Announcer: Being a kid can be harder than it looks. Sometimes, it helps to have an adult around.
[ cut to Peyton Manning running to join the kids on a football field ]
Peyton Manning: Alright! Alright! Alright!
That’s why Peyton Manning takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups.
[ Peyton wraps the kids in a huddle ]
You guys ready to play some FOOTBALL?!!
Kids: YEAH!!!
Put your hands in! We’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna encourage each other — teamwork, on three! One, two, three!
All: TEAMWORK!!!
[ Peyton and the kids spread across the field ]
Announcer: Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons of communication.
[ Peyton and the kids set up a play and go into action ]
Peyton Manning: [ yells toward kid running across the field ] Open! Get open!
[ Peyton hurls the football at the kid, hitting him in the back and knocking him to the grass ]
Peyton Manning: Get your head out of your ASS!! You SUCK!!
[ another play begins ]
Peyton Manning: Alright, let’s go! Let’s go! Get back IN here!! [ to the kid he just knocked down ] Except you. I can’t even look at you. You know what? Go sit in the Port-o-let for twenty minutes. [ the kids walks away, ashamed of his performance ] That’s right. Just STAY in there!
[ a new play begins — Peyton hurls the football at another kid’s stomach, knocking him to the grass as well ]
[ the first kid peeks out from inside the Port-o-let ]
Peyton Manning: Why is the door open? CLOSE the door!! [ the kid closes the door ] STAY in there!!
[ a new play begins — this time, Peyton hurls the football at a third kid’s head, knocking him to the grass, too. Peyton throws his arms in the air in exasperation. ]
Peyton Manning: [ talking to a fourth kid ] Okay, I’m sorry — do you want to lose? I throw, you watch. It’s NOT that hard! Okay? [ the kid nods ] Alright. Get the f–k out of here!
[ cut to Peyton and the kids standing over the body of the third kid, the one who was hit in the head with the football ]
Peyton Manning: I think he’s really hurt —
[ cut to Peyton reading an entertainment magazine to the kids, showing off the pictures of the latest kid adopted by Angelina Jolie ]
Announcer: There’s no substitute for the hands-on guidance a mentor can provide.
[ cut to Peyton showing the kids how to jimmy his way into a locked SUV ]
Peyton Manning: Then, if you just push it a little further, you should hear a little CLICK!
Boy: Why don’t we just use your key?
Peyton Manning: I told you — I forgot ’em. [ a siren from a cop car sounds ] Cops! Cops! [ starts running ] Everybody for himself!
[ cut to Peyton holding his belt in his hands, as a young boy clamps down on the belt with his teeth ]
Announcer: Just a few hours of Peyton’s time helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime —
Peyton Manning: Just keep biting down. It’s looking good.
[ reveal that a tattoo artist is inking a head shot of Peyton Manning on the kid’s leg ]
Peyton Manning: That’s a handsome tattoo. Uh-huh. It’s gonna be there forever.
Announcer: — as well as skills for life. Such as: asseriveness —
[ show woman sitting on park bench, as a young girl runs toward her ]
Girl: Mommy! Mommy!
Peyton Manning: [ right behind the girl ] No, Sally! Mommy’s dead, remember? Don’t bother the pretty lady. [ the lady extends her hand ] Hi, I’m Peyton!
Announcer: — ethics —
[ show Peyton addressing the kids while clutching a beer bottle ]
Peyton Manning: Alright, I’ll KILL a snitch! I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t. you know what I mean. [ shrugs ] Whatever. You’re getting on my f–king nerves.
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: The NFL and the United Way. Spend time with your kids.. so Peyton Manning doesn’t.
[ cut back to Peyton addressing the kids ]
Peyton Manning: You kids all want to live with me in my mansion?
Kids: YEAHHH!!!!
Peyton Manning: Calm down, calm down. There’s no f–king way!
Chris Graham…..Jason Sudeikis Ted Trimble…..Peyton Manning Mandy Jensen…..Amy Poehler
[ open on stock footage of a professional basketball game ]
Chris Graham V/O: I guess it must be March!
[ graphic: “ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party” appears onscreen ]
[ dissolve to Chris Graham and his guests seated behind a desk in the ESPN Studios ]
Chris Graham: Hello, everybody! And welcome to ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party! I’m Chris Graham! Now, take out your office pool sheets, Class — I’ve got your midterm grades right here! [ holds up a basketball pool sheet ] Some huge upsets in this tournament, and, unless you picked them, you’re looking at a D or C-minus. Not so with tonight’s guests — they did see those upsets coming, and that’s why, out of 25,000 contestants, they’re currently the top two leaders in ESPN’s National NCAA Tournament Pool. They are: [ show a grinning Ted Trimble ] Ted Trimble, sports writer for the Raleigh News & Observer; he also edits the weekly college basketball hotline, and is the author, with Dick Vitale, of “College Basketball: A to Z.” [ show smiling Mandy Jensen ] And Mandy Jensen, a recent graduate of Sweetbrier College, and currently a receptionist at the corporate headquarters of Teen Vogue Magazine. Incidentally, this is Mandy’s first NCAA Tournament Pool. Alright.
[ show stock footage of a professional basketbal game ]
Chris Graham: Last Sunday, USC stuns the tournament by beating Texas. A SHOCKER! But, TEd, you called it.
[ cut to Ted, then show his pool sheet with check marks around USC and Texas ]
Ted Trimble: Chris, I have said all year that USC played GREAT tracking defense. The very type of defense that’ll give Texas fits, and it did!
Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Mandy, you picked Texas to lose as well — what was your thinking?
Mandy Jensen: Um.. well.. first of all, Texas uniforms are orange.. so, right there, Texas and I have a BIG problem! [ smiles, laughs ]
Chris Graham: Uh-huh.
Mandy Jensen: This is not a tough call.
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a pink heart around USC and the notes “Orange” and “Hideous!!!” surrounding Texas ]
Chris Graham: I see.
Mandy Jensen: Texas, if you’re listening: We do Tangerine, we do Coral, but, I’m sorry, we do NOT do Orange!
Chris Graham: Okay. Another huge upset last week for virginia Commonwealth — an eleventh-seat beating sixth-seated Duke. Ted, how did you pick that?
[ show Ted’s pool sheet as he speaks ]
Ted Trimble: Chris, Duke could crush any other eleventh-seat, but, with VCU, it’s a tough match-up.
Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Alright, Mandy, you also had Duke losing.
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Oh, I would never pick Duke!
Chris Graham: Uh, why?
Mandy Jensen: Because, in college, I had a roommate named Duke — Catherine Duke. A total BITCH, and a WHORE. [ smiles awkwardly ] And I found out she’d been sleeping with, like, five of my boyfriends!
[ show college photo of Catherine Duke ]
Chris Graham: Well, that must have been devestating.
Mandy Jensen: I cried for a whole semester. Because of that, I HAD to go with Virginia Commonwealth the first round! [ smiles ]
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a caricature of Catherine Duke labeled “Huge Whore!!!!!” and a pink heart around VCU ]
Chris Graham: I can see that, I guess. [ awkwardly ] Well, you made the right call. Of course, nobody’s right all the time. Ted, last week, in an upset, Butler beat the heavily-favored Terps of Maryland.
Ted Trimble: I know.
Chris Graham: You picked Maryland.
Ted Trimble: I never imagined Maryland losing.
Chris Graham: Hmm. Well, don’t feel bad — nobody saw that coming. [ a beat ] Mandy, you saw that coming? How?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Uh, this was tough at first. But then I learned that Butler are the BULLDOGS! How cute is that!
Chris Graham: [ confused ] Uh, it is very cute.
Mandy Jensen: SO cute!
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with a pink heart around Butler and the words “Bulldog So Cute!!!” next to it ]
Chris Graham: So.. in this game, you went with Butler over Maryland — the right pick — because, in your analysis, Bulldogs are cuter than Terps?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly! I don’t know what Terps are, but NOTHING is cuter than a bulldog! Except turtles.
Chris Graham: Oh. [ smiles ] Well, actually, a Terp is a turtle.
Mandy Jensen: Seriously? [ smiles ] It’s a good thing I didn’t know that! [ laughs ]
Chris Graham: [ nods his head ] Uh-huh.
Mandy Jensen: Oh! But can I add something about Butler? Instead of the Bulldogs, they should be called the Miniature Bulldogs!
Chris Graham: [ thinking ] Because.. that would be even cuter?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly!
[ cut to Ted, who looks extremely pissed about Mandy’s sports logic ]
Chris Graham: In another First Round upset, Arizona losing to Purdue, and it wasn’t even close. Ted, you stumbled here as well, picking Arizona.
Ted Trimble: Arizona really let me down!
Chris Graham: Well, they always do. This year, Arizona was supposed to make the Elite Eight. Instead, once again, they turned out to be the Tournament’s Peyton Manning.
[ Ted shoots a confused glance at Chris ]
Ted Trimble: What do you mean?
Chris Graham: Well, you know how, every year, Arizons comes in with impressive stats and all the hype, and, every year, they.. fizzle out!
Ted Trimble: Yeah.. sure. But why is that a Peyton Manning?
Chris Graham: You know that expression.
Ted Trimble: No.
Mandy Jensen: Um.. it’s like — how do I put this? when someone has this great reputation, but you always wonder why, because, when it really counts, they can’t deliver?
Chris Graham: Exactly! Exactly!
Ted Trimble: Yeah, fine, but.. still — why a Peyton Manning? I don’t get it!
Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] I think you’re missing the point! Uh — basically, the point is: like the rest of us, you bought the Arizona hype, and, when they did their usual Peyton Manning, you got burned! But, hey — on this one, you’re hardly alone. Who thought Arizona would lose? [ turns to Mandy ] Mandy, you thought Arizona wouldlose. [ Mandy smiles ] Any particular reason? Such as, for example, a sports-related reason?
[ Ted waves his arm ]
Ted Trimble: Oh, let me guess. Because Arizona Tea is, like, so fattening, is that it?
Mandy Jensen: [ nods sheepishly ] That sounds right! Yep, that was it!
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with the words “Iced Tea: So Fattening!!” next to Arizona and a pink heart around Purdue ]
Chris Graham: Oh, good call, Ted! Uh, Mandy, just so you know — there’s no connection between the University of Arizona and Arizona Iced Tea.
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles, surprised ] Really? Well, I guess on this one, I was just lucky! [ laughs ]
Chris Graham: [ stares silently at the camera ] With 58 games played thus far, Ted is off to a blistering 56-and-2 start. [ Ted fumes ] While Mandy is at an equally impressive 58-and-0. [ Mandy smiles ] Mandy, as you know, the winner of this pool will receive tickets — LIFETIME tickets — to the Final Four. [ Ted looks to the sky and sighs ] Are you a big college hoops fan?
Mandy Jensen: Not really! [ smiles ] Um, I’m gonna donate them to a charity called Fighting Chance.
Chris Graham: Which is?
Mandy Jensen: It’s a shelter for cats that have been overfed!
Chris Graham: Good for you, Mandy. Good for you. We’re about out of time, but, before we go, let’s talk about tie-breakers. Although you hold a slight lead over Ted, of course he could still catch you, if those Mayland and Arizona picks don’t come back to bite him! [ chuckles ]
Ted Trimble: Hey, Chris: [ gives an obscene hand gesture ]
Chris Graham: Whoa! Hey! Hey!
Ted Trimble: And, by the way — Peyton Manning? He is a great quarterback.
Chris Graham: Sure. Whatever.
Mandy Jensen: Who’s Peyton Manning?
Ted Trimble: You’ve never heard of Peyton Manning?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] No. I thought that was just an expression.
Ted Trimble: No, he plays for the Colts, and he IS amazing!
Mandy Jensen: Is he cute?
Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] Well! I think it’s safe to say you’d never hear of Peyton Manning described as “cute”!
Ted Trimble: You know, this pool used to be FUN! Back when it was a pool for MEN! Men who knew something about SPORTS!! [ throws his lapel mike across the desk and storms off ]
Chris Graham: Oh, Ted! Come on! You’re still in this!! Don’t quit, Ted!! Don’t pull a Peyton Manning!!! You’re better than that, Ted!!!
Mandy Jensen: [ sheepishly ] Did I say something?
Chris Graham: No, no, it’s not you. He was like this with the Oscar Pool.
Mandy Jensen: Oh. [ smiles ] I WON THAT!!
Chris Graham: Hmm. [ to the camera ] Anyway, that’s it for us tonight.
Mandy Jensen: That is so FUNNY!!
Chris Graham: I’m Chris Graham. For everybody here at ESPN — so long!
[ dissolve to interior, dining room, Nicole with her arms around Anthony as she speaks to Sue during an elegant party ]
Glenn: Yeah. Thank you so much for inviting us.
Sue: Of course! Excuse me, guys — I have to go check on the caterer, so relax, have another drink, and please eat!
Nicole: Oh, thank you.
[ Sue exits the scene, as Nicole and Glenn step closer to the food ]
Nicole: Wow! She got a caterer!
Glenn: They really went all out. I’ve never seen this many hors d’oeuvres.
[ Penelope enters frame, endlessly twirling her fingers within the dangling curls of her hair in a semi-bored fashion ]
Penelope: I have. Yeah, I’ve seen more hors d’oeuvres than this, so — I’ve just really been to a lot of big parties before, so —
Nicole: Oh, maybe you can help us out. I don’t even know what half of these things are —
Penelope: I do. I know all of them. I’ve had all of these before, at other parties I’ve been invited to, so — I’ve just been to a lot of parties. [ points to an hors d’oeuvres ] That one has crab in it.
Glenn: I’m sorry. We haven’t met. I’m Glenn, this is my wife Nicole.
[ Penelope and Nicole shake hands ]
Penelope: Happy to meet you.
Nicole: It’s nice to meet you. So, how do you know sue and Anthony?
Penelope: We’re really good friends. So — we’ve known each other for a really long time. I just know them really well. Probably better than a lot of people here, so —
Glenn: Oh — oh, well, uh — we met them at Lamaze class, six months ago.
Penelope: [ quickly ] I’ve known them for, like, seven years. So, just a little bit longer. I’ve just known them for a relaly long time, so — longer, just better friends. So — longer than you guys. So —
[ Anthony enters the scene ]
Anthony: Hey, guys! Glad you could make it! [ shakes hands with Glenn and hugs Nicole ]
Glenn: So are we. This is the first time we’ve been out of the house since Rachel was born.
Nicole: Yeah, my mom’s in town. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.
Glenn: She’s really been a big help.
Penelope: [ butting in ] My mom helps me out a lot, too! So — she helps me a lot, she’s always helping me with anything. So, my mom helps me a lot, too, so —
Anthony: I see you guys have, uh, had the pleasure of meeting Penelope?
Nicole: Yes.
Penelope: Yeah — [ chuckles ] And we met earlier tonight, so we know wach other — we’ve known each other for a while, so I know everyone at this party now. So — so, I know everybody.
Anthony: Nicole, you can’t even tell you just had a baby. You look great!
Nicole: Oh, thank you! I lost the first fifteen pounds pretty easily, the doctors —
Penelope: [ leans into frame ] I just lost twenty pounds! So — twenty.. twenty-five pounds, so — a little over twenty. So — [ leans out of frame ]
Nicole: Um — we were just telling Sue how much we love your new house!
Penelope: [ leans in again ] I do, too — it’s my favorite house — it’s my favorite house I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s my favorite house. So — [ leans back out ]
Glenn: You really went all out wih this party.
Anthony: Yeah, a little overboard. I even flew out, uh — [ point to Penelope ] Sue’s cousin, to surprise her.
Penelope: Yeah, I have a lot of cousins, too, so — More than one. Just a lot of cousins. We’re really close, too. Just anniversaries, holidays — just parties. One time, they flew me out for a tea party, so —
Glenn: Great. Uh — [ to Anthony ] How’s your brother, Jim, doing?
Anthony: Jim? He’s good. He’s really good. Just started Law school.
Penelope: I have a brother, Jim, too. He’s in Law SChool — started a log time ago, though, so — top of his class.
Glenn: Tell Jim I said Hi.
Penelope: I already told him you said Hi, so — I told him.
Sue: [ calling out ] Hey! Attention! Attention, everyone! Um — can I have everyone’s attention? Uh — first of all, I just want to say Thank You —
Penelope: [ squeezes into frame ] I also want to thank everybody for coming.
Sue: Um — on behalf of Anthony and I, I just wanted to thank all of you for coming tonight —
Penelope: Thank all of you for coming tonight.
Sue: We-we feel so blessed —
Penelope: I feel really blessed, too — a lot of really good things in my life, you know?
Sue: Not only for this new home —
Penelope: I have a new house, too — it’s really big.
Sue: But for all of our amazing friends —
Penelope: I have a lot of friends, too — a lot of friends —
Sue: Penelope, why do you always do this? You totally embarrassed yourself.
Penelope: I did it, that’s me — I embarrassed myself, so, everybody, look at me —
Glenn: She really doesn’t stop, does she? [ steps closer to Penelope ] Hey, Penelope? Guess what. I have a cousin that lives in space, and I recently lost five-hundred pounds, and you know what? My wife and I got here by paddling a kayak down the street, and two minutes after my baby was born, she spke French.
Nicole: Glenn! [ embarrassed ]
Penelope: That’s — all I have to say is: I have sixty cousins that live in space and other dimsensions, um — I just lost seven-hundred pounds, and, um, I invented kayaks, and I invented the streets, so — um — I have six babies now, who spoke forty-four languages before they came out of my stomach, um — and, uh — I can fly, so — [ she continues to ramble on as the group quickly disperses ]
Glenn: Honey, let’s get our coats.
Nicole: Yeah. [ they exit the room, as most of the other guests follow suit ]
Anthony: I’m sorry! Guys, don’t go! [ chases after his friends ]
Sue: Thanks a lot, Penelope.
Penelope: She’s thanking me, so — [ a couple stands next to her ] I have this table — I have that putfit, too, so —
Peyton Manning: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s such an honor and a thrill to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a fun year for me, as I’ve accomplished two of my lifelong goals: 1) I appeared in over half of America’s television commercials, and, uh, 2) my team, The Colts, won the Super Bowl. So, uh —
[ audience cheers loudly ]
You know, when you win the Super Bowl, the biggest challenge is not having a letdown year the next year, and so you ask, “How do I stay motivated?” Well, let me tell you a little story. I was recently visiting a Veteran’s Hospital in Boston, and I sat with Joe O’Malley — 85 years old, an incredible guy — and he said to me, “Peyton, what do Tom Brady and the circus have in common?” I said, “What’s that, Joe?” He said, “They both have two more rings than you do.” [ audience reaction is mixed between laughter and groans, which Peyton shrugs off ] You know, I really — Joe, honestly, I want to say Thanks, because of that comment I’m gonna go back and work hard to be sure and kick y’all’s ass next year! [ audience cheers ]
You know — and I have to say, finally getting a Super Bowl ring has helped me realize what’s most important in my life, and that’s family. for those of you who don’t know, I come from a football family. They mean the world to me, and some of them are here tonight. I’d like to introduce them to you, if I could. First, there’s my father — Archie Manning is here! Dad, stand up!
[ the audience cheers as Archie Manning, New Orleans Saints, Houston Oilers, Minnesota Vikings, stands among them ]
My dad was an NFL quarterback for fifteen years — he taught me everything I know! My brother, eli Manning, is here!
[ the audience cheers as Eli Manning, New York Giants, stands among them ]
Of course, you know Eli is a quarterback for the New York Giants. My wonderful mother, Olivia, is here!
[ the audience cheers as Olivia Manning stands among them ]
[ somber ] She didn’t make it to the NFL, uh — she didn’t have what it took. She got cut by the Dolphins, she tried in Canada for a bit, uh — she’s a real disappoint to all of us, uh, you know — she’s still a great lady, and we love her.
I am happy they’re here. I’m happy you’re here. Carrie Underwood is here, also. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ open on the image of a meatloaf being sliced and smothered in gravy ]
Peyton Manning V/O: Do you love meatloaf the way I do? Juicy, hot slices piled high and smothered in a rich, brown gravy?
[ cut to Peyton Manning ]
Peyton Manning: I’m Peyton Manning. And, if you like meatloaf as much as me, I’ve got the car for you. [ cut to Manning standing next to a white car ] The new Mercedes-550. A meatloaf lover’s dream. Look inside.
[ show interior of the vehicle ]
Peyton Manning V/O: Rich leather upholstery, wood grain highlights, and a stainless steel meatloaf oven simply to die for.
[ cut to Peyton driving the car along the highway ]
Peyton Manning: This is your car. Only the very best and tastiest meatloafs, cooked right here while you drive. Succulent — [ holds up a fork and takes a bite of the meatloaf ] juicy, done right. Homemade meatloaf straight from the oven and into your mouth.
[ cut to Peyton walking around to the trunk ]
Peyton Manning: Not enough? Check out what our engineer did to the trunk —
[ cut to close-up of the trunk as the lid is raised to reveal frozen meatloafs, plates, condiments and more ]
Peyton Manning V/O: — or, should I say, the butler’s pantry? Gravy holders.. ketchup.. frozen loafs —
[ cut to Peyton standing along the side of the car ]
Peyton Manning: And here’s the best part — you ride around in the 550 without your pants on!
[ camera zooms out to reveal that Peyton is pantsless ]
[ cut to Peyton entering the driver’s seat pantsless ]
Peyton Manning: That’s right — no pants!
[ show overhead shot of toilets inside the driver’s and front passenger’s seats ]
Peyton Manning V/O: Each seat is a toilet.
[ cut back to Peyton sitting pantsless in the driver’s seat ]
Peyton Manning: Do we know our meatloaf lover’s or what?
[ cut to product symbol, with SUPER: “Meatloaf Lovers Dream” ]
Announcer: The Mercedes-550. A meatloaf lovers dream.
[Opens with a demoralized basketball team entering thelocker room. Some sit on a bench, some stand behind. Amustached coach enters, clipboard in hand]
Coach: All right, listen up! I see a lot of mopeyfaces around here. Granted, we’re down by 34 points,McMillan broke his ankle and our cheerleaders havestarted to cheering for the other team. That doesn’tmean we can’t come back and win this thing. Wally, yougot something you wanna say?
Wally: Yeah, coach. Guys, this is my senior year andas team captain this is not how I wanna end my lastgame. So you guys listen up and listen good. Let’s getthe “f” outta here. I mean, there’s an exit near theshowers. We can get back to the bus and get back toDes Moines before they even know we’re gone.
[The team agrees, they start to head out.]
Coach: Come on, sit your buns back down.[Team sitsdown] Ok, we can’t just give up.
Wally: But coach this guys are so good and I’m very,very scared of them. Can I be real with you right now?I mean like really, really, really real.
Coach: Yes.
Wally: I just thought about going out there for thesecond half and a little bit of pee came out.
Coach: Guys, if I gave up every time I’ve peed mypants out of fear I would not be married. I would nothave 3 out of my 4 kids and I definitely would not bestanding here in front of you right now. No, feel mypants. They’re soaking with urine. Seriously, feelthem. Somebody? Anybody? They are soaking.
Wally: Look coach it’s no use, all right. We suck. AndI know for a fact that we can’t win this game. And I’dmuch rather head home. Bake some snicker-doodles witha few of my bro’s and then practice french-kissingwith my french-kissing puppet. So, all in favor ofgetting the “f” outta here say “Aye”.
Teammates: “Aye!”
Wally: All opposed?
Coach: Nay!!![throws clipboard to the floor] You know,one time I was on a team that was down by 56 points inhalf-time. 56 points! But then Coach John Wooten.Coach John Wooten! Came in on the locker room and heplayed us a song. And that song got us so fired upthat we went out there and managed the biggestcomeback in college basketball history![shows a tape] I brought that song with me tonight. And all I ask ofyou is to listen to this song once and then decide ifyou’re gonna run home with your tail between your legsor if you want to go back out there and kick the snotout of those bastards.
[Pop tape into radio. Casino Royale theme plays. Think60’s instrumental supermarket or elevator music. Coachtakes the song in. He is getting into it. Beat picksup, he gets more into it and cannot contain himself.Smiles big, dances moving side by side, arms extended,eyes closed, jumps up and down, makes like a gateclosing down with his arm, cups his hand up to hisear, jump in one place, he’s ecstatic. Song climaxes,he’s more happy than before, he’s in rapture, turnsaround, jumps, twirls.]
[At this point Bill Hader is cracking up hard. Hecovers his face with his hand. Peyton Manning is alsolaughing, he covers his smile with a towel. KenanThompson smiles too so does Fred Armisen. JasonSudeikis and Andy Sandberg are the only ones that keepa straight face]
Coach: Whooooa!!! Boys, can you feel it!! Wally??!!
Wally: I’m feeling it, Coach!
[Wally gets up, starts dancing around, moves his hips,snaps his fingers. Coach and Wally do circles, armslocked into each other, they playfully bump eachothers hips. Wally plays air guitar with the coach’sleg. The coach pretends to play air drums.]
Coach: Ok, now who’s ready to kick some BUTT!!!
Wally: Let’s do it!!!!
[Coach and Wally get out of the locker room towardsthe basketball court dancing and jumping around. Thewhole team stays behind.]
Peyton Manning: Thanks to Carrie Undewood, Dan Aykroyd. I want to thank all the cast and crew. I want to thank Lorne and Marci. What an unbelievable week, I can’t thank y’all enough. God night, everybody. Thank you.
[ suddenly, Eli and Cooper Manning wheel a birthday cake shaped like the main stage onto Home Base. The band begins to play “Happy Birthday”, as the crowd on the stage sings along.
Maraka: Hola, hello! Im Maraka. Soy Maraka. Do you know who this is? (re: Mittens) [beat]
Mittens: Thats right! Im Mittens! Soy Mittens!
Maraka: Mittens is a cat. Mittens es un gato. Do you like penguins? [pause] Me too! Mittens and I are on our way to Penguin Island. (She randomly holds up a fifty dollar bill) Can you break a fifty?
Mittens: Hey, Maraka, whats over there?
(They zoom to the left and we see its an air balloon.)
Maraka: Do you see anything that can take us to la montaña? The mountain?
(The mouse arrow key moves and clicks above the air balloon and we hear the click sound from the mouse.)
Maraka: Right! Its a balloon! Es un globo! [she pumps her hands together after she and Mittens get in the hot air balloon] Pump your hands together to make the balloon fill up! Pump them harder! (the balloon air bags grow gradually get bigger) Come on! Harder! Whats wrong with you?! (the air balloon fills up completely) There! You did it!
Maraka & Mittens: (together they sing) “Were flying, estamos volando!”
(Maraka pulls out her binoculars and looks into them.)
Maraka: Im using my binoculars (Spanish phrase) [cut to inside the binoculars] (O.S.): Hey! Look! One of the mommy penguins is missing her egg! (cuts back to outside her binoculars) Can you tell me how to check for a hernia? (pause) Muy bueno! (she looks back into her binoculars) [cuts to inside her binoculars] Wait! Theres the egg right now! Its being carried away by a bird! (cuts to back outside her binoculars) We need to get that egg! (randomly) Can you help me decide if Robert Blake was innocent? (pause) Thats interesting! Interesante! Ive never considered the testimonial (Spanish phrase) The bird is getting away! Weve got to tell the bird to put the egg down! Say Put it down! Again! (she starts flapping her arms like a bird) Now flap your wings while you do it! Flap your wings and yell! Dont question it just do it. Louder!
Bird: Sorry. (drops the egg)
Maraka: You did it! And look! [the egg hatches, revealing a baby penguin] The pequeño little pingüino penguin just hatched! Tramado! (She randomly pulls out a picture of a possible man or woman) Can you tell me if this person’s a girl or a guy? (pause) Youre right! ¡Bueno!
(The air balloon lands on some snow.)
Maraka: Were on Penguin Island! And look! (Cut to baby penguin trying to walk) Look! Mire! Baby pingüino — [a mixture of Spanish, Swahili, and a host of other languages] We have to help baby penguin down the mountain! (randomly) Do you know why my father left me? (pause) ¡Bueno! Now lets show baby penguin how to slide down the mountain like a penguin! (while shes saying this, Mittens pulls out a picture of a penguin sliding down the snow hill) Get on your tummy like a penguin so we can show the baby penguin how to slide down the mountain! Get on your tummy! On your tummy! Do it ass—-! (They start sliding)
Maraka: (sings in Spanish as they slide)
(They get down.)
Maraka: Uh-oh. Do you see anything heading toward baby penguin?
(Cuts to baby penguin down the hill, but on top of the hill a giant ball of snow is coming its way.)
(The arrow clicks on the snowball to answer Marakas question)
Maraka: ¡Bueno! Es canto mortal enorme! An enormous deadly boulder!
(The ball is coming closer and closer towards baby penguin)
Mittens: (shrieks) Baby penguin!! (he dives into the penguin and pushes the penguin out of the way)
Maraka: Say hooray! (They jump and say Hooray!) Mittens saved baby penguin! If Mittens chose to save baby penguin based on his beliefs, and Mitten’s beliefs are not in his direct control, does Mittens really have free will?
Six men (ANDY SAMBERG, JASON SUDEIKIS, FRED ARMISEN, BILL HADER, WILL FORTE, and KENAN THOMPSON) stroll side-by-side in matching white-on-white tracksuits.
INT. BASKETBALL COURT
A game is in progress between all the men, now in various PT gear. Bill makes a shot and misses. Bill turns his head to Andy behind him and points at him.
Bill: Foul!
The ball’s in motion again. Will, shirtless, passes the ball to Bill. Bill passes it to Fred.
Fred: Short!
Fred shoots the ball and it bounces against the backboard and hits the rim. No shot.
Fred: Short!
Fred again shoots the ball. Ball fails to go into basket.
Fred: Short!
No one passes the ball to Fred.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UPS of Sudeikis & Samberg moving forward on the camera.
INT. BASKETBALL COURT
Kenan makes a shot, but is thwarted by another player.
Kenan: Ow! Foul!
Jason gets the ball, but struggles to maintain it. Both offense and defense are playing sub-standard. Andy trips over Kenan’s back leg.
Andy: Ow! Ow!
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
All men are side-by-side in their white tracksuits.
FREEZE FRAME
SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE. The way you play, you don’t need these shoes.
Announcer V/0: Air Force One. The way you play, you don’t need these shoes.
