[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of divorce forms and hookers approaching motor vehicles.]
Singers: MacGruber! He’s recently divorced, and he’s filing for bankruptcy! MacGruber! Unprotected sex with hookers is a nightly occurrence! MacGruber! The dude’s a raging alcoholic!
[CUT to a disheveled MacGruber walking drunk in front of footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to drug lord headquarters in the jungle. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Drug Lord Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Drug Lord Control Room” as sirens wail.]
[ Macgruber is stretched topless across the floor while mucnhing on a hamburger ]
April: You wanna get up, Macgruber?
MacGruber: [ slurred ] Where’s Casey?
April: She quit.
MacGruber: Well, then, I quit!
April: You can’t quit! You have to diffuse the bomb! Do you remember the bomb?
[ camera pans next to MacGruber to reveal the C4 bomb ]
MacGruber: What bomb?
April: The bomb you made when you were drunk!
MacGruber: [ extended silence ] What time..?
April: I don’t know.. I’m gonna get out of here, I’m quitting, too.
MacGruber: Well, okay.. [ continues to munch on the pieces of his hamburger ]
[CUT to the drug lord headquarters exploding into flames.]
April…..Molly Shannon Casey…..Maya Rudolph MacGruber…..Will Forte
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! He has a drink or two each night, but it doesn’t affect his job! MacGruber! The guy’s a social drinker!
[CUT to MacGruber chugging a bottle against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to grassed hut along a riverbank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “P.O.W. Prison Camp.” CUT to a sign marked “Prison Control Room” as sirens wail.]
April: [struggling with locked door] Damn! This door is locked from the outside!
Casey: As soon as that liquid hydrogen’s released, this baby’s gonna blow sky-high!
April: What’s the plan, Macgruber?
MacGruber: [leaning back casually with a shot glass in his hands] I wanna kiss you on the mouth.
April: What?!
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] TEN seconds!
April: What do we do, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Okay, okay, quickly. [ puts his shot glass down ] April, hand me that guitar. [ April reaches for a guitar ] Give me the guitar, give me the guitar! [ April hands him the guitar ] Come on. Okay, check this out: [ plays the guitar and sings ] “Macgruber. I’ve got ten inches of lovin’, and I want to give it to ya’ –“
April: [ incredulous ] Are you drunk?
MacGruber: [ still singing ] “Macgruber. Okay, maybe it’s not ten, but it’s certainly seven –“
April: Come on, man! Do something!
MacGruber: [ still singing ] “Macgruber. Okay, it’s more like five, maybe four. Macgruuuuuber –“
April…..Molly Shannon Casey…..Maya Rudolph MacGruber…..Will Forte
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations! MacGruber! He’s 15 years sober!
[CUT to MacGruber in a thumbs-up pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to an arch-shaped bridge along a series of rolling hills. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Boobytrapped Bridge.” CUT to a sign marked “Bridge Control Room” as sirens wail.]
April: [struggling with locked door] Holy smokes, Macgruber! There’s no way out!
Casey: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — that dirty bomb’s gonna detonate in 15 seconds!
MacGruber: [intensely] Alright, everyone keep it together! Okay, if we’re gonna get out of here — and we ARE gonna get out of here — we need to focus up!
Casey: [ looking at her watch ] TEN seconds!
April: What do we do, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Casey! Hand me that beaker!
Casey: You got it, Macgruber!
MacGruber: April! I need exactly FOUR ounces of tomato juice!
April: On the way, Macgruber!
MacGruber: Casey! Hand me that celery!
Casey: Celery! Check!
MacGruber: [ frantic ] Okay! Has anybody seen any tobasco sauce?
April: Uh — [ looking around the room, then crinkles her nose suspiciously ] Macgruber, are you making a drink?
[MacGruber sips a homemade Bloody Mary]
MacGruber: What’s up?
[CUT to the bridge exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon Ryan Seacrest…..Bill Hader Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler Melinda Doolittle…..Maya Rudolph Simon Cowell…..Jason Sudeikis Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson
[American Idol theme song comes on as you see the 3-D opening. The screen then goes to Melinda standing on the stage with Ryan standing right next to her]
Ryan Seacrest: Alright! I’m Ryan Seacrest! We’re back to find out who’s journey, is coming to an end tonight. Melinda, America has voted. Tonight, you are going home…
[Melinda looks down at her feet disappointed]
Ryan Seacrest: And by home, I just mean the hotel…
[Melinda looks up all surprised and excited]
Ryan Seacrest: So you can pack up your bags…
[Melinda looks down at her feet once again]
Ryan Seacrest: If you are chosen to leave…
[Melinda looks up all surprised again]
Ryan Seacrest: Which will be tonight…
[Melinda looks down AGAIN]
Ryan Seacrest: Or next week!
[By now, Melinda is just confused]
Ryan Seacrest: Or tonight. But right now I tell you that it is over! Or not over! Or is. Melinda! You… Are… Safe! [gives a thumbs up] Not safe! [thumbs down] Saaaaaaaafe [thumb goes up slowly] Agghhhh! [Thumb goes down quick] Ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes up slowly] ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes down slowly, then goes up and down over and over again] Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! You’re out… But safe!
[Melinda runs happily off the stage]
Ryan Seacrest: So let’s go to Jordan Blake, and see who is going
[Mary Katherine Gallagher runs on the stage, while the audience screams out in applaud]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher! [reaches out to shake his hand] Mary Katherine Gallagher! [Ryan is looking off stage trying to find security]
Ryan Seacrest: I’m sure you are excited to be here, but you need stay in your seat!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just want to say that even though I was cut on those pulmonary auditions, I just want to say that I really still feel that I deserve a chance to compete in America’s greatest talent competition.
Ryan Seacrest: Sorry, you only get one chance, you really need to get off the stage.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just I just [goes in a very soft voice to complete her sentence] Ryan, please. Before I’m forcibly removed I would just like to congratulate Randy on his gastric bypass and substitute weight loss slash partial regain.
[Randy’s face is confused by her saying partial regain]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: And I would also like to tell Paula that I do believe she’s never been drunk, and it’s just naturally drowsy.
[Paula, who looks intoxicated, blows her a kiss]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: And Simon, the way you verbally assault people, scares me in a very very sexy way that fills me with shame!
Simon Cowell: Young lady, what in bloody hell are you doing with your hands?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms, and smell them like this.
Simon Cowell: Ms. Gallagher, I admit you’re quite unique, but other then inhaling your own feminine musk, what else do you do?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What else do I do? I do… [runs and jumps] gymnastics! [runs and jumps again] gymnastics! [mumbles to herself]
Simon Cowell: This is a singing competition, young lady. So, say goodbye, it’s time to say goodbye.
[Ryan is getting ready to carry her off the stage, but Mary stops him]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: My feelings would best be described in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie, Shooting Stars, which is a Jackson 5 story, starring Lawrence Hilton Jacob III, from Welcome Back Cotter, as Jo Jackson, their driven, yet, abusive, daddy dreamer.
Ryan Seacrest: Mary, you have to leave the stage immediately, after you do this monologue… If I let you do it… which I will.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Boys, [a little piano ballad is going on in the background] you got to clean out your ears and listen to your daddy Jo! You want to be stars? You’ve got to sacrifice! You don’t need no school, Tito! You don’t need to girlfriend, Jermaine! Marlon, Jackie, you got to want this the way a junkie wants to junk! Stop crying, Michael, you big baby! One more peep out of any of you and I will get my belt and I will knock the gleam out of your afros! I don’t give a diddly damn if it’s four in the morning, we are going to rehearse that robo style, again and again and again!
[Ryan goes up to her trying to stop her]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Get out of here, Tito!
[Mary pushes ryan right into the back drop behind them and he rips through it]
Randy Jackson: Yo, yo, yo! Mary, enough! Now, I know Joe Jackson, personally, and that movie was way off base! He was a much bigger bastard to those kids in real life!
Paula Abdul: [slurring strongly] Mary, I just want to say, your performance, and your outfit, and lady power, and, oh, it’s amazing… [turns her chair towards the audience]
Simon Cowell: [sarcastic tone] Well said Paula. I too find you absolutely horrible! The only thing less appealing then your looks, is your talent. So you might as well leave, there is absolutely nothing else you can do to make me believe you’re special in any way.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can do something… [breaks out into song and starts singing, Brass In Pocket, by The Pretenders]
“Gonna use my arms, I’m gonna use my legs, I’m gonna use my style, I’m gonna use my sidestep, Gonna use my fingers, Gonna use my, my, my, imagination!”
[turns around, bends down, and pulls up her skirt, then runs offstage to the judge table]
“’cause I gonna make you see [Steps behind Randy, and massages his shoulders for a second] there’s nobody else here no one like me [runs to Paula, and rubs her head] I’m special, so special [Goes to Simon, and picks him up by his neck collar] I Gotta have some of your attention, give it to me!”
[Throws Simon on the judge table, which collapses, and she steps over him. Breaks out of song]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [kneels down and throws her arms in the air] Superstar! Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!
Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond Eleanor Hatch…..Kristen Wiig Trudy Westmoreland…..Molly Shannon Larry Budge…..Will Forte Aseeb Narzef…..Fred Armisen Blaine Goodbody…..Jason Sudeikis Dennis Kucinich…..Amy Poehler Lord Simon Frothingham…..Andy Samberg Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson…..Maya Rudolph Tony Blair…..Bill Hader Rev. Hershel P. Chocula…..Kenan Thompson
[ title graphics swirl across the screen ]
Announcer: NBC News Decision 2008 special. The Fringe Candidates Debate. And now, your host and moderator — Dan Rather.
[ Exterior: Sarah Lawrence College, night ]
Dan Rather: Good evening. I’m Dan Rather. I’d like to begin by thanking my current employer, HDNet, for allowing me to moderate this exciting event. HDNet. If you just bought an HD-TV, and you want to make sure it’s working properly, we’re the channel for you.
Two weeks ago, Brian Williams introduced us to the Democratic candidates. Last week, it was Chris Matthews and the Republicans. And now, tonight, in what I can only interpret as a confirmation of the winding-down of my previously-distinguished career, it’s my honor to introduce you to the Fringe Candidates.
[ show: Eleanor Hatch ]
First: from the New Revolutionary PETA Party, a radical breakaway faction of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Eleanor Hatch.
Eleanor Hatch: Animals are smarter than people!
[ show: Trudy Westmoreland ]
Dan Rather: From the New American Nazi Party, Trudy Westmoreland.
Trudy Westmoreland: Thank you so much for having me, Dan! I’m just so excited to be here — [ waves ] Heil Hitler!
[ show: Larry Budge ]
Dan Rather: From NAMBLA, Larry Budge.
Larry Budge: [ in as suave a manner as possible ] Hi, there.
[ show: Aseeb Narzef ]
Dan Rather: Also, from the Taliban, Aseeb Narzef.
Aseeb Narzef: The pleasure is mine!
[ show: Blaine Goodbody ]
Dan Rather: From the Dance Party, Blaine Goodbody.
Blaine Goodbody: [ busts a dance move to beat music ]
[ show: Dennis Kucinich ]
Dan Rather: From the Democratic Party, Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich.
Dennis Kucinich: [ smiles widely ]
[ show: Lord Simon Frothingham ]
Dan Rather: From the Whig Party, Lord Simon Frothingham.
Lord Simon Frothingham: Good day to you, sir!
[ show: Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson ]
Dan Rather: And from the Wig Party, Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson.
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Wait a minute, they’s TWO wig parties?? Uh-uh! That ain’t right!
I can explain, Madam! My Whig has an “H” in it!
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Mmm? Well, my wig’s got a CRUISE SHIP in it! So you’d best step up your game, Ben Franklin!
[ show: Tony Blair ]
Dan Rather: From the Labour Party, British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Tony Blair: [ smiles widely ] Hello!
[ show: Rev. Hershel P. Chocula ]
Dan Rather: And, finally, from the Black Vampire Party, the Rev. Hershel P. Chocula.
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: Good evening.
Dan Rather: Not since the Houston Asylum Fire of ’54 have I seen so many flaming crazies. Now, for many of you, the biggest hurdle is overcoming the negative connotations associated with your parties. Mr. Budge, let’s start with you. To most people, NAMBLA means a lot of dispicable things. How do you intend to overcome NAMBLA’s image problem?
Larry Budge: Well, first of all, I don’t think NAMBLA means what you think it means?
Dan Rather: North American Man-Boy Association?
Larry Budge: [ stung ] I stand corrected. It does mean what you think it means.
Trudy Westmoreland: Listen, if I can just step in, Dan. I know that the word [ makes quotes sign ] “Nazi” conjures up a lot of negative images, but this is the new Nazi Party, where we’re no longer focused on a culture of hate. We’re focused on the issues that really matter, like the economy, the media, finance — you know, Jew stuff.
Aseeb Narzef: Yes. Yes. I want to applaud my colleague’s position, Dan, while also adding: she spoke out of turn, and should be stoned to death!
Dan Rather: Well, things are officially battier than the memorabilia in Adam West’s garage. Iraq continues to be a hot-button topic of these debates. Congressman Kucinich.. where do you stand?
Dennis Kucinich: Well, as you know, Dan, I laid out my Iraq plan very clearly in last month’s Democratic debate.
Dan Rather: [ surprised ] You were at the Democratic debate?
Dennis Kucinich: Yes, Dan. I was.
Dan Rather: [ thinking back ] Were you in the audience?
Dennis Kucinich: [ his smile waning ] No. I was participating.
Dan Rather: From the stage?
Dennis Kucinich: Yep.
Dan Rather: You sure you weren’t there as a prank, or some kind of mascot?
Dennis Kucinich: Dan, I’m a congressman.
Dan Rather: I’m sorry. I assumed that “Congressman” was your first name.
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: Uh — Dan? If I may interject. I’m the only candidate here with a plan to end this war. As President, I will see to it that not one more drop of blood is spilled in Iraq!
Dan Rather: How?
Rev. Hershel P. Chocula: By spilling it here in my mouth! [ laughs ]
Dan Rather: Alright. You got me on that one, and you got me good. I feel as silly as a steer in a sperm bank. [ the candidates stare blankly at Dan ] And, for those of you who might not know it, a steer is an ox that’s been castrated. [ more blank stares ] Soooo, you see, a steer would feel pretty silly at a sperm bank.
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: [ starts laughing uproariously ] Whooooo!! I get it, Dan Rather! Whooooo!!
Dan Rather: [ fights his own smile ] Blaine? Many don’t understand the platform of the Dance Party. How would you describe it to prospective voters?
[ in lieu of a response, Blaine Goodbody busts another dance move ]
Dan Rather: I see. Lord Frothingham, where do you stand on the contentious issue of immigration?
Lord Simon Frothingham: Daniel, we of the Whig Party —
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Oh, no, you didn’t just call yourself the Wig Party again!!
Lord Simon Frothingham: Madam, as I explained earlier, my Whig has an “H” in it.
Fantasmagoria Purlene Robinson: Mmm-hmm. Well, your ass is about to have a foot up in it!
Eleanor Hatch: Dan? Dan? I don’t mean to be shrill, but do you know for the cost of one day in the war in Iraq, we could immunize EVERY mosquito in this country against insect repellant? [ sighs ] We just need to find small enough needles, Dan! Just real tiny needles –!
Tony Blair: [ interrupting ] Dan? Dan? I know it seems strange that a British Prime Minister would want to be President, but if anyone was fit for the job.. it’s me. For the last four years, I’ve prepapred for it with every decision, asked myself, “What would I do in this situation if I were the American president?” It’s because of those decisions that I am both ready to lead your country.. and also afraid to go back to mine! Thank you!
Dan Rather: Well. We will now have one closing statement, from a candidate whose name will be picked by me from this hat. [ reaches into the hat ] And, in a continuing crippling run of bad luck, our closing statement will come from NAMBLA’s Mr. Budge. Mr. Vudge?
Larry Budge: I believe, uh, that young people are the real future of this country. And tonight I leave them with this thought: At my house, I have X-Box! [ grins sheepishly ]
Dan Rather: [ stunned ] Well. Thus concludes the Fringe Canddiates Debate. Join me tomorrow on HDNet for “America’s Top 50 Sunsets.” Good night.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 19 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 12th, 2007 Molly Shannon Linkin Park None Lorne Michaels American IdolSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) auditions on “American Idol.” Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, Mary Katherine Gallagher. Transcript
Montage
Molly Shannon’s MonologueSummary: Molly Shannon flashes back to the 1990’s, when she had a schoolgirl crush on Lorne Michaels. Transcript
UrigroSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the renwed vigor of his urine stream. Note: Repeat from 01/20/07.
PenelopeSummary: Newcomer Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups fellow apartment dwellers at their tenant meeting. Recurring Characters: Penelope. Transcript
Decision ’08: The Fringe Candidates DebateSummary: Don Rather (Darrell Hammond) moderates a debate between of unlikely Democratic candidate-hopefuls. Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Tony Blair, Dennis Kucinich. Transcript
The SopranosSummary: Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) auditions to be a stripper at the Bada Bing! club. Recurring Characters: Sally O’Malley. Transcript
Linkin Park performs “What I’ve Done”Bio: Alternative rock/metal band from California; members: Chester Bennington, Rob Bourdon, Brad Delson, David “Phoenix” Farrell, Joe Hahn, Mike Shinoda.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Female comic Jeannie Darcy (Molly Shannon) performs as part of Weekend Update’s Comedy Cul-de-Sac. Blind cooking champion Pep Walters (Fred Armisen) attempts to give a barbecue demonstration. Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers debate the usage of the word “panties” in their What’s in a Word? segment. Recurring Characters: Jeannie Darcy, Pep Walters. Transcript
KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) and her mother (Molly Shannon) visit a nursing home. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.
Macgruber ISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) decides to Hell with the bomb and prepares a Bloody Mary instead. Recurring Characters: Macgruber, Casey. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Tales from the Greatest Generation” showcase the rough life of Big-Boobed Einstein.
The Oak RoomSummary: Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) and her friend Toni Carlisle (Molly Shannon) perform at the Oak Room. Recurring Characters: Charli Coffee.
Macgruber IISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) decides to Hell with the bomb and plays an acoustic version of his theme song instead. Recurring Characters: Macgruber, Casey. Transcript
Linkin Park performs “Bleed It Out”
Trump SteaksSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) hawks the world’s greatest steaks. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Melonia Trump.
Macgruber IIISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) decides to Hell with the bomb and rambles incoherently instead. Recurring Characters: Macgruber. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Pull My FingerSummary: A man’s (Will Forte) “pull my finger” gag goes horribly awry when his friend (Andy Samberg) accidentally pulls that finger out of joint.
The BachelorSummary: The Bachelor (Jason Sudeikis) pays the price when he turns down a witch (Molly Shannon).
Sexual PleasuresSummary: Molly Shannon and Fred Armisen can’t get Kristen Wiig to open up.
PowerpointSummary: A Powerpoint presentation is a hit until the ocmputer freezes on the song “I Like to Move.”
Gil…..Jason Sudeikis Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig Bonnie Cox…..Scarlett Johansson
Gil: Well, it looks like were gonna have beautiful weather for the antique car show. [Cackles for no good reason and nods to the side to whoever got that joke] And now Im happy to announce the return of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence for about six months and now shes back and were just so pleased, Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle.
Michelle Dison: Hi, Gil. Nice to see you. Thank you. First off let me say, I am so happy to be back doing my favorite segment, Around the Town . And today, Gil, we are going to meet a real hero. As Marty reported earlier there was a fire at the Cedar Brook Apartments on East Elm just a few hours ago and the residents here are thanking one very special individual for warning them of the blaze, leading to a safe escape for all. Oh, and here she is, Bonnie Cox. Bonnie?
Bonnie Cox: Oh my God. Am I really on TV? [Looks her up and down] I, I shouldve done something with my hair. I, I didnt exactly have any time today, you know, with the fire and all so.
Michelle Dison: [Staring dreamily] Oh, sorry, where did I go?… No, uh y y your hair looks great. You, you look great [points] . So, so, um So-so Bonnie, how does it feel to uh, to be a hero?
Bonnie Cox: Oh, no, I wouldnt really call myself a hero necessarily.
Michelle Dison: Well Ive been talking to a lot of your neighbors and thats exactly [points] what theyre calling you. Now, Bonnie Im sorry, can I interrupt myself here? Um [Finger point] You. Are. Stunning. [Holds microphone out]
Bonnie Cox: Thank you.
Michelle Dison: Uh your, your face, uh your skin, its like a doll. Youre like a doll, a doll that I would buy. [Giggle] And I dont even buy dolls, but Id want you. No, Im not saying that I want you but if you were a doll I would want a you doll uh for my doll collection, which I would immediately start. [Giggles coyly and holds microphone out]
Bonnie Cox: Um.
Michelle Dison: So, uh Bonnie this, this was a very dangerous fire and you saved a lot of lives today.
Bonnie Cox: Well I just, I reacted like anyone would.
Michelle Dison: No, believe me, you are not like anyone who have reacted would. [Holds microphone out]
Bonnie Cox: Uh, Im sorry, was that a question?
Michelle Dison: Ah [Giggles] Bonnie . [Giggles and points] Hilarious hero alert! And Sexy . [Shrugs and holds microphone out] Uh, uh so-so Bonnie, walk us through uh, what happened the moment you realized the building was on fire.
Bonnie Cox: Um. Okay, well I was getting ready to go to the gym.
Michelle Dison: Of course you were. [Nodding and looking at her body]
Bonnie Cox: And um, I smelled smoke so I ran into my kitchen because I thought it might be coming from my apartment and then I realized that it was coming from the hallway [totally checking her out] um, so I immediately just started pounding on my neighbors doors.
Michelle Dison: That is incredible. You know what else is incredible? [arm swing]..uh incredibly.. host.. close to here where we could go after this [arm swing] uh, is The Old Spaghetti Factory. [Giggles] So thats [Finger point] where we could go um after this. Together. [Holds mic out].
Bonnie Cox: What?
Michelle Dison: Uh, it it its just right down the street and I am starving and you said you like spaghetti, right? [holds mic out]
Bonnie Cox: I dont know whats going on.
Michelle Dison: Youve got it going on! [Giggle and point] . Anyway ..
Gil: [Cut to Gils face eyes back and forth, frozen] Uh, Bonnie, do they have any idea how this fire mightve started?
Bonnie Cox: Um, well I just talked to the fire chief and he said it was most likely due to an electrical fire.
Michelle Dison: I know how it got started [points up]. Uh, I read this somewhere, this is true. Do you know what the leading cause of apartment fires is? Heh, Her Body [points at her]. No what am I, what am I saying?
Bonnie Cox: Um, Im Im gonna go get .
Michelle Dison: Get changed for our spaghetti dinner? Who said that?? Uh, no, its very casual. Um, have you, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory? Uh, I mean you can, you can wear what youre wearing. My ex-husband and I used to go there a lot. Um, have you been to the The Old Spaghetti Factory, Gil?
[Cut to Gils face: blinks in silence]
Michelle Dison: Okay. Uh, Im sorry. That was weird. Like you and I are gonna go to The Old Spaghetti Factory together. Thats crazy. Im sorry I dont know whats got into me I guess, Im hungry, I guess. Um, uh, I guess, so, one more question, if you dont mind, about the fire, um do you, um do you like cruises [swaying like a young girl in a dress]? Bonnie, because I, I heard Carnival Cruise lines they have this package for, for two people. Its quite a deal. Uh, my treat obviously. Gonna be just like The Old Spaghetti Factory would be my.. .
Bonnie Cox: Um, I Im sorry, I hope this doesnt come out sounding mean, but I, I dont know how to ask it any other way: is there something wrong with you?
Michelle Dison: Oh, oh – do you wanna talk about that now instead of at The Old Spaghetti Factory?
Bonnie Cox: Im, no. No, I I Immmmm allergic to spaghetti.
Michelle Dison: Oh, they have chicken.
Bonnie Cox: You, you have been very inappropriate and have made me feel very uncomfortable. And Im gonna leave now. [Totally checks her out as shes walking away]
Michelle Dison: Uh, Gil?
Gil: Yeah, Michelle.
Michelle Dison: So I, I should I should take some more time off?
Gil: Yeah.
Michelle Dison: Okay.
Cat: Mrow. [Cat comes outta no where and mauls her in the face. And then you see the pole they used to make the cat airborne ] Reeeer.
Gil: Well, that was embarrassing. You are welcome youtube. Well be right back.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers …..Will Forte …..Fred Arisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. And here are tonight’s top stories:
Embattled World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz said, Sunday, that he will not resign over the scandal in which he secured a pay raise for his girlfriend. Thats one thing you have to admire about Wolfowitz: hes a total douche.
The French newspaper, Le Monde, said on Sunday that French Secret Service produced nine reports between September 2000 and August 2001 looking at the Al Qaeda threat to the U.S., and knew it planned to hijack an aircraft. Although, not to brag, but, you know, so did we!
Amy Poehler: Sunday is Earth Day. So suck it, Neptune! Yeah, I hate you, Neptune!
Monday’s Boston Marathon was won by Kenyan Robert Cheruiyot, while the Kenyan Marathon was won by American Don Smith.
Hip hop producer Damon Dash is suing his accountant over mishandled tax returns. Apparently, under “Dependents”, he listed “All da shorties in da house.”
Seth Meyers; Woolworth’s has been forced to scarp their line of Will & Kate souveniers, after Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, broke up. This comes as a surprise to many who thought Woolworth’s went out of business a hundred years ago.
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced plans for a lottery that would send its winner into space, in a bid to spread the dream of space travel beyond the super-wealthy — to one other person.
In the wake of his disastrous performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Wednesday, Attoeny General Alberto Gonzalezmaintains that he still won’t resign. Which brings us to our segment, called “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”
[ fade in and out on graphic ]
Really, Alberto Gonzalez? You’re not going to resign? Because you really should resign. During the hearings, you said “I don’t remember” or “I don’t recall” over fifty times. Don’t lawyers need to have good memories? I mean, how do you cite precedent? “Your Honor, may I remind you of the cae of What’s-His-Name and the guy with the hat? I’d rather have the guy from “Momento” as a lawyer. My Commodore-64 has more memory than you, and it runs on bong water. Really.
Amy Poehler: Really. And you say you prepared for this hearing for a month? But you didn’t think to prepare answers for “Why were they fired?” Or: “Who decided they should be fired?” That’s the equivalent of not only getting your name wrong on the SATs, but walking up to the old lady who runs the test and punching her in the face. Really.
Seth Meyers: And, really, Alberto. Even the most ocnservative senators think you should resign. Sam Brownback thinks you should resign, and he’s so conservative he thinks watching “Will & Grace” gives you AIDS. Really.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Really.
Seth Meyers: Really.
Amy Poehler: Really. Really, President Bush? You think it went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales’ testimony was that he didn’t use the word “Nappy,” and he remembered to wear pants.
Seth Meyers: Really. But, Alberto, don’t get too down, because there’s an upside to all of this: by tomorrow, you will forget it ever happened! Really!
Amy Poehler: Really!
Seth Meyers: Really!
Amy Poehler: Huh!
Seth Meyers: Huh!
Amy Poehler: Wow!
[ show graphic ]
Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth and Amy.”
[ return to news desk ]
Amy Poehler: A new trend in New York City is Cuddle Parties. Which are drug- and alcohol-free environments where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, and touch. Some of you may know these parties by their original name: The Subway.
It was reported that New York mayor Mike Bloomberg is considering the controversial idea of congestion pricing, which involves charging motorists for entering the most heavily-trafficked parts of the city. Specifically: muh pants!
[ Amy and Seth high-five one another ]
Seth Meyers: A New York City planning subcommittee has opposed a permit for the annual San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy, saying the street fair is to raucous and an inconvenience for residents. [ touches his ear ] This just in: The New York City Planning Subcommittee is missing.
Christie’s Auction House has sold a prehistoric mammoth skeleton for a record $421,000. The buyer? You guesed it: Bartholemew, the world’s richest dog.
Amy Poehler: A Japanese man was sentenced to twenty-one months in jail for smuggling rare butterflies in the U.S. Though, if he’s smart, he’ll come up with a better story for his cellmate.
Officials say they grew suspicious after they noticed the man farting colors.
A new fragrance will launch this summer called Coney Island. It will have a combination of smells, including margarita mix, chocolate and caramel, hot dogs, fish, egg shells, needles, Russia, Stephon Marbury, the bearded lady, and murder.
Seth Meyers: NBC and “Law & Order” producer Dick Wolf are in negotiations to cut costs for the long-running series, to justify keeping the show on the air another season. As a result, next season the show will just be called “Law.” [ the “Law & Order” transition sound effect plays ]
This week, doctors in New York used a new surgical technique to remove a woman’s glal bladder through her vagina. The woman was gracious to the doctor for the surgery, but did want to point out she’d only gone in for a flu shot.
Amy Poehler: As I mentioned earlier, tomorrow is Earth Day, a time to focus on things everyone can do to help the planet. Here with some suggestions, is our own Will Forte.
Will Forte: I’m a hige supporter of the environment, but even I do small things every day, without even noticing, that hurt the planet. And, so, tonight I thought I’d like to apologize to Mother Earth and promise her that I will try to do a better job. Uh, so I’ve written a song, uh — Fred? Some help, please? [ Fred Armisen, holding a guitar, appears next to Will ] Fred’s gonna play the guitar. Uh, this song is called “An Open Apology to Mother Earth.”
[ Fred strums the guitar, as Will sings: ]
“I admit I have not been recycling In fact, I’ve been openly encouraging people to be wasteful. I often go to other people’s recycling bins and throw them into the regular trash.
I own thirty stretch-limosine Hummers And I keep them all running, even when I am sleeping. And I always dump my unused paint directly into the ocean.
And I’m truly sorry, because —
Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet! Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet! Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful planet! I’m gonna be a better boyfriend to you!
I thought car pools were for pussies And satiable energy was for jerk-offs. Organics farmers can eat my synthetic panties And baby seals can go straight to hell.
Now, as for “An Inconvenient Truth” I thought that that was a veritable movie suck fest. And a much more representative look at our planet Can be seen in the John Travolta masterpiece, “Battlefield Earth.”
“Battlefield Earth”, you’re a wonderful, wonderful movie “Battlefield Earth”, you’re a wonderful, wonderful movie “Battlefield Earth”, you’re a wonderful, wonderful movie And I think Im going to rent you tonight Oh, tonight! Tonight! Ohhh, tonight! Cmon, tonight! Tonight!”
[ spoken ] Look, you want to fix this? Here’s what we do, okay? I want everyone — you in the audience, and the over 200 million people watching at home! You go out, and rent “Battlefield Earth” toooo-ni-i-i-ight! Tonight! And then, throw it into the trash! And when all the landfills all over the world are overflowing with copies of “Battlefield Earth”, somebody, somewhere, will be forced to do something about it! See, we’ve done it! The world is healed! But don’t do it for me. Do it for:
[ resumes singing ]
“Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet! Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet! Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet! With the world’s help, we will save you tonight!”
[ Will starts to break out into a second song, but Amy interrupts ]
Amy Poehler: Okay, okay, okay! Will Forte. That’s good enough. Only one song tonight, one song tonight.
Will Forte: [ resumes singing his first song: ]”Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet! Earth, you’re a wonderful, wonderful planet –!”
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ image of Andy Samberg standing before a brick wall zooms forward ]
Andy Samberg: [ rapping ] “Did you notice there’s over a million people in the world? There’s over a million in New York alone! But the only one I’m into — is my brother-in-law, Roy!”
[ quick pan to a bored-looking guy sitting on a couch, as 80’s heavy-metal font spins onto the screen: “Roy Rules!” ]
Andy Samberg: [ rapping ] “Roy Rules!”
[ Andy points to his sister ] “He’s married to my sister!” [ Andy points to roy and niece watching cartoons ] “He wakes up in the morning, watching “Dora” with my niece!” [ Roy eats a banana ] “And then macks on ba-na-nas!”
[ Andy peeks into the bathroom, as Roy shuts the door ] “Roy Rules!!”
[ Roy runs on treadmil ] “He works out in the morn-ing!” [ Roy does crunches on the floor ] “He runs in the park, and he does a bunch of crunch-es, so he’s got a kill-er bod-ay!”
Andy Samberg: [ spoken ] “I’m so glad my sister married Roy! He gets along great with the entire family! He’s hard-working, he’s great with kids — Oh, and also? I want to have SEX with Roy!”
“Roy Rules!”
“I’d really like to taste him! We’ll take off our pants, and wail on each other, Throw his marriage license in the waste bin!”
Andy Samberg: [ spoken ] “Now, don’t get me wrong — I’m not into Roy sexually. He’s my sister’s husband! Still, though — if me and Roy did hook up, it would be a 24/7/69!”
“Roy Rules!!”
[ Andy stands next to Roy’s cubicle ] “He works in an off-ice!
I’ve got this theory, he was put on this Earth, ta give men succulent rubb downz!”
[ Andy on keyboard ] “Roy, won’t you go.. with.. me..??”
“Roy Rules!!”
“He loves wearing T-shirts! But in my dreams, he’s dressed like a pirate, and my DONG is his PEG LEG!”
Andy Samberg: So, there you have it — a song about my real-life brother-in-law, Roy. Just so you know, the dude in this video wasn’t the actual Roy. [ photo insert appears ] This is the actual Roy! So I think you see where I’m coming from. Oh, and, Roy? Next time I see you, don’t be all weird about this. You KNEW what you were getting into! Peace!
Air Date:
