[Opens with an outside shot of a house at night. Cutto the inside of it. Dining room. Two couples havejust finished dinner. Jason and Julia are the hosts.Bill and Kristen are visiting.]
Bill: Wow, I still can’t believe you guys won the lottery.
Julia: I know, neither can we!
Kristen: Are you worried it’s going to change you?
Jason: Oh, no. We’re not going to be any differentthan we were before we won the lottery.[Callsout] Home-Bot!! Clear table!!
Bill: Wait, you guys bought a robot?
Jason: Ok, its our one extravagance.
[Kitchen door opens. A big, metallic robot entersdining room. Round helmet, square torso, arms, rollson wheels]
Julia: Yeah, well I wouldn’t even call it anextravagance. I mean, it’s so practical. Watch this, watch.
Bill: I’m sorry but do we have to sit here and listen to this?
Julia: Oh, relax. You can just ignore them.
[Drilling sounds continues]
Jason: So, you guys watch “Heroes”?
[Repair-Bot head pops from the kitchen door going inand out, getting it robot doggy-style, head bouncesoff the door. The visiting couple can’t believe their eyes]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Guest Writers:
March 17th, 2007 Julia Louis-Dreyfus Snow Patrol None Chris Rock Kent Sublette SNL Special Report: Road to the White HouseSummary: Chris Rock gives his political insight on the candidates vying for the Presidency in 2008, and compares the qualities of Democratic frontrunners Oback Barama and Hillary Clinton. Note: In dress rehearsal, Chris Rock performed this bit as a commentary on “Weekend Update.” Transcript
Montage
Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ MonologueSummary: Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows off clips which make the point that her life is constantly under scrutiny from the media. Transcript
OprahSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) loudly praises the work of Rhonda Byrne’s (Amy Poehler) new book, “The Secret.” Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.
MonexSummary: Gold enthusiast (Kristen Wiig) praises the power and allure of gold and gold-covered objects. Transcript
Restless Penis SyndromeSummary: When a woman (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) is convinced that her husband (Jason Sudeikis) is fooling around behind her back, he justifies his behavior by admitting to suffering from Restless Penis Syndrome amd quickly films a public service announcement for it in their bedroom. Transcript
La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny VedecciSummary: Fast-talking Italian talk show host Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.
Snow Patrol performs “You’re All I Have”Bio: Alternative rock band based in Glasgow, Sweden; members are: Gary Lightbody (lead vocals, guitar), Paul Wilson (bass guitar, backing vocals), Jonny Quinn (drums, percussion), Nathan Connolly (guitar, backing vocals), Tom Simpson (keyboards).
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Judge Larry Seidlin (Fred Armisen) uses his loony sense of logic to discuss the possible resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Amy Poehler drunk-dials Seth Meyers after celebrating a ltitle St. Patrick’s Day cheer. Recurring Characters: Judge Larry Seidlin. Transcript
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) and co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg) dish out more of the club music scene. Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
CBS CaresSummary: Julia Louis-Dreyfus tangos with obnoxious boom mike operator Jeff (Jason Sudeikis) while filming a CBS-sponsored breast cancer PSA directed by Mike Underballs (Bill Hader). Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff. Transcript
Home-botsSummary: A lottery-winning couple (Jason Sudekis, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) have splurged on a group of robots (Will Forte, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson) that are not only slow and inefficient, but also repair one another in exchange for group sex benefits. Transcript
Snow Patrol performs “Chasing Cars”
The Search for the Next Pussycat DollSummary: The CW Network hosts a competition to find the next member of the Pussycat Dolls. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush’s remarks on current events delineates into March Madness.
Nike Pick UpsSummary: Sneakers for guys can’t play basketball very well.
American HairlinesSummary: Airline personnel suffer from receding hairlines.
Tax Preparers
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about his brither-in-law Roy.
Hearing TestSummary: A woman (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) receives an old-fashioned hearing test.
Hockey DateSummary: A hockey fanatic (Will Forte) is frustrated when his blind date (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) knows nothing about his favorite sport.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers Judge Larry Seidlin…..Fred Armisen Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig Prince Harry…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stoties:
The British Are Leaving! The British Are Leaving! This week, after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced England would withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq, Denmark announced that they are withdrawing their troop. [ show image of lone soldier ] Welcome home, Torsten.
Monday was President’s Day and, as expected, President Bush was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents.
Seth Meyers: It was reported Friday that Democrat Tom Vilsack, is abandoning his bid for the presidency, which he started last November. Lets look back at some of the highlights of that historic run:
[ cut to video clip of Tom Vilsack ]
Tom Vilsack: Uhh —
[ cut back to Seth Meyers ]
Seth Meyers: Well miss you Tom Whats-Your-Face!
Three large balloons were floated above the Pentagon this past weekend, as the U.S. Defense Department tested its chemical and biological weapons defenses. So rest easy, America. In the case of an attack, weve got three large balloons.
Amy Poehler: [ over image of Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov ] For the first time since the Soviet era, Turkmenistan has sworn in a new leader. So, congratulations and good luck to.. [ Amy makes several bad attempts at pronoucing his name, until: ] Congratulations to Mr. B!
Seth Meyers: You’re the best, Mr. B!
Amy Poehler: Whoo!
Seth Meyers: This week, in a Miami, Florida court, Judge Larry Seidlin awarded custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s remains to the guardian of her five-month old daughter. Here to comment, is Judge Larry Seidlin.
[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge’s chair, and his face hung low ]
Judge Larry Seidlin: Hi, everybody. Hi, Seth and Amy. You know.. as many of you know.. it’s been a really.. emotional week for me. Did you guys see me on the TV?
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Judge Larry Seidlin: You see me on the TV, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I did.
Judge Larry Seidlin: You know, I thought — I thought that, I-I came up looking pretty good! But, apparently, not everybody agreed. What I’m gonna do now is, I’m gonna read you some of the reviews in the newspaper. These are blurbs! Now — now, when I read this, okay, uh, let’s keep out cool. I might cry. Uhh.. [ pauses, bangs his pencil, moans, sniffs, and weeps ] “Judge Seidlin is a bozo on a bench — [ he weeps momentarily ] who tries to hog the spotlight!” [ he sobs ] I gotta look tough, Mama! I wanna be like Muhammad Ali! [ puts the paper down ] You know, these critics are really mean. You know, they’re al — they don’t realize, you know, we all got a lot of broken suitcases! We’ve got broken suitcases, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t know what that means — I’m gonna keep going. Many critics said you turned the courtroom into a circus. I mean, how do you respond to that?
Judge Larry Seidlin: Oh, you know, let me — [ he sniffs and bangs his pencil ] That makes me think of growing up in the Bronx, you know? When I was a kid, I used to go to the circus everyday! [ frowns ] And, you know, one time, you know, I saw a clown on a tricycle get trampled by a crazy elephant. And you know what I said? You know what I said?
Seth Meyers: What? What did you say?
Judge Larry Seidlin: I said, I want that clown to be buried with the elephant! [ he sniffs ] They should be buried together! [ he cries ] In the Bahamas, too!
Seth Meyers: Judge Larry Seidlin, everybody.
Judge Larry Seidlin; Thank you! Thank you very much!
Seth Meyers: You’ve gotta put yourself together.
Judge Larry Seidlin: Thank you..
Amy Poehler: The Catholic holiday Lent began this week on Ash Wednesday, the one day every year your co-workers go: ‘Surprise! Im religious!” [ show image of a guy with ashes on his forehead ]
More than 8,900 people in Bismarck, North Dakota, this week, set a new record for the most snow angels ever made. If youve never made a snow angel, its really easy: all you have to do is murder a snowman.
Seth Meyers: [ over image of Howard K. Stern ] Whoever thought that THIS is the Howard Stern that would soil the name “Howard Stern”?
It was reported that Britney Spears shaved her head after a fight with Kevin Federline, in which he threatened to have her hair tested to find out what drugs shes been using. Because Kevin Federline is, first and foremost, a scientist.
Amy Poehler: Well, this year’s Oscars are coming up tomorrow night, and, in case you haven’t had a chance to see all those movies nominated, here to fill you in is my Aunt Linda.
[ Amy’s Aunt Linda is pushed forward ]
Amy Poehler: Oh, hello! It’s god to see you, Aunt Linda.
Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. [ crooks her head ] Meyers.
[ disgusted, Seth turns away from Aunt Linda ]
Amy Poehler: Anyway, Aunt Linda, you must be getting excited for the Oscars.
Aunt Linda: Not me! Have you seen these performances? Gaahh! My least favorite was from “The Queen.”
Amy Poehler: Oh? Oh, I thought she was great.
Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Hmm.. well, corrct me if I’m wrong, but — [ movie poster appears over her shoulder ] I don’t think it’s very fair that other movies had ACTRESSES, and “The Queen” was played by the actual Queen of England! Here’s a note: if you want to try REAL acting, put on a baby suit like Marlon Wayans in “Little Man” — now, THAT’S a performance! I give the fact that she was even nominated a “Oh, puuhleese! Hey, Academy, do me a favor: wake me up when one of the nominees is ANYONE from the cast of “JAG”!
Now onto Best Actor in a Leading Role. I think we’re ALL aware of the African-American who gave a truly terrifying performance.
Amy Poehler: Uh, right — Forrest Whitaker.
Aunt Linda: Will Smith! [ “Pursuit of Happyness” movie poster appears over her shoulder ] I don’t care what kind of hobo you are, you do NOT sleep next to a toilet! And what about this little look-alike midget? I was NOT jiggy with his performance! I give it an “Oh, Brother!” and a “Ghaa!”
Amy Poehler: Well, okay, Aunt Linda, um — what do you think for Best Picture?
Aunt Linda: And the Oscar does NOT go to: the war epic, “Letters From Iwo Jima”! [ movie poster appears over her shoulder ] Excuse me? Everyone’s Asian and subtitled? I have two letters for you, Clark Eastwood: F. U.! Yeah, I give this tub o’ lard a big, fat “Oh, Criiippes!”
Amy Poehler: Well, was there any movie that you liked, Aunt Linda?
Aunt Linda: “Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift”! The rest are garbage!
Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody. Thanks.
Seth Meyers: Tuesday nights episode of “American Idol” became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as “sweetheart.” Fortunately, the tension passed when the two finally made love.
A man in China says that his dog is smart enough to go to neighboring shops and buy sausages with money hes given. Although, to be fair, the dog is sent out with money to buy lots of things. He just blows it all on sausages.
Amy Poehler: Desperate Housewives” executive producer, Marc Cherry, has signed a four-year deal with ABC that will keep the show on the air until 2011. At which point, it will merge with “Nip/Tuck.
Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. In accordance with his wishes, Adler will be buried between two enormous sofa cushions.
Seth Meyers: This week, it was announced that Prince Harry, the 22-year old son of Charles and Princess Diana, will join the regiment in Iraq. Many in England fear that the prince will become a bullet-magnet for terrorists in Iraq, but Prince Harry refuses to be held back. Here to talk about his upcoming deployment, Prince Harry of England.
Prince Harry: Thank you! Well, well! This looks like an AWFUL amount of fun, I must say!
Seth Meyers: Well, it is an honor to have you here, your Royal Highness. How are you feeling about shipping off for Iraq?
Prince Harry: DAMN excited, Seth! There was NO way I was going to put myself through Sandherst, and then sit on my ARSE back home, while my boys are out fighting for their country!
Seth Meyers: Now, what about this issue of you not only endangering the regiment, but you yourself becoming a kind of bullet-magnet for terrorists?
Prince Harry: NONSENSE! Look at me: do I look like someone who might STAND OUT in the middle of Iraq? PREPOSTEROUS!! [ giggles ]
Seth Meyers: You don’t seem concerned at all about possible danger?
Prince Harry: No, well, why should I? I welcome the opportunity to test my manhood! What were the lines from Kipling? Ah, yes! “There is but one task for all / For each, one life to give. / Who stands if Freedom fall? / Who dies if England live?”
Seth Meyers: Wow. I — I applaud your greatness.
Prince Harry: It’s nothing, really. We Brits love a good fight. [ giggles ]
Seth Meyers: You really — I mean, you’re really quite brave. I mean, who knows what could hapen: you could be taken hostage, or tortured.. your regiment could come under intense fire. And let’s not forget all the roadside bombs. I mean, that must at least get you thinking?
Prince Harry: [ open-mouthed ] Hmm..? No, I, uh — I haven’t really thought about any of that.
Seth Meyers: Really?
Prince Harry: No.
[ Prince Harry’s face begins to contort, until suddenly he leans over and pukes several times upon the set ]
Prince Harry: Sorry — I — sorry.
Seth Meyers: Prince Harry, everybody.
Amy Poehler: The Serbian village of Medja announced plans to build a statue in honor of Johnny Weissmuller, best known as the star of the film “Tarzan.” Said members of Weissmullers family, “Statue good.”
[ the camera cuts over to Seth, who’s still trying to wip fale vomit off the shoulder of his suit ]
Seth Meyers: You know, that happens every time Andy Sam — I mean, Prince Harry — comes by. [ smiles ] I love that.
A new bus in Tel Aviv has a yoga instructor onboard, who teaches passengers how to breathe correctly and relax. And if you can relax on a bus in Israel, you can relax anywhere.
The insurance company AFLAC announced this week that it will be shifting its advertising away from its duck mascot, explaining that people know the duck but not what the company does. Which is ridiculous. They rape ducks.
Amy Poehler: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg is backing a plan to raise the fine for not picking up dog excrement on a city street, from $100 dollars to $250 dollars. Upon hearing the news, the bum pooping in my buildings vestibule had a hearty laugh.
On April 22nd, the Broadway hit “The Producers” will end its run. So get down there while you have a chance and catch “The Producers,” now starring Joey Buttafuoco and a tape recorder with a hat on it.
[ dissolve to interior, crowded meeting room, with the employees all talking amongst themselves as the Boss enters the room ]
Boss: Alright, settle down. Settle down, people! Listen up: we have to cut this company’s budget in half, and we are not leaving this room until we do it. Is that clear? [ no response ] IS THAT CLEAR?!!
Employees: Yes, Sir!!
Boss: GOOD!! Now.. I want you all to dig deeply. I need your best ideas, and I need them NOW!! [ Shelley?
Shelley: Well, I’ve looked at the budget, and I think we’re spending way too much on transportation.
Boss: Transportation, huh? Daniel, what do you think?
Daniel: Well, sir, our online divsion is hemmorhaging money. I say we lose it.
Boss: Okay. Peter?
Peter: I gotta go with Dan here.
Boss: Derek?
Derek: I’d lose Tech Support.
Boss: Okay. Red?
Red: [ yes, he has red hair ] Downsize Research?
Boss: Water guy?
Water Guy: I don’t work here.
Boss: Right. Derek’s twin brother?
Derek’s Twin Brother: [ identical except for a pair of glasses ] I agree with what Derek said.
Boss: Uh – Mountain Joe?
Mountain Joe: [ a grizzled mountain man ] Well, uh, we could consolidate Marketing —
Boss: Snake-Eye!
Snake-Eye: [ wearing an eye patch ] Scale back IT.
Boss: Uh – Chief Bigcloud.
[ cut to employee dressed in Indian feather hat ]
Gary: Long before, Sister Gol —
Boss: Not now, Gary.
Gary: Sorry.
Boss: [ turns to opposite side of room ] Chief Bigcloud?
Chief Bigcloud: I would cut Accounting.
Boss: Crazy Carl?
Crazy Carl: [ tied up in straitjacket ] Uhhhhhhhhh –!!
Boss: CEO’s nephew?
Kid: Massive layoffs.
Boss: Gigantic turkey sub!
Gigantic Turkey Sub: [ a gigantic turkey submarine sandwich ] I say we put MUSTARD on it!
Boss: [ outraged ] This is NO time for joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub!!
Gigantic Turkey Sub: Cut Human Resources.
Boss: Mounted Tiger Head?
Mounted Tiger Head: [ tiger’s head on a mounted plaque on the wall ] Longer lunch breaks?
Boss: Did you even prepare for this meeting?
Mounted Tiger Head: Noooo.
Boss: Great. Okay. Invisible Man?
[ cut to empty seat and no response ]
Boss: [ waves ] Invisible Man?
[ cut to Wonder Woman seated among the employees ]
Wonder Woman: He’s out sick.
Boss: Captain Pajama Shark?
Captain Pajama Shark: [ dressed in pajamas and a strap-on shark fit atop his head ] Present!
Boss: Never mind! Arcade Fire?
[ cut to the night’s musical guest seated as a group ]
Arcade Fire: Cut Human Resources??
Boss: [ as his cell phone rings ] Hold that thought. [ reaches in his jacket pocket, pulls out his hand in the shape of a telephone and touches his ear ] Yeah? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. [ hangs up his hand, as the camera quick-zooms upon his face ] Guys.. I’ve got some very bad news.
[ cut to the corporate headquarters building exploding and collapsing to the ground ]
Detective Reynolds…..Maya Rudolph Detective Ambers…..Amy Poehler Jerry Danko…..Rainn Wilson Suspect 1…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, police headquarters ]
Detective Reynolds V/O: So, who is this witness that showed up?
[ dissolve to interior, police interrogation room ]
Detective Ambers: Uh, the witness is Jerry Danko.
Detective Reynolds: Oh, that creepy Peeping Tom?
Detective Ambers: Yeah. Turns out he was peeping through the curtains when the murder happened, so we’re lucky to have him.
Detective Reynolds: Oh. Well, who knows – maybe he’s not such a creep any more.
[ the door opens, as Jerry peeps in with a creepy smile ]
Jerry Danko: Hello, ladies!
Detective Ambers: Sit down, Jerry.
[ Jerry enters and sits ]
Jerry Danko: Uh – Detective Ambers, I want to begin by apologizing for all my peeping. I know it’s a problem, and I am working on it.
Detective Ambers: That’s not what you’re in here for today. You’re here to help us identify our killer.
Jerry Danko: Yes. And as soon as that is over, I am going to get some help for my horrible, horrible peeping problem!
Detective Ambers: Okay, alright. You remember Doc — uh, Detective Reynolds? She’s working on the case with me.
Jerry Danko: 1-1-5 Burrows Lane!
Detective Reynolds: [ perturbed ] How do you know where I live?
Jerry Danko: [ in a creepy tone ] From my peeping! With my incessant, non-stop PEEPING! I make myself SICK!! So SICK.. I think I’m gonna DIE!! [ a beat ] But then I peep at something, and I feel better!
Detective Reynolds: [ holds up a balled fist ] Next time you peep at me, THIS is what you’re gonna see!
Jerry Danko: Ohh, I WISH the threat of violence would stop me! But it only makes me want to peep MORE!
Detective Ambers: Alright. Enough with the peeping. How this works is: we call one of our suspects forward, and you tell us if it’s the person you saw.
Jerry Danko: Peeped! The person I peeped!
Detective Ambers: Peeped.
Jerry Danko: Right.
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward.
[ there’s a line of suspects on the other side of the glass. Suspect 1, on the far right, steps forward. ]
Jerry Danko: Mmmkay, this isn’t gonna work.
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back. [ to Jerry ] What’s not going to work?
Jerry Danko: Uh, well, this is difficult, because it’s normal looking at him – as opposed to peeping – and I saw him while peeping.
Detective Ambers: So?
Jerry Danko: I have an idea. [ to Reynolds ] What if you held your jacket in front of my face? And then I could just look around it like it was a curtain? You know – peep style.
Detective Ambers: Okay. Diane?
Detective Reynolds: Alright. [ removes her jacket and holds it in front of Jerry’s face ] Okay?
Detective Ambers: Okay, you ready?
Jerry Danko: [ pleased ] Ohh, yeah! I am sooo ready!
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step foward.
[ Suspect 1 steps forward, as Jerry reaches around the side of Reynolds’ jacket to peep at him ]
Jerry Danko: Mmmmmmm..
Detective Ambers: [ impatiently ] Is that him?
Jerry Danko: Mmmmm – this isn’t quite right.
Detective Reynolds: [ angrily ] YOU’RE the one that’s not RIGHT, buddy!!
Detective Ambers: Diane! Cool it!
[ Reynolds flings her jacket through the air and lets out a disgruntled scream ]
Detective Ambers: What’s the problem now, Jerry?
Jerry Danko: Well, he’s just standing there, knowing that someone’s watching him. I can only look at someone if they don’t know I’m watching.
Detective Ambers: Oh. I don’t know how to do that, Jerry.
Jerry Danko: What if he pretended he was taking a shower?
Detective Ambers: [ shakes her head ] I can’t ask him to do that.
Jerry Danko: Well, then the murderer walks free! Good evening to you, lady police officers! [ stands ]
[ Ambers and Reynolds object ]
Detective Ambers: Sit down! Sit down, Jerry! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward!
[ Suspect 1 again steps forward ]
Jerry Danko: Curtain?
Detective Ambers: Diane?
Detective Reynolds: Yeah. [ place her jacket in front of Jerry’s face ]
Detective Ambers: [clears her throat, then speaks into the intercom ] Number 1.. pretend you are taking a shower.
Suspect 1: [ perplexed ] What?
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Just DO IT, Number 1~
[ Suspect 1 shrugs, then begins to clumsily mime taking a shower ]
Jerry Danko: Uh — make him sing!
Detective Ambers: Jerry – please. [ sighs ]
Jerry Danko: Make him SING again!
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1.. sing like you’re in the shower.
Suspect 1: [ singing as he mimes showering ] “It’s in the way that you use it! It comes and it goes!”
Jerry Danko: Ohhh, yes! That’s it! Sing for me! sing for me, you big lummox! YES! I’m in total control!
Detective Ambers: Alright, alright! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back! Jerry, did you even see the murderer?!
Jerry Danko: [ coquettishly ] Noooooo..
Detective Ambers: GET OUT OF HERE!!
Detective Reynolds: BEAT IT!!
[ Jerry rushes out of the room, leaving the two female detectives alone ]
Detective Reynolds: Oh. What now?
Detective Ambers: Ugh. [ a beat ] Wanna make out?
Detective Reynolds: Why not. No one can see us.
[ they begin to make out ]
[ the camera pans over to the frosted window of the door, as we see Jerry’s face pressed against it and watching intently, pleased ]
Nuni Schoener…..Fred Armisen Rob Siefer…..Rainn Wilson Nuni Schoener…..Maya Rudolph Kay…..Kristen Wiig Little Joe…..Andy Samberg
[open on interior of apart with doorbell ringing as Mr. Schoener arrives and opens the door to reveal Rob and Kay, the latter holding a camera]
Mr. Schoener: [with strange accent] Hi-hi.
Rob: Oh, hi. I’m Rob Siefer; we’re doing the piece for Architectural Digest.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, yes, please come in. Darling, we have visitors.
Mrs. Schoener: [from off-screen, with similar accent] Coming! [she arrives, wearing an outfit that consists of a dress on her right side and a suit jacket on her left] Oh, I was on the balcony, picking my nose.
Rob: Oh, a balcony. I’d have to take a look at that. Well, thank you again for allowing us to do a piece on your home for our magazine, Mr. Schoener.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, my father was Mr. Schoener. Please call me Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: Yes, and please call me Nuni.
Rob: Oh, Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: No, Nuni.
Rob: Nuni, right?
Mrs. Schoener: Don’t look at him and say my name!
Rob: Nuni. I’m saying it right, right? Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: No, silly. That’s a children’s clown, Nuni. Nuni.
Kay: He’s saying Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: No, you must spread your buttcheeks. Nuni.
Rob and Kay: [while shifting as if spreading their buttcheeks] Nuni. Nuni. Nuni. Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, who cares? We all won. Let’s take a load off.
Mrs. Schoener: Please, join us in the sitting space.
[Mrs. Schoener leads them to a sitting space where she sits on a chair in which the cushion is supported by a large spring, Mr. Schoener sits astride a basketball hoop, and Kay sits on a chair that rests on a disco ball and continuously rotates]
Rob: Okay, and, uh, where do you want me?
Mrs. Schoener: Oh, please, sit right there, stupid. [she gestures towards a pile of toast]
Rob: On that pile of toast?
Mr. Schoener: Yes. Yes. It’s the Toast Chair by Ben Renaldo.
Rob: Okay. [he approaches the chair and sits cautiously and awkwardly, causing the toast to crunch loudly beneath him] All right, well–wow, it actually is toast.
Kay: [points at Rob] Rob, you’ve got butter all over your back.
Rob: Yeah, I know.
Mr. Schoener: Yeah, isn’t it greasy?
Mrs. Schoener: Yeah, take a chill pill, Roz!
Kay: Is there any way to stop my chair from spinning?
Mrs. Schoener: Absolutely not. It is a disco ball. [sings and chair-dances] Burn baby burn, disco inferno!
Mr. Schoener: Do the hustler!
Kay: Um, I’m kind of slipping off of it. Is there anywhere else I can sit?
Mrs. Schoener: You are very entertaining, sister. What is your name?
Kay: Kay.
Mrs. Schoener: Laa.
Kay: Kay.
Mr. Schoener: Huu.
Kay: No, it’s Kay.
Mr. Schoener: [overlapping with Mrs. Schoener] Callee. Hellee. Sisterm. Pernum. Hick.
Mrs. Schoener: [overlapping with Mr. Schoener] Relp. Drame. Yows. Yofe. Yopie. Yopie.
Rob: No, no, no, no: it’s “Kay,” like the letter K. [traces out a letter K with his finger]
Mr. Schoener: Hinnader, “Haay, like the letter haay.”
Rob: You know what? Yeah. It’s Hay, like the letter thay. So, uh, how long have you guys lived here?
Mrs. Schoener: Oh, what a little flirt you are! I am having so much fun. Let us have some snacks!
Mr. Schoener: Little Joe, bring us some snacks! Do you like cotton candy?
Rob: Uh, I actually love cotton candy.
[Little Joe enters from rear archway, with blue cotton candy arrayed to mimic hair on his scalp and face]
Little Joe: [with similar accent] Who’s interested in cotton candy?
Mr. and Mrs. Schoener: [raising their hands and bouncing in their seats] Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
[Little Joe kneels down between the Schoeners and they began eating the cotton candy from his head using only their mouths]
Mr. Schoener: Save the beard for me.
Mrs. Schoener: I love the moustache! It’s the best part! Hey, Rob, you gotta get in on this!
Rob: Um, okay.
[Little Joe walks over to Rob and lists his shirt to reveal that there is more cotton candy stuffed down his pants]
Little Joe: Cotton candy?
Rob: I’ll pass.
Mrs. Schoener: Aw, don’t be a girl! You love cotton candy!
Rob: [takes a tiny pinch of cotton candy and puts it to his mouth] It’s very, very delicious. Thank you.
Little Joe: There’s a lot more down there.
Rob: No, I’m good. Thank you.
Little Joe: [steps away towards the rear archway and shouts angrily] Fine! [exits]
Rob: Uh, excuse me, Nunis? Uh, may I use your rest room?
Mr. Schoener: Oh, you have to make pee-pee? Here, use this. [he grabs a long tube with a funnel from the ground and hands it to Rob]
Mrs. Schoener: It’s the Reliever by Horshack.
Rob: You mean, go right here?
Mr. Schoener: Yes, right in front of me. [puts the funnel in Rob’s crotch]
[the Schoeners put on white glasses that contain opaque white panels instead of lenses]
Mrs. Schoener: We’ll put on our privacy glasses.
[the Reliever makes suction sounds]
Mr. Schoener: How’s it going?
Rob: Uh, I’m all done. [to Kay] You know what, let’s get out of here. [stands] [to all] Well, I think we got enough for the story, so…
Kay: But I didn’t get any pictures yet.
Rob: Just draw some pictures or something. [Kay stands] Okay, uh, thanks so much. We’ll call you in a day or two.
Mr. Schoener: But you don’t have our number.
Rob: Great! Yeah, that’s great! Okay, so, thanks so much.
[Rob and Kay exit]
Mrs. Schoener: So long, you guys! Oh, they were neat. What wonderful posture. You know what? I want Little Joe to come out here and join us.
Mr. Schoener: Yeah, let’s keep on our privacy glasses and dance to romantic music.
Mrs. Schoener: Yes.
[the Schoeners stand and dance to techno music that begins to play, and are joined by Little Joe who dances as well]
Arcade Fire: [ singing ] “Every night my dream’s the same Same old city with a different name Men are coming to take me away I don’t know why, but I know I can’t stay.
There’s a weight that’s pressing down Late at night you can hear the sound Even the noise you make when you sleep Can’t swim across a river so deep They know my name ’cause I told it to them But they don’t know where and they don’t know When it’s coming, when it’s coming.
There’s a fear I keep so deep Knew its name since before I could speak Aaaaah, aaaaah, aaaaah, aaaaah They know my name ’cause I told it to them But they don’t know where and they don’t know When it’s coming, oh when but it’s coming.
Keep the car running.
If some night I don’t come home Please don’t think I’ve left you alone The same place animals go when they die You can’t climb across a mountain so high The same city where I go when I sleep You can’t swim across a river so deep They know my name ’cause I told it to them But they don’t know where And they don’t know When it’s coming, oh when is it coming?
Keep the car running Keep the car running Keep the car running.”
Arcade Fire: [ singing ] “The king’s taken back the throne The useless seed is sown When they say they’re cutting off the phone I tell ’em you’re not home.
No place to hide You were fighting as a soldier on their side You’re still a soldier in your mind Though nothing’s on the line.
You say it’s money that we need As if we’re only mouths to feed I know no matter what you say There are some debts you’ll never pay.
Working for the Church while your family dies You take what they give you and you keep it inside Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home Hear the solider groan, “We’ll go at it alone.”
I can taste the fear Lift me up and take me out of here Don’t wanna fight, don’t wanna die Just wanna hear you cry.
Who’s gonna throw the very first stone? Oh! Who’s gonna reset the bone? Walking with your head in a sling Wanna hear the solider sing: “Been working for the Church while my family dies Your little baby sister’s gonna lose her mind Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home.” Hear the soldier groan, “We’ll go at it alone.
I can taste your fear It’s gonna lift you up and take you out of here And the bone shall never heal I care not if you kneel.
We can’t find you now But they’re gonna get the money back somehow And when you finally disappear Wishing you were never here.
(Win Butler begins to break guitar strings)
Working for the church while your life falls apart Singing halleluiah with the fear in your heart Every spark of friendship and love will die without a home Hear the solider groan, “We’ll go at it alone.” Hear the solider groan, “We’ll go at it alone.””
(Butler smashes his guitar against the stage, as the audience applauds and the show fades)
…..Rainn Wilson …..Kristen Wiig …..Jason Sudeikis Karen…..Rashida Jones …..Kenan Thompson …..Amy Poehler …..Lorne Michaels
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Rainn Wilson!
Rainn Wilson: Yeah! Awright! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank so much! Thank you! Okay, great! Thanks so much! Hi there, my name’s Rainn Wilson, but, uh, many of you know me as, uh, Dwight Shrute from NBC’s “The Office.” [audience cheers ] Good.. good.. great! Gosh, I tell you, it is so exciting to be back in New York. you know, I used to be a stage actor here, and, uh, I remember dreaming about being in show business and now I’m lucky enough to be an actor. And to get the THRILL, the glamour, of going to work every day.. at an office. Sitting in a cubicle under flourescant lights, answering phones, but.. you know what? “SNL” is NOTHING like “The Office.” It’s more of what I thought show business was really like. You know – different sets, lots of costumes and lights — it’s crazy! You know what? Let me show you around a little bit.
[ steps off stage and heads between the audience, pointing upward ]
Look – we’ve got a boom with a mike on the end. [ glances at an audience member ] How ya’ doin’? [ grabs at the camera focused on him ] Look – a big camera on a crane! Fantastic! [ steps into a backstage area behind the bleacher seating ] Uh, what have we got here – some pages, some union guys – hey, look at this – scaffolding! It’s fantastic. You see, it’s NOTHING like “The Office.”
[ Wilson opens a door to a backstage hallway, which leads into a pre-filmed bit ]
Rainn Wilson: Oh – hey, Kristen.
[ pan over to reveal Kristen Wiig, dressed and posed identically as Pam from “The Office”, on the phone ]
Kristen Wiig: “Saturday Night.” I’ll put you through.
Rainn Wilson: Wow – I didn’t know you answered phones.
Kristen Wiig: Yeah. I do a lot of things: answer phones, and.. paint pictures. [ the camera zooms in on Kristen’s frown and her hand drawing of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Rainn Wilson: Hmm.. wow. This sounds so.. familiar. [ glances across the hall ] Jason! How you doin’?
[ camera pans over to Jason at the opposite wall, who is dressed as Jim from “The Office” ]
Jason Sudeikis: Hey, Rainn.
Rainn Wilson: So, uh.. Jason, what are you up to?
Jason Sudeikis: Just.. filing my monthly invoices.
Rainn Wilson: [ confused ] What – what – what are you talking about? Why are you at a desk?
Jason Sudeikis: I’m always at a desk.
Rainn Wilson: No, you’re not!
Jason Sudeikis: [ exasperated, leans back in his chair and folds his arms ] Okay. [ camera zooms in as he smirks at the camera ]
Rainn Wilson: Wait! You just — you just looked at the camera!
Jason Sudeikis: [ shakes his head ] No, I didn’t. [ rolls his eyes at the camera ]
Rainn Wilson: No! you just did it again! You’re looking at the camera! He looked at the camera, didn’t he, Kristen?!
Kristen Wiig: I didn’t see anything. [ the camera zooms in on her face as well ]
Rainn Wilson: Now you’re doing it! Okay.. you know what? This is — okay, this is not right. This is not the way it was in rehearsal. [ begins to walk down a corridor ] A very weird deja vu thing happening — [ he passes Rashida Jones, as Karen, at a file cabinet ]
Karen: Hey, Dwight.
Rainn Wilson: Oh.. hey, Karen.. [ continues down the hall, more confused ] Okay, that’s weird.. [ stops in front of Kenan Thompson, who’s dressed as Stanley from “The Office” ] Kenan. Can you please tell me what is going on here?
Kenan Thompson: I do not know.. and I do not care. [ steps away from Wilson ]
Rainn Wilson: Okay. No help there. [ turns his head toward the other end of the hall ] Oh, thank God! Amy’s here, she’s going to explain this to me. [ stops in front of Amy Poehler, who is dressed as Angela from “The Office” ] What’s going on, Amy?
Amy Poehler: [ prudishly ] Oh. Hello, Rainn. [ covers her file folder over her chest ]
Rainn Wilson: [ professionally ] Hello. How are you?
Amy Poehler: [ a beat ] Fine.
Rainn Wilson: You look very pretty tonight.
Amy Poehler: Thank you. You’ve done a very good job this week.
Rainn Wilson: Thank you. Are you going to the after party?
Amy Poehler: I don’t think so. But I will be at the W Hotel in Room 1450. [ whispers ] And I’m not wearing any stockings. [ triumphantly steps away ]
Rainn Wilson: [ grins sheepishly at the camera, until he catches himself ] Wait! What am I doing?! This is — Lorne! [ walks over towards Lorne Michaels, who’s leaning over a water cooler ] Hey, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: Hello, Rainn.
Rainn Wilson: Listen — wh-what is going on? It seems like everybody is acting like this is “The Office.” Is that supposed to be funny?
Lorne Michaels: [ in his best Michael Scott tone ] Funny. Ask me what the most important thing in comedy is.
[ the camera zooms in on the two men ]
Rainn Wilson: What’s the most important thing in —
Lorne Michaels: Timing. [ turns to face the camera with a smirk ]
[ cut to a personal interview headshot of Lorne in his office ]
Lorne Michaels: Am I a funny boss? Maybe you should ask this coffee mug. [ holds up a coffee mug which reads: “World’s Funniest Boss” ] When I saw this at the store, I just had have it! [ grins ]
[ cut back to Wilson, live at Home Base ]
Rainn Wilson: Okay, I don’t know what just happened, but.. you know.. we’re gonna have a GREAT show for you tonight! ARCADE FIRE IS HERE!! Yeah!! So stick around, we’ll be right back!!
Neil…..Will Forte Jean…..Kristen Wiig Oliver…..Rainn Wilson
[open on exterior of office building]
[dissolve to interior office]
Neil: And, uh, this is the copy machine. It’s, uh, where we do the lion’s share of our copying.
Jean: It’s a really great machine. It uses lasers.
Neil: Yeah. Just take your document and place the side that you’d like to copy face-down on the glass. [he takes a piece of paper from on top of the copier and places it on the glass as described]
Jean: It’s got to be face-down, or the copy is liable to end up blank.
Neil: Once it’s, uh, positioned on the glass, you close the lid and press the green button.
Jean: The rule of thumb that I use to remember its function is that it’s just like a traffic light. Green means “copy go” and red means “copy stop.”
Neil: Yes. It also has the words “copy start” and “copy stop” written on the respective buttons, and that seems to be a fairly effective failsafe.
Oliver: Neil, Jean, thank you so much for showing me around. I’d be absolutely lost today without your help.
Jean: Neil, why don’t we show him the ball-point pens?
Neil: That’s a great idea, Jean. [he takes a pen from a box on a shelf] Oliver, say you want to make a letter or a number, okay? Just remove the pen cap [he does so] and touch the ink-laden portion of the pen to any kind of paper source. [he picks up a paper pad and starts to demonstrate]
Oliver: Oh, I hate to interrupt, um, but I am quite aware of how to use a pen. [Jean chuckles] Oh, wait a minute…
Neil: Welcome to the office, new guy.
Jean: You’ve been hazed.
Oliver: [chortles extendedly] That was really fun. Thank you. That was hysterical.
Neil: Now, if you’re going to work in this office, you’ll need a pretty high threshold for tomfoolery.
Oliver: I am beginning to get the picture.
Jean: Well, let me know when you get it. I know a great frame store.
[Neil, Oliver, and Jean laugh]
Oliver: That is maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life.
Jean: Oliver, thank you!
Oliver: But all of this laughter has made my throat as dry as an Airzona driveway.
Neil: Well, then, let’s go to the water cooler.
[they walk across the room to the cooler]
Jean: Spent a lot of time around this little water cooler.
Neil: Do you know that in olden times, [Jean gets some water in a paper cup] before the water cooler was invented, people had to get their water [Oliver gets some water in a paper cup] from a pond or an aqueduct? That’s interesting finformation. [Neil gets some water in a paper cup]
Jean: That’s odd. This water tastes different.
Neil: Jean, I don’t notice a difference.
Jean: Well, I’m quite sure it’s warmer than usual. Possibly five degrees worth.
Oliver: Five degrees, are you sure?
Jean: I would swear on a stack of Bible books.
Neil: Jean, that’s the Lord’s message!
Jean: Oh, sorry, Neil, but–mess it–how am I supposed to take my fish oil pill?
Oliver: Fish oil pill? I take a daily shark cartilege pill!
Neil: Well, it looks like you guys have found common ground in fish-based pills. Oliver, I’m sure that you and I will soon find something in common, too. [puts his hand briefly on Oliver’s shoulder]
Jean: What are we gonna do about the water temperature?
Neil: What if the two of you were to cool your water with some ice? There are some cubes left over from Friday’s Pepsi party.
Jean: Oh, I don’t know.
Neil: Relax, Jean. Just add one cube at a time until you hit your desired temperature, five degrees cooler than it is right now.
Jean: Well, how will I know when that is?
Oliver: I always use my finger as a thermometer.
Jean: Oh, I’m not going to drink my water after my finger’s been in there.
Oliver: Oh.
Neil: Just clean your fingers first.
Jean: Well, with what? I can’t use soap; my water will taste soapy.
Oliver: Well, as it happens, I always carry a flask of grain alcohol. [he produces the flask] Maybe we can use that.
Neil: That certainly would kill a lot of germs. But, Jean, would you object to having the taste of grain alcohol in your water?
Jean: Well, it’s certainly better than soap.
Oliver: Well, then, it’s settled.
Jean: I have an idea. Why don’t we bypass the water completely and use the grain alcohol to wash down our pills?
Neil: Jean, you’re like an idea machine today.
Oliver: All right, bottoms up!
[Oliver pours the alcohol into the paper cups]
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances from 9:30 to 11:00 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]
Neil: And then, once that operation is complete, I will officially be a woman. Oliver, you and I will be married in a small ceremony. But I still won’t be able to carry a child. That’s where Jean comes in. Jean would take…
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 12:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]
Oliver: And after the baby is born, we’ll sell it for money to open up a pornography store. And with the earnings from that pornography store, we’ll buy all the meth that we can get our hands on. And then…
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 1:50 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil all naked and pixillated from the waist up]
Jean: You just place the paper in the hole puncher, line it up, and you just press down. [she does so]
Oliver: Hmmm.
[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 3:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil now clothed as before]
Neil: And with those latex molds, we can make hundreds, maybe thousands of penises.
Oliver: Well, I think this is going to be a very fruitful working relationship.
Neil: Oh, well, look at that. It’s quitting time already.
Jean: Wait, before we leave, what time is the murder tomorrow?
Neil: Well, I was thinking about doing it on our lunch break. But we only get a half of one hour.
Oliver: A half of one hour? How can we possibly eat and still have time to strangle Caroline at reception?
Jean: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America. It’s a problem.
Air Date:
