SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

300

Director….Jason Sudeikis
Mitch….Peyton Manning
Blaine….Fred Armisen
Cameraman….Kenan Thompson
A.D. ….Kristen Wiig
Extra on a rock….Will Forte

[Opens with a building. Stage 18 Studio. Cut to theinside of it. They are shooting the epic flick 300.There’s a set with a blue screen in the back. A rockformation in the back also with a Spartan soldierwearing a red cape on it. Mitch is dressed up and madeup as a shirtless, bald, humongous freak. Blaine playsa regular Spartan soldier, red cape etc. The directoris giving them instructions]

Director: All right, Mitch, Mitch. Here’s what’s gonnahappen, all right. Huge battle is going on. We’ll begoing blue screen on a storm back here, all right? Youpick up this gigantic rock. You raise it over yourhead and you smash it down on Blaine’s head here.

Mitch: Gotcha.

Blaine: I’m like, cowering?

Director: Yeah, you’re terrified Blaine.

Blaine: I’m like freaking out cause this guy is gonnasplatter my brains everywhere.

Director: Correct. Yes.

Mitch: I’m on full-on monster mode?

Director: Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Let me see thosechompers. Give me a big snarl.

Mitch: Urrggghh!!!

Director: Beautiful, wonderful. All right, let’s shootthis thing. Let’s get into position.

[Walks away, stands by the cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take one.[clack]

Director: And action!

[Blue screen is a stormy sky now. Mitch holds the fakegiant rock over his head. Blaine acts like he’sterrified of getting hit]

Blaine: Whooaa!!

Director: Action!

[Mitch just stands there holding the rock over his head]

Director: Ok, throw the rock, Mitch. Mitch, throw the rock!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Ahhhh!!!

[Mitch is just frozen with the rock over his head]

Director: All right, throw it! Throw the rock, Mitch!Mitch, throw it!! Ok, let’s cut, let’s cut.[Goes overto Mitch] Ok, what happened?

Mitch: Oh, I’m supposed to throw it?

Director: Yes.

Mitch: Oh, so it’s not like special effects?

Director: No, no, no. This shot is you killing him with this rock.

Mitch: Right.

Director: Ok, so you’re good?

Mitch: Yeah, I’m good. Throw the rock.

Blaine:[playfully] Yeah, not too hard.

Director: Ok, let’s do it again.

[Walks back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take two.[clack]

Director: And action! Throw it!!

[Mitch just stands there. Big rock over his head]

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Director: Throw the rock down on him, Mitch!! NOW!!Throw the rock, Mitch!! Can you hear me?!!

Mitch: Yeah.

Director: THROW THE ROCK THEN!!!!

Blaine: Ahhh!

Director: Augh! All right, cut it, cut it, cutit.[Goes over to Mitch] Mitch, Mitch. Are youphysically not able to throw the rock?

Mitch: I can throw it. Look.

[Throws fake rock, bounces off of Blaine]

Director: Ok, that’s great, that’s great! That’sexactly what I want! After I say action do exactlywhat you just did.

Mitch: Throw it down on him.

Director: Right on his head. All right? Show me those chompers.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Director: Ok, good. Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s do itagain.[Goes back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 3.

Director: All right! Are you ready Mitch?!!

Mitch: Ready!

Director: Ok, after I say action what are you going to do?

Mitch: Throw the rock!

Director: All right. I’m getting ready to say action!

Mitch: Go ahead!

Director: Action!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Aaahhh!!

[Mitch just stands there with the rock over his head]

Director: Mitch, come on! Throw the rock!!! Ple-e-e-ase!!!

Cameraman: Hey, throw the rock, man!!

Extra on a rock: Throw the rock!

Blaine: Do it, man! Throw the rock at me. Aaaahhh!!

[Nothing, Mitch is frozen]

Director: Oh, my God! CUT![goes to Mitch] Ok, what areyou doing to me, Mitch?

Mitch: I was gonna throw the rock. I was waiting for your cue.

Director: What cue are you waiting for?

Mitch: You tell me!

Director: What??!!

Blaine: What if I pull it down on my own head? Like, aaahh….

Director: No, that’s a stupid idea. Who would pull aboulder down on his own head?

Blaine: To hide from him or something….

Mitch: No, that’s totally dumb. I’ll get it this time.Let’s try it again.

Director: All right.

Cameraman: We got only 30 seconds of film left, man.We got to get this.

Director: Ok, Mitch. Seriously, please, dear God!!Just throw the boulder down on Blaine when I tell youto. Ok? Then we all get to go home.

Mitch: I heard you the first time. I’m not an idiot.

Director: Ok, we’re gonna shoot this one. Let’s go,let’s go. [Stands next to cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 4. [clack]

Director: Action!!

[Mitch frozen with the boulder over his head]

Director: OH MY GOD!!!Mitch!!Mitch!! It’s a battlescene! You are trying to kill Blaine! What you’regonna use? That rock, right? It’s got to come down!So, just throw it!!!

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Cameraman: 10 seconds.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

[Mitch frozen]

Director: Augh! THROW THE BOULDER!!!

Cameraman: Roll out. No more film.

Director: Cut!! Damn it!!

Mitch: How was that?

Director: You did great, yes, that was great, that wasgreat. Hey, everyone! This scene is cut from the film.

Mitch: Everyone! That’s a picture wrap for Mitch!Check the gate![leaves]

Blaine:[claps] C’mon guys, you did great.

Director: No, don’t clap.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 24th, 2007

Peyton Manning

Carrie Underwood

None

Archie Manning

Eli Manning

Olivia Manning

Dan Aykroyd

Cooper Manning

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Alberto Gonzales (Fred Armisen) reacts nervously as President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) speaks about him to the nation.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Alberto Gonzales.

Montage

Peyton Manning’s MonologueSummary: Peyton Manning tells the audience what inspires him and introduces his family.

Note: In dress rehearsal, Amy Poehler played a Patriots fan who heckles Manning from the audience.

Bio: Peyton Manning (1976-). Athlete; quarterback for Indianapolis Colts since 1998; MVP at Super Bowl XLI (2007); runs his own charity organization, the Peyback Foundation.

Bio: Archie Manning (1949-). Athlete; best remembered as quarterback for New Orleans Saints, 1971-82.

Bio: Eli Manning (1981-). Athlete; quarterback for New York Giants since 2004.

Transcript

United WaySummary: Peyton Manning treats young kids roughly while serving as their mentor.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with an attractive zookeeper (Peyton Manning).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.

ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool PartySummary: A ditzy secretary (Amy Poehler) has managed a perfect pool score by making picks that have nothing to do with sports knowledge.

Transcript

Penelope the Party PooperSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups party guests.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s parody of educational children’s cartoons, little explorer Maraka and her pet cat seek audience participation to rescue a baby penguin.

Transcript

Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his basketball team’s impending loss by playing the 1967 theme from “Casino Royale.”

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Before He Cheats”Bio: Carrie Underwood (1983-). Country pop singer/songwriter; fourth season winner from “American Idol”.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his bid to run for President in 2008. Seth Meyers discusses the fate of a polar bear cub during “Zoo News.” The song stylings of “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya (Andy Samberg), brings audience members (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) and Dan Aykroyd to tears.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Sanjaya.

300Summary: While filming a climactic scene from “300”, an actor (Peyton Manning) frustrates the film’s director (Jason Sudeikis) by refusing to throw a large rock at a fellow actor (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Wasted”

Coffee ChatSummary: Porch sitter (Kristen Wiig) and her husband (Peyton Manning) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking coffee on their back porch.

Recurring Characters: Porch Sitter.

Transcript

Meatloaf LoversSummary: Peyton Manning loves the new Mercedes-550 because he can cook a tasty meat loaf while he drives pantsless.

Transcript

Air Force OneSummary: The perfect shoe for white guys who don’t have basketball skills.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsals for the last three episodes.

Transcript

GoodnightsBio: Cooper Manning (1974-). Oldest Manning brother, and the only one of the three who did not pursue a career in professional football.

Transcript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Jojo the BusboySummary: Spunky country club valet, Jojo (Amy Poehler), hits on female tennis player (Maya Rudolph).

Prison Folk GroupSummary: Prisoners react violently to a pair of effeminate folk singers (Peyton Manning, Fred Armisen) performing for them.

Vegas RevueSummary: Two women (Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig) in Las Vegas are eager to see an Elvis impersonator (Peyton Manning) perform.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance.

Mrs. HastingsSummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) tries to seduce Peyton Manning at a party.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15


]]>

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Judge Larry Seidlin…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:

Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesperson said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was criticized this week, after documents revealed eight fired federal prosecutors had been rated on whether or not they exhibited loyalty to the president. Which explains the appointment of new Mexico federal prosecutor — [ show photo of dog ] Shasta.

Seth Meyers: According to a transcript of a military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attacks, saying, “I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.” He then politely asked the interrogator to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt.

A 17-year old girl won a scholarship worth $100,000 for building an inexpensive, yet accurate, spectograph, that identifies the fingerprints of different molecules — which I assume is some fancy way of saying: “Baking Soda Volcano.”

Amy Poehler: Preisdent Bush visited Colombia on Sunday, to show support for the country’s battle against Narco-Terrorists — or, as he called them in college: “My guys!”

A new study has found that women get together, they engage in mandatory “fat talk”, in which they say negative things about their bodies. Though, eventually, they do get around to introducing their guests. [ reveal photo of “The View” ]

Seth Meyers: This week, there were serious revelations about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales firing eight U.S. attorneys, for what appears to have been a coordinated campaign by the White Huose to purge those attorneys who weren’t “Bushies.” Sinceour regular legal analyst wasn’t available, here to comment is — oh, no — the judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial, Judge Larry Seidlin.

[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge’s chair, clutching a newspaper with his face hung low ]

Judge Larry Seidlin: Hiya, Seth and Amy. Did you guys see the news? [ Seth and Amy are mum ] Did you guys see the news, on the TV?

Seth Meyers: Yes. Yes, I saw the news on the TV. Judge, what is your take on the Attorney General scandal?

[ distracted ] How am I coming off so far, Seth? Amy I coming off good, Amy?

Seth Meyers: You’re fine.

Judge Larry Seidlin: Okay. tell you what I’m gonna do. Here’s — what I wanna do now, uh — uh — is, I’m gonna read off the names of the people who are on the chopping block! [ pauses ] About to get fired! Now — now, when I read this, I don’t want no tears. I don’t want no crying! [ sniffs, tries to hold his composure ] I — I think I’m gonna cry — I might cry a little bit. [ sniffs twice ] First name — [ sniffs, holds back his tears ] First name — [ sniffs some more ] is this poor guy from New Mexico, U.S. Attorney David Iglesius — [ begins to boo-hoo-hoo and taps his pencil on the desk ] From Arkansas, Bud Cummins — [ sniffs ] You know, I’ll tell you something, you guys — [ sniffs ] This reminds me of the time I got fired once! You know — you know, when I was a little kid, and I worked at the Bronx Zoo! Selling peanuts!! And, you know, it was a good job, and I worked really hard! This was before I was a cab driver! [ taps his pencil ] I worked hard! Really hard! And one day I was pushing the cart through the zoo, and the monkeys got out of the cage!! And they ATTACKED me!! You know those monkeys — not the regular ones, but the ones with the plastic asses? You know those ones? They were all around me, these monkeys!! And then they knocked over my cart, and one of them punched me in the face, and drug me all around the zoo — it was humiliating!! They were so MEAN to me! You know these monkeys, the one with the plastic asses — the — the RED ones?! The red asses? You know what I’m TALKING ABOUT, SETH!!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I think so.

Judge Larry Seidlin: You know which monkeys they are, Amy?!!

Amy Poehler: Yes. Yeah. I know.

Judge Larry Seidlin: They’re mean as Hell!! And when they’re hungry, they’re TEN TIMES AS MEAN!! So’s — so’s — so’s when I come to, I’m in the flamingo pen! [ slumps in his seat, begins to cry ] And right there — RIGHT THERE — I got fired. IN FRONT OF THE FLAMINGOS!! [ slumps back in his chairs and wells up with tears ]

Seth Meyers: Judge, so you have anything to say about Karl Rove and the Attorney General?

Judge Larry Seidlin: Seth.. I ain’t coming off too good, am I?

Seth Meyers: No.

Judge Larry Seidlin: But they can splice this out, right?

Seth Meyers: No.

Judge Larry Seidlin: Well, I’ll tell you what they should do with these guys, Karl Rove and Gonzales: they should give them a peanut cart! And make them walk around the monkey cage! So the monkeys can throw PEANUTS at them!! SEE HOW THEY FEEL!! Seth and Amy, you know which monkeys I’m talking about, right?

Amy Poehler: Yes.

Seth Meyers: Yes. Judge Seidlin, everybody. [ to the judge ] Take care of yourself.

Amy Poehler: In an interview with “60 Minutes”, “American Idol” judge Simon cowell said he was once offered $100,000 to watch a couple have sex and then critique their lovemaking. But, then at the last minute, Paula and Randy changed their minds.

Seth Meyers: A new law was signed in New Mexico, Monday, that outlaws cockfighting in the state, as chickens everywhere deserve the right to live free — in a two-foot cage, before a machine cuts off their heads so we can eat them. [ light titters among the audience ]

Amsterdam City Council gave permission for the owner of a 150-year old chestnut tree, that comforted Anne Frank while she was in hiding, to cut it down. Well, it’s official: Anne Frank cannot catch a break. [ light laughs amidst a few groans ] I knew I was in trouble when you guys didn’t like the chicken joke!

A new study says that eating salmon is not only good for your heart, but can improve your disposition, making you more agreeable. Defeating ths study: grizzly bears.

Amy Poehler: Well, today is St. Patrick’s Day — happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ the audience cheers ] And, you know what? [ takes out a bottle ] I figured it would be fun to take a moment and celebrate the holiday with shots. Huh? [ she pours two shots ]

Seth Meyers: Whoa, whoa, whoa — I don’t think it’s a good idea to do shots during the show. Remember what happened last time?

Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] I do not! [ chugs her shot ]

Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yuo got hammered, and thenyou drunk-dialed everyone on your phone.

Amy Poehler: Mmm. Do you want your shot or not?

Seth Meyers: No.

Amy Poehler: Okay. [ holds up Seth’s shot ] To my health! [ chugs the shot ] Mmm! See? I’m fine?

Seth Meyers: Okay. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week in — [ Seth’s cell phone rings ] No. It’s Amy — I’m not going to answer it. Just ignore it. [ begins again ] A new study was released — [ cell phone continues to ring ] You know what? I am just — ’cause she’ll keep calling. [ answers his cell phone ] Hello.

Amy Poehler: [ on her cell phone ] Heeeeyyyy!! What are you doing! Are you OUT?? Are you having fun??

Seth Meyers: No, uh — actually, I’m at the Update desk telling a joke right now, so I’m going to hang up on you.

Amy Poehler: [ quickly ] No, I’m going to hang up on you! [ hangs up her cell phone and smiles ]

[ Seth puts his cell phone away ]

Seth Meyers: Sorry about that. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week, and —

Amy Poehler: [ leans into Seth’s frame ] You don’t hang up on me, Meyers.. you’re not better than me.. what, do you think you’re so great? I’m from New Hamps-hiiiiiiire!! I’m on Up-daaaate!!

Seth Meyers: Alright, you know what? Here, have some coffee. [ holds up a cup ]

Amy Poehler: No! I want some COFFEE!! [ grabs the cup ] This is MY idea! [ chugs the coffee ]

Seth Meyers: [ to the audience ] This will sober her up. It usually works pretty soon.

Amy Poehler: [ returns to her position at the desk, shakes her head ] Where am I..? What did I do, where are my pants?

Together: [ smiling ] Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody!!

[ the audience cheers ]

Amy Poehler: A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. But, just to be safe, I’m gonna shoot him. [ audience groans ]

James Brown was finally laid to rest Saturday, at the home of one of his daughters. The body was placed in a mausoleum, with the simple inscription “I felt good.”

Seth Meyers: To help celebrate the 30th anniversary of “Star Wars”, the Postal Service is preparing new mailboxes painted to look like R2D2, even though everyone knows that it’s C3PO that really wants to hold your package.

This year’s Iditarod sled dog race was won by Lance Mackie — or, as his sled dogs call him: “Dead Weight.”

Amy Poehler: Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday, where she adopted a three-year old boy. The boy is excited to ocme to America, but a little bummed about having to quit his job.

Police in Nebraska say that two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside — while Brian Seltzer waited in the car.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Restless Penis Syndrome

Karen Danberg…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Mr. Danberg…..Jason Sudeikis
Dr. Highsmith…..Kenan Thompson
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on a dark bedroom in which a woman is sleeping. Her husband steps quietly in, dressed in business attire, and closes the door softly. He slips quietly to a futon at the foot of the bed while she stirs awake.]

Karen: Honey? Honey, is that you?

Mr. Danberg: [unshoulders suit] I’m sorry, hon. I didn’t mean to wake ya.

Karen: Oh, it’s okay. Oh, it’s so late.

Mr. Danberg: Yeah, yeah, work. It’s killin’ me lately.

Karen: But this is the third night in a row!

Mr. Danberg: [stumbling a bit] Yeah, yeah, it–it’s been rough. [loosens tie] Y’know, I’m pretty bushed.

Karen: [switches on light and stumbles out of bed] We need to talk.

Mr. Danberg: Can it wait? You know, I’m tired.

Karen: Well, I’m tired, too. [tearfully] I am tired of waiting up for you! I am tired of you staying late at work!

Mr. Danberg: [bristles] Okay, I can’t help it, okay? We’ve talked about this.

Karen: Why do you always smell like perfume?

Mr. Danberg: [faking disbelief] What? Perfume? What–what do y–I don’t know! I mean–there’s ladies at work, that wear perfume, and I’m sure that’s it! You know? Gosh!

Karen: I found… these.

[She holds up a pair of baby blue, French-cut ladies’ underwear.]

Mr. Danberg: Yeah, so?

Karen: [tearfully] They were in your suit pocket!

Mr. Danberg: Okay. Okay. Y’know, uh, that’s dumb. [laughs stupidly] We, uh, we were goofing around, and, uh… it’s just… things happen.

Karen: Oh, please. Please!

Mr. Danberg: I can’t do this anymore.

Karen: What?

Mr. Danberg: It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kids… I’m done lying.

Karen: [covers mouth and weeps] Oh, oh, my God…

Mr. Danberg: I should have told you this a long time ago.

[Dramatic pause while Karen sobs quietly.]

Mr. Danberg: I’ve been diagnosed with Restless Penis Syndrome.

[laughter]

Mr. Danberg: RPS.

Karen: What?

Mr. Danberg: It’s a very well-known neurological condition, and it is… awful.

Karen: I’ve, I’ve never even heard of it! You’re having an affair!

Mr. Danberg: I wish it was that easy. I really do! Currently, there are no known cures for RPS. Restless Penis Syndrome.

Karen: This is stupid! If you think for one second that I am buying this… this so-called Restless Penis Syndrome. Really? So you’re saying you can’t control what your penis is doing?

Mr. Danberg: I haven’t been able to control it my entire life! I’ve never been able to. [painfully] And… I’m not sure if I ever will.

Karen: No, I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re even trying this.

Voice: I’m afraid it’s true, Karen.

[Enter Dr. Highsmith carrying an old-fashioned doctor’s satchel.]

Karen: Dr. Highsmith?

Dr. Highsmith: Your husband is telling you the truth. You see, when I first diagnosed his RPS… Excuse me…

[He plops down on the bed right next to Karen.]

Dr. Highsmith: I thought maybe there was a chance. It might’ve been foolish of me, but I told him to let his penis do whatever it wanted to do. I thought it would get tired out, and no longer be restless.

Karen: Why are you here?

Dr. Highsmith: But letting it be restless has only made it more restless, I guess. I’m partly to blame for this. I mean, we just didn’t know enough about RPS in those days. I’m sorry.

Karen: So–I’m just supposed to sit back and let his–your penis run wild all across town with as many women as it needs to?!

Mr. Danberg: [touches her head tenderly] It’s a lot to ask, I know.

Dr. Highsmith: I think you’re the bravest woman I know, Mrs. Danberg.

Karen: Oh, come on!

[After a pause, ZOOM OUT to reveal a commercial spokesman in the foreground to the right of the bed.]

Spokesman: If you suffer from Restless Penis Syndrome, you’re not alone. RPS severely affects the lives of millions of Americans.

Karen: What… what is happening now?

[laughter]

Mr. Danberg: We’re shooting a commercial for RPS.

[Commercial music rises slowly in the background.]

Karen: Are you kidding me? I don’t look–well, let me do something with my hair, you could have told me!

[She pulls her hair back and grins in pleasant surprise.]

Mr. Danberg: [chuckling] It’s okay, dear. You look amazing.

Karen: A commercial? For RPS? That’s big stuff! [smiles]

Mr. Danberg: It sure is, honey. It sure is.

Dr. Highsmith: You look wonderful.

Karen: Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Highsmith: Um, you know, I also have Restless Penis Syndrome… [touches inside of her leg]

Mr. Danberg: Hey, Highsmith? [shoos his hand away] Not part of the deal, buddy.

Karen: Would you guys be quiet? And let the guy do the commercial. [gestures to spokesman]

Spokesman: But now there’s hope. The RPS Foundation is committed to finding a cure for this debilitating disorder. With new medical breakthroughs happening every day, we think we may be just years away.

Mr. Danberg: Decades.

Spokesman: Decades away. Won’t you please support the RPS Foundation?

[FADE to the RPS Foundation logo.]

Announcer: Restless Penis Syndrome. With your help, we can beat this thing.

Karen: [off camera] What? That sounded like your brother.

Mr. Danberg: No, well, it wasn’t.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

SNL Special Report: Road to the White House

…..Chris Rock

 

[ open on graphic: “SNL Special Report Road to the White House” ]

Announcer: And now, a “Saturday Night Live” Special Report. Road to the White House. Here with his comments, is Chris Rock.

[ dissolve to Chris Rock seated at an executive desk, as the audience screams and cheers ]

Chris Rock: Good evening! Good evening, good evening! [ the applause dies down ] Now, in six-hundred and seventy-four days, we’re gonna have a new Presient. And the field is just SO crowded. On the Republican side, there’s McCain and Guiliani. Now, is it me, or was McCain too old eight years ago? And then we have Guiliani. Now, Guiliani’s great. He’s great — in a crisis. But, uh, in real life, Guiliani’s kind of like a pit bull. He’s great when you have a burglar – but, if you don’t, he just might eat your kids.

Then, we have the Democrats. And everybody’s saying the same thing: “Hillary or Obama?” A black man, or a white woman. It’s so HARD to make up my mind! You know, as if it was a SUFFERING contest! And, even if it was, how can you compare the suffering of a white woman to the suffering of a black man?! It’s not even CLOSE! I mean, white women burned their bras; black men were burned alive! I mean, sure, white women couldn’t vote for an a minute, so they’d march, and protest. You know? And when they had to get on the BUS to go to a protest, who do think gave up their seats? You know hoe much better Seabiscuit’s life was than my grandfather’s? You see, when a horse can’t run any more, they put him out to stud; when a black man can’t run any more, he gets shot fifty times! I mean, how can you compare the pain of a white woman to the pain of a black man? They used to hang black men just for looking at white women! I mean, nobody ever lynched a white woman! No white woman’s ever been assassinated! Everybody looooves white women! White men love white women; black men reallllly love white women! I mean, did you see Anna Nicole Smith’s funeral? She had SIX black men pallbearers! I thought Farrakhan died!

Everybody loves white women.. except white women! White women are the majority of the country, and they’ve had the right to vote for almost a hundred years, and still they’ve never elected a white women President! What are you bitches waiting for?! If black people were the majority of this country, there’d be a different Black President every day! Okay? Every year, a new Black person would get a term to be President! Obama would be President; Oprah’d be President; O.J.’d be President; Flavor Flav, Halle Berry’d be President for half-a-term! And for that very reason, that’s why I predict Oback Barama will not only be the Democratic nominee for President, Oback Barama will be the NEXT President of the United States! Okay?

And for those doubters out there who keep asking the question, “Is American ready for a black President?” I say, “Why not? We just had a retarded one!”

“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll

Robin Antin…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Announcer…..Bill Hader
Contestant 1…..Amy Poehler
Contestant 2…..Maya Rudolph
McKenzie Jazz…..Andy Samberg
Lil’ Kim…..Kenan Thompson
Contestant 3…..Kristen Wiig

(Super of “This Season” and then “New”)

Announcer: This Season on the new CW: Today’s hottest female group, The Pussy Cat Dolls, are searching for a brand new member.

(goes to contestant 3)

Contestant 3: (About to sob) I want this more than anything. (breaks sobbing, and then winks at the camera)

(goes to contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (sobbing) This is my dream.

(goes to contestant 1)

Contestant 1: This is literally the highest honor I can imagine.

(goes to different scenes of the contestants practicing)

Announcer: An exhaustive search to the nations dancers, singers, and pharmisutacal sales representatives, has come down to only the very best to these of these truly average women.

(goes to the judges)

Robin Antin: (cigarette in her mouth) We’re looking for a girl who most embodies what it truly means to be a (pauses and lights her cigarette) Pussy Cat Doll.

Announcer: Will they be up to the challenge (cuts to superior of “sort of sing”) to sort of sing?

(cuts to contestant 3)

Contestant 3: (singing) ayyaaayaayyyaaayaa!

(cuts to a superior of “Sort of Dance”)

Announcer: To sort of dance?

(cuts to contestant 1 dancing and panting very hard)

(cuts to superior of “Not Write Songs”)

Announcer: To not write songs?

(cuts to contestant 2, just staring blankly at the camera)

(cuts to superior of “Passably Attractive From A Distance”)

Announcer: To be passably attractive from a distance…

(cuts to superior of “Not Detract Attention From The Lead Singer”)

Announcer: but not detract attention from the lead singer? All wow- less standing weakly judging from people like this.

(cuts to the judges once again)

Robin Antin: Your kind of mildly entertaining performance is what this competition is all about. You remind me of myself back when I was 45.

McKenzie Jazz: That was totally passable, you’re on to the next round.

Lil’ Kim: Bitch, you’re worse than me. Nice work.

(cuts to the contestants all sobbing)

Contestant 2: Thank you so much.

Announcer: The search for the next doll.

Robin Antin: The point of this competition is to find America’s most talented and beautiful singers and dancers. (looks to the offstage crew members) Oh, it’s not?

Announcer: Only one will achieve the honor of being made one of seven girls whose names I don’t know, to stand behind the lead singer whose name I also don’t know. The Pussy Cat Dolls presents, The Search for the Next Doll, only on the CW.

(fades)

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Monologue

…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo!!! Thank you, thank you, very much! Hey, Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ audience cheers ] Oh man, it is SO nice to be back! I had a BLAST hosting last year, and — wow! Things have been going really, really wll for me. My show — “The New Adventures of Old Christine” — is a big, fat hit! [ audience aplauds ] Thank you! I won the Emmy, which is absolutely fantastic! [ audience applauds again ] Do we — do we have a clip? [ a beat ] Oh, I brought one! Oh, that’s great! Oh, then let’s watch it!

[ dissolve to clip from the Emmys — five Lead Actresses from a Comedy Series sit in wait of the results ]

Emmy Presenter: And the result: [ opens envelope ] Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

[ an excited Julia kisses husband Brad Hall as the crowd cheers [

[ return to Julia at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ohh, I could watch that a thousand times! [ audience laughs ] I have>! Of course, you know, uh — there is a downside to being in the spotlight again, because, with all this great peaise, comes criticism. You know, the media is everywhere. And they really want to make celebrities look bad. And celebrities are good people. Literally. Every single one of them. But, now, I’m living my life under a microscope. So, ladies and gentlemen, please don’t believe everything yo see. Because the media likes nothing more than distorting an innocent event until they make me — a person whom you know and love — look bad! I mean, for example, here I am at the Golden Globes:

[ card: “Actress — TV Series Musical or Comedy” ]

Golden Globes Presenter: And, now.. the Golden Globe goes to: [ opens card ] America Ferrera!

[ at her seat, a smiling Julia starts to stand until she realizes it wasn’t her name that was called. Nearby, America Ferrera beams with joy. ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Who the F–K is America Ferrera?!

[ America Ferrera walks toward the stage ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hey! Felecity! [ cut to Felecity Huffman ] Check and see if she’s got her green card with her! [ Felicity frowns ] Am I right?! [ the man seated next to Julia claps for America Ferrera ] Don’t clap, you ass!

[ America Ferrera continue to make her way toward the stage ]

[ Julia throws up in her champagne, then swaps with the man seated next to her until she falls to the floor ]

[ return to Julia at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: See? I mean, first of all, that was taken out of context. And, second of all, I was completely wasted! I mean, they can even make a nice woman, like that lovely Ann Coulter, look like a monster! These people JUST want celebrities to look BAD! Even coming here tonight, the vultures were out in FORCE! They really can’t wait to turn every move I make into something ugly!

[ show Julia’s limo arriving outside of 30 Rock. The crowds are excited to see her, the media have their cameras flashing. A smiling Julia spreads her legs to step out of the limo, revealing a red dot covering her massive pubic hair region. ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: What?

[ return to Julia at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Wow. wow. You know what? Let me tell you something — it really is good to watch that, ’cause you realize: it’s just — it’s not as bad as people say!

We’ve got a great show! Snow Patrol is here! So stick around, e’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Goodnights

…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks to Snow Patrol! [ points to Chris Rock ] Chris Rock! And Lorne Michaels! And the cast.. of “SNL”! And the writers and producers.. of “SNL”! Adn everybody in the world! Yeah! Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Monex

Monex Spokeperson….Kristen Wiig

[Opens with rich lady in a elegant,upscale room.]

Monex Spokeperson: Is there anything more satisfyingthat owning gold and holding it in your hands? [Camerasplits showing hands caressing gold coins. Stacks ofgold coins in the background] What? You mean, you’venever experienced it? Then call Monex now for thisinformative brochure and vhs tape that will show youhow you can invest in gold. [Gold coins splash aroundon mountains of golden coins. 1-800-555-0199 Book andtape. Why gold? Why now?] Did you know that in the past12 years the value of gold has gone up a little bit? [Abunch of gold coins weigh more than a stack of dollarsin a balance] I love touching gold. I would never dothis with mere paper money. [Lady caresses her facewith a gold coin. Kisses it.] “Guold” I love it. Thereis no better time to invest in gold than right aroundthe time that it is now. [Lady goes into a goldenliving room] Look around my living room. Every surfaceis covered in 100% real gold. [In a golden table aphoto of Goldie Hawn, a goldfish in a bowl, the ladydrinks a glass of orange juice] I’m not drinking gold.I wish. This is orange juice but the brand is FloridaGold. I guarantee you’ll spend hours caressing yourgold, [hands caressing gold coins] massaging yourgold, [hands massaging gold coins] washing your face in”guold” [lady splashes gold coins in her face likewater in slow motion] What time is it? Oh, I know. It’stime for you to call Monex and invest in”guold”. [1-800-555-0199. Coins splashing around] Calltoday and tomorrow you’ll be enjoying your “guold”,touching your “guold”, golding your gold “guold” [Ladyis ecstatic in a shower of gold coins] Well? Convinced?I think I made a really good case for “guold”.Speaking of gold case. [Lady picks up goldenbriefcase] I’m late for work. I work for gold. Ohh, Ibetter put this on. [Lady puts on a golden scarf] It’sgetting “gold” outside. [Monex logo, coins splasharound] Monex. “Guold”.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

CBS Cares

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[FADE IN on a sound studio as Julia walks in from the left and greets the director.]

Mike: Julia, hi. [shakes her hand]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi.

Mike: Mike Underballs.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, hi!

Mike: I’m the director.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yes, Mr. Underballs, so nice to meet you.

Mike: Please, my dad’s Mr. Underballs. Call me Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, okay.

Mike: First of all, thank you so much for doing this PSA.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, my pleasure.

Mike: Did you get a script?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, it looks great!

Mike: Okay, think we can do a take?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely, yeah.

Mike: [to crew] All right, guys, let’s go, people! CBS Cares, Julia Louis-Dreyfus… [walks to chair] Take one!

[Mike takes his seat while Julia clears her throat softly and a crew member positions the boom mike above her head.]

Mike: And… action!

[CUT to Julia as soft piano music rises.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

[While she talks, the boom mike drops down into the shot just left of her head.]

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: All right, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Julia, that was perfect.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks.

Mike: Unfortunately, we had a little boom in the shot.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ooooh.

Mike: [to boom guy] Um… you on that, Jeff?

Jeff: [tightly] Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike, that’s my bad.

Mike: Okay, let’s, uh, get it right this time, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS C–CBS Cares…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.

Mike: Take two!

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little–oops!

[The boom mike drops down and bumps her in the forehead.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, dear. I think he hit me. I don’t…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I dunno if you… wanna…

Mike: Jeff. What’s goin’ on, buddy? Everything okay?

Jeff: Sorry, Mike, that’s my fault. I’m a little fatigued in the upper body. I rocked the bejeezus out of my delta at the gym today.

Mike: Okay, just hang in there, okay?

Jeff: Yeah, no problem, Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, God, tough to be the boom guy, right?

Jeff: [with an attitude] “Boom guy.” Yeah, I’ve got a name.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, sorry, I was just–

Mike: Okay, okay, let’s just get this done, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS Cares… take three!

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, a little pre–vent–

[The boom drops down, hits her in the nose, and pokes around in her face.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [pushing away microphone] Whoops. Hey, hey! You gonna yell “cut,” or…

Mike: Whoa, whoa– Hey, hey, hey, c’mon!

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Cut! [losing patience] Jeff! What’s goin’ on, buddy?

Jeff: Oh, c’mon, Mike! She’s talkin’ so soft I gotta get in there. I mean… what’s the point of watchin’ TV if you can’t hear it, right?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I was speaking in my normal voice!

Jeff: Hey, Dreyfus? Butt out!! Immediately! Just stand there and look pretty, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Excuse ME?!

Jeff: [struts away] Yeah.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Mike] What? Are you gonna say something here?

Mike: Okay, look, look, it’s been a long day, let’s just get this done, and we’ll all go home.

Jeff: I’m agreein’, I’m agreein’ with you, Mike.

Mike: Look, hey, hey. JEFF? If you can’t hold the mike above the frame, then… let’s give it a try under, okay, sound good?

Jeff: You’re the–you’re the director, man.

Mike: All right.

[Jeff repositions the boom down in front of Julia’s legs.]

Jeff: You want it up and under, I got no problem with that.

Mike: Okay, great. Thank you, thank you.

[Audience titters in anticipation.]

Jeff: [to Julia] You okay with that?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, I guess–

Jeff: Nobody cares.

[laughter]

Mike: Hey, c’mon. C’mon. Let’s just go, okay? [sighs deeply] Please. CBS Cares, take four.

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have the yearly mammogram.

[Jeff’s boom suddenly pops up and pokes her left breast.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Because–hey! Hey!

[She bats the mike away as Jeff keeps bumping her body with it.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Cut it out!

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: C’mon!! What the hell–

Mike: [walks toward her] C’mon, c’mon…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, okay. We don’t need the jingle on every bad take! Okay?

[laughter]

Mike: JEFF? I’m gonna ask you one more time, man, what’s goin’ on?

Jeff: Well, she’s talkin’ about her boobs, Mike. Y’know, I thought it’d help if I point ’em out a little.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, good Lord.

Jeff: I HAVE GOOD IDEAS TOO, MIKE!!!

Mike: Okay, okay, Jeff, I need you to keep the mike completely out of the shot–otherwise, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Jeff: Mm-hm.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you.

Mike: Think you can do that?

Jeff: Okay, Mike. I’m gonna do it as a favor to you.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, well, you know what, you should do it because it’s your job.

Jeff: Hey, Elaine?!

[laughter]

Jeff: If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay!

[laughter and applause]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Are you gonna handle this? Are you gonna handle this?

Mike: Let’s focus up! Let’s focus up!

Jeff: SHE’S PUSHING MY BUTTONS, MIKE!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: All right…

Jeff: BIG TIME!!

Mike: JEFF?! I need you to ignore her, okay?!

Jeff: Can do.

Mike: You’re doing a great job, by the way, Julia.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks. Okay, I only have one more take in me, all right? Then you can get Katie Couric, or something.

Jeff: Hey, fine with me, Mike!

Mike: Okay, okay, c’mon! Last take. CBS Cares, take five.

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [fights for composure] If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

Mike: Cut! Great!

[CUT to a wider shot as the music stops before the jingle. Jeff has positioned the boom right in front of Julia’s crotch, and he is waving it up and down suggestively.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No one can see this, right?

[laughter]

Mike: Nope! You look great!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay. [shoves the boom away] You know what, just get that away–get it away from me!

Jeff: What are you doing?

Mike: [rushes up between them] That’s a wrap, folks, we got it, we got it!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Jeff] You stay back from me!

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[ZOOM OUT over riotous cheers and applause.]

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts