SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci….Jim Breuer
Frank Sinatra….Phil Hartman
Michael Jackson….Tim Meadows
Debbie….Molly Shannon
Tough guy….Colin Quinn

(Opens with an Italian tarantella playing)

Announcer: Welcome to the Joe Pesci Show. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show]

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Hey, everyone! How are you? I´m Joe Pesci! Nice, huh? I´m all ready for Thanksgiving here. (turkey on the table, pumpkin pie) I got my turkey here, I got a little pumpkin pie here. I got my carving knife! (pulls out a monster knife) Hey, I got everything! Its The Joe Pesci Show! All right. Tonight I have a very special guest, ladies and gentlemen, straight outta the hospital, he´s feisty as ever. Please welcome, chairman of the board, Mr.Frank Sinatra´s here!

(Frank Sinatra wearing a bathrobe comes out smoking a cigarette and a drink on his other hand. An I.V. sticks out his arm and a beautiful nurse is behind him. Frank gets the I.V. off and sits down)

Frank Sinatra: That enough baby. My tank is full.(Nurse tries to put I.V. back in) Hey, sweetheart. Since when do you stick me? Take that contraption to the van and hold tight.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Oh, Frankie, how are you? Let me tell you something, folks. It is truly an honor to have you sit here…

Frank Sinatra: My time on earth is short, half-pint. I get the point. You bought my records, you love my movies, your favorite aunt used to lock herself in the bathroom with a picture of me and a jar of olive oil. You´re a fan! Next question.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. This guy, 80 years old. Still breaking my cojones over here.

Frank Sinatra: Don´t try to suck up to me by speaking the mother tongue. Last time I heard Sicilian I had to give Sam Giancana $200,000 of my Vegas money.

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. That´s really funny. Frank´s totally…

Frank Sinatra: Well, laugh it up, Mighty Mouse. This show´s worse than the one Dick Cavett had back when he wanted to kill himself. Man, that thing blew!

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh…

Frank Sinatra: Look at this jackass! He´s still yakking it up! You know, whose shoes did you had to shine to get this gig, Joey?

(Joe with a cigar on his mouth is angry but checks his anger)

Joe Pesci: You know, I´m gonna let that one slide because Mr. Sinatra here, hey, is a made man. And I don´t wanna end up buried in the end zone at Giant Stadium. You know what I´m saying?

Frank Sinatra: That´s right, you guinea Paul Williams. Hey, you folks know that? Joe Pesci big shot movie star used to be a shoeshine boy. Hey Joe, where´s your shoeshine box?

(Joe is fuming but lets it slide)

Joe Pesci: Let´s bring out our first guest, hey? Well, you´ve seen him a lot in the news lately. Please welcome, Mr. And Mrs. Michael Jackson. Bring ´em out here.

(Michael Jackson comes out with a veil covering his face, his pregnant “wife” comes behind him. He offers his hand to Frank to shake, Frank ignores him, Michael shakes hands with Joe. Michael and Debbie sit down)

Michael Jackson: (wimpy voice) Thank you. Hello, Joe. Hello, Frank.

Joe Pesci: So tell us, what´s going on? Is it really a bambino in there or what?

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, come on, sugarplum. Is this your handiwork or did you bring an independent contractor to finish the job?!

Michael Jackson: I don´t know why people just can´t accept the fact that I´m a heterosexual.

Joe Pesci: Oh, I don´t know, maybe cause they got eyes? You tell me…

Frank Sinatra: Maybe its because you keep turning boy scouts into millionaires!

Debbie: That´s unfair, Mr.Sinatra. That´s unfair.

Frank Sinatra: You know, I´d keep my trap shut if I were you, hot lips. You look awful familiar. I think I gave you a practice insemination in my dressing room at the Irvine Meadows back in 89!

Michael Jackson: You know Frank, you shouldn´t talk to Debbie like that. I love her, she´s my wife and she´s gonna be the mother of my child.

Joe Pesci: There´s only one way to settle this, Mike. What do you say? Lets see your sausage! What do you say?

Michael Jackson: What?

Frank Sinatra: He´s right, kid. You want to prove you´re innocent? Pull out that splotchy trouser mouse and let us check it for kiddie prints.

Michael Jackson: You have no right to say such horrible things. You greaseballs.

(Frank and Joe make “Oh” faces)

Joe Pesci: Oh, Mikey, Mikey…sound like you´re trying to be a tough guy in front of Dirty Diana over here.

Frank Sinatra: I think somebody´s gonna wake up tomorrow next to a chimp´s head.

(Joe gets behind Michael with a huge bat)

Joe Pesci: That is if he ever gets to wake up tomorrow.

(Joe whacks Michael in the neck. Michael falls on the floor. Debbie is alarmed. Frank gets up.)

Frank Sinatra: (mock singing) Don´t stop till he gets enough…

Joe Pesci: Its as easy as a, b, c. One! (whacks Mike) two!(whacks) three!(whacks)

Frank Sinatra: Get him now, shineboy!

Joe Pesci: I´ll give you shineboy! (Kicks Mike two more times) Shineboy! (Michael gets up and runs out) That’s it, that´s right. Go back to Neverneverland.

Debbie: Call me, Frank. (leaves)

Frank Sinatra: (scoffs) In your dreams. (sits) I´ll tell you Joe, that guy wouldn´t have lasted 2 minutes back in the 50´s. We would´ve pushed him off the roof of the Riviera, right?(grabs Joe´s arm)

Joe Pesci: Hey, watch the suit. Come on.

Frank Sinatra: What do you mean? Watch the suit? You know, I remember when you were a snot nose kid with a shinebox! I tell you folks, this kid used to make your shoes look like freaking mirrors! Salud, Joe.

Joe Pesci: No more shines, Frank. I don´t know if they ever told you up in Palm Springs but I don´t shine shoes no more. You know what I´m saying? Got a show and everything here.

Frank Sinatra: Joey, I´m just busting your horns a little bit. I haven´t seen you in a few years and I´m just joking around. Look, I´m sorry.

Joe Pesci: Look, I´m sorry too, Frank. Huh? I´m sorry.

Frank Sinatra: Now go get your shinebox!

Joe Pesci: You know what?! That is it!(gets up mad as hell) I don´t care who you are! You want a piece of me?!(grabs handfuls of turkey, throws it) You want a piece of me?! Come on, Frank! I take you—(Joe tries to get to a calm Frank jumping over his desk but two thugs grab him) Jesus, wait! Hey, Oh! Ow! (The two guys beat the hell out of Joe Pesci)

Frank Sinatra: All right, all right. That´s enough, show´s over! (spills his drink into the camera lens) Come on, turn it off! Hey, fellas! (two tough guys start punching the camera lens and break it) You! Get me another highball! I got a pinched nerve.

( Joe Pesci Show logo. Pesci is punch drunk over the couch)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Phil Hartman’s Monologue

… Phil Hartman

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, PhilHartman!

Phil Hartman: [reserved, genial, and lookingsharp in an expensive suit] Thanks a lot. Thanks alot. You’re very kind. [character voice] “I just flewin from Hollywood and, boy, is my full o’ craptired!” …

[normal voice] You know, uh, it is a pleasureto be back hosting Saturday Night Live, uh, I’ve beenso busy lately doin’ movies, talk shows, commercials.Hey, I’m not greedy. I’m just tryin’ to make ends meetlike you folks and just tryin’ to put bread on thetable, provide for my family.

I mean, your kids grow up so fast. I rememberthe day my son was born. I was doing an Arby’scommercial … and I got a message on the set thateverything went just fine but the second thatcommercial wrapped, I jumped a plane, flew backeast — to do another commercial for Hager slacks. …Yeah, I missed an important occasion but, with themoney I made from those two commercials, I was able tobuy my infant son a pair of colored contactlenses … and, now, he’s got beautiful greeneyes, just like the old man. Because it’s all aboutfamily. …

That’s why I did a Lorenzo Lamas movie for threemonths … so I could buy my daughter a panda bear –so that she could win Show-and-Tell. … Turns out youdon’t really win Show-and-Tell. … Bear diedafter a couple of weeks. Apparently, they only eatbamboo shoots. How was I supposed to know that?…

Oh, boy, but I’ll tell ya, I’m a lucky man, uh, butI’d be nothing without my lovely wife, Brynn. Ouranniversary’s comin’ up and I want to buy her adiamond necklace, just to show her what’s important tome: family, friends, good times–

[Cut to photo of Michelob bottle and glass of beer.SUPER: Family. Friends. Good Times.]

Announcer V/O: Michelob!

[Cut back to Phil at Home Base.]

Phil Hartman: That should cover thenecklace! … We got a great show! Bush is here![cheers and applause] Stick around — we’ll be rightback!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Lux 420 SL

…..Cliff Robertson
Crazy Person…..Will Ferrell

Cliff Robertson: Each individual demands a car built to meet their specific needs. Lincoln designed the “Towncar” for the businessman who demands luxury. Dodge, the “Caravan” for the family. And now we are proud to present the “Lux 420 SL” for crazy people…

(A CRAZY PERSON IS SEEN DRIVING MANIACALLY THROUGH A BICYCLE TRAIL.)

Cliff Robertson: The “420” has a fuel injection system taken from crashed flying saucer parts, it is also the 1st mid-sized sedan with disc brakes designed by nostradaumus. The “Lux 420” is also the safest car on the road…

(CUT TO A SHOT OF JESUS, ABE LINCOLD, AND “DR. ZAIUS”–“PLANET OF THE APES” FAME–ANALYZING THE CAR. JESUS IS SEEN SLAMING THE DOOR WILDLY.)

Cliff Robertson: …Top european scientists designed it that way. And with the built in car sink, you’ll be able to wash your hands every 5 minutes…

(CRAZY PERSON SEEN WASHING HIS HANDS WHILE DRIVING.)

Cliff Robertson: That’s not all, over 18 feet of trunk space (POPS TRUNK OPEN REVEALING A NUMER OF JARS.) allows you to store over 200 jars of urine safely. The “Lux 420SL”, the car your neighbor’s dog has been telling you to buy.

(CRAZY PERSON RUNS UP TO THE CAMERA WITH HIS PANTS DOWN, FREAKS OUT A LITTLE, THEN RUNS AWAY AND JUMPS UP INTO THE AIR, A JINGLE IS THEN SUNG BY A CRAZY PERSON.)

Crazy singer: (SUPER) “There’s a radio in my fingernail…CAR!”

Submitted by: Justin Kaplowitz

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Froonga

Friend…..Chris Kattan
Partygoer #1…..Tim Meadows
Partygoer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Partygoer #3…..Jim Breuer

[ open on partygoers playing a Jenga-like paror game with wine glasses ]

Partygoers: Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! [ cheer ]

Friend: Hey, guys, whatcha playing?

Partygoer #1: It’s Froonga! The exciting new game from Sweden!

Friend: How do you play?

Partygoer #2: It’s simple! You just take a piece of glass from the bottom.. [ demonstrates ] ..and place it on the top!

Partygoer #3: The one who topples the glasspile loses. Froonga!

Friend: Hey, can I play?

[ Friend pulls glass, knocking the structure to the ground; partygoers run away in panic ]

Announcer: It’s Froonga! The fun-time glass game! By the same people who brought you:

Silly Knife Ball – try and catch it!

And.. Flame Hat. He-ey! You head’s on fire!

In partnership with the folks who brought you:

The Tiny Tot Underwater Car.. Hammer Gun.. and.. Dam Sled – any dam will do!

From the makers of Volty, the electric tub duck.

And the Neck Tornado! In stores this Christmas.

Voiceover: Grelco! We make toys!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 23rd, 1996

Phil Hartman

Bush

None

Cliff Robertson

Rodney Dangerfield

Andy Murphy
O.J. TV Trial ReenactmentSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) causes shenanigans while being cross-exained in his latest trial.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Montage

Phil Hartman’s MonologueSummary: Phil Hartman discusses his many endorsement deals.

Transcript

Lux 420SLSummary: Cliff Robertson endorses the car for crazy people.

Transcript

House of CongressSummary: M-TV VJ Kincaid (Ana Gasteyer) rambles television nostolgia with Jesse Helms (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Kincaid, Jesse Helms, Ted Kennedy.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, a ga-ga Michael Jackson makes a play for little boys.

Texaco

NEA Thanksgiving SongsSummary: Members of the National Endowment for the Arts endure a series of Thanksgiving song auditions.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) give Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) a hard time.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson, Debbie Rowe.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Rodney Dangerfield comments on what it’s like to be 75 years-old.

Bush performs “Swallowed”

The Gossip ShowSummary: Hyper Julie Brown (Cheri Oteri) lets loose with government secrets.

Recurring Characters: Julie Brown, Liz Smith, Michael Musto.

Acting WorkshopSummary: Acting teacher Bobby Colsman (Phil Hartman) continues to verbally abuse his acting students while name-dropping his D-List celebrity friends.

Recurring Characters: Bobby Colsman, Troy, Brian Kelly.

Bush performs “Insect Kin”

Soldiers Not Coming BackSummary: World War II general (Phil Hartman) tells his soldiers that most of them won’t be coming back.

Transcript

FroongaSummary: The stacking wine glasses game is just the latest amusement from the dangerous Grelco product line.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Bob Dole

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe enthusiastic cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news! Our top story tonight:

Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racistremarks made by some of its top executives at a taperecorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change incompany policy: No more tape recordedmeetings!

Meanwhile, the U.S. Army is dealing with a scandal ofits own, as dozens of female recruits have chargeddrill instructors with sexual harassment,intimidation, and even sexual assault. Analysts arecalling it the best argument yet for gays in themilitary.

Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task forceto determine whether federal campaign finance lawswere violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both.Another task force will attempt to determine whetherAttorney General Reno is a man, a woman, orboth.

This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, MichaelJackson was married for the second time. Asked whatmakes his new bride special, the King of Pop said,quote: “She has taught me about the power ofimagination. Like imagining that a grown woman is aten year old boy.” [Mixed reactions from the crowd]… You know he’s a homosexual pedophile, right? Youunderstand? [cheers and applause]

And, yes, it is true, Michael Jackson is going to be afather. Already, he has hired an entire staff ofnannies, nurses and extra bodyguards, which hopefullywill protect the child from Michael Jackson.

This weekend, veteran news anchorman David Brinkleyapologized to Bill Clinton for an election nightcommentary in which he called the president, quote,”boring and uncreative.” Admitted Brinkley: “There wascertainly nothing uncreative about the way you movedVince Foster’s body.” [mixed and mild reaction fromthe crowd] … President’s a murderer, you didn’t knowthat?

Nicki Barcudas, a young woman whose wealthy familyowns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York,has won twenty-three million dollars in the New YorkLotto. This raises an interesting question: “NickiBarcudas, will you marry me?”

O. J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week,attempting to regain custody of his two children. Inorder to prove to the court how much he loves hiskids, O. J. pointed out, quote: “Hey, they’re stillalive, aren’t they?” … [mixed, mild reaction, thensome applause]

Demi Moore has wrapped filming on “GI Jane” in whichshe plays a Navy SEAL combat officer. Moore says thatin contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women inthe military, her character will have giantbreasts.

Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increasedhunting will be necessary to control the state’s blackbear population. Gee, I wonder if hunting would be theanswer if instead of overpopulation of black bears,there were an overpopulation of rich, old, white men.[Superimposed text reading “Applaud Now” flashes onthe screen, Norm grins and nods as the audienceapplauds] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder.

The New York City Transit Authority plans to put upsigns in subway stations asking city residents to bemore polite when getting on and off the subway. MostNew Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the newsigns will make excellent urinals.

Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at anunusually high risk for stress-related heart attacks.Also at high risk for stress-related heart attacks:deer!

In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing astory on violence at a local high school when he wasattacked and severely beaten by a gang of students.The assailants say they have nothing against thereporter, they just love irony.

Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra recovering from a boutof pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturdayto bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson woulddefeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay theten dollars, although later he had his people roughher up and take back the money.

Norm MacDonald: Well, just when youthought…

Bob Dole: [from off screen] Wait aminute!

Norm MacDonald: … things couldn’t get worsefor Bob Dole– [Bob Dole enters to cheers andapplause, surprising Norm] Ohhh…

Bob Dole: Hi, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: [self-consciously] I was just,I was just doing a–

Bob Dole: Yeah, I know that. You’ve had yourfun now, Norm, you’re out of work!

Norm MacDonald: What? I thought I’d just do ajoke about you. I had a little joke–

Bob Dole: Well, you have been doing those. I’vebeen missing a lot of ’em, but, ah, your fun’s over,the election’s over. Unless there’s a recount, you’reout of work!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, no! Okay, well, I guessthat’s it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something?How’d that be?

Bob Dole: Be all right with me.

Norm MacDonald: All right! Bob Dole, everybody!Good night, folks!

[Bob and Norm wave goodbye as the music and applausekick in. The men shake hands as we dissolve to theWEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna … Cheri Oteri
Craig … Will Ferrel
Dawson … Robert Downey, Jr.

[Exterior shot of a suburban bowling alley called”Bowler City” – the parking lot is full. Dissolve tothe interior where a father and son have just returnedtheir shoes to the clerk. Arianna and Craig, twoupbeat high school kids who want nothing more than tobe cheerleaders, enter frantically, wearing theircheerleading uniforms (with SPARTAN in red lettersacross their chests) and carrying their gear. They sittogether on a bench in front of some bowling balls anda banner that advertises the EAST LAKE BOWLINGTOURNAMENT.]

Arianna: Craig, it’s the bowling team’s firstbig tournament of the season and we’re late!

Craig: Arianna, I can’t burn rubber on alearner’s permit. Especially in my dad’s DodgeDuster.

Arianna: Well, Sammy Hagar can’t drivefifty-five, he’s gotta go faster. Why can’t you?

Craig: Sammy Hagar got kicked out of VanHalen.

Arianna: You’re right. Safety first.

Craig: [looking toward the lanes] Oh! Dawson’sabout to pick up a spare.

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us.

Craig: Let’s do it!

[They rise and go into a cheerleading routine:]

Both: Hey Skippy!
Your lane is made of peanut butter
‘Cause all of your balls are stuck in the gutter!
The Spartans show you how to bowl
Like Ike and Tina, we’ve got soul!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling down the river
Doo doo doo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Bowling down the river!
Stop spousal abuse!

[Applause. They sit back on the bench.]

Arianna: Craig, did you watch Party ofFive last night?

Craig: No, it conflicts with my Nick at NiteMork and Mindy reruns. Oh! I found a great pairof rainbow suspenders to wear to the Mork and Mindyfantasy convention.

Arianna: You know, some people say I look likePam Dawber.

Craig: Pam Dawber wishes. Nanu nanu. Uh oh.Alexis alert, lane seven.

[Arianna stands and converses with her off screenclassmate.]

Arianna: Hi, Alexis. What’s with the dirtylook? Yeah, these are your bowling shoes. No, I don’thave to take them off. Because you are not the boss ofme! [repeats several times, Craig stands up] Why don’tI buy you a Fresca so you can wash down your selfishpill? … I’m sorry, too. Call me!

[Craig and Arianna sit.]

Arianna: Dawson’s ball is spinning like aTasmanian devil!

Craig: He delivers a strike! We’re back in thegame.

[They rise and go into another cheerleading routine:]

Both: Yeee haw!
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches
And it really, really itches.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do.
Flame it, flame it
Funky jam it
Shake it, bake it
Country ham it!

Craig: The Spartans are cookin’!

Arianna: And I helped!

[They both sit.]

Craig: Arianna, you’ve got a piece oflint.

Arianna: Oh, could you get it for me?

[Craig pulls a white sock out of her collar.]

Craig: [horrified] Oh, my God! Oh, my–Arianna, you’re stuffing your sports bra! Why?

Arianna: [distressed] Craig, please don’t judgeme. It’s just that I’m hot for Dawson — but he’stotally hot for girls who are a C cup or more.

Craig: It’s what’s in here [points to herhead], not what’s out here. [points to her chest]What’s up here, [points to her head] not down there.[points to her chest]

Arianna: Oh God, Craig, I feel like theTitanic, I’ve sunk so low.

Craig: Hey, sock it to me.

Arianna: Aw, Craig.

[Arianna pulls out the other sock and hands it toCraig.]

Craig: Oh, Dawson.

Arianna: Dawson!

[Craig and Arianna rise to greet Dawson who enters inbowling attire.]

Dawson: What are you two doing here? Arianna,you look different. What’s wrong?

Craig: It’s not what’s wrong. It’s what’sright.

Arianna: Yeah, Dawson. My name’s Arianna, not”aureola.” Look here [points to her head], not here.[points to her chest] Here, [points to her head] nothere. [points to her chest]

Dawson: Uh huh. Hey, uh, why don’t you giveback that sweater to a girl who can fill itout?

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: You take that back! Take thatback!

[Craig and Arianna attack Dawson, grabbing him andbeating him up.]

Dawson: Take what back?

Craig: Hey, what’s an “aureola”?

Dawson: It’s a colored ring, sometimes calledthe vasicola postule.

Arianna: More commonly known as thenipple.

[Dawson starts to cry. Craig and Arianna stop roughinghim up.]

Craig: I’m sorry, Dawson. I guess I didn’trealize my own strength.

Dawson: Don’t worry, Craig. You punch like mylittle sister. I’m crying because I am ashamed ofmyself.

Arianna: What gives, Dawson?

Dawson: I do respect the female in all hersplendor, but my dad encourages me to be macho, achauvinist if you will. He’s on his third wife andhe’s very hairy.

Craig: [sympathetically] I’ve got backhair.

Dawson: I’d never tell my dad this but I evenwanted to be a Spartan cheerleader.

Arianna and Craig: [sadly] So did we.

Dawson: Arianna, I’m sorry for what I’ve said.You’ve got it going on, girl.

[Craig and Arianna exchange happy glances.]

Arianna: Hey! Who’s that Spartan respectingme?

Dawson: It’s me.

Craig: And me.

Arianna: Hey guys, check me out. Looks likeI’ve got a great pair of–

Craig and Dawson: Huh?!

Arianna: — friends.

Craig and Dawson: Ohhh.

Dawson: Oh, hey, I gotta run, you guys.

Arianna: Where you going, Dawson?

Dawson: I’m going to tell my dad to cancel myPenthouse subscription. From now on I’m going to startthinking from here, [points to his head] not here.[points to his crotch] Here, [points to his head] nothere. [points to his crotch, exits]

Arianna: Bye, Dawson!

Craig: Looks like Dawson bowled a perfectten.

Arianna: Hey, that reminds me of a joke. Knock,knock.

Craig: Who’s there?

Arianna: The perfect cheer!

[Craig starts up his boom box and we hear 95 South’s”Whoot, There It Is”]

Boom Box:
Excuse me sonny, do you know where I can find somebooty?!
Whoot, there it is (Yeah you say it)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah I like that)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah a little louder)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah come on)
Whoot, there it is (Come on, come on yeah)
Whoot, there it is (I like that come on)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah, baby baby)
Whoot, there it is (Come on)

[Craig and Arianna do a routine in which Craig feedssnacks to Arianna and then performs the HeimlichManeuver on her, causing the snacks to pop out of hermouth. They both dance off. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Shopping At Home Network

Don West…..Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis…..Chris Kattan
Ron…..Robert Downey, Jr.

[ open on Don and Eddie working the Shop At Home Network broadcast ]

Don West: Alright, we’re back here at Shop At Home Network! Don West here, with my partner Eddie Lewis.

Eddie Lewis: We’ve been selling things like crazy today! It has been a madhouse here at Shop At Home!

Don West: It certainly has! Hey, Ron! What have we got here next?!

Eddie Lewis: What we’ve got here, Ron?!

[ Ron enters ]

Ron: Well, folks.. if you are a Shaquille O’Neal fan.. and you are looking for the ultimate Shaquille O’Neal collectible, then you are looking at an incredible deal!

Eddie Lewis: Alright, let me get this straight! Now.. this is a.. Shaq.. Plaque! Is that right?

Ron: That is right!

Don West: Before we go on, I gotta ask you a question! You got a Shaq Plaque here.. with eight collectible cards, all mounted in mint condition – keep in mind, on the plaque!

Eddie Lewis: [ casually points to a Shaq poster on the wall ] Hold on a second here.. what is this over here..?

Don West: I don’t know what you’re doing there, Eddie..

Eddie Lewis: Is that a poster of.. Shaq?!

Ron: Oh yes, it is.

Don West: That’s not included, is it?!

Ron: It.. absolutely.. is!

Eddie Lewis: [ aghast at the thought ] Hold on!! He’s flying through the cloud!

Don West: [ freaking out at Ron’s audacity ] You can’t include that!!

Ron: I am including it!

Eddie Lewis: Now, this was never discussed!!

Don West: We’re giving away way too much here!!

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second!! What’s the price on this?!

Ron: This is a $600 value.. I’m gonna sell it $99.95.

Eddie Lewis: What?!!

Don West: What?!!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t do that!!

Don West: Wait a second!! What you’re saying – the Shaq Plaque.. plus the poster!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah, hold on!! H-he’s flying through the air!! He is not on the court!!

Ron: I know! It’s crazy! The man can’t fly! It is Shaq! and it’s $99.95.

Don West: You can’t do this!!

Eddie Lewis: Get out of here!! Get him out of here!!

Don West: You get out!! [ Ron is shoved off the set ] This is a deal we did not want to happen!

Eddie Lewis: It’s too late! Folks! You got the number on your screen – 1-800-555-0123.. [ the phones begin to ring like crazy ] If you’re having trouble getting through on the phone, keep trying!!

Don West: We are so backed up with calls-

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second.. wait a second.. [ touching the cards on the plaque ] You can’t remove these cards from the plaque, can you?

Don West: No, you can’t! There is no way!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t remove the cards..?

Don West: There is no way you can rmeove the cards..

Eddie Lewis: Hold on here.. uh.. [ casually removes one of the cards from the plaque ] I-I just took the card off the plaque.

Don West: [ outraged like a sonofabitch ] WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: You mean you can take the Shaq cards off the Shaq Plaque if you want to?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.. you can take the cards off..

Don West: This is TOO much!!

Eddie Lewis: [ nearly speechless ] The phones are ringing.. I can’t stop the phones!! The cards can ome off!

Don West: The poster’s STILL here, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Shaq’s still in the air, he’s flying over there!!

Don West: Ron, how many do we have left?!

[ Ron re-enters the set ]

Ron: You’re not gonna believe this.. we’ve got about four left.

Don West: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET OUT!!

Don West: GET OUT!!

[ Ron is shoved off the set ]

Eddie Lewis: The phones are ringing!!

Don West: I’m going out of my mind!!

Eddie Lewis: I think I’m gonna have a heart attack right here!!

Don West: Eddie, you’re not gonna believe this – Kirk Cameron just called.. and he even can’t get through!!

Eddie Lewis: Folks, we’re talking.. Kirk.. Cameron.. here! Kirk! I’m having a heart attack..!!

Don West: I’m going out of my MIND!!

Eddie Lewis: Tell you what – I’m gonna make this all easy on us! [ holds a gun to his head ] I’m gonna shoot myself in the head, because I cannot TAKE THIS MADNESS!!

Don West: Folks, this is no joke! That gun he’s holding – can we get a CLOSE-UP of this shot?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! We’re gonna go to that view!

[ cut to close-up of Eddie pointing the gun to his head ]

Don West: This is from the “Dirty Harry” Collectible Series.. it does not fire, but he will find a way to make it work!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! If Shaq can fly, I will kill myself WITH this replcia gun!! Which we’ll be selling later this half-hour! Now, Ronnie! How many plaques do have left?!!

Don West: We’ve got about three left.

Eddie Lewis: YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!

Don West: GET OUTTA HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!

Don West: The phones are ringing, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Can you stop them by chance, so I don’t have to kill myself?!!

Don West: Hey, I’d hate to lose you, buddy, but I can’t do a thing..

Eddie Lewis: MY GOD!!

Don West: This poster’s still included!!

Eddie Lewis: He’s still flying through the air!!

[ Ron casually re-enters scene with soem news ]

Ron: Just sold the last Shaq Plaque.

[ phones stop ringing, as everything turns back to normal ]

Don West: And.. they’re gone.

Eddie Lewis: They’re gone. [ drops the gun ]

Don West: Okay.

Eddie Lewis: Moving on.. what do we have next, Ronnie?

Don West: What have we got, Ronnie? Whoa!

Ron: We’ve got a.. limited-edition.. “Star Wars” Collector Plates series, coming up!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Robert Downey, Jr.’s Monologue

…..Robert Downey, Jr.

Robert Downey, Jr.: Thank you very much. Good evening. Wow, it’s great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”. I was actually a cast member on the show ten years ago, and, in case you’re wondering why I’m hosting, well, actually, I’ve been invited back as part of their “Distinguished Alumni” series. Anyway, things are good with me.. you know, basically just been the same old same old. I did have a really interesting summer, though. In fact, I’ve brought some slides of what I did on my summer vacation. Would you like to see them?

Well, it wouldn’t be Summer without hosting a barbecue..

[ show picture of Robert at the grill with a cop ]

Yeah.. here’s me picking up a little prescription from my pharmacist..

[ show picture of Robert picking up package from grungy guy in front of a fence ]

..and here’s me and my personal trainer..

[ show picture of Robert being frisked by a cop afterwards ]

That guy works me hard, he really does. But it’s worth it when you take off your shirt at the beach, which is where I was going in this next picture..

[ show picture of Robert being arrested by two cops ]

Yeah, you know.. you go with your buddies in the car pool lane, it’s sweet. And here’s me at Disney Land..

[ show Robert posed with Mickey Mouse ]

This next one’s of me when I stayed at this terrific guest house in Malibu..

[ show picture of Robert sleeping in tiny baby bed ]

It’s actually two doors down from my own house. But, you know.. anyway..

[ show picture of car with the hood blown off ]

Whoops! how’d that get in there? That’s from Kelsey Grammar’s summer vacation.

And finally what would summer be without a hot summer romance?

[ show picture of Robert in jail cell with a fellow inmate ]

Well, that was my summer. I made some new friends, got to visit a lot of interesting places.. We’ve got a great show, Fiona Apple is here. So stick around. we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Milsford Pure Spring Water

…..Tom Bodet

Tom Bodet V/O: Spring water the way it oughtta be – fresh and clear. Milsford Pure Spring Water. There’s no other bottled water with a history as rich as Milsford.

You see, it all started with the two towns of Milsford and Dunnbee.. and the creek that rna between ’em. Both towns lay claim to the creek and its pure spring goodness. But the simple folks of Dunbee came up with the idea to share the riches of the creek, and bottle the water so folks all around could enjoy it. The townsfolks of Milsford had another idea – to destroy Dunbee and kill all the kindly folks who lived there. And that’s just what they did. Armed with knives and bullwhips, they crossed the creek in the middle of the inght and took after the innocent people of Dunbee. It only takes an extra-special water to turn neighbor against neighbor. When they were finished, most of the town of Dunbee lay dead.. in the pure water of Milsford Springs. Then, they set their dogs to finish off the wounded. The screams of the gentle people of Dunbee being savagely eaten alive could be heard up and down the banks of Milsford Springs. Along toward eveinng, the surviving Dunbeeites were herded into work camps.

Hard to believe that was over 107.. days ago. You probably heard about it on the TV.

Milsford Pure Spring Water. A rich history that you can relive with every sip. Milsford. Not Dunbee.

SNL Transcripts