SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

A&E Biography

Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
Paula Zahn…..Molly Shannon
Peter Graves…..Will Farrell
Bob Crane portrayer…..Chris Parnell
Mamisu…..Gwyneth Paltrow

(A&E Biography intro plays, cuts to Jack Perkins in a den, spinning a globe)

Jack Perkins: Welcome to Biography. I’m Jack Perkins. (groans as he sits in a chair) (audience laughs) If you’re like most Americans, you’re probably a big fan of the most popular show in the history of television. A show called “Biography.” And the chances are you’ve grown quite fond of the hosts of “Biography,” Peter Graves, and me. Little Jackie Perkins. (laughter) Well, guess what? I’ve been fired. A&E has decided to replace me and Peter with former “CBS This Morning” host, Harry Smith. (photo of Smith grinning) Ooooh. We thought you might be interested in learning more about this Harry Smith. And why A&E thinks he’s so freakin’ great! (laughter) So without further ado, “Biography” presents the story of Harry Smith. (music begins over photos of Hitler and a monkey)

Perkins voiceover: Harry Smith was the only son of Adolf Hitler and a baboon! (photo of Eddie Munster) At the age of five, this precocious lad was already despised as a back-stabbing phony by classmates. (photo of adult Smith) One of the few people who knows the real Harry Smith is his long-time co-host on “CBS This Morning,” Paula Zahn.

Paula Zahn: (being interviewed) Of all the things that impressed me about Harry, I would have to say the most compelling is his integrity. Both as a journalist and as a man.

Jack Perkins (off-camera): Why do you lie so much?!

Paula Zahn: Excuse me?

Jack Perkins (off-camera): He stinks, and so do you!

Paula Zahn: Hey, what the hell is going on here?

(photo of the Manson Family with a cut-out of Smith’s head pasted over one of its members)

Perkins voiceover: At the tender age of 23, Harry Smith fell in with Charles Manson and his infamous family. (laughter) (similarly doctored photo of Smith and Manson, Smith is grinning and has a swastika drawn on his forehead) Smith quickly turned a fun-loving bunch of musical hippies into drug-crazed murderers. Manson himself has described Smith as “creepy.”

(cut to Perkins in the den, finishing a beer bong) (laughter)

Jack Perkins: A phony! A creep! A big dummy. Harry Smith seems to wear many masks. (forlornly) This is a mask I found in a dumpster. (puts on a rubber Spider-Man mask) I wish I was Spider-Man. (laughter) I’d smother Harry Smith with my webs!

(Graves enters, puts his hand on the chair)

Jack Perkins: Ah, lookie here! (takes off mask) It’s my friend and former co-host Peter Graves.

Peter Graves: (reserved) Jack, you’re drunk. You’re making a fool of yourself. Stop it.

Jack Perkins: I can’t, Peter, this one’s going all twelve rounds! (laughter)

Peter Graves: Well, try and get a hold of yourself, Jack. This isn’t the end of the world. There’s plenty of good jobs out there for 70-year-old men with pleasant voices… Let me have that. (takes the beer bong and fills it)

Jack Perkins: Harry Smith’s career took a strange twist in 1979, when he murdered beloved “Hogan’s Heroes” star Bob Crane! (laughter and applause) (Graves takes a hit off the beer bong) In this dramatic re-enactment, we see Smith’s bloodlust at its terrifying peak.

(re-enactment in a hotel room, Crane is lounging on his bed in his “Heroes” costume looking at a magazine as a man enters.)

Bob Crane: Well well well, Harry Smith. Come on in. (stands up) I was just about to pop in a really freaky porno tape.

Harry Smith: (as portrayed by Jack Perkins) Damn you, Hogan! (hits him with a bat, Crane falls onto the bed) I’m Harry Smith, and I eat my own boogers! (continues to beat Crane while trying to shield himself from the camera)

Bob Crane: Nooo!

(end re-enactment)

(photo of Smith with a slight smirk)

Perkins voiceover: And, as he approaches middle age, Harry Smith still can’t stay out of trouble with the law.

(Clip of a foreign newscast, with subtitles saying “Harry Smith was arrested this morning for sniffing farts in El Hajani Square. He released a statement saying “I love smelling farts and I am a big dummy.'”) (laughter)

Jack Perkins: I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant, but nothing, I said nothing, can take away these blues ‘cause nothing compares, nothing compare–

Mamisu: Mr. Jack! Mr. Jack!

Jack Perkins: Well, it seems I’ve been joined by my wife Mamisu. (laughter) A vivacious young sparkplug I met during a recent fishing trip to Alaska.

Mamisu: Oh, please, Mr. Jack, come home! Mamisu make you feel all better.

Jack Perkins: Mamisu, I may eventually come home, but I’ll never feel all better!

Mamisu: You scare Mamisu with your crazy talk, Mr. Jack!

Jack Perkins: I scare myself, Mamisu. I really do scare myself! And I hope you’ve enjoyed our look at Harry Smith. For “Biography”, I’m Jack Perkins, nighty-night. (closing Biography video) (cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 6th, 1999

Gwyneth Paltrow

Barenaked Ladies

None

Tina Fey

Paula Pell

Ben Affleck
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) and various members of his cabinet make the empty promise that they will not gloat.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, Monica Lewinsky, Vernon Jordan, Betty Currie.

Transcript

Montage

Gwyneth Paltrow’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck has to remind Gwyneth Paltrow that she’s not British.

Transcript

E! Impeachment CoverageRecurring Characters: Todd Newton, Melissa Rivers, Sharon Stone, Trent Lott, Bob Barr, Betty Currie, Andy Dick, William Rehnquist.

Transcript

Behind The Music: Joan JettSummary: Joan Jett (Gwyneth Paltrow) recalls unpleasant inspirations for her songs and videos.

Transcript

Mary Katharine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) wants to join the Black Angels.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Behind The Music: John OatesSummary: John Oates (Chris Kattan) explains how he innovated clapping in his music.

Recurring Characters: John Oates.

Transcript

Mindy & SkyeSummary: Mindy (Jimmy Fallon) cuts Skye (Gwyneth Paltrow) a lot of slack for her pitiful singing skills.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents.

Staten Island Nurses

E!Summary: Trent Lott (Darrell Hammond) announces: “You’re watching E!”

Recurring Characters: Trent Lott.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Vernon Jordan.

Transcript

Barenaked Ladies performs “It’s All Been Done”

Doing VoicesSummary: James (Will Ferrell) finds the funny voices of Margaret (Molly Shannon) and the rest of the Healy Family amusing at first.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Healy.

Behind The Music: Colin Hay

A&E BiographySummary: Fired Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) smears his replacement host, Harry Smith.

Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Peter Graves, Paula Zahn.

Transcript

Senate VotingSummary: Judge William Rehnquist (Will Ferrell) is desperate to break the Democrat vs. Republican party deadlock.

Recurring Characters: William Rehnquist, Trent Lott, Tom Brokaw, Mary Bono, Tom Daschle.

Transcript

Hardcore Rock

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Weekend update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: Ahh! Thanks, folks! Oh, save it for later!

The impeachment hearing is really enough now. You know, I mean, we get the point, you’re outraged, Clinton is terrible, all right, he lied. You have all these senators out there trying to make a name for themselves, because there’s only a few famous senators. And how do you get famous? You have to have a hook. You have to be notorious, like…no one wants to be the guy on “Hollywood Squares” that nobody knows….You know, the lower left square, Asa Hutchinson to block…

Who’s getting famous off this? This guy, Bob Barr, it’s like, Bob Barr the elephant, [cut to clip of Bob Barr] only he forgot. He forgot that he…[cut to Colin] had an affair and paid for an abortion, even though he’s a pro-lifer. When asked about this hypocrisy, Mr. Barr said, “Yes, but I’m man enough to pay for the mistakes I lie about, unlike Clinton, who makes his wife chip in.” You know? [groans]

Then there’s Jim Sensenbrenner, this guy from Wisconsin, [cut to clip of Jim Sensenbrenner] you see this guy? He looks like a…harried businessman who’s having a heart attack at a steakhouse. He looks like he’s about to keel over into his buttered baked potato.

These guys hate Clinton, but who’s behind them? Is it big business? Maybe. Tobacco hates Clinton. That would be horrible poetic justice. He goes after tobacco and gets brought down by a cigar. You know. Let’s go do the news!

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Oh! Thanks, folks! All right, folks, I’m Colin Quinn!

The congressional seat being vacated by Bob Livingston could be filled by a 48-year-old ophthalmologist named Dr. Monica Monica. This is the last straw, folks, all right? The country has officially turned into a very bad “Hee Haw” sketch….A ’70s show…

U.S. intelligence officials want ABC News to reveal the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, who was interviewed by the network last month. The reporter claims that he was taken to a secret location for the interview and could not find it again, although he does remember there was a butler named Alfred.

This week, Michael Jordan announced his retirement, saying he wants to spend more time for himself, be a better parent, do some traveling…hey Mike, you couldn’t do more traveling than you did when you played against the Knicks, all right? Maybe you’d like to bring a ref along to overlook it just so you feel comfortable! [mixed reaction]…Uh! Ugh! Exactly. Everyone loves Michael, ha ha, come on, Kevin.

Executives from the Chicago Bulls insist that even without Michael Jordan, Phil Jackson, and Dennis Rodman, the team can still repeat as NBA champions, with a little hard work, luck, and 90 points a game from Steve Kerr.

Rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested last night. How many times have I said that? All right? Maybe we should keep the cue card for this one. I’m getting déjà Wu! [laughs]…Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested last night after opening fire on two undercover cops. But fans, don’t worry about his career; to a rapper, shooting at cops is a cure for writer’s block. [very little reaction]…Am I making up songs? I’m sorry! It’s not Alanis Morissette out there, folks. [chuckles] It’s not Sarah McLachlan. Come on.

This week, Paula Jones received 850,000 dollars in the settlement from President Clinton. She said it will help her live her dream. To hire Diamond Dallas Page to beat up the guy who was [photo of Dirty Jack (see 11/14/98 WU)] mean to her on New Year’s Eve at the go-kart track. [some cheers]

Now, this is true–that money came out of Bill and Hillary’s joint checking account. Now that has to be an uncomfortable conversation. “Bill, what did you do with check 820?” “Ohh, remember I told you the Paula…thing? I didn’t it put it in the book.” “Oh yeah….Bill.”

Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura has chosen the Navigator as his official car, rather than the traditional Lincoln or Cadillac. People all over Minnesota will well up with pride when they cry out, “Here comes the governor’s truck!”

A customer filed for a four-million-dollar lawsuit against Starbucks this week after he was badly cut drinking an ice cappuccino laced with broken glass. When asked how he came up with the four-million-dollar figure, the customer responded, “I just want my money back.” [cheers and applause; says something unintelligible]

President Clinton has renominated James Hormel to be the ambassador to Luxembourg, after conservatives last year prevented a vote on his nomination. Come on, how important is Luxembourg? We’ve been eight months without an ambassador, we haven’t missed out on anything. Why are we friends with them? I’m not saying we need to be mean to them, but do we need an ambassador? Maybe if we see them at the U.N., we will give them a head nod, but that’s about it.

The anonymous fan who spent 2.7 million dollars for Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball also bought five other home run balls from the Sammy Sosa-McGwire home run race. He is expected to merge all the balls together to form the ultimate home run ball. I…I mean, he, will then trade the ball…for a trip on the space shuttle with a naked Jewel. Sounds like a good plan, come on! [cheers and some applause]

Amtrak is unveiling a European-style rail line, which links Eugene, Oregon and Seattle, Washington. Within a month after opening the high-speed line, the population of Eugene is expected to be zero.

David Kaczynski, the Unabomber’s brother, says that he’ll use the reward money he got from turning in his brother to establish a fund for the victims….Big deal! They’re not gonna cash the check; they’re not even gonna open the [envelope with return address “Kaczynski, Route 7, Schenectady, NY 00000] envelope!…Open that? Ugh! [cheers and applause]

Starting this week, the fee for filing a citizenship application is more that doubling from 95 dollars to 225 dollars. But as always, it is still cree – free to crawl under a fence. [no reaction] Ugh, of course you’re not gonna laugh! [mutters something] I, uh…

Colonial Williamsburg announced plans for a fake TV show with guests from 200 years ago. No, we already have a show like that. It’s called “The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder.” [mixed reaction]…So it’s Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Tom Snyder that you don’t joke about. I get it! All right.

It’s been a big week in sports. Here to provide us with his expert analysis on all the latest sports news, is one of the straighest shooting columnists in the country, the man who tells it like it is, sports reporter Brian Fellow.

[Pan over to Brian, a slightly effeminate guy, dressed in a pink shirt and tie with a black sportcoat for this appearance. Brian waves to the audience.]

Brian Fellow: Thank you, the Colin Quinn! I’m Brian Fellow!…Well, basketball fans around the world continue to be saddened by the…retirement of the greatest player in history, Michael Jordan….He may have accomplished things on the court, but Miss Jordan, you ain’t foolin’ nobody! I’ve seen you in those Hanes commercials. Trust me, Air Jordan is a friend of Dorothy’s.

Tomorrow afternoon, the Denver Broncos will host the New York Jets in a battle for the AFC title….Well, after studying these two teams all season, I predict this game will be decided by three words: Key, Shawn, and Johnson! [some cheers and applause]…Just look at what Keyshawn did last week to the Jacksonville Gou – Cougars! The Cougars! [makes a claw with his hand] Rrr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!…And Miss Johnson, we’re onto you too, honey! I’ve seen the way you dance in the hizzle! Ol’ T.O. Johnson has definitely been to brunch, if you know what I’m sayin’!

Colin: Now, hold on, Brian! You can’t just arbitrarily accuse people of things like that!

Brian: [upset] O – oh, no you didn’t! No you didn’t, I can’t believe you just disrespected me! Let me catch my breath for a minute! [composes himself]

In other football news, the Minnesota Vikings and Atlanta Falcons play for the NFC championship. Do you know how cold it is in Minnesota this time of the year? [while shaking his head and clutching his chest] Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Br-r-r!…If I was on the Vikings, as the– I – i – if I was on the Vikings, as soon as the game was over, I would…I would w – get in a warm bath and snuggle up in front of a fireplace with a big cup of cocoa. Mmm! I love warm fireplaces. And I love hot cocoa.

Colin: [sighs] Okay, Brian. Where exactly have you worked as a sports journalist?

Brian: [increasingly upset] Ah, no you didn’t!…I can’t believe you just disrespected me like that! How you gonna disrespect, my father used to try to disrespect me like that!

Colin: Hey, take it easy. Take it easy.

Brian: [still upset] You don’t even know me! You don’t even know me! Mr….New– Mr. “Update: Brooklyn Version”!…Yeah, unh, get those marbles out your mouth! [cheers]…If I was Ahmad Rashad, you wouldn’t even be tryin’ to disrespect me like that!…But because of who I am, you think you can just disrespect me, you don’t even know me! [calms down]…Wait a second, I do know you, Colin. I recognize you from the club!

Colin: No! That’s not me!

Brian: Yes, you do! [cheers]

Colin: No!

Brian: I recognize you from the club, Colin! [some applause mixed in] I’ve seen you in the clubs wit’ you and your big Italian friends!

Colin: Richie, no! No!

Brian: ‘Cause you had the muscle shirt on!

Colin: [over Brian’s last line] Brian Fellow, everybody!

Brian: I recognize you!

Colin: [over Brian’s last line] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

Brian: I recognize you…

[Update music drowns out Colin and Brian’s conversation]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Teeny Weenies

Karen…..Molly Shannon
Mom 1…..Cheri Oteri
Mom 2…..Ana Gasteyer

[Opens with a trio of young women sitting at a coffee table in a kitchen]

Mom 2: Karen, you seem really down.

Mom 1: Yeah, what’s the matter?

Karen: Oh, Gary and I are having trouble conceiving. We try month after month and I just can’t seem to get pregnant.

Mom 1: Mmm…well, have you thought of adoption?

Karen: Eww…no.

Mom 2: Hey, I know what you need.

[Mom 2 shows a box]

Karen and Mom 1: Teeny Weenies?

Mom 2: It’s the fun new fertility drug kit that’ll turn barren Karen into fertile Myrtle.

[images of little babies multiplying]

Jingle: “Teeny Weenies, Teeny Weenies! Itsy bitsy, itty bitty, shrinky-dinky babies! They’re your babies and they look like you so you’ll love them more than other babies even if they come out messed up!”

Karen: How does it work?

[Karen pulls out a long-ass needle and injects herself on the belly]

[Bouncing baby over the jingle]

Jingle: “Just take the human menopausal gonadotropin and inject it in your body. Do the shakey-shakey dance, and make some babies in your pants! [Moms 1 and 2 and Karen shake their hips playfully] Make more babies! More babies! Make more babies!”

[Karen holds 8 tiny babies up]

Karen: Eight babies at once?! It’s a miracle!

Mom 2: It’s not a miracle. It’s science!

Mom 1:[holding a bunch of tiny babies] I’m gonna dress up my babies up in outfits when the rest of them get out of intensive care.

Mom 2: My decatuplets are so tiny I can hold them up in a spoon. [holds miniature baby in a spoon]

Karen and Mom 1: Cute!

Karen: I’m gonna be on the cover of “People” magazine.

[ Caption: “People” magazine cover no longer guaranteed. ]

Mom 2: With Teeny Weenies you can make as many babies as you want then keep the ones you like.

Mom 1: [holding 4 babies] I made twelve babies and four of them turned out pretty good.

Karen: Awesome!

Announcer: Teeny Weenies! It’s fun to defy God!

Karen and the two moms: Adoption’s for geeks! Get Teeny Weenies!

[box of the Teeny Weenies kit]

Announcer: Teeny Weenies by Fertilifun! Heat lamps, diapers, lung medicine, blood transfusions, corrective shoes and physical therapy not included.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Maria & The TV Repairman

Maria…..Cheri Oteri
Mr.Caminetti…..Horatio Sanz
Anthony…..James Van Deer Beek

[Opens with a young guy repairing a tv set on a living room]

Mr. Caminetti: Hey, thank you for coming out on such short notice to fix the set, uh, uh…

Anthony: Anthony.

Mr. Caminetti: Anthony! Ha, ha, nice Italian kid. Hey, how long have you been doing this for

Anthony: I not been doing it too long, you know. Got my union card about a month ago.

Mr. Caminetti: Oh, oh, oh, you got an union card? That’s a nice secure future, huh?

Anthony: Right.

Mr. Caminetti: You married?

Anthony: No, I ain’t.

Mr. Caminetti: MARIA!!!

[Maria comes out. She’s an ugly duckling. Dress all ill fitting, uncombed hair, spastic movements, shade of a mustache]

Maria: What pop? Whoa, a boy!

Mr. Caminetti: Yeah, this is Anthony. Anthony, this is my pride and joy, Maria.

Anthony: Hey, nice to meet ya.

Maria: I’m a virgin.

Anthony: Good for you.

Mr. Caminetti: Three’s a crowd. I’m gonna go. Check my sauce.

[Mr.Caminetti plays “Inamorata” by Dean Martin and lowers the lights in hopes of Maria and Anthony getting it on.]

Mr. Caminetti: Don’t sit there, sweetie. Say something. You’re getting older by the minute.

Maria: I can crack my back in three places.

Anthony: That a fact?

Maria: Yeah. [Turns and crack! Turns again and crack!] Pull this.[Anthony pulls her arm and crack!] Gaaah!

Anthony: Wow. I ain’t never seen nobody that could do that before. But nothing personal, I got a job to do here.

[Maria goes over to her father in the kitchen]

Maria: Pop, he don’t like me, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: Go ask him to dance, honey. Go on.

Maria: Hey Anthony. Anthony, you wanna dance? [spastic dance moves]

Anthony: No.

Mr. Caminetti: Come on. Make him feel special. Do, do–make–be sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, show a little leg.

[Maria props a wooden leg on top of the tv set]

Mr. Caminetti: Not that one, honey. The good one. Work it, yeah.

[Maria props her other leg on top of the tv]

Anthony: All right. Look, Mr. Caminetti I can hear everything you’re saying.

Mr. Caminetti: What the hell’s wrong with you?! What are you a fruitcake or something? Can’t you see that she’s a peach? After her mother slipped on ice and died I raised her to be a good kid. The best I could.

Maria: [pointing at her tits] And these are real. They’re mine.

Mr. Caminetti: I realize she’s no Connie Francis but the kid’s got talent! Watch.

[Maria plays the accordion horribly]

Mr. Caminetti: Oh, there you go, little girl. Show him what you got. There you go.

Maria: Ok, start. [sings horribly as well] “Do you know the way to San Jose?, I’m gonna go and find some peace of mind in San Jose.”

Mr. Caminetti: Ha, ha! She eats like a bird, sleeps standing up. She prays all the time, come on!

Maria: I got my own snow blower for Christmas.

Anthony: All right. Look Mr. Caminetti, I don’t mean no disrespect but I…

Mr. Caminetti: All right! That’s it! What’s it gonna take?! Close your eyes, baby. [pulls out money] $100, $200? Come on!

Anthony: I can’t take your money.

Maria: Tell him about the car, pop. Tell him about the car.

Mr. Caminetti: [keys in hand] Got an 88 Caddy DeVille. Fully loaded. What do you want?

Anthony: All right Mr. Caminetti. Don’t get me wrong. Maria is a very flexible virgin. I would be more than happy to do her. But I promised my girlfriend Paula I would only do her.

Maria: Damn, pop. We were this close, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: Who the hell do you think you are coming in my house leading my daughter on this way?! Get the hell outta here, ya’ bum!

Anthony: A bum? A bum, huh? Well, does a bum has his name around his neck in 10 karat gold? Does a bum smells like Drakkar Noir 24 hours a day? And does a bum have big plans to study electronics at DeVry Technical Institute? If so, then this bum is outta here! I’m outta here! [leaves]

Maria: Pop, he’s going to DeVry. He’s going to DeVry, pop.

Mr. Caminetti: I know, I know, honey.

Maria: Now what?

Mr. Caminetti: Honey, I just ordered pizza. If it’s not here within 15 minutes or less, he is free. All right?

Maria: Ok, pizza.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Laser Pointers

Harry Connick, Jr……Jimmy Fallon
Joker #1…..Tracy Morgan
Joker #2…..James van der Beek

[ open on exterior, Radio City Music Hall ]

[ dissolve to interior, stage ]

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Harry Connick, Jr.!

[ Harry Connick, Jr. enters stage, sits at piano ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: Thanks a lot. I want to thank you all for coming here tonight. Thank you. You know, the past couple years I’ve done a little acting, did some soundtracks.. but tonight I want to get back to my roots – the songs that made Frank Sinatra famous. This music means a lot to me, and I hope it means a lot to you.

[ plays piano, sings ]

“My.. funny.. valentine..
Sweet.. comic.. valentine..”

[ laser pointer dot bounces across Harry’s face ]

“You make me smiiiiiile with my heart..
Your look is.. laughable..
Un..photo..graphable..”

[ stopss abruptly ]

Hey! There’s a laser dot on me! Come on, knock it off! Whoever’s doing that, knock it off, alright? Please! [ laser dot disappears ] Thank you! I guess some people just like to ruin a good time for everyone. Let’s have some fun.

[ begins playing again ]

[ laser pointer dot bounces around Harry’s nose ]“My.. funny.. valentine..”

“Sweet.. comic.. valentine..
You make me-“

[ swats laser dot away ]

Alright! Seriously! Come on, stop it, alright! no one’s laughing but you, alright! Now, come on! Does anyone know who’s doing this?! Is there any security here?! Can we find out who’s doing that, please!

[ cut to full shot of Harry’s audience, quick zoom to last row where a pair of jokers sit, laughing at the antics of their laser pointers ]

Jokers: [ laughing with pride ]

[ cut back to Harry Connick, Jr. fuming on stage ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: I mean, come on! I know that laser pointers are a lot of fun – I have one myself. But, come on, just be cool, alright! [ laser dot finally disappears ] Thank you! [ sits at piano again ] Let’s have some fun.

[ singing ]

“My.. funny.. va-“

[ jumps to his feet ]

Come on, knock it off, alright! Is this what you want?! This is a beautiful song!

[ laser dot bounces along Harry’s crotch ]

Alright, yeah, yeah, that’s funny, right?! That’s what funny to you, right?! This is real creative! This is what you do with your time, right?!

[ two laser dots give Harry a set of nipples ]

Aw, brilliant! Brilliant! I’ve got nipples, that’s great! You could hear me play the music your parents fell in love to, but, instead, I got nipples! Are you done now, man?! Come on! [ laser dots disappear ] Are you finished?! Is that it?! Have you had your fun?!

[ cut back to the jokers laughing in the audience ]

Joker #1: [ laughing ] Yo, Bro, we should stop! He’s starting to get really mad!

Joker #2: Oh, hold on, man! I want to give him a dot on his forehead, make him look like the chick from No Doubt!

Joker #1: Yeah! Yeah, do that!

[ cut back to Harry at the piano ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: Le-let’s have some fun.

“My.. funny.. valentine..”[ laser dot bounces on Harry’s forehead, making him look like the chick from No Doubt ]

“Sweet.. com-“

[ stops abruptly again ]

Hey, come on, alright?! Knock it off, you sons of a bitch! You’re making me look like an idiot in front of all these people! You’re trying to make me look like that chick from No Doubt!! That’s not cool! I swear to God-

[ ]

Oh, great! You already did this one, man! You’re running out of ideas!

[ cut to jokers laughing in the audience ]

Joker #1: [ laughing ] He’s right, man! You already did that one!

Joker #2: Okay, man, it still makes me laugh!

Joker #1: Ooh, I got one! I’m gonna make him look like Cindy Crawford!

[ cut back to Harry on stage, as laser dot bounces over his lip ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: Th-his is screwed-up, man, alright! This is screwed up, man, alright! This is screwed-up, I’m sick of this! You’re taking all the fun out of it! I’m finished!

[ Harry exits the stage in a huff ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very sorry to announce that tonight’s show has been cancelled.

Joker #2: That was a good show!

Joker #1: Yeah! Hey, let’s go see that new Nicole Kidman flick!

Joker #2: Alright, man, let’s go do it!

[ they stand up to exit theater ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Goodnights

…..James Van Der Beek

James Van Der Beek: Alright! I want to say “Thanks!” to Everlast, everybody in the cast, and, also, everyone at “Dawson’s Creek” for letting me out this week! Thank you very much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

Larry Flynt at the White House

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Larry Flynt…..Horatio Sanz
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, as President Clinton sits at his desk practicing his thumbs-up ]

[ intercom buzzes ]

Intercom: Mr. President. Your three o’clock appointment is here.

President Bill Clinton: Okay, Betty. Send him in.

[ Larry Flynt wheels his way into the Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Larry Flynt, you old dog! How are you?

Larry Flynt: Mr. President, it’s an honor to be here! I just never thought I’d be invited to the White House.

President Bill Clinton: Well, I.. I asked you up here to say thank you. As you know, I’ve been going through extremely difficult times lately. The only way I got through it was with support from my friends, my spiritual advisors, and the December issue of Hustler Magazine! [ thums-up, laughs ] Ah, that lesbian elves pictorial! That was astounding!

Larry Flynt: Thank you very much, Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: Oh, no, no, no.. thank you, Larry. You have been a big help. By ratting out Bob Barr for his sexual indiscretions, you have taken a lo-o-o-ot of the heat off me.

Larry Flynt: I’m just giving Republicans a taste of their own medicine.

President Bill Clinton: [ laughs ] God, how do you find ’em?

Larry Flynt: I had to hire private investigators to follow the Congressman around-

President Bill Clinton: No, no, no, no – not that. Those women that pose nude in the magazine. Where do you get ’em? I mean, I do alright.. but none of ’em will let me take pictures of ’em. [ laughs ]

Larry Flynt: The models, they answer ads.

President Bill Clinton: God.. giving people jobs. It’s so simple and beautiful. The girls, though.. you ever get to.. you know..?

Larry Flynt: I do have sexual relations with the women!

[ they laugh ]

President Bill Clinton: God, this is so exciting!

Larry Flynt: I don’t want to take too much of your time; I’m sure you’re busy with the impeachment hearing.

President Bill Clinton: No, no.. I’ve got lawyers to do that crap! I want to talk to you, man. You have the best job in the world!

Larry Flynt: No, Mr. President, I think you have the best job in the world.

President Bill Clinton: Let me ask you something – are those letters in Hustler true?

Larry Flynt: Am I under oath?

[ they laugh ]

[ intercom buzzes ]

Intercom: Mr. President, your wife is here.

President Bill Clinton: [ sullen ] Party’s over.

[ Hillary storms into the Oval Office ]

Hillary Clinton: [ outraged at the sight before her ] What are you doing here with that whore-monger?!!

President Bill Clinton: [ a beat ] You talking to him or me?

Hillary Clinton: You!! You are late for a meeting in the South Garden with the top pancake cookers from the National Jamboree Boy Scouts!

President Bill Clinton: [ flabbergasted ] But I’m talking to Larry Flynt!

Hillary Clinton: I would suggest that you take a shower after meeting with this sleazebag! But there’s no time! Now, get moving, and I’ll show the sexual deviant out!

President Bill Clinton: [ as he exits ] Larry Flynt in my office – I love being Preisdent! [ chuckles ]

[ President Clinton exits Oval Office ]

Hillary Clinton: Here’s some information on Phil Gramm you might find interesting!

Larry Flynt: Thanks, baby.

[ they make out passionately ]

Larry Flynt: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11

98k: James Van Der Beek / Everlast

National Spelling Bee Championship

Jonathan Voss…..Will Ferrell
Sarah Hollitt…..Molly Shannon
Chris Brubaker…..James van der Beek

Announcer: It’s the National Spelling Bee Championship! Broadcast live from Syracuse University. And now, the final round!

[ Emcee Jonathan Voss runs onto the stage ]

Jonathan Voss: Hi, I’m Jonathan Voss, and welcome back to the National Spelling Bee Championship! Let’s have a round of applause for our two terrific finalists: Sarah Hollitt.. and Chris Brubaker! There’s a lot of scholarship money at stake, so let’s get to it! Are you reasy contestants?

Sarah Hollitt: [ chipper, excited ] Yes!

Chris Brubaker: [ wearing glasses and suspenders, prissy ] Yes.

Jonathan Voss: Good. The words for this final round were chosen by a secret panel of judges, comprised of linguistic professors from the nation’s top colleges. The cards were sealed in an envelope, and handed directly to me last night. They’ve been in my possession ever since. So, without further ado, let’s get the cards out and begin the final round. [ reaches in jacket pocket for cards, but doesn’t find them ] We’re.. we’re all set to go.. so I’ll just.. get the cards.. with the words on them.. and we’ll.. we’ll be okay. [ furiously searching the cards in his jacket ] And. I’ve got the cards.. right here.. [ pretends to pull cards out of jacket, holding his hands very close together ] It’s in my hand.. we’re cool.. we’re very cool right now.. and the first word is.. for.. Sarah. Sarah. And.. I’m just reading it right off the card in front of me here.. I’ll say it in just one second.. it’s.. [ making word up ] “Corpuscle”!

Sarah Hollitt: Corpuscle. What is its root?

Jonathan Voss: [ paralyzed with fear ] Uh.. good question.. uh.. hang on.. Let me just find where the information is written on this card.. it’s.. It’s Greek..

Sarah Hollitt: Can you use it in a sentence, please?

Jonathan Voss: [ hesitant ] “Hey, Fred, look at that corpuscle.”

Sarah Hollitt: Okay. Corpuscle. C-O-R-P-U-S-C-L-E.

Jonathan Voss: Uh.. uh.. that’s.. right? [ bell rings ] That’s right! That’s right! Good job! Okay! Okay, now let’s take a commercial break! [ pause ] No? We’re not gonna do that? Okay. Uh.. next word.. is.. uh.. is for Chris. Chris. And it’s.. uh.. “Bland”.

Chris Brubaker: Excuse me? My word is “Bland“?

Jonathan Voss: “-ize”. “Blandize”. Your word is.. is.. “Blandize”.

Chris Brubaker: “Blandize”? Can you.. an you please define that word?

Jonathan Voss: Sure, Chris.. uh.. but, first.. let’s get to knoe one another. Where are you from, originally?

Chris Brubaker: [ snotty ] I’d rather just spell the word, sir.

Jonathan Voss: Of course you would, Chris.. because that’s what makes you a champion. Okay. Next word is for Sarah!

Sarah Hollitt: [ angry ] Hey, wait a minute! He didn’t even spell it!

Jonathan Voss: Oh, come on! He would’ve gotten “Blandize”, that’s a given! Sarah. your word is.. it’s a great word.. which.. I’m gonna say.. now! “Mendofulumus”.

Sarah Hollitt: What?!

Jonathan Voss: “Mendadibliness”.

Sarah Hollitt: That’s not what you said the first time!

Jonathan Voss: Yes, it is! That’s what I said!

Sarah Hollitt: Okay, fine. Can you, uh.. give me a definition?

Jonathan Voss: Oh, uh.. “Mendadibliness”.. to speak.. or noisilate.. uh.. vociferously. Vociferously! That’s your word! Vocifierously!

Chris Brubaker: What happened to “Mendofulumus”?

Sarah Hollitt: Vociferously. V-O-C..

Jonathan Voss: Okay, you clearly know it, that’s enough! [ bell rings ]

Chris Brubaker: Hey, wait a minute! Yuo can’t do that!

Jonathan Voss: Hey, which one of you is me here? You? I don’t think so! okay. We move back to Chris.. okay.. it’s hard to read this off the card, because it’s.. it’s very blurry.. but.. yes.. there we go.. I can read it.. and it says.. “Kevin McHale”.

Chris Brubaker: The basketball player?

Jonathan Voss: No! The word.

Chris Brubaker: I don’t believe you, but can you use it in a sentence?

Jonathan Voss: Sure.. uh.. [ quickly ] “Bird passes to McHale, fade-away jumper, good, and a foul! That’s three on Laimbeer, and Coach Daly wants a time-out, hey!”

Chris Brubaker: That’s Kevin McHale, the basketball player.

Jonathan Voss: [ changes tune ] Your word is “Hefalump”.

Chris Brubaker: Okay, Hefalump is from Winnie-The-Pooh! You don’t have the real words, do you?

Jonathan Voss: [ moving on ] Sarah.. uh.. your word is.. [ desperately ] “Boat-car-beard..”

Sarah Hollitt: No, it’s not! You lost the cards, didn’t you!

Jonathan Voss: [ fumbling for a quick getaway ] Hey! Hey, look over there! [ points ]

Chris Brubaker: [ looking ] What? There’s nothing over there..

Sarah Hollitt: [ looking ] What are you talking about?

[ Voss sneaks away quietly ]

[ screen freezes ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “And that, friends, was the very first time that ‘Hey, look over there!’ was used to escape from a delicate or embarrassing situation. But it wasn’t the last. Indeed, ‘Hey, look over there’ is still used today. How do I know? Why.. hey! Look over there!”

[ sound of fleeing footsteps, car door slamming shut, engine revving, car peeling down the street ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 16th, 1999

James Van Der Beek

Everlast

None

None
Larry Flynt at the White HouseSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Larry Flynt (Horatio Sanz) are honored to meet each other at the White House.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Larry Flynt, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

MontageNote: With Don Pardo out sick, Darrell Hammond steps into the announcer’s booth to assume the role of the legendary announcer. Hammond resurfaces as Pardo during the monologue and the announcements for next week’s show.

James Van Der Beek’s MonologueSummary: The disembodied voice of Don Pardo (Darrell Hammond) makes aural passes at James van der Beek.

Teeny Weenies!Summary: Thanks to the wonders of modern science, a trio of would-be mothers (Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer) can have all the premature babies they want – some of them even in working condition!

Transcript

National Spelling Bee ChampionshipSummary: Spelling bee emcee (Will Ferrell) fumbles through the championships after losing the cards with the words on them.

Transcript

Cats Home Video

Teen PulseSummary: Teenaged girls interview the latest boy band pop sensation – 7 Degrees Celsius.

Recurring Characters: Wade, Samm, Jeph, Sweet T, Peter Tanner.

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

Note: James Van Der Beek accidentally called his dog “Captain Gingershitsnap” on the live broadcast.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

Everlast performs “What It’s Like”

Laser PointersSummary: A pair of jokers (Tracy Morgan, James Van Der Beek) ruin a Harry Connick, Jr. (immy Fallon) concert by shining obscene lasers on the crooner during his performance.

Recurring Characters: Harry Connick, Jr.

Transcript

The War Abroad and At Home

Frankenteen

Maria & The TV RepairmanSummary: Mr. Caminetti (Horatio Sanaz) tries in vain to set up his unkepmt daughter Maria (Cheri Oteri) with Anthony the TV repairman (James Van Der Beek).

Recurring Characters: Maria.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts