Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mayor Rudy Giuliani!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone. It’s GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Some people, uh, said this could be a big risk for me. Prosecuting the MOB is risky! After all, tonight, if I’m not good, what are they gonna do — blow up my car?
But it truly has been a fantastic year. As you know, I was recently re-elected to a second term as Mayor of New York City. [ the audience cheers ] Thank you. Thank you. And I’m proud to say that New York is now safer and more liveable than it’s EVER been! [ the audience cheers louder ] People are riding the subways again. And they’re walking in the park. In fact, New York is SO safe, I’d like to take this moment to officially announce that it is, once again, all right to… HITCHHIKE! That’s right! I’m launching a new campaign designed to get people hitching again, in New York!
[ Hitchhiking graphic appears on bottom left corner of the screen ]
Jingle: “Start Hitchhiking New Yoooork!!”
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Finally, New Yorkers can stick a thumb out and get a ride from a stranger again! Just like they could years ago! Now, let’s talk to am excited hitchhiker I picked up on the way over here! [ a disheveled hitchhiker named Sid steps out and joins Giuliani at Home Base ] This is Sid.
Sid: [ in a lightly disgruntled tone ] Hey.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Sid, are you excited about the return of hitchhiking to New York?
Sid: Oh yeah… I’ve been waitin’ for this a long time.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Will you — will you be hitching, or giving a ride?
Sid: Hell, I’ll do both — I can get a car, easy. Listen, anybody out there needs a ride, I’ll take ’em somewhere.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: If they’re going your way, of course?
Sid: Yeahhhh, I’ll take ’em. I’ll take ’em to the reservoir, or the quarry, or the abandoned soap factory, wherever they want.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: THAT’S the spirit! Thanks, Sid! [ Sid nods ] Il’l meet you by the car! Thank you!
Sid: Yeah. [ Sid steps away ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: So start hitchhiking, New Yorkers and tourists, one and all! Because the Big Apple is safe again! Safe for hitchhiking, and dozens of other activities. Activities, like: [ as the words appear onscreen ]
“Leaving your bike unlocked!”
“Going out with your front door wide open!”
“Dropping your children off in a subway station, in lieu of daycare!”
“Waving to youths on the streets and saying, “Nice colors!”
“Borrowing police hosses — horses!” [ he chuckles at his slip of the tongue, as the audience applauds ]
“And eating anything, no matter where you find it.”
[ Giuliani bends over, plucks an object from the bottom of his shoe, and eats the object ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Yum! New York-y!
And, speaking of good New York-ies, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Sarah McLachlan is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Sean: Whoo! Yes! Look out St. Monica, the Spellmaster is in the house! [does the robot] Beep bop boop.
Mr. Fry: Terrific. I love, L-O-V-E, spelling. Okay, we’ve got our three finalists. Sean Patrick Flanery.
Sean: I prefer Spellmaster, Mr. Fry.
Mr. Fry: Okay. We also have Shelly Peterbuilt.
[Shelly enters from stage right and approaches microphone]
Shelly: Oh, my God. [steps to the side, away from microphone]
Mr. Fry: And–
[Mary Katherine Gallagher comes running in from stage right, and shakes Mr. Fry’s hand]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katerine Gallagher! [stands at the microphone] Mary Katerine Gallagher. Mary Katerine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mr. Fry: Yes, Mary, I’ve taught you for eight years.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: I just, I just want to say hello to a young lady who’s sitting in the audience. Her name is Allison Earl, and she’s my new lab partner. And she’s someone who I hope to become friends with in the coming year. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Mr. Fry: Friends are important. Okay. Let’s learn a little bit about our three finalists. Sean, other than spelling, what’s your favorite hobby?
Sean: Spelling.
Mr. Fry: Besides spelling.
Sean: Thinking about spelling.
Mr. Fry: Terrific. Okay, Shelly, why do you want to win tonight’s competition?
Shelly: My boyfriend said if I won, he would tongue-kiss me in the alley behind the Pizza Hut. [laughs frenetically]
Mr. Fry: Excellent. And Mary, how did you become interested in spelling?
Mark Katherine Gallagher: My grandmother, she lives in a motorized wheelchair. And sometimes, when I get really carried away, she makes me sit down and play Scrabble with her until my medicine kicks in.
Mr. Fry: Super-duper! Let’s get to the final round. Sean, are you ready for your word?
Sean: [moves to microphone] Yes, yes, bring it on. Spellmaster, woo-hoo.
Mr. Fry: Your word is entrecote.
Sean: Whoah, okay. Entrecote: E-N-T…time out, time out.
Mr. Fry: There’s no time out in a spelling bee.
Sean: Okay. Entrecote: E-N-T…oh, God, I’m gonna be sick. I’m gonna be sick. [runs off stage right]
Mr. Fry: Terrific! We’re down to two finalists. Shelly Peterbuilt, and Mary–
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mr. Fry: And Mary Katherine Gallagher. Shelly, please step up to the mike.
Brad: [from offscreen] Go Shelly!
Shelly: Oh, my God, that’s my boyfriend Brad. He gave me this hickey. [points to her neck]
Mr. Fry: Your word is syzygy.
Shelly: Syzygy: S–
[Mark Katherine Gallagher sits on a wooden chair that collapses under her, sending her sprawling, and then she stands back up]
Shelly: Syzygy: S-Y-Z…Oh, my God, I forgot the “ygy” part! Brad, don’t leave! Brad! Oh, God! [runs off stage right]
Mr. Fry: Mary Katerine, step up to the mike.
[Mark Katherine Gallagher approaches the microphone, with her hands held under her arms]
Mark Katherine Gallagher: What are you doing?
Mark Katherine Gallagher: S…s…s…sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms, and then I smell them like that. [she sniffs her fingers] It’s not ladylike.
Mr. Fry: Thank you for sharing that with us, Mary. Mary, this is your chance to become St. Monica’s spelling champion. Are you ready? Okay, Mary, the word is syzygy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: [covers her mouth with her hands while whispering the word] Syzygy. Okay. Syzygy. Am I correct in assuming that the word is of Greek origin?
Mr. Fry: You are correct.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Alternate pronunciation?
Mr. Fry: There is none.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you use the word in a sentence?
Mr. Fry: Sure. Your spelling bee word is syzygy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can I have a glass of water?
Mr. Fry: Sister, [beckons off stage] sister.
[a nun brings Mark Katherine Gallagher a glass of water, which she drinks and then returns to the nun]
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Thank you. Thanks, sister. Can you say the word again?
Mr. Fry: Syzygy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you say the word in slow motion?
Mr. Fry: Syz…er…gy.
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Can you say the word in Pig Latin?
Mr. Fry: Yzygy-say. Mary, are you stalling?
MarNo, I just, I just, I feel, I feel, I feel nervous and scared. And I feel like my feelings of nervousness would best be expressed in a monologue from the 1975 made-for-TV movie “Sara T. – Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic” starring the buxom young child actress turned temptress, Miss Linda Blair. Is that okay? Is that okay? [pulls her hair behind her head] “Mother, I am not drunk, okay! God, do you know me? I mean deep down inside, do you know Sara T.? Because I don’t think that you do. God, you do not know how much pressure it is being a teenager. ‘Go to the dance Sara.’ ‘Organize the yearbook Sara.’ ‘Sell candybars for the band Sara’ It is too damn much, Mama! [pushes over the microphone] But when I call out your name, you’re not there. So I got a new mama now. [lifts her hand as a glass and sips from it] Booze is my mama. [points to the “glass”] And this mama…this mama loves me all the time, see? [drinks again] So I drink, I drink her down”…I drink her…I drink her! I drink her! I drink her I drink her I drink I drink I drink! [launches backwards through the brick wall beneath the banner]
[Mr. Fry helps Mark Katherine Gallagher back up and escorts her back to the microphone]
Mark Katherine Gallagher: Syzygy: S…Y…Z…Y…G…Y, syzygy.
Mr. Fry: We have a winner!
Mark Katherine Gallagher: [hugs Mr. Fry and does partial split with her arms lifted up] Spelling bee!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: We’ve brought New York a long way in the past few years, but there’s still a lot to be done. One of the things we won’t tolerate any more is grafitti. We got it off the subway, but there’s still a lot of idiots out there who are trying to turn our streets into an eyesore. So, this time, we’re getting tough!
From now on, every time you write your name in grafitti on public property, we’re going to put the word “Sucks” right under it. That’s right. Instead of being Mr. Cool, everyone’s going to think you suck. Our trained staff of police artists will make it look like you wrote it.
For two-time offenders, we’re going to put “Sucks Big Time“. Think how embarrassed you’ll be when your friends see your name that way. I know I’d be.
So, the next time you think about defacing public property, think about this. In your face, punk!
Irate Cabdriver…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani Fare #1…..Will Ferrell Fare #2…..Ana Gasteyer Fare #3…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on interior, New York City taxi cab ]
Cabdriver: Where to?
Fare #1: Uh.. 14th and 3rd.
Cabdriver: You got it.
Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss. Just buckle your seatbelt. Don’t act like some bigshot. Just put it on. Now! [ eerie laughter ]
Fare #1: What the hell was that?
Cabdriver: Celebrities tellin’ people to put their seatbelts on. The Mayor put a tape in every cab. Friggin’ Guiliani! Can you believe what he did to 42nd Street?
Fare #1: Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s great!
Cabdriver: Great? You gotta be kiddin’. I’ll take porn over Disney any day! Friggin’ Guiliani!
Fare #1: Well, he’s just trying to clean up the city.
Cabdriver: Listen, I’ve lived in this city for forty-four years. I was born here, and I can tell ya, three things make New York great: crime, noise and porn!
Fare #1: You know, some people like a clean city.
Cabdriver: Where do you come from?
Fare #1: Boston.
Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!
Fare #1: What?
Cabdriver: You heard me. Go back to Beantown, you hippie! [ Fare #1 exits the cab ]
Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss again. Don’t forget your belongings, or you’ll be saying goodbye.. girl.. to your wallet. Just do it!
Cabdriver: [ honks horn ] Move it, you piece of garbage limo! [ slows down and picks up Fare #2 ]
Fare #2: 1236 Park Avenue, please.
Cabdriver: Well, la-dee-dah!
Fare #2: Eh-excuse me?
Cabdriver: Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’..
Recording: This is Bob Costas, reminding you to buckle up your seatbelt, to save and protect you. Like a young Willie Mayes reaching over his shoulder..
Fare #2: Can you shut this off?
Cabdriver: Sit tight, honey. It’s almost over.
Recording: ..Hall of Fame glove. So, buckle up. Willie Mayes.. and.. Henry James, would have wanted it that way.
Fare #2: Doesn’t that drive you crazy?
Cabdriver: What choice do I have? I’m driving double-shift on my brother-in-law’s rented medallion. Friggin’ Guiliani!
Fare #2: I’m sorry to hear that.
Cabdriver: The mayor says we have to buy a new cab every five years. He raised medallion rentals! I’ve been drivin’ eighty hours straight just to break even!
Fare #2: Shouldn’t you go home?
Cabdriver: I’ll be fine. [ slowly dozes off ]
Fare #2: Wake up!
Cabdriver: Wha..? What..?
Fare #2: You should get some sleep.
Cabdriver: Guiliani should get some sleep!
Fare #2: That doesn’t make any sense.
Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!
Fare #2: Actually, I agree with you. Guiliani has placed too much emphasis on safety for the rich instead of programs for the poor.
Cabdriver: Really? Is that what you think? Where are you from?
Fare #2: I moved here a year ago from Chicago.
Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!
Fare #2: Because I’m from Chicago?
Cabdriver: Yeah! Now, get out! And tell Michael Jordan he travels every time he dribbles the ball! [ Fare #2 exits the cab ]
Recording: It’s time to leave.. and.. check your belongings.. and.. I’m reminded of the retirement of..
Cabdriver: [ bangs tape ] Shut up! Shut up! [ honks horn at pedestrian ] Stupid pedestrian! Move it, you bastard! What are you, blind?
Voice of Pedestrian: Yes, I am blind!
Cabdriver: [ stunned ] I’m very sorry. I didn’t know that. [ slows down and picks up Fare #3 ]
Fare #3: 87th and Columbus.
Cabdriver: You got it.
Recording: This is James Earl Jones. Buckle up your seatbelt or.. you.. will.. die! [ Fare #3 quickly buckles up ]
Cabdriver: [ laughing ] That’s the only one that works!
Fare #3: Hey, stop by the Disney Store on the way, man, I wanna get my daughter some Flub-A-Lub.
Cabdriver: That’s fine. I’ll catch a peep show while I wait.
[ open on Chris Kattan talking to a showgirl backstage ]
Chris Kattan: — As I was saying: I play this character called “Mr. Peppers”. He’s a half-man, half-monkey, and he eats an apple like this — [ he demonstrates the motion as Molly Shannon walks forward ]
Showgirl: I see —
Molly Shannon: Excuse me… excuse me. I need Kattan for one minute. [ the showgirl steps away ] Okay, thanks. Chris, have you seen the Mayor? He’s, like — he’s, like, really gotten into this performing thing.
Chris Kattan: Yeah, of course he’s into it. The guy throws himself into everything he does.
Molly Shannon: No! That’s not what I mean!
Chris Kattan: Look, Molly, don’t even worry about it. I mean, the guy — he’s the mayor of the toughest city in the world. Come on.
Molly Shannon: Yeah —
[ Mayor Rudolph Giuliani walks up to Chris and Molly, dressed in a foppish outfit with a powdered wig atop his head ]
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Chris, Molly — could you do me a favor?
Chris Kattan: Yeah — sure.
Molly Shannon: Ss–sure.
Chris Kattan: Yeah.
Molly Shannon: Whatever.
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Let’s not bother with the formalities, “Chrissie”. Please call me… “Rudolph”.
Chris Kattan: O-kayyy… “Rudolph.” Um — shouldn’t you get dressed for the monologue?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, that’s exactly the problem, . That dreadful man in the costume department is trying to put me in some drab, tacky little suit for my entrance! I look like a… begger!
Chris Kattan: Why don’t they just let you wear your own clothes?
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: These are my clothes! Isn’t it marvelous? [ Chris and Molly appear dumbfounded ] Oh, and the wig they want me to wear. It’s just not ME!
Molly Shannon: [ glances at the powdered wig and nods ] Oh. Yeah, th-that wig is just awful! You can definitely do better than — than — that!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: My dear girl — this is my real hair! [ Colin Quinn suddenly steps forward ] Colin. Do you think this — this works without the cape?
Colin Quinn: [ to Chris and Molly ] Can you guys give me a second? [ they nod and run away without further prompting ] Listen… Mayor Giuliani —
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Call me… “Rudolph”.
Colin Quinn: [ holds up his finger ] No! Listen to me: you’re the mayor of New York City, not Sgt. Pepper!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, “Mayor” is just another one of the characters I do. I can slip into it as easily as any — any of my characters! [ demonstrates ] “Show me the money!! Show me the money!!”
Colin Quinn: Please! Stop that!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I’m doing this show so I can have some fun and be myself — not that dreary “Mayor Giuliani” character. So drab, drab, drab! All day long, it’s potholes and zoning, those horrid people from the press!
Colin Quinn: Listen! If you were going down to bust up the Fulton Fish Market dressed like that, we’d still be eating Clams Gambino!! You gotta be the Mayor! Yuo gotta ACT like the Mayor!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Colin, I think not.
Colin Quinn: Well, I think so! Look — you probably don’t know this, but I’m from Brooklyn!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: How can I not know it? It’s half your act!
Colin Quinn: There’s no need for that! [ a beat ] Now, shave that thing off your lip, and GET OUT THERE and show ’em what New York City is all about!! [ music rises ] This is the city where DiMaggio played center field! Where Gershwin wrote “Rhapsody in Blue”! Where Washington was inaugurated President! Half the families in this country came through Ellis Island! It’s the Empire State Building! It’s Martin Scorcese! It’s The Ramones! It’s The Apollo! It’s Leonard Bernstein! Emmett’s Field! Birdland! Roseland! Peepland! It’s Fiorello LaGuardia!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Don’t forget the New York Yankees!!
Colin Quinn: That’s right! The Yankees! This is New York City! And you are the Mayor! Now, say it!
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: “Live, from the Capitol of the World, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 22nd, 1997 Mayor Rudolph Giuliani Sarah McLachlan None None Dramatic GiulianiSummary: Colin Quinn insists that Mayor Rudolph Giuliani straighten up before doing the show. Transcript
Montage
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s MonologueSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani shows how he has improved New York City since becoming its mayor. Bio: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (1944-). Politician; 107th Mayor of New York City, held office 1994-2001; an early contender for the 2008 Republican nomination. Cameos: 95j, 01a, 01i, 07f. Transcript
NightlineSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani barges in to refute charges that he is best friends with Saddam Hussein (Will Ferrell). Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Saddam Hussein. Transcript
Barry Scheck’s ClientsSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) and her mother (Mayor Rudolph Giuliani) prepare Thanksgiving dinner. Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio. Transcript
St. Monica’s Spelling BeeSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) competes in a spelling bee. Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher. Transcript
GraffitiSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani enforces stricter punishment for grafitti artists. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) and Sarah McLachlan sing “Basted In Blood”. Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun. Transcript
Sarah McLachlan performs “Sweet Surrender”Bio: Sarah McLachlan (1968-). Canadian singer-songwriter; founded the 1997-99 Lilith Fair concert tour for female artists.
The Joe Pesci ShowRecurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Spider, Marion Berry.
Friggin’ Giuliani!Summary: A New York City cabdriver (Mayor Rudolph Giuliani) is outraged over the way Mayor Giuliani has cleaned things up. Transcript
Meredith Viera…..Molly Shannon Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri Star Jones…..Tracy Morgan Debbie Matenopoulus…..Clair Danes Cokie Jones…..Ana Gesteyer
[ background music starts ]
[ The View logo ]
[ hosts enter and sit at the table ]
Meredith Viera: Hi, welcome to The View. We got a great show for you today. Right, ladies?
Barbara Walters: We certainly do.
Meredith Viera: Okay, let’s start with a look at the newspaper.
Star Jones: We have got some hot topics today.
Meredith Viera: Yes, we do. What do you think about this? Louise Woodward, the British nanny, was set free on Monday. Her conviction was reduced from murder to manslaughter.
Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and I can tell you manslaughter is a lesser charge than murder. So, her charges were actually reduced.
Barbara Walters: Meredith, I was at a dinner party with Berry Chuck just last night, and, girlfriend, he was as giddy as a school-girl who had crossed the ocean, killed her baby, and got all scott free.
Meredith Viera: Nice, nice. Now, I have a nanny, and it’s worked out great, but I also have a secret nanny who keeps an eye on the other nanny, but, uh, not everyone can afford that.
Barbara Walters: No, this is true. Yes, this is true.
Debbie Matenopoulus: You, guys, that English nanny bugs me. I mean, I mean, what is with that stupid accent?
[ Barbara Walters makes a hand gesture ]
Debbie Matenopoulus: Right? I mean, you know. [ giggles ]
[ short silence ]
Meredith Viera: Okay, this, um, this next story is really very interesting. Umm, President Clinton is sending 50 more warplanes to Iraq. This will double the number of U.S. warplanes in the region from 50 to 100.
Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and what this means is that there were 50 planes and now, there are 100 planes, and that’s almost twice as many planes. I know.
Barbara Walters: That’s right, that’s right, true. I was horseback riding with Saddam Hussein just last week. And let me tell you, sister friend, that man is as crazy as a crap house rat.
Debbie Matenopoulus: You guys, I’ll take on Saddam Hussein myself ’cause, ’cause I do power yoga, and I’m like totally strong.
Meredith Viera: Okayyyy, our guest today is one of my favorite journalists. She’s fantastic. This lady is fantastic. You see her every Sunday on This Week with David Brinkley. Please welcome Cokie Roberts.
[ Cokie enters and sits down ]
[ everyone speaking at the same time ]
Star Jones: You must be a size six.
Cokie Roberts: Well, thank you for having me.
Barbara Walters: Cokie, I must ask, what is the most difficult interview you’ve ever done?
Cokie Roberts: Well, Barbara, I would have to say it’s–
Barbara Walters: Because, Cokie, if it were me, it would have to either be Henry Kissinger, Fidel Castro, or my upcoming interview with Ferry Switzer this week on 20/20.
Meredith Viera: You know, sometimes, I will be in the middle of the interview, and I will start thinking about my son, Alex, and I will be thinking what is he doing right now. Is he eating a sandwich? Does he miss me? And I feel so guilty about being a working mom.
Star Jones: See, that’s why I say no kids for me. ‘Cause we all know I got to have my me time.
[ all the ladies say “That is so Star!” ]
Debbie Matenopoulus: Umm, Cokie, you know what I wanted to ask you, does anyone ever call you Cokie Cola or Diet Cokie?
[ short silence ]
Meredith Viera: Okay, it is time now, um, for our question of the day. Okay, today’s question comes from Marlyn Campbell of Tulsa, Oklahoma. And, Cokie, we chose this question in your honor. Okay? If you could be any Spice Girl, which one would you be and why? It’s a great question, huh? It is, it is. Great question, great question.
Barbara Walters: I’ll go first. I said ginger spice, also known as sexy spice, because I’ve always thought of myself as that Benny Hill type of big-breasted beauty. Star?
Star Jones: Now, I know all you thought I was gonna say scary spice.
Barbara Walters: That’s true.
Meredith Viera: Yes.
Star Jones: Why, oh, why is the only Black spice girl called scary? I mean, I wanna be called, i wanna be pudge spice, you know. Wear some Prada, okay. I’m a lawyer.
Debbie Matenopoulus: How about you, Cokie Cola?
Cokie Roberts: Well, I, I’ve been a journalist for 28 years, and, uh, Barbara, you’ve gotta get off the show before it sinks to you like a stone.
Debbie Matenopoulus: No fair, you didn’t answer the question.
Cokie Roberts: And, and someone should be you senseless with your own chunky black shoes.
[ everyone speaking at the same time ]
Star Jones: I know that’s true. If I had decent senses, I’d beat that little white bitch myself.
Meredith Viera: Okay, we have to go to commercial, but stick around, we’re gonna be talking about the problem of virginity with the cast of the Lion King.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm Macdonald: I’m Norm Macdonald, now the -[pause] – fake news, our top story tonight:
As the war of words between the U.S. and Iraqcontinues to heat up, President Clinton today sent hislatest blunt message to Saddam Hussein. Quote, “As ourtwo nations appear headed toward military conflict,let history record that all this could have beenavoided with a simple fifty thousand dollarcontribution to the Democratic National Committee. …The blood is on your hands.” …
In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in thetrial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski and appearsto be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defensehad only one question for each prospective juror:”What is your mailing address?” …
Just days after she was freed by a Massachusettsjudge, British nanny Louise Woodward has receivednumerous job offers from families seeking an aupair. Although her attorneys refuse to sayprecisely who has made these offers, speculation hassurfaced that JonBenet Ramsey’s parents are expecting…. [stunned silence, groans, boos, light laughter]Yeah, they’re gonna have a little bundle of joy therein their life. …
A frightening moment this week for First Lady HillaryClinton. Her plane, en route to the former SovietUnion, was forced to make an emergency landing when itwas discovered that a frayed wire in the engine wascausing serious malfunctions. The president was saidto be furious and demanded an immediate investigationof what went wrong with “Operation: Frayed Wire.”…
There was outrage in Detroit this week when Dr. JackKevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a localchurch, leaving her body inside the church building.According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his vanhas almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy. …[mild reaction from crowd]
Man in the Audience: [shouts] Norm!
Norm Macdonald: [waves] Hello, hi, how are ya?…
In a statement with profound legal implications, theFBI announced this week that for the first time, itsexperts can now identify an individual with onehundred per cent accuracy through his DNA. And,really, when you think about it, the timing could nothave been better, said former football great O. J.Simpson. … [mild reaction, someone boos] Hewas good on the gridiron. …
A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clientsinclude Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller and JoanRivers, has been accused of fondling patients whilethey were under anesthesia. The case has legal expertswondering: who is the real victim here?…
In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffersfrom emphysema blew up his home trying to smoke acigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. … Inresponse, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented himwith its lifetime achievement award. …
Norm Macdonald: And now, folks, with the localnews, our old friend, Joe Blow! Hey, Joey.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Joe, a glum,middle-aged, blue collar working class guy in aplumber’s outfit. He clutches a black metal lunch boxwhich has an American flag decal on it.]
Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. Thanks, Norm. In localnews, I was the only one with a flag flyin’ off myhouse on Veteran’s Day. Seen more American flags onthe news footage from Iraq. In block news, the guynext door to me, his wife is sellin’ Tupperware out ofthe house while the son is sellin’ drugs out o’ thegarage. I called the cops on ’em. They let the son go.Meanwhile, the wife is doin’ two years for income taxevasion. …
In educational news, my wife won’t send my youngestgirl to Catholic school ’cause the teachers hit thekids. So we sent her to public school where the kidshit the teachers. …
My daughter got thrown out for tryin’ to pray ’causeyou can’t pray in public school, only Catholic school.Public school, ya get shot, stabbed — that’s where yaneed to pray. Right, Norm?
Norm Macdonald: [off screen] Yep. …
Joe Blow: [nods grimly] In international news,I go around the corner to the Rose o’ Tralee, theIrish bar. It’s run by three Spanish guys now. ThePegan brothers, Norm. The Pegan brothers. You walk in,sometimes you’re the only one not wearin’ a fishnetT-shirt. … They even changed the jukebox. E-7 usedto be “Wild Colonial Boy” – now, it’s the Theme from”Carlito’s Way.” I go next door to the pizzeria, theygot two Arabs behind the counter. You gotta make surethey don’t give ya a slice off the old pie. I want thefresh one, the one underneath. They won’t let ya seewhich pizza it comes off behind the counter. They keepit hidden from you like you’re a U.N. chemical weaponsinspector. …
The neighborhood’s changin’, Norm. In the old days,there used to be a gin mill on every corner.
Norm Macdonald: Yeah. Well, it sounds like itwas a great place to raise children. …
Joe Blow: [nods] You said it, Norm. In sports,my oldest daughter is boxin’ and liftin’ weights whilemy oldest son teaches Afro-Cuban step funk at LucilleRoberts. … In the meantime, my doctor tells me I gotthe cardiovascular system of Bill Parcells. … Indomestic news, my wife thinks I need a second job, mydaughter thinks I need psychiatric help and myyoungest son throws me gang signs at the dinner table…. He wants to join a gang, Norm — the Bloods. He’sgot the red bandana, the knife. Norm, when I wasgrowin’ up, a red bandana and a knife meant you werein the Boy Scouts.
Norm Macdonald: Yeah, well, sadly enough, gangsare a big thing nowadays, Joe.
Joe Blow: I was in a gang myself, Norm. You’renot talkin’ to Zeke from the Creek over here. … Iwas in a gang. The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets. …[makes a fist] We gave out some pinochle-in’s in thosedays, Norm, but we did it like gentlemen.
Norm Macdonald: [trying to wrap things up]Well, I guess that’s about that, huh, Joe?
Joe Blow: Hey, Norm! What’s the skinny on thatbeer?
Norm Macdonald: [uncomfortable] Beer?
Joe Blow: The beer that we never had.
Norm Macdonald: Oh.
Joe Blow: Yeah. What do you say, after this, wego down to the Rose of Tralee, you know, have a beer,you take a couple of pictures with the Pegan brothers,maybe sign their dominoes table. …
Norm Macdonald: [not crazy about the idea,tries to be polite] Well, that sounds like a plan,Joe. That – that sounds like a plan. Joe Blow,everybody!
[Cheers and applause for Joe. A new camera anglecatches Norm off guard, he flinches in surprise, putsa hand to his lips effeminately, then gathers himselfand continues:]
In Washington, D. C., several local activists aretrying to gather enough signatures by December to puta medical marijuana initiative on the ballot.Meanwhile, one local activist is trying to do the samething for medical crack. [Photo ofcrack-smokin’ D. C. mayor Marion Barry] …
The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week,adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. Butbefore you get too excited about the new additions tothe league, remember: all of the players are stillwomen. … [weak reaction from crowd, Normexplains:] They stink at basketball, that’s theproblem. … Other than that, it’d be a good, youknow, a good game but they’re – they’re allhorrible so it makes for a – kind of aboring game. …
Four Wisconsin men have been charged with felony hatecrimes after burning a man’s buggy simply because hewas Amish. If convicted, the men face up totwenty-five years in prison. But furious Amish leaderssay that is NOT enough. They want the dunking wheel!…
[Photo of a blue gown on a dressmaker’s dummy, with ahandwritten sign visible on a post in the background]A Tampa businesswoman who bought several of PrincessDiana’s gowns as a collector is now putting them ondisplay to raise money for charity. However, hermethod of display is being described by many asinappropriate. [Closer view of sign which reads: “SeeDead Lady’s Dress 50¢”] … [almost zero reaction fromcrowd, groans, someone says, “Oh, man!” in disbelief]Still, for four bits, you know, that’s a good deal….
According to a recent study published in New Choicesmagazine, the more household chores a husband does,the more likely his wife is to report having good sex.The article explains that when a man does asubstantial amount of housework, it gives his wifesome time to go out and find a real man to have sexwith. …
And, in Sugarland, Texas, a Florida-bound Amtrak traincollided with the back of a tractor trailer carryingbagged sand. Thankfully, no serious injuries werereported. However, the accident did draw protest fromthe group People for the Ethical Treatment of Sand…. [almost zero reaction, groans] Yeah. Thosepeople. …
And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary schoolteacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week tohaving sex with a sixth grade student whose child shebore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a”sex offender” or, as the kids refer to her, “TheGreatest Teacher Ever.” … [applause, cheers]
And that’s it, folks.
[Norm starts to unclasp the microphone from hisnecktie. Music, cheers and applause as we dissolve tothe WU graphic.]
Peter Pan…..Chris Kattan Wendy…..Ana Gasteyer Tinkerbell…..Claire Danes
[ open on Peter Pan in Wendy’s room ]
Peter Pan: You just can’t grow up! You have to come with me to Never Never Land!
Wendy: Never Never Land? How wonderful! Peter, I’m so excited.. I’d like to give you.. a kiss. [ as Peter leans in, Tinkerbell buzzes by ] Oh, my.. what’s wrong with Tinkerbell?
Peter Pan: Why.. I think she’s jealous!
Wendy: Jealous? Of me? How funny!
Peter Pan: Yep! She’s jealous, alright! She’s flittering and scattering around Pixie Dust so much, that’s how I can tell.
Wendy: I wonder what she’s saying?
[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]
Tinkerbell: [ angry ] You whore! You flithy, rotten slut! You keep your bony ass away from him, you hear me, you hatchet-faced tramp! This chunk is mine, bitch! I’ve been working that man for years, trying to get some of his greens! I own that piece of..
[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]
Wendy: Look at her go! It looks like you’ve got quite a frisky fairy on your hands.
Peter Pan: Yep, that’s Tink! She’s quite a little firecracker.
Wendy: I should say so. Just listen to all that merry little tinkling!
[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]
Tinkerbell: ..and you can just suck it! You hear that?! I’m gonna make you suck it! You do not wnat what I got! I’ll bitch-slap you! I’ll cut off your feet and mail them to your parents! And, you, Peter.. if you so much as touch that dirty piece of sailor-meat, I’ll handcuff you to a radiator and beat you with a curtain rod, you mother..
[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]
Peter Pan: Ah, Tink, you look like you got a bee in your bonnet!
Wendy: [ jumping across the room ] Oh, I wish I were a fairy! What a gay, gay time of it I would have!
[ close-up on Tinkerbell smoking a cigarette ]
Tinkerbell: What the hell have I done with my life? I’m the fairy equivalent of a thirty-eight year-old woman.. And I’ve spent most of my adult life chasing after a ten year-old in tights. I can’t read or write.. I’m named “Tinkerbell”, for God’s sake! Well, screw it! It’s time for Tink to get some booze in her gut, and her legs in the air!
[ cut to Peter telling Wendy all about Tinkerbell ]
Peter Pan: Yeah.. Tinkerbell’s been following me around for years. I give her an acorn every couple of days. She seems happy. [ Tinkerbell flies up to a bottle of booze ] Hey.. what’s Tink up to?
Wendy: [ laughing ] Oh! The silly little sprite seems to have taken a liking to Father’s brandy. [ Tinkerbell drinks the entire bottle ] Oh, naughty Tinkerbell!
[ close-up off a drunken Tinkerbell ]
Tinkerbell: [ hiccups ] You never loved me, you puke! I coulda been a dancer! Everybody said I was good enough, I coulda made it big! But, no! I had to crap it all away on you, Pan! But it all ends tonight!
[ Peter and Wendy laugh harder than ever at Tinkerbell’s antics ]
Wendy: Peter, look. Isn’t that cute! Tinkerbell’s got a knife!
[ Peter and Wendy laugh, until they notice Tinkerbell is pointing the knife straight at them ]
[ close-up of Tinkerbell holding the knife determindedly ]
Tinkerbell: Oh, yeah.. I’m drunk, and someone’s gettin’ cut! I got nothin’ to lose, do you hear me?! I’m gonna gut you like a fish! Don’t screw with me! I’m Tinkerbell!!
Barry Scheck … Norm MacDonald Mrs. Scheck … Molly Shannon Louise Woodward … Claire Danes O. J. Simpson … Tim Meadows Ted Kaczynski … Will Ferrell Terry Nichols … Jim Breuer
[Night. Exterior of a nice house in the city. SUPER:Barry Scheck’s Home. Dissolve to interior of theliving room where attorney Barry Scheck sits on thesofa and works at his laptop computer. His wife, Mrs.Scheck, enters.]
Mrs. Scheck: Ooh, all right, Barry. The kidsare all tucked in upstairs, okay?
Barry Scheck: Oh, okay, thanks, honey.
Mrs. Scheck: Okay, so I’m gonna go to thatP.T.A. meeting. Now, you’re gonna be okay here?
Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got these legalbriefs to go over for – for my trial tomorrow, so…
[Mrs. Scheck exits, Barry continues to work oncomputer while eating French fries. He tries to pourketchup out of a bottle with no success. Doorbellrings. Barry rises and answers the door. LouiseWoodward, the British nanny acquitted of murder forshaking a baby to death, enters.]
Louise Woodward: [British accent] Hello, Mr.Scheck.
Barry Scheck: Aha! Louise! H-How are you? Whatare you doing here?
Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I wanted to thankyou for taking on my case and getting me out of jail.
Barry Scheck: Ah, well, no problem. Justiceprevailed and that’s the important thing.
Louise Woodward: Oh, and also since I must stayin the country until my appeal is resolved, I-I’d liketo ask you a small favor.
Barry Scheck: Oh, of course. Anything at all.
Louise Woodward: Can I be your nanny?
Barry Scheck: Dah!! No! No, we’re, ah, we’renot looking for anyone right now.
Louise Woodward: [holds up a newspaper ad] Butthis ad here says you’re looking for a nanny.
Barry Scheck: Ha! The ad, yes! Well, all right,well, ah, just, uh, mail me your references and, uh–See you later!
Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I’ve – I’ve got myreferences right here. [offers him a filefolder]
Barry Scheck: Oh, you do, huh?
Louise Woodward: Yes.
Barry Scheck: [takes folder, opens it, readsit] All right, well, let’s take a look at ’em, here,your references, are, uh… Let me see, uh, “BarryScheck.” Well, that’s me. And, uh, “England.” … Thewhole country, huh? And then, this is odd, you’veactually given a phone number for England. That’s, uh- I didn’t realize that the – countries had their ownphone numbers. Listen, Louise, ah, we don’t need anynannies, so, uh…
Louise Woodward: But – but, who will look afteryour children?
Barry Scheck: Ha! Our children, yes! Well, uh,what we do is, me and the wife, when we go out, we,ah, just leave the kids a couple of jigsaw puzzles anda pack of bologna. All right! See ya!
Louise Woodward: Oh, it’s really cold outthere. Could – could I please come in for a spell?
Barry Scheck: Huh, well, ah, let me think aboutit there, ah– No, you can’t!
Louise Woodward: Oh, please! I’m really cold!
Barry Scheck: Well, all right. Just for aminute, I guess. [Barry and Louise sit on the sofa,Barry tries again to pour ketchup on his French fries]Just having some dinner, here.
Louise Woodward: What are you trying to do?
Barry Scheck: Ah, I’m trying to get thisketchup– It won’t come out.
Louise Woodward: Ah, ooh, let me try. [grabsbottle] See, you’ve really got to shake it. Shake it![shakes bottle violently] Shake it until it getsloose! Damn it! Why won’t the ketchup comeout?!
Barry Scheck: Louise! [grabs ketchup bottleback] That’s my bottle of ketchup, there.
[Doorbell rings. Barry rises and answers it. Acquitteddouble murderer O. J. Simpson enters, all smiles.]
O. J. Simpson: Hey, Barry, what’s happening,man?
Barry Scheck: O. J.!
O. J. Simpson: [they shake hands] Yeah, how youdoing?
Barry Scheck: O. J., what – what are you doinghere?
O. J. Simpson: Look, I just, ah, wanted to comeby and thank you for getting me acquitted, man. Thanksa lot. [gives Barry a quick hug]
Barry Scheck: Ahaha, yeah, well, no problem.Okay, see you later.
O. J. Simpson: [takes off coat, grinning, movestoward Louise] Hey, uh, who’s the hottie?
Barry Scheck: The “hottie”? That – that’s ananny.
O. J. Simpson: [laughs] Yeah, right.
Louise Woodward: [still on the sofa, shakingthe ketchup bottle, talking to herself] … Damnketchup out of the bottle!
O. J. Simpson: [to Louise] Oh, here, let me seethat. You know, you need to stick something in there.Here, let me see. [O. J. pulls out a huge knife, takesthe bottle and repeatedly jams the knife into it.]
Barry Scheck: [shocked] Good Lord! O. J., putthe knife down! O. J.!
O. J. Simpson: Now, wait a minute. Hold on onesecond, my hands get sweaty when I’m working. [whipsout a black glove]
Barry Scheck: [stunned] Dah!!
O. J. Simpson: [puts glove on, continues to jamthe knife down the neck of the bottle] Yeah, that’lldo it! Oh, yes, yes, this is it, yes!
[Doorbell rings but Barry doesn’t hear it – somesmerized is he by the sight of a gloved O. J.jamming a huge knife up and down into a ketchupbottle. On the second ring, Barry hurries to the doorand answers it. Bearded, wild-haired Unabomber TedKaczynski, wearing orange prison jumpsuit and carryinga package wrapped in brown paper, enters.]
Barry Scheck: Ha ha, uh, I’m fine. What do youwant?
Ted Kaczynski: Well, my trial’s just gettin’started and I need a good lawyer. What do you say?
Barry Scheck: Ah, uh, yeah, well, you know, uh,the thing is, ah, you know, my schedule’s really tightright now and, I–
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, that isn’t a computer overthere, is it?
Barry Scheck: Oh, yes – NO!
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, good, okay. Oh, oh thatreminds me, Barry, I brought you something. [handsBarry the package]
Barry Scheck: Oh. DAH! [hands it back toKaczynski] You just hold on to that.
Ted Kaczynski: Okay, okay. Look, I’m just gonnago mingle. Heyyyy!
Barry Scheck: Ha, mingle.
Ted Kaczynski: [joins O. J.] Hey, Juice,what’re you doin’?
O. J. Simpson: Ah, I’m just trying to get theketchup out of this bottle.
Ted Kaczynski: Is it Heinz?
O. J. Simpson: Yeah.
Ted Kaczynski: [conspiratorially] Well, look onthe side of the bottle and tap the “57.”
O. J. Simpson: Oh.
Louise Woodward: [shaking a martini shaker overher head] Does anyone want a martini?
Barry Scheck: Louise! For God’s sake! [takesshaker away from Louise as the doorbell rings] Mymartini shaker! [Barry sets shaker down and goes toanswer the door. Louise immediately picks up shakerand continues to shake it. Barry opens door.Bespectacled Oklahoma City bombing accomplice TerryNichols enters.]
Terry Nichols: How are you, Mr. Scheck? [shakeshands with Barry] Terry Nichols, here.
Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah.
Terry Nichols: Yeah, I came to see if you’d,uh, represent me …
Barry Scheck: Oh!
Terry Nichols: [takes his coat off] … in theOklahoma City bombing trial.
Barry Scheck: Yeah, well, I’m kind of busy withthe, uh, Unabomber.
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, Terry, can you help us getthe ketchup out of the bottle, here?
Terry Nichols: Sure, got any ammonium nitrateand fertilizer?
[Wild-eyed, Kaczynski laughs. Violently shaking themartini shaker, Louise laughs. O. J., knife in glovedhand and red ketchup spattered all over his whiteshirt, laughs.]
O. J. Simpson: I sure made a mess of thisketchup! Barry, you wanna get rid of this for me?[hands Barry the knife]
[Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” plays.Barry, knife in hand, steps forward into a spotlightto address the camera. As he does, the room darkensand Barry’s “guests” crowd together in the background:Louise hands out drinks to the others, Nichols and O.J. toast one another, Kaczynski and Louise slow dance,Nichols pulls out a small camera and he and O. J. posefor a picture.]
Barry Scheck: Ah, well, I’ll never forget thatmagical night. Laughing and singing with TerryNichols, O. J., the British nanny, and the Unabomber.We became the best of friends. Then when I wake up thenext morning, I realized my wife had been stabbed, mybaby had been shaken, and my house had been blown uptwice. … You know, some people might call that atragedy, but I call it four new clients. And four newfriends.
Air Date:
