SNL Tonight

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Kenneth Starr…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: And now, a Message from the President of the United States.

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. I come before you tonight, not to talk about the important business of running th country, but, rather.. [ holds up bulky report ] ..to specifically address this huge document that the lawyers for Paula Jones have made so graciously available to me. My fellow Americans, I have read this thing cover-to-cover, and, folks.. it’s good stuff! [ laughs ] I mean, it is hotter than Hell! And the best part is, it’s all about me!

Let me just read you a little passage from a certain Miss Kathleen Willie. [ clears throat ] You’re gonna love this..

[ reading ]

“And then the president escorted me down a narrow hallway, from the Oval Office to a dining room and back. I was thirsdty, and he offered me a drink. Before we reached the dining room, the President reached out and tried to kiss me. He lifted his hand, and put it on my breast; and then, my hand to his penis.”

[ closes report, and thumps on desk ]

That is hot! Jackie Collins, my ass! [ laughs ] And I actually did all that! I mean.. I didn’t.. but..

Have you ever read a book that’s so good, you just can’t put it down? And then you just want to run out and tell everyone all about it? Folks, this is one of those books! Can I just read you one more juicy passage? This is from a lady who calls herself Mrs. Jones..

[ reading ]

“I was then escorted into a private hotel room, where the governor lowered his pants. There was something different about him, a mark or something. And then he asked me to kiss it.”

[ closes report ]

Did she kiss it? You’re gonna have to buy the book to find out. I swear to God, I just thought everyone in the country should have the opportunity to read this. That’s why we, here at the White House, will be issuing this handsomely-produced copy of all 700 pages, with this romantic cover.

[ close-up of sexy dime-store romance novel cover ]

That’s me! I look like Fabio! [ laughs ] I call this “Deposition”. Hopefully, it will be in bookstores by summer. I mean, this would be a great book to read on the beach, and I strongly urge all Americans to buy this book. Anyway, thank you for your time, America, and God bless you all.

[ Ken Starr enters Oval Office set ]

Ken Starr: Are you Darrell Hammond?

Darrell Hammond: [ confused ] What? Who are you?

Ken Starr: Are you Darrell Hammond, the man who plays the president on “Saturday Night Live”?

Darrell Hammond: [ annoyed ] Yes!

Ken Starr: Well, Mr. Hammond, my name is Ken Starr. I’m the Independent Counsel, and I’m serving you with this subpoena. Come with me.

Darrell Hammond: No! What do you want with me?! I’m not the President!

Ken Starr: Shut your hole, Hammond! I subpoenaed all the real people, now I’m subpoenaing the people who do impressions of him. Boys? Come on in.

Darrell Hammond: No! Don’t! Hey!

[ Agents enter the set and cart Darrell Hammond out of the studio ]

Ken Starr: I’m gonna enjoy this. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Shirtless Bible Salesmen

Leif Barrett…..Will Ferrell
Kent State…..Tim Meadows
Homemaker…..Julianne Moore

[ open on a suburban porch, inside angle as Homemaker answers the door ]

Leif Barrett: Hey there, pretty lady. My name’s Leif Barrett. This is my partner Kent State. We’re shirtless, and we sell bibles.

Kent State: And you, you look like the kind of pretty lady who could use a bible, or twelve [ laughs ]. But seriously, how many bibles would you like to buy?

Homemaker: Sorry, guys, I’m not interested in buying any bibles today.

Leif Barrett: Well, that’s bad news, ’cause I’m planning on busting my ass to get you into a brand new bible.

Homemaker: Thanks anyway, I don’t need any bibles.

Leif Barrett: Maybe I can put it to you a little more clearly. This bible reeks of class [ Kent sniffs a bible ], okay? A sophisticated little number. And, dudes are going to go nuts when you buy this and put it on your shelf.

Homemake: Yeah? I’m married. I don’t want dudes going nuts in my home.

Kent State: Uh, but, lady, this bible has pictures in it.

Leif Barrett: Yeah, there’s pictures of that guy Jesus, and other bible guys, from the olden days.

Homemaker: Why aren’t you wearing any shirts?

Leif Barrett: Bibles don’t wear shirts. Why should we?

Homemaker: Because you’re gross?

Kent State: Yeah? You know what’s not gross?

Homemaker: The bible?

Kent State: Oh, dammit. You anticipate my every move, you know that? you must be really good at checkers.

Leif Barrett: How ’bout this? What if every bible came.. with a brick of gold? Would you buy one?

Homemaker: Of course.

Leif Barrett: Okay. Now, take away the bar of gold. Do you still want one?

Homemaker: No.

Leif Barett: Okay, the gold’s back. You want one now?
Homemaker: Of course.

Kent State: Okay, what if I told you that I would remove my pants if you buy a bible?

Homemaker: Then I would definitely not buy a bible.

Kent State: Okay, what if told you that I would remove my underpants? Would that sweeten the deal?

Homemaker: No.

Kent State: What if I also.. okay.. lady, how ’bout this: you see this watch? This is how much the Lord loves you.

Homemaker: That doesn’t make any sense!

Leif Barrett: You know who does make sense?

Homemaker: Who?

Leif Barett: Jesus.

Kent State: Mmm-hmm. Jesus Martinez. He’s our supervisor. And he says if we don’t sell 1,500 bibles a week for a year, we owe him 700 grand.

Leif Barrett: We signed four contracts saying we’d do this.

Kent State: And they all hold up in court.

Homemaker: Why would you agree to that?

Leif Barrett: Well, it all started when we picked up a ringing payphone in a laundromat. This guy wanted to know if we’d want to buy a condo in Vegas.

Kent State: Yeah. Of course, we’re not crazy, we said yes! And so we gave him all our credit card numbers, and that’s how we met our best friend in the world, Jesus..

Leif & Kent: Martinez.

Homemaker: Wait, wait. Jesus Martinez is your friend? I thought he was the guy that swindled you?

Kent State: He is, but he’s a good listener.

Leif Barrett: Every Friday night we meet him at Taco Bell, and wait for him to tell us if they’re going to build the condo or not.

Homemaker: The condo’s not even built yet?

Kent State: No. No, they might not even build it, and they’re definitely not building it in Vegas [ laughing ], we know that much for a fact.

Leif Barrett: Yeah, we know that. In fact, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t do it.

Kent State: You know what? I would do it over again, but instead of buying a condo, I think I’d buy spinal cord medicine.

Homemaker: What’s wrong with your spine?

Kent State: Oh, nothing that a little spinal cord medicine won’t fix.

Leif Barrett: Okay.. I’ll tell you what. You let us stay in your house for a week..

Kent State: Good deal!

Leif Barrett: ..all you have to do is buy 3,000 bibles, Even-Steven.

Homemaker: [ angry, pushing them out the door ] Get out, get out. Come on, that’s enough..

Kent State: Aw, lady, would you kick the Lord out of your house?

Homemaker: Well, you’re not the Lord?

Kent State: Yes, but if I was the Lord, would you pray to me?

Leif Barrett: Hey, Kent, what if I also was the Lord, and then we’d have to have a Lord-Off?

Kent State: [ amused ] Aw, dude! I would destroy you with my Jesus fingers, and then I could have all the burritos I could eat!

Leif Barrett: [ laughing too ] I’d have a super-deep voice and good clothes. And I’d look in showers of women’s dorms with my Lord-vision.

Kent State: Aw, dude, I would use my Lordness to get out of three of the four contracts with Jesus Martinez.

Homemaker: Now, wait, if you’re the Lord, why wouldn’t you get out of all four?

Kent State: Well, you have to see that fourth contract, lady, it’s a doozy.

Homemaker: [ pushing them completely out the door ] Good day, gentlemen, good day.

[ cut to the outside porch area ]

Kent State: I told you we should have worn shirts.

Leif Barrett: You’re right. [ pause ] Come on, let’s go untie that kid.

Kent State: Yeah. Hey, kid..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
March 14th, 1998

Julianne Moore

Backstreet Boys

None

None
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: As President Bill clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the Starr Report, Kenneth Starr (Will Ferrell) interrupts the sketch to issue a subpoena to Darrell Hammond.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Kenneth Starr.

Transcript

Montage

Julianne Moore’s MonologueSummary: Gloria Stewart (Cheri Oteri) re-enacts the “Titanic” finale so she can one-up her fellow Oscar nominee, Julianne Moore.

Delicious DishSummary: Sorghum expert Audrey Kay (Julianne Moore) reveals that her farm compound is a front for an evil cult.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

The Ladies ManRecurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Note: As Don Pardo announcement next week’s rebroadcast, Kenneth Starr (Will Ferrell) can be heard entering the booth and issuing Pardo a subpoena.

Barbara Walters Oscar SpecialSummary: New student Marissa (Ana Gasteyer) is offended by the sarcastic comments of the teacher (Matthew Perry) and her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Burt Reynolds.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnNote: Colin Quinn performs Weekend Update alone, with no guest commentators.

Transcript

Backstreet Boys performs “As Long As You Love Me”

Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Gayle Gleason, Helen Madden.

Transcript

HeinekenSummary: Kenneth Starr (Will Ferrell) interrupts a Heineken commercial to issue subpoenas to the beer drinkers within.

Terence MaddoxRecurring Characters: Terrence Maddox.

Transcript

TV FunhouseConspiracy Theory Rock!

Note: This cartoon was edited out of all reruns of the episode. Conspiracy?

Good Morning With Liza!Recurring Characters: Liza Manelli, Captain Montclaire Vanderhausen III.

The Golords

Shirtless Bible SalesmenSummary: Shirtless salesmen (Will Ferrell, Tim Meadows) have no luck selling a unit to a housewife (Julianne Moore).

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15

97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Gunner Olsen…..Jim Breuer

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: [sighs] Hello! I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you!

Okay. The top story this week is Vernon Jordan’s testimony before the grand jury. He described how Betty Currie asked him to get Monica Lewinsky a job, how he drove Monica to job interviews. Now these are either the nicest people in the world, or somebody’s lying. We have interns here at “Saturday Night Live,” and we don’t drive them anywhere. All right? We send them out for coffee during El Niño. They come to New York all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed thinking, “Heeeeeyyy! What are you doing?”, sitting in at a control panel wearing headphones. “I’m a communications major!” “Yeah, go communicate with the Arab guy at the grocery store, no milk, all right?” “I want to be a writer here on the show! I wanna be a writer!” “Okay, write this down: two double latte mochaccinos.” That’s how interns get treated. Vernon Jordan expects us to believe that he went on a road trip with a 21-year-old girl? This guy’s a hero of the Civil Rights movement! What kind of conversations does he have with Monica Lewinsky for four hours in a car? You’re talking about your days marching in Selma, she’s talking about that boot she saw at Nine West, you know?…But my favorite is the moral high ground that everybody’s on about this. “Oooohh! He fooled around with interns! He fooled around with interns!” Hey! I fooled around with interns! All right? Have you seen some of these interns? Uh, n – yeah, nobody’s gonna be attracted to the 20-year-old NYU girl with the belly ring, the baby teeth, and the tattoo on the small of her back. Yeah….Okay, yeah, go ahead! You know, yeah, that’s bad. You can judge me on that, but my approval rating just shot up 20 points. [applause] Oh, thank you.

Latrell Sprewell, who was suspended by the NBA for choking his coach, won a stunning victory earlier this week when his 17-million-dollar contract was reinstated. Outraged members of the New York Knicks were heard to say, “Hey! We’ve been choking for years, where’s our money?” [some boos] It’s true.

O.J. Simpson is now taking a law school correspondence course. Armed with his new knowledge of the law, he is reportedly furious that he was acquitted. [cheers and applause] Right?

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates testified before the Senate on Tuesday, insisting that Microsoft is not a monopoly. Then he hopped into a giant shoe and drove to his red hotel on Baltic Avenue. [applause]

In Oregon this week, a panel a medical experts released a guidebook to help families deal with the ethical and emotional issues of assisted suicide. This guidebook replaces Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s guidebook entitled, Just Get in the Van.

In Mexico, four armed gunmen held up boxing promoter Don King…and stole his 100,000-dollar Rolex watch. Unharmed, a relieved Don King told reporters, “The watch was meaningless, your life is everything. And besides, it was Mike Tyson’s watch.”

This week, a New Jersey court ruled that homosexuals can be allowed in the Boy Scouts. They are easily identified by the red bandanas in their back left pocket. See…I liked it better when I was a kid. Everybody knew the scoutmaster was gay, but you didn’t talk about it. Huh? The priest was gay, you didn’t talk about it, you know? Your uncle wore an ascot to Thanksgiving dinner, you didn’t talk about it! I swear I’m right.

Lieutenant Colonel Eileen Collins has been chosen as the first woman to command a space shuttle mission. She will be following in the footsteps of Sally Ride, Christa McAuliffe, and trailblazing housewife Alice Kramden, who was sent to the moon by her husband Ralph in the late ’50s. [applause]…[imitating Ralph Kramden] “Why you little…!”…Oops…that’s Homer Simpson.

NBC has decided to renew the sitcom “Caroline in the City” for another season. When reached for comment, atheists everywhere said, “See? I told you so.”

The House passed a bill this week that paved the way for Puerto Rico to become the 51st state….The flag will be displayed on a clothesline outside City Hall. Come on! [strong mixed reaction] Now, that was wrong. Ah, but when I make the Irish jokes, everybody’s fine! All right. That was wrong. That was a…bi – wr– let me just finish. The, uh…that part was…actually, just a joke. But, seriously, the inaugural barbecue will be held on the shoulder of the West Side Highway this Sunday afternoon. [cheers and applause; can’t hold back his laughter]…Come on! Oh!

Okay. You know everybody’s talking about Kofi Annan’s amazing diplomatic skills, how they averted the war with Iraq. But I don’t think there was ever gonna be a war because…what it came down to was a couple of guys that didn’t want to fight: us and Iraq. We’re like two kids in the schoolyard, there’s no one to fight, it’s like, “Hey! Start!” “No, you start!” “Start!” England’s back there, “I’ll hold your coat!” You know….But then we notice that all our buddies that we thought that we had on our side–France, China, Russia–nobody had our back! We totally misjudged the rumor, we thought everybody hated Iraq! But nobody added, “You gotta assess the vibe before you make a move like that,” you know how that happens? You think you’re on the same page with all of your friends? You’re at a bar, a Billy Joel song comes on, you’re like, “Yeah, Billy Joel sucks.” And everybody turns on you, “No, you suck! Billy Joel’s good.” You know, what about “The Stranger”? You’re like, “Oh, I like ‘The Stranger’! I like his old stuff,” you know? The next time, we should have, like, our ambassador ch – check it out first, go to France, and be like, “Hey, what’s up with Iraq, man?” [French accent] “What is wrong with Iraq?” “Nothing! I like Iraq! I like their old stuff, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon was good, you know?”…That’s the only…

A study out this week indicates that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant as those who do not. In a related study, women who drink Long Island Iced Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back of a Camaro with sticky hair. [cheers and applause] Holy Lord! Ah!

Martha Sewart is s– Martha Stewart is suing The National Enquirer for 10 million dollars for saying that she is mentally ill. Stewart denied the accusation, then spent the next 15 hours trying to make the perfect sandwich. [some applause]

The Supreme Court ruled that workers can sue for sexual harassment committed by members of the same sex, as long as it’s not just locker room horseplay. That means that you can say, “How’s it hanging?” But you can’t say, “No seriously, how’s it hanging?” [some cheers and applause]

In an effort to help our younger viewers understand today’s top stories, is heavy metal singer Gunner Olsen.

[Pan over to Gunner, who wears a tight black T-shirt and jeans. Gunner has a microphone; his voice is amplified. His voice is energetic and often changes pitch.]

Gunner Olsen: Yeeeeaaah! [scattered guitar riffs begin playing] Yeah!…Colin! Are you ready for some NEEEEWWWS, COLIN? [some cheers]

Colin: Sure, heavy metal guy.

Gunner: I said, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME NEEEEEWWWS, COLIN-AH? [guitar riffs stop]

Colin: [a little annoyed] I answered you, yes.

Gunner: [starting at Colin’s last line] All right! All right! All right! First one…a little thing from The Washington Post-ah! [bobs head for a few seconds as a heavy metal tune begins playing, then starts singing]

[all lyrics appear one line at a time at the bottom of the screen]

Vernon Jordan proved
that he is not a phony
He refused to cut a deal
in exchange for testimony
Did the independent counsel
go a little too far
Only one person knows
and his name is Kenneth Starr [holds the word “Starr” for several seconds]

[cheers and applause] All right! All right! Yeaaow! Yeaaow! ALL RIGHT, COLIN!…[looks at Colin, Colin starts laughing; tune ends] My man, Colin!

Are you ready, people…for some INTERNATIONAL NEWS, [tune begins] ARE YA? [bobs head again for a few seconds, then resumes singing]

[ends every other line in this section with a high pitch]
The Iraqi Arms Agreement
What’s goin’ on
The White House refused
to meet with Kofi Annan
A senate subcommittee
tried to challenge Bill Gates
But they don’t realize
he controls all our fates [holds the word “fates” for several seconds]

All right! [applause] All right!…All right! You want some more? [cheers] I can’t hear you! [louder cheers] All right! [tune ends] These people are crazy! [some cheers; tries to control his laughter]

People…[can’t hold his laughter again] CUT IT OUT! [guitar riff] CUT IT OUT! [cheers] Let’s take a looooook…at the entertainment news, COLIN! [tune begins; bobs head for a few seconds, and resumes singing]

The film industry
is trying not to panic
They’ve got nothing to compete
with that movie “Titanic” [holds the word “Titanic” for several seconds]
In baseball news
it’s the start of spring training
But there’s hardly any scores
’cause it just won’t stop raining [holds the word “raining” for several seconds]

[“Won’t stop raining!” appears]
No, it won’t stop raining!
Won’t stop raining! [flashing lyrics disappear]
WON’T STOP RAINING! [gets on top of the desk]
WON’T STOP RAINING!
WON’T STOP RAINING!!
WON’T STOP RAINING!!

[stage dives off the desk]

Colin: Jim Breuer, everyone! Jim Breuer! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! [tune ends] Good night!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15


Song appears
on the album:

97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

Natalie Imbruglia performs “Torn”

…..Scott Wolf
…..Natalie Imbruglia

Scott Wolf: Ladies and gentlemen – Natalie Imbruglia!

Natalie Imbruglia:
“I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well, you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine.

I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch.

I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Well, that’s what’s going on, nothing’s right.

I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.
Torn.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15

97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

Larry King Live

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Paula Jones…..Cheri Oteri
Susan McDougal……Ana Gasteyer
John Huang…..Chris Kattan
Jim Guy Tucker…..Jim Breuer
William Ginsburg…..Will Ferrell
Leon Panetta…..Colin Quinn
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Marcia Lewis….Molly Shannon
Charlie Trie…..Jim Breuer
Brent Perry…..
Mria Hsai…..
Donovan Campbell…..
Kathleen Willey…..Tina Fey
Danny Ferguson…..
Bruce Lindsey…..Will Ferrell

Larry King: ..from Washinton for a special interview, here is President Bill Clinton. Welcome, Mr. President.

[ cut to President Bill Clinton, with tag: “Craig T. Nelson, Former Star of “Coach” ]

President Bill Clinton: It’s a pleasure to be here, Larry.

[ cut to two-box shot of Larry King and President Clinton ]

Larry King: Now, Mr. President, you’ve been involved in many, many scandals during your presidency, and yet, you always seem to come away unscathed. Would you call this justice, or clever spin-doctoring?

President Bill Clinton: I would hardly call the brave stance I took in Iraq “spin-doctoring”, Larry.

Larry King: [ a beat ] Ah, you got me there. Damn, you’re good.

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah – I’m the best! [ laughs out loud, stops to bite his lip and give a thumbs-up ] Thanks for noticing, Lar.

Larry King: Well, you’re welcome, Billy. Now, tonight, you have agreed to attempt to put your many scandals behind you, to face your accusers in an open forum.

President Bill Clinton: Yes, that is correct. I want to end all these pointless allegations once and for all, and get on with the business of running this country.

Larry King: Fair enough. With that in mind, joining us live from her Watergate apartment – Ms. Monica Lewinsky.

[ cut to Monica Lewinsky, with tag: “Monica Lewinsky” ]

Monica Lewinsky: Hi, Larry! [ giggles ] That was so funny, that time when you made out with that old guy!

Larry King: Marlon Brando, a fine actor.

Monica Lewinsky: Yeah! Marlon Brando. So, am I doing good so far, Bill?

[ cut to two-box shot of Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton ]

President Bill Clinton: You’re doing great, baby!

Monica Lewinsky: Hey, thanks a lot for not inviting me to that Time Magazine party. I mean, it’s not like I want to meet Tom Cruise, or anything.

President Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, sugar – you know I was with the big three-fifth.

Monica Lewinsky: You mean, Thunder Thighs? Hey, you must have had a blast.

[ Clinton chuckles out loud, loving every moment of this conversation ]

Larry King: At any rate – also joining us from Little Rock, Arkansas – Miss Paula Jones.

[ cut to Paula Jones, with tag: “Paula Jones” ]

Paula Jones: Hello, Larry. Hello, Monica. [ a beat, then waves ] Hello, Lefty

Larry King: Also, joining us, from the federal penitentiary in Forth Worth, Texas, where she’s serving time for refusing to testify against Bill Clinton – is Susan McDougal.

[ cut to Susan McDougal in prison wearing orange prison jumpsuit, with tag: “Susan McDougal” ]

Susan McDougal: Hi, Larry. And, Bill? [ raises handcuffed hands ] You’re welcome [ bleep ]!

Larry King: And also live, from Washington, D.C., one of the main culprits in the campaign financing scandal – John Huang.

[ cut to Chinaman John Huang, with tag: “John Huang” ]

John Huang: Hello, Larry.

President Bill Clinton: Finally, we can put all this nonsense to rest, Larry. I believe —

Larry King: Hang on, Mr. President! Also joining us, from Arkansas – Jim Guy Tucker —

[ cut to Jim Guy Tucker standing behind prison bars, with tag: “Jim Guy Tucker” ]

Larry King: — the former governor of Arkansas, who is in prison for his involvement in Whitewater.

[ cut to William Ginsburg sitting behind desk, with tag: “William Ginsburg” ]

Larry King: Here is – William Ginsburg, joining us. The attorney representing Ms. Lewinsky.

[ cut to Leon Panetta, with tag: “Leon Panetta” ]

Larry King: Leon Panetta, an insider in the Travelgate scandal, is with us.

[ cut to Vernon Jordan, with tag: “Vernon Jordan” ]

Larry King: Also – Vernon Jordan. An advisor to the President, who is laso embroiled in the Lewinsky case. Welcome, everyone.

[ cut to fourplex shot of all four men from their respective locations ]

All: It’s great to be here, Larry!!

[ cut to Clinton ]

President Bill Clinton: [ makes a face ] Larry, I am so glad to have this opportunity to discuss —

Larry King: Also joining us —

[ cut to Marcia Lewis, with tag: “Marcia Lewis” ]

Larry King: — is Marcia Lewis, the mother of Monica Lewisnky.

[ cut to Charlie Trie, with tag: “Charlie Trie” ]

Larry King: And, Charlie Trie is with us, who is also accused in the illegal fundraising scandal.

[ cut to Brent Perry, with tag: “Brent Perry” ]

Larry King: In addition, joining us from Washington, as always – Brent Perry, the attorney for Paula Jones’ defense fund.

[ cut to Maria Hsai, with tag: “Maria Hsai” ]

Larry King: And – Maria Hsai, a Democratic fundraiser accused of taking illegal contributions.

[ cut to Donovan Campbell, with tag: “Donovan Campbell” ]

Larry King: Donovan Campbell, the attorney for Paula Jones.

[ cut to Kathleen Willie, with tag: “Kathleen Willie” ]

Larry King: Katherine Willie is with us. She has testified that the President fondled her.

[ cut to trooper Danny Ferguson, with tag: “Danny Ferguson” ]

Larry King: Danny Ferguson, the state trooper who is co-dependent in the Paula Jones suit.

[ cut to Bruce Lindsey, with tag: “Bruce Lindsey” ]

Larry King: And, finally – Bruce Lindsey, a good friend and advisor to the President, joins us from his home in Maryland.

[ cut back to Larry King ]

Larry King: Everyone, thank you for joining us.

[ cut to multiplex shot of all sixteen guests from their respective locations ]

All: It’s good to be here, Larry!!

[ cut to two-box shot of President Clinton in one square, and his sixteen accusers boxed multiplex-style in the other square. Clinton is at first stunned and surprised, but then smiles. ]

President Bill Clinton: All this talk about scandals is nonsense.

Larry King: Alright now, Mr. President. Let’s give our guests a chance to tell their stories. In your own words, people – what exactly happened?

[ cut to the multiplex shot, as all sixteen accusers begin talking at once, unintelligible at best ]

Larry King: Well, they make a good point, Mr. President. Any response to these allegations?

President Bill Clinton: [ smugly ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni –“

Larry King: [ interrupting ] Alright, alright, Mr. President! That’s gotten you out of many jams before. But, please, just answer the question!

President Bill Clinton: Uh.. I have to check with Betty Currie. She.. really keeps track of my schedule..

Larry King: Okay, that was lame! Scandal participants, how do you respond to this statement?

[ cut to the multiplex shot of all sixteen accusers ]

All: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15

97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

Goodnights

…..Scott Wolf

Scott Wolf: I’d like to say a huge “Thank You!” to a wonderful Natalie Imbruglia! Lorne Michaels, and an amazing cast and crew for a great week! Thank you very much!

[ Ana Gasteyer leans in to hug Scott Wolf; Molly Shannon gets a hug in, too ]

[ Jim Breuer kisses Natalie Imbruglia on the cheek, then proceeds to goof in a spastic manner for her amusement ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15

97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

The Lost Deep Thoughts

[Mellow music, piano and synth. Bushes sway in the day breeze.]

Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.

Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text]
For me, the worst thing
about having King Kong
walk down your street
is that kids could look up
and see the giant genitalia.

[Fade out]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15

97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

Breath Spray Plus

Woman…..Ana Gasteyer
Mugger…..Will Ferrell
Carjacker…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on women hurrying about the city ]

Female Announcer: You’re a woman on the go.

[ show woman spill the contents of her purse on the sidwalk ]

Female Announcer: And you don’t have time for all that clutter in your purse.

[ Woman holds up product to camera ]

Female Announcer: So get Breath Spray Plus. [ she slides the numerous contents to the floor, using product as a sweeper ] And get rid of the clutter.

[ cut to Woman at a one-on-one business meeting at a round table ]

Female Announcer: Breath Spray Plus is all you’ll need when you step out the door. Because Breath Spray Plus combines two functions in one – it’s a refreshing minty breath spray. [ she leans under table to spray her breath, then smiles at the camera ]

[ cut to a Mugger grabbing for her i the night, as she quickly sprays mace in his eyes ]

Female Announcer: Plus, a powerful chemical spray, used to ward off attackers.

[ show switch on side of product ]

Female Announcer: The key is the dual-action switch. It’s simple. When the switch is on Aqua, you’re ready to fight bad breath. [ she sprays her breath ] And when it’s on Sea Green, you’re ready to spray an assailants eyes with a burning chemical that will cause him to vomit and convulse. [ she sprays a Carjacker’s eyes, and he stumbles back onto the street in pain ]

[ close-up of product reveals fingers moving the switch back and forth ]

Female Announcer: You just have to remember that each time you use Breath Spray plus, the setting reverses because of the complicated spring mechanism. And also keep in mind that the setting may reverse from Aqua to Sea Green, or Sea Green to Aqua after going through X-ray machines or store security monitors. Plus, the setting may be affected by temperature changes, loud noises, microwave ovens and lunar cycles.

[ show hands fidgeting with a switch conversion chart and calculator ]

Female Announcer: With the handy Breath Spray Plus switch conversion chart, you can be certain all tabulations are easily calibrated, with only a five-percent margin of error.

[ Woman sprays her breath, smiles for the camera, then drives off in a red convertible ]

Female Announcer: Breath Spray Plus. It’s a simple solution for a complicated world.

[ cut to eye drops product ]

Male Announcer: Also available: Eye Drops Plus. Flushes out irritated eyes and emits a thousand-volt shock to stun attackers!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 7th, 1998

Scott Wolf

Natalie Imbruglia

None
Larry King liveSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) defends his scandal accusations on “Larry King (Norm MacDonald) Live”, a difficult task considering he has sixteen accusers to face via satellite, and they’re all talking at once!

Recurring Characters: Larry King, President Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky.

Transcript

Montage

Scott Wolf’s MonologueSummary: New Jersey audience members (Jim Breuer, Darrell Hammond, Cheri Oteri) pester Scott Wolf with the local slang during his monologue.

Bio: Scott Wolf (1968-) got his role on “Party of Five” after Jerry O’Connell pulled out to star in “Sliders.”

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) applies for a waitress position at TGIFriday’s.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

The Celine Dion ShowSummary: Self-proclaimed best singer in the world, Celine Dion (Ana Gasteyer) hosts her own talk show as a front to act superior in front of other female musical performers.

Recurring Characters: Celine Dion, Mariah Carey.

Party of FiveSummary: In a preview of next week’s “Party of Five”, the Salinger clan is thrown for a loop by the presence of a black man (Tracy Morgan) who thinks he’s part of the family.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Heavy metal singer Gunner Olsen (Jim Breuer) uses heavy metal lyrics to help younger viewers understand events in the news.

Recurring Characters: Gunner Olsen.

Transcript

Natalie Imbruglia performs “Torn”Bio: Australian-born Natalie Imbruglia (1975-) starred in the Aussie soap opera “Neighbours” before moving London and pursuing a singing career.

Lyrics

The 3rd Annual Reenactment AwardsSummary: Robert Stack (Darrell Hammond) hosts an awards show for actors who perform re-enactments in made-for-TV movies.

The Spartan CheerleadersSummary: After watching “Titanic” 80 times, Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) are so obsessed that they don’t even pay attention to Scott Wolf.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

IssuesSummary: Pot-obsessed Jeff (Jim Breuer) and his nervous, straight-laced cousin Randy (Scott Wolf) talk issues with library official (Ana Gasteyer).

Recurring Characters: Jeff.

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: The worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street.

Transcript

TroubadoursSummary: From opposite sides of the campus courtyard, two guitar-playing troubadours (Scott Wolf, Chris Kattan) woo co-eds (Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer) with covers of old 70’s tunes.

Breath Spray PlusSummary: Works as a breath spray and mace, with the flick of a switch.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts