Howard… Beck Bennett
Janet Charmpagne… Banessa Bayer
Brock Tenderson… Dwayne Johnson
Operator… Mikey Day
Sound Guy… Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with some actors getting ready for filming in RKO Studios, 1948.]
Howard: Everyone, quiet on set. Alright, our stars have arrived. And we’re ready to shoot this thing. We are very lucky to have two of today’s biggest talents, Hollywood icon Janet Charmpagne and up-and-comer Brock Tenderson
Brock Tenderson: Ah, thank you, Howard. I’m very excited.
Janet Charmpagne: Yes, Howard. Thank you. What a treat. I missed RKO pictures almost as mush as I miss the three-bean salad in the commissary.
Howard: Hmm, alrighty! We’re starting with scene eight, everyone. Let’s go.
Brock Tenderson: You know, Janet, before we begin, I just wanna tell you that, um, to work with you is a dream for me.
Janet Charmpagne: Oh, please. Treat me like a normal woman you would meet on the street. Deal?
Brock Tenderson: Deal.
Howard: Alright. Let’s try one.
[Operator walks in with a clapperboard]
Operator: ‘Murder by numbers.’ Scene eight. Take on.
Howard: And, action.
[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson are acting]
Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband’s trying to kill me.
Brock Tenderson: Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep.
Janet Charmpagne: No. You don’t understand. He wants me dead. Please. I don’t know who he is anymore. Please, just let me stay here with you. [Janet Charmpagne farts] Um, I’m sorry. I think I need to cut. I made a mistake.
Howard: Um, what was that, Janet?
Brock Tenderson: Um, I think she would like to cut.
Janet Charmpagne: Because I made a mistake. Did sound hear it? The mistake I made?
[The sound guy is nodding his head yes]
Let’s do it again. I am so sorry.
Brock Tenderson: Oh, well. I’m so thrilled to be here with you in this scene.
Janet Charmpagne: Oh, good attitude. How wonderful is this man? This is going to be a good movie. Let’s do another one.
Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight.
Howard: And action!
[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]
Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? [farts] My husband is trying to kill me. [farts] [walks to Janet Charmpagne] [whispering] Okay, just say your line.
Brock Tenderson: Okay. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being comple– [Janet Charmpagne farts] completely hysterical. Go home to your husband and get some sleep. [Janet Charmpagne farts]
Janet Charmpagne: I’m going to stop because I think I did too many mistakes in a row. I’m so sorry.
Brock Tenderson: You know, don’t say another word. I’m just happy to be here, breathing the same air as the Janet Charmpagne.
Janet Charmpagne: Oh! You’re sweet.
Howard: Are you ready to try again?
Janet Charmpagne: We are. And good news, I don’t think there will be any more mistakes. I think I’m out of them.
Brock Tenderson: Ah! Well, if that’s the case, I think this is going to be the one. [Janet Charmpagne farts]
Janet Charmpagne: You’re a very classy man.
Brock Tenderson: And you are a one of a kind, shining star.
Janet Charmpagne: Then let’s make history. [Janet Charmpagne farts]
Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight, take three.
Howard: And action.
[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]
Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband is trying to kill me. [whispering] I’m doing it.
Brock Tenderson: Thanks. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep! [whispering] Oh my god! Well done.
Janet Charmpagne: I know. I’m controlling it. Please, I don’t know who he is anymore. Just let me stay here with you. Just or tonight. [Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson kiss]
Sound guy: Yep, no farts at all.
Howard: This is great.
Brock Tenderson: This is a start of something very dangerous.
Janet Charmpagne: [laughing] You’re telling me. [as Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson hug each other, Janet Charmpagne farts very long]
Howard: Cut!
Brock Tenderson: I’m sorry, Howard. That was me. That was my brand.
Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop it Brock. Taking the fall for my long mistake.
Brock Tenderson: Hey, as long as you’re a star, you make them as long as you want.
Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop being so marvelous all the time. Where did we find him? Are there more– [Janet Charmpagne farts] of him?
Sound guy: Are we on break? Because I could really use a cigarette.
[Sound guy pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. He’s about to light the cigarette]
Howard: Richie, no! Don’t!
[When the sound guy lights the fire, the studio explodes by the fart gas]