Weekend Update- Dilbert on Scott Adams’ Racist Rant

Dilbert… Michael Longfellow

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip Dilbert after its creator Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. Off the record, he’s got a point. Here to comment- That’s what the card says. Here to comment is Dilbert.

[Dilbert slides in] [cheers and applause]

Dilbert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Dilbert. So had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before?

Dilbert: Michael, I think I can speak for myself and the entire all white staff at the Dilbert offices when I say this was a total shock. I mean, most cartoonists are weird, but racist weird? Let’s just say I didn’t see that memo. Right? Memos? Work is boring, but it can be- It can be funny too. That’s kind of my thing.

Michael Che: So you just thought Scott was weird?

Dilbert: No, I knew he was bad. He made me go into the office every single day during COVID and he knows I’m auto immune.

Michael Che: You’re auto immune?

Dilbert: Do I look like somebody who’s not auto immune? Yes, I’m a real athlete. My hair is skin, Michael.

Michael Che: Your hair skin?

Dilbert: Yes. I cannot stress this enough. My hair is entirely skin. And it has been the great tragedy of my life.

Michael Che: I’m very sorry.

Dilbert: No, I’m sorry, Michael, for racism. Maybe I was just blind to it. I mean, my glasses are literally opaque white. But to me, he was just Scott, the funny guy. The Trump supporting cartoonist who did magic in his spare time, had a great Kevin Hart impression.

Michael Che: Well, that sounds like a racist to me.

Dilbert: Well, it turns out he was a racist. And I’m his prize creation. I mean, what does that make me? I wanted answers. So I took a god forbid personal day and really started to dig in on the concept of what is work, right? Reading Karl Marx, Stokely Carmichael, lots of the black radicals.

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert:  And I realized something. Even mundane work serves to uphold a capitalist system built to maintain a racial hierarchy. But that’s all about to change. Race war’s coming. You ready, Michael?

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert: Are you ready because Dilbert is ready. I woke up this morning ready to take the streets and paint the city with a blood of the white man.

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty intense, man.

Dilbert: Yeah, I had a cup of coffee. And Michael, like I always say, “Don’t even talk to me before my coffee.”

Michael Che: Dilbert, everybody.

Dilbert: This could have been an email.