SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 3

92c: Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors

The Bensonhurst Dating Game

Andy Perotta…..Joe Pesci
Joey Tarentina…..Adam Sandler
Glenn Macera…..Dana Carvey
Kevin Stubbs…..Chris Rock
Stacy Tererri…..Julia Sweeney

Announcer: From Bensonhurst, Brooklyn — it’s the Bensonhurst Dating Game. And now, here’s your host — Andy Perotta.

Andy Perotta: Okay, how you doin’ over dere? Welcome to da show over here! Okay, we got one hot bachelorette backstage! But first, let’s meet the tree guys she’s gonna choose from over here. Okay, number one: Joey Tarentina. How you doin’ Joey, ready to play?

Joey Tarentina: You know it, Andy!

Andy Perotta: Hey, how’s your mother, she feelin’ better?

Joey Tarentina: Yeah.

Andy Perotta: All right, that’s good. Okay, bachelor number 2: Glen Macera. Hey, Glenny, you gonna walk home with this broad or what?

Glen Macera: That’s my plan, Andy.

Andy Perotta: Yeah. I know your plans! Okay, bachelor number 3: Kevin Stubbs.

Kevin Stubbs: What’s up?

Andy Perotta: Nothin’. Okay! We met our bachelors. Let’s bring out the main course. She’s a travel agent by day, and a terrific dancer by night. Say “hello” to Stacy Tererri.

Stacy Tererri: Hi, Andy.

Andy Perotta: Hey, Stacy, how’s your dad?

Stacy Tererri: Better.

Andy Perotta: Say hello for me. Okay, Stacy, you ready wit’ your questions over there?

Stacy Tererri: Yeah! Okay. Bachelor number 1, if I were ice cream, what flavor would I be, and what would you do to me?

Joey Tarentina: You would be like a lemon sherbet, you know? You’d be a little chilly at first, but then after some time you’re gonna melt in my mouth, and it tastes so good.

Glen Macera: Yeah!

Andy Perotta: He is the man! Okay, next up.

Stacy Tererri: Okay, number 2, same question.

Glen Macera: Hey, well, all I know is what flavor I’d be, and that’d be a banana, if you catch my drift.

Andy Perotta: Holy jeez, we got a battle here!

Stacy Tererri: Okay! All right, number 3, how ’bout you?

Kevin Stubbs: You’d be red raspberry and I’d lick you up and down and, I’d just eat every ounce of you.

Andy Perotta: Excuse me. What’d you just say?

Kevin Stubbs: I said what they said. She’d be red raspberry. I’d eat every ounce of her…

Andy Perotta: I’m askin’ you, what did you just say you would do to her?

Kevin Stubbs: I said, I’d lick her, like they did.

Andy Perotta: I heard what you said. I’m sayin’, next time you better be a little smarter.

Kevin Stubbs: But I said what they…

Andy Perotta: Hey, use your head. Okay, Stacy, ask some more questions, honey.

Stacy Tererri: Ok, number 2, I’m a romantic at heart. What would you do to show me the perfect romantic evening?

Glen Macera: Well, I’d take ya to Helio’s. Sure, my friend there works the door. We’d get a good table, have some cannoli…

Stacy Tererri: I love their cannoli.

Glen Macera: Oh, you do, honey? ‘Cause I wouldn’t be afraid to eat it right off of you!

Andy Perotta: Zing!

Stacy Tererri: Yeah, number 3?

Kevin Stubbs: You know, italian food would be a nice prelude before we go home and do the nasty!

Andy Perotta: Holy jeez.

Stacy Tererri: Okay. Number 3, I wanna know, if we were…

Andy Perotta: Whoa, whoa, hold up, I got a question for him. How’s he gonna taste that italian food if he got no tongue?

Stacy Tererri: Oh, Andy, it’s okay.

Andy Perotta: Swear to God, don’t test me today. Hear me, tree?

Joey Tarentina: Andy, can I bust his head in or what?

Andy Perotta: Hey, let me handle that. You just worry about answerin’ the questions.

Stacy Tererri: Okay, number 2. You’re a doctor, I’m your patient. What instruments would you use to treat me?

Glen Macera: I can’t answer that right now. I just gotta say, I got a sister, and it’s gettin’ me sick thinkin’ about this over here.

Stacy Tererri: Okay, number one?

Joey Tarentina: Andy, I swear to God I’m goin’ outta my mind here! Just let me kick his ass!

Stacy Tererri: And, number 3?

Kevin Stubbs: You don’t have to go to me. You can go to another doctor.

Andy Perotta: So now she’s not good enough for ya, stinkin’ low life, is that it?

Kevin Stubbs: But, I’m just…

Joey Tarentina: Andy, say the word, and I’ll whack his head wit’ a broomstick!

Glen Macera: No, Andy, let it be me. I got an aluminum in the car!

Andy Perotta: Shut up, shut up! Okay, okay, no more questions. Make up your mind. Who will it be? Bachelor number 1, bachelor number 2… 1 or 2, come on, pick! Hurry up, let’s go!

Stacy Tererri: Look, I’m pickin’ 3. I wanna know what the big mystery’s about.

Andy Perotta: Stacy, you’re gonna kill your mother and father here.

Stacy Tererri: I’ll do what I want.

Kevin Stubbs: Look, we don’t have to do this.

Joey Tarentina: Stacy, what are you tryin’ to prove?

Stacy Tererri: We’re goin’ out! Look, I’ve been with you two, so what do we win?

Glen Macera: Stacy!

Andy Perotta: No, no, no, no, no, it’s okay. Let’em go out. Okay, congratulations. There, you win dinner for two at Ranalli’s. that’s Ranalli’s, 13th street and Rutland Road. They’re gonna be there Thursday night at 8 p.m. at the Southwest entrance. That’s where they’re gonna be. It’s gonna be fun night, fun.

Kevin Stubbs: Look, I gotta get goin’.

Andy Perotta: Thursday night, you better be there! Blow a kiss, everybody. Goodnight!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Crooks Watch the News

Gangleader…..Joe Pesci
Frank…..Adam Sander
Tommy…..Kevin Nealon
Chuck Wilson…..Phil Hartman
Leslie Wilson-Carr…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Anchor…..Tim Meadows
Female Anchor…..Julia Sweeney
Dogcatcher…..Dana Carvey

Gangleader: Tommy, lock the door. Frank, pull the shades down. Hey..did you ditch the car?

Frank: Yeah, the cops’ll never find it.

Gangleader: Great. Let’s get rid of these clothes, then get to theairport.

Tommy: You think anyone at the bank will finger us?

Gangleader: I don’t think so. Let’s see if there’s anything on the news.

[ the three crooks sit down on the sofa and turn on the TV ]

Chuck Dobson: [ on TV ] Daring daytime robbery at a midtown bank. This,and other stories coming up next, on the 6 o’clock news.

Announcer: Newswatch 5. With anchorpersons Chuch Dobson. And LeslieWilson-Carr. [ the crooks wait patiently for the actual news to start ]With Bob Brock on Sports. Weatherman Chris Carlisle. [ the crooks growrestless ] Movie Critic Les Lindsay. And a health report from Dr. TimothySandley. Newswatch 5. Serving the entire New York metropolitan area.

Tommy: Okay, here we go.

Announcer: The finest news coverage available. And now, here areanchorpersons Chuck Dobson and Leslie Wilson-Carr.

Gangleader: Okay, shh..

Chuck Dobson: Good evening. We’ve got several big stories for youtonight. But, in my mind, the biggest story is the one youhave to tell us, Leslie!

Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ giggling ] What do you mean, Chuck?

Chuck Dobson: Well, a little bird told me there’s going to be a newaddition to the Newswatch 5 crew.

Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ laughing ] Well, I didn’t know you were going tobring this up.. but it’s true. Mark and I are expecting in June.

Chuck Dobson: Can you teach him to do the weather? I believe Fritzcould use a vacation. [ laughs heartily with Leslie ] We’ll be right back.

Announcer: Darling daytime robbery. This and other stories whenNewswatch 5 returns.

[ Newswatch 5 cuts to a dog food commercial ]

Jingle: I’m a Hungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog! I’m aHungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog!

Hungry Puppy Spokesman: If your puppy’s hungry, better get Hungry Puppy.

Jingle: I’m a Happy Puppy Dog. He’s a Happy Puppy Dog! Rah rah rah..it’s good!

[ the crooks become agitated, as the next commercial begins ]

Forula K Spokesman: Are you suffering from.. diarrhea? Well, why nottry the diarrhea medicine that most doctors recommend? Formula K stopsdiarrhea in its tracks..

[ Tommy grabs the remote ]

Tommy: Maybe we should try another channel.

Frank: Yeah, maybe.

Gangleader: Try Channel 2 News.

[ Tommy changes the channel ]

Announcer: ..with Consumer Reporter Don Rodriguez. Cooking tips fromMr. Food. Cholestoral Reporter Chuck Pressman..

Gangleader: Try Channel 7!

[ Tommy changes the channel again ]

Male Anchor: ..Well, that’s pretty much all there is to say about thisdaring midtown bank robbery. Back to you, Joyce.

Female Anchor: Thank you, David, for that exhaustive report.And News 7 returns, after this.

[ News 7 cuts to a dog food commercial ]

Jingle: I’m a Hungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog! I’m aHungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog!

[ annoyed ] I knew something like this was gonna happen!

Tommy: Yeah, but they really don’t do that good a job on that channel..

Gangleader: Shut up! Go back to the first channel!

[ the channel is changed back to Newswatch 5 ]

Chuck Dobson: And now a report on that midtown robbery. Wait a minute..This just handed to me. Frank L. MacNeer, the actor who played the beloveddogcatcher on “The Andy Griffith Show” has died at the age of 78. [ the crooksroll their eyes at their bad luck ] MacNeer passed away in his sleep at hishome in Glandale, California.

[ cut to video clip from “The Andy Griffith Show” ]

Dogcatcher: Andy! Andy! I’m gonna catch me that dog. Yes, sir!I’m.. gonna.. catch.. me.. that.. dog..

Gangleader: [ angrily turns the TV off ] Forget this! Let’s justsplit the money!

Frank: Aw, come on, they were almost getting to it!

Tommy: Yeah, come on, turn the TV back on!

Gangleader: They’re never gonna get to it.

Tommy: Aw, come on. If it gets to a commercial, we’ll just turn downthe volume and go over our getaway plan. We won’t even pay attention!

Gangleader: I don’t know..

Tommy: Aw, come on. Please, boss?

Frank: Yeah, we’re real curious..

Gangleader: Alright, alright.. but I don’t like it.

[ Gangleader flips the TV back on to the end of a cat food commercial ]

Jingle: Meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow, meow!

[ cut back to Newswatch 5 ]

Chuck Dobson: We are back. Three men are still at large, after adarling midtown robbery today in midtown Manhatten.

Gangleader: Shh.. This is it!

Chuck Dobson: Police surveillance report that the three men, originallybelieved to have fled the area, are now holed up in a Bronx apartment.Incredibly, they’ve been watching television for the last half-hour.

[ a siren is heard and police lights flash outside the apartment ]

Police Bullhorn: Come out with your hands up!

[ the crooks get up ]

Gangleader: Aw, that’s just great, guys!

Tommy: Hey, hey, hey, I wanted Channel 6!

Frank: You did not!

Gangleader: Shut up, willya? We just gotta get out of here..

[ the TV pipes up again ]

Chuck Dobson: Police say there is no means of escape – except fora hidden ventilator shaft.

[ the crooks approach the TV ]

Gangleader: Shh.. listen!

Chuck Dobson: More on that ventilator shaft after these messages.

[ the crooks are aggravated. Suddenly, the police crash through the door ]

Police: Freeze! Police! You’re under arrest!

[ the crooks hopelessly surrender, Tommy kicks the TV in ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 3

92c: Joe Pesci / Spin Doctors

Bullies

Bully #1…..Joe Pesci Bully #2…..Rob Schneider
Man…..Phil Hartman
Tiara…..Julia Sweeney
Fat Guy…..Chris Farley
Bully #3…..David Spade
Bully #4…..Adam Sandler

[ open on two bullies sitting on a stoop as people pass on the sidewalk ]

Bully #1: Hey pal, can you toss my ball back? [ a man tosses the ball back ] Nice toss. Oh, a ten-year-old girl called, she wants her way of throwing back!

Bully #2: Yeah, and by the way — the inside of a closet just called, it wants you back!

Bully #1: Oh, and Richard Simmons just called, he wants his wrist back.

Bully #2: Yeah and sir, a sexuality wrestling match called, it wanted you, its arena, back.

Man: Listen, you little punk! One more peep outta you and I’ll hit you so hard it’ll change your last name! Got it?! Got it?!! I wanna hear, “Yes, Sir”!

Bully #2: Yes sir. [ the man walks away ] My dog after he drinks outta the toilet called, he wants his breath back!

[ a pretty girl walks past ]

Bully #1: Aye, how you doin’? So what’s your name?

Tiara: Tiara.

Bully #1: Tiara? Yeah? Well a Times Square hooker just called, she wants her name back.

Bully #2: Yeah and by the way, a rock group called, they wanted what they usually kick outta their hotel room at 5 in the mornin’ back.

Tiara: Grow up, losers. [ she walks away ]

Bully #1: Oh, good one. A retarded 5th grader just called, she wanted her witty retort back.

[ a long-haired dude walks past ]

Bully #1: Excuse me, 1975 called, it wanted its hairstyle back.

[ two guys walk past ]

Bully #2: Hey, guys. Siegfried and Roy just called, they want their relationship back.

[ Woman walks past ]

Bully #1: Oh, Ma’am. A girl in a convertible Rabbit with a vanity plate that says, “cutie” but should say “stuck up bitch” called. She wanted you, her mirror image, back.

[ a fat guy walks past ]

Bully #1: Hey! The Vanity Fair cover with Demi Mirror, Moore called. It wanted her stomach back!

Bully #2: Oh, I nearly forgot. A carnival worker who does nothing but clean up elephant crap all day called. He wanted his reason for living back.

Fat Guy: [ outraged ] Hey, man, I got problems! BIG problems!! The last thing I need is two pukes like you on my case!! I’m tellin’ you, man, DON’T get on my bad side, cause I’m a real rain! [ he storms off ]

Bully #2: By the way, a laboratory chimp locked up in a closet for the last 6 months called, he wanted his body stench back.

[ man walks past ]

Bully #1: Hey, excuse me. A tub a crap just called, it wants its evil twin back!

Bully #2: [ as tow more bullies walk up ] Hey guys-at-large.

Bully #3: Oh, hey, there you are. I had a message for you. What was it? Don’t tell me. Herve Villechaize just called, and he wants his chances of ever getting laid now that he’s not on TV back.

Bully #4: Oh yeah, guys, Kenny Rogers’ t-shirt called and wants its pit stains back when you get a chance.

Bully #1: Oh yeah? Well… a guy called and he was want, he wanted…

Bully #3: Right.

Bully #4: Okay, well those were most of the messages. Whatever. [ they leave ]

Bully #1: Yeah. You two take it easy.

Bully #2: Man, those were good. Those guys are out of our league.

[ a pigeon struts past ]

Bully #1: Aye, pigeon! Iceberg Slim called, the pimp, he wants his strut back.

Bully #2: Hey, a sewer rat called, he wanted his self esteem back.

Bully #1: We’re back!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 10th, 1992

Joe Pesci

Spin Doctors

Robert DeNiro

Martin Scorsese

Spin Doctors, “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”

Debate ’92

Recurring Characters: President George Bush, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot.

Joe Pesci’s Monologue

Green & Fazio I

Bensonhurst Dating Game

Pinky Ring

Green & Fazio II

Spin Doctors perform “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Cajunman.

Single White Person

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Crooks Watch The News

Bullies

Spin Doctors perform “Jimmy Olsen’s Blues”

Zoraida Confronts Pesci

Recurring Characters: Zoraida.

SNL Transcripts

That’s Not Yogurt

Husband…..Kevin Nealon
Wife…..Julia Sweeney

Husband: [ eating a cup of yogurt ] Mmm. Honey, this is greatyogurt.

Wife: That’s Not Yogurt.

Husband: Not yogurt? Come on, it sure tastes like yogurt.

Wife: That’s Not Yogurt.

Husband: No. Come on, taste it. Mmm.. Not yogurt?

Wife: No, Honey, look.. [ holds up container ] That’s Not Yogurt.

Husband: [ puzzled ] Hmm.. Then, what is it?

Announcer: I’ll tell you one thing – That’s Not Yogurt!

Husband: Well, if it isn’t yogurt, then what did I just swallow?

Announcer: Wouldn’t you like to know!

Husband: Yeah. I would.

Announcer: Well.. That’s Not Yogurt!

Husband: Look, I understand that. But what is it? Is it, like, somesort of sour cream? Is it, like, buttermilk? Cottage Cheese?

Announcer: That’s Not Yogurt!

Wife: No, seriously.. my husband is allergic to certain kinds offood.. so he really sort of needs to know exactly what it is.

Announcer: Sorry. But all we can tell you is – That’s Not Yogurt!

Husband: Look, I have a right to know what I just ate!

Announcer: It drives people crazy, trying to figure out the secretto the great That’s Not Yogurt taste. It’s smooth, thick, and creamy.. witha perfect mix of sweet and sour, just like real yogurt. Only, That’s NotYogurt!

Husband: Alright, come on.. what is it?

Announcer: Actually.. it is yogurt.

Husband: [ joyful ] Really.

Announcer: No. That’s Not Yogurt! That’s Not Yogurt! You’ll swearyou’re eating yogurt, but you’re not. It’s something else.

Female Voiceover: From the makers of Those Aren’t Olives.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..David Spade

Kevin Nealon: Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon, and I can’t wait to hear the news because I haven’t read the papers all week.

On Thursday, Ross Perot finally broke his silence and announced he’d run for President. However, in the middle of his announcement, he shocked the nation by revealing his true identity:

Ross Perot: “My name is Adrian Cogiano. I am nine years old, almost ten.”

Kevin Nealon: The fact that he’s only 9 disqualifies Mr. Perot from running, but since he’s an admitted liar, it makes him a more credible candidate.

Although he’s denied being an egomaniac who’s just trying to gain power, several photos have surfaced, indicating that there may be some validity to those accusations. [ show photo of Freddy Krueger ]

Presdent Bush boasted this week that the nation’s employment figure rose by 1/10th of 1%. A study revealed that the employment rise was a result of Ross Perot’s paid volunteers.

President Bush took to the rails last week, campaigning through Ohio and Michigan by train so he could take his message directly to those Americans most affected by his presidency; in particular, the hobos riding in the freight car.

And, in a related story, Neil Bush.

Well, the candidates have finally agreed on the debates, over Clinton’s objections that the dates conflicted with World Series play offs and major football games. Bush agreed, providing the dates don’t conflict with the New England Horseshoe Pitching Finals in Kennenbunkport.

Last week, we at “Weekend Update” erronously reported that visitors to New York were stunned when sprayed by Mace. What we meant to say was that the stunning matiste display is visiting New York. My apology.

A U.S. aircraft carrier accidentally blasted a Turkish destroyer with missile fire yesterday, during an exercise mission in the Aegean Sea. The newly-appointed commander of the carrier, Capt. Joseph Hazelwood, could not be reached for comment.

Yom Kippur, the Jewish holy day of atonement, starts at sundown this Tuesday. For those asking to have their sins forgiven that day, President Bush suggests you blame everything on Congress.

Several renowned doctors questioned the nutritional value of milk this week, and even warned of the possible harm it could cause to children. In the future, the dairy industry said the expiration date on the carton will apply to the person drinking the milk.

A study has found that prolonged exposure to laughing gas could hinder a woman’s ability to become pregnant. Additionally, so could rotting teeth, bad breath and body odor.

On Thursday, Magic Johnson signed a $14 million recording contract. I never even knew the guy could sing. Well, live and learn, I guess!

Mario Cuomo this week.

In a major stunt to boost ratings, Mariel Hemingway shocked viewers this week by briefly appearing nude in a scene on ABC’s “Civil Wars”. ou may recall the uproar caused last season when Hugh Downs pulled the same stunt on “20/20”.

Kevin Nealon: Here’s one of my favorite “Update” features – the Hollywood Minute with David Spade. David?

David Spade: Okay, alright! Thank you, Kevin, and we’re gonna start with a little gossip:

Michelle Pfeiffer and Fisher Stevens finally called it quits. Now every single, male loser in the country thinks he has a shot with her. guess what? It’s not gonna happen. It’s called Reality, look into it.

Michael Bolton: big star, popular musician.. guess what? You’re bald, and we all know it. I don’t care how long you grow your hair in the back, we all know what’s happening on top! I know you sold nine million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one!

Billy Crystal. I got three words about your Jack Palance jokes – Let It Go! You got a year of material off one ad-lib, move on.

Madonna’s got a new sex book coming out, where she’s naked. It sells for $50. Guess what? I already saw you in Penthouse for $5 – good luck!

Marla Maples told the press this week she thinks Donald Trump will marry her. Well, guess what? It’s not gonna happen. It’s called Strung Along!

Hey, Soon-Yi. This little troublemaker. Next thing you know, she’ll be breaking up the Clarinet Band. I smell a Yoko!

Hey, I wanted to see “Wind” this weekend, but guess what? It blew away!

[ show Erik Estrada ] Hi. I need work.

Hi, I’m Leather Face, have we met? It’s called sunscreen, look into it.

Hi, I burn bridges.

Madonna, Billy Ray Cyrus, Kevin Costner. All the people who will still have a career next year, take one step forward. Not so fast, Billy Ray!

That’s the Hollywood Minute! Back to you, Kevin!

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, David!

And who could forget, historically, today’s date is the first anniversary of October 3rd, 1991.

Gregory Kinglsey, the twelve-year old boy who divorced his natural parents last week, has inspired Eddie Munster to bring a divorce suit against his parents, Herman & Lily Munster, who, Eddie says, dressed him like a freak, fed him spiders, and locked him in a coffin at night. If he wins, he said he’ll change his name to Sean and be adopted by his own natural parents, Gomez & Morticia Adams.

After a long career slump, Jackson Browne finally had a hit last week.

A government panel revealed this week that troops in co-ed units had sex during the Persian Gulf War. Half the troops said it hurt their moral; the other half said it kept morale up for short periods of time.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 2

92b: Tim Robbins / Sinead O’Connor

Sunday Morning Videos

Jeffrey Wu…..Rob Schneider
Reverend Owen E. Veneble…..Tim Robbins

[ Theme music plays over the title card. ]

Jeffrey: Welcome back to Sunday Morning Videos. I’m Jeffrey Wu. And with me is the Reverend Owen E. Veneble, who has a syndicated religious radio program, and is active in the teen faith movement. Owen, you’ve been talking to the kids out there … what’s on their minds?

Reverend Owen: [ Southern accent, big smile on face, glances at camera throughout ] Well I’ll tell ya. All the kids are talkin’ about power. “Gotta get a powerful job, gotta be in a gang, be a powerful guy in the neighborhood, gotta buy me a powerful car.” That’s not power. You wanna know what real power is? Real power is being able to talk to the Lord every day.

Jeffrey: That is so true.

Reverend Owen: I mean, that’s a powerful position, havin’ a pipeline with the Lord. No king in his great big powerful castle’s gonna have that kinda power.

Jeffrey: He’s not gonna come anywhere near it. No, sir.

Reverend Owen: You know what else they like to talk about? Gettin’ high. “I’m gonna take this great new drug and get high. I’m gonna fly high as a kite.” Well I’ll tell ya about a real high: that’s the high you get with a spiritual communion with the Lord.

Jeffrey: Absolutely.

Reverend Owen: That’s a long lasting high, friend. That is heaven-high! No hangover, no withdrawal, no cold turkey!

Jeffrey: I read you loud and clear.

Reverend Owen: I’ll tell you somethin’ else the kids are talkin’ ’bout more and more, and it’s makin’ me kinda sick: great sex. “Gotta get me some great sex, gotta get me a condom so I can have great sex. Gotta read me some pornography ’bout how to have great sex. Gotta find a prostitute who’s gonna give me great sex!” Well I’ll tell you some’m, that’s not how you get great sex, no sir.

Jeffrey: Certainly not.

Reverend Owen: No sir, if you want truly great sex, you gotta get yourself a gymnast, or an aerobics instructor! That’s right, you gotta get a girl who works out regular, reeeal tight muscles, lean and strong and flexible! Ho yeah, you’re not gonna get any kinda real good sex with some ol’ fat prostitute standin’ on the corner!

[ applause, laughter ]

Jeffrey: Let’s talk about drugs some more. So many kids these days are looking for an escape, when the Bible tells you how to really get high.

Reverend Owen: I think I covered that, son. Anyway, you know where else you get great sex? Ballet dancers, man! They can bend, and spin, dance around yer’ body …

Jeffrey: I think I hear what you’re saying, but isn’t the best sex really the sex you have with the Lord?

[ The Reverend takes offense, and knocks Jeffrey out of his chair with a punch. Jeffrey picks himself up and sits back down. ]

Reverend Owen: You make me sick, man!

Jeffrey: I think you misunderstood me. What I was trying to say was, I think the most satisfying sexual relationships are the ones in which our partner is a vessel, if you will, through which we make love with the Lord. [ The Reverend socks Jeffrey again, and now looks angry. Jeffrey picks himself up and sits back down. ]

Jeffrey: That’s all the time we have. We hope you’ll join us next week on Sunday Morning Videos, featuring the premiere of Tower of Light’s “New Day Rising”.

[ The theme music plays as the lights dim ]

[ SUPER: “A Production Of Trinity Broadcasting Television” ]

Jeffrey: [ to the Reverend ] Now, what I was saying about sex with the Lord …

[ The Reverend knocks Jeffrey down again, gets up and walks towards him as the scene fades to black. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

A Message From Ross Perot

Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement.

[ open on Ross Perot seated in an armchair ]

Ross Perot: Well, hi, I’m Ross Perot. And I paid for this television time to address you, the American people. This week, I received the highest honor I ever could imagine, when my volunteers asked me to jump back in and run for President. See, see now, I’m not a wuitter – a quitter woudn’t jump back in the race! And that’s just what I did – you see? You see that? So your premise that I’m a quitter, it’s just bogus to begin with, see? But, alright, I know the way the game is played, so let’s just go with your premise for a minute – that I’m a quitter. Well, if I’m a quitter, why am I back in the race? See? Case closed!

Now, now I want to focus on the issues in the campaign, but it seems these people in the press want to focus on my business practives, or soem fella I might have fired, or my physical appearance – my ears, maybe. I got funny ears – fine! Okay? So, let’s have a debate on my ears, okay, is that what you want? Okay, here’s the deal on my ears – large oversized lobes, filled with wax and covered with thousands of spiky hairs! Are you happy? You happy? You got your lead story? You go do your story on that – I’m gonna talk about real issues.

Now, Myth #665: that I’m short. Let-let’s just run with that premise for a minute. I-I-I find it fascinating that everybody’s going bonkers about my height, when this country’s going down the tubes like crack through a goose! Now, let’s just, let’s just accept your premise that I’m short! Do you call 5″-5′ short? ‘Cause that’s what I am, see? Do you realize that if 68% of the women in this country took a shower with me, they’d be looking up at me. Now, if that’s short, then fine, go write your midget article while I save this country from ruin, okay? Case closed.

Now, this Inspector Perot thing. Now, that’s just sad, see? That’s just sad! I-I-I won’t even dignify it with a comment, see? I find it fascinating that people are interested in my use of private investigators to ensure my people are operating according to the law. Now, what’s wrong with that? Hell, I had myself investigated once! Found out I had a wife and five children. Now, that fascinated me, I never saw myself as the type to settle down!

Now, let-let-let’s just get off- [ cracks up, audience joins in ] Alright, I’ll pause, up to you, Whatever! Now, let’s just get all that personal stuff out the way, okay? ‘Cause I don’t have time, see? Now, those other guys, they don’t want to talk about the deficit. Now, I found that humorous to the point of absurdity, see? The deficit’s like some crazy aunt living down in the basement – everyone knows she’s there, but no one wants to talk about her! Now, if you don’t deal with her, she’s just gonna get ornerier and stinkier, see? I say, take the bitch upstairs, slap her around, and hose her down!

Now, see? See, now, it ain’t gonna be easy, this deficit. It’ll take some sacrifice, we gotta tighten that belt. Now, you may have heard some of my program – 50-cent-a-gallon gas tax to help build our infrastructure – but I know all you good Americans are willing to share the pain if it’s equal and fair.

So, Step 1: a National Curfew, nationwide, lights out, 8:45 pm. Now, you may say, “Ross, what am I gonna do after 8:45?” Well, I suggest you sleep – you’ll be glad you did when you hear that National Wake-Up Siren at 4:45 am. And don’t you worry, folks, you won’t sleep through it; it’ll be loud! Now, this way, you can start your fifteen-hour work day at 5:30 am, be back in bed by lights out. Now, what does this accomplish? First of all, this curfew cuts our energy consumption by 21%, reducing the deficit by $700 billion in the first ninety days alone! Now, simple, easy, cut and dried.

Now, let’s take the issue of waste. You know, I find it fascinating that so much time and money is wasted on so many different kinds of shoes. Now, if every American could wear the same style shoe, we could save over $18 billion the first year alone! Now, you might ask, where does such a show come from? Well, it’s already been designed by the volunteers. [ holds up shoe ] Here it is. This unisex, water-resistant shoe is handsome, stylish, and comes in all three sizes – small, medium and large! Case closed! Now, you ask any honest American – they’d be willing to wear one style of show to save their children from financial ruin; it’s obvious! and, if they didn’t want to, I’d say they need to be investigated. But that’s up to the volunteers – I’m just their servant, see?

Now, that’s all I gotta say right now, and I know this might have been painful for you, but I want to leave y’all with a smile on your face, so, in closing, I’d like to sing a little song my Grandma used to sing to me when I was a kid in Texarkana.

[ stands up, dances, and sings ]

“Mama’s lil’ baby loves shortnin’, shortnin’,
Mama’s lil’ baby loves shortnin’ bread.
Put on the skillet, put on the lid.
Mama’s gonna make a little shortnin’ bread.”

Alright. Now.. thank you. [ laughs maniacally ] That just brings a smile on my face! Set you smiling? Case closed. Everything’s gonna be alright. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

Tim Robbins’ Monologue

…..Tim Robbins
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Phil Hartman

Tim Robbins: Thank you! It’s great to be here, uh.. but, in a way, a little surprising. You see, I have this new movie out – “Bob Roberts” – and, um.. thank you. And, in the movie, I express some of my views about the nature of power in America, and how different corporations and the television networks they control distort information for their own purposes. So, it’s kind of ironic to be here working for General Electric. As you know, GE owns NBC. Yes, GE owns quite a few interesting companies- [ stops ] You can put the cue cards awy, Tony, I’m on my own out here, okay?

[ cue card guy slinks away ]

Yes! General Electric is quite an amazing conglomerate. In fact, if you thought General Electric made mainly kitchen appliances and light bulbs, you’d be quite mistaken, you see? General Electric actually makes a great deal of its profits making things like.. [ thinking ] ..triggering devices.. for nuclear warheads. You know the slogan – [ singing ] “G.E. We bring good things to.. death.”

Director’s Voice: Uh, Tim?

Tim Robbins: Yeah, Davey!

Director’s Voice: Would you mind coming backstage? Lorne wants to see you.

Tim Robbins: [ chuckling ] I thought this might happen! [ walks off stage ] Sure, Davey, I’ll come back and talk to Lorne! This is gonna be interesting! [ walks down the hall, past a couple of suits ] Ohhh.. I see the company suits came out for this one – a little nervous, guys? Hey, which division are you from? Germ warfare! [ laughs ]

[ Tim walks past an angry-faced Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Tim.

Tim Robbins: [ stops, turns back ] Oh. Lorne. Yeah. The monologue is going great, don’t you think? They’re not laughing, but they’re thinking.

Lorne Michaels: Tim, uh-uh-uh.. I’m upset.

Tim Robbins: Why? Because I’m attacking G.E.?

Lorne Michaels: Yes.

Tim Robbins: Why? Because.. G.E. pays your check, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Yes. Tim, I don’t know why you didn’t do the monologue we agreed on.

Tim Robbins: What? This? [ pulls script out of his jacket and reads ] “Wow! Second show of the 18th season – let’s hear it!” Uhhhhhhh.. this is crap, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Hey! Some of our best writers worked on that “crap”.

[ Tim throws script to the floor ]

Lorne Michaels: Hey! Don’t throw that away. [ reaches down to retrieve script ] A lot of this can be used next week, for Joe Pesci.

Tim Robbins: Lorne, what’s the point of my doing the show, if I an’t let people know that G.E.’s part of the shadow government? Responsible for everything from Iran-Conta, to the assassination of-

[ screen goes fuzzy, then jumps to NBC logo ]

Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night Live”, usually seen at this time, has been cancelled.

[ cut to dark bedroom, as Lorne Michaels bolts upright in bed ]

Lorne Michaels: Aggghhhh!!

[ Phil Hartman rises from the space next to Lorne, and turns on the light ]

Phil Hartman: Lorne? Are you okay?

Lorne Michaels: I just had the most terrifying nightmare!

Phil Hartman: It’s alright, Lorne. Would you like me to get you some warm milk.

Lorne Michaels: No.. Phil, it’s okay. It’s just that it seemed so real. Who’s the host next Saturday?

Phil Hartman: Tim Robbins. And it’s gonna be great, he’s got that terrific monologue!

Lorne Michaels: Oh, right.

[ dissolve back to Tim Robbins standing at Home Base, smiling ]

Tim Robbins: Thank you! It’s great to be here! Wow! “Saturday Night Live”! Second show of the 18th season! I had a pretty good summer, I have a brand new movie out – “Bob Roberts”! Go see it! Stick around – Sinead O’Conner is here, another big hit! We’ll be right back after this message!

SNL Transcripts

Cooking with Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
Nicky…..Phil Hartman
…..David Spade

Announcer: Iiiit’s “Cooking With Dennis Miller”! And now, it’s him!

[ open on Dennis Miller standing behind a faux kitchen set ]

Dennis Miller: Good afternoon. I got a great show. We’re gonna make some nice, uh.. pepper steaklets here. They’re low in fat, they only take twenty minutes; we’re gonna cook up some ratatouille right here. What is that, Picay? It sounds like a Gene Krupa tune, huh?

Nicky: An extended solo for Mr. Krupa!

Dennis Miller: Hey! Picay knows Krupa, huh! It caught me off guard, I’m like Oswald coming out for that prison transfer! Okay, well, what can I tell ya’? You see Bush on the campaign trail the other day, you see what he was eating? I mean, the guy’s 68, he’s woofing down this sausage some vendor’s handing him. I got a grandfather who’s 68, we don’t even let him eat a banana! [ laughs, tosses hair ] Okay, okay, we got a great show.. I’m a.. I’m a little out of it right now. Nicky, should I tell them what just happened, huh?

Nicky: Do what you must – your call!

Dennis Miller: Hey, I gotta unload this! I’m not being duplicious here, but I’m sorry, I’m just getting killed trying to book guests! I mean, the Galloping Gourmet is just playing hardball! I got Julia Child nailed – I mean, she was down for this Friday. But a half-hour ago, I get this call. She can’t do it because the Galloping Gourmet is threatening to ban her if she does my show – hey! I mean, we’re not even in the same time slot in the midwest – the Double G’s pulling my big guns away! What’s that all about, Nick guy?!

Nicky: [ chuckles ] I wish I knew!

Dennis Miller: Yeah, I mean, geez, I’m just trying to have my show here. i’m just trying to help people eat healthy meals that are inexpensive, easy to prepare! Okay. Fine. [ drinks from water bottle ] I gotta keep liquid in me. Still got a great guest, he’s my old buddy from “Saturday Night Live” – David Spade, everybody!

[ David Spade enters the set, as Dennis starts pounding noogies on him ]

Dennis Miller: Loosen up! Loosen up, for Christ’s sake! You’re so tight on me, Spookly Spoodly Doddly! Now, what do you got for me? Are you ready to crush some peppercorns, babe?

David Spade: Yeah.. yeah, I am. And I’m sorry about this Galloping Gourmet thing, that’s wrong.

Dennis Miller: Look, it’s the cooking biz! I’m just not going to socialize with the guy, okay? We used to shop at Farmer’s Market together. I’m telling you, Spooky, it’s cut-throat out there! Now.. the Cooking Cajun, he wouldn’t chill my guests, he’s a class man, okay! Alright. Okay. Look.. we start with two tablespoons of the olive oil, brush the steaks there, Spooky; heat the rest in a frying pan. Give me the red wine there, Spoodly!

David Spade: Hey, you know, uh.. I cook for my dates sometime. My last girlfriend broke up with me, and I said, “Do you think we’ll ever get back together again?” She said, “The chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded in rent-a-car.” So, that’s not good.

[ spattered applause ]

David Spade: You like that one?

Dennis Miller: Spudly? You’re doing your act on me, huh? Geez, I’m trying to get some steaklets going here, you’re going into your Dating Chunk, huh? What’s that all about? I’m getting hit from all sides! Criminy, I’m like Earnie Shavers after the 8th round here.

David Spade: I’m sorry, Denny.. that was uncalled for.

Dennis Miller: Listen, I need a friend today, okay? Just chill out. I got the G-squared guy to deal with.. Tommy Tang’s got a developmental deal at Viacom. I got enough trouble with Vicki Lawrence. Criminy, that’s like Burnett-lite over there. And that Christina chick, she’s bilingual; she’s got the language thing on me, Spooky.

David Spade: Yeah, I know.. [ changing subject ] Well, anyway, I got the garlic clove ready to-

Dennis Miller: I mean, I’m kicking myself for not taking Spanish, but geez! Tommy Tang. You like his food? What’s that all about, huh? Tommy, hey! The wok thing is over, okay? It reeks of ’87! I got a wok in my house – I use it to hold firewood, okay?

David Spade: Hey, listen.. did I tell you I’ll be at the Laugh Factory in Columbus on October 6th, and Zanie’s in Chicago, October 12th – come by!

Dennis Miller: You know, I had Prudhomme on last week, now I got no spatula! Walked out with it, apparently. Like he doesn’t have his own! Where were you, Nicky, huh? You’re my eyes and ears over there.

Announcer: This has been “Cooking with Dennis Miller”! Tomorrow night: Victoria Jackson!

SNL Transcripts