SNL Tonight

Rock For Michael

Frank Gifford…..Phil Hartman
James Taylor…..Kevin Nealon
David Pirner…..David Spade
…..Steven Tyler
The Proclaimers…..Mike Myers, Norm MacDonald
Snoop Doggy Dogg…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Dre…..Ellen Cleghorne
Eddie Vedder…..Adam Sandler
The B-52’s…..Rob Schneider, Julia Sweeney, Melanie Hutsell
Meat Loaf…..Chris Farley
…..Joe Perry

Frank Gifford: Good evening, I’m Frank Gifford. The sports world was rocked this week by the surprise retirement of Michael Jordan. In a last ditch effort to get him to change his mind, some of the biggest names in music have come together to record a hastily put together benefit song. Ladies and gentlemen – “Rock For Michael”.

[ cut to recording studio, littered with various recording artists ]

James Taylor: [ to “Fire And Rain” ]
“I’ve seen Magic, and I’ve seen Bird
I saw Kareem retire, but I never said a word.
But I always thought I’d see you play one more time again.”

David Pirner: [ to “Runaway Train” ]
“Runaway Mike, better come back
Got season tickets, can’t get my money back.
Don’t you know you’re so crowd pleasin’
Won’t you stick around one more season?”

Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play for the fans, and play for the cheers.
Play the Sonics, play the Knicks, too
Even the Celtics
We’ll still root for you!”

The Proclaimers: [ to “500 Miles (I’m Gonna Be)” ]
“I’ve seen you score
500 points
I want to see you score
500 more.
Just to be the man
Who could say he saw a man
Score 1,000 points
On the basketball floor.
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael, hey!
Michael, ho!
Michael Jordan!”

Snoop Doggy Dogg: [ to “Who Am I? (What’s My Name?)” ]
“Bow-wow-wow!
Yippie-yo, Yippie-yay!
Keep Jordan in the mother [ bleep ] house!”

Dr. Dre:
“Michael Jordan
Where you think you’re goin’?
With your tongue hangin’ out
And your bald head showin’!”

Snoop Doggy Dogg:
Don’t you know
You’re in a higher class?
So come on back
Before I pimp-slap your [ bleep ]!”

Eddie Vedder: [ to “Even Flow” ]
Even.. please don’t quit yet!
Even.. you’re the best dribbler!
Even.. who’s Pippen gonna pass to?
Even.. golf is so boring, oh, yeah!”

Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play against Isiah, play against Laimbeer.
Take the basketball ,throw it through the hoop
Do a 360
And slam an alley-oop!”

The B-52’s: [ to “Love Shack” ]
“If you stop playing, you’ll get as big as a whale!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!
Michael! Don’t forget your endorsement money!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!”

Meat Loaf: [ to “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” ]
“Michael, sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”

Eddie Vedder:
“I gotta know right now!

Meat Loaf:
“Let him sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”

All: [ to “Dream On” ]
“Play on, play one more year
Bulls can’t win without you
It’s very, very clear.
Play on!
Play on..!”

Steve Tyler:
“..Play on, Michael!
Michael, we want you to keep playing, and..”

Steven Tyler & Joe Perry: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

History’s Great Over-Thinkers

Host…..Jeff Goldblum
Thomas Edison…..Phil Hartman
Orville Wright…..Adam Sandler
Leonardo DaVinci…..Rob Schneider
Albert Einstein…..Mike Myers

[ show title card ]

Host: I.. I think so. [ looks up and notices the cameras have begun to roll ] Ahhh, hello! And welcome once again to “History’s Great Overthinkers”. Tonight: our distinguished guests are.. [ camera pans across each guest as their name is called, and they acknowledge the camera with a nod ] ..Thomas Edison.. Orville Wright.. Leonardo DaVinci.. and Albert Einstein. Arguably, the greatest overthinkers.. of all time. Tonight, I thought we’d start our program with the inventor of motion pictures, the phonograph and the light bulb – a true genius and great overthinker – Thomas Edison.

Albert Einstein: Well, I certainly-

Host: [ interrupting ] But, then I thought.. [ clears his throat ] ..why not begin with Albert Einstein? After all, he may be the greatest pure thinker in history. So, it would stand to reason that he’d also be the best over thinker. So, why not begin with him.

Albert Einstein: Vell.. in Germany-

Host: [ interrupting again ] But, then I thought.. uh.. maybe we should save our big gun for later, or maybe we could do an entire show on just Einstein himself – he’s certainly worthy of an entire show. So, why not start off with the inventor of the first self-propelled, manueverable airplane – Orville Wright. Orville?

Orville Wright: It’s a pleasure to be here-

Host: [ interrupting ] Ah.. I’m sorry, Orville – would you mind if Leonardo goes first?

Orville Wright: Uh.. no..

Host: ‘Cause, see, I was just thinking the audience might enjoy seeing Leonardo first, since he’s such a famous artist. And.. I also thought that an artist’s ideas should be set apart from three scientists’ ideas.. which makes me, uh.. think.. I-I should definitely save Leonardo for last.. Uhm Mr.. Edison.. why don’t we start with you? Mr. Edison, what was the most promising invention you ever backed out of.. because of overthinking?

Thomas Edison: Well, I had an idea for a car that runs on water.. but then I thought there already was a car that runs on gasoline.. and maybe the ideas were too similar. Of course, gasoline’s more scarce than water, but, although at the time, i-i-it wasn’t scarce at all–

Host: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. now I’m thinking I should have let Leonardo talk first, and just trusted my intuition. I was originally afraid of the fact that Leonardo doesn’t speak any English – might be distracting to the audience – but now I-I think it’s endearing. Leonardo? Why don’t you start first?

Leonardo DaVinci: [ mumbles in Italian ] The.. eh.. invencionne..

Host: [ interrupting again ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. we’re out of time. I’m so sorry.

Leonardo DaVinci: Non potempo?

Host: Uhh.. no. No. This has been “History’s Great Overthinkers”. We usually come on Tuesdays at 6:30 PM, but then we thought that most people eat at 6:30 – and it’s more a weekend kind of show, anyway – so we thought we’d move to Sundays at 8:00 PM.. but then we thought, that might confuse people too much with the change.. so we thought we’d split the difference, and come on Tuesdays at 6:00 AM. Then we thought, you know, that’s.. that’s so early.. and nobody’s up that.. that early. So, we finally went with a Wednesday time, around midday..

[ show title, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue

…..Jeff Goldblum
Male Audience Member #1…..
Female Audience Member #1…..Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member #2…..Dave Attell
Male Audience Member #3…..Jim Downey
Female Audience Member #2…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Male Audience Member #4…..Norm MacDonald
Male Audience Member #5…..Tom Davis
…..Laura Dern

Jeff Goldblum: Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you very much! [ laughs ] It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” – really. I had a great summer.. of course, I was in that movie “Jurassic Park”. [ audience applauds ] I don’t know.. thank you! and.. I guess a lot of you have seen it.. because, as of last week, “Jurassic Park” surpassed, uh.. “E.T.” to become the highest-grossing movie of all time. [ audience applauds ] So, I guess the guy who made “E.T.” must be kind of bummed right now! Yeah.. I heard E.T. phoned home, and he didn’t get an answer because everyone was out watching “Jurassic Park”! [ laughs, notices Male Audience Member #1 standing ] Uhh.. sir? Yes, yes.. you have a question?

Male Audience Member #1: I thought you were great in “Jurassic Park”.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, thank you.

Male Audience Member #1: Was it scary working with all those dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. well.. no, not really.. you know, I’d act afraid.. but they weren’t real dinosaurs, they were just a combination of, uh, you know.. computer animation and animatronic puppets. [ acknowledges Female Audience Member #1 standing ] Yes?

Female Audience Member #1: Yeah, uh.. what did you feed the dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles in disbelief ] Well.. well, the dinosaurs didn’t eat anything, because, as I’ve just explained, they’re not real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #2 ] Yes. Yes, you have a question?

Male Audience Member #2: The Tyrannosaurus Rex is really incredible – that was real! Right?

Jeff Goldblum: [ trying not to laugh ] Is this a joke?! No, no, no! The Tyrannosaurus Rex, like all dinosaurs, has been extinct for 65 million years. None of the dinosaurs in the movie were.. real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #3 ] Yes..?

Male Audience Member #3: Um.. I’m thinking of taking a vacation in Jurassic Park, uh.. what’s the best time of year to go?

Jeff Goldblum: Well, there’s no such place as Jurassic Park.. I’m an actor, that was all pretend and.. y-you know? Don’t you get it? [ laughs, acknowledges Female Audience Member #2 ] Yes? Uh. Miss?

Female Audience Member #2: Were any dinosuars hurt in the making of this movie?

Jeff Goldblum: Maybe I’m not making myself clear.. Listen – once and for all – none the dinosaurs were real, they were all special effects. They don’t exist! Okay? [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #4 ] Yes?

Male Audience Member #4: Yeah, I, uh.. read that some of the dinosaurs in that movie were, uh.. were fake! That, uh.. that true?

Jeff Goldblum: Yes! Fake They were fake!

Male Audience Member #5: I-I liked “The Fly”.

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, uh.. thank you very much. [ audience applauds ] Do you have a question.. do you have a question about the movie “The Fly”?

Male Audience Member #5: Um.. yes, I do. Um.. were the dinosaurs in “The Fly” real?

Jeff Goldblum: [ laughs ] There weren’t any dinosaurs in the mvoie “The Fly” – and, even if we wanted to put dinosaurs in the movie, we couldn’t have, because they are extinct, they don’t exist.. do you udnerstand?

Male Audience Member #5: [ confused ] Well, w-what movie am I thinking of, where there were real dinosaurs..?

Jeff Goldblum: I-I don’t know.. “Jurassic Park”, probably..?

Male Audience Member #5: Yes! Yes, that’s it! Now, those dinosaurs were really scary!

Jeff Goldblum: [ gives in to the compliment ] Thank you very much! Okay.. last question.. is there one more question..?

[ Laura Dern stands up in the audience, to wild applause ]

Laura Dern: Yeah, I have a question. So.. do oyu rmeember, uh, when we were in the jeep and the T-Rex attacked us? God! Weren’t you scared it was gonna eat us?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles glibly, who is he to argue with Laura Dern? ] Yes, I was. Very scared. Thanks. Okay, we’ve got a great show for you, Aerosmith is here! Um.. dinosaurs don’t exist, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Dance Club

Joe…..Jeff Goldblum
Jaimie…..Julia Sweeney
Club Owner…..Kevin Nealon
Bandleader…..Mike Myers
Screaming Fat Guy…..Chris Farley

[ open on interior, swanky dance club, people on the dance floor and crowded at the bar. Joe and Jaimie sit at a table near the dance floor. ]

Jaimie: Don’t you love this place?

Joe: Oh, yeahhh.. yeah.. it’s great.

Jaimie: I come here all the time!

Joe: Oh, yeah?

[ Club Owner steps up to the table ]

Club Owner: Hey, Jaimie – can I get you and your friend a drink?

Jaimie: Oh, nothing for me – Joe, would you like anything?

Joe: No, no.. I’m fine.

[ Club Owner walks away ]

Jaimie: Oh, I love this place. He’s a great guy.

Joe: Oh, yeah?

Jaimie: Hey, do you want to dance?

Joe: [ hesitant ] Oh, no no no no.. no, thanks..

Jaimie: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!

Joe: No, no.. I can’t dance, and, uh.. you know, there’s too many people here and-

Jaimie: So what? Nobody’s paying attention to you!

Joe: No, really.. I d-don’t like to dance..

Jaimie: Come on, no one’s looking at you! come on, let loose!

Joe: No no no no no! You go! Dance with other guys, I don’t care..!

Jaimie: No, no! Come on, Chicken!

Joe: No, no, stop it.. don’t cal me that..

Jaimie: No, once you start, you’ll love it! Come on! Come on!

Joe: Okay..

[ Joe allows himself to be dragged onto the dance floor by Jaimie, and proceeds to dance by swinging his outstretched arms back and forth in the air ]

Jaimie: That’s great! You’re doing great!

Joe: Really? Really? [ now enthusiastic about dancing ] Okay!

Jaimie: That’s great! Get into it!

[ others dancers begin to laugh at Joe ]

Joe: Are those people laughing at me? They’re making fun of me! Look at this, they’re making fun of me!

Jaimie: Don’t be paranoid! No one’s making fun of you!

[ the other dancers begin to mimic Joe’s dancing style ]

Joe: Well.. I’m sitting down.. I-I don’t want to do this..

Jaimie: No! What’s wrong?

Joe: This is what I’m talking about.. this is what I don’t like..’

Jaimie: Joe, you’re being paranoid!

Joe: Well..

Jaimie: You’re dancing! Don’t be so self-concious! Come on!

Joe: You think I’m being paranoid.

Jaimie: Well.. yes.

Joe: It’s just that I hardly ever dance.. I know.. [ laughs ]

[ band stops playing ]

Jaimie: Hey, the band stopped playing.

Joe: What’s going on?

[ Bandleader steps up to Joe and Jaimie ]

Bandleader: Hi. Excuse me, sir. Is.. is there anything the band can do to help?

Joe: [ confused ] Are you talking to me?

Bandleader: Yeah. Are we throwing you off, or something?

Joe: Nooo.. there’s nothing.. no..

Bandleader: Ohhh.. okay, I understand now. It must be the.. other sixty people here that are off-rhythm. Okay, I’ve got it.. okay, great! Sorry. Sorry to bother you. [ walks away ]

Joe: Am I really that off..?

Jaimie: No, no..! He’s kidding! He’s kidding!

Joe: You’re sure..?

Jaimie: Yeah! Just forget it!

Joe: Okay..

Jaimie: Come on, now get into it!

Joe: Okay!

[ Joe begins doing his awkward dance, as a Screaming Fat Guy runs into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everyody! Come on, let’s do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: Oh, that’s it, I’m not dancing any more.. that’s it!

Jaimie: Wait a second! Wait a second! What’s wro-ong??

Joe: Everybody’s making fun of me now! I-I-I-I..

Jaimie: Oh, so the whole world revolves around you??

Joe: No, the dance is an imitation of me!

Jaimie: No, it isn’t!

Joe: Well, they’re doing it, and they’re calling it.. “The Idiot”. you know? I’m done! I’m not dancing.

Jaimie: Haven’t you heard of the Twist, or The Hustle? This one’s called The Idiot! They’re not all about you!

Joe: Well, then.. how do you explains these masks they’re wearing?

[ Joe points to a couple of guys dancing like him, while wearing wearing black-and-white portraits of his face over their heads ]

Jaimie: Well.. maybe that means they.. like you. It’s a tribute!

Joe: [ dumbfounded ] A tribute?

Jaimie: It’s a tribute, yes!

Joe: Oh.. okay! [ laughs ]

[ Club Owner holds a camera in front of Jeff as he dances awkwardly ]

Club Owner: Okay, smile for me right here.. come on! [ Joe smiles, the camera clicks ] There we go!

Joe: What’s that picture for?

Jaimie: I don’t know, I..

Club Owner: It’s just a little advertising for the club!

[ a couple of employees drag a huge poster into the room, it reads “Come Watch This Idiot Dance!”, with a square empty space where Joe’s picture is placed ]

Joe: Ohhh, yeah.. Hey, you know, Jaimie, ths is great. I never really danced before and gave it all I have!

Jaimie: Oh, well I’m glad you like it!

Joe: Yeah, I just feel freeeeeee and loose, and I’m having a wonderful time! [ laughs ]

[ suddenly, Aerosmith enters the club, as one of their songs can be heard in the background ]

Steven Tyler: Excuse me? Sir?

Joe: What?

Steven Tyler: Uh.. we’re Aerosmith.

Joe: [ suddenly recognizes them ] Wha..? Oh! Yeah, yeah! Hey, I love you guys! Wow! Wow!

Steven Tyler: Hey, you know, the house bad here, uh.. they’re playing one of our songs.

Joe: Yeah, yeah.. oh, I love this! It’s a great song!

Steven Tyler: Yeahhh.

Joe Perry: Hey, man.. uh..?

Joe: What?

Joe Perry: Could you, like, uh.. not dance to that, please?We’re serious!Just don’t do it!

Joe: What..? I love the music, I love this music..

Joe Perry: Just take a seat. Sometimes it’s better to watch and learn.

Steven Tyler: Sit this one out.

Joe: [ confused ] Really?

Steven Tyler: Yeah.

[ Aerosmith walks away, as Joe takes his seat ]

Joe: I can’t believe that.. I-I..

Jaimie: I’m sorry.

Joe: You’re sorry..?

[ Screaming Fat Guy runs back into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everybody! Let’s do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe’s awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: I didn’t want to dance..

Jaimie: I’m sorry..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Jeff Goldblum

Jeff Goldblum: Thank you so, so much for watching, thanks for coming.. thanks to Aerosmith! The best rock and roll band! Goodbye, goodbye!

SNL Transcripts

Canteen Boy

Mr. Peter McGrath…..Jeff Goldblum
Mr. MacEntire…..Phil Hartman
Stan…..Kevin Nealon
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
Mr. Henry…..Tim Meadows
Derek….Chris Farley
Mom…..Rob Schneider

[ open on neighbors having an unfruitful garage sale ]

Stan: Not such a great turn-out, huh, Peter?

Mr. McGrath: Oh.. all these garage sales usually don’t heat up until after noon. You know.

Stan: Yeah! You making any money yet?

Mr. McGrath: Ha! Four dollars. Uh.. I sold a coffee can full of bolts, plus a broken rake!

[ the neighbors laugh at the idea of those lackluster items selling ]

[ cut to Canteen Boy at a table, pulling the string on a Speak-N-Say ]

Stan: Hey – look who just walked in. It’s Canteen Boy.

Mr. MacEntire: Oh. This guy is so sad.

Mr. McGrath: I know. He’s the king.. he’s the king. This is gonna be great! Watch this! [ walks over to Canteen Boy ] Hey, uh.. Canteen Boy? Can I help you with something?

Canteen Boy: Eh.. not right now, Mr. ?? – just getting myself situated.

Mr. McGrath: Oh. Well, you know, I wouldn’t want to rush you, Canteen Boy. ‘Cause you’re one crazy.. wild man!

Canteen Boy: [ nonchalantly, not getting it ] Uh-huh. Whatever. Hee-hee.

Mr. McGrath: No, no.. really. The way you captured that snake, at the block party? Mmm.. boy, I tell ya’ – I admire a guy like you who.. lives life on the edge!

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm.. Yeah, well, you know.. you only live life once. Sometimes you gotta go for it, you know? Heh heh!

Mr. McGrath: Well, and.. you do, Canteen Boy. You go for it.. you go for it! I’ll tell you that. Tell me, Canteen Boy, uh.. what was the.. the craziest this you did all last week?

Canteen Boy: Hmm.. uh.. well, uh.. eh.. eh.. last Wednesday, uh.. you know the city’s redoing the sidewalks over on River Road?

Mr. McGrath: Yeah.

Canteen Boy: Well, uh.. I leaned over the guardrails, and I wrote in the wet cement: “Cheryl Tiggs has big boobs!” [ chuckles ]

Mr. McGrath: [ pretending to be impressed ] Wo-ow! Wo-ow! Canteen Boy, you’re just a regular psychopath!

[ the neighbors laugh at Canteen Boy ]

Canteen Boy: [ confused ] Yeah, uh.. I guess I missed the joke.

Mr. McGrath: Mmm-hmm.

Canteen Boy: I’m gonna go, uh.. see what’s going on in this section. [ walks over to Mr. Henry ] How you doing there, Mr. Henry? Plannig on doing a little outdoor activity?

Mr. Henry: Oh, hi, Canteen Boy. Uh.. well, actually, I thought I’d just find a good comforter, you know.. for the guests when they stay over.

Canteen Boy: Ohh.. yeah. Well, what you got there is goose down.. which is fine if you’re a traditionalist. Uh.. but I-I-I read in Boys Life magazine that, uh.. fiber-fill will keep you both drier and warmer!

Mr. Henry: Hmm-hmm. Well, Canteen Boy, I don’t need anything special, it’s just for arou-

Canteen Boy: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, whatever floats your boat, Mr. Henry! [ chuckles ] I’m just saying!

Mr. Henry: Hey, wow! Look at this! A lava lamp, huh? That takes you back to the 70’s.

Canteen Boy: Yeah. Hey, Mr. Henry, you should know – that’s not real lava.

Mr. Henry: Really?

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.. if it was real, room temperature, it would be a solid.

Mr. Henry: Mmm. Thanks, Canteen Boy. [ steps away ]

Canteen Boy: Mmm-hmm. [ admires the lava lamp ] It’s a beauty, though. I’ll tell ya. [ waks back to Mr. McGrath ] Before I put any money down on this-

Mr. McGrath: Yeah?

Canteen Boy: -I’ve gotta make sure it’s gonna work.

Mr. McGrath: Uh-huh. Well, i-I’ll tell you what, Canteen Boy – uh.. you buy it, take it home, plug it in.. if it doesn’t work.. tough crap! [ laughs ]

Canteen Boy: Uh, not exactly the warranty I was looking for.

Mr. McGrath: No.. I guess not.

Mr. MacEntire: Hey, uh.. Canteen Boy. Shouldn’t you ask your mother before you buy something for the house?

Canteen Boy: Thanks for asking, Mr. MacEntire. Uh.. actually, I’ve been given, uh.. carte blanche to furnish my room as I see fit.

Stan: Wow! [ laughs ]

Canteen Boy: I’ve got a.. beer can collection.. rock and roll posters.. uh.. a $20 fish tank.. This lava lamp could actually be a nice little treat for the fish.

[ the neighbors laugh at Canteen Boy ]

Canteen Boy: [ perplexed ] Yeah, uh.. I wish somebody would pass me the laughing gas. Anyways, uh.. Mr. McGrath, how much is this gonna set me back?

Mr. McGrath: [ thinking ] Uh.. um.. for you, Canteen Boy – $8,000.

Canteen Boy: Heh heh.. what is this, a lava lamp made out of gold?! [ laughs ] $8,000? Give me a break here!

Mr. McGrath: Mmm.. wow, Canteen Boy.. you’re a real tough negotiator. I’ll tell you what – I’ll give it to you for.. $16,000!

Canteen Boy: [ snidely ] Heh heh heh. Yeah, whatever. Ha. This guy forgot he’s having a garage sale, thinks he’s running a Ferarri dealership!

Mr. Henry: Hey, Pete – how much for the whistle?

Mr. McGrath: Oh.. fifty cents.. I don’t care..

Canteen Boy: Mr. Henry, give me fifty cents – I’ll whistle for ya’! [ presses his hands together and whistles like an owl ]

Mr. MacEntire: [ mocking ] Hey, Stan! Did you hear that? Is there some kind of crazy owl out here, or something..?

Canteen Boy: [ laughs ] Mr. MacEntire, that was just me! I forgot how lifelike that is!

Mr. McGrath: Wow.. wow. Canteen Boy, that’s two impressions you can do. You’re good at doing an owl.. and.. you’re good at ding a dork!

[ the neighbors laugh ]

Canteen Boy: [ whispering ] Eh, well you’re a dork.

Mr. McGrath: [ taking offense ] What was that?

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

Mr. McGrath: Listen.. Canteen Boy.. uh, if you want this lava lamp, and you can’t come up with the cash.. how about a trade?

Canteen Boy: Oh, uh.. well, that sounds great. Uh.. I got some Spider-man magazines at home, oard games – you know: Stratego, Battleship – I’ll bring ’em by, we can talk turkey.

Mr. McGrath: Uh.. no, Canteen Boy. I’ve already seen what I want.. and, uh.. it’s hanging around your neck.

Canteen Boy: [ reaizes Mr. McGrath is referring to his prized canteen ] Oh.. uh.. seriously, that is.. [ sweating ] You don’t understand.. this is not for sale..!

Mr. McGrath: No, no. You don’t understand, Canteen Boy. I want that canteen.

Canteen Boy: [ close-up as he screams ] Heh heh.. i gotta go.. I-I’ll catch you later..!

Mr. McGrath: [ laughing ] Yeah! Oh-oh-oh.. hey, Derek! Back from the gym, just in time. Look who’s here! It’s Canteen Boy! You guys used to be real tight!

[ Derek ambles on into the scene, really throwing his weight around in front of Canteen Boy ]

Derek: Hey, Canteen Boy – dies this bring back any memories? [ pulls a turbo-wedgie on Canteen Boy’s underwear ] WEDGIEEE!!! WEDGIEEE!!

[ the neighbors laugh, as Canteen Boy makes a run for it ]

[ dissolve to interior, Canteen Boy’s room, decorated as descried earlier, with rock posters and a fish bowl ]

[ Canteen Boy’s Mom pushes her way into the room ]

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Are you alright, Allen? Is there anything I can do for you?

Canteen Boy: Everything’s under control, Mom. I’ll deal with this in my own fashion.

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Okay.. bye bye.

Canteen Boy: Uh, mom? Don’t forget to tape “Seaquest”.

Canteen Boy’s Mom: Alright. [ exits Canteen Boy’s bedroom ]

[ Canteen Boy presses his hands together again, catching the attention of snakes from around the world ]

[ cut back to the garage sale, as hundreds of snakes fall form the trees and tangle the neighbors ]

Neighbors: Aaagggghhhhh!!!!! Help me!!!

[ dissolve to close-up of Canteen Boy’s face ]

Canteen Boy: He who laughs last.. laughs loudest! Hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeeeee!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 9th, 1993

Jeff Goldblum

Aerosmith

Laura Dern

Rock For Michael

Musical artists sing to protest Michael Jordan retirement.

Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue

Audience members think the action in “Jurassic Park” was real.

Nerf Crotchbats

(Repeat) See: 05/08/93.

Subway Guitarist

Subway rider (Goldblum) thinks guitarist’s (Rob Schnieder) songs are about him.

The Wave

Baseball fan (Goldblum) is angry when others don’t appreciate his wave.

Aerosmith performs “Cryin'”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Ellen Cleghorne.

Norm MacDonald doesn’t like idea of being anal-raped in prison.

Dance Club

Joe (Goldblum) is made fun of for dancing like an idiot in a club.

Karl’s Video Store

Goldblum rents movies from obnoxious video store owner Karl (David Spade).

Recurring Characters: Karl.

Canteen Boy

Canteen Boy (Adam Sandler) is teased at neighborhood garage sale.

Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

Aerosmith performs “Sweet Emotion”

Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network

Walken (Jay Mohr) and other celebrities wait impatiently to receive calls.

Recurring Characters: Christopher Walken.

History’s Great Over-Thinkers

Talk show host (Goldblum) overthinks presentation of historical panel.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Rob Schneider
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadow

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon

First-Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton introduced herself to Congress this week as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a woman. Hillary is currently being treated for a Multiple Personality Disorder, which, incidentally, is not covered by the new Health Plan.

The First Lady dazzled Congressional committees in selling the plan, thus rewriting the old saying, “Behind every great woman is a chubby guy in goofy running shorts.”

A CNN-USA Today poll says Americans believe Hillary is smarter than Bill by a vote of 40% to 22%. The President took it in stride, saying, “No big deal, it’s only an 8% difference.”

General Colin Powell officially retired from the Army Thursday. At the ceremony, the President explained to the General exactly what would be inappropriate behavior for gays in the military.

Figures from the latest polls have just come in – 29%, 48%, and 11%.

Anti-violence advocates contend that violence on TV is directly linked to the rise of violence in society, and officials are doing nothing about it. They even pointed out that some cartoons such as the Road Runner are violent, resulting in a proposed bill calling for a mandatory 5-day waiting period before the purchase of an anvil, or any ACME product, including TNT detanators and strap-on rockets.

In lieu of the latest string of murders in Florida, Hertz has unveiled its new line of rentals near the airport.
[ show tanks ]

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took her seat on the Supreme Court today, the first time two women sat on the nation’s highest court. She said the first day turned out ot be a little uncomfortable, since they both showed up wearing the same outfit.

The Food and Drug Administration says that glow-in-the-dark condoms may not be safe for their intended use, so, until further notice, no reading in bed, please.

Kevin Nealon: And now, on the lighter side, it’s time for Rob Scheinder’s Wacky Sports Bloopers. Rob?

Rob Schneider: Thank you, Kevin. We’ve got a load of hilarious miscues and foul-ups this week, so let’s go right to the videotape!

[ clip from baseball game ]

Watch as the San Franscisco Giants’ Will Clark tries to hit the ball. Oops! You can’t hit if you don’t swing, Will!

[ clip from football game ]

Now, football. Look at what happens when the Kansas City Chiefs give the ball to running back, Marcus Allen. Whoa! Put a tent on that circus!

And in Cincinnatti, watch where this field goal attempt goes. Ooof! That one landed somewhere in Hawaii!

[ clip from basketball game ]

Now, in basketball. Check out the Phoenix Sun’s Kevin Johnson on this play – whoops! The balls’s supposed to go in the basket, Kevin!

[ clip from tennis game ]

Finally, for the Sports Blooper of the Week, let’s go to pro-tennis tour. Stephan Edward tries to serve, and – wow! Watch carefully – later in the same match.. whoa-oa-oa! Almost the exact same thing! Better check that racquet, Stephan!

Kevin Nealon: [ laughing ] Rob, where did you find all these bloopers?

Rob Schneider: Hours and hours of research, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: I’ll bet! Well, it was definitely worth the wait! Rob Schneider, ladies and gentlemen.

Tammy Faye Bakker was married this afternoon in Palm Springs, California, to Ro Messner, as old family friend. Speaking for “Weekend Update”, I’d like to apologize to Tammy Faye for all those jokes we did about her in the past, and also to extend our deepest sympathy to her new husband.

In a related story, the wedding was good news at the federal prison in Jessup, Georgia, where his fellow inmates are happy that Jim Bakker is now completely unattached.

Well, sexy covers sell. The hands-on-topless trend gained momentum this spring, with sexy covers of Sharon Stone clutching herself, Kate Moss, Madeline Stowe, and Janet Jackson. Keeping up with the trend next week, will be U.S. News & World Report with its Norman Schwartzkoff cover.

Kevin Nealon: Joining us this week to help sort out the new Clinton Health Care Plan, is Weekend Update correspondent, Ike Turner. Welcome, Ike.

Ike Turner: Alright, thank you, thank you, Kevin Nealon. Well, President Clinton brought out his newest plan, baby, because there are 225 million people in this country without Health Care, you dig?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, excuse me, Ike. I believe that figure is 25 million people without Health Care.

Ike Turner: I don’t need that from you, Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon: Oh.. sorry, Ike. I was just trying to help you out.. sorry.

Ike Turner: Oh, you trying to help Ike, huh? You trying to help Ike? Ike don’t need your help! If I can get a band, I got songs in my head, I could get my music going, baby!

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Ike, uh.. you were talking about the Clinton Health Care Package, I believe..

Ike Turner: Oh, okay, Kevin Nealon, is that how it is, huh? Fine! You want to talk about Health Care, baby? You want to take about Health Care with Ike?! Alright, then, look at this, huh, look at this.. [ pulls out cake ] Alrigh,t this cake is the U.S. budget, you dig? [ pulls hunks of cake loose as he talks ] Alright, you got your taxes, and you got your defensive spending.. [ eats from the cake ] Mmm.. this is some great cake. Have soem cake, Kevin Nealon, you want some cake?

Kevin Nealon: I’m not hungry, thanks..

Ike Turner: Come on, baby, it’s good!

Kevin Nealon: No, I’m not hungry. Thanks, anyway..

Ike Turner: Now, don’t you do this to me! Don’t you do that to Ike!

Kevin Nealon: I don’t want the cake! I’m not hungry Ike. Please!

Ike Turner: Alright! You don’t want the cake, here’s the stupid cake! [ throws the entire cake at Kevin ]

Kevin Nealon: Ike! Stop it, that hurts! Come on!

Ike Turner: Oh, baby.. I’m sorry, baby.. I just get crazy sometimes!

Kevin Nealon: I know you do!

Ike Turner: I’ll make it up to you, I promise, baby, I promise..!

Kevin Nealon: Just don’t even touch me! Ike.. Turner.. ladies and gentlemen. Just get away, just get away!

Wednesday’s Country Music Awards Ceremony was marred when it was learned that not one of the nominees was not really drunk, jilted, or unemployed.

In Geneva this week, pop star Michael Jackson took off time from his World Tour after he pulled a groin muscle. No word yet on whose groin muscle it was.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

The Real World

Bill……Davids Spade
Brian…..Mike Myers
Jeremy…..Tim Meadows
Tammy…..Ellen Cleghorne
Anthony…..Adam Sandler
Suzanne…..Shannen Doherty
Tookeet…..Rob Schneider
Becky…..Melanie Hutsell

Announcer: [ over matching SUPER: “Warning: The following program deals with real people in real problems in realistic situations in a, frankly, realistic manner.

The very reality of its realism may be shocking to viewers unaccustomed to this degree of reality on television, for the frank, realistic portrayal of real people with real problems in realistic situations, is really lacking.

We, the producers, realize this is a real problem, but a real show about reality and realism, presented realistically, with realness, using real people with real problems in realistic situations, can make a real contribution, as long as the people, problems and situations, are real and are presented in a realistic manner.

Real. Real real. Reality. Realness. Real. Real real.

Viewer discretion is advised.

Real.”

[ fade into opening credits, as each housemate is introduced ]

Bill: Hey, I’m Bill. I’m from Oklahoma, and there’s nothing I hate worse.. than Irish people.

Brian: My name is Brian Kelly, and I’m from Dublin, Ireland. And I hate the English and black people!

Jeremy: Hello. I’m Jeremy, and I’m from London. There’s nothing I hate more than regular American black women.

Tammy: My name is Tammy, and I’m from Detroit. And.. I hate Italians!

Anthony: Anthony. Brooklyn. I hate poor white trash.

Suzanne: I’m Suzanne. I’m poor white trash from Oklahoma.. and I hate Eskimos.

Tookeet: Tookeet.. [ speaking Inuit ] ..lesbians.

Becky: [ obviously a lesbian, no explanation needed on her part ] I’m Becky.

[ camera jerks around the housemates for the final introduction ]

Bill: What happens..

Brian: ..when seven different people..

Anthony: ..come together in the same house..

Suzanne: ..and they stop being friendly..

Tammy: ..and they start being real.

All: The Real World!!

[ fade into a scene in the kitchen, as everyone stands around ]

Suzanne V/O: It was Thursday – housecleaning day. No one was looking forward to it, and tempers were flaring.

Bill: [ enters scene ] Hey, Tammy.. where’s the broom?

Tammy: [ outraged ] What?! Like, I know where the broom is just because I’m black?!

Bill: Hey, are you calling me a racist, just because I’m from Oklahoma?!

Brian: [ in thick Irish accent ] Come on, you two! We can’t have any of this! I’m from Dublin! We gotta remember – we’re just seven people tryin’ to live in this hise!

Anthony: Shut up, you stupid mick!

Suzanne: Now, look – just because Brian is Irish, doesn’t mean he’s a drunk! Isn’t that right, Tookeet?

Tookeet: Hock.. emmet bach.. Nazi.. lesbians!

Becky: Oh, what is that supposed to mean, Tookeet? That, because I’m a lesbian, I should clean the whole house?!

Bill: Hey, I am not a racist!

Suzanne: Look, y’all – everybody’s always talking about cleaning up the planet.. but I’m just poor white trash from Oklahoma. And I think maybe we should start right here in the house.

Anthony: Shut up, you racist!

Bill: Hey, no, wait.. she’s right. Okay, everybody, let’s clean up the house!

[ everyone murmurs their agreement: “Yeah.. alright..” ]

Brian: [ as everyone gets started on the housecleaning ] Hey! She speaks the truth! I’m from Dublin!

Suzanne: Hey, Tammy? Could you empty the trash?

Tammy: [ outraged ] Are you calling me a piece of trash?!

[ cut to Confessional ]

Tammy: I was so upset! This was 1993 – I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! “Empty the trash.” Think about it! What if, instead of “trash”, you substituted “white people”? How would that sound, huh? “Empty the white people”. Would anyone say that?

[ cut to a second kitchen scene ]

Suzanne V/O: Wednesday night. Anthony and Tookeet decided to make dinner for everyone. Tempers were still high.

Anthony: Hey, Tookeet – can you hand me the salt?

Tookeet: Enet.. mick.. brach une.. hock.

Anthony: Shut up, you whale-eating MORON!!

Brian: [ interrupting ] Hey, guys! I’m from Dublin! I think you should stop fighting! We’re all waiting for dinner!

Becky: [ outraged ] Dinner?! Dinner?! That’s just like you! You wouldn’t even be talking about dinner if I weren’t a lesbian!

[ Suzanne and Bill sit on a nearby couch ]

Suzanne: Hey, Bill – we Oklahomans could sure give these folks a lesson in how to get along.

Bill: What do you mean “We“?! I’m from Oklahoma City, and you’re poor white trash from Tulsa!

Suzanne: [ weeping ] Don’t you see?! If people from Oklahoma can’t get along, what hope do we have?! [ flees the room in tears ]

Jeremy: I guess I’m just a black man from London.. I’m not even here! You’re all a bunch of racists! [ flees the room in tears ]

Bill: Wha..? Hey, if one person calls me a racist.. I’m going back to Oklahoma!! [ flees the room ]

Brian: Listen to me – I’m from Dublin! Don’t any of ya care about that?! [ flees the room in tears ]

[ cut to another Confessional ]

Brian: Well, actually.. I’m not from Dublin – just outside of Dublin. A place called ?? But when people would ask me where that was, I had to explain it’s just outside of Dublin. And I got tired of saying “I’m.. from just outside of Dublin.” So I started telling me I’m from Dublin. So, nowadays, when people ask me where I’m from, I say I’m from Dublin.

[ cut to another Confessional ]

Tookeet: [ sniffs ] Innarock.. onna.. neeka.. neeka.. [ sniffs ]

[ cut to the housemates on the couch watching television ]

Suzanne V/O: By Thursday, things seemed to be going better at the house.

Tammy: Woww.. this is a great movie you picked, Tookeet! Don’t you agree, Brian?

Brian: I love Orca.

Anthony: Shut up! This movie sucks!

[ dissolve out ]

Announcer: Next time, on “The Real World”.

[ open dissolve to the phone ringing, as Brian sits silent in the foreground ]

Suzanne: [ enters kitchen and answers the phone ] Hello. [ to Brian ] Hey, the phone for you.

Brian: Don’t talk to me like that!

Suzanne: Shut up, you racist! [ drops the phone and stomps out of the kitchen ]

Brian: [ picks up the phone ] Hello? I’m from Dublin!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Operaman Plays the Scratch Lottery

…..Phil Hartman
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

[ open on Phil Hartman standing before the audience, dressed in a tuxedo ]

Phil Hartman: Good evening. For too long, “Saturday Night Live” has failed to enrich the cultural and artisitic traditions of this country. Tonight, all that will change, as we present the following peroformance by.. the Opera Man! [ audience applauds wildly ] Indeed! He will be performing a work entitled “Opera Man Comes Within One Number of Winning the New Hampshire Lucky Five Scratch-Off Lottery.” As tonight’s opera begins, Opera Man has purchased a lottery ticket at New Hampshire gas station. He knows that in order to win, the same dollar amount must appear on all five squares of his ticket. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here’s.. Opera Man.

[ Opera Man emerges from behind the curtains, and proceeds to scratch his lottery ticket ]

Operaman: “Une millione!”

[ scratches ]

“Une millione, il matcho!”

[ scratches ]

“Dio mio, une millione!
Es possible Opera Man Millionaro!”

Calmo, relaxo
due more scratcho.”

[ scratches ]

“Une million!

Dio in heaveno
per favore
Un more matcho
be so greato
Opera Man promise
no more masturbato.”

[ looks away as he scratches last square, then discovers to his horror.. ]

“Ah..ah. ahhhhhhhhhhh!!

No millionario
back to jobo
security guardo
Montgomery Wardo!”

Phil Hartman: Bravo! Bravissimo! “Live-a from-a New York, it’s-a Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts