The Lost Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey Written by: Jack Handey
[Mellow music, piano and strings. Blue water. The sunon the horizon. Sailboats glide past, silhouettedagainst the orange sky.]
Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.
Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text] Before a mad scientist goes mad, there’s probably a time when he’s only partially mad. And this is the time when he’s going to throw his best parties.
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer Al Gore…..Will Ferrell Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri
[ open on Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now, a special address from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Bill Clinton seated at his desk in the Oval Office ]
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As of 8:15 p.m. Eastern Time, American planes have begun bombing authorities inside Iraq. We are now at war. [ he smiles and bangs his fists on the table ] I’M JUST KIDDING! HA! Ah, I bet my approval rating just went through the ROOF there for a minute!
[ he bites his lip and turns serious ]
The real reason I’m addressing you tonight has nothing to do with Iraq, the ecomony or independent council investigations. I’m here tonight to tell you about my wife.. uh..
Hillary Clinton: [ sitting down next to Bill ] Hillary.
President Bill Clinton: Sure.. Hillary..
Hillary Clinton: Hello, America.
President Bill Clinton: Now, last year during the election, I asked Hillary, with all the respect and love a husband feels for his wife, to shut her damn mouth. It was part of my re-eelection strategy, and wouldn’t you know – it worked like gangbusters! [ laughs until he sees Hillary’s evil eye and stops ] Then, last month after Hillary turned fifty.. [ he shudders ] ..and the impending conflict in Iraq promised to get my approval rating in the upper 80’s, lower 90’s.. some advisors felt maybe I could take a hit and let Hillary speak.
Hillary Clinton: And I was thankful..
President Bill Clinton: Not yet, woman! [ pause ] I, however, said no. But then Hillary threatened to remember something that she had previously forgotten. So we came to an agreeable compromise. I have agreed to let Hillary address the nation and speak her mind freely for an entire minute. [ places an egg timer on the desk ] Just to cover my bases, though.. yesterday, I sent an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf. I hope this will keep my approval rating up, and give me a “Hillary Buffer Zone”. [ sets the timer for “one” minute ] Citizens of America, I give you our First-Lady: Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you. First, I would like to address the issue of Health Care reform. [ buzzer goes off ]
President Bill Clinton: Time’s up! Whoo! I think that went well..
Hillary Clinton: That was not a minute, Bill!
President Bill Clinton: Oh, maybe you cook an egg differently than I do.
Hillary Clinton: You know, it’s funny – I just remembered this incident at the Governor’s Ball in 19..
President Bill Clinton: Okay! [ resets timer ] Ladies and gentlemen, the First-Lady.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Bill. [ starts ] You all know I believe in Health Care. But I also believe in other issues, like rehabilitating criminals rather than putting them to death. Now, I know that sounds liberal, but..
President Bill Clinton: [ fakes a buzzer sound ] Time’s up!
Hillary Clinton: You made that sound with your mouth, Bill!
President Bill Clinton: [ stunned at the accusation ] I most certainly did not! That was one minute.
Hillary Clinton: [ to cameras ] You know, America.. I remember once in 1983, I caught Bill on all fours wearing an E.T. mask..
President Bill Clinton: [ resets timer ] Alright! Start yapping, you she-witch!
Hillary Clinton: Thank you. [ clears throat ] I feel that we have strayed from the progressive and compassionate path as a nation. Big business continues to exploit the individual..
President Bill Clinton: Except for Dow Chemical! [ gives thumbs-up ]
Hillary Clinton: Common sense has been replaced by mob mentality, and bold leadership has been replaced by public opinion polls.
President Bill Clinton: She’s crazy, right? I mean.. unless you agree with her..
Hillary Clinton: Vibrant thinking has been replaced by soulless buerocrats seeking only to rise to power.
Al Gore: [ entering ] Hi. I’m Al Gore. [ exits ]
Hillary Clinton: Meanwhile, our celebrity-obsessed culture is more interested in who is sleeping with who, rather than who is oppressing who.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: November 15th, 1997 Clare Danes Mariah Carey None None Steve Higgins Adam McKay Dennis McNicholas Paula Pell A Message From the First-Lady of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) isn’t keen on allowing Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) to address the nation. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al gore, Barbara Walters. Transcript
Montage
Clare Danes’ MonologueSummary: Audience members express their outrage that actress Clare Danes got into Yale University with such ease. Bio: Clare Danes (1979-). Actress; starred in the short-lived television drama, “My So-Called Life” (1994-95); film credits include: “William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet” (1996), “The Rainmaker” (1997), and “Shopgirl” (2005).
The Weston CollectionSummary: A male model (Will Ferrell) garners respect when he wears the “I’m #1” hat from the Weston Collection.
Barry Scheck’s ClientsSummary: Defense lawyer Barry Scheck (Norm MacDonald) unexpectedly entertains some of his not-so-innocent clients in his home. Recurring Characters: Barry Scheck, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kaczyncski. Transcript
The ViewRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Star Jones, Debbie Matenopolous, Cokie Roberts. Transcript
The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) provide the entertainment at their embarrassed daughter’s (Clare Danes) College Career Day. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.
TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo battle Big Head’s ice monster in a cartoon by Rob Smigel.
Peter PanSummary: A drunken Tinkerbell (Clare Danes) lets it be known that she’s tired of being Peter Pan’s (Chris Kattan) second banana. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Joe Blow. Transcript
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm Macdonald: Thank you, I’m Norm Macdonald,now the fake news, our top story tonight:
Last night, ex-sportscaster Marv Albert and fianceeHeather Faulkner appeared on 20/20 with BarbaraWalters in what Albert admitted was an uphill battleto have a really hot three-way. …
Earlier today, following two weeks of provocation bySaddam Hussein over U.N. weapons inspection, PresidentClinton has issued his clearest warning yet to theIraqi leader. The unusually frank, strongly wordedletter reads as follows, quote: “Should yourgovernment persist in flouting international law, Iwill have no choice but to order military action whichwill be both swift and devastating. Of course, whenthe time for military action comes, I may simplypanic, flee to England and smoke dope until the wholething’s over … But, then again, I may NOT!”…
More fallout from the recent conviction of British aupair Louise Woodward on murder charges. This week, herattorney, Barry Scheck, lashed out at the legalsystem, saying, quote, “What kind of sick society dowe live in where an innocent girl is sent to prisonwhile a double murderer like O. J. Simpson goes free?”… Kind of a– …
Meanwhile, O. J. Simpson’s Brentwood estate officiallywent on sale this week with an asking price of threepoint nine million dollars. According to realtors,some of the home’s highlights include a newlyrenovated gourmet kitchen and a luxurious masterbathroom with separate sinks for murderer andmurderee. [crowd gasps, Norm looks around quizzically]… [crowd falls silent, Norm sings softly:]Murderer, murderee …
On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republicancongressmen formally asked the House JudiciaryCommittee whether there is sufficient evidence tobegin impeachment proceedings against PresidentClinton. In response, the president said, quote: “Hey!You know who would have the answer to that question?Vince Foster.” … [scattered applause]
With the release of over one hundred hours ofvideotape of President Clinton at campaignfundraisers, the pressure continues to mount onAttorney General Janet Reno to name an independentcounsel to investigate the president. In addition,some senators are said to be furious that, instead ofwatching the videotapes, Reno has been taping overthem with episodes of “Xena: Warrior Princess.” …[some applause]
On Tuesday, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giulianicruised to reelection with fifty-seven per cent of thevote. [some cheers and applause] The mayor credits hisvictory to strict enforcement of “quality of life”ordinances, while loser Ruth Messinger blamed herdefeat on low voter turnout by aggressive panhandlersand squeegee men. … She was expectin’ them to showup strongly. …
This week, the crew of the trouble-plagued Russianspace station Mir took a much-deserved break, usingtheir on-board computer to do some shopping on theInternet. Among the cosmonauts’ purchases this week: aVCR, an exercise bike, and a new space station.… [mild reaction, Norm shrugs]
Norm Macdonald: Well, right now, I’d like tobring out an old friend who we’ve not seen on WeekendUpdate for many years. Please welcome the president ofthe Pathological Liars Association of America –[crowd reacts with delight] — Tommy Flanagan! [Hugecheers and applause for Tommy.]
Tommy Flanagan: Hello. My name is TommyFlana– er, Flanagan, yeah. … Well,people have been wondering what I’ve been doinglately. Well, I’ve been doing a lot. Fact, uh, er,just last night I went to bed– I mean, I went toTibet! Yeah, that’s it, and I – I went there topick up my shirt at the laundry. And I had athousand pieces of paper in my pocket. So I tookone piece of paper out of my– and I said, “Will thisget me my shirt back?” And he said no. And I said,”Well, hey! Will this piece of paper get me my shirtback?” And the man at the laundry said no. And I said,”Well, gee, gee, how about this piece of paper?Will this get me my shirt back?” And he said —“Yeah, that’s the ticket!” … [groans,cheers and applause for Tommy’s trademarkcatch-phrase]
So I, uh, you know, I put my shirt on and I – I wentfor a hike and then – and then I fell down a glacier!Yeah, that’s it. Twenty thousand fee– er, miles!Yeah! … And I was frozen in the ice — to death. And the following Spring, I thawed out. And when Icame to, who do you think was next to me? AmeliaEarhart! Yeah. … Yeah, and I said, “Hey, Amelia,how ya doin’?” And she said, “Mmm, not good.” …’Cause her leg had been broken. But her plane had beenpreserved in the ice. And I said, “Well, if you let mefly your plane out of here, I’ll come back for you.”[confidentially] It was the only time I lied….
But I – I had to get out of there ’cause I was eatin’an apple– I mean, I had an appointm– I had anaudition. Yeah. … For “Boogie Nights” …Yeah, that’s it. Yeah, they, uh, they needed somebodyfor the last scene. … So I pulled my pants down andI said, “Eh, what do you think?” And they said,ehhhhh, “You’re overqualified.” … I said,”Oh, that’s funny — I was in a cold bath allday!” … Yeah, that’s the ticket. Yeah…
Norm Macdonald: Tommy Flanagan, everybody![cheers and applause, Tommy hesitantly shakes handswith Norm and exits]
The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market aPrincess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of themove has made some people very unhappy. Critics chargethat the doll is in poor taste and they’re even moreupset about the Franklin Mint’s other new offering —porcelain land mines. … You can play withthem together, if you want. …
[Photo of drummer Bill Berry whose thick dark eyebrowsappear to be connected] This week, a milestone in rockmusic. R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry has announced that heis quitting the band. Berry, who has been with R.E.M.for seventeen years, says the decision to leave wasentirely mutual, between himself and his gianteyebrow. … [scattered applause] They talked it overand they decided it was best for both of them.
[Photo of chubby talk show host Ricki Lake] A sadstory from the world of entertainment this week. Talkshow host Ricki Lake had to get rid of her dog Dudleyafter the pooch became too aggressive with her sevenmonth old son, Milo. A clearly saddened Lake said, “Itbroke my heart to get rid of that dog. But hewas delicious.” … [groans, scatteredapplause] She ate a whole dog! …
In aviation news, a new study suggests there might bemore survivors of plane crashes if all seats wereequipped with air bags. According to the study, thisis especially true for plane crashes under fifty milesper hour. … The other ones, it doesn’t do much good….
In Waukesha, Wisconsin, five grade school studentshave been charged with holding down a boy and givinghim a wedgie, tearing his underwear in the process…. The students now face three-day suspensions aswell as fines of up to one hundred and forty dollars.Meanwhile, the boy himself faces more wedgies.… [scattered applause]
In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs sixhundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to housearrest because he is too big for prison. According toprison officials, it took four inmates just to rapehim. … [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers]Huge man!
And, finally, when Richard Gere made his firstappearance recently on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” thetwo got along famously. But all that may change whenthe actor hears about this month’s Oprah Winfrey BookClub selection. It’s called “What Really Happened?” byRichard Gere’s gerbil. … [some disbelief mixed withapplause, cheers, boos] That’s crazy.
Okay, folks! That’s the news! Have a good -thing!
[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie. Music,cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WUgraphic.]
Announcer: And now, Colin Quinn explains the New York Times.
Colin Quinn: The New York Times. Everything that you need to know about our world is right here in this paper. But do we read it? No. We all want to be the kind of people that read it, and say to yourself, “I’m going to start reading the Times every day”. But instead, we buy People magazine and watch Hard Copy, and life slowly slips away, doesn’t it? But don’t worry about it, because that’s what I’m here for. I’ll read the Times for you every day and break it down.
Okay, on Monday, we’ve got the President and Paula Jones. You don’t even have to know anything about this story, except that it’s the saddest scandal in history, okay, because nobody even had sex. What kind of country is it when the President can’t get people to go to bed with him.
Alright, but look here, on Tuesday, on page A3, we’ve got this guy in upstate New York who’s giving everybody AIDS. What the hell is that! I mean, on one hand, you’ve got the President coming up to girls, “Hi girls, I’m the President.” “Ewww, who cares, get away from me!” Then this guy, “Hi, I’m a crackhead homeless drug dealer. Just blew into town. Who wants to have sex?” “I do! Me too! Me next!”
Now, on Wednesday, here’s the Metro Section, we have the Bloods in New York. The Bloods – a group of guys going around cutting people. Not even just other gang members – just because you’re wearing red. Just for wearing red, they’ll cut you. I’d hate to be a department store Santa this Christmas, you know what I’m saying? You’re standing out there, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry – Ow! Son of a bitch! He cut me!” And the real Bloods in the interview, they say that these guys are just wannabes. No folks – wannabes are the two kids in Salt Lake City who wear their Utah Jazz caps backwards and listen to the Wu-Tang Clan when their parents are in church. A posse on the subway slicing people up with box-cutters? I don’t know, that seems like gang members to me. And where have the Crips been during all this? You know, the Crips are like Pepsi – you think they fired their marketing guy?
Alright. Let’s go to Thursday in the International section. What is this constant conflict with Iraq, you ask. I’ll explain the whole Iraq-global politics thing to you. Iraq is that drunk guy at the party that nobody likes, he’s kind of a creep, and he picks you out to try and ridicule you, because mostly everybody likes you, you’ve got the cute girlfriend, you’re American, you know. But he’s got a beat on you, he knows you’re a bit of a hypocrite, he makes you paranoid. You want to punch him in the face, shut him up, but that would make you look bad. And your pals, England and France, are like, “Don’t do it. Don’t sink down to his level.” So you try to be a gentleman about it and say to Iraq, “C’mon, Iraq, let’s just agree to disagree.” He smacks your hand away. So, later that night, you key his car. Or, as actually it happened, you kill his son with a missile.
Alright. Friday – let’s check out today’s sports. The Jets and Giants are in first place. The last time that happened, alright, I had long hair, I was out of work, smoking a joint, listening to the Allman Brothers and talking about the Vietnam War. That’s right – the last time that happened was 1995.
Jon Lovitz: [ enjoying the applause received by the audience ] Thank yoooooooooooouu!! Well — [ coughes, accidentally belches ] Excuse me.. my lip has gas. Well, I’m thrilled to be back in New York, because I’m about to star on Broadway in a new one-man show entitled “Jon lovitz Is Jon Lovitz”. And you’re probably wondering, “Now, how did he get the part?” Well, I’ll tell you – I auditioned, like everyone else. Now, thousands of people showed up to audition; it was down to two people – me.. and Oprah Winfrey. Well.. Oprah got the part. But she could only commit for a month, so, then, I took over the role myself!
And what a show it is. Oh, we’ve got acting! Like this.. [ acting overdramatic ] “Oh, Mother.. Mother, I don’t feel good.. Mother, please! MOTHERRRRRRRR!!!” Acting! Thank you! [ audience applauds wildly ]
And we’ve got dancing.. [ shows off his magnificent comic dance moves ] Jealous?
And we’ve got.. singing.
[ SNL band backs up Lovitz ]
I’d like to dedicate this song.. to someone very special who’s here tonight. Someone who is the reason.. I get out of bed every morning.. and the person I love.. more than anyone else in the whole world.
[ wanders out into the audience, begins to sing ]
“Someday, when I’m awfully low –“
[ touches the cheek of a woman in the audience ]
How you doing?
“When the world is cold–“
[ points offscreen to another woman in the audience ]
Lookin’ good!
“I will feel a glow Just thinking of you –“
[ walks over to a monitor with an image of him singing, and points at himself ]
“And the way you look.. tonight.”
[ runs back on stage, where another monitor with his image on it waits ]
“Yes, you’re lovely With your smile so warm And your cheeks so soft There’s nothing for me But to love you And the way you look. tonight.”
We’ve got a great show! Jane’s Addiction is here! Yeah! Yeah! Jon Lovitz is here!
[ singing ] “So, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaaack!”
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Bill Gates…..Chris Kattan Ted Turner…..Will Ferrell Rupert Murdoch…..Jim Breuer
[“Men Behaving Badly” is on. Two men appear to play hockey in an apartment hallway.]
Man: Ready?
[The President logo cuts in.]
Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast of Men Behaving Badly to bring you this special announcement from the President of the United States. Bill Clinton: Good evening. My fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to discuss important recent developments in Iraq. At 7:20 this evening, Saddam Hussein sent a –
[The Microsoft logo cuts in.]
Announcer: We interrupt this message from the president to bring you this more important message from Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates.
Bill Gates: Hello, America! I just wanted to break into the airwaves to let everyone know I’m doing fine, despite heavy losses in a recent stock market crash, or “distraction,” as I refer to it. I must admit, it was my fault! I was trying to download a naked picture of Agent Scully and I hit a wrong key! Whoops! But, I took heavy losses as well. The other day, I had to use a coupon to buy a Monet! I was . . .
[The CNN logo cuts in.]
Announcer: This is Ted Turner.
Ted Turner: Hi everyone, I’m Ted Turner, owner of CNN, the Atlanta Braves, and Jane Fonda’s lover. No matter how big old Billy Gates docks, he still can’t get near what I just done, cause last month I gave one billion dollars to the United Nations. That’s right, I bought the sucker! Now maybe finally Zaire can get that superstation they deserve. I’m also talking with Peru about . . .
[Bill Gates cuts in. He angrily smacks a key, then turns back to the screen.]
Bill Gates: Don’t screw with me, Turner. Because in a simple keystroke of my computer, I can un-colorize all your colorized films. And with this key, I can un-colorize you!
[Ted Turner cuts back in.]
Ted Turner: TV is my world Gates, so watch your ass. [The screen suddenly turns black-and-white.] What? What the hell?
[Bill Clinton cuts in.]
Bill Clinton: And by giving Rhode Island to Iraq, we can reach –
[The News Corporation logo interrupts.]
Announcer: And now, a very important message from Rupert Murdoch.
Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Rupert Murdoch here. Got tired of hearing Gates and Turner squawking like chickens. You all know me, I own the Fox network. We produce such fine programs, as “When Animals Attack Porno Stars,” and I also just bought the Dodgers. Not because I’m trying to compete with Ted Turner, I just love baseball. Go send . . .
[Bill Gates cuts back in.]
Bill Gates: Turner, Murdoch, you make me laugh. You’re only worth, like, five billion apiece! I give out that much to trick-or-treaters! Why am I so rich? [whispers loudly] Because I get off on it! Now back your “president” as he finishes the speech I wrote for him last night when I was wasted.
[Bill Clinton shows up again.]
Bill Clinton: And there is no way you can tell me the dark side of the moon is better than exile on Main Street. [laughs] But you know, I love you man. Finally, I say to you, America, “Live from New York it’s” –
[Ted Turner cuts in.]
Ted Turner: No you don’t, Clinton, no you don’t! Live from New York, it’s –
Rupert Murdoch: Go to hell there Turner, go to hell! Live from New York, it’s Saturday –
Bill Gates: [giddily laughs] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”
Ted Turner…..Will Ferrell Shawn Southwick…..Molly Shannon Larry King…..Norm MacDonald Fran Drescher…..Cheri Oteri Al Pacino…..Chris Kattan Dennis Franz…..Darrell Hammond Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey Jane Fonda…..Ana Gasteyer
[Larry King and Shawn Southwick are having their wedding reception at Spago Hollywood in Beverly Hills. Ted Turner gets up to a podium at the table to speak, tapping on a glass with a piece of silverware.]
Ted Turner: Can I have everyone’s attention? Now when I hired Larry King to work for me at CNN, I never dreamed I’d be his best man at his wedding. So Larry, as your best man and boss, let me just say you’ll always be my friend as long as your ratings are good. And now may I present Shawn Southwick, the new Miss Larry King.
Shawn Southwick: Oh, thank you, Ted. As Larry’s wife, I just want to say how thrilled I am to have finally found the man of my dreams: a sixty-three-year-old balding Jew who’s been married eight times. Honey, would you like to say something?
Larry King: [He stands to the podium, hunched over as usual. All through his speech, he stands hunched over, switching positions from the right to the left when he switches topics.] Here’s my two cents, gang. Of all the great days in my life, this is gonna be one of the two or three greatest. Michael Jordan is better at basketball than he is at baseball. If you only see one movie for the rest of your life, it should be “Gattica.” I don’t care what anybody says, in my book Princess Diana’s death was a tragedy! Between Tylenol tablets and Tylenol jello caps, nothing beats Tylenol tablets! The more I think about it, the more I realize one of the great figures of the 20th century has to be Leonard Maltin! Is it just me or –
[Ted Turner stands up, tugging on his arm.]
Ted Turner: Okay, Larry, settle down, settle down. Fran Drescher’d like to make a toast, here. Come up here, Fran.
Fran Drescher: Larry, Shawn, congratulations. As you know, I am on the hit show “The Nanny,” but unlike the other nanny who’s been on TV lately, I didn’t kill any kids! [laughs annoying]
Ted Turner: Fran, you’re very annoying. Leave. Leave.
Fran Drescher: Oh, I’m scared! You’re the big bad wolf Ted Turner! [Fran leaves the area.]
Ted Turner: Al Pacino, would you like to say a few words? Come up here, Al.
Al Pacino: [talking gruffly] Okay. Thank you, Ted. Shawn, you’re a beautiful young woman. Hoo-hah! You just married Larry King. Look. [Starts snapping his fingers continually in front of his face, not blinking at all. Look at his eyes. Look. Look. Mouth. Tongue. [stops snapping] What the hell were you thinking?!
Ted Turner: Al, Al, Al, just calm down.
Al Pacino: I’m just getting warmed up! [waits a few seconds] I’m done.
Larry King: I’ve got a hunch that the internet is gonna be around for a long, long time, gang! Dr. Kelsey Grammer: one class act! Yours truly believes –
Ted Turner: That’s enough Larry, that’s enough. Get up here, Dennis.
Dennis Franz: Short and sweet. Larry King, where do you get off dating broads half your age? And in terms the looks way out of your league. You shower them with gifts, you shag them in hotels, and then before the pre-nups can take effect, you throw ’em on the street!
Larry King: Actor Dennis Franz –
Dennis Franz: Are you taking a tone with me? Because if you are, in the trunk of my car, I’ve got a hammer looking to bust up the only heart valve you only got that still works! [Larry King sits hastily.] By the way, great baked potato.
Larry King: Sudden thought: there is no better doctor in the world of medicine than Dr. Scholl. I don’t care what anybody says, I’m still not a fan of John Denver –
[Ross Perot enters.]
Ross Perot: Larry, can I get in here? Can I get in here for a minute, please? Can I finish, please, just for a minute? Could you just zip it for one second? Not your fly, zip the mouth, right now. [moves his hand up and down] See, there’s your jaw going like that, I want it to go like that. [shuts his hand] Any questions? That’s it. Is it all going over your head? Is it all just whistles and bells right now, is that it? Larry, why are you getting married, anyway? Has any woman ever removed these suspenders, trembling in anticipation? Has any woman ever seen you naked and said, “I gotta get me some of that!” Look at you. What are you, a hunchback? Lower that down. Take some tai chi. Look at you. You’re all cramped up. Up close, you are an odd looking bird, you know that? You must have made a deal with the Devil! Hell, “I’m gonna be on TV for 80 years, but I’ve got to go through life looking like a turtle!” Curves are nice on a woman, not on a spine. Check into a thing, it’s called a chiropractor. How are you? Anyway, listen, all I wanted – [He notices Larry has sat down.] That’s right, run away, run away, there you are. Quick impression of you right now – “What’s going on? What? Where am I? Where’s Ross Perot? Hey, why am I a turtle?” All I want to do is zoom zoom and a boom boom and a zoom zoom. That’s right. See, I’m hip. I’m keeping up with the young people. Can you even name a Hanson, Larry? I didn’t think so. Just a blank stare right there. There’s nobody home, all hollow up there. Shawn, quick impression of Larry on your wedding night. [starts snoring] I’m just kidding, Larry. I’m kidding cause I love you, that’s right. Now listen, you can go on with your little wedding, pushing wedding cake into his face and throw garter belts around – I’m trying to save our nation. Let me put it to you this way, folks. Please, this country’s in trouble. Let me just say, you can squat on a pit bull, but that don’t get you rhubarb pie.
[Ted Turner and Jane Fonda stare at each other, bewildered.]
Ross Perot: Can you follow me? Can anybody follow me?
Larry King: For my money, the best way to reach the operator is to dial “0”.
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond Michael Vale…..Jon Lovitz Director…..Will Ferrell
[ open on slow zoom on Michael Vale, dressed in Dunkin Donuts outfit, standing in front of a display of doughnuts ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts!
Director: [ off-screen ] Aaaaaand.. cut!
[ wide shot of full set, as Director rises to approach Michael Vale ]
Director: Alright! Excellent rehearsal. I think you’ve got it, and, uh.. let’s get ready to shoot this. Uh.. when you’re done, you cna start enjoying your retirement.
Michael Vale: Yeah! [ reflective ] Boy, I can’t believe I’ve been doing commercials – these ones – all these years, for fiften years now! Yeah, it’s been quite a ride.
Director: Yeah, well.. you did some good doughnut commercials. Okay? Uh, so.. let’s set up for the last take, everyone!
Michael Vale: [ deeply reflective ] Yeah, boy.. I mean fifteen years, okay? My character – Fred the Baker – well, he’s sure seen America through some tough times!
Director: [ calling out ] Hey, uh, Sid? Can we get some more light on these krullers?
Michael Vale: Boy, the Gulf War – just another “Time to make the doughnuts.” The rodney King beating – “Time to make the doughnuts.” Iran-Contra..
Director: That’s great, that’s great, Michael. Uh, when you’re ready, then we’ll roll.
Michael Vale: Boy, this is the end of something really big, you know? Now, is it me, or do you think people are going to want to see what happens to my character after he retires? I just think his story needs a little closer. Don’t you think?
Director: Yeah, sure. I mean, have fun with it, Mike, alright? Alright, let’s do this! Everyone, settle.. [ takes his seat ] Aaaaand.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: You know, for fifteen years, it’s been “Time to make the doughnuts.” And, now.. it’s time to die.
Director: Cut!
[ wide shot of full set, as Director rises to approach Michael Vale ]
Director: What’s, uh.. what’s going on over there, Mike?
Michael Vale: Well, you know, it’s that closure thing I was talking about, you know? Fred made his doughnuts, and now he’s going to go home and take his own life!
Director: That’s, uh.. that’s a little dark for a doughnut commercial, Mike. Uh, just go a little lighter, and we can get out of here.
Michael Vale: Boy,l it has been a wold ride hasn’t it?
Director: It sure has, Mike. Okay. Everyone ready? and.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts. Thousand of doughnuts all the same, just like people. Destined to be chewed up, pooped out and forgotten!
Director: Cut!
[ wide shot of full set, Director still seated ]
Director: Mike, we’re gonna need to go way lighter there, okay? Uh, what about a happy ending, you know? Just think of Fred retiring on a beach, or something..
Michael Vale: [ excited ] Oh, yeah, that could work! Let’s try it!
Director: Okay. Aaaaand.. action!
[ close-up shot of doughnut display ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re pu at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the doughnuts.. and then I’m retiring to Florida, with my hot little stewardess girlfriend! and, believe me, from now on, it ain’t gonna be doughnuts I’ll be eating!!
Director: CUT!!
Michael Vale: It’s a rap!
Director: No! No! No! It’s not a rap, okay?! Look.. I know this is a big day for you, but —
Michael Vale: Yeah! It’s been quite a ride.
Director: You know what? No, it hasn’t! Okay? You say one line, and you look kind of funny. That’s not a ride! So, say the damn line and hold up the doughnuts.. and that’s all the people want to see, we can get out of here!
Michael Vale: Oh, I see.. Well, you see, I don’t think that is all the people want to see!! [ angrily thrusts up the pan of doughnuts and knocks them to the floor ] Alright?! Now, they laughed along with his character for fifteen years, and now I think they want to see him die or get some tail!!
Director: Fine. I’m ot going to argue with you, okay? Everyone, we’re gonna take a break! And, then, the doughnut guy can do whatever he wants okay?!
Michael Vale: Good!
[ fade to black ]
[ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ]
[ fade back up to closed-up on the Dunkin Doughnuts set ]
Announcer: At Dunkin Donuts, you can always count on starting your day right. Because we’re up at the crack of dawn.
Michael Vale: Time to make the donuts. And time to get it on! [ bikini-clad blonde enters scene and is kissed by Vale ] Baby! [ looks over as Grim Reaper enters scene ] Oops.. time for me to go! See all you people in Hell! It’s been quite a ride, everybody!
Announcer: Dunkin Donuts. Start your morning right.
Air Date:
