Tag: Destroy

Please Don’t Destroy – Calling Angie

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers of SNL in their office room]

Ben: I’m sorry you and Angie broke up but are you gonna sit here sulking or are you going to call her?

John: I’m not calling her guys.

Martin: Why not?

John: Because if I was her, I wouldn’t take me back either. [sad music playing] I was really a jerk to her. I was selfish and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and lost her.

Martin: John, that was beautiful. Just tell her that.

Ben: Yeah, man. She would really appreciate hearing that. Just give her a call buddy. Tell her what she told us.

[John calls Angie]

Angie: Hello.

John: Hey, Ange. It’s me. Yeah, it’s John. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Martin: What?

Ben: No! Why are you saying that?

Martin: Stop.

John: What am I doing, dude? I’m freaking out.

Martin: Say what you said earlier.

Ben: Say something else.

Martin: The being vulnerable thing.

John: Go fuck yourself. I never liked you in the first place, girly.

Ben: What did she say?

John: You got to bail me out.

Ben: You want me to talk to her?

John: Bail me out. Talk to her. Talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Ben: Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna– Fuck you.

Martin: No! Oh my god.

Ben: Fuck you, loser.

John: No!

Ben: Am I doing it too?

John: Yes.

Ben: I hate all of what you’re working with. What is going on?

John: Get off the phone.

Martin: Angie, I don’t know what’s going on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

Ben: Come on, man!

John: It’s my ex girlfriend. Give me the phone. Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Martin: Oh, dude. It’s on mute. [unmutes] Fuck you, bitch.

Martin: Why are we so off today?

John: Ange?

[hangs up]

She hung up on me.

Ben: Are you serious?

Martin: Very mature.

John: Blew it again with the love of my life.

Martin: Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Ben: Just like I blew Stevie. Every time we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.” She did not like that.

John: But Angie wasn’t like your ugly girlfriends. She was just warm as a summer night. As sweet as the song. She was– [phone ringing] Oh my god, she’s on her way up.

[Angie barges in]

Angie: You mother[bleep].

All: Angie.

[Angie smashes John’s head on the table]

Please Don’t Destroy – Rami Wants a Treat

Rami Malek

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers just chatting in their office on Thursday night]

Ben Marshall: One of them is like, a horse.

John Higgins: Um, it can be fun.

[door knocking]

[Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Hey, you guys ready to meet with Rami?

Ben Marshall: Yeah, send him in. Totally.

Rami Malek: What’s up, fellas?

Ben Marshall: Have a seat.

Martin Herlihy: Pretty good.

John Higgins: Hey, buddy. How’s it going?

Rami Malek: Good. How you doing?

Ben Marshall: Good. Good. First time hosting SNL. How’s it going?

Martin Herlihy: Exciting, right?

Rami Malek: I’m almost through the first week.

John Higgins: Yeah.

Rami Malek: And the whole time, I feel like I’ve been on good behavior.

John Higgins: Yeah, dude. You’ve been killing it.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah.

Rami Malek: So, it feels like I deserve a treat.

[Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are confused]

Martin Herlihy: Um, what’s that?

Rami Malek: A treat, for being on good behavior. You know, like a cookie or a toy.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah.

Rami Malek: It just feels like, if there’s no reward, I mean, why should I be on good behavior at all? [looks deadly at Ben Marshall]

John Higgins: Um, that’s a good question.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah. How about my mousepad?

John Higgins: Ben’s Mouse pad. It can be fun, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah. I’ll put that in my house.

John Higgins: Yeah. Hey, we have this idea for you–

Rami Malek: I’d like another treat.

Martin Herlihy: Man, I don’t know if we have more treats for you.

John Higgins: Seriously, dude.

Rami Malek: Fine. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just be on bad behavior.

[Rami Malek knocks a drink off of their table]

Ben Marshall: What?

Martin Herlihy: Are you kidding me, Mr. Robot?

John Higgins: Come on, man.

[Rami Malek is pointing at a Redbull can]

Ben Marshall: Rami, no. no.

[Rami Malek knocks the can off the table]

John Higgins: Oh my god.

[Rami Malek opens the fridge]

Ben Marshall: Don’t go in the fridge.

Rami Malek: Is this your food?

John Higgins: Do not touch that tortellini–

[Rami Malek throws the sandwich into garbage can]

Martin Herlihy: Oh my god.

Rami Malek: I want more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Uh-uh, Rami.

[Rami Malek just starts throwing everything into the garbage can]

John Higgins: I could hit him.

Martin Herlihy: You promised never.

Rami Malek: A song can be a treat.

Martin Herlihy: A song?

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy: [singing] I know when that hotline bling
that can only mean one thing

[Rami Malek starts vandalizing the place]

John Higgins: Rami, I’m going to freak out. No!

Martin Herlihy: Be careful, do not touch the roof.

Rami Malek: Give me more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, sure. I’ll give you a treat. [pulls out a gun] I’ll give you a one way trip to hell.

Ben Marshall: Martin, no.

Martin Herlihy: No, I’m thinking about it. I’m honestly thinking about it.

[Rami Malek is staring at a laptop]

John Higgins: No! No! No!

[Rami Malek is ready to throw the laptop]

Ben Marshall: Why are you acting like this?

Rami Malek: Because I’m scared. SLN is almost over. And after this, I’m gonna have to go out into the real world .

Martin Herlihy: Rami, sweetheart, you’re gonna do great.

Rami Malek: But I’m really gonna miss you guys.

John Higgins: You’re gonna make so many new friends.

Ben Marshall: And we’ll still be here for you. So, what do you say you just–

[Rami Malek hits the laptop on the table and storms out]

John Higgins: Oh come on! Man!

Martin Herlihy: I should have shot him.

Please Dont Destroy

Ben Marshall

Martin Herlihy

John Higgins

[Starts with Martin Herlihy and John Higgins at SNL office in SNL writing night.]

[rock music playing]

Martin Herlihy: Oh, I’m gonna have a drink.

John Higgins: Yes, sir. Watcha sipping on?

Martin Herlihy: Probably just a hard seltzer.

John Higgins: Nice. What kind?

Martin Herlihy: Just a JC Penny.

[John Higgins is surprised]

John Higgins: The department store?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, they’re doing hard seltzers now.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. Ever since White Claw blew up, everyone’s doing them. Bud LIght, Corona, JC Penny.

John Higgins: Don’t they just make clothes?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, I don’t know, man. Okay? I’m not in the board of the company. This is just a thing that I like. [takes a sip]

John Higgins: What flavor is it? [pulls out a can from the pack and reads] Men’s jackets?

Martin Herlihy: It’s not all men’s jackets. It’s a variety pack. I’m sippin’ on belts and ties.

John Higgins: Does it taste like belts and ties?

Martin Herlihy: No, it tastes like grape. You stupid?

Ben Marshall: Ben in the house.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, Ben man.

Ben Marshall: Oh, you drinking JCPs?

Martin Herlihy: You know it!

John Higgins: You know about this?

Ben Marshall: Got some seltzers myself.

John Higgins: Jiffy Lube?

Ben Marshall: Lube it up. Cheers man. Good to see you.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Martin Herlihy: Come on! Everyone’s doing it. JC Penny, Jiffy Lube.

Ben Marshall: Exxon, Verizon.

Martin Herlihy: Dr. Riccardi.

John Higgins: Who?

Martin Herlihy: My dentist. [shows him a can of seltzer with his dentist’s photo on it]

Ben Marshall: That one’s actually really good.

John Higgins: I don’t understand why you like these.

Ben Marshall: You don’t have to understand everything, John.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, like, we don’t understand what you see in your girlfriend.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: We don’t get angry.

Ben Marshall: No, we don’t yell at you.

Martin Herlihy: No.

John Higgins: Am I awake?

Ben Marshall: I also got the summer variety pack.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, nice. This is awesome.

Ben Marshall: That’s for everybody. And John, if you want one, take one.

[Martin Herlihy pours a belt buckle in his mouth while drinking the seltzer.]

Martin Herlihy: Oh! I hate it when these get in there.

Ben Marshall: A belt buckle?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. JC Penny ones, sometimes they get in there.

John Higgins: Stop slurping like that.

Ben Marshall: Just chill out. Oh, who is this impression of? [mocking] Oh, I’m John.

Martin Herlihy: John.

John Higgins: Me.

Ben Marshall: Yeah, it’s John.

John Higgins: Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Does the [bleep] desk have one?

Martin Herlihy: I don’t know. Really not.

Ben Marshall: I don’t know.

[John Higgins pulls out a can of seltzer out of desk. It’s written ‘DESK’ on it.]

Martin Herlihy: Okay, so yeah. The desk has one.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Ben Marshall: Try one!

John Higgins: Fine!

[John Higgins opens the can and drinks the seltzer.]

That’s pretty goo. Oh my god!

Ben Marshall: Cheers!

Martin Herlihy: Cheers, brother!

John Higgins: I was wrong.

Male voice: DESK Hard Seltzer, it’s in the desk.