SNL Tonight

Goth Talk

Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Glen…..Jim Breuer
Countess Cabuella…..Sarah Michelle Gellar

Circe Nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk, I’m Circy Nightshade!

Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azriel Abyss, the Prince of Sorrow.

Circe Nightshade: Prepare yourself children of the night, tonight we are going to take you spiraling DOWN DOWN DOWN into the ecstasy of the unearthly!

Azrael Abyss: The ecstasy of the unearthly! Weeeeee!

Circe Nightshade: But we have to be quiet because Azriel’s brother Glenn came home wasted from a beach party, and he’s hiding out behind the couch until The Prince of Sorrow’s parents go to sleep.

Glen: [ singing ] She’s got legs! And she knows how to use them…

Azrael Abyss: Glenn, you’re ruining our dark spell!

Glen: Shhh-za Yo! I was doin’ it that loud?? I’m sorry, listen, listen. I’ll be hiding under here, okay? Be cool.

Azrael Abyss: Agghhhh! Anyway…

Circe Nightshade: Let’s begin our decent into madness with a Goth Talk concert review! Azriel.

Azrael Abyss: Last Saturday, I saw a new Goth band called “The Grim Reaper” And theirs is a morbid elegy to the horrible squallow of life… I think. Actually I missed most of the show when I accidentally dropped my retainer. I spent most of the time looking for it on the floor.

Circe Nightshade: So, if you were at the show Saturday, and have found a most demonic retainer, please return it to the address below. *Address Flashes*

Azrael Abyss: I had it wrapped in a napkin, if I don’t find it my dad’s going to kill me! Rrrraarrr! Our guest tonight is the goddess of the Goth seen in nearby Orlando. She hosts her own show, a cable access show, it’s called, “Black Magic Kingdom.”

Circe Nightshade: She’s a dark destroyer of men and empires… and we used to go to tennis camp together.

Azrael Abyss: But her family moved away last summer. Rrrrrraaryyeee! Please welcome-

Circe and Azrael: Countess Cabuella!

Azrael Abyss: Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in… Come on in…

Circe Nightshade: It’s a dark, dark delight to see you again Cabuella! There’s been a void in my soul ever since your dad got transferred to that marketing job in the Hardrock Cafe.

Countess Cabuella: Yes, Circy, parting is such a fiendish little slice of death! But Countess Cabuella was actually pretty phyched to get out of Tampa. Orlando is much more sinister.

Circe Nightshade: Well, Tampa’s pretty sinister too! It’s at least as sinister as Clearwater, or Tarpon Springs!

Azrael Abyss: Ooooohhhh! Yes! It’s very sinister! They just opened a water-slide park downtown, a very macabre water-slide park!

Countess Cabuella: Don’t make me laugh! Ha. Orlando is much more sinister. Tampa’s Goth scene is lame. It’s pretty much just you two and that weird guy Azriel works with a Cinnabuns!

Azrael Abyss: Gordy’s a creature of the night!

Countess Cabuella: No, Gordy is a 32-year-old Eagle Scout that rides a Huffy!

Azrael Abyss: Eeeeeeeyaaaaa!

Circe Nightshade: Well, Cabuella, we can’t all live in Orlando and do dark things like work part-time at the Epcot Center!

Countess Cabuella: I only do that to pay for the clothes, Stephanie!

Azrael Abyss: Ooooo-Eeeee-Ooooo-Yeeeeaaa.

Circe Nightshade: My name is not Stephanie! It’s Circy Nightshade, Denise! And anyway you can shove Orlando! I’m a hundred times more Goth than you are and I always have been!

Countess Cabuella: Yeah, you were real Goth when you modeled pajamas for Pic-and-Save.

Circe Nightshade: Oh, yeah, well you sure were the Dark Mistress of the Night when you… lip-synched to Ace of Base in our 8th grade talent show!

Azrael Abyss: So, Countess Cabuella, you’ve brought a clip of your show with you. Does it need a setup?

Countess Cabuella: Sure, this is a clip of my show: “Black Magic Kingdom,” a show about real Goth. Something Circe wouldn’t know anything about.

Circe Nightshade: Well, let’s see then.. [ inserts tape ] Behold: The voluptuous horror of Cabuella.

[ tape shows Countess Cabuella singing Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” ]

Circe Nightshade: Uhhhh, huh! Yeah, you were really Goth, Cabuella!

Countess Cabuella: You #*$%&!! Where’d you get that?

Circe Nightshade: You’re the #*$%&!!

Countess Cabuella: You’re a #*$%&!!

Circe Nightshade: You’re a #*$%&!!

Azrael Abyss: All right, the evening has come to a close-

Glen: Oh man! My car! I left my car…

Azrael Abyss: Until next time…Stay out of the daylight!

SNL Transcripts

Family Dinner Argument

Dad…..Will Ferrell
Daughter…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Mom…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on suburban family sitting at the dinner table ]

[ family makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]

Dad: [ breaking silence ] How was school today, dear?

Daughter: Fine.

Mom: Did you have band practice today, or was Mr. Larson still sick?

Daughter: No, he’s still sick.

[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]

Dad: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen today at work. When I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.

Mom: Did somebody take your keys?

Dad: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Jeff Peabody’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.

Mom: Mmm, I thought that’s who took them..

Dad: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!

Mom: I-I just assumed that Jeff Peabody –

Dad: I would love to finish one damn story!

Daughter: Your stories are lame, Dad!

Dad: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!

Mom: Do not raise your voice!

Shut up!!

Dad: You do not talk to me like that!

Daughter: I cannot believe –

Dad: I am a Division Manager!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don’t talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

Daughter: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat terd!

[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward, confned silence ]

Mom: I spoke with Paula’s mother this afternoon.

Daughter: So?

Mom: I guess Paula’s really excited about the sleepover tomorrow night.

Daughter: Oh, shut up, you drunken witch!

[ they return to silence ]

Dad: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Mom: Hmm, it’s not ready until Thursday.

Dad: I thought you said it’d be ready today?

Mom: No, it’s going to be ready Thursday.

Dad: You know, I have that big meeting tomorrow.

Mom: Well, I’m sorry.

Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!

Mom: I didn’t lie, Ted.

Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!

Mom: I wish you wouldn’t call me a liar!

Dad: Don’t raise your voice at me!

Mom: I am not raising my voice!

Dad: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]

Mom: Honey, do you want to go to Pottery class with me this weekend?

Daughter: I wish you were dead!

[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]

Dad: I’m gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.

Daughter: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?

Dad: You don’t talk about my car that way!!

Mom: Dear Lord..

Dad: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don’t talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!

Daughter: Shut up!

Dad: You do not talk to your father that way!! I am a Division Manager!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

Daughter: I’m going to Rob’s house! I hate you – both!

[ Daughter storms out of the house ]

[ Dad grabs daughter’s plate, and seperates her food between him and Mom ]

Dad: This chicken is delicious.

Mom: It’s a recipe from Lipton Cup-a-Soup.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

George Costanza…..Darrell Hammond
Jerry Seinfeld…..Will Ferrell
Cosmo Kramer…..Jim Breuer
Buffy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar

[Open on Seinfeld logo]

Announcer: “Seinfeld” is going off the air. [The logo disappears as a TV turning off. A question mark comes into view] Wondering what to watch on Thursday Nights? [The WB logo comes into view] This fall, it’s The WB that’s must see! [The WB logo becomes a watermark on the bottom right of the screen, revealing the Buffy logo] You’ll forget all about “Seinfeld”, because “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is moving to Thursday Nights at 9 PM! And it’s got a whole new look! [Fade to shots of New York at night] Buffy’s in New York City now, and she’s facing a whole new vampire threat!

[Fade to Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment. The familiar bass lick plays. George is sitting on the couch. Jerry emerges from the kitchen.]

George: Jerry, how was your date with Cindy the other night?

Jerry: It was great, except for one thing…

George: What?

Jerry: One of her fangs is longer than the other one!

George: She has a freak fang?

Jerry: She has a freak fang!

George: Oh!

Jerry: She has an asymetrical fang situation!

George: Yeah?

Jerry: I was watching her eat, and it almost made me sick!

[Fade to shots of vampires in the city at night]

Announcer: Hell spawned creatures of evil, feasting on innocent human souls!

[Fade back to the apartment]

Jerry: Anyway, I got a date. I’ll…I gotta jump in the shower.

George: Hey, you know what you should try? Before you take a shower, turn into a bat. Shower as a bat.

Jerry: Why would I shower as a bat?

George: So you can save water! You’re a bat, you’re smaller, you save water in the shower, it’s genius!

Jerry: Who showers as a bat? How do you lather, rinse, repeat, when you’re a bat?

[Kramer enters the apartment and is greeted with audience applause]

Kramer: Hey, Jerry! I, uh…need to borrow your tape measure!

[Kramer goes into the kitchen, moving around spastically. He inadvertently knocks all the cereal off the shelf]

Jerry: What do you need a tape measure for?

Kramer: Listen to this, Jerry! I’m, uh…turning my whole apartment into one big coffin! That way I can sleep anywhere I want!

[Fade to shots of the city]

Announcer: When you’re a vampire slayer on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, terror lurks around every corner!

[Fade back to the apartment. The intercom buzzer rings. Jerry pushes the button]

Jerry: Who is it?

Buffy (V/O): It’s Buffy!

Jerry: Come on up!

[Jerry unlocks the door. Buffy enters, dressed–and whining–exactly like Elaine Benes. She shoves Jerry a few times.]

Buffy: Ugh! I had the worst day today! Hellooooo!

Jerry: What happened? Did you only slay five of my friends?

Buffy: [sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha, ha, no! Ugh, there’s this new vampire temp at work, and he is so annoying! [Buffy takes a water bottle out of the fridge] He makes this slurping noise when he sucks blood…all day long, it’s [slurp, slurp]

George: Wait, you’re working with a blood slurper?

Jerry: Maybe Blood Slurper should go out with Freak Fang. They’d make a perfect pair!

[Buffy shrugs her shoulders. Fade to a Seinfeld-style Buffy logo, as a bass lick plays again.]

Announcer: Thursdays at 9, catch the all-new “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”! It’s a show about nothing! And vampires!

Submitted by: doggans

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 17th, 1998

Sarah Michelle Geller

Portishead

None

Portishead, “Only You”

Unabomber Defense Plan

Ted Kaczynski (Will Ferrell) forgoes legal help to defend himself in court.

Recurring Characters: Ted Kaczynski.

Sarah Michelle Geller’s Monologue

Spice Girls on Smallpox

The View

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Starr Jones, Debbie Matanopolous.

Dr. John Gray

Dr. John Gray (Norm MacDonald) exhibits role confusion in Mars/Venus commercial.

Spice Girls on Rheumatoid Arthritis

Family Dinner

Family dinner erupts into dysfunctional brawl.

Eye On Nagano

Tara Lipinsky (Geller) demonstrates her new bad-girl image.

Go-Lords

Goth Talk

Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Portishead performs “Only You”

The Robin Byrd Show

Recurring Characters: Robin Byrd.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Seinfeld” is re-introduced with a new “Buffy” format.

Teen Talk

The Lost Deep Thoughts

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 10

97j: Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Harry Carey…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn’t there? You ask, “Where’s Jeff?” “Jeff no longer works here, I’m Steve.” And you’re thinking, “Hey, who’s this idiot? I like Jeff.” But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn’t mix your drink the same way you’re used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don’t want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn’t….Well…I’m Steve. What can I get you? [cheers and applause]…Thank ah!…All right….Thank you.

On Thursday, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski tried to hang himself with his underpants, but the elastic broke. Kaczynski immediately sent a letter bomb to inspector number 12.

Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn were married in Venice on December 23rd. The couple wrote their own vows. Woody told Soon-Yi, “The heart wants what it wants,” while Soon-Yi promised, “Me love you long time.” [some applause]…There’s my Woody Allen movie. Uh…I needed two minutes, most of Woody Allen mov–

Bob Dylan and his son Jakob Dylan are both nominated for Grammys this year. Can you imagine growing up being Jakob Dylan? You’re out in the garage practicing with your band, your friends, you know? Your father comes out, “Hey, turn that noise down!” You’re like, “Dad, come on, you just don’t understand my music.” He’s like, “No, I do understand your music. I’m Bob Dylan. You stink. I said turn it down.”

In the February issue of Esquire magazine, O.J. Simpson said that, “If I had killed Nicole, it would have been because I loved her very much.”…And then he said, “And if I had killed Ron Goldman, it would have been because he accidentally witnessed me loving Nicole very much.”…Somebody should buy this guy a John Gray book, all right?

Kathie Lee Gifford defended the late Michael Kennedy this week, saying that the babysitter he slept with was actually 16, not 14. But you have to look at this from Kathie Lee’s perspective. She runs a sweatshop full of underaged labor, all right? At 16, you get your gold watch. To her, that’s old….You know? [applause and a few cheers] All right! Thank you. Thank alle!

Two Russian cosmonauts ventured into space for more than three hours to repair a broken lock on the Mir space station. Is that what it’s come to, folks? You need to lock your doors in outer space? All right?

Last week, President Clinton proposed sweeping changes to Medicare. He wants to lower the age of eligibility to 55 for people who have lost their jobs. The President, who will be 55 when his term ends, said, “It just seemed like the smart thing to do.”

Chicago scientist Richard Seed is ready to start cloning. The physicist plans to clone a human baby by the year 2000. Now, a lot of groups who want to ban cloning research altogether. Why? We’re almost clones now. These scientists are just finishing up what the Gap started. Trust me, we don’t want cloning. We don’t really – want to really know who we are. And more importantly, we don’t want to know what we really look like. We can’t handle it. If you saw your clone…walking down the street in a pair of white shorts from behind, you’d kill yourself….You know? You’d be like, “Who’s that fat pig?” “That’s your clone.” “Ohhh, that’s me?” You know? Hey, cloning is fine if you’re Einstein. But if you spend every Saturday night sitting on your front porch in a children’s wading pool reading a…biography of Lenny Dykstra while the neighborhood kids shoot paintballs at you…now, we don’t need another you. One of you is plenty, all right?

As we all know, Jerry Seinfeld is leaving his top-rated show, citing his desire to return to New York and do stand-up. In a related story, Tony Danza announced that he would be leaving his show, citing the fact that it was cancelled and all the furniture was taken out of his office. [some applause]

And now with a look back at 1997 is our good friend, Hall-of-Fame broadcaster Harry Caray.

[pan over to Harry]

Harry Caray: Hey everybody, Harry Caray here! Well, as you know, 1997 was quite a year! A lot of things happened: some good, some bad. Mother Teresa died. That wasn’t good. Unless you hated Mother Teresa. I, myself, was not a fan of hers, don’t ask why! We were like oil and water; we didn’t mix. In the world of sports, Mike Tyson bit a man’s ear off. I don’t know what all the hoopla was about. I’ve actually bit a man’s ear off on several occasions! And I’m not proud of it, but it helped me out of many a jam! In Scotland, they cloned a sheep, which a lot of people thought was fun….Hey, what if…hey!…Hey! If I was a scientist, you know what I would clone? Hot dogs!

Colin: [not surprised] Really?

Harry: Think of all the possibilities, Norm! [Colin starts laughing to himself] Imagine, a world with…[doesn’t realize that Colin is now the anchor] Hey, what’s going on? [some applause]…Imagine…hold on! Imagine a world, uh…of – with an endless supply of hot dogs! You could have a hot dog anytime you wanted!

Colin: Well, Harry, you can do that pretty much now.

Harry: They’d be so abundant, they’d become our currency! 20 hot dogs would equal roughly a nickel. Depending on the strength of the yen, I’m not quite sure, but…you know what, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just keep praying that we can clone one of these hot dogs.

Colin: [sighs] All right, Harry. What else happened in ’97?

Harry: Hey, Norm! Did you gain weight?

Colin: Actually, Harry, I’m Colin.

Harry: Hey! If you were a hot dog…and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Colin: What?

Harry: I know I would! First, I’d smother myself with brown mustard and relish. I’d be so delicious!…So would you?

Colin: I don’t know.

Harry: Don’t jerk me around, Norm! It’s a simple question! A baby could answer it! If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself? [some applause and cheers]

Colin: [complying] I guess so.

Harry: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend! If you had said no, I would have bitten your ear off! I would have come at you like a tornado made of arms and teeth. And – and fingernails.

Colin: So anything else happen in 1997?

Harry: No, I covered everything!

Colin: Harry Caray, everybody!

Harry: Cubs win! Cubs win!

Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, and that’s the story I’m going with. Thank you!

[Harry claps, then Colin and Harry shake hands]

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

Samuel L. Jackson’s Monologue

…..Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson: It is great to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”! In case you confused, no, I am not Laurence Fishburne, and I’m Morgan Freeman. I am Samuel L. Jackson, and I’m here to host the very first “SNL” of 1998! And since this is the very first show of the year, I thought instead of doing the usual monologue, I would just read you a list of my New Year’s resolutions! [ takes out card ] Now, I know you might find it shocking that someone as cool and together as myself has New Year’s rsolutions.. but.. believe it or not, there are things that even Samuel L. Jackson can improve upon. Forthwith – if I could have a little music, please..

At the top of my list: “Continue to kick ass”

And then I hope to “Be as bad as I know I can be”

Also, to “Really put it out there, and by it I mean Sammy’s mojo”

In addition, I plan to “Give it as good as I get it”

“Be all that and more”

and “Lose my shyness, vis a vis the rocket in my pocket”

Plus, I plan to “Work my voodoo on the lady fans”

“Take a thorn out of some cat’s paw.”

and “Build a shrine to my own bad ass”

Then, it’s time to “Give the demons what for”

“Spare the rod and spoil the face”

and “Continue to kick ass”

After which, I’ll “Show the bad men what it’s all about”

“Release a dove from a ghetto rooftop”

and “Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church”

Finally, this year, I will “Stick it to all the suckas”

and I’m gonna “Show the man that I mean business”

..and I’m gonna “Take a computer class.”

We have a great show for you tonight! Ben Folds Five is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 10

97j: Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five

Mango

Gang Member #1…..Tracy Morgan
Gang Member #2…..Tim Meadows
Gangleader…..Samuel L. Jackson
Mango…..Chris Kattan
Punk…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on interior, Beefcakes, where two Gang Members sit at a table with their Gangleader ]

Gang Member #1: Hey, boss, it’s really nice of you to take us out tonight.

Gangleader: Well, you boys did such fine work turning over them stolen cars, I thought, why not celebrate by coming out here to this strip club.

Gang Member #2: It’s all good!

Announcer: And now! Put your hands together for the mystery known as Mango!

[ Mango steps out from behind the curtain on stage, and begins his seductive dance ]

Gang Member #1: It’s a dude!

Gang Member #2: Hey, I told you Beefcakes was the wrong place!

Gangleader: Hey, let’s get the hell out of here!

Announcer: Give it up for Mango!

[ as the Gang Members jump outo f their seats, Mango stands before theGangleader and teases him with his dance, as Everybody But The Girl’s “Missing” begins to play ]
Gangleader: Mango. Mango!

Gang Member #2: [ grabbing him ] Come on, man, let’s go!

[ dissolve to a scene in a back alley, where the Gangleader and his boys are beating on a Punk ]

Gangleader: Now, you tell your boss if he ever tries to rip me off again, I’ll give him what I’m about to give you. You got that? Huh? Huh?

[ Gangleader starts to repeatedly punch the Punk, until Mango appears as a vision in his mind, and dances seductively – the Gangleader ceases punching the Punk ]

Punk: What did you quit hitting me for?

Gangleader: [ snapping out of his daydream ] Who said I quit hitting you? Shut up! Shut up!

[ dissolve interior, Gangleader’s living room, where he’s paying off his demanding Gang Members ]

Gangleader: Slow down! Slow down! You’re all going to get your money. [ begins handing out money ] Now, T.J. here’s your share from the stripped Cady’s I did. Jessie, $800 for the work..

[ Suddenly, the vision of Mango appears again in the Gangleader’s mind,causing him to look away from handing out the money ]

Gang Member #3: Hey, man. You alright?

Gang Member #4: Man, what’s going on, man?

Gangleader: [ snapping out of his daydream ] I gotta go!

[ Gangleader throws the rest of the money in the air and rushes out of the door, as the Gang Members fight over the money flying around the air ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mango’s dressing room, as he tries to squeeze into the room and escape his Fans’ grips ]

Fans: Mango! Mango!

Mango: Go away! Mango wants to be alone! [ closes the door on all his fans ] Oh, why must I be Mango? Why can’t I be someone else. Someone normal. Like say.. John Ritter? But, no. I have to be Mango.

[ the Gangleader stands outside Mango’s dressing room, calling for him ]
Gangleader: Mango!

Mango: No! Go away! No more Mango for you!

Gangleader: Mango! [ turns to the Fans ] Back off! [ he fights his way through the Fans and enters Mango’s dressing room, slamming the door behind him ]
Mango: What is it? Who are you?

Gangleader: My name is Lucius Monroe. But they call me Hard Core. I deal in stolen cars and drugs. But, now you are the only drug I’m addicted to. [ holds out a gift for Mango ]

Mango: [ knocks the gift to the floor ] If you start out using Mango, it will only lead to more Mango. And then, pretty soon, you’ll need more and more and more and more of the Mango, until there is no more Mango left. Not even for Mango!

Gangleader: [ pulls out a gun and points it at Mango ] If I can’t have you, I’m prepared to take you!

Mango: Can you take the color blue out of the sky? Can you grab the mountains and put them in a pocket? Can you sit down at a table with a knife and fork and try to eat a rainbow? No! And such is Mango!
Gangleader: [ misty-eyed ] I see now. I was stupid to think I could have you.

Mango: Yes, that’s right. [ reaches for the Gangleader ]

Gangleader: Mango! Please!

Mango: No! Get out! I hate you!

[ Gangleader turns away, as Mango reaches again ]

Gangleader: But, it’s just..

Mango: No! You can’t have-a the Mango!

[ Mango spanks himself and reaches for the Gangleader, who stops one last time ]

Gangleader: Goodbye, Mango! [ steps out of the dressing room and yells at the Fans ] Back off! Back off!

Mango: Goodbye, Lucius Monroe.

[ Mango’s Fans rush in and surround him as he struggles to be left alone ]

Mango’s fans then rush in and smother him with affection.[ cut to the Gangleader sitting in his satin-sheeted bed fondling Mango’s glove and weeping ]

Gangleader: MANGO-O-O-O!!

[ Music out: “Missing”, as scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 10

97j: Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five

Judge Judy

Judge Judy…..Cheri Oteri
Byrd the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Ordell Roby…..Samuel L. Jackson
Brenda Shank…..Ana Gasteyer

Byrd the Bailiff: Your Honor, this is Case #140: Roby vs. Shank. The parties have been sworn in.

Judge Judy: how was your weekend, Byrd?

Byrd the Bailiff: It was good. I seen “Amistad”.

Judge Judy: See “Mouse Hunt”, it’ll change your life.

Ordell Roby: [ piping in ] I saw “Mouse Hunt”, your Honor, it changed MY life, too..

Judge Judy: [ peeved ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Sir! Is your name “Byrd”, Sir?

Ordell Roby: No, your Honor..

Judge Judy: Then shut your stinking trap, Sir! ‘Cause I’m Judge Judy, and I’m tough!

Byrd the Bailiff: [ mimicking ] She’s tough!

Judge Judy: But I’m fair.

Byrd the Bailiff: She’s talkin’ ’bout fair!

Judge Judy: Now, Mr. Roby, Sir, what is it exactly that you do for a living? What is your occupation?

Ordell Roby: Well, my primary occupation concerns the wholesalin’ of bullet proportion devices. But recently, I started moonlightin’ as a physical fitness trainer – or, in layman’s terms, your Honor, a Personal Trainer.

Judge Judy: Yeah, thanks for the clarification, Jack LaLanne.. Okay, now what seems to be the problem here?

Ordell Roby: Well, your Honor, my client has done refused to render payment for services rendered that I rendered to her in the week of December.

Brenda Shank: Your Honor, I hired Ordell to help me get back into shape, and he failed!

Judge Judy: Buh-buh-buh! I’ll tell you when it’s your turn to talk, you fat sack of fat! Continue, Ordell.

Ordell Roby: Your Honor, Miss Shank done succumbed to the pressure to become what the media dictates as the Ideal Woman – e.1., such as your supermodels and what not. You seem there’s only so much I can do with a white woman’s ass!

[ Byrd laughs ]

Judge Judy: You think that’s funny, Byrd?

Byrd the Bailiff: Uh.. no, Judge.

Judge Judy: There you go. Continue, Miss Shank.

Brenda Shank: Your Honor, he had me doing leg lifts while balancing an ashtray on my butt!

Ordell Roby: [ excited ] That exercise works the lower lumbar area, your Honor! And the ashtray merely provides resistance. It also allows me to enjoy me a filterless Camel, you know, while the interim’s going on.

Judge Judy: I’ll tell you what resistance is, Sir! Resistance is what’s keeping me from jumping over this bench and ripping that rat’s tail off of your chin! [ to Miss Shank ] Go on, Chunky Nut.

Brenda Shank: I also feel it is very inappropriate for a trainer to bring friends over during a workout!

Ordell Roby: [ alarmed ] Uh, they was professional spotters, Ma’am!

Brenda Shank: All they did was drink, run up my phone bill, and break my tea set!

Ordell Roby: Your Honor, that is a falsity!

Judge Judy: A what?

Ordell Roby: A falsity, Judge!

Judge Judy: Uh.. I see. You mean, as in.. untruthitude?

Ordell Roby: That’s it!

Judge Judy: Okay. Now I understandify. [ pause ] Byrd, I made a joke.

Byrd the Bailiff: [ laughs ] Judge made a joke!

[ Ordell Roby laughs with Byrd ]

Judge Judy: Thanks for the bone, fellas. So, Miss Shank, you felt you were in jeopardy, correct?

Brenda Shank: Yes. And I drew the line when my cardio workout meant dragging bags of money through airport security at 11:30 at night..

Ordell Roby: Uh, that’s really good for the gloots, your Honor!

Judge Judy: Ordell! Ordell, don’t pee on my shoe and tell me it’s raining, Sir!

Ordell Roby: I’m not peeing! I’m not..!

Judge Judy: Hey, buh-buh-buh! One minute, Ponytail! It sounds to me like you’ve got other activities going on besides personal training. Is that correct, Sir?

Ordell Roby: No, that’s an untruthitude, your Honor..

Judge Judy: No! Is that correct, Mr. Roby?

Ordell Roby: I wouldn’t say that..

Judge Judy: Answer the question, Mr. Roby!

Ordell Roby: Aw, come on, let me say my piece, you fine, fine, pretty lady, you!

Judge Judy: [ flattered ] Okay.

Ordell Roby: Thank you. Now, I do the best I can with my female clientele. Everybody wants to look sexy like Jackee! But what they don’t understand is there ain’t no amount of exercise gonna turn Shirley Hemphill into Toni Braxton. I mean, not every woman can keep a tight, fine body like yours, your Honor..

Judge Judy: Don’t you try to get on my good side, Sir! I’ve heard enough, I’m ready to rule!

ert the Bailiff: She’s ready to rule!

Judge Judy: Now.. I’ve had a lot of shysters come through my courtroom. But, Miss Shank, you take the cake. And it seems you also eat it.

Brenda Shank: [ appalled ] Your Honor!

Judge Judy: One minute, Cowpie! This man has done nothing but his personal best to find creative ways to get you in shape! And you have done nothing but put up walls to impede your progress! This court rules in favor of the Plaintiff, in the amount of $460 for the services rendered in the week of December. In layman’s terms – Ordell, you are the bomb, Sir.

Ordell Roby: [ exhilirated ] Judy, Judy, Judy!

Judge Judy: This court is dismissed! [ bangs gavel ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

January 10th, 1998

Samuel L. Jackson

Ben Folds Five

None

None
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) uses the country’s budget surplus to make a gratuitous sex film.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Montage

Samuel L. Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Samuel L. Jackson reads off some of his New Year’s resolutions.

Transcript

Lemon GlowSummary: The illuminating floor cleaner provides a renewed life for a suburban housewife (Molly Shannon) who used to live the wild life.

Note: Repeat from: 97c.

Publisher’s ClearinghouseSummary: Ghetto dad James Stapleton (Samuel L. Jackson) is the unexpected Publisher’s Clearinghouse prize winner.

Quentin Tarantino: A ProfileRecurring Characters: Quentin Tarantino, Walter Cronkite, Burt Reynolds.

Jazzterpieces

Judge JudySummary: Sassy Judge Judy (Cheri Oteri) rules in favor of a phony fitness instructor (Samuel L. Jackson) who has swindled a housewife (Ana Gasteyer).

Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Byrd.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: George Clooney foils the papparazzi in Rob Smigel’s parody of “Speed Racer”.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Harry Caray.

Transcript

Ben Folds Five performs “Brick”

TitanicSummary: Fifth Class black passengers (Samuel L. Jackson, Tracy Morgan) are denied their chance to evacuate after the Titanic hits an iceberg.

MangoRecurring Characters: Mango.

Transcript

The Learning AnnexRecurring Characters: Helen Madden.

Poolside Lovin’Summary: Dallas (Samuel L. Jackson) is ready to get down with the ladies, but all (Chris Kattan) can think about is his recently-deceased dad.

Transcript

The Weston CollectionSummary: A male model (Will Ferrell) garners respect when he wears the “I’m #1” hat from the Weston Collection.

Note: Repeat from: 97f.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Colin Quinn

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou, I’m Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news. Ourtop story tonight:

This week, following revelations that he lied abouthis military service, the body of former diplomat andDemocratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed fromArlington Cemetery. Commenting on the affair, an angryPresident Clinton called it, quote, “The mostoutrageous deception regarding one’s military servicesince me!” …

At a press conference this week, FAA officialsstudying last year’s crash of TWA flight 800,announced that they have pinpointed the cause: afrayed wire leading from the jet’s fuel tank.According to the investigators, the wire became frayedwhen it was struck by a missile. … That’ll – that’llfray a wire.

Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspendedlast week for attacking and choking his coach, hashired attorney Johnnie Cochran to represent him. At apress conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client didnot choke his coach, and even offered a reward to helpfind the real chokers. … [cheers andapplause]

President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissidentWei Jingsheng, a leading advocate of democracy inChina, who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearlyeighteen years. However, the meeting had to beabruptly cut short when the president learned that Mr.Jingsheng is broke. … [some applause]

At a congressional hearing this week, Republicansblasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal toinvestigate White House fundraising. Responding tocriticisms, Reno said, “Wow! Some congressmen mustreally want their homes firebombed and run over bytanks, huh?” …

Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator JesseHelms, who at 76 years old, recently underwent surgeryto repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senatorwill no longer need his cane for walking but Helmssays he will continue to use it to scare off youngwhippersnappers. … Nothin’ better than a cane toscare off young whippersnappers.

This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, theinternet’s most popular website, and vowed to unleasha crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is notreleased from prison. Experts warn that catching thesecyberterrorists will not be an easy task, and mayrequire the cooperation of both nerds AND geeks. …[some applause]

Well, President Clinton received an early Christmaspresent this week — an adorable Labrador puppy. Andpresidential historians say that it will be good forhis image. According to these scholars, in comparisonto a male dog, the president’s sex life will seemrelatively normal. …

Norm MacDonald: Well, the recent bailout ofSouth Korea by the International Monetary Fund ishaving ramifications that will be felt globally. Herewith a comment is our own Colin Quinn. Hey, Col.[Cheers and applause as we pan over to a drunken ColinQuinn who has loosened his collar and necktie andcarries a plastic cup of eggnog.]

Colin Quinn: Thanks, Norm. You know, Norm, theInternational Monetary Fund is abrout to bring –about to bring its own type — [glares at Norm whowatches him sadly] What?!

Norm MacDonald: [quietly] You had a little eggnog there, huh, Col?

Colin Quinn: [annoyed] Yes, I had a little eggnog. [tries to continue] The International MonetaryFund — [abruptly, to Norm] I’m sorry I don’t live upto your standards of supposed excellence in how toact. … My — I can’t — Ya sit here like its asophisticated part of the show or something. You know?[drops cup, spills egg nog on desk]

Norm MacDonald: Ah, you seemed to have a littlespill there, huh, Col?

Colin Quinn: [while trying to put eggnog backin cup with tiny red cocktail napkin] Sorry yourprecious little Update desk, from whence the oraclewill enlighten us, while all of us — you sit up onyour desk like the anti-hero or some contentiousCanadian — Leonard Cohen as Weekend anchor orsomething.

Norm MacDonald: Leonard Cohen? I don’t evenknow who that is.

Colin Quinn: [sighs] Don’t be ridiculous, Norm.You’re a ridiculous person. [stares at Norm, one elbowon desk clutching nearly empty cup of eggnog]…

Norm MacDonald: Look, Colin, you’d better watchout. You know, if Lorne sees this, you’re in bigtrouble.

Colin Quinn: [laughs] Yeah, we don’t want toupset the boss at the office Christmas party. He mightnot give us our little movie deals like the Roxburytwins or whatever the hell they’re supposed to becalled.

Norm MacDonald: Okay! All right! That’s enough!Get him out of here, guys. Come on.

[Uniformed security guard enters wielding anightstick, grabs Colin’s hair and forces him facedown in the desk.]

Colin Quinn: [struggles, face down in eggnog]Get off me! Get him off me, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: No, well, are–?

Colin Quinn: Get him off me!

Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?

Colin Quinn: Get off me!

Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?!

Colin Quinn: Get him off me and I’ll tellyou!

Norm MacDonald: Well, you just say you’re goingto stop first.

Colin Quinn: All right, Norm, I’ll stop.

Norm MacDonald: [to the guard] All right, lethim go.

Colin Quinn: Get him off!

[Guard pulls Colin to his feet and releases him. Colinstands there with eggnog running down his face as theguard exits.]

Colin Quinn: [points an accusing a finger atNorm] You’re messed up, Norm! You’re bush league,Norm! You’re lightweight! [Colin exits.]

Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody. [Cheersand applause.]

Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurantrefused to seat him, O. J. Simpson demanded and gotfive hundred dollars in compensation. In addition, therestaurant must now offer separate “murderer” and”non-murderer” sections. … [cheers and applause]

[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are saferdrivers? Men or women? Well, according to a newsurvey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are mostresponsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78 percentblame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that thepercentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100percent because the math was done by a woman. …[crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing atthat joke, it should be, uh, noted that that joke waswritten by a woman, so– … Now, you don’t know whatthe hell to do, do ya? … No, I’m just kidding, wedon’t hire women. Tel– … [applause]

Tel Aviv’s Hard Rock Cafe, which is sandwiched betweenthe sites of two gruesome suicide bombings, has closeddue to slumping tourism in Israel. Also contributingto the closing of the Hard Rock: the restaurant’s bestpiece of rock memorabilia is — [doctored photo offormer Secretary of State Henry Kissinger pointing toa mounted ukulele] — Henry Kissinger’s ukulele. So…

Well, a sad story from the world of entertainment thisweek. Actor Bob Bell, better known to millions as Bozothe Clown, has died at the age of seventy-five.Commenting on his passing, President Clinton said,quote, “You know, for fifty thousand dollars, he canbe buried next to JFK.” …

Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors thatactor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Franciscosocialite Denise Hale. An observer, who spotted thecouple necking in a restaurant, will have troublegetting an erection for the rest of his life. …

That’s the news folks, thanks!

[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie for thelast time: not long after, he is abruptly removed fromthe WU desk by NBC executives who apparently believed,based on ratings, that “Weekend Update with NormMacDonald” had become too sophisticated for SNL’s coreaudience and reassigned not only Norm butHarvard-educated segment producer Jim Downey. Music,cheers and well-deserved applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts