Brandon… Beck Bennett
Chad… Pete Davidson
Sylvia… Cecily Strong
Cecil… Kate McKinnon
Patty… Aidy Bryant
Peg… Saoirse Ronan
John McEnroe[Starts with Mikey hosting an auction. Brandon is standing with Mikey on the stage.]
Mikey: Going once. Going twice. Whoa, sold for a whopping $1,600. Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six. You have won breakfast in a private tennis lesson with our head instructor Brandon.
Brandon: Heads up. I’m gonna make you sweat.
Melissa: At breakfast?
Brandon: No. The tennis lesson.
Mikey: Okay. You two, go see Dana to set that date. $1,600 is the biggest take so far in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club bachelor auction. Remember, all proceeds from tonight go to our club youth traveling team. So, keep those bids coming. Our next tennis club bachelor works at the club pro shop. It’s Chad. [Chad walks in] You may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot. You’re bidding on a lunch with Chad. So, we’ll start the bidding at, I don’t know, fifty bucks. Sounds good, Chad?
Mikey: Alright. Do I hear fifty?[Cut to the ladies]
Sylvia: Oh my god. There is something about that boy. $fifty.
Leslie: 1,000.[Cut to Mikey and Chad]
Mikey: Wow, Chad’s a hit. Anything to keep those bids coming, man? You got any hidden talents, Chad?
Chad: Um, I made up the dance called ‘Doink Doink’.
Mikey: Alright, let’s see it.
Chad: Okay. [starts dancing] Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink.[Cut to the ladies]
Sylvia: Oh my god. The Doink Doink is amazing.
Peg: Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia.
Sylvia: Oh, typical Cecil. Jump in the action’s hot.
Peg: $10,000, and I’ll raise myself to 15. I must have the Doink Doink.
Patty: Go home, ladies. Patty has come to play. Damn $30,000.
Peg: $50,000. And that’s a bargain.
Cecil: Look, I am willing to go to six figures, but I need more. What else does Chad bring to the table?[Cut to Mikey and Chad]
Mikey: [to Chad] Um, any other talents, Chad?
Chad: Um, I could do an impression of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.[Cut to the ladies]
Sylvia: Oh, Jesus, this place is going to explode.
Peg: $100,000. I don’t even need to hear it.
Cecil: What if it’s not good?
Sylvia: Of course, it will be good. It’s Chad, you cow!
Peg: Just shut up, all of you. Let Chad work.[Cut to Mikey and Chad.]
Chad: Okay. Um, this is when he’s talking to his dog. [doing Jim Carry’s Grinch impression] Tomorrow’s Christmas. It’s practically here.[Cut to the ladies. All of them stand.]
All ladies: $500,000.
Peg: $600,000. That sounded exactly like the Grinch.
Leslie: $700,000, and I didn’t even see the Grinch.[Cut to Mikey and Chad]
Mikey: I feel like I’m in the upside down right now. Chad’s Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.
Chad: Oh, um, I can do a magic trick.[Cut to the ladies]
Peg: It’s pointless ladies. There’s a reason you call me “Richy Bitch” behind my back. I get what I want.
Sylvia: Oh, quiet, Peg. Look.[Chad is doing a stupid trick.] [Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: $10 million.[Cut to Mikey and Chad]
Mikey: Ten million, going once, twice, sold to the mystery man in the fun coat. Um, who are you, sir?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: It doesn’t matter. What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine. Have the boy cleaned and take him to my lodge.[Kenan walks out] [Cut to Mikey and Chad]
Mikey: Sounds kind of creepy. Are you cool with that Chad?
Mikey: Okay. Big hand for Chad. [Chad leaves] Alright, Chad. Alright, on to our big ticket item, we pulled a lot of strings to get him here. Get your check books ready for our next bachelor. Tennis legend, John McEnroe.[John McEnroe walks in]
Tell us, what are they bidding on, Mr McEnroe?
John McEnroe: Alright. I’m offering a weekend stay at my stay, a.k.a. the Mac Shack. It includes a three hours tennis lesson from your’s truly, a mixed double’s match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. And of course, unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.
Mikey: Whoa. Okay. The bad boy of tennis. Ladies, start that bidding.[Cut to the ladies. They don’t look interested.]
John McEnroe: What? You gotta be kidding me. [yelling] I’m John McEnroe, man! What do you ladies want? You can bring Chad along. Is this what you want? [starts dancing like Chad] Doink Doink?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: $20 million.[Cut to Mikey and John McEnroe]
John McEnroe: Now that is more like it.
Mikey: Sold! $20 million.