Emily Steel… Kate McKinnon
Todd Saint Lucian… Alex Moffat
Kevin Black… James Franco
Tania… Melissa Villaseñor
Johnathan… Luke Null
Kinson… Chris Redd
David… Pete Davidson
Emily: You’re listening to 91.7, Iowa city radio. We’re here broadcasting live from the Hancher Auditorium for the 2017 Iowa city all district spelling bee. I’m your host Emily Steel.
Todd: And I am still you color commentator, Todd Saint Lucian.
Emily: Todd, what do you make of the bee so far?
Todd: Emily, let me tell ya’, some of the words these kids have been spelling are absolutely magnificent.
Emily: Ooh! Ha-ha. Nice word, Todd.
Todd: Thanks. Just don’t ask me to spell it. [laughing]
Emily: Seriously? Alright. Well, the second round is just about to start. So, why don’t we join the action?
[Cut to the spelling contest]Kevin: Congratulations to all of you for making it this far. My name is Kevin Black. And I’ll be moderating this round. Well, the first contestant, please step forward.
[Tania walks to the mic]Emily: And first to the mic is 8th grader, Tania Clark. She breeze through round one. Let’s see how she does the second time around.
Kevin: Your word is ‘Berate.’
Tania: Could you use it in a sentence?
Kevin: Berate. I’m dead inside because my stepfather used to berate me with insults and emasculate me with feminine nicknames. Berate.
Tania: Could I get the definition please?
Kevin: Berate. To use insults in feminine nicknames such as ‘stupid Suzie tampon princess’ to emasculate your stepson and make him dead inside. Berate.
Tania: Um, okay. Berate. B-E-R-A-T-E. Berate.
[right answer bell]Kevin: Congratulations. That is correct.
[Cut to Emily and Todd]Emily: Well, that was insane.
Todd: I know. Six letters. That’s a lot.
Emily: Do you know how to spell, Todd?
Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Let’s get back to the action.
[Cut to the spelling contest. Johnathan is on the mic.]Todd: 14 year old, Johnathan Winslow.
Kevin: Your word is ‘Chagrin.’
Johnathan: Could you use it in a sentence please?
Kevin: Chagrin. My step father, Kevin, told the entire lacrosse team that I hadn’t yet developed pubic hair much to my Chagrin.
Johnathan: Could I get a definition, please?
Kevin: Chagrin. The feeling of shame that results from your stepfather, Kevin, telling the entire lacrosse team that you’re ‘Like a baby seal down there.’
Johnathan: Um, okay. Chagrin. C-H-A-G-R-I-N. Chagrin.
[right answer bell]Kevin: That is correct.
[Cut to Emily and Todd]Todd: Well, Emily, we’re two words into round two. Any thoughts so far?
Emily: Well, Todd, so far it’s been depraved.
Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Sounds more like a round three word.
[Cut to the spelling contest. Kinson is on the mic.]Uh, next stop is Kinson Clare. Let’s see what word he gets.
Kevin: Your word is ‘Urophiliac.’
Emily: Okay. So that’s a word for people who like getting peed on. So, um– [referee walks to Kevin and whispers on his ears] Yeah. Okay. Looks like the ref is getting involved.
[referee takes his flashcard away]Kevin: Sorry for the delay. Apparently ‘Urophiliac’ is inappropriate word for Spelling Bee. But they’ve given me a replacement word instead. Your new word is ‘Adolescent.’
Kinson: Could you use it in a sentence?
Kevin: Adolescent. I used to be an adolescent. Now, as an adult, I’m a urophiliac. I derive sexual pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.
Kinson: Can I get the definition please?
Kevin: Adolescent. What I was before I became an adult urophiliac. Meaning, I derive erotic pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.
Kinson: Damn, man! Um, okay. Adolescent. A-D-O-L-E-S-C-E-N-T. Adolescent.
[right answer bell]Kevin: Congratulations. You have spelled it correctly.
Kinson: You need help.
[Kinson walks out and David walks in]Todd: And last stop is David Roberts.
David: Um, hey, man. Could I get like, a normal word?
Kevin: I’m just reading the cards.
David: Okay. Whatever, man.
Kevin: Your word is ‘Little Pig Boy.’
David: Oh. Could you use it in a sentence?
Kevin: Little pig boy. Mistress hates her little pig boy. I am her dirty little big boy. Please stand on me with your boots on. Little pig boy.
David: Could I get the definiton?
Kevin: Little pig boy. He’s that pathetic dirty bitch baby mistress gets to stand on. Little pig boy.
David: Um, country of origin?
Kevin: Little pig boy comes from the dirt. He’s a weasely little mud grub who needs to be stood on. Little pig boy.
David: Okay. Guess I’ll give it a shot. Um, little pig boy. L-I-T-T-L-E P-I-G B-O-Y. Little pig boy.
[right answer bell]Kevin: That is correct.
[Cut to Emily and Todd. Emily looks shocked. Todd seems to have no idea.]Todd: Well, that’s it for round two. Emily, how do you think it went?
Emily: Bad.
Todd: Well, at least the kids had fun.
Emily: They did not.
Todd: Okay. We’ll be right back.