Mary Ann Louise Fisher… Ego Nwodim
Michael Che: Well, folks, the holiday season is officially upon us and here with some tips on how to get your holiday shopping done quickly is the most chaotic holiday shopper ever. Mary Ann Louise Fisher.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Hello, Michael. Hey, hey. We got about three minutes to do this. I still got seven stores to hit on this block.
Michael Che: Wow. So you’ve been pretty busy.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Oh, yeah, I have, Michael. See, I’m one to 27 children’s, so I got a lot of shopping to do. And I need to do it fast and I need to do to crazy. You ever seen the aisles at Ross Dress For Less?
Michael Che: Yes, that place is a wreck. I mean most of the merchandise is on the ground.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Yeah, that’s me, Michael. That’s all me. Every single Ross, that’s me.
Michael Che: So you’re single handedly trashing all the Ross’s.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: You’ve ever tripped over a pair of Billabong board shorts stuck to a Winnie the Pooh children’s teapot? That was me, Michael.
Michael Che: But why mess everything up?
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Power, Michael. I need to leave my mark. And sometimes to find that one perfect shirt, you have to unfold 40 and dump them all on the floor.
Michael Che: All right, well, you’re here to give us some holiday shopping tips. Right?
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: That’s correct. Tip number one. Get you one of these. [pulls out a neck brace and wears it] Did you know anyone can buy a neck brace? You don’t even have to go to a doctor. These things make people stay out of your way. They think you’re wounded. But only you know your neck is strong as hell. Now, Michael, guess how much all the Santa plates were?
Michael Che: Wait, what?
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay? All right? Now guess how much this shirt was?
Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe…
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay. You want me to show you how I got it?
Michael Che: Sure.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, so hold this. [gives Michael Che the shirt] And pretend you’re a customer looking at it.
Michael Che: Well, ain’t this a lovely blouse.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: [snatches the shirt from Michael Che’s hands] Give me that damn shirt. That was in my basket.
Michael Che: Alright, well that was intense. I see how that works for you. But like you have any other tips.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Tip number two. If your blood sugar drops, JC Penney got nuggets.
Michael Che: What?
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: JC Penney got chicken nuggets. All you got to do is get yourself stuck on that escalator, make a fuss and the manager will find you some nuggets. Okay?
Michael Che: Are you alright?
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: No, Michael, what the hell are you talking about? I know too much. I seen too much. It’s a warzone out there. And I just got done doing three tours in Nordstrom Iraq.
Michael Che: Nordstrom Rack is just a department store. It’s not that serious.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, you have no idea Michael. I’m the one out here on his front lines. Now my third and final tip, and I shouldn’t have to say this. But if you can be black, because if you’re white acting like this, someone will take a video and you will lose your job. You see Michael? There is no such thing as a black Karen. See, I could slap the hell out of you right now and nobody was saying a word. My job is safe.
Michael Che: What do you even do for work?
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I sue the city. The city has a lot of money and a bunch of uneven sidewalks.
Michael Che: Mary Ann Louise Fisher, everybody.
Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I got you some gift, it’s some jeans.
Michael Che: No, I’m good.