Mike…..Fred Armisen Black Man…..Kenan Thompson Husband…..Jason Sudeikis Wife….Amy Poehler Lexie…..Scarlett Johansson
[ open on a stage filled with various shapes of marble columns, as Mike steps into frame ]
Mike: Mawble cawlums! [ runs his hands up a marble column ] Elegant, sturdy, and bursting with class! Nothing says “I’ve got money and power!” like a mawble cawlum! How do I know? Because I’ve been selling mawble cawlums to rich people for over TEN YEARS! I’m talkin’ MILLIONAIRES! With mawble cawlums in your house, that place is gonna look like a MANSION! Transform your living room!
[ cut to photo of three marble columns separating spaces within a living room ]
Mike V/O: The bathroom!
[ cut to photo of three marble columns separating spaces within a bathroom ]
Mike V/O: Even your driveway!
[ cut to photo of five marble columns surrounding a driveway ]
[ cut back to Mike ]
Mike: How much you wanna bet the car pullin’ up to that driveway is a ROLLS-ROYCE?! You GOTTA get yourself some.. mawble cawlums!!
[ cut to black man eating breakfast at a small table in a modest-looking kitchen ]
Mike V/O: You like eating breakfast?
[ Black Man nods his head, as two marble columns suddenly surround his chair ]
Mike V/O: How about eating breakfast in a kitchen with mawble cawlums? Ooh-la-la! Now, that’s a fancy meal!
[ cut to couple lying in bed, ignoring one another in favor of reading material ]
Mike V/O: Could you use a little help in the bedroom department?
[ the couple nods, as a marble column materializes at the foot of their bed ]
Mike V/O: Try some mawble cawlums! [ the lights dim, as the couple begins making love under the sheets ] you’ll be goin’ at it like the King and Queen of France!
[ cut back to Mike ]
Mike: Ya’ GOTTA get yourself some.. mawble cawlums!! You don’t believe me? Just ask my daughter Lexie!
[ cut to Lexie standing in front of four screens with rotating images of marble columns ]
Lexie: Look at dese cawlums! [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] Look at dis one, look at dat one. Can you believe it? You can stick dese dings EVERYWHERE! Dey make your house look like a PALACE! Like a CASTLE! People are gonna look at your house and go, “Who lives dere? The Pope?!” “What is dat? The Playboy Mansion?” It’s ridiculous! Imagine going up to your house and seein’ dese and goin’, “Oh, my God! I live here!” [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] How nuts would it be to own dis one, or dat one? Dis one, or DAT one! [ poses and smiles ]
[ cut back to Mike ]
Mike: [ smiling ] Yeah! Yeah! Ya’ GOTTA get yourself some mawble cawlums!! The Romans had ’em — and they didn’t do too bad, right? Hey, you know what? Take a good look at the White House! Notice anything classy on the porch? CAWLUMS!! So, come on down to Mikes Marbleopolis, and get yourself some CAWLUMS!!
[ cut to exterior, Mike’s Marbleopolis, a high-class mini-mall location with endless marble columns standing inside. Older model cars are parked in front. ]
Jingle: Mike’s Marbleopolis! 2941 Central Avenue in Lynbrook!
[ bubble appears in lower left corner, Mike and Lexie facing forward ]
Together: Ya GOTTA get yourself some mawble columns!!
Salesman…..Bill HaderMrs. Teasdale…..Kristen Wiig Daughter…..Scarlett Johansson Mrs. Hastings…..Kenan Thompson
Salesman: Mrs. Teasdale I think your daughter is going to be really happy with the gown.
Mrs. Teasdale: well I hope so for 3500 dollars.
(Both chuckle as Mrs. Teasdale leaves and Mrs. Hasting’s daughter enters)
Salesman: Im sorry, were by appointment only.
Daughter: what is this place, the dermamatoligist? Shoot, I aint come down here to have my moles looked at.
Salesman: well unless you have an appointment Im going to have to ask you to leave.
Daughter: Well you dont have to be rude. Shoot I just need a prom dress.
Salesman: Do you have an appointment
Daughter: I dunno my momma probably did. Your gonna have to ask her, you feel me?
Salesman: Where is she?
Daughter: I dunno the last time I saw her she was in the back of the line at the chicken fillet!
Mrs. Hastings: Oh there you are! Girl I have been lookin for you. I turn around and you werent there. Shoot Ive been runnin around with this tray of waffle fries for like thirty minutes. Hold this for me. (Puts tray on mannequin) Thank you! Oh what is her problem? Attituuude!!!!
Daughter: Moma this man says we need an appointment up in here.
Mrs. Hastings: We had an appointment yesterday but I couldnt make it. I had bowl problems. Big ones! They put a renuzic next to me and I just watched it go zoop.
Salesman: Im sorry what is your name again?
Mrs. Hastings: Oh I am Mrs. Hastings but you can call me Virginica.
Salesman: Robert Hastingss wife and this is your daughter.
Mrs. Hastings: Thats right. This is my daughter. Dont by vagina but by marriage.
Salesman: Let me get a prom dress you might like. (leaves)
Mrs. Hastings: Oohh these barbecue corn nuts is zesty.
Daughter: Thats because they Cajun barbecue corn nuts and they stink too!
Mrs. Hastings: Hush up girl.
(salesman returns)
Salesman: I think youll like this one. Its very understated.
Mrs. Hastings: Where do you think shes goin, Dan Rathers house? This is prom!
Daughter: Dang who you think I am, Vanna White? I want something thats classy you know, something that I can do my coochie ups and downs in.
Mrs. Hastings: Oh baby show him the coochie ups and downs! (mom beat boxes)
Daughter: bring your coochie down.. bring your coochie up.. bring your coochie down.. bring your coochie up.
Salesman: Im guessing something with stretch
Mrs. Hastings: Or a cheetah print
Salesman: Oh Ill check one thing. Whats her date wearing?
Mrs. Hastings: Preferably something that comes off quick. Give it up fo yo step-mama!
Daughter: You did not
Mrs. Hastings: Yes I did
Daughter: You did not
Mrs. Hastings: Yes I did.
Daughter: You did not
Mrs. Hastings: Hush up girl. Now call T.J and see what hes wearing.
Daughter: [on cellphone] T.J mmm. Some man wants to know whats yous wearin to proms, mmmhhmm, hes wearin a New Jersey nets jump suit and a derby with a featha.
Salesman: Sorry I asked.
Mrs. Hastings: (points at dresses) How much these be
Salesman: Those are on hold theyre not for sale.
Mrs. Hastings: Well this ones brutiful.
Salesman: thats on hold.
Mrs. Hastings: Well How bout this brutiful one.
Salesman: On hold
Mrs. Hastings: Well this brutiful ones so brutiful.
Salesman: On hold
Daughter: Well how bout this one mama
Salesman: That one is a birthday present for Sissy Clineburgs 80th birthday. She only wears urban safari.
Daughter: Mama how come I cant get this dress to show off my junk?
Mrs. Hastings: (deep voice) Why cant my baby get this dress to show off her junk?
Salesman: Because its for someone else.
Mrs. Hastings: You know what baby. Let mama work her magic.
Salesman: You know what you need to just step
Mrs. Hastings: (cut him off) out of my jeans?
Salesman: No.
Mrs. Hastings: bend over and grab my ankles and peak at you upside down between my legs?
Saleman: Seriously, would you
Mrs. Hastings: (cuts him off) get naked and hide my private parts between two pocket books
Salesman: Oh lord I am so not interested
Mrs. Hastings: well this isnt the first time Ive been attracted to a gay man today
Daughter: mama what you doin? Im buggin out and I need my prooooommmm dress.
Mrs. Hastings: I know baby you need to outside and mama will take care of it. Oops! I think my Jordache button flies just came flew open and Uho, it looks like I mistakenly put my g-string on backwards
Scarlett Johansson: I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to have been on this show — the cast, the crew, Bjork! Whoo-oo!! I love you, I love you! Thank you! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: Guest Writers:
April 21st, 2007 Scarlett Johansson Bjork None Sen. Charles Schumer Bryan Tucker Chris Gethard President Bush Press ConferenceSummary: On C-Span, President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) tackles reporters’ questions about events surrounding the Alberto Gonzales resignation. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Bio: Charles Schumer (1950-). Politician; Senior Senator from New York since 1999; U.S. House of Representatives, 1981-99; led the effort to have Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resign after firing eight U.S. Attorneys.
Montage
Scarlett Johansson’s MonologueSummary: Scarlett Johansson and “Americna Idol” reject, Sanjaya (Andy Samberg), sing “Something to Talk About.” Also Hosted: 05j. Recurring Characters: Sanjaya.
Live! With Regis & KellySummary: Regis Philbin (Darrell Hammond) returns to the show, following his triple bypass surgery, and co-star Kelly Ripa (Amy Poehler) can’t wait to over-exert him during an interview with Ivanka Trump (Scarlett Johansson). Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa. Note: Regis Philbin will return to “Live!” on April 26th.
Mrs. HastingsSummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) seeks a prom dress for her latest ghetto-acting stepdaughter (Scarlett Johansson). Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps affectionately about his brother-in-law Roy (Bryan Tucker), because “Roy Rules!” Note: This Digital Short finally airs, after being cut from two of the last three dress rehearsals. Transcript
Mikes MarbleopolisSummary: In case chandeliers aren’t right for you, buy a marble column from Mike (Fred Armisen) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities. Recurring Characters: Mike, Lexie. Transcript
WIIX NewsSummary: Reporter Michelle Dison (Kristin Wiig) is back on the scene, and this time she’s strangely attracted to Bonnie Cox (Scarlett Johansson) during their interview. Recurring Characters: Gil, Michelle Dison. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler once again ask “Really!?!” when Alberto Gonzales announces that he won’t be resigning as Attorney General. Will Forte performs a song for Earth Day, but focuses more on the movie “Battlefield Earth.” Transcript
KuatosSummary: Friends think they’re going to announce an engagement, but lovers Danny (Bill Hader) and susan (Maya Rudolph) just want everyone to meet the Kuatos (Andy Samberg, Scarlett Johansson) who live in their stomachs. Recurring Characters: Danny, Kuato, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
News MakersSummary: An embarrassed Jane Pauley (Kristen Wiig) reports on Internet celebrities who have gained recognition through their viral videos, such as Mini-Mall Guy (Kenan Thompson), Little Superstar (Fred Armisen), the Grape-Stomping Lady (Scarlett Johansson) and the Star Wars Kid (Will Forte). Recurring Characters: Jane Pauley.
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Torboto”, a robot singlehandedly fights the war on terror.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Two A-Holes at a Yoga ClassSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) join a yoga class. Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.
Attention ShoppersSummary: While shopping, a woman (Scarlett Johansson) runs into her ex-boyfriend, an employee at the supermarket who makes rude comments about her over the loudspeaker.
Hardware StoreSummary: Shopper (Fred Armisen) makes a scene at the hardware store by dropping things on his penis.
La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny VedecciSummary: Fast-talking Italian talk show host Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Scarlett Johansson.
Businessman: [walking into a convenience store] Whoo! What a hard day at the office! How was your job at the factory?
Factory Worker: Hard and long. Long day down at the factory, where Ive worked for years.
Businessman: How long has it been?
Factory Worker: Oh me, down at the factory? Id have to say six, seven years.
Businessman: Since you were eighteen?
Factory Worker: Thats right, and Im 24 now, so that makes six years down at the factory, working.
Businessman: Wow! [grabs case of beer from shelf] Im still one year older than you, [hands case of beer to Factory Worker] so that makes me 25. [grabs another case of beer and starts walking up to the cashier with Factory Worker].
Factory Worker: Were a couple of old timers. Hello, my man, looks like well be having these two old cases of beer today.
Cashier: You guys got some I.D.?
Businessman: You bet. [starts looking in pockets, you know he is obviously faking it] Oh, shoot. I just remembered something. I was on the golf course this morning with some business associates and we were exchanging business cards and I must have given one of the guys my drivers license by mistake. Its a true story, or else how could I have these three business cards from real businesses? [fans out three cards in front of cashiers face] I ask you that. [sets cards on counter]
Cashier: Its not a problem as long as one of you guys has an I.D.
Factory Worker: Uh, that would be my department. [Starts rustling his pockets and pulls out wallet] Yeah, there it is, hold on just a second. I got it renewed a couple of days ago. Oh! It was here and now its gone. Oh shoot. I guess one of the kids must have stolen it again. They think its a toy.
Businessman: How old are those little guys now?
Factory Worker: Well, I got a 7, got a 6 year old, and I got a 3 year old. One of them must have gotten in my wallet and grabbed my I.D. [slaps Businessmans shoulder] You know what, I bet it was Kevin.
Businessman: Oh, that Kevin! Always up to no good. Anyways, we should just get these beers and get on out of here.
Factory Worker: Yes indeed, time to settle up.
Businessman: Oh, do you need any smokes?
Factory Worker: Oh no, I got plenty of smokes at the other store where we were just at five minutes ago.
Businessman: Oh, where we bought the other cases of beer!
Factory Worker: Thats the one! Listen to us go on about all the cases of beer we buy all the time.
Businessman: So anyways, how much do we owe you, partner?
Cashier: Yeah, I still need to see some I.D. [pulls beer toward him]
[Police enters store]
Police: Good work, guy! You passed the test!
Cashier: What are you talking about?
Police: Im Agent Parker with the ATF. Agent Ron Harris and Pat Richards here work for the ATF and weve been running sting operations trying to catch store clerks selling alcohol to underage kids.
Cashier: Well, Im just doing my job.
Police: You wouldnt believe how many store clerks dont even check I.D. Thats why, on behalf of the ATF, I would like you to have this Certificate of Responsibility. [rolls out certificate] You can just hang this up anywhere. [hands certificate to cashier]
Factory Worker: Should we get going, guys? [starts pulling beer toward him]
Police: [puts hand on Factory Workers shoulder] Back to the ATF office.
Businessman: Yeah, but lets first put this beer away since we wont need it.
Factory Worker: Hey, look at that, its after 5. You guys up for a couple of beers?
Police: Well, I am off-duty, but how much for just the two cases?
Cashier: Its 12 a case.
[Everyone starts nodding and looking in their pockets. They hand all of their money to Police and pool it up.]
Police: [puts money on counter] Here you go. And once again, thanks for being responsible.
Cashier: [pulls beer toward him] And I need to see some I.D.
Police: Of course.
[Burglar enters]
Burglar: Okay, this is a robbery.
Police, Businessman, and Factory Worker: [robotically] Oh no! A robbery! [they all hand over their wallets]
Factory Worker: Here, take my wallet!
Burglar: I just want this one wallet, thank you. [takes Polices wallet and looks inside] Hmm, 24. You look younger, but this is a valid I.D. I used to work as a bouncer. See you later, suckers. [waves]
Businessman: Wow, that was close.
Police: I wish that robber hadnt stolen my wallet. It had my I.D. in it, but now you know Im 24, so [takes beer]
Cashier: Yeah, I still need to see some I.D.
Businessman: How about this crisp 5 dollar bill for an I.D?
Cashier: Sold! See you guys back at the dorm. [High five]
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to a close-up of a pen scribbling a message in a notebook ]
[ pull back to reveal Keith sitting on a sofa scribbling thie message, as Dave enters and sits to his side ]
Dave: Hey, man. What’cha doin’?
Keith: Nothing. Just, uh — writing a letter to my sister.
Dave: Cool.
Keith: It’s pretty crazy. I, uh — I haven’t seen her in years. It’s, uh — it’s weird, because —
[ a gunshot sounds, as we cut to a close-up of a pistol being held by Dave ]
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ] “Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that you only meant well? well, of course you did Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that it’s all for the best? Ah, of course it is Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that it’s just what we need You decided this Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”
[ in slow-motion, Keith looks down at where he’s been shot and holds up his bloody fingers. Dave maintains his stance, as a surprised Keith turns his head in disbelief, then drops to the floor facefirst, with his wide-open eyes staring directly at the camera. ]
[ distraught, Dave drops the gun to the floor and begins gasping in an attempt to catch his breath ]
[ suddenly, Keith is pointing the gun, and fires a shot at Dave ]
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ] “Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that you only meant well? well, of course you did Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that it’s all for the best? Ah, of course it is Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that it’s just what we need You decided this Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”
[ Dave reacts to the shot just as Keith did moments ago, and falls to the floor lying next to Keith. Both men are sprawled side-by-side on the carpet, the gun now just out of Keith’s reach. ]
[ Eric enters the room, laughing ]
Eric: Ha ha! Guys, I just thought of the funniest thing! —
[ the gun is fired again, this time being held by Dave ]
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ] “Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that you only meant well? well, of course you did Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that it’s all for the best? Ah, of course it is Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that it’s just what we need You decided this Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”
[ Eric reacts accordingly, holding his hands over his bloodied stomach, then drops to his knees and falls facefirst to the floor lying next to his buddies. Dave drops the gun and falls back on the floor again. ]
[ Keith’s sister enters the room, sees the three men spread dead across the carpet, then notics Keith’s notebook and begins to read it ]
Keith V/O: “Dear, Sister: By the time you read this –“
[ this time, Eric fires the shot ]
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ] “Mmm, what you say? Mmmm, that you only meant –“
[ Keith’s sister slowly turns around in disbelief, as, suddenly, Dave fires a shot at her ]
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ] “Mmm, what you say? Mmm –“
[ Keith’s sister reacts to this second shot, as, incredibly, Keith fires a shot at her as well ]
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ] “Mmm, what you say? –“
[ the soundtrack begins to skip, as, in rapid succession, shots are fired by Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Dave, Keith, Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Keith, then Eric again ]
[ Keith’s sister finally falls facefirst to the floor, her eyes wide open and staring directly at the camera ]
[ police sirens sound in the background ]
[ a pair of police officers step over the bodies ]
Police Officer 2: [ holding Keith’s notebook ] Hey, Sarge – listen to this: “Dear Sister: By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. This is how I think it’s gonna happen: Dave will shoot me, then I’ll shoot Dave, then Eric will enter and get shot by Dave. Then, you’ll come in and get shot by Eric, Dave, and I multiple times. Love: your brother, Keith.” [ chuckles ] “P.S.: Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other.” Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve —
[ the soundtrack again skipa, as the two police officers repeatedly shoot one another and eventually fall facefirst onto the floor next to one another ]
[ open within the halls of Studio 8-H, outside of Maya Rudolph’s dressing room, as make-up people doll her up for the Goodnights. Shia Lebouf strolls past. ]
Maya Rudolph: Hey, Shia!
Shia Lebouf: [ stops ] Oh. Hey, Maya — hey, you know what I was just thinking? Our names rhyme.
Maya Rudolph: Hey, that’s right, they do! I never even thought about that!
Shia Lebouf: Yeah. Yeah, me neither.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah — I was lying. I really have thought about it — a lot. [ to the make-up people ] Beat it!
[ the make-up people exit her dressing room ]
Maya Rudolph: [ stands and wraps her arms around Shia’s shoulders ] Why don’t we go in my dressing room?
Shia Lebouf: But — but —
Maya Rudolph: Shh! Shh! Shhia! [ pulls him into her dimly-lit dressing room, where a fully-dressed table flanked with dinner awaits ] Have a seat, youngster. Come on — don’t be shy-a! Get it? I just made that up right now! [ tosses her hair back ]
Shia Lebouf: Oh. It’s pretty good.
Maya Rudolph: Actually, I was lying, Shia. I’ve had that joke for two weeks now — and I NAILED it!
Shia Lebouf: [ nervous ] Well, I should probably get back —
Maya Rudolph: [ places a drink in front of him ] Drinking? Good idea!
Shia Lebouf: I don’t really drink —
Maya Rudolph: Yeah? [ clinks their glasses ] Well, I do. [ sips her drink, then lets the glass crash to the floor. She stands immediately and begins to massage Shia’s shoulders with her elbows. ] Ohhhh, Shia! Oh, you make me feel so alive! Oh, you are something else, buster! Hey, you know what my favorite movie of yours is?
Shia Lebouf: Uh — is it “Holes”?
Maya Rudolph: [ nods ] Big time! [ walks across the room ] Hey, Lebouf — you like music?
Shia Lebouf: Uh — uh — yeah —
Maya Rudolph: [ as the music pots up ] You know what this song is?
Shia Lebouf: No.
Maya Rudolph: It’s called: [ recites a title in a high-pitched Japanese voice ] Mmm. You hungry? I could cook you something. [ lights up a cigarette ]
Shia Lebouf: Really? You have time to cook during the show?
Maya Rudolph: [ sits ] They know how important this is to me! [ picks up a bowl filled with an unidentifiable food product ] Here. Have a bite. [ feeds a bite to Shia ]
Shia Lebouf: Wow.. it’s pretty good.
Maya Rudolph: You like it?
Shia Lebouf: Yeah.
Maya Rudolph: It’s baked cereal! Ohh, Shia! [ rubs noses with him ] I’m very attracted to you! Have you guessed that yet?
Shia Lebouf: [ nervously ] I think I have —
Maya Rudolph: Good! [ with a high-pitched squeal: ] Ohhhhhh, SHI-AAAA!!! You make me feel like a SCHOOLGIRL again!! Can I propose something to you? After the show tonight, you.. and me.. private plane.. Mexico City!
Shia Lebouf: Um – hold on, hold on — [ spits out the baked cereal ] Let me just stop you right there. Alright? Maya, will you stop it right there?
Maya Rudolph: What, you don’t like it?
Shia Lebouf: You think you’re the first older woman to hit on me? Huh? Yuo don’t think this happens to Shia Lebouf all the time?
Maya Rudolph: [ shakes her head ] Shia, what is this? What are you saying?!
Shia Lebouf: Let me guess, huh? Yuo want to settle down somewhere, say some sleepy little Mexican fishing village where we get married and pop out a couple puppies, huh? WE’ll call the boy “Esteban.” And an old local man will take me under his wings and teach me how to fish, using only guacamole and.. [ holds up his hands] these. I’ll make a meager ten pesos a week catching gorato [?], while you sit on your FAT ASS all day eating cream cheese with a spoon!
Maya Rudolph: [ frantic ] But, Shia!! I don’t understand!!
Shia Lebouf: Let me TELL you something, woman — !!
[ a stagehand opens the door ]
Stagehand: Maya —
Maya Rudolph: [ throws a glass of wine at the open doorway ] GET OUT OF HERE!!! [ the stagehand shuts the door and shirks away ]
Shia Lebouf: [ laughs in spite of himself ] If you thought I’d go for this hairbrained scheme of yours.. then, you thought right. The answer.. is Yes. Whatever you say. I’ll see you later, Maya.. Lebouf. [ touches her chin, stands, and exits the room ]
Maya Rudolph: [ reaches her hand out toward his wake ] Adios.. mi amor.
[ the camera pans over to a reflection of the Andy Warhol-inspired prints of Maya-as-Versace, as we fade ]
Blade P. Cutsworth….Will Forte Bernard Throttleland….Shia Lebouf Melanie Ginsu….Kristen Wiig
[Opens with a man in a business suit and his youngprotegee in a shirt and tie standing on a porch. Manin the business suit knocks on the door.]
Blade P. Cutsworth: How are you doing Bernard?
Bernard: Well, I’m a little nervous, sir. It’s my first day.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Look don’t worry. You’re gonna dojust fine. Slice-Co is a wonderful product. This knife practically sells itself.
Bernard: I just want to do my best, sir.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. You will. Motivational work hug?
Bernard: Sure. Why not?
Blade P. Cutsworth: Great.
[Mr. Blade hugs Bernard just as a woman answers the door]
Bernard:[a little embarrassed]Oh, there she is. She’s right there.
Melanie Ginsu: Can I help you?
Blade P. Cutsworth: No, but we may be able to helpyou, ma’am.[ Mr.Blade closes her door.]I am Blade P.Cutsworth, not my legal name, and this is my protegeeBernard Throttleland. Ma’am, this is Bernard’s firstday on the job and you must know that I’m proud as apeacock to be standing next to him. But that’s anothertale for another day. We’re here to sell you someknives. Now, I’ll put you down for one thousandknives. Would you like to add on to that order?
Melanie Ginsu: Actually I’m pretty well set in the knife department.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. No, you’re not!
Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.
Blade P. Cutsworth: No, you’re not.
Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard help me out here.
Blade and Bernard: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade and Bernard: Are not
Melanie Ginsu: Am too.
Blade and Bernard: Are not.
Melanie Ginsu: Am too
Blade P. Cutsworth: No you don’t! You need moreknives! You need a lot of knives! Every kitchen needs more knives!
Bernard: No!, no!, no!
Melanie Ginsu: I have plenty of knives!
[Talk over each other]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Hold on a minute! What the heckare we doing here? I mean we have a grade-A qualityknife to sell and you’re in obvious need for knives.
Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.
Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.
Melanie Ginsu: My husband is Ronald Ginsu. He is the inventor of the Ginsu knife.
[Bernard and Mr.Blade are caught off guard]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Hmmm, Bernard. Please demonstratethe blade on a frozen carrot for Ms. Ginsu.
Bernard: Yes, sir. Just a second there.
[Bernard sets up the demonstration table. Knives slam a little on the table]
Bernard: Behold the awesome power of the Santoku carrot knife.
[Chops carrot in half]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Shazzam!!
Bernard: Bam!!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!
Bernard: Bam!!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!
Bernard: Wham!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Right?!
Melanie Ginsu: Sorry, I already got knives that cut through frozen carrot.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have one that can slice through a ream of paper? Bernard?
Bernard: Yep, behold the awesome power of the Slice-Copaper cleaver.[Cuts ream of paper in half] Ma’am!, ma’am!, ma’am!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Wham!, pow!, pow! What a tool!!!
Melanie Ginsu: I already have a paper cleaver.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver?
Melanie Ginsu: Yes.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver-cleaver?
Melanie Ginsu: Look, I am Melanie Ginsu. I have like every knife in existence.
Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a knife that caneffortlessly cut through a grown man’s pinky finger?
Melanie Ginsu: Actually, I don’t.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, please effortlessly cut through your pinky finger.
[Bernard is freaking out]
Bernard: Oh, sir…
Melanie Ginsu: Well, the pinky finger is really not that tough of a bone to cut through.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s a good point! Bernard, please locate the thickest of your finger bones and effortlessly cut through that. That more to your liking, ma’am?
Melanie Ginsu: Well, I can’t promise a sell but I’m listening now.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, great! We have your attention now!
Bernard:[Scared] Ummm, sir. I’m not gonna cut off my finger.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. One moment, please.
[Mr. Blade takes Bernard aside]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, what are you doing?
Bernard: But I need my fingers, sir!
Blade P. Cutsworth: For what?!
Bernard: For a lot of things!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, we almost have a friggin’sale, now effortlessly cut off your biggest finger!
Bernard: I can’t do it, sir!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Do I have to do everything myself??!! Give me the knife!
[Gets the knife]
Bernard: Oh, sir…
Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Mr. Blade cuts his thumb off on the demonstration table, jets of blood spurt from the wound]
Bernard: AAAAHHH!!!! OH, GOD!!
Blade P. Cutsworth: Look at that! Cuts right through the bone! Look at that!
Melanie Ginsu: Oh, my God! I will take two of those knives!
Blade P. Cutsworth: You hear that Bernard! 2 knives! That’s a double sale! Ma’am, that’ll be $13 dollars even! What do you think?!
[Blood keeps spurting. Staining with red everybody’s clothes]
Melanie Ginsu: Oh, no. I’m sorry, 13 dollars? I didn’t realize it was so expensive. I can’t buy those knives from you.
[Blood keeps flowing and spurting from Mr. Blade’s hand]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s unfortunate.[Scratches his head, colors his face red with blood] 13…
Bernard: Sir, sir….
Blade P. Cutsworth: That’s unfortunate cause umm….it’s really starting to hurt!
[Mr. Blade, sucks his gaping wound, drinks blood from it like from a fountain. Shia almost cracks up]
Bernard: Sir, sir. I’m going to take off now. All right, sir. [Leaves]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, ok. [In excruciating pain]Nice working with you Bernard! Oh, ma’am. Could youpoint me in the direction of the nearest hospital?
Melanie Ginsu: Oh, sure. You’re gonna go down thisroad about two miles… [Blood is staining her clothes]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Go down there, two miles….[Points with his thumb less hand, blood flows]
Melanie Ginsu: Then you’re gonna take a quick rightand go down that road 150 miles….
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok…
Melanie Ginsu: And there’ll be a hospital on yourleft. But that’s been closed for years.
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oooh, so its abandoned.
Melanie Ginsu: Yes, its abandoned.
[Blood keeps flowing]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, man. I do thank you for your time.
Melanie Ginsu: Ok, have a good day. [Goes inside]
Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok. Well at least I know that itcannot get any worse than this.
[Loud growling. A dog jumps on his leg and rips it off]
Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Dog continues to rip Mr. Blade apart in a pool of blood]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 14th, 2007 Shia LeBeouf Avril Lavigne None Phil Hyms Wally Feresten Lorne Michaels Alec Baldwin Wings Of HopeSummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) speak out on Don Imus’ “nappy-headed hoes” slur. Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton.
Montage
Shia LeBeouf’s MonologueSummary: Near-unknown Shia LeBeouf is ecstatic about hosting “Saturday Night Live”, but the glum cast members don’t share “The Kid”‘s enthusiasm. Bio: Shia LeBeouf (1986-). Actor; starred on Disney Channel’s “EVen Stevens”, 2000-03; films include “Holes” (2003) and “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (2008). Also Hosted: 07k.
The Hathaway Moustache Ride CompanySummary: The elegant history of moustache rides is traced back to the vision of their founder, Leonidas Hathaway (Alec Baldwin).
Prince ShowSummary: More eccentric behavior from Prince (Fred Armisen), as Tobey Maguire (Shia LeBeouf) is asked to sit on a giant cupcake and Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) drawls on. Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce Knowles, Tobey Maguire, Nancy Grace.
Under 21Summary: A group of underaged college students (Andy Samberg, Shia LeBeouf, Bill Hader, Will Forte) make clumsy ploys to buy cases of beer from a convenience store clerk (Kenan Thompson). Transcript
The Dakota Fanning ShowSummary: Brainy Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) mocks fellow child star guests Cole (Shia LeBeouf) and Dylan Sprouse (Andy Samberg), and her little sister, Elle Fanning (Avril Lavigne). Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning, Reggie Hudson, Catherine.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In a spoof of a cliffhanger from “The O.C.”, “The Shooting” features multiple shootouts as Keith (Bill Hader) pens a letter to his sister (Kristen Wiig). Transcript
Sofa KingSummary: Entrepreneuer Katir Mutar’s (Fred Armisen) sofas aren’t just great – they’re Sofa King great!
Avril Lavigne performs “Girlfriend”Also Performed: 02i, 03s.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Maya Rudolph interviews Howard K. Stern (Andy Samberg). Two gay guys from Connecticut (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader). Don Imus (Darrell Hammond) further incriminates himself.
Knife SalesmenSummary: Salesmen Blade P. Cutsworth (Will Forte) and Bernard Throttlehunt (Shia LeBeouf) goes to extremes to sell their knives to a housewife (Kristen Wiig), even if it means slicing off their own fingers. Transcript
An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica SimpsonSummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another without barely saying a word. Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
Avril Lavigne performs “I Can Do Better”
Maya & ShiaSummary: With the discovery that their first names rhyme, Maya Rudolph attempts to seduce Shia LeBeouf in her dressing room. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts RoommatesSummary: Student (Shia LaBeouf) tries to get his fat roommates to stop eating his food by using Jared the Subway guy to scare them.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about his brother-in-law Roy.
An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica Simpson ISummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another in dead silence. Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
Movie PitchSummary: Shia LaBeouf makes a movie pitch.
Hardware StoreSummary: Shopper (Fred Armisen) makes a scene at the hardware store by dropping things on his penis.
Monkey BusinessSummary: Teenager (Shia LaBeouf) tries to get rid of the monkeys in his room.
An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica Simpson IIISummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another with continued silence. Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
Air Date:
