Joe Biden… Jim Carrey
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Nate Silver… Mikey Day
Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson
Lil Wayne… Chris Redd
Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph
Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett[Starts with intro]
Male voice: And now, a holiday message from former vice president, Joe Biden.[Cut to Joe Biden sitting in his home. He has his house decorated for Halloween.]
Joe Biden: Greetings, America. It’s a spooky time filled with demons and darkness. Also, it’s Halloween. For some Trump voters, it’s the only day they’ll wear a mask. Do you like my decorations? I borrowed them from Melania’s Christmas display, which reminds me, there’s another holiday right around the corner.Election day. If you’re like most Americans, you’re excited to vote and very, very worried about the outcome. But don’t worry. They say I made points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon. [There’s a blue moon outside of Joe Biden’s window.] Hah! Well, that’s a little troubling. But tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story. [Joe Biden pulls out Donald Trump Jr’s book ‘Triggered’. Then immediately puts it away.] Hah! That one’s a little too scary. [He pulls out another book] It’s Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven, a classic poem. You know, in the 1800s, people would read this and soil their pantaloons. Let’s see how it holds up. It’s hard to open.[Joe Biden opens the book]
Once upon a midnight dreary,
while Trump retweeted QAnon theories
and rifled through his Adderall drawer
I was writing my acceptance speech when something stopped me with a screech
it was a knock upon my chamber door
it was someone still a little sore
Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha
Joe Biden: Who made me scared of four years more
Quoth the Clinton…
Hillary Clinton: …We’ve lost before, Ha-ha-ha
Joe Biden: I said, “Raven, stop being such a drag
we’ve got this one in a bag
it’s what every pundit said from shore to shore
Hillary Clinton: Not Michael Moore,
he says voters are being under counted in the polls
also even if you do win on Tuesday,
the election could still be stolen from you
Joe Biden: I said, “Common! No one would dare.
I’ll be sworn in fair and square
all the votes will be accounted for
Hillary Clinton: Just like Al Gore?
Joe Biden: This time is different, I can win
the people know I have a plan
Hillary Clinton: But your real advantage is you’re not a woman, you’re a man
Okay, you got this. Okay.[Hillary Clinton walks out the door]
Joe Biden: I checked the website at 5:38
to find out my election fate
Nate Silver, you will know the score
Nate Silver: I was wrong before.
So, look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one in six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So, for example, [Nate Silver rolls a die] hah! One! Well, I guess that shows you that it’s technically possible, however unlikely, but roll it again an you will see that it’s a… [rolls the die again] hah! One! But roll it again… [rolls the die again] and ‘electoral college tie’? That’s not even an option. Okay, I’m just going to leave because I think our country is haunted.
Joe Biden: Our country is not haunted. We just have to come together like two butt cheeks to stop the crap.
Decent folks out there I ask,
hasn’t Trump failed at his task?
do not elect him anymore
though Ice Cube and Lil Wayne…
Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: … are voting for.
Joe Biden: Why in the name of all that is holy
would you be voting for Trump?
Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: Taxes!
Lil Wayne: Plus, Trumps got a new platinum plan.
Ice Cube: That’s right. If you got a platinum record, you can plan on him doing a photo op with you.
Joe Biden: Trump cannot win,
we must do better
than that spray tan super spreader
still I will win coz I’m a baller
just ask my running mate Kamala
Kamala Harris: Come on, Joe, you know it’s Kamala
Joe Biden: I know. I took some artistic liberties to preserve my rhyme scheme.
I know a lot’s uncertain but I believe I’ll win this race.
Kamala Harris: And that’s why Mitch McConnell…[Mitch McConnell walks in]
Mitch McConnell: …is stopping by, just in case
Joe, my old pal from the senate. Don’t tell anyone this but I’m kind of pulling for you. You’re doing great. [Mitch McConnell showing thumbs up. His thumbs are injured.]
Joe Biden: My god. What happened to your hands, lobster boy?
Mitch McConnell: Oh. No. This is just very calm and normal condition called ‘old man purple’. Basically my blood hates me so much, it’s trying to reave my body. Either that or I’m too far away from my horcrux.[Mitch McConnell runs out]
Joe Biden: So, whatever happens, America, know that it’ll be okay.
Kamala Harris: Our nation will endure. We will fight another day.
Joe Biden: I’m sure it will be peaceful no matter who has won.
Kamala Harris: Though it’s never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns
use your voice and use your vote
democracy will represent
Joe Biden: This daylight savings time, let’s gain an hour and lose a president.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.