Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
General Dunlap… Mikey Day
Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan
Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis
Mike Pence… Beck Bennett
[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]
Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?
Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?
Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.
Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?
Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.
Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.
Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?
[General Dunlap enters]
General Dunlap: Here he is.
Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.
General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.
Donald Trump: Sure.
General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.
Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.
General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.
Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.
[General Dunlap walks out]
Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]
Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?
Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.
Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.
Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?
Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!
Donald Trump: Every single one?
Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.
Donald Trump: How long is that wall?
Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.
Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?
Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.
Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.
Peter Chucksell: Okay.
[Peter Chucksell walks out]
Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.
Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.
[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]
Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?
Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.
[Mitt Romney walks in]
Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.
Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.
[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]
Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?
Donald Trump: I don’t think so.
Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.
[Mitt Romney walks out]
Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.
Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.
[Mike Pence walks in]
Mike Pence: Hello, sir.
Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?
Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.
Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.
Mike Pence: Absolutely.
Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.
Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.
Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.
Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.
Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.
Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?
Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.
Mike Pence: Scrapped?
Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.
Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.
Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.
Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?
Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.
Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.
Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.
Mike Pence: Don’t do it?
Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.
Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.
Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?
Mike Pence: Yes, sir.
Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.
Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.