Subway Churro

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Kenan Thompson

John Mulaney

[MAN 1] Man, how long this train gonna take?

[MAN 2] It says the next one arrives in “forget about it,” pff, I love this new mayor

[MAN 1] I’m starving, yo, newsstand guy, let me get a Snickers and a bag of chips

[NEWSSTAND GUY] I’ll get you the closest thing, an Oh Henry! bar and a copy of XL Butts

[MAN 1] They still make Oh Henry! bars?

[NEWSSTAND GUY] No, and what does he want?

[MAN 2] Oh, nothing from you, I’m gonna go buy a churro

[MAN 1] You’re buying a what?
[MAN 2] A churro, they smell delicious and that’s saying a lot considering I have active covid

[NEWSSTAND GUY] You’re sure you want a churro, an unwrapped churro from a woman pushing a laundry cart, who’s holding it in her bare hands with a Starbucks napkin?

[MAN 2] Look, I’m a grown drunk man and I want a churro to eat on the choo-choo ride home

[NEWSSTAND GUY] Very well then, thе dye is cast, oh, mole person, why don’t you tеll this gentleman what happens when you eat a churro from the subway?

[to the tune of “Some Enchanted Evening” from South Pacific]

[MOLE PERSON] Some disgusting evening
You will buy a churro
A loose unpackaged churro
And then your butt will bleed
And somehow you’ll know
As soon as you chew
That an hour before you
A rat bit it too

[MAN 1] Wait a second, mole people are real?

[NEWSSTAND GUY] Of course, they’re real, imagine how great that would be to live off the grid, no more endless texts or emails

[MAN 2] What?

[to the tune of “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof]

[NEWSSTAND GUY] If I were a mole man
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum
All day long I’d drink a shoe of rum
If I were a mole person
We’d never have to work
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum

[MOLE PERSON] I used to drive an Amazon van
Living in a hole is such a better plan

[NEWSSTAND GUY] Now you feast on old, discarded ham
[NEWSSTAND GUY & MOLE PERSON] If I were a filthy mole man


[MAN 2] Oh, wow, was that the actual cast of Fiddler?

[NEWSSTAND GUY] No, it’s just a lunch break at B&H Photo

[MAN 1] Oh my God, there’s a woman on the tracks

[MAN 2] Is that a ghost?

[NEWSSTAND GUY] No, she was just fired from Sleep No More, now she wanders the tunnels

[MAN 1] Is she okay?

[FIRED WOMAN] Oh, I’m more than okay

[to the tune of “Bali Ha’i” from South Pacific]

I am high on bath salts
Every night, every day
In my mind, you three are demons
If you touch me I eat your face


[MAN 1] Woah, this is crazy

[NEWSSTAND GUY] I know, it’s like are you even allowed to do South Pacific anymore?

[FIRED WOMAN] Wait, can you tell me where in the city we are?

[NEWSSTAND GUY] Oh, the worst part

[to the tune of “Skid Row (Downtown)” from Little Shop of Horrors]

[ALL] We’re in midtown

[NEWSSTAND GUY] Where there’s no food at night

[ALL] You’re in midtown

[MOLE PERSON] Where police horses fight

[ALL] You’re in midtown
Where the traffic lights are for show
The land of finance bros


[MAN 2] Hey look, the subway train’s making its way into the station and it’s got something for everyone

[NEWSSTAND GUY] Did he have a lisp earlier?

[to the tune of “The Wells Fargo Wagon” from The Music Man]

[ALL] Oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks
So please, let it stop for me
Oh, the F local subway is a-coming down the tracks

[MAN 2] It’s called the F because it’s effing me

[FIRED WOMAN] I got bitten by a pigeon on my birthday

[NEWSSTAND GUY] In March I got airborne HPV

[CHURRO WOMAN] Once I sat directly on the needle

[MOLE PERSON] Our new mayor said he fixed it but I just got stabbed


[STABBER] Giuliani says hello

[TRAIN CONDUCTOR] Uh, this is the F train, running on the Q tracks, skipping random stations when I feel like it

[NEWSSTAND GUY] But wait, this train is empty except for one guy in a trenchcoat

[GUY IN A TRENCHCOAT] That’s right, I cleared everyone out, you see

[to the tune of “Singin’ In The Rain” from Singin’ In The Rain]

I’m fapping on the train
Just fapping on the train
What a glorious feeling
I’m naked under here


[NEWSSTAND GUY] Conductor, can’t you just close the doors?

[TRAIN CONDUCTOR] I would if Evan Hansen would move his backpack

[to the tune of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls]

[EVAN HANSEN] And I am telling you
I’m not moving my backpack


[NEWSSTAND GUY] That’s from a different musical with Jennifer Hudson

[EVAN HANSEN] Stop bullying me!

[FIRED WOMAN] I gotta get that guy on bath salts

[NEWSSTAND GUY] And look out on the floor of the train there’s also a puddle of unidentifiable origin

[to the tune of “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Misérables]

[PUDDLE] I am the liquid on the floor
Am I pee or Mountain Dew?
Don’t worry I’m flowing towards the door
Just kidding I’m gonna touch your shoe


[GUARDIAN ANGELS] Stop right there

[MAN 2] Emily in Paris?

[GUARDIAN ANGELS] No, we’re the guardian angels and if you’re looking for a fight you’re gonna go through us, easy

[JESUS] Oh, really? I’m possibly the real Jesus Christ, wearing my famous New York Islanders beer helmet and if you want this subway you’ll have to kill me again first

[MOLE PERSON] Oh my God, it’s all happening

[JESUS] Just as the oracle predicted

[to the tune of “Superstar” from Jesus Christ Superstar]

[ALL] Jesus Christ on the subway car
The helmet doesn’t track with what we know so far
Jesus Christ wearing Crocs
Why does she have a spider in a box
Jesus Christ, she’s pretty drunk
[?] and churros for everyone
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Feasting on churros in paradise
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ

Subway Pitch

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Rocky…John Krasinski

Dino… Beck Bennett

Brandon… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 5 members of Subway in a meeting]

Kenan: Alright guys. It’s time to talk about future of Subway. Let’s face it. We need a rebrant.

Chloe: Agreed. Our last successful promotion was the $5 footlong. It’s time to bring Subway into the 2020s.

Ego: Yes. It’s time for some new ideas.

Rocky: I’ll tell you what. I couldn’t agree more.

Dino: Yeah. We got a lots of new sandwich ideas for sandwiches.

Kenan: Well, Rocky and Dino, you’ve been Subway’s go-to idea guys for the past 30 years.

Rocky: Let me tell you, it has been honor of my life.

Dino: We’re very proud of our legacy.

Kenan: As are we. But maybe it’s time to get a fresh voice in the mix.

Ego: Jina, could you send Brandon in, please?

[Brandon walks in]

Brandon: Knock, knock. Hi. Very excited to be here.

Rocky: Oh. Who’s the hit guy?

Brandon: The name’s Brandon. Brandon Fudgeit, actually. Came over from Chipotle.

Rocky: Oh, burritos. Very interesting

Dino: Yeah. We don’t do burritos here. We do sandwiches kid.

Brandon: Well, I’m not a kid. I’m a man. And what does every man want? Protein. Lots of it. Look, Subway used to be the quick healthy option but bread is bad. So, picture this. Sandwiches without the bread.

Ego: Oh.

Chloe: Okay.

Brandon: Now, you can eat a bowl full of salami or bologna with a fork and a knife.

Ego: Okay, wow. This is exactly what we were looking for.

Dino: Hey, can I ask you something? You got braindamage?

Brandon: What? No. My brain is fine.

Rocky: So, this is like a fetish I don’t know about? Like, you get off by watching people eat a bowl of ham?

Dino: Oh! That’s gross.

Brandon: No. It’s not a fetish. The Subway Protein Bowl is what young people want. I’m sorry but you guys are out of touch.

Rocky: Hey! You have some respect, alright? You know who we are? Okay? We found Jared.

Dino: That’s right. We’re the Jared guys. You see, me and Rocky were more than just salesmen. We’re story tellers. We sold Subway by telling the story of Jared.

Rocky: Yeah. You don’t bring Subway into the 2020s with a bowl of salami, okay? You do it with a story.

Kenan: Okay. And how do you propose we do that?

Dino: We bring back Jared.

Rocky: Yes.

Kenan: No. Stop it. Rocy, Dino, stop trying to bring back Jared. We told you that can never happen. He’s a bad man.

Brandon: Look, Mr. Rocky, Mr. Dino, I’m not trying to disrespect all that you guys have done for Subway. I mean, I love the $5 footlong jingle.

Rocky: Yeah, that wasn’t us.

Dino: Yeah, that was someone else. We pitched a different version.

Rocky and Dino: [singing] Subway’s a sandwich restaurant
we’re known for Jared
so if you want a sandwich
then Subway is an option
if you have $5
then you can buy a sandwich
but it won’t get you cookies

Kenan: Enough! Rocky, Dino, let Mr. Fudgeit finish.

Dino: So, with all due respect if you sell these bologna, I’m gonna kill myself.

Rocky: Me too, boss.

Kenan: Jesus, guys. You can’t say that at work. I’m gonna have to let you both go for that.

Dino: Oh, you’re gonna fire us for threatening to kill ourselves?

Rocky: Well, now we’re definitely gonna kill ourselves.

Dino: Yeah.

Kenan: Okay, fine. You’re not fired.

Dino: Oh, we’re not fired because we’re important to the team? Or because we said we were going blow our brains out?

Ego: It’s because you threatened suicide yes.

Rocky: Good. Glad to know that that works.

Dino: Okay. Work back. Welcome to the team, kid.