SNL Tonight

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Flintstones Names

…..John Goodman

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a public service announcement from the producers of “The Flintstones”.

[ dissolve to John Goodman dressed as Fred Flintstone on rock set ]

John Goodman: Hello. I’m John Goodman. Those of you familiar with “The Flintstones” have probably noticed that the characters often have names involving stones and rocks, such as Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble, and even Mr. Slate. Obviously, this can be quite disconcerting to viewers here in the 20th Century. So I’m here tonight to uexplain the key to understanding Flintonstones names. You know, it’s actually quite simple. You see.. you just take a name, add the word “stone” or “rock” to it, and.. [ snaps finger ] presto! You’re a citizen of Bedrock!

[ holds up rock slab with “Roseanne Arnold” on it ] For example, my good friend Roseanne Arnold, in the Flintstones world, would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Roseanne Arnstone. Understand?

[ holds up rock slab with “Eric Johnson” on it ] While, if your name were Eric Johnson, you would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Eric Rockson.

[ holds up rock slab with “Lewis Bowen” on it ] And Lewis Bowen would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Louis Boulder. You get it! It’s that simple!

[ holds up rock slab with “Sharon Stone” on it ] Now, if Sharon Stone lived in Bedrock, her name would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Sharon Miller.

[ holds up rock slab with “Stone Phillips” on it ] While newsman Stone Phillips would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Jason Phillips.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky Marciano” on it ] Rocky Marciano, if he were still alive, would be known as.. [ flips slab over ] ..Rocky Johnson.

[ holds up rock slab with “Chris Farley” on it ] And our own Chris Farley would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Chris Rock.

[ holds up rock slab with “Tony Curtis” on it ] Actor Tony Curtis, in the world of The Flintstones, would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..Bernie Schwartz.

[ holds up rock slab with “Oliver Stone” on it ] And, finally, Oliver Stone would be known as.. [ flips slab over ] ..Rock McStoneyrock.

[ holds up rock slab with “The Rolling Stones” on it ] Now.. The Rolling Stones would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..The Who.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky” on it ] The movie “Rocky” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..”Rocky 2″.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky 2” on it ] “Rocky 2” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..”Rocky 3″.

[ holds up rock slab with “Rocky 3” on it ] And “Rocky 3” would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..The Rocky Horror Picture Rock”.

[ holds up rock slab with “Hamburger” on it ] A hamburger would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..a brontosaurus burger.

[ holds up rock slab with “Brontosaurus” on it ] While a brontosaurus would be.. [ flips slab over ] ..a triceratops.

[ holds up rock slab with “Triceratops” on it ] A triceratops would be.. [ flips slab over to reveal a drawing of a triceratops with passengers ] ..a city bus, and people would ride on its back!

I hope this clears things up. [ holds up rock slab with “John Goodman” on it ] I’m John Goodman, or you can call me by my Flintstones name.. [ flips slab over ] ..John D. Rockefeller.

Thank you.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a public service announcement. But you can call it “a stone service rock.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

New York Governor’s Debate

Glenda Bach…..Melanie Hutsell
Gov. Mario Cuomo…..Phil Hartman
Robin Quivers…..Ellen Cleghorne
Howard Stern…..Michael McKean
Voice of Stern Supporter #1…..Jay Mohr
Voice of Stern Supporter #2…..Chris Farley
Reporter…..Sarah Silverman
Gary Dell’Abate…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Live from the Empire State Civic Center in Albany: the 1994 New York Gubernatorial Debate. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. Here is this eveing’s moderator, Chapter President Glenda Bach.

Glenda Bach: Thank you. We have with us, tonight, the two major candidates for the office of Governor. It is my great pleasure to introduce the Incumbent: Gov. Mario Cuomo.

[ Mario Cuomo very seriously steps up to his podium ]

Glenda Bach: And now, the Libertarian candidate, making his first run for public office..

[ Robin Quivers suddenly appears over Glenda’s shoulder ]

Robin Quivers: That’s alright, I’ll take it from here. Hi, I’m Robin Quivers! Ladies and gentlemen, the King of All Media, Creator of Fart-Man, and the next governor of New York – Howard Stern!

[ Howard Stern enters the arena, holding out his arms to receive the riotous applause from his loyal fans and supporters, then steps behind his podium ]

Howard Stern: Alright, very good! Thank you, Robin! Thank you all for turning up – nice turnout!

[ Mario Cuomo sighs ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern..

Howard Stern: Yeah, it’s Howard, honey – what is it?

Glenda Bach: It’s customary to begin with the opening remarks from the Imcumbent.

Howard Stern: For him? Yeah, alright. JUst, uh.. just make it snappy, huh? I’m a busy man!

[ Robin laughs sycophantly at Howard’s comments ]

Glenda Bach: Fine. Governor Cuomo?

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Brenda. My decision.. to run a third time as Governor of the state of New York.. was prompted by my convictions-

[ Howard Stern begins to laugh rudely at Cuomo’s use of the word “convictions” in a sentence; Robin joins in laughing along with Howard ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, I’ll have to ask you to wait your turn?

Howard Stern: Yeah, I know, but, listen – I heard him talking about “convictions”, I gotta laugh! I mean, if the guy had any convictions, ah.. you know, he’d be putting murderers in the gas chamber! Where they belong!

[ Robin can’t help but to laugh, as though on command ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern!

Howard Stern: Just stuff them all in there at once, make their parents watch!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing like crazy ] Oh, Howard..!

Howard Stern: Come on, it’s all in my book!

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, please! This is the Governor’s time!

Howard Stern: Alright, don’t get your panties in a bunch! Let’s let him talk.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you. ..The conviction.. that our work is only half-done.. Now, we’ve made great strides economically.. socially..

Voice of Stern Supporter #1: We love you, Howard!!!

Voice of Stern Supporter #2: Stern rules!!! Woooooo!!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ annoyed ] ..and politically.. to bring this great state.. back into the high.. position of prominence that it-

[ Howard Stern interrupts with a belch, as Robin laughs ]

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ tries to continue ] ..The high position of-

Howard Stern: I don’t know what is wrong with my stomach!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ still trying ] ..The high position of prominence that we once–

Robin Quivers: Well, what did you eat today?

Howard Stern: The same thing I eat every day: a broiled chicken breast – no skin – and a baked potato.

Robin Quivers: Oh, wow! Did you have any coffee?

Howard Stern: I don’t drink coffee!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing ] Well, then I don’t know!

Howard Stern: I don’t know, either!

Glenda Bach: Governor Cuomo, the time allotted for your opening remarks is up.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Well, Glenda, that’s not fair. I’ve been interrupted continuously by Mr. Stern from the very beginning – now, you know that!

Howard Stern: Ah, don’t be such a crybaby! Let me show you how it’s done! Hello, I’m Howard Stern, I’m the Libertarian candidate. I’m here to touch on three things! One: bring back the death penalty, so we can get rid of some of this human garbage that we got wandering around the streets! Uh, Two: do something about these freakin’ potholes I gotta drive over on my way to work! And Three, something I feel very, very strongly about: The new Strawberry-Kiwi Cocktail from Snapple! [ holds up a bottle ] Really. This stuff is so good, I-I-I can’t even describe how good it is! Here, take a slug, Mario! [ Cuomo holds his hand up in resistence ] Come on, taste it, it’s good, you’ll like it, it’s delicious, go ahead!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ takes a sip, seeming to find it refreshing ] It’s very good.

Howard Stern: Alright, so you’re not a complete jerk!

[ Robin laughs like a hyena ]

Glenda Bach: That completes our opening remarks. We will now take questions from the audience. [ looks to the sea of reporters ] You have a question.

[ an attractive female reporter stands ]

Reporter: Yes, I do. Phyllis Comfort, Newsday. What would you propose..

Howard Stern: [ excited ] Oh, man! You are hot! You got a hot little body on you, you know that? Turn around, let me see you from the back, honey!

Reporter: Actually, I’m here to ask a question.

Howard Stern: Well, if I get the right answer, will you take your top off? [ laughs ]

Reporter: The Teachers’ Pension has been frozen at its current rate since 1990. As governor, what action would you recommend in this matter?

Howard Stern: I, uh..

[ Howard’s producer, Gary Dell’Abate, steps up to Howard’s podium ]

Gary Dell’Abate: How-howard..?

Howard Stern: Yeah, what is it, Fafa Fooie?

Gary Dell’Abate: Howard.. the car’s here to take you to Hartford. Um.. you’re doing a funeral for the WXRM morning man you destroyed.

Howard Stern: Alright, alright, very good. Uh, thanks, everybody, for turning out, I gotta go! Listen, I got a couple of plugs, a couple of plugs here! Uh.. you can catch Jackie The Joke-Man at The Comedy Pouch, in Newark, this Friday and Saturday.. don’t forget to order my new video – 1-600-52-HOWARD.. and, uh.. oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Psychotic Cab Ride

Man…..John Goodman
Cabdriver…..Rob Schneider
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Officer…..Michael McKean

[ open on exterior footage of New York City streets – Night ]

[ couple enter cab ]

Man: 86th and Broadway, please.

Cabdriver: Alright.

[ meter starts running ]

Cabdriver: You guys like movie trivia.

Man: Uh.. sure. [ his wife giggles ]

Cabdriver: Okay. We all know Richard Harris starred in the movie “Camelot”, but who starred in the original Broadway production?

Woman: That’s easy – Richard Burton.

Cabdriver: Uh-huh. And how did he die?

Woman: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Run down by a cabbie!

Man: [ surprised ] Really?

Cabdriver: Alright. What movie, and who said it: “Round up the usual suspects.”

Man: Uh.. “Casablanca”, and.. Claude Rains.

Cabdriver: That’s right. And how did he die in real life?

Man: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Slain by a cabdriver! [ a beat ] Here’s a good one: what two Olympic champions play Tarzan in the movies? I’ll give you a hint – they were both cut in half by an insaner cabdriver.

Man: [ starting to get worried ] You know, I-I-I think we’re gonna get out here.

Cabdriver: No, no, we’re not there yet! Hey, you guys actors?

Couple: NO!!

Cabdriver: It’s too bad. I’d have you sign my book. [ a beat ] Okay. Here’s one: What was the North American location for the filming of “The Ten Commandments”, and what was the occupation of the man who buried seven bodies there?

Man: [ uncomfortable ] W-we really don’t know..

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] You’re gonna kick yourselves when I tell ya! The location was Niagrara Falls, and the psychotic killer burying the bodies was a cabdriver! So, you guys heading to a party tonight?

Man: We’re gonna see my friend’s band play at a club.

Cabdriver: You like music, huh? Here’s some music trivia: An original back-up singer for The Shirelles, suffocated in the trunk of what vehicle? What vehicle?

Woman: [ hesitant ] ..A taxi..?

Cabdriver: Bingo!

Man: We’re here! You can let us out now —

Cabdriver: I can’t let you out now – we’re on a roll. Let’s go around the block. Alright, this is a toughie: “Hair”. She starred in the Broadway musical and the movie. She also escaped from a deranged cabbie’s taxi after he tried to kill her with carbon monoxide fumes. She crawled six blocks to a phone, where she called the police. What was her name?

Man: I’m not sure, but you’re really gonna have to let us out.

Cabdriver: I’ll give you a clue – I’m the one who tried to kill her!

Woman: [ scared ] We don’t know! Just please let us out!

Cabdriver: [ chuckles ] Bonnie Franklin! [ stops cab ] Alright, here we are – 86th and Broadway.

Man: We’re nowhere near 86th and Broadway.

Cabdriver: Okay, have fun now.

Man: Okay.

Cabdriver: Alright..

[ Man attempts to pay the cabdriver’s fare ]

[ waves his hand ] Ah, this one’s on me. My pleasure! It was nice chatting with you guys! You guys are real trivia experts!

[ dissolve to exterior, police precinct ]

[ dissolve to interior, couple filing report with Officer ]

Officer: He didn’t tell you anything else?

Woman: No..

Officer: Where the bodies were buried, or anything like that?

Woman: No..

Officer: Alright, I just got one more question: Who played the original Timmy on “Lassie”.. and from what precinct was the police officer who fileted him and cooked him in his own juices?

[ close-up of Officer’s face, as he turns to the camera with a sinister smile ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Michael Bolton: In His Own Words

Michael Bolton…..Kevin Nealon
Nat King Cole…..Tim Meadows

[open on Michael Bolton sitting on stool on a stage]

Announcer: Candlelight Records is proud to present…

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “My Girl”]
“I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.
Oh, when it’s cold outside
I’ve got the month of May..”

Announcer: The master of romantic songwriting…

Michael Bolton:
“I’ll.. bet.. you’ll.. say
What could make me feel this way?”

Announcer: Michael Bolton sings…

Michael Bolton:
“My girlfriend
My girlfriend
I’m talking about my girlfriend
My girlfriend.”

[dissolve to CD cover with image of Michael Bolton: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton”, and title below CD cover: “20 Original Michael Bolton Songs”]

Announcer: “In His Own Words–The Original Songs of Michael Bolton,” twenty original Michael Bolton songs, not just performed by Michael Bolton, but written by Michael Bolton himself, with no help from anyone else. Songs so unique and personal, they could only have been written by Michael Bolton.

[dissolve to Michael Bolton on stage with title: “Respectt,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “Respect”]
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
Find out what it means to me me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T-T
Find out what it means to me
Respect-t, just a little bit
Respect-t..”

Announcer: Including, “I Heard it Through the Bushes.”

[title: “I Heard it Through the Bushes,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”]
“You should have told me yourself
That you found somebody else
Instead I heard it through the bushes.”

Announcer: And much, much more. All with that unique Michael Bolton songwriting touch that says, “This song was written by Michael Bolton.”

[title: “E-F-G,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

Michael Bolton: [to the tune of “A-B-C”]
“E-F-G
Oh, it’s easy as 1-2-3
Oh baby, come dance with me
E-F-G
1-2-3
Baby, you and me.”

Announcer: And Michael’s classic duet with his father, Nat King Cole.

[title: “Inforgettable,” and smaller title below: “Copywright 1994 Michael Bolton”]

[black-and-white inset of Nat King Cole appears]

Michael Bolton and Nat King Cole: [to the tune of “Unforgettable”]
“Inforgettable
In every way
Inforgettable
That’s what they say.”

[dissolve to previous CD cover]

Announcer: Act now, and you’ll get the Michael Bolton album that changed music as we know it: [CD cover appears, with psychedelic band, covering previous cover] “Sgt. Michael Bolton’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Call 1-600-BOLTON-WROTE-IT8. [title with phone number] Operators are standing by. Every minute you waste, Michael is writing new songs. He can’t stop.

[dissolve to Michael Bolton sitting with a keyboard]

Michael Bolton: I’m Michael Bolton. I can prove I wrote every one of these songs. How? Because I never listened to any other music in my life, and I hope you won’t either. [winks] [picks out “Happy Birthday” on keyboard and nods approvingly]

[title and voice over by announcer: “All proceeds go to the Michael Bolton Defense Fund”]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 7th, 1994

John Goodman

The Pretenders

Jan Hooks

New York Governor’s Debate

Howard Stern (Michael McKean) and company make a mockery of gubernatorial
debate against Mario Cuomo (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Mario Cuomo, Howard Stern, Robin Quivers.

John Goodman’s Monologue

Goodman ‘fesses up to his mother about the naughty things he did as a child.

Majestic Caribbean Cruise Line

(Repeat) See: 04/09/93.

Captain Jim & Pedro

Dad (John Goodman) meets with the formerly shipwrecked Captain Jim (Tim Meadows)
and Pedro (Adam Sandler) before letting them date his daughters (Melanie Hutsell,
Sarah Silverman).

Recurring Characters: Captain Jim, Pedro.

NRA’s American Sportsman Today

Ron Wood (Mike Myers) and sportsmen mercilessly kill wild animals.

Recurring Characters: Ron Wood, Rush Limbaugh, Charlton Heston.

The Pretenders perform “Night In My Veins”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

David Spade comments on rock bands that don’t play their well-known hits at concerts.

Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol

Arkansas state troopers help pick up girls for Governor Clinton (Phil Hartman).

“Cops” features domestic disturbance call to Arkansas governor’s mansion.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Theatre Stories

Kenneth Rees Evans (Mike Myers) spaces out while interviewing his guests.

Recurring Characters: Kenneth Rees Evans, Christopher Walken.

Ninja Pep Talk

Ninjas try to retool their attack strategy after a failed evening.

Philadelphia Action Figures

(Repeat) See: 02/05/94.

Michael Bolton: In His Own Words

Michael Bolton (Kevin Nealon) presents more plagerized hits on new album.

The Pretenders perform “I’ll Stand By You”

Flintstones Names

Goodman converts famous names into their “Flintstones” format.

Psychotic Cab Ride

Cab driver (Rob Schneider) scares couple (John Goodman, Julia Sweeney)
with trivia about killer drivers.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

93r: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
Operaman … Adam Sandler

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusseswith his papers as his image continues to rotate onthe screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view ofKevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.Now, our top story:

This week, seven top tobacco company CEOs testifiedbefore a congressional health committee. Theexecutives said they believe nicotine is NOTaddictive. They also testified that asbestos is a goodsource of fiber. …

The president of the American Tobacco Company saidcigarettes were no more dangerous than Twinkies. Helater clarified his statement, saying what he meantwas that Twinkies have a longer shelf life than mostcigarette smokers. …

In a related story, this week marked the 64thanniversary of the Twinkie. To commemorate theoccasion, Hostess proudly displayed the very firstTwinkie which is expected to reach its expiration datesometime next year. …

Yesterday, Bill and Hillary Clinton paid fourteenthousand six hundred dollars in back taxes, plus theinterest on an unreported 1980 sixty-five hundreddollar investment profit. Using a familiarexplanation, the president said he profited but hedidn’t invest. … [hardly anyone laughs] Ah.

A movement was started this week in support of theMenendez brothers under which money would be raised tohelp get the brothers out of prison and send them onan all-expense-paid trip to Singapore. …

Kevin Nealon: Weekend Update would like tooffer this editorial opinion right now. [superimposedtext reads: Subliminal Editorial] In Singapore, publicflogging by law is one hundred years old. DickClark. And, frankly … I was stunned to thinkthere was any place on Earth where a teenage boy couldbe stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks.Neverland Ranch. Admittedly … some convictedfelons deserve to be beaten. Leona Helmsley.But some say justice must be satisfied. But who getssatisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped?Rick James. Others say … this acts as adeterrent but no one can predict the future.Hillary Clinton. Yes, the boy admitted to spraypainting cars but he’s only eighteen and young peopleoften do stupid and impulsive things they laterregret. Shannen Doherty. I happen to think …that everyone’s entitled to one mistake. EuroDisney. And I’m not saying there aren’t … thosewho I’d love to see get a good flogging. Urkel.It’s just that … I’m afraid we’ve become soinsensitive that we’ve learned to accept the idea of aman’s beating in public. Pee Wee Herman. Let’shave some compassion … [cheers and applause]Remember– No, I’m just saying, you gotta– Remember,justice should be tempered with mercy. These wordsfrom a wise man — Bazooka Joe — should be ourwatchword. … And hopefully, before long, this boycan go on with his life and his story will beyesterday’s news and long forgotten. DebbieGibson. Thank you. … [cheers and applause]

In other news, several brands of discount crayons,recalled last week due to high levels of lead, will beput back on the market and sold as pencils….

And, in Hollywood, actor Dudley Moore and longtimegirlfriend Nicole Rothschild tied the knot today, justa few weeks after he was accused of beating her. It ishis fourth marriage and her first beating. …

Kevin Nealon: And now here with a look at somecurrent events is Weekend Update correspondentOperaman. Operaman?

[Cheers and applause for the tuxedo-wearing,long-haired, handkerchief-wielding opera singer. Hesings his entire commentary in a hybrid of English andmock Italian, set to opera and opera-like melodies.Just like at the opera, a superimposed text clarifiesthe singer’s words.]

Operaman: [sings, to piano accompaniment]
Grazia, Kevin, grazia.

[image of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
Bill and Hillary make dinero
On the cattle
Vince Foster murdered right
Before he tattle …
Shame on you-ah
Por Whitewater
Una more mistako

Leprechaun Lick-ah your daughter …

[image of building in Singapore]
Operaman vacacione
In Singapore
Spray paint grafitti
Now mi buttcheeks are sore …

[image of 1040 income tax form]
Dat time of year-a
Tax time es here-a …
Mucho lira
Disappearra …
No deductions
Don’t get discourgi
I found out you can
Write off 976-ORGY …
Yahoo!

[image of former basketball player “Magic”Johnson]
Senore Johnson!
El coache!
Teacho shooto
Teacho bounco
Justa promise
[image of Johnson wearing broadcast announcer’sheadset]
No more announco …

[image of magician David Copperfield and model ClaudiaSchiffer]
Copperfield!
Coppa-feelo! …
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo …
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh …

[Cheers and applause as Operaman pulls a stuffed bunnyfrom his pants, tosses it away. Image of musical guestPearl Jam — instead of another aria, Operaman’s nextitem is an operatic parody of Pearl Jam’s song”Evenflow”]

Eeyo zama dama dingy dong
Operaman’s a big Pearl Jam fan-o
[image of Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder]
Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo
Eddie Vedder’s even better
Looking in person-o
Eeyo zama dama ding dong
I wish he didn’t have a girlfriend-o
Oh, no-a!
Eeyo I’m not saying I’m gay I’m just saying therecomes a time in every man’s life when he questions hisown sexuality!…
Oh no!

[cheers and applause]

I like-a to sing for you!
Dat’s-a-no lie!
Operaman, Bye Bye

[Huge cheers and applause. Operaman is pelted withroses.]

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies andgentlemen!

[Kevin wipes tears from his eyes, rises and claps,saying “Bravo! Bravo!” etc. Operaman smells roses,waves, saying “Oh, yes!” “Thank you!” and “Grazi!”Kevin sits. Operaman exits.]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.Queer. That was great. …

Albany, New York has proposed a bill to change all its”dead end” street signs to the more genteel “cul desac.” In a related action, New York City will changeits “dead end” street signs to “Nice going. Nowyou gotta turn around, you stupid bastard.”…

Well, Mattell announced this week they’ll beintroducing a new Nancy Kerrigan doll. They said aTonya Harding doll is also in the works. Well,actually, it’s not a doll, it’s an action figure….

Actor Timothy Dalton has decided to quit playingSecret Service agent James Bond in the movies. Theannouncement reportedly left producers shaken, notstirred. … With Dalton stepping down, the search forthe new James Bond is on. Leading contenders includePierce Brosnan, Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell… or federal judge Jose Cabranes who would be thefirst Hispanic James Bond. …

New evidence this week was found. Scientists areexpected to use it to replace the old evidence….

The NASA launching of the world’s most sophisticatedstate-of-the-art weather satellite has been delayedthis week because of bad weather. [few laughs] More onthat story as it develops.

In art, the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam hasdiscovered nineteen previously unknown works by theDutch artist that he apparently printed over — orpainted over. The works were found by X-raying thecanvases and reflect a simpler, earlier technique andstyle of painting. [image of comic strip charactersNancy and Sluggo] …

Taking a look now at the national picture– [Kevinturns to glance at a map of the United States] Yeah,there it is. …

Female condoms went on sale here this week in theUnited States. The female condom is said to preventpregnancy by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass…. [applause]

And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner fornaming his nightspot “Club Madonna.” The club ownerhas filed a countersuit claiming “Club Madonna” is notthe name of his club but simply a suggestion. …[applause]

And now our final story. Doctors say the cure forbaldness may be held in a prostate drug. The onlyknown side effect? A hairy ass. …

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to betaking notes with a pencil on top of the Update deskas we pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Poker Billy

Spaniard…..Rob Schneider
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows
Dapper Gentleman…..Mike Myers
Dealer…..Phil Hartman
Poker Billy…..Emilio Estevez
Guitarist…..Michael McKean
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Drunk…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ]

[ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]

Spaniard: I fold!

Black Guy: I’m out.

Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!

Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?

Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]

Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!

Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.

Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]

Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!

Poker Billy: Really?

Dealer: Yes.

Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?

Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Poker Billy was a gambler
Poker was his game.
He never figured out the rules
But he loved it just the same.
Now, sometimes Bill got lucky
As morons often do.
But luck don’t make a difference
When you havn’t got a clue.”

[ pan back to the card game, table now back on its legs ]

Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?

Black GuyI’ll take two.

Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.

Spaniard: Three, por favor.

Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?

Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!

[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]

Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!

Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?

Poker Billy: You holdin’ out on me? I said eight!

Dapper Gentleman: Uh, listen, Billy.. in Five Card Draw, you-you can’t have eight cards. It’s sort of a Five Card Draw tradition, you see.

Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]

Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Now, ignoramus is a word
That’s often overused.
But in the case of Poker Billy
I think you’d be excused.”

Bartender: “Special classes –“

Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”

Bartender: “Special teachers –“

Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”

Bartender: “Special doctors –“

Guitarist:
“– Shook their heads
and Billy’s parents ran away.”

[ pan back to the card game, table back on its legs again ]

Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?

Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.

Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]

Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!

Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.

Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!

Spaniard: Here we go!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ]

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Bartender: [ singing ]
“I’d like to emphasize a point
we’re making it this song.
Even though it’s very clear
We’ve gone on way too long.
Say he’s stupid.”

Guitarist: “Now, you got it!”

Bartender: “Not a genius.”

Guitarist: “Not at all!”

Bartender: “Lobotomy.”

Guitarist: “I wouldn’t doubt it!”

Drunk: “I think his brain is very small – yahoo!”

[ pan back to Poker Billy, talking with Jenny ]

Poker Billy: Jenny?

Jenny: Mmm-hmm?

Poker Billy: Who do you like better, me or Texas Jim?

Jenny: Why, Billy, you’re my ace of spades, and Texas Jim’s just a thre of clubs! [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: What exactly are you sayin’?

Jenny: Well, Billy, you’re my royal flush, and he’s just a pair of deuces. [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: I still don’t get it, Jenny, help me out here.

Jenny: Bily, listen carefully: I love you with all my heart! You could say I’m your Queen of Hearts! Get it!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ reaches over to overturn the table ]

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: “He’s very stupid.”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Not too bright!”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Stupid, stupid!”

Together:
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
He’s the stupidest guy who ever played the gaaaaame!!”

[ Poker Billy ambles over ]

Poker Billy: Come back soon, Poker Billy!

Guitarist: That’s you, Billy.

Poker Billy: Oh, yeah.. right.

[ pan out and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Emilio Estevez’s Monologue

…..Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez: Thank you. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s been a great week, I’ve got a new movie out – “The Mighty Ducks 2”!

[ audience applauds ]

Thank you very much. You know, a lot of people still remember me from my earlier work. Uh, I hate to use the term, and as much as I’ve tried to forget it – I used to be a member of the Brat Pack.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Do you remember “The Breakast Club”, “St. Elmo’s Fire”? Teen angst, blah blah blah blah blah! Well, a lot of people always ask me what happened to the Brat Pack, so I figured I’d catch you up.

Now, of course, everyone knows what happened to Rob Lowe in the last few years. That’s right, he was in “Wayne’s World”. But did you know that Ally Sheedy had 17 kids, each with a different husband? She lives in San Diego now.

And Molly Ringwold, or, should I say, Mr. Marvin Ringwold? That’s right, Molly had a sex-change operation. But she — he — still has the loveliest red hair.

And, uh.. let’s see, who else, uh.. Judd Nelson! He disappeared six years ago. We’re not sure what happened to him.

Uh.. Anthony Michael Hall. In jail.

Andrew McCarthy. Also jail.

And Demi Moore. She married some guy – in jail.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Pearl Jam’s here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler
…..Emilio Estevez

Announcer: If you’re thinking of going away this summer, why not let the Herlihy Boy take care of your grandmother? Out of an estimated 5 grandmother sitting services in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe camera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me drive your grandmother to the store. Please? Let me drive her to the store. She can’t drive a car. She wants to go to the store. Why not let me drive her there?

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy drive your grandmother to the store!! That’s all!! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’ve you been? Oh, that’s nice. Let me comb your grandmother’s hair. Please let me comb her hair? Her hair gets so knotty and messy. A good combing could fix that. And I could give her that combing. I’ll make her look real proper like. Please? Let me comb her hair.

Mr. O’Malley: [ pleading loudly ] Let the boy comb your grandma’s hair! Hair is in the dear woman’s eye, she can’t see her grandchildren! Let him comb it back! Dear Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’s thing? Oh, yeah, you did? That’s great! Let me give your grandmother a abth. Please? You know she needs a bath. Why not let me give her one? I swear, I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’ll just scrub her back with a big sponge. I won’t scrub her front. That’s a promise. Unless she asks me to. Please, let me give your grandmother a bath.

Mr. O’Malley: [ outraged ] Sweet jumping MARY AND JOSEPH!! Let the boy give the old lady a BATH!! You knowq she’d give HERSELF a bath if she could!! But she CAN’T!! So let the boy DOP IT!! You think she LIKES smelling that way?!! For GOD’S SAKES, have some COMPASSION!! Good.. Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. Let me shave your grandmother’s beard. Please? You can see all those granny hairs coming out of there. You know that’s not right. Come on. She didn’t live 83 years to end up with a beard. Please. Let me shave it off.

Mr. O’Malley: [ more outraged ] For the LOVE of GOD!!Let the boy — [ stops mid-pose, turns to Herlihy Boy ] I just gotta say one thing before I go on.

Herlihy Boy: Yeah?

Mr. O’Malley: If you shave the woman’s beard off, it’s just gonna grow back in two weeks’ time. Doubly as thick. Whereas, if you wax the beard, you got at least three, four months before the next sprouting! Might be something to think about!

Herlihy Boy: Okay. Wax, wax.

Mr. O’Malley: That’s using your head, son. [ returns to his stance ] Let the boy WAX your grandmother’s BEARD!! Is that beard doing anybody any good at all?!! Dear Lord!! All it’s doing is making everybody SICK!! GET RID OF IT!!!

[ Emilio Estevez steps forward ]

Emilio Estevez: Hello. I’m Emilio Estevez. Look, the beard’s gotta go. I haven’t even seen your grandmother, but I’ve got a visual going on in my head, and I swear to God I’m about to yak! So, lose the beard. Seriously.

Mr. O’Malley: This Emilio kid makes a good point. Everybody’s stomach is queasy just thinking about the old woman’s beard! While we’re standing here yapping about it, the beard continues to grow! So, just let the boy wax it! Edn of story! [ rambles incoherently ]

Herlihy Boy: Let me marry your grandmother. Please. I’ll make a good husband. Come on. I’ve already seen her naked in the tub. So why not let me marry her? That’ll make me your grandfather. I’ll pull a quarter out of your ear and give you butterscotch candy. Please? This is your grandpa talking. Let me marry your grandmother.

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy marry your grandma! Who cares what people think?! Age difference, schmage difference!! Lordy bagordy! Just let love take its course! And give this marriage your blessing!! Is anybody listening?!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg. My grandmother-sitting track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley and Emilio Estevez reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service. He loves your grandmother because he is your grandmother. I don’t know what that means.

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Emilio Estevez

Emilio Estevez: Thank you for joining us! Hope you enjoyed the show! Special thanks to Eddie and Pearl Jam!

[ Eddie Vedder opens his jacket to place his palm on a “K” on his t-shirt over his heart, in tribute to the recent suicide of Kurt Cobain ]

[ the crowd cheers ]

SNL Transcripts