For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire
Goodnights
…..Rainn Wilson
Rainn Wilson: Alright! Thanks to Arcade Fire! [ reaches his arms back to grab: ] Rashida Jones! Everybody, I had a blast! Hey – check out “The Last Mimsy”, comes out next month! I love everybody here!! [ hugs Rashida Jones, as Arcade Fire runs off stage ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire
Danny’s Song
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Rainn…..Rainn Wilson
Will…..Will Forte
Bill…..Bill Hader
[ open on interior, barroom, Bill and Will sitting at a table as Jason approaches with beer bottles in his arms ]
Jason: First round’s on ME, boys!
The Boys: Alright! Awesome!
Jason: Yeah, I was gonna get some fancy microbrews, but then I just went with, uh, you know, some cheap stuff for old time’s sake!
The Boys: Right on! Right on!
[ Rainn approaches the table from the jukebox ]
Rainn: Hey, I hope you guys don’t mind – I threw a couple of bucks in the jukebox!
The Boys: Great! Great! Good! Right on!
Will: Hey! [ toasts his bottle ] To the best friends I’ve ever had!
[ they all clink their bottles together, then begin drinking as “Danny’s Song” pots up from the jukebox ]
Jason: Oh, man! I LOVE this song!
The Boys: Awww, me, too! Yes! Classic!
Jason: I remember the first time I heard it: I was nine years old, and my folks were driving me home from the emergency room.
Bill: Oh, oh – what happened?
Jason: Well, it’s kind of embarassing, but, in the fourth grade, my class went on a field trip to a petting zoo. And I had a little incident that ended with my — me, you know, getting bitten – on the penis. Right through my pants!
Rainn: Oh, God! That’s terrible.
Jason: Aw, that’s alright. They found the guy that did it.
[ the boys begin to sing as the jukebox hits the chorus ]
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Jason: That was the last time I saw my uncle!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Bill: You know what this song reminds me of?
Jason: What?
Bill: My dad. He loved this song. I remember we had this one great day at the park — we used to have so much fun. He was running in the grass, and chasing squirrels. They had this fountain, and we threw pennies in it for hours.
Will: Wow!
Bill: It was so great! The first day I ever thought to myself, “Just I have a Dad,” and not, “I have a Dad with Down’s Syndrome.”
[ the boys nod, as the jokebox hits the chorus once again ]
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Bill: He loved crayons!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Will: I’ll tell you what this song reminds me of.
Jason: [ chuckles ] Oh, here we go!
Will: The time I became an arsonist.
Jason: Yep! What’d I tell ya’?
Will: I was standing outside that burning building, embracing the powerful heat of the all-consuming flame, when a car drove by playing this very song.
Rainn: [ stunned ] No way!
Will: [ smiles ] I know! It was so crazy! And all I kept thinking was, “God! If they ever find out I did this, I will never be able to teach at this grade school again.”
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Will: You know what’s flammable? Fingerpaint!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Rainn: Yeah, I gotta say this song brings back a memory for me, too.
Bill: Uh-oh! This guy!
Rainn: I was having anonymous sex in the bathroom stall of a Bennigan’s at the Newark Airport? and I was standing inside this shopping bag – so, if the cops looked under the stall, it would appear as though there was only one pair of legs under there.
Will: ???
Rainn: And this song started playing over the PA! And I couldn’t help it! I laughed so hard, that the other guy’s PEE came out of my nose!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And even though we ain’t got money / I’m so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!”
Rainn: THE GUY’S PEE CAME OUT OF MY NOSE!!
The Boys: [ singing ] “And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything’s gonna be all right!”
Jason: Man! Music is the CLOSEST thing we have to a time machine!
Bill: It sure is!
Rainn: It brings back a LOT of memories!
Will: To memories!
The Boys: [ as they clink their bottles and sip ] Memories!
Rainn: [ sighs ] So – you guys ready to do this?
Jason: Let’s go!
[ they all remove guns from the inside pocket of their jackets, adjust the cartridges, then scream for everyone in the bar to surrender to them ]
[ the opening theme from “Pulp Fiction” pots up, as the words “The End” rise up and zoom in just like the main title from the film ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire
Riverbliss
Harpist…..Rainn Wilson
Tracey…..Kristen Wiig
Naseem…..Kenan Thompson
Kendra…..Maya Rudolph
Josiah…..Fred Armisen
[open on recording studio, with five musicians playing: Josiah on a keyboard, Kendra on a pan flute, on a harp, Naseem on chimes, and Tracey on djembes]
[music ends]
Harpist: Great jam, guys. Really good work.
Tracey, Naseem, Kendra, and Josiah: [mumbled, overlapping] Thank you.
Harpist: And I just want to say [pushes back hair on both sides] that I know we were all a little upset about losing the New Age Grammy to Enya again, but hey, you know what? [pushes back hair on right side] Riverbliss has never been about awards, right? And I just want to say that after we lost, I know there was some pretty angry talking behind people’s backs. Naseem, I know you were very critical about Tracey. [Naseem and Tracey look angrily at each other and then away] And Kendra, you were vocal about your problems with Naseem. And everyone came to me to complain about Josiah. [pushes back hair on right side] But I have to say, it feels like the positive energy is back, and I just love it. You know, I think this is really going to be Riverbliss’ year. So let’s move on with “Lunarscape.” And 2, 3, 4, and…
[the musicians play]
Tracey: Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. [music stops] Sorry, I just wanted to remind Naseem that we’re actually playing for real now.
Naseem: I know that.
Tracey: Oh, it just seemed like you were fooling around.
Kendra: Yeah, me, too.
Josiah: Yeah, because you do that. A lot.
Naseem: I was not fooling around. I always take rehearsal very seriously.
Tracey: If that’s true, why does Enya have my Grammy?!
Harpist: Okay, okay, Tracey, look, look, we lost the Grammy; we need to get past that. And I have been in a lot of New Age bands. And let me tell you that once they start infighting, it is over. Okay, so let’s do “Crystal Breezes,” but maybe pick it up in the middle. And 3, 4, 5, and…
[the musicians play while Kendra glares and Naseem and Tracey seethe at each other]
Naseem: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, [music stops] can we stop for a second? Should we maybe take a break so that Kendra can tune her flute?
Kendra: Um, it’s a pan flute, and it’s in tune, Naseem.
Naseem: Really? Well, in that case, I need to make an appointment with my ear doctor, because that hurt my ears.
Kendra: Oh, great chime playing, by the way. It’s so amazing how you can do what the wind can do.
Naseem: I hate your face!
Harpist: Okay! Okay. Okay. [pushes back hair on both sides] You know what I think will bring us around? “Dewey Petals.” So let’s take “Dewey Petals” from somewhere near the end. Ready, and, 2, 3, 4…
[the musicians play while Kendra, Naseem, and Tracey make angry faces]
Josiah: Wait, stop! Stop! [music stops] Tracey, uh, is that what you’re gonna play? Because I have a little something that sounds really good with that.
Harpist: Oh, that’s good. This is good. It’s called collaboration.
Josiah: Yeah. This sounds just like what you sound like. [he hits a button and produces a sound of flatulence]
Tracey: Very mature, Josiah.
[flatulent sound]
Harpist: Josiah, are you done? [flatulent sound] Guys! [flatulent sound] Okay, okay, what do you say we just take a band field trip to the Crystal Stone?
Naseem: I got an idea. Why don’t you buy the biggest crystal that they have and shove it right up your–
Harpist: Naseem! Don’t say something you don’t mean!
Naseem: Oh, I mean it, and I will do it myself
Harpist: I see. Well, then, let me say something. I am so tired [pushes back hair on both sides] of carrying this band on my back! Okay, anyone who wants to fight me, bring it on! I am ready! Bring it on! [assumes martial arts pose]
Tracey: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just want to remind everyone that we only have the studio for nine more hours.
Harpist: I know that! There’s a clock on the wall! I know how much time we have in the studio, okay?! Okay, God, you know what I need to do? I need to take all this energy and I just need to channel it into a jam on my harp. So I invite anyone who wants to, to join along with me. [he sits at his harp and begins to play gentle music while snarling angrily] Augh! Ugh! Yeah! Feel it! [other musicians join in] Oh, I tell you something. If I were Enya, I would be worried about next year.
[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
February 24th, 2007
Rainn Wilson
Arcade Fire
None
Rashida Jones
Lorne Michaels The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Darrell Hammond) tries to maintain CNN’s integrity as a news leader in spite of endless crawl reports focused on the death of Anna Nicole Smith. Even correspondent Andrew (Rainn Wilson) trades in his integrity to follow a false lead on the Smith story.
Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Larry King.
Montage
Rainn Wilson’s MonologueSummary: Rainn wilson insists that “Saturday Night Live” is nothing like “The Office”, though a walk backstage among cast members mimicking characters from his show proves otherwise.
Bio: Rainn Wilson (1968-). Actor; co-stars as Dwight Shrute on the American version of “The Office”; married to author Holiday Reinhorn.
Bio: Rashida Jones (1976-). Actress/musician; daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton; appears as Karen on “The Office”.
Transcript
Danny’s SongSummary: While in a bar, the sounds of “Danny’s Song” on the jukebox spurns memories of unusual life-changing events for four buddies (Rainn Wilson, Bill Hader, Will Forte, Jason Sudeikis).
Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Corporate head (Rainn Wilson) leans to his collection of bizarre staff members for suggestions on how to cut costs within the organization.
Transcript
NunisSummary: The home of Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) is almost profiled in Architectural Digest.
Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni.
Transcript
Peeping TomSummary: A perverted peeping tom (Rainn Wilson) is the only witness to a crime, but he can’t identify the killer from a police line-up without using his own creepy tactics.
Transcript
Arcade Fire performs “Intervention”Bio: Indie rock band from Canada; members are: husband-and-wife team Win Butler and Régine Chassagne, and Richard Reed Parry, William Butler, Tim Kingsbury, Sarah Neufeld, Jeremy Gara.
Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Judge Larry Seidlin (Fred Armisen) comments on his loony sense of logic in the Anna Nicole Smith custody trial. Amy Poehler’s Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) weighs in on this year’s Oscar nominees. Prince Harry (Andy Samberg) is suddenly disgusted at the thought of witnessing the Iraqi death toll firsthand as a new recruit.
Recurring Characters: Judge Larry Seidlin, Aunt Linda.
Transcript
IntrovertsSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte) and Jean (Kristen Wiig) train newbie (Rainn Wilson) on his first day on the job.
Recurring Characters: Neil, Jean.
Transcript
White Possum ScreamSummary: In a production based on the trailer for “Black Snake Moan”, (Kenan Thompson) chains (Rainn Wilson) for his personal amusement.
Arctic Fire performs “Keep the Car Running”Lyrics
RiverblissSummary: New Age band members fight over their failure to win a Grammy.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
]]>
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
ADD Talk ShowSummary: Talk show hosts (Kenan Thompson, Amy Poehler) suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder are unable to stay focused on their guest (Rainn wilson), who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Nike Pick UpsSummary: Sneakers for guys can’t play basketball very well.
CoffinSummary: Consumer (Will Forte) suffering from a long list of ailments may be in a need of a brand new coffin.
The FalconerSummary: Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) discovers that his entire existence is a lie, that he’s nothing more than a recurring character on “Saturday Night Live.”
Recurring Character: Ken Mortimer.
Job InterviewSummary: Applicant (Rainn Wilson) dressed like Michael Jackson for a crucial job interview.
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger From 1933Summary: In 1933, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) spouts the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly.
Recurring Character: The Out-of-Breath Jogger.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban
Singing Waiter
Benjamin Tellurine….Forest Whitaker
Anne….Amy Poehler
Reggie….Will Forte
Bill….Bill Hader
Fred….Fred Armisen
Maya….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with an outside shot of Assiago’s restaurant.Dissolves to the inside. Two couples share a table. Awaiter is bringing their orders, setting plates down]
Reggie: Let’s see. We have penne a la vodka, linguiniwith clam sauce and 2 shrimp Alfredo. Thank you verymuch for being patient. Enjoy.
Anne: Thank you so much.
Bill: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Reggie: Now while you’re enjoying our deliciouscuisine here at Assagio’s, we welcome you to alsofeast on the musical talents of one of our seniorservers, Benjamin Tellurine.
Maya: Oh!
Anne: Oh!
[In comes Benjamin. He’s black with a badly combedafro, shirt and tie. Presents himself with some handgestures. Talks kind of gay]
Benjamin Tellurine: Tonight I will be singing my ownarrangement of a song. “Do not let the sun come downon me” by Mr. Elton Johns. Enjoy. Reggie?
[Reggie pushes play on a portable radio. Music plays]
Benjamin Tellurine:[Sings]”Don’t let the sun/come downon me/although I searched myself there is someone elseI see/just another fragment of your life to wanderfree/but losing everything/is like the sun going downon me-e-e-e”
[The couples applaud, very pleased with theperformance]
Benjamin Tellurine: “On me-e-e-e-e-e!”[musiccrescendo]”Don’t let the sun come down on me/althoughI searched myself there is someone else I see/justanother fragment[croons on Maya ear, still enjoyingthe performance] of your life to wander free/butlosing everything/is like the sun going down onme-e-e-e-e-e!”
[Applause. They are very pleased with the performance]
Anne: Thank you so much.
Benjamin Tellurine: “On me-e-e-e-e-e!![music crescendocontinues, couples getting annoyed]
Anne: What the hell?
Maya: I don’t want to be rude.
[Benjamin closes his eyes and dances lightly in rapture]
Benjamin Tellurine: “Don’t let the sun go down on me/although I searched myself there is always someoneelse I see/ just another fragment of your life towander free/ but losing everything/ is like the sungoing down on me-e-e-e-e!”
Bill: This is it, this is it. Yeah.
[Polite applause]
Fred: Thank you. Thank you very much, sir.
Benjamin Tellurine: “On me-e-e-e-e-e!!”[musiccrescendo again] Don’t let the sun go down onme/although I searched myself there is someone else Isee/ just another fragment of your life to wanderfree/ but losing everything is like the sun going downon me-e-e-e-e!”
Bill: I’m eating. We eat, we eat.
Anne: Let’s just eat.
Maya: I’m starving!
Fred: Enough is enough.
[They eat hungrily and ignore his rendition of thesong. Song is about to end]
Bill: Oh, thank God.
Anne: Wooo!!
[Applause looking to stop the now hellish performance]
Benjamin Tellurine:”Is like the sun going down, islike the sun going down, is like the sun going down onme-e-e-e-e-e!!!O-o-o-o-on me-e-e-e-e-e-e!!![musiccrescendo and continues]Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh ohohohoh,oh oh,oh[Oh’s are to the beat of the song]oh, oh,ohohohoh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh!
Anne: Oh my God! I want to hit this guy with the creamer!
Maya: Anne, that’s not right.
Bill: I agree. The creamer is not going to do jack.You know, I’m gonna clip him in the nuts with the bread plate!
Fred: He comes out right when our food came. Makes no sense to me!
[Benjamin keeps singing nonsense]
Benjamin: “O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, it’s like the sun goingdown on-ohohohohohohohohoho o-o-o-o-o-o-onme-e-e-e-e!!!![music crescendo again, continues]Don’tlet the sun—-[almost indistinct]
Maya: What is happening??!!
[Shot of outside of Assagio’s]
Caption: Ten Minutes Later.
[Back to the scene in the restaurant. Music for thesong continues and Benjamin is mouthing the words tothe song now]
Anne: Why can’t we hear him anymore?
Bill: He’s singing above any pitch human hearing can detect.
Maya:[mouth full, miserable]Are you sure he’s still singing?
Fred: Oh, yes. Still singing.[Eyeglasses shatter on his face]
[Benjamin is in another place with the song. There isa thin, piercing shriek sounding, dogs are barking andhowling madly]
Anne: Dogs? There are dogs in here?
Maya: Stop it, stop it.
[Glasses shatter on the table, they explode. Song ends]
Benjamin Tellurine: Thank you. And now—-my nextsong. A timeless classic. “Goodbye, goodbye, MissAmerica Pie” Enjoy. “A long time ago….
Anne: No!, no!
[They throw bread, the little baskets and utensils atBenjamin who starts anyway another passionate performance]
[Fade]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
]]>
06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Rev. Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
Bill Oefelein…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for President. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond.
This week, Senator Obama answered doubts about his experience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, Key Club president, 4H treasurer, lunchroom monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap.
Many Republicans are upset with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s recent demand for regular use of the Air Force’s C-32, the same type of aircraft that the Vice-President and the First Lady use. They’re also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington “Cleopatra-Style.”
Seth Meyers: Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider “war-on-terrorism taxes.” Or, as they’re currently known, “taxes.”
The FDA on Wednesday approved over-the-counter sales of the weight loss drug Orlistat. Next up for the FDA — recalling Orlistat.
Amy Poehler: This week, in an ironic twist, while making a speech on global warming, Al Gore froze to death.
Seth Meyers: With Barack Obama gearing up to run in 2008, pundits are saying that the United States could FINALLY be ready for a Black President. Here to comment are two former Presidential candidates — Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Uh — [ repeatedly rubs his nose with his thumb ] Uh — greetings, Seth and Amy. The age of.. a Black president.. is indeed.. upon us.
Rev. Al Sharpton: [ slaps the desk ] HALLELUJAH!!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Tonight, we want to talk to you personally, Mr. Barack Obama.. because, you see, in America, unfortunately, there are degrees of Blackness.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Scales of soul!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Which is why — which is why we came up with this chart.
[ Al Sharpton holds up a chart labeled “Blackness Scale”, which features the heads of Black people lined up along a colored meter ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: It’s our Blackness Scale. Measuring degrees of Blackness.. in the eyes of others.
Rev. Al Sharpton: ie: WHITE PEOPLE!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Now, understand that everyone and everything on this chart.. is unequivocally Black!
Rev. Al Sharpton: But, perhaps, some are MORE Black than others! Look at it this way: [ indicates the three rising color schemes ] If these people were cars, they would be Oldsmobile, Cadillac, a tricked-out Impara! [ demonstrates again ] Cream in your coffee, straight black, with a shot of Hennessy!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But.. we ALL.. delicious hot beverages. Now — [ twitches his shoulders for an extended period ] Now, please observe — [ squeezes his nostrils ] Mr. Barack Obama, for there is only so much Blackness.. the American voter can take. Now — [ points to the second tier of the Green level ] if you’re here, with the Black Eyed Peas, then you’ll be fine.
Rev. Al Sharpton: But, once you get up into here — [ motions upward to the Yellow level ] you’re moving into Allen Iverson territory.
Rev. Jesse Jackson: And that’s unelectable. And now, Barack, at this point in time.. you’re right — [ Sharpton picks up a pointer with a cutout of Barack Obama’s head on the head, and motions it right above Will Smith’s head at the highest level of Green ] At this point in time, you are right about here.. above Will Smith.. but just below Bill Clinton.
Rev. Al Sharpton: But — this could change, as the American people get to know you better! For example:
Rev. Jesse Jackson: You were raised by a single mother and your grandparents —
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama to the Yellow level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Uh — in Hawaii.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving back! [ lowers Obama back to the Green level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: You have an African name: “Barack.”
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama back to the Yellow level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But in high school, you went by “Barry.”
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving down! [ lowers Obama back to the Green level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: You married a Black woman —
Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama back to the Yellow level ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But in the past, you dated White women.
Rev. Al Sharpton: STILL moving up! [ raises Obama up to the Red level ]
[ Jesse Jackson is surprised by that result, as Sharpton puts the chart away ]
Rev. Jesse Jackson: But.. we have faith in you. And, as this campaign is innovated and cultivated.. we know voters will be.. mo-ti-vated!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Mmm!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: To FINALLY.. ELECT YOU.. the FIRST.. BLACK President.. of the United States of America!!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It should have been ME!
Rev. Jesse Jackson: Or ME!!
Seth Meyers: Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A new survey shows that America’s Jewish population has reached 7.4 million. But, for you — 5 million.
A London hair stylist has been using bull semen to soften his clients’ hair. Worse, it’s “Bull” from “Night Court.”
Seth Meyers: Richard Knoebel, a police chief in Wisconsin, wrote himself a $235 dollar traffic ticket, and docked himself four points on his driving record for driving past a stopped school bus with its emergency lights flashing. Knoebel then argued the ticket and beat himself half to death.
The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after a former male prostitute alleged that Haggard paid him for sex, says that he is now “completely heterosexual” after attending an intensive three-week counseling program. Hear that gay people? Three weeks. Stop being so lazy.
Amy Poehler: The bizarre story of NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak driving across country to attack a love rival dominated headlines this week. But little is known about the actual nature of her relationship with space shuttle pilot Bill Oefelein, the man at the center of the NASA love triangle. Here to comment on the situation, in an exclusive Weekend Update interview, is Commander Bill Oefelein.
Bill Oefelein: Alright! Alright! Amy, let me just start by saying that this whole thing has been blown WAY out of proportion! If anyone is to blame for this situation, I am.
Amy Poehler: Really? Why — why is that?
Bill Oefelein: [ chuckles heartily ] What, are you kidding me? Look at me! [ smiles ] I’m a hunk! I fly spaceships. I’m Han Solo, for realsies! In addition, I trained at the U.S. Navy’s Fire & Weapons School — you know what that is, dollface?
Amy Poehler: [ laughs nervously ] No, I don’t.
Bill Oefelein: [ chuckles again ] That’s Top Gun! As in Tom Cruise Top Gun! As in “Based on ME” Top Gun!
Amy Poehler: [ intrigued, plays with her hair ] Realllly?
Bill Oefelein: [ laughs ] Yeah, now look atcha! [ lays his hand across Amy’s backside ] Picturing me riding my motorcycle, playing beach volleyball with my shirt off, getting all sweaty, giving intricate high-fives.. trying to get inside ladies’ danger zones! [ smiles ] If you know what I’m sayin’! [ lowers his shades ] Ha ha! Wink! Pretty powerful image, isn’t it? You probably feel a little unstable yourself!
Amy Poehler: [ enjoying herself ] Stop it, Billy-O!
Bill Oefelein: Good God, Mama! I bet you’re even sexier weightless!
Amy Poehler: [ laughs ] He’s such a —
Bill Oefelein: [ laughs along with her ] Hey, you ever thought about joining the 62-Mile High Club?
Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] You had sex in space?
Bill Oefelein: Absolutely, Sweet Pea! And let me tell ya’ something — the best Tang in the galaxy cannot be mixed with water! If you know what I’m sayin’! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah! [ lowers his shades again ] DOUBLE wink!
Amy Poehler: You know, I-I-I wouldn’t mind if you stirred my Tang!
Bill Oefelein: Really? I wouldn’t mind gettin’ you in a pair of Huggies!
Amy Poehler: Wow! That’s so sweet!
[ Bill blows Amy a kiss ]
Seth Meyers: Okay, that’s enough. That’s enough, Commander Bill Oefelein. Thank you. Thank you.
Bill Oefelein: [ backs off ] Yeah, babe. Catch ME! [ wheels away, as Amy waves goodbye ]
Seth Meyers: An Illinois man, who is a Chicago Bears fan, will legally change his name to Peyton Manning after losing a Super Bowl bet. Though as far as his family is concerned, he’ll always remain “Rex Grossman.”
The Dalai Lama, Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, has been named a presidential distinguished professor at Emory University. The Dalai Lama says that, while it is an honorary position, he will still try to use it to bone some undergrads.
Amy Poehler: A 76-year-old woman from Malaysia, has been reunited with her family 25 years after she got on the wrong bus. And, just as they’d feared, she forgot to pick up eggs.
For many of the Super Bowl’s 93 million viewers, the highlight of the broadcast was Prince’s halftime performance. ‘Cuase, let’s face it — no one plays their huge, erect penis better than Prince.
A savvy billionaire says he’s in talks with Disney to build a theme park in the middle Eastern nation of Bahrain. He said the parks will be similar to those in America, with just a few minor differences: [ show Mickey Mouse dressed normally, Minnie Mouse wrapped completely in burqa ]
Seth Meyers: This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino — and then another baby — and then a lemon — Aagghh! So close! Even worse, during the delivery, she crapped out.
Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 6,000 years ago, still hugging each other — which I’m sure was her idea.
For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
Seth Meyers: Have a happy St. Valentine’s Day!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban
A Message from the Staten Island Zoo
Karen Donnally…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on title slide ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the Staten Island Zoo.
[ cut to zoo office, Karen Donnally seated behind desk ]
Karen Donnally: Greetings, wildlife enthusiasts! My name is Karen Donnally, and today I’d like to talk about some very special animals that don’t get much attention: sloths! They’re furry — [ with grave uncertainty ] they have.. two or three toes, and, yes, they’re very, very slow. Luckily, we’ve just received a brand new documentary on these adorable creatures, from a group of students at Staten Island Technical High School. I haven’t seen it yet, but I heard it’s a real eye-opener! Let’s check it out!
[ cut to documentary jungle footage ]
[ SUPER: “Somewhere” ]
[ SUPER: “Deep In The Jungle” ]
[ a heavy metal guitar riff kicks in, as cutouts of sloth photos swing across the screen. The lyrics that bounce upon the screen match the animation of that sloth cutouts throughout the documentary video. ]
Theme:
“SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
We sleep 18 hours, but we always party 24!
Hunt in packs, and we eat algae off our fur!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
We got 3 toes, but we’ll pound down 3,000 Bud Lights!
Break your nose, and kick your face in a punch fight!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
We eat bamboo, but prefer your girls’ ***********!
Shank your mom, with a pterodactyl ********* bone!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
Hire a dog, to burn down a hospital!
Eat cocaine, off America’s gravestone!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
Don’t call us slow
Don’t call us slo-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwwwww!!
[ guitar riff ]
Kill all of your friends, and ride their corpses like a carousel!
Put your ****** inside our *****, and kill you if you ever tell!
SLOTHS!!”
[ dissolve back to Karen Donnally at her desk. She is clearly shocked and disturbed by the video ]
Karen Donnally: That was — that was not entirely accurate.
[ cut back to title slide ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the Staten Island Zoo.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban
Goodnights
…..Forest Whitaker
Forest Whitaker: I want to thank Keith Urban for his, uh, amazing music! It’s been an amazing week, and there’s a bunch of amaznig people at “SNL” and “Saturday Night Live” — this AMAZING cast! It’s been an AMAZING time! Thank you! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban
Am I A Crazy Street Person?
Speed Pendleton…..Jason Sudeikis
Claire Brinkley…..Kristen Wiig
Alex Grenki…..Forest Whitaker
Gary Blinz…..Fred Armisen
Eddie Van Milkser…..Will Forte
Sam Fantastic…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on game show set ]
Announcer: Welcome back to the ONLY game show that asks the question: [ title zooms in ] “Am I A Crazy Street Person?” And now, your host — Speed Pendleton!
[ Speed comes running onto the set, chuckling heartily ]
Speed Pendleton: Alright! Welcome to the show! Let’s meet our contestants!
[ show Claire Brinkley ]
Speed Pendleton: She’s a mother of two, from San Diego, California — please welcome, Claire Brinkley!
Claire Brinkley: Hi, Speed!
[ show Alex Grenki ]
Speed Pendleton: And — he’s an entrepreneur, ALSO from San Diego — Alex Grenki!
Alex Grenki: Hey, Speed!
Speed Pendleton: Both from San Diego — nice coincidence!
Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] You actually look familiar.
Alex Grenki: Great!
Speed Pendleton: Contestants — contestants, you know how the game works. A mystery guest will come out and tell you their profession. You ask them questions, and then decide: “Are they telling the truth, or are they a crazy street person?” Let’s bring out our first mystery guest. His name is Gary Blinz, and he claims to be a sea captain.
[ music plays, as Gary steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in tattered seaman’s clothing. ]
Gary Blinz: Ahoy there!
Speed Pendleton: Alright, Claire — you have the first question.
Claire Brinkley: How long have you been a sea captain?
Gary Blinz: [ clutching a seaman’s pipe ] I have been a ski captain from the day I graduated from the esteemed Sea Captain Academy in Hastings, England, United Kingdom.
Speed Pendleton: Alex.
Alex Grenki: Do you like the sea?
Gary Blinz: I like the sea VERY much!
Claire Brinkley: Where’s the ship’s bow?
Gary Blinz: Wherever the captain says it is! [ lets out a boisterous nervous laugh ]
[ Alex is also laughing ]
Alex Grenki: What’s the ocean like?
Gary Blinz: It’s very nice.
Claire Brinkley: Name an ocean.
Gary Blinz: [ thinking, comes up with nothing ] Pass!
Alex Grenki: How big is your boat?
Gary Blinz: It’s the size of a cardboard refrigerator box.
[ bell dings ]
Speed Pendleton: Okay. Let’s make your guesses. Is he a sea captain, or a crazy street person? [ Claire and Alex write down their answers, as the timer sounds ] Alright. Claire, you guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” and, Alex, you said: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Sea Captain.” The right answer is: CRAZY!! [ steps over to Alex’s podium ] Alright. So, Alex, uh — [ Gary walks across the stage to exit ] What the heck? [ continues ] Alex, what made you say Sea Captain?
Alex Grenki: Well, he liked the sea.
Speed Pendleton: [ shakes his head ] He couldn’t name an ocean.
Alex Grenki: I’ll get him next time!cI don’t doubt it! Well, let’s bring him out. He says he’s a spaceman — Eddie Van Milkser!
[ music plays, as Eddie steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in what looks like a homemade space costume. ]
Eddie Van Milkser: Hel-lo there!
Alex Grenki: [ excited ] Ohhh! A spaceman!
Speed Pendleton: Ah, not so fast. Let’s, uh — let’s ask some questions first, alright? Alex, it’s your turn.
Alex Grenki: [ to Gary ] What is it like being a spaceman?
Eddie Van Milkser: It’s the thrill of a life-time!
Claire Brinkley: [ poker-faced ] Were you born in space?
Eddie Van Milkser: I was born in Cleve-land and MOVED to space!
Alex Grenki: Are you friends with other spacemen?
Eddie Van Milkser: Yes! We ALL live to-geth-er — it’s a ZOO!
Alex Grenki: Is that the outfit you wear in space?
Eddie Van Milkser: [ angry ] I don’t like your TONE!!
Alex Grenki: What’s your favorite animal at the zoo?
Eddie Van Milkser: The wooly bear. It’s a creature I brought back from Mars — half-bear, half-Garbouli bean!
Claire Brinkley: [ smiles ] I don’t need my last question.Eddie Van Milkser: Alright, well, let’s write down your answers! [ Claire and Alex write down their answers ] Spaceman, or Crazy Street Person? Hmmmm.. [ timer sounds ] Alright, Claire guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” And Alex guessed: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Spaceman and also my hero.” Alright. and the answer was: CRAZY!! Claire, what have him away?
Claire Brinkley: Well, he’s wearing a tin foil helmet —
Speed Pendleton: Uh-huh.
Claire Brinkley: And he yelled at me —
Speed Pendleton: Yeah.
Claire Brinkley: And there’s no such thing as a spaceman.
Speed Pendleton: Makes sense to me! [ smiles ] Well, don’t worry, Alex, ’cause in the last round the points are doubled.
Claire Brinkley: Speed, can I talk to you?
Speed Pendleton: [ taken aback ] Uh — sure. Go ahead.
Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] Excuse me. [ steps over to Speed ] I know where I recognize Alex from — he’s on flyers all over town. He escaped from the institution.
Speed Pendleton: You sure that’s him?
[ Alex wanders over ]
Alex Grenki: What are you guys talking about?
Speed Pendleton: I —
Claire Brinkley: N-nothing.
Speed Pendleton: The score! [ laughs, as Alex returns to his podium ] Well, it’ll be over soon, so —
Claire Brinkley: Okay. [ returns to her podium ]
Speed Pendleton: Let’s bring out our next stranger. He’s Sam Fantastic, and he’s a VERY important businessman!
[ music plays, as Sam steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in a dirty business suit, with wild hair and a crooked cigarette dangling from his mouth. ]
Sam Fantastic: Well! Hello, y’all! I ask only that we make this quick! ‘Cause I am on my way to a very importantest business meeting!
Claire Brinkley: Alex can have my questions.
Speed Pendleton: Alright.
Alex Grenki: What business are you in?
Speed Pendleton: Importantest business!
Alex Grenki: [ chuckles ] You aren’t gonna fool me this time! That’s a businessman!
Claire Brinkley: No, it’s NOT!!
[ bell dings ]
Speed Pendleton: You are CORRECT, Claire!! Which means YOU go to the Bonus Round!! And, Alex, I’m sorry — you get our home game!
Alex Grenki: [ excited ] YES!! YES!! BONUS ROUND, let’s go!
Speed Pendleton: No, no — no, Alex, you lost.
Alex Grenki: [ confused ] But how can I have lost? I invented the telphone.
Sam Fantastic: Did you say.. tele-ma-phone?
Alex Grenki: Yes!
Sam Fantastic: Wow! You are the very kind of man I would like to be in business with! Care to join me at my meeting?
Alex Grenki: [ happy ] Yes! Let’s stop for Jell-o on the way! [ steps past Claire and gyrates behind her ] YES!! YES!! Yes, yes, yes!!
[ Alex and Sam walk off together ]
Speed Pendleton: I am so sorry about that.
Claire Brinkley: I am definitely suing.
Speed Pendleton: I would if I were you.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban
Happy Valentine’s Day from the Cheney Family
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Lynne Cheney…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on title card: “Happy Valentine’s Day from the Cheney Family” ]
Announcer: And now, a Valentine’s moment from Vice-President Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney: Hello. I’m Dick Cheney. This is my wife, Lynne.
Lynne Cheney: Hello.
Dick Cheney: You know, Valentine’s Day is always special, here at the Cheney household. We love all the cards we get from our friends and family, and, uh, we always make time to share them with each other. So, tonight, we thought, suring this somwhat acrimonious political season, why not share our Valentine’s with everyone? Spread the jots of wealth. For example, here’s one from a former member of my staff, and close friend, Scooter Libby:
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If I go to jail,
You’re gonna go, too.”
[ smiles ] “Happy Valentine’s – Scooter Libby.”
[ looks to Lynne ] Do we even know anyone named Scooter Libby?
Lynne Cheney: I don’t think so.
Dick Cheney: I didn’t think so.
Lynne Cheney: Here’s one from our old friend, Harry Whittington. [ hands Dick the card ]
Dick Cheney: You may remember that he and I were involved in a hunting accident last year around this time. [ clears throat ] He writes:
“Dear, Dick:
Remember when you shot me in the face?
Well, down here in Texas, when I go any place,
They say, ‘There goes the guy Dick Cheney shot in the face.'”
That’s nice.
Lynne Cheney: Yes. Here’s one from our good friend, Wolf Blitzer, over at CNN. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: Recently, Wolf and I shared an uncomfortable moment after an appearance on his show where he made the mistake of asking me about my daughter, which I consider off-limits. [ opens card ]
“Dear, Dick:
It’s true I crossed the line,
But let’s save the drama for the thespians.
Your daughter had a baby,
And that baby.. will be raised by queers.”
[ flips the card around, curiously ] What the hell – that doesn’t even rhyme. I don’t think we like Wolf Blitzer too much. Lynne, you, uh – you wrote him a Valentine’s this year, didn’t you?
Lynne Cheney: Yes, I did. I’m not really a poet. Here goes:
“Hey, Wolf Blitzer,
Yuo sanctimonious buffoon.
Your time is coming,
And it’s coming real soon.
Dick’s gonna get you,
And he’s gonna cut off your beard.
And you’re gonna look weird,
When you don’t have a beard.
Happy Valentine’s Day.”
Dick Cheney: I like that. I —
Lynne Cheney: [ cuts him off ] Here’s one from Lance Corporal Peter Fine. He’s stationed in Iraq. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: Alright. Now, I’m very instrumental in the decision to free Iraq, and I think our troops understand that and appreciate it:
“Happy Valentine’s, Mr. Cheney,
It’s hot here, in Iraq.
I can’t wait for you to get here,
So you can suck –“
I don’t think we need to finish that. [ Lynne shakes her head no ] Why don’t you, uh — why don’t you, uh, hand me antoher one from the uh, from the Iraq bunch?
Lynne Cheney: Sure. [ sifts through the stack of cards, examining each one first ] Well, you don’t want to read this one. [ examines next card ] This one’s not very nice. [ examines next card ] Can’t say that word on the air! Um, why don’t we just, uh, just read these later? [ smiles ]
Dick Cheney: Alright.
Lynne Cheney: Here’s one from all of our friends over at Halliburton. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: Oh, that’s nice of them. “Dear Dick: No words could tell the friendship we share with you. So please except this small gift, so that we shall remain true. Happy Valentine’s Day, your friends at Halliburton.” Very nice. And, look – it’s a Barnes & Noble gift card.
Lynne Cheney: Hmm. That’s sweet. How much?
Dick Cheney: Uh – oh! Half a million dollars! [ chuckles heartily ]
Lynne Cheney: Maybe we should just read one more.
Dick Cheney: Alright.
Lynne Cheney: Read this one. [ hands card to Dick ]
Dick Cheney: [ reads ]
“The terrorists are coming to kill us
They want our way of life to end.
We must live every day in fear,
Because fear is our only friend.
Love, Lynne Cheney.”
[ takes her hand ] You do know the way to my heart!
Lynne Cheney: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Dick Cheney: And Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you — also, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”