Pat… JJ Watt
Hannah T… Cecily Strong
Hannah V… Heidi Gardner
Hannah Bad… Aidy Bryant
Kate McKinnon
Melissa Villaseñor
Ego Nwodim
Chloe Fineman
[Starts with Pilot Hunk intro]
Male voice: He’s a big boy pilots with 30 sobbing Hannahs to choose from. Tune in to watch him deep kiss the white girl and high five the black girls. This season on “pilot hunk.”
[Cut to Pat]
Pat: Hi, I’m Pat and I make the plane hurry up. I’m a sky boy looking for my fly girl. Let’s bachelor.
[Cut to Pat and Hannah T]
Hannah T: Mmm, I like this.
Pat: Tell me something about yourself.
Hannah T: I’m Hannah T. I’m 22, and my job is pharma-cute-ical. I sell medicals to the women.
Pat: Oh, I love that. Am I detecting an accent?
Hannah T: Yeah. I’m Jen.
[Hannah V walks in]
Hannah V: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah T leaves] Mm, I like this.
Pat: Tell me something about you.
Hannah V: I am Hannah V. I am 20/30 years old. And I am not cross eyed but that’s the vibe.
Pat: Ha-ha, I love that.
Hannah V: I had so much fun on the lube taste test. I’m a lawyer by the way.
[Hannah Bad walks in]
Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah V leaves] Mm, I like this.
Pat: Tell me something about you.
Hannah Bad: Well, I’m Hannah Bad. And I’m brutally fragile at home. So, here, it’s absolutely the wheels are coming off.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.
Hannah Bad: I know the girls told you rumor about me and it is true. I have brown hair. But you should also know that my mouth is a vacuum hoe. Like, [inhales]
[Kate walks in]
Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah Bad leaves] I like this.
Pat: Ha-ha. Are you excited for our trip?
Kate: Yes, I can’t wait to go to Thailand and scream about how the food is gross in front of the woman how cooked it.
Pat: Ha-ha. Different food is gross.
Kate: Actually, I have something for you. I wrote you a letter. It’s a T. I also know a couple of others but I’m gonna play hard to get.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.
[Melissa walks in]
Melissa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] Mm, I like this.
Pat: Tell me something about you.
Melissa: Watching you play soccer with poor kids made me so horny.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.
Melissa: Also, it’s my birthday today. I turned 30.
Pat: Oh, happy 30th birthday. [calling guards] Guards!
[The guards take Melissa away]
[Ego walks in]
Ego: Mm, I like this.
Pat: Hey, you.
Ego: You don’t seem surprised to see me. I died last episode.
Pat: Oh, right. What happened?
Ego: I drowned in the shower coz I looked up with my mouth open. They said I could come back if I got alive again. So, I did.
Pat: Thanks for being vulnerable.
[Chloe walks in]
Chloe: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Ego leaves]
Pat: Whoa, another one?
Chloe: Something you should know is that family is really important to me. There’s someone I want you to meet.
[Chloe turns around. There’s a face on her back.]
It’s my twin. She’s the fun one.
Pat: Nice! A threesome.
[Kate walks in]
Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Chloe leaves]
Pat: Wow, your eyes are peeing. What’s wrong?
Kate: [sobbing] Being here is so hard for me because I’m like, really shy. Like, I was blushing so hard at the thong fashion show, I can’t believe I won.
Pat: Oh, yeah. You got a Martial’s gift card.
[Hannah Bad walks in]
Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] [sobbing] I’m having a really hard time because the producers, they confiscated my vitains and they gave me a knife.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.
Hannah Bad: I want you to know that I’m not just a party girl. I could also be a wife life, watch me drink champagne.
[Hannah Bad pops a bottle of champagne and pours it all over her breasts.]
Pat: Whoa! I think I’m ready to propose… that you leave.
[Kate walks in]
Kate: Sorry, can I steal? [Hannah Bad leaves] I love dancing to country singers. Chance to be with you today. Um, but I have to tell you something. Um, he and I dated. Are you mad?
Pat: No, I love that.
Kate: That’s not all. I’ve also date most of the cameramen. Are you mad?
Pat: No, I love that.
Kate: I’m dating a lot of the girls in the house too.
Pat: Whoa, that’s pretty hot.
Kate: Also, one more thing. I looked it up and I make more money than you.
Pat: You know what? Let me walk you out.
[The End]