Weekend Update on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February 2018 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the start of, “Okay, but what about white history month?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Super Bowl logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, the New England Patriots will face the Philadelphia Eagles on Super Bowl 52. So whether you’re Pats fan or Eagles fan, remember, child support was due on the first.

[Picture changes to the movie “The Passion of the Christ”.]

It was reported that a sequel is in the works for the Mel Gibson movie “The Passion of the Christ.” So, get ready to see, “I still know what Jews did last summer.” You know, I refuse to see another “Passion of the Christ” movie unless Jesus has a line, “You crossed the wrong guy.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South African flag and a tap at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing]

Colin Jost: Nailed it!

Michael Che: No. [cheers and applause] Experts are saying that Cape Town, South Africa will completely run out of water on April 12. Meanwhile in the rest of the world, [Cut to a video of a mouse taking bath using soap.] [Cut to Michael Che] It’s pretty insane that a major city is about to completely run out of water in like, two months and I’m just now hearing about this. This is kind of embarrassing. I feel like I should care more about Africa. Kind of like when you run into an old friend and ask, “Hey, how’s your kid?” And she’s like, “Che, he’s your son too.”

Weekend Update Dr. Angie Hynes on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Dr. Angie Hynes… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, today marks the first day of black history month and here to highlight some lesser known historical figures is professor of African-American studies at Rutger University, Dr. Angie Hynes.

[Dr. Angie Hynes slides in]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Alright! Hello. Hello. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. It is such an honor.

Colin Jost: Black history month, and it’s pretty cool. It’s a leap year. So, we get one more day to celebrate.

Dr. Angie Hynes: [looking at Colin Jost with anger] Yeah, we do. [Michael Che is laughing]

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Now, when we think about black history month, we usually think of the big ones. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou. But how many of you know about Cynthia Woods? [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost] Any idea what she did, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t think I’m familiar.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Cynthia is a bitch I thought was my friend till she showed up at my wedding wearing all white. Even I felt bad about wearing white. But that bitch ain’t have no qualms.


[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what does she have to do with black history month?

Dr. Angie Hynes: She is black, and she is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I’m divorced now, but if I see you, Cynthia, i hope you’re still wearing white, coz I’ma introduce yo ass to god.

Now, we all know Malcolm X, but how much do y’all know about Malcolm G? Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. I don’t know him. Is he a public figure?

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Malcom G is a fool I work with who airdroped a d pic to me in public. Now, you might be asking how is he relevant to black history month?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it because he is black?

Dr. Angie Hynes: And he is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] And Malcolm G, thank you for helping me finally quit that job, you unhung hero.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Dr. Hynes I was expecting you to tell us about people who were a little more well-known.

Dr. Angie Hynes: Oh, you want well known? Well, look at this well known ho.

[Dr. Angie Hynes’s picture appear in the screen]

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s you.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, racist. It’s my twin sister. Come on now. Her name is Angel Hynes, but she ain’t nothing but a devil. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Colin, I had a dream that she slept with my husband. and that’s all I needed to know. You know how they say black lives matter? Here’s one black ass life that don’t matter. And you know what she is now Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: History?

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, her story. Meaning her dead to me. And, look at this idget.

[Cut to picture of duane reade]

Colin Jost: Okay, now that seems to be a picture of duane reade?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah, duane reade, like walgreens.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what did they do to you at duane reade?

Dr. Angie Hynes: You know what? Thank you for asking. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I was shopping for none of your damn business. And one of the cashiers said, “Ma’am, your daughter can’t record tiktoks in here” and then pointed at a Colin Jost4-year-old. That’s not my daughter. Bitch, how old do you think I am?” You know the duane reade at 43rd and 8th locks up the lotion? The fa duane? What kind of negro jails the lotion? Duane reade, you black and you history. CBS, welcome to the cookout baby.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And you’re a professor?

Dr. Angie Hynes: On the weekdays. It’s Saturday, so I get it in.

Colin Jost: Angie Hynes, everyone!

Dr. Angie Hynes: Why do we got to have the shortest month?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.