Tag: Herschel Walker

Herschel Walker Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

John Cornyn… Mikey Day

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn having a meeting]

Mitch McConnell: Well Senator, Republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday.

John Cornyn: I know. Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy.

Marsha Blackburn: Did you see it? It was like a comedy central roast up there.

Mitch McConnell: I figured guy could use some help. Send him in. Herschel Walker!

[Herschel Walker walks in]

Herschel Walker: Hey there. Mitch McDonald’s. I’m sorry I’m late. I was having too much fun in a free merry go round y’all got out front.

Mitch: That’s a revolving door, Herschel. Have a seat.

John Cornyn: Great job on your campaign. Hershel.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes, excellent.

Mitch McConnell: You remember, former majority whip Senator John Cornyn?

Herschel Walker: No.

Mitch McConnell: Of course, Marsha Blackburn. senator from Tennessee.

Herschel Walker: Oh, Your Highness.

Mkey: Well, Herschel, the midterms wasn’t the red wave we hoped for but we think you can win this Tuesday.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes. The priority now is to get out the vote because you got this big runoff coming up.

Herschel Walker: Oh, well, I’m good at those. My ex wife said all I do is run off.

John Cornyn: No, Herschel, the Georgia run off. The polls show it’s very close.

Herschel Walker: Oh, how close?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, so close, Herschel. Warnock is polling at 50.9%. You are polling at 49.1.

Herschel Walker: Well, then the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger.

Mitch McConnell: Well, the election is this Tuesday, they’ve already started counting votes by mail.

Herschel Walker: Right. But you gotta remember, they still got to count votes by female.

John Cornyn: Sure, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Herschel. We could really use a win right now.

Herschel Walker: Well, you can count on me. I came to two S and kicked bubble gum, and I’m all out a gubble bum.

Mitch McConnell: There’s already three days left. We want to be really careful. And you’ve had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch?

Herschel Walker: What do you mean?

Marsha Blackburn: Like bad things from your past that maybe people don’t know yet?

Herschel Walker: Oh, yes, definitely. Yes. So many.

Marsha Blackburn: Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them?

Herschel Walker: Let me see, where do I start? Okay, so there’s this pretty lady that works at the McDonald’s. Right? So I went down there… [the clock’s shows one hour has passed] Anyway, she didn’t want to keep it so I drove it down to the planned Parent Trap.

Marsha Blackburn: Wow, that’s a lot.

Mitch McConnell: I’m gonna be honest. For sure. This might be tough.

Herschel Walker: Oh, don’t worry. I’m feeling very confident about this erection.

John Cornyn: Don’t you mean election?

Herschel Walker: I do not.

Marsha Blackburn: Maybe in the final push, let’s lay low and focus on the message.

Herschel Walker: Exactly. Just like Kanye.

Marsha Blackburn: No, no. On the issues people care about. Inflation, crime…

Herschel Walker: Vampires, werewolves. They’re scary little GEICO Gecko. We’re gonna be looking into all of that.

Marsha Blackburn: Right? So maybe less of that. Or even better, none of that.

Herschel Walker: Really? Because that’s like 90% of my next speech.

Mitch McConnell: Right. Herschel, can we have a moment alone?

Herschel Walker: Oh, sure. You can toss a blanket right over me and I fall asleep like a parakeet.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay. Well, that sounds great. [Marsha Blackburn puts a blanket on Herschel Walker] Night, night.

[Herschel Walker is snoring]

John Cornyn: Well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Herschel Walker?

Marsha Blackburn: Yeah, so plan B.

Mitch McConnell: I don’t think we have no choice.

[Marsha Blackburn pulls out the blanket]

Herschel Walker: [talking in sleep] Come on, girl. Don’t take that name for no Big Mac. [wakes up] Oh, I’m sorry.

Mitch McConnell: Hershel, get up. I’m gonna show you something very exciting.

Herschel Walker: Oh, yeah, sure.

Mitch McConnell: Why don’t you take a look up in there?

[Mitch McConnell opens a hugs door size safe]

Herschel Walker: Oh, wow. Look, there’s a little room.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. It used to be my panic room. Now. It’s all yours just till Election Day.

Herschel Walker: Well, wait, why am I already in there?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, that’s a mirror Herschel. Go on ahead. We got everything you need in there. Get in there.

Herschel Walker: Look at that. They got Lunchables in here and everything.

[Herschel Walker walks in and Mitch McConnell shuts the door]

Mitch McConnell: it’s only for a few days. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

PBS NewsHourRepublican Momentum Cold Open

Judy Woodruff…Heidi Gardner

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Oz…Mikey Day

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to 1 in her set]

Judy Woodruff: Good evening. I’m Judy Woodruff. And this is the PBS News Hour. We’re what’s your grandma’s talking about when she says “I saw this on the news.” With the midterms less than two weeks away, republicans appear to be surging with a strong closing message from candidates who have gone from underdogs to stars of the Republican Party. But how? Tonight we talked to three of them. First Senate candidate from Georgia, Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker: Yeah, hello, Judas. My name is Herschel Walker, Texas Ranger, and I’m running for President of the United Airlines.

Judy Woodruff: Next, here’s Pennsylvania’s Republican Senate candidate, Dr. Oz.

Dr. Oz: Hello, Judy. My Pennsylvania Phillies are in the World Series. And I just had a delicious Philadelphia cheese and steak. Yum.

Judy Woodruff: And also joining us is Arizona’s Republican candidate for governor, Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, well, all three of you have been gaining in the polls the past few weeks, despite none of you having any political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s absolutely right.

Dr. Oz: Right.

Kari Lake: Proud of it.

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Walker, you’re now within three points of Senator Raphael Warnock? Why is your support growing?

Herschel Walker: And that’s where I don’t know. See? The whole world is a mystery. Ain’ it? So for example, a thermos, it keeps the hot things hot, but also the cold things cold. But my question is, how do we decide? So we’re gonna be looking into that very much.

Judy Woodruff: Well, you’ve had a tough campaign. A second woman has now claimed you paid for her abortion. And your ex wife has said you once held a gun to her head. Why are millions of Georgia residents still voting for you?

Herschel Walker: Gas.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, gas prices are high. But is there more to it than that?

Herschel Walker: Well, of course there is. I’m fun. Look, if you want to get on the Jumbotron at the Falcons game, you’ll throw on a cardigan and start making sense. You take your shirt off and you shake your belly around. That’s what I’m doing. And people love me no matter what. Like, the great Trump Donald said, I could pay for the bus in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters. And that’s a promise for me, Herschel Walker potamus.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now Dr. Oz, you’ve caught up to your opponent John Fetterman recently surprising many in the media.

Dr. Oz: I sure have. Let’s remember I was a long shot, Judy. But I was told myself, you can win this election if you’re honest, if you’re fair, and if your opponent has a debilitating medical emergency. So we’re very lucky.

Judy Woodruff: Got it. Miss Lake, you’ve pulled ahead of your Democratic opponent Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Yes, I have.

Judy Woodruff: Now you were a local news anchor and a Democrat for many years.

Kari Lake: Correct, yeah.

Judy Woodruff: And yet you’re gaining voters. Why?

Kari Lake: Because I’m normal, Judy. I’m just a regular hometown gal constantly and soft focus and lit like a 90’s Cinemax soft core. And frankly, I’ve just clicked with many of the wonderful terrified elderly people here in Arizona, the Florida of the West. Also, I’m a fighter. In my life, I’ve sent back over 2000 salads. And I’m not afraid to do the same thing with democracy.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now, one of your main campaign issues is the denial of the 2020 election.

Kari Lake: Can you mediate tags just get over the one thing I’ve made the center of my campaign for months and months? Arizonans want to talk about the issues that affect them, like crime in New York or crime in Detroit. And the most pressing issue, drag queen story time. Men dressing as loud sassy women introducing children to the joys of reading? Not on my watch.

Herschel Walker: Hey, can you pass it to me please? I’m open. Listen, Judas. We got babies in school out here identifying as a Pokemon. Okay. And that’s crazy. My son is a boy, last time I checked by text, you know? He certainly ain’t no Snorlax and that’s your science. Excuse me. I’m getting all worked up right now. My head is getting very, very hot.

Dr. Oz: Judy, we need to take care of ourselves. And I recommend the miraculous Alpha cyclo dextrin to help them lose 30 pounds in just one calendar day.

Judy Woodruff: Great. Now Miss Lake, you have proposed some big changes to local voting laws. If you become governor, do you promise to make sure everyone’s vote counts?

Kari Lake: Judy, I’ll make it easy. If the people of Arizona elect me, I’ll make sure they never have to vote ever again.

Judy Woodruff: Now some people are saying that kind of election denialism contributes to violence.

Kari Lake: Violence? What do you mean? Like crazy eyed men in tactical gear waving assault rifles next to ballot boxes? That’s just Arizona, baby. Look, nothing I say can be incendiary because I say it in TV voice. So jump on into Kari Lake, Arizona, because it’s placid and serene on top, but underneath it’s a whole lot of giardia.

Judy Woodruff: Ms. Lake, thank you for being here. And thank you to Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Go Halloween.

Judy Woodruff: When we return, JD Vance asked President Trump for money to go get an ice cream. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.