SNL Tonight

Goth Talk

Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Glen…..Jim Breuer
Mr. Fontain…..Steve Buscemi
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
Glen’s Date…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: Serving Florida’s Gulf Coast, you’re watching Channel 33, Sunshine State Cable Access.

[ Opening Titles ]

[ Music Intro: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”, Bauhaus ]

[ In the high school’s hallway]

Circe nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade.

Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azreal Abyss. Prince of Sor-row.

Circe nightshade: Tonight! We are coming to you live from Sun Coast High School, were just down this hall, the pathetic day dwellers of the class of 1998 are celebrating the tawdry amusement known as… [ very sarcastic ] The Prom.

Azrael Abyss: Ehhh……..

Circe nightshade: But we, children of the night have something far more sinister planned.

Azrael Abyss: We have petitioned the dark forces of the student council.. To let us have our own…. Fearful…. Fiendish….

Circe & Azreal: Prom of Doom! [ walking next to the door that says Prom of Doom written on it ]

Azrael Abyss: Follow, Follow, Follow, if you dare.. [ Prom of Doom sign falls down and reveals the word Custodian underneath ] Never mind that.

Circe nightshade: Never mind. Come, Come. [ opens door and Circe and Azreal walk backward into the room ]

Azrael Abyss: Enter our solarium of the sinister….. Oh…… [ bumps foot ] Oh!

Circe nightshade: Come, Come, Come, Come….

[ The room is dark, full of candles and Goths with the boiler in the background ]

Azrael Abyss: Alright, It’s actually the boiler room, but it’s very evil. It’s hot and it smells like the sulfery fumes of hell.

Mr. Fontain: Yeah. Sorry about that kids. That’s the boiler. Ya know when it gets goin’, Uh, it really starts to smell like farts.

Circe nightshade: Uh, that’s the custodian, Mr. Fontain. He’s uh, kind of Goth.

Mr. Fontain: Uh ohhhh…..

Circe nightshade: Well anyway he’s really pasty.

Mr. Fontain: Oh. Just call me Tony. All the kids do. Tony Baloney that’s me! [ laughs ] I sleep down here sometimes.

Circe nightshade: Right

Mr. Fontain: Now don’t you kids worry about having your weird little party here because, hell, if I got busted for doin’ something’ weird down here… [ laughs ]

Azrael Abyss: All right, thank you! To-ny Ba-lo-ney!

Circe nightshade: Now, On to the Prom of Doom !!!!

Azrael Abyss: rawr pssts! This year’s theme song has been written by our shadowy kinsmen, Baron Nocturna. [ Points to Baron ] Baron! Please do tell us about the song-a.

Baron Nocturna: [ holding a Casio keyboard ]Well Azreal, It’s a cruel mockery of the recent Academy Award Winning Theme Song, from Titanic. I call it, My Heart Will Go On……. A PLATE!!!! [ pressing down on the keyboard making the sound of an organ ]

[ Circe and Azreal look into the camera ]

Azrael Abyss: Ohhhhh…… I.. Don’t.. Get It.

Baron Nocturna: It will chill you to the marrow… and a 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. [presses button on the keyboard which plays Casio beats ] [ singing ] Near…. Far…. Wherever you are I will alwa [ interrupted ]

Circe nightshade: But, Baron Nocturna, that’s just the real song.

Baron Nocturna: But I haven’t gotten to the dark part yet, but when I do you may welsh stare into the void, of insanity [ resumes singing ] . Near…. Far…. Wherev.[ interrupted ]

Azrael Abyss: [ stops the music ] Ok that’s enough, Baron!

[Azreal and Circe walk to the side of the room and Mr. Fontain follows them ]

Circe nightshade: Oh great. Now what are we gonna do? We got no song now.

Mr. Fontain: Hmm… Hey, are you kids into pornos?

Azrael Abyss: How bout more music?

[ Azreal and Circe move to Baron and Azreal turns on the music]

Baron Nocturna: [ singing ] Near…. Far.. [ Glen and his date come in and he slams the door in Baron’s face in the process ]

Glen: Hey!!! Tony!! Baloney!! Did you score that beer

Azrael Abyss: [ pushing Glen ] Glen, go away, get awa..

Glen: Todd! [ shoving Azreal to the side ]

Azrael Abyss: Ahh!! Ohww!!

Glen’s Date: [ drunk ] Oh my god Glen, isn’t that your freak brother that works at Dunkin’ Donuts?

Glen: Yah, It’s him man.

Azrael Abyss: [ comes back up ] No, I work at Cinnabuns.

Glen: [ shoving Azreal ] Shut up Todd!!!

Azrael Abyss: Eh!!

Glen: Ya score that beer, Tony Balones?

Mr. Fontain: [ giving a case of beers to Glen ] Here ya go numb nuts.

Glen: Rollin Rock. You are the kid!

Mr. Fontain: All right look, that’s twelve beers that’ll be 50 bucks my man?

Glen: Oh sure man [ reaching in his pockets ] I got singles man, I got you covered. [ gives money to Mr. Fontain ] Huh, all right.

Mr. Fontain: What ever ya got.

Glen’s Date: [ diluted ]

Glen: Honey, I’m gonna hide this, in the crapper, ok? What out side babe. [ shove’s her out ]

Glen’s Date: K!!!

Mr. Fontain: I’m gonna help her wait [ walks out ]

Glen: [ walks further into the room and looks around ] You guys are so… Pa-thetic. Can I say that? I’m goin’ in the crapper, I’m gonna pounce the beer.

Azrael Abyss: [ sticks his toung out ] Ehhh!!!!

Glen: [ shoves Azreal down ] Shut up Todd.[ leaves ]

Circe nightshade: Glen?

Azrael Abyss: [ gets back up ] Ok. Moving on. Let’s go straight to our Prom of Doom Sacrifice…

Circe nightshade: Yes… The sacrifice when we like demons of hell, will burst into the Prom upstairs, and SPLATTER the dance floor with a bucket of pig’s blood. HA!!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!!

Azrael Abyss: Actually we don’t have any pig’s blood, cause I couldn’t find any.

Mr. Fontain: Hey I got pigs blood. I got all kinds of blood. How much ya need?

Azrael Abyss: All right, that’s all about the time we have…

Mr. Fontain: Heww… it’s hotter than a bastard down here. Ya all don’t mind if I take my pants of do you?

[ All the Goths are discussed ]

Circe nightshade: Ah!! Tony Baloney!!

Mr. Fontain: Don’t worry, I wearing und… [ surprised ] Oh, I guess I’m not. [ laughs ]

Baron Nocturna: Oh man, Tony Baloney’s naked. [ leaves ]

Azrael Abyss: Join us next week, until then stay out of the [ with Circe ] daylight. [ Mr. Fontain walks up to them ] Put your pants on!!

[ Ending Titles ]

Thanks to Brian for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

I Took a Gay Guy to Prom

Office Woman…..Ana Gasteyer
Old Woman…..Molly Shannon
Convenience Store Woman…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: The Lifetime original Documentary shows the ongoing series exploring women’s issues. Lifetime Television uncovers a secret that 20 million American women share, as we proudly present…I Took a Gay Guy to Prom.

[In office setting]

Office Woman: [Picture of woman and prom date] Well, his name was Jason Sands and we double dated at the junior prom with my friend Melissa and her boyfriend Eric. Afterwards we drove out to the beach, and we talked til dawn. The next day, Jason and Eric ran away to Virginia. I heard they got jobs as dancers at Busch Gardens.

[In store]

Convenience Store Woman: Oh, yeah. I went to my prom with a gay guy, but you know I didn’t know. [Picture of woman and prom date] His name was Carl. He lives in California now. I saw him in People magazine. Evidently he makes a good living judging celebrity bridal gowns.

Office Woman: Then, when I was a freshman at Skidmore, I did running crew for “Godspell,” and I started going out with Edmund. Then I caught him in a coat closet making out with the guy who played Jesus.

Announcer: You’ll see that young girls’ fascination with gay men is nothing new. It’s a timeless scenario dating back to when Proms were called “socials”, and gays were called “mentally ill.”

[In home setting]

Old Woman: The year was 1927. And I was scheduled to attend the Rhode Island Fruling Cotillion with a one Mr. Skip Swerengen. And I remember my mother called me aside, and said “dear, that boy of your has one hand on the maypole.” [Picture of woman and prom date] And I said “mother whatever do you mean?” And she said “that young man buzzes whit the fruit flies.” And I said ” what do you mean?” “He buggers men,” she said. I didn’t know what that meant, and finally said yelled “he has sex with men!” But it still wasn’t clear, “He’s gay! He’shomosexual! He doesn’t like women!” And I didn’t get it. And as it turned out, I had a very severe learning disability. But mother was right, that boy was homosexual. And that boy was Robert Mitchum.

Interviewer [v/o]: I thought you said his name was Skip Swerengen.

Old Woman: President Eisenhower, yes.

Office Woman: Eric Forester. He came about a month before we broke up.

Convenience Store Woman: I guess I should’ve know, you know? I mean he wore his jazz shoes to gym class, so —

Office Woman: And Michael West. He was a…huge homo – sexual. I never should have married him.

Announcer: What attracts teenage girls to young gay men?

Office Woman: He was a real good listener.

Convenience Store Woman: He was a good listener.

Old Woman: He always listened to everything I had to say. That’s what I always loved about Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Announcer: I Took a Gay Guy to Prom. This Sunday at 4. Coming up next on Lifetime – 3 episodes of thirtysomething followed by the Meredith Baxter-Birney-a-thon. Lifetime: television for women…and gay men.

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Viewer’s Choice

President Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Paula Jones…..Cheri Oteri
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
…..Tim Meadows
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Goat Boy…..Jim Breuer
…..Lewis Lapham

Tim Meadows: Hello, I’m Tim Meadows, the star of Saturday Night Live. This week’s big news story was of course the dismissal of Paula Jones’s lawsuit against President Clinton. So we here at Saturday Night Live are facing a familiar quandary: how to satirize the president in a matter that is both insightful and hilarious. It’s very hard to do both in one sketch. So tonight, we’re trying to bold experiment: utilizing recent developments in digital band with technology, we here at NBC will be broadcasting multiple signals on one channel simultaneously. Tonight, for the first time, you the viewer, will be able to choose between two broadcast. On NBC 1 is noted political commentator and editor of Harper’s magazine, Lewis Lapham. [switches to NBC 1] He willprovide informed commentary and historical prospective on the Paula Jones’ suit.

Lewis Lapham: It’s a pleasure to be here.

[switches to Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows: Thank you. And on NBC 2, because we are free from our obligation to be intelligent, we have a top flight network comedy scene about Clinton’s dong.

[Switches to NBC 2]

President Clinton: A lot of crazy stuff is about to go down.

Monica Lewinsky: You’re funny, Bill.

President Clinton: Ha-ha! Well honey, let’s just say that after that judge’s ruling, the big cat is ready to prowl again.

[Both start tickling each other and laughing]

[switches to Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows: Well the choice is yours, America. And as always the entertainment is free, thanks to your friends at NBC. Enjoy.

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: Hello, America. The dynamics behind the Paula Jones case and the Clinton sexual allegations, operate on several levels. The first concerns an erosion of civic understanding…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

Hillary Clinton: …..and just because you got off with this Paula Jones case, don’t think I wont be watching you!

President Clinton: Yes Hillary — I…I mean sir.

[Hillary exits, as 0Monica pops out of one side of the desk]

Monica Lewinsky: We got off!! Woooo!

President Clinton: We’re going to have some fun! Yes sir!

[Paula Jones pops out of the other side of the desk]

Monica Lewinsky: Paula Jones! What are you doing here?!

Paula Jones: Well I figured if you can’t beat ’em, do ’em.

President Clinton: Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! See if Kathleen Willey is down there.

Paula Jones: [looks down] I see a willey, but its not named Kathleen!…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..And while we focus on events that have no direct bearing on our lives, decisions being made behind closed doors, change the way we live. Decisions that criminalize the ordinary behavior of everyday life…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[Monica Lewinsky, President Clinton, and Paula Jones are having a pillow fight]

President Clinton: …..This is gonna be the best sleep I’ve ever had in the oval office!

Paula Jones: But we only got one sleeping bag!

Janet Reno: All right, Billy boy, I heard you’re having a sleep over without me.

[pillow fight stops]

President Clinton: Janet Reno. Hell, you’ll probably burn down the place.

Janet Reno: [To Monica] Hey, cute stuff.

Monica Lewinsky: Hey…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..And Clinton’s failure to take a strong stand to support for the campaign finance bill, wasn’t even reported by the mainstream media. Meanwhile the large corporations in our country, continue to exert under the influence…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[President Clinton is smoking a cigarette, and all are covered from the head down with a blanket]

President Clinton: …..Damn, you’re good baby.

[down the line…]

Monica Lewinsky: Thanks.

Paula Jones: Thanks.

Janet Reno: Thanks.

Goat Boy: Baaa-aaa-aa. Thanks.

Janet Reno: Goat boy let’s you get freaky in the sack.

Goat Boy: Baa-aaa…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..Please, America. Stay with me for a second here. See, we continue to live in a society divided into two parts. Two social classes. One of them…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[Everybody dancing to “Spice Girls” music]

Monica Lewinsky: ……Ooh, I wish that pizza would get here already.

President Clinton: Me too.

[Knock on door]

President Clinton: Come in. Hello?

Oprah Winfrey: Hi! It’s Oprah Winfrey, and guess what, I ate all the pizza!

President Clinton: A woman after my own heart.

Oprah Winfrey: [Pushes Paula Jones away, and stands next to President Clinton] You fine thing, you. That ain’t the only thing I’m after.

President Clinton: Oo-ooh. Looks like I’m about to join Oprah’s Book Club…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: Good. You’re back. Now as I was saying. Hey, don’t change the…

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

[Oprah Winfrey is smoking a cigarette with President Clinton, and covered from the head down with a blanket; “Spice Girls” music still playing]

President Clinton: …..Damn Oprah, you can sure do more than talk.

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm. Honey, I am full of surprises.

[Oprah Winfrey removes wig, and pulls out a knife]

President Clinton: O.J!!

O.J. Simpson: The juice is on the loose!!…..

[Fades with static to NBC 1]

Lewis Lapham: …..I give up. I heard a good Clinton joke the other day. Clinton didn’t inhale when he and Lewinsky….did stuff. I-I can’t remember how it goes, but listen, what I am trying to say is simple. We have to challenge political power. Question the people who hold it, otherwise America can expect to do no better than…..

[Fades with static to NBC 2]

President Clinton, Goat Boy, Janet Reno, Oprah Winfrey, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones: …..Live from New York, its’s Saturday Night!!!

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter…..Steve Buscemi
Alice…..Molly Shannon
Rabbit…..John Hurt
Rat…..Ana Gasteyer
Doctors…..Tim Meadows, Chris Kattan

Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Children’s Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party.

[Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs]

Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party I’ve ever been to.

Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course it’s absurd. That’s because we’re all mad, marvelously mad!

Alice: You’re all mad?

Rabbit: Well of course we’re all mad. Why, I’m so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter]

Rat: I’m so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter]

Mad Hatter: Hey, I’m so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter]

Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say?

Mad Hatter: I said I’m mad, wonderfully funderfully mad.

Rabbit: Oh…yeah…mad…right. Well, I’m so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea.

Mad Hatter: Why I’m so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts.

Alice: That is horrible.

Mad Hatter: What’s wrong? Can’t you handle a merry, whimsical madness?

Rabbit: No, I’m with her, that’s not mad, that is sick.

Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, we’re all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I don’t see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot]

Rat: You don’t see the difference? I wear socks on my hands.

Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! It’s Wing-Dangily wonderful madness!

Alice: Your friend is scaring me.

Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you.

Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth!

Rabbit: I think you’d just better go.

Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We haven’t finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table]

Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister.

Rat: I thought this was…Hey what are you doing under the table?

Rabbit: Oh my God…he’s having a fit!

Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, aren’t they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that he’s not wearing pants. Does a little dance]

Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didn’t hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter]

Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, that’s all.

Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, you’re coming with us.

Mad Hatter: You’re all dead and you don’t even know it!

Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, he’s a madman.

[They start to leave]

Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea.

Alice, Rabbit, Rat: What…our tea!?

[Back to book closing]

Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland.

Thanks to Brian Malik for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 4th, 1998

Steve Buscemi

Third Eye Blind

Lewis Lapham

John Hurt

Didi Conn

Natasha Henstridge

Viewer’s Choice

Tim Meadows gives viewers a chance to choose between a Lewis Lapham commentary
or a Clinton (Darrell Hammond) pajama party sketch.

Steve Buscemi’s Monologue

Buscemi can’t get the hang of improve with Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer and Tim Meadows.

Xerox Assjet 790

(Repeat) See: 09/27/97.

Alice In Wonderland

Mad Hatter (Buscemi) is committed for leaning more toward Mentally Disturbing.

Morning Latte

Grease groupie (Buscemi) is ecstatic to meet Did Conn.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Goth Talk

Janitor Tony Baloney (Buscemi) interrupts the Prom of Doom in the boiler room.

Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss, Glen.

TV Funhouse

Disney’s “Titey” gives Titanic sinking a happy animated ending.

Stuff We Made

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Reggie White (Tracy Morgan) makes racist statements.

Third Eye Blind performs “How’s It Going To Be”

Judge Judy

Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Burt.

Job Interview

Crazy boss (Buscemi) interviews a new hire (Chris Kattan).

I Took A Gay Guy To Prom

Jim Halsey’s Truck Drivin’ Museum

The Lost Deep Thoughts

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

… Colin Quinn

[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]

Colin Quinn: Thank you. I’m ColinQuinn.

Well, the big story all week was Bill Clinton. What aSpring Break he’s having, huh? … Depositions,accusations. The week started out great for him — JimMcDougal died. I know it’s one of his closest friends,but let’s face it, he was pretty happy. That wasStarr’s key witness. He’s relieved but he’s gotta actupset. He can’t come out and start celebrating likeMariah Carey’s been doin’ since she left TommyMottola, right? … Can’t run around in a tube topsayin’, “I’m a butterfly, I’m a butterfly.” … Thatwas a great Mariah Carey impression, I know….

Then Tuesday, in some kind of Freudian self-cleansing,he announced he’s gonna have his dog Buddy neutered…. Y’know? When the President informed Buddy of thedecision, the dog was heard to say, “Don’t ever callme Buddy again.” …

Then yesterday afternoon they released seven hundredpages of documents, including two of Clinton’s owndepositions. Here’s basically what the depositionsays: Gennifer Flowers: fondled for twelve years;Kathleen Willey: supposedly fondled; Paula Jones:almost fondled; Linda Tripp: wishes she was fondled;… Monica Lewinsky: did all the fondling. …

Then you have the Kathleen Willey story. He says hejust kissed her on the forehead, but Kathleen Willeysays Clinton kissed her on the forehead, then took herright hand and placed it on his genitals, and said,”Do you swear to not tell the truth, the whole truthand anything but the truth?” …

In the documents they listed some other Jane Does thatClinton was with. One of them was a Miss America. Nowhow did the cute one slip in there? … All right?[cheers and applause] Ah, Miss America. Ah, all right.You know that’s the only one that bothers Hillary,too. … The rest of them she doesn’t care about. Butthat one must kill her.

But you know what it was? Clinton screwed up becausehe was born at the wrong time. I’m sure everypresident had like six mistresses, but he lives in atime when you get called on for your behavior, whenthe country’s just a giant “Ricki Lake Show” judgingyour sex life, y’know? … If this was thirty yearsago, these kinds of things would get taken care of.Paula Jones would’ve got her twenty-five grand and thejob in Hollywood she asked for. Monica Lewinskywould’ve been President of Revlon already. … AndLinda Tripp would have been taken to Vegas, driven outto the desert behind the Sands, and “accidentallyoverdosed,” you know? … [some applause]

Astronomers have reported that a giant asteroid couldpass near Earth in the year 2028. [A working screenimage of the classic coin-operated video game”Asteroids” appears next to Colin — a tiny triangularspacecraft in an asteroid field] Should the asteroidget close enough to threaten life on our planet, thescientists plan to board a tiny triangular spacecraftand fire a laser at the asteroid [The “Asteroids”spacecraft starts shooting asteroids with theappropriate sound effects] … breaking it into foursmaller pieces, then destroy each of those smallerpieces. … If the scientists destroy the entireasteroid, they will get to enter their initials in the”Top Ten Scores” … but instead of their initials,they will probably enter “SEX” or “ASS.” … Best ofall, NASA spokespeople predict that the cost of theentire operation will be one quarter. … Ah, wepushed it as far as we could go. … Allright.

[Photo of Clinton with United NationsSecretary-General Kofi Annan] Kofi Annan met with thePresident this week to ask the U.S. to pay the 1.3billion that we owe to the U.N. The President refusedand then kissed him on the forehead and took Annan’shand and put it on his genitals. … [applause] Oh?Surprise, surprise.

A Minnesota judge who’s presiding over a lawsuitagainst tobacco companies was accused of bias. Thetobacco companies claim he made “anti-tobacco”comments. Now, is this what we’ve come to? Have webecome so politically correct that you can’t make aninsulting remark about tobacco? What is ananti-tobacco remark? “Hey, I don’t mind individualcigarettes, but when they get together they become apack. Then they’re trouble, you know?” …

According to scientists at Cambridge University,female penguins on an island near the South Pole areprostituting themselves to male penguins for stonesthey use to build nests. Police have arrested theirpimp. [Photo of grinning actor Burgess Meredith asBatman’s arch villain “The Penguin” (from the 1960slive action TV series “Batman”). He wears a purple tophat and a monocle with a long cigarette holderclenched in his teeth.] … I know people don’t liketo think of penguins having sex. It is kind ofdisgusting. But every man here knows — be honest –if you’re driving around one night, you have no money,it’s late, you see a penguin with a halter top and yougot a few rocks in the trunk — you’re gonna make amove. … Yeah, bust a move, I should say.

The man who invented the leisure suit, William Farah,died Monday after a long battle with bad taste. …Services will be held in the men’s department at J. C.Penney. … [scattered applause]

NASA’s lunar prospector last week discovered evidenceof sizable reservoirs of ice on the moon. In order toimprove home game attendance, the New York Islandersare planning to relocate there. … [mild responsefrom crowd, Colin reacts:] What, are they having agood year? All right. All right.

A study of odors that sexually arouse women found thatthe most stimulating aromas are licorice, pumpkin, andlavender. The same study showed that men become mostaroused when they smell desperation. … And I had theface of desperation, you notice that? For differentreasons entirely.

The Federal government is considering legislationwhich would put a condensed version of the U.S.Constitution on the back of one dollar bills. Nowyou’ll be able to study law and enjoy a lap dance atthe same time. …

Utah Jazz forward Karl Malone says he has gotten apermit to carry a concealed weapon. He’s also changinghis nickname from “The Mailman” to “The DisgruntledMailman.” … [ironic] Tee hee.

[Photo of Albert Lippert with caption under it reading”BEFORE”] Albert Lippert, a founder of WeightWatchers, died at the age of 72 this week. [Photo ofskeleton with caption under it reading “AFTER”] …Ah, you gotta like it.

This Tuesday is St. Patrick’s Day. In the spirit ofMayor Giuliani’s new policy of civility in the city,vomiting will only be allowed on designatedcrosswalks.

I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking toit.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Terence Maddox

Terence Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Teacher…..Julianne Moore
Student #1…..Cheri Oteri
Student #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Student #3…..Chris Kattan
Student #4…..Molly Shannon

[OPEN – night exterior – see “Morris County Community College” on the side of a brick school building]

Teacher: All right, class. Tonight we’re gonna work with the most rewarding subject that there is for an artist: the human body. Now, unfortunately, the life model I normally use was unable to make it, but we do have a last-minute replacement. His name is Terence Maddox. Terence, you can come in now.

[Maddox approaches, wearing a robe. Stands next to Teacher. Puts down bag]

Teacher: Okay. Terence, whenever you’re ready.

Terence Maddox: All right, gang. It’s showtime. Prepare to have your gaskets blown. [takes off robe] W-e-ell?

Teacher: All right, Mr. Maddox, if you could please lie down.

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-ell?

Teacher: Please just lie down.

Terence Maddox: Whoa-whoa! Let the people be heard.

[there’s silence]

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-elll??

Teacher: Just have a seat.

Terence Maddox: All right, all right. Now, I’ll try and lay as still as I can, but work with me, people, ’cause Daddy’s got the shakes.

Teacher: Just do the best you can.

[Maddox groans as he settles in]

Teacher: Now, now, if you wouldn’t mind just quieting down, these students are here to learn.

Terence Maddox: Oh. Well then I got a little somethin’ for them. Here’s a little biology lesson, class. [points to his right nipple] Milk. [points to his left nipple] Milk. [points down toward his groin] Lemonade. [points around to his rear] This is where the fudge is made-

Teacher: Mr. Maddox. Please. Just lie still. [walking to the front of the class] Now, class, before you draw Mr. Maddox, I want all of you to just look at him for a moment. Take him in, notice the way the nude human form-

Student #1: [pointing] Oh my God! Oh! That’s gross!

[class groans]

Teacher: Oh, dear God!

Terence Maddox: What?!

Teacher: Mr. Maddox, please!

Terence Maddox: [looks down] Uh-oh. Somebody woke the baby.

Teacher: Just cover yourself.

Terence Maddox: I guess all that talk about taking me in kinda got me excited. Truth be told, that’s what got me into this crazy biz. [looks down again] Well, don’t worry, folks. It looks like the Hulk’s not mad anymore. He’s turning back into harmless ol’ Bruce Banner.

Student #2: I do not believe this!

Terence Maddox: Now, to answer your question, yes, I did lose a testicle in Vietnam. Charlie made soup out of it about thirty years ago. Cream of Maddox.

[class groans]

Terence Maddox: Yeah, that was the ball du jour that day. Hey, all this talk is making me hungry. Is it cool if I grub up? [reaches down to his bag]

Teacher: If it’ll keep you quiet, you can do whatever you want.

Terence Maddox: [holding up bag of chips] Got these tortilla chips bulk. But they’re a little bland. [reaches into bag, pulls out block of cheese and a cheese grater] That’s where my little buddy Monterey Jack comes in handy. [starts to grate cheese onto his chest] See, the body heat melts the Jack. And I’m tellin’ you, people, I’m all about body heat.

Student #3: Oh my God. That’s sick.

Student #2: Yeah.

Student #4: [gestures to Teacher] Oh, come on, this is gross! Do something!

Teacher: Uh, Mr. Maddox, that’s disgusting. You know what, why don’t you leave, right now.

[Maddox starts to sob, then hack]

Teacher: Uh…uh-please-please calm down. Mr. Maddox, I’m sorry. Listen, if you promise to lay still, you can stay as long as you’d like.

Terence Maddox: That’s okay. I know when I’m not wanted. You don’t have to kick ol’ Terence Maddox in the ball. [getting up, putting on robe] Now… I may not have gone to some fancy art school… but if you ask me, you people wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot taking a crap on all your cars. Which, by the way, it is just seconds away from doing. Good day, to you. [Maddox walks off]

[“What a Wonderful World” plays over a series of students’ sketches of Maddox]

[Maddox blows a kiss at camera, points to his eye, winks and says, “Wink,” then does hand gestures…]

Thanks to Sharon Eldridge for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Pretty Living

Gail Glesson…..Ana Gasteyer
Andrea Powers…..Julianne Moore
Helen Madden…..Molly Shannon

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy! Hi! Hi, and welcome to “Pretty Living”. I’m Gail Gleeson!

Andrea Powers: And I’m Andrea Powers! We’ve got a fantastic show for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, do we ever! We have fun, beauty and loads of fashion!

Andrea Powers: Speaking of fashion, you look great!

Gail Gleeson: Thank you! And you look great!

Andrea Powers: Thank you!

[ they laugh inanely ]

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: Taking a compliment is really hard!

Gail Gleeson: Tell me about it!

Andrea Powers: Ever since I’ve been married, I can’t take a compliment. Not that my husband gives me any.

Gail Gleeson: [ the mood ruined ] Right. [ pause ] What do we have today?

Andrea Powers: Oh, se have such a fun show planned for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, you said it! Dr. Moeny is gonna show us how to organize our tax receipts, and that is gonna be fantastic!

Andrea Powers: But right now, it’s time to meet our first guest, who happens to be an absolute delight.

Gail Gleeson: She sure is. In fact, she’s a licensed joyologist.

Andrea Powers: That’s right. She’s one of our favorite guests.

Gail Gleeson: And she has just released her new book, called “Dressing For Joy”.

Andrea Powers: Please help us welcome Helen Madden!

Gail Gleeson: Helen Madden!

[ Helen comes running and bouncing onto the set, kissing Gail and Andrea before sitting down ]

Helen Madden: Pretty Lady 1, Pretty Lady 2!

Gail Gleeson: Helen, you are having one heck of a year! How are you enjoying all of your success?

Helen Madden: [ raises her legs high in the air ] Oh, I love it! Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit!! I love it! I love it, I love ti, I love it!

Gail Gleeson: You really enjoy what you do!

Helen Madden: I love it!

Gail Gleeson: [ laughing ] Terrific! Terrific!

Helen Madden: I have to tell you – uh, as you know, I’m a joyologist. And it takes a lot of time and energy to stay joy-focused, and to teach others how to stay joy-focused. And I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I happen to be really, really, really, really, really good at it! I’m good at it! I’m really good at it!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: You know, it must feel really great to be good at something. [ fuming ] I wish I was really good at something.

[ the moment passes ]

Gail Gleeson: Now, Helen, how exactly did you move from joyologist to fashion expert?

Helen Madden: Excellent question, to the lady in the blue.

Gail Gleeson: Thank you!

Helen Madden: Uh.. I do a lot of public speaking. And at one recent speaking engagement, this young gal came up to me after my speech, and she said to me, “Helen Madden, I love all the things you had to say.” And she put her little hands on her hip, and she said, “But let me ask you this – how in the heck did you put together that cute outfit?”

Gail Gleeson: Ohhhh.. neat.. neat.

Andrea Powers: Helen, in your book you talk about fashion as a reflection of the inner self. Now, what does mean in terms of your wardrobe?

Helen Madden: A little Helen Madden secret – I love belts. [ twists herself around her chair ] I love ’em! I love ’em, I love ’em, I love ’em, I lvoe ’em! I’m a belt lady. I love belts, number one; vests, number two.

Gail Gleeson: Oohhh.. vests. Vests. Okay. Hey, I’ve got a great question. How does fashion affect your relationships?

Helen Madden: I recently started dating a gentleman who I’m very fond of.. uh.. Helen is a little bit on love! If you will! Okay! This gentlemen loves.. hats. He loves hats. So when I go out with him, I like to wear a classy hat, or a cap, or a little show biz chapeau, if you will

Gail Gleeson: How neat!

Helen Madden: Or a cowboy hat, a big cowboy hat. I like to make my man smile. I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!

Andrea Powers: So get yourself a hat, ladies.

Gail Gleeson: Apparently, men love hats! [ giggles with delight ]

Andrea Powers: [ sullen ] Helen, I don’t like myself very much, so often I go out without a winter coat so people can see my pretty dress.

Gail Gleeson: [ annoyed ] Okay, that’s enough. [ changes subject ] Okay, evening wear?

Andrea Powers: Right, right. How do you go from daytime to nighttime? Do you change earrings, or shoes..?

Helen Madden: Well, I have to tell you, I’m not a 9-to-5 kind of lady, as you can probably see for yourself. And what I do is, me and Tres, my man, like to go out African rhythm dancing sometimes at night, get a little crazy. And what I like to do when I do that, is I wear a leopard unitard with a coat dress, or a sweatercoat with a hood and a belt. Okay? Because I like to let my body move the way it was meant to move, you know? I really like to get up and be womanly. I like to shake, to shake, to shake!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, neat!

[ Helen demonstrates her dance moves, as Gail and Andrea join in ]

Gail Gleeson: Stay tuned, we’ll be right back with Dr. Money!

[ fade out ]

[ dissolve to the SNL Band, Lenny Pickett leading the band on saxophone ]

[ suddenly, Kenneth Starr enters, taps Lenny’s shoulder and cuts the band off ]

Kenneth Starr: I’m Kenneth Starr, I’m the Independent Counsel, and I’m serving you with this subpeona.

Lenny Pickett: [ flustered ] Uh.. can I finish this song first?

Kenneth Starr: No. Guys? [ motions for some federal agents to haul Lenny away ] Everyone, just carry on.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

TV Funhouse

[ note: this cartoon appeared in the original March broadcast of the SNL episode, but was cut from the summer rerun. SNL producer Lorne Michaels told the New York Daily News he “didn’t think it worked comedically.” In an interview, Harry Shearer said “The truth is that Lorne wanted to continue working at 30 Rock.” ]

[ the song and cartoon are in the style of PBS’ “Schoolhouse Rock” cartoons. Rocky, in “SR” suit and cape, turns the stone “School Room Rock” title into “Conspiracy Theory Rock.” As a group of children enters the “schoolroom” Rocky puts his fingers to his lips as if to say “Shh!” ]

Singers:
“Schoolroom Rocky’s back on the block
With Conspiracy Theory Rock

It’s a media-opoly. A media-opoly.”

[ logos of the five major corporations–GE, Westinghouse, Disney, Fox and Time-Warner, each with eight octopus legs–sit at a banquet table with the logos of media corporations–ABC, CNN, TV Guide, the NBC peacock, the CBS eye–served up as food on plates ]

Singers:
“The whole media’s controlled by a few corporations.
Thanks to deregulation by the FCC.”

[ the Westinghouse logo eats the CBS eye, GE gobbles up the NBC peacock, Fox eats TV Guide, Mickey Mouse eats ABC, under which is the title “DEREGULATION!” A bearded hippy sees this on TV and asks: ]

Hippy: You mean Disney, Fox, Westinghouse and good ol’ GE?

Singers: “They own networks from CBS to CNBC.”

[ the logos’ tentacles are shown holding various conquests: Military Jet Engines, nuclear reactors, Radioactive waste, Cable TV, Music, Surveillance Radar, Bass Petroleum ]

Hippy [ sings ]
“They can use them to say whatever they please
And put down the opinions of anyone who disagrees.”

[ Peter Jennings on World News Tonight wears Mickey Mouse ears. Dan Rather on CBS reports in front of a SUPER: “WASHER-DRYERS IMPROVE SEX”. On the Today Show, Matt Lauer covers a protest sign at the window that reads “GE POISONS ENVIRONMENT” so that it reads “GE LOVES YOU” ]

Singers: “Or stuff about PCBs”

Hippy: What are PCBs?

Singers: “They come from electric power plants built by Westinghouse and GE.”

[ a nuclear factory with the Westinghouse and GE logos interchanging produces smoke with the letters PCB. ]

Hippy: [ sings ]
“They can give you lots of cancer
That can hurt your body”

[ inside a factory worker breathes in the letters, sneezes and his nose tears off. ]

Singers:
“But on network TV
You’ll rarely hear anything bad about the nuclear industry”

[ the Logo Octopi are shown holding media logos, nuclear factories, B-1 bombers, power plants, etc. The NBC peacock kisses one of the nuclear factories. The CBS eye winks at Westinghouse ]

Hippy: Like when Westinghouse was sued for fraud?

[ newspaper headline reads “NEVADA POWER AND LIGHT SUES WESTINGHOUSE.” The CBS eye jumps in and gawks at the headline. ]

Kids: “Which time?”

[ A second paper enters with the headline: “WESTINGHOUSE IN PCB SUIT”. Each headline throughout is followed by a footnote number ]

Hippy: [ sings ] “When GE made defective bolts it was an unreported crime”

[ a newspaper headline reads “GE IN BOLT SCANDAL” The NBC peacock comes in and angrily soils the headline ]

Hippy: [ sings ]
“Or when it was boycotted for operating nuclear bomb plants
just to squeeze a dime…”

[ another paper pushes the bird aside and reads “1% OF CONSUMERS NOW BOYCOTTING GE”. A footnote after the headline reads at the bottom of the page: “Chicago Tribune 5-14-91” ]

Singers: “That’s a footnote, by the way.”

Hippy: [ sings ]”A footnote protects you from folks who doubt what you say.”

[ the NBC peacock sneers at the footnote ]

Hippy: [ banging the side of his head, sings ] “Now maybe the voices in my head will go away.”

Singers: “But the bigshots don’t care.
They’re all sitting pretty thanks to corporate welfare.”

[ the Logo Octopi sit in rocking chairs holding their network logos. Title reads “CORPORATE WELFARE” ]

Hippy: What’s that now?

Singers: “They get billions in subsidies from the government.It’s supposed to create jobs but that’s not how it’s spent.”

[ logos jump for joy among falling money. GE eats one of the bills.Westinghouse stands before rows of employees. It pushes down the top row of people who *ka-ching!* like a cash register and are replaced with the word DOWNSIZE ]

Singers: “They use PACs and soft money to support Congressmen
Who will vote for weapons programs again and again…”

[ GE has its arm around a gray-haired politician playing golf, then pulls down a placard, showing his face through it, reading FOR CONGRESS. The politician, now congressman, shakes hands with and hugs the famous SHR “Only a Bill” Bill which reads “Bomber Fund” ]

Singers: “And let them dump toxic waste where the young ones play.”

[ Westinghouse leans on a barrel of toxic waste that leaks near a playground of children ]

Hippy: [ sings ] “I hear GE made the bullets that shot JFK.”

[ GE hands Lee Harvey Oswald a handful of bullets then shakes his hand. Paper reads GE BEHIND ASSASSINATION with large “5” footnote accentuated. Footnote reads “MY UNCLE LARRY” ]

Singers:
“You contribute to this chain
Every time you buy a product
Sponsored on this show.”

[ GE huddles with Congressman, Nuclear Factory, Oswald, and holds up a television which reads “BUY LOTSA BEER.” A person throws down a bill and grabs the beer bottle from the TV. The TV opens up and a B-1 Bomber comes out ]

Hippy: [ sings ] “That’s what NBC doesn’t want you to know.”

[ the NBC peacock flies in and tries to cover the image ]

Singers: “So next time—”

[ screen goes blank and reads PLEASE STAND BY with NBC logo and a high-pitched tone. Letters begin to dance ]

Singers:
“‘Please stand by’
‘Please stand by’
It means there’s technical difficulty
Supposedly”

[ the bearded hippy lifts the graphic to reveal a group of homeless people ]

Singers:
“So if you see
A ‘Please Stand By’
You’ll know it’s all part of GE’s big lie.”

[ they wave dismissively and walk off towards the GE logo setting like the sun on the horizon ]

Singers:
“Why’d they take Norm MacDonald away?
Because he made too many jokes about O.J.,
but Lorne Michaels overruled.

Hippy: [ sings ]
Now don’t be fooled.
He and Marion Barry went to the same high school.”

[ the GE logo blinks then burns out. Fade ]

Thanks to George F. Higgs for this trnascript!

SNL Transcripts

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Audrey Kay…..Julianne Moore

[ open on exterior, NPR van parked in front of a cornfield ]

[ dissolve to Margret Jo and Teri performing a live remote in the cornfield ]

Margaret McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret McCullen: And you’re listening to..

Together: “The Delicious Dish”. On National Public Radio.

Margaret McCullen: Now, Terry, we’ve decided to shake things up this week. We’re coming to you live, from a field, outside of..

Together: Kirby, Nebraska!

Margaret McCullen: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this! I feel like an Acapulco cliffdiver!

Teri Rialto: I know. It’s exciting and dangerous. And, thanks to the magic of radio, we can share this thrilling experience with our listeners.

Margaret McCullen: That’s right, So, lash yourself to the mast, everybody, and prepare yourselves for what Teri and I like to call the soundgasm that is rural Nebraska!

[ sound of truck passing ]

Margaret McCullen: I think I hear a truck.

Teri Rialto: Trucks are.. useful.

Margaret McCullen: They really are. Truck are neat, I like them.

Teri Rialto: I like trucks, too.

Margaret McCullen: This is really fun!

Teri Rialto: It’s nice to take risks.

Margaret McCullen: It sure is. Yes. We’re gonna have fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Anyway, Terry, the reason we’re here – besides the auditory thrill ride – is to visit Red Bliss Farm. It’s the only working organic farm that produces one of our favorite heartland staple crops..

Together: Sorghum!

Teri Rialto: That’s right. And here to talk with us about the organic production of this multi-purpose grain, is Harvesting Director Audrey Kay.

Margaret McCullen: Hi, Audrey. It’s so fun to be here, in your environment.

Audrey Kay: Thank you. And I’d like to welcome you to Red Bliss Farms, our little oasis of organic purity.

Teri Rialto: So, Audrey, we have a lot of ground to cover!

Audrey Kay: I’ll say. Our compound covers over 1,500 acres of ground.

Margaret McCullen: Wow! What a clever play on words!

Teri Rialto: That was really funny!

Margaret McCullen: This is fun.

Teri Rialto: This is neat!

Margaret McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun.

Margaret McCullen: It’s neat for you to be here.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Good times. Now, Audrey, so many of us take sorghum for granted. Will you give our listeners a glimpse into the kaleidoscope that is sorghum production?

Audrey Kay: It truly is an intoxicating prism. Now, pay attention, because this can get tricky. Sorghum can be used for syrup.. grain.. and broom fiber.

Teri Rialto: Broom fiber? You just blew my mind!

Margaret McCullen: So, if you spilled some sorghum, you could sweep it up with soem sorghum! [ light, muffled laugh ]

Audrey Kay: [ serious ] That’s very funny.. but we keep the compound extremely clean.

Teri Rialto: Speaking of which, why don’t you tell us a little bit more about Red Bliss Farms.

Audrey Kay: Certainly. Our compound is a fully self-sufficient farm. We purify our own water, we preserve and can our own food, and we provide a safe and spiritually-nurturing haven for all 333 cadets of the Intergalactic Apocalypse that live and work here on the compound.

Margaret McCullen: [ stunned ] Oh. I.. I guess there’s a lot I didn’t know about organic farming..

Audrey Kay: We all have a lot to learn. That is why we follow the teachings of Allias.

Teri Rialto: Allias? Is that your boss?

Audrey Kay: Allias is a divine leader. He was born 4,000 years ago, on the planet Cortex. His true name cannot be pronounced by the human tongue.

Margaret McCullen: [ for lack of something to say ] Our.. our boss’ name is Chet.

Teri Rialto: So.. uh.. your farm is called Red Bliss Farms. Do you also grow red bliss potatoes here?

Audrey Kay: Potatoes? Oh, no. It’s named that because we are all awaiting the Red Bliss. It is coming! It will descend upon our planet with a deluge of plasma and ecstasy! Few will be spared. Which is why all cadets sleep in lead-lined coffins.

Margaret McCullen: [ nervous ] Wow, Terry.. I think I heard another truck go by..

Audrey Kay: Have the two of you given any thought to where your souls will reside after the sky is torn to shreds by silver saucers?

Margaret McCullen: No.. I haven’t..

Teri Rialto: [ firm ] I have.

Margaret McCullen: Wh-Where’s the van?

Audrey Kay: Terry. You and I have much to talk about.

Margaret McCullen: [ quickly ] That’s all the time we have on the Delicious Dish..

Audrey Kay: Do you want to see my implant scars?

Margaret McCullen: No.

Teri Rialto: I want to see them.

Margaret McCullen: Join us next week, when we’ll be safely back in the studio.

Audrey Kay: Are you ready to meet Allias?

Margaret McCullen: No! And our topic will be.. fennel.

Teri Rialto: I want to meet Allias.

Margaret McCullen: Terry, I’m getting you out of here. Terry. Terry.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts