Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

It Just Doesn’t Matter

… Bill Murray
… cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a “Black ForestLanes” bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressingroom, picking his nose. There’s a knock at thedoor.]

Bill Murray: Come in.

Gilbert Gottfried: [opens door] Uh, Bill, areyou busy?

Bill Murray: No.

Gilbert Gottfried: Oh.

[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]

Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.

Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.

[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]

Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?

Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.

Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.

Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…

Cast: Yeah?

Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?

Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.

Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…

Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.

Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?

Cast: Come on! Geez!

Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!

Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.

Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?

Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?

Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.

Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.

Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!

Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.

Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.

Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.

Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.

Charles Rocket: Yeah.

Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.

Cast: Really? Oh, really?

Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–

Charles Rocket: Not Jane!

Denny Dillon: That’s amazing. That’s reallyamazing.

Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?

Cast: Yeah.

Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

All: It just doesn’t matter.

Bill Murray: Right!

All: It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…

Charles Rocket: I suppose.

Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.

Cast: Probably, yeah.

Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]

Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.

Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?

Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]

Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.

Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.

Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.

[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]

Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”

Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!

[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]

All:
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!
It just doesn’t matter!

Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!

[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]

All: Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

No Sex With Mary

Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius
Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket
Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo
Manuel…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Mary Cunningham standing at podium ]

Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.

[ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]

Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.

Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!

Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.

[ Chairman of the Board enters ]

Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”

Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?

Jim: No.

Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!

Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…

Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?

Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.

Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.

Manuel: I think she’s frigid…

Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:

[ SUPER ]

“No Sex With Mary
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y.”

Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Goodnights

…..Bill Murray

Bill Murray: Next week, the host will be RobertGuillaume and he will have Ian Drury and theBlockheads with him.

Off screen voice: All right!

Bill Murray: That’s right. [self-consciously,into the camera] Uh, Danny, John, Gilda, Laraine,Garrett, Jane, [rolls his eyes trying to remember ifhe’s forgotten anyone] Gilda, Laraine — [seriously]I’m sorry for what I’ve done.

[The others laugh at this. Cheers and applause as Billsmiles wryly and waves. As the closing theme kicks inand the cast waves, Charles Rocket leans in and givesBill a big hug. Eventually, the cast crowds aroundBill who shakes Eddie Murphy’s hand warmly. The castgives Bill noogies. After a while, we pull back andpan over the applauding audience in Studio8H.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Cut Flowers

Florist…..Bill Murray
Customer…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on title card, as routine florist activity takes place in the background — florists wrap flowers in paper, carry pots in from the back room, etc. ]

[ meanwhile, a Customer window-gazes outside in the snow before deciding to come inside ]

Florist: Good morning. What can we do for you?

Customer: I’m looking for something, uh, special.

Florist: Something special? Uh, what — like a mink coat? Something like that, or have you considered flowers this morning?

Customer: Something, uh — something unusual, perhaps. Uh, out of the ordinary. Not your run of the mill.

Florist: Well, we’ve got some Washington State daffodils this morning. These are very fresh, picked them off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm, no.

Florist: California iris.

Customer: N-no…

Florist: California tiger lilies?

Customer: Uhhh…

Florist: I got — what do you want, spiders? I got glads. I got carnations. Miniature carnations.

Customer: No, I’m looking for something more unusual.

Florist: Unusual?

Customer: Mmm-hmm. Could you show me something?

Florist: Sure. What, are you going to a funeral or something? You’re kind of sad this morning. You’re depressing me!

Customer: No, no. I just want something kind of special, kind of unusual, something less pedestrian.

Florist: Less pedestrian? You come in off the street, you don’t want something pedestrian, huh? [ he chuckles ] Okay, come on. How about a bird of paradise? You know a bird of paradise?

Customer: Well, let’s see.

[ the Florist holds up the flower ]

Florist: Bird of paradise. This isn’t unusual enough for you?

[ the Customer sniffs the flower ]

Florist: [ he chuckles ] Alright. Well, I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to put you to bed. [ he holds up another flower ] White Pinocchios.

Customer: No, no. I’m looking for something a little more, uh… exotic.

Florist: [ thinking ] Exotic?

Customer: Exotic.

[ cut to the two men in another part of the shop ]

Florist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?

Customer: No.

Florist: [ acknowledging a row of flowers ] These are irises. I suppose you wouldn’t like any of this kind of stuff.

Customer: No.

Florist: Carnations.

Customer: No.

Florist: Heathers. This is pretty. Some people think it’s pretty.

Customer: No.

Florist: These are nice glads. They’re fresh. I took ’em off myself.

Customer: Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Here — these are freshia. Try these. Get a whiff of these, get in there.

Customer: [ sniffing ] Mmm-hmm.

Florist: Ah, good? Now, try the yellow ones — those are really good!

Customer: I don’t — I don’t think —

Florist: Alright, over here. Try these mums. These are fragrant, these are really fragrant.

[ cut to the Florist walking to the Customer to a door in the back ]

Florist: Alright. This should be it.

[ the Florist disappears through the door, then re-emerges moments later with a bouquet ]

Florist: These are African daisies.

Customer: [ impressed ] Ohhhh… it’s beautiful! This is EXACTLY what I want!

Florist: [ picking a long stem ] Alright. How many would you like?

Customer: Just the one.

Florist: [ miffed ] Alright. Give me five bucks.

[ the Customer hands over the money ]

Florist: Okay, you want me to wrap it?

Customer: No, I’ll eat it here.

[ the Customer salts the petals, then shoves the flower into his mouth ]

Customer: Mmm!

[ the customer hands his salt shaker to the Florist and walks away ]

[ confused, the Florist sniffs the petals of one of the petals and takes a bite of his own; he tries it with the salt, and continues eating as the credits roll ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

The Cat’s Name

Richard … Bill Murray
Marilyn … Ann Risley
Ron … Matthew Laurance

[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the doorof their friend Ron’s apartment.]

Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,are we late?

Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I – I justdon’t like to keep people waiting.

Marilyn: All right, all right.

Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring thedoorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron’s cat’s name? [shecan’t remember – neither can he – they are instantlystressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat’s name?

Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, no. Gee.

Marilyn: Ahhhh.

Richard: Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’tbelieve I can’t remember the cat’s name.

Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,crossword puzzle book for Christmas.

Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, Ican’t believe it. What’s the cat’s name? Wait. Thename – the name was on the Christmas card. Wait asecond. [remembering] “Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron… and …”

[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sighand contort their faces. As they struggle, breathingheavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appearscarrying his fluffy white cat.]

Ron: I thought I heard you two outhere!

Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.

Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]

Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants tosay hello to you.

Marilyn: Ohhhh.

Ron: Come on in, come on in, come onin.

[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ronmentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests’severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glancesthroughout the sketch.]

Ron: Marilyn. Dick.

[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over betweenthem holding the cat.]

Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, lookwho’s here.

Marilyn: Ah!

Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don’t recognize thatcat.

Ron: [amused] No?

Richard: Who IS that cat?

Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What akidder this guy is!

Richard: I don’t think I recall thatcat.

Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither doI!

Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody’sgot a little bit bigger here.

Marilyn: Oh, yeah.

Richard: [inspecting the cat’s genitalia todetermine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,uh, she’s about ready to have kittens – or be thefather of kittens or something.

Ron: Nah, nah.

Richard: Can’t tell.

Ron: Nah, I’m just, uh, I’m feeding her moresteak and hamburger. You know.

Richard: Oh, she’s eatin’ steak? She didn’talways eat steak.

Ron: No, no, she didn’t.

Richard: When you – When you first started withher, you used to feed her–

Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, comeon.

Richard: What was it you used to say to her?You had something that you said and– Oh, ‘memberthat? What you used to say to her when you fedher?

Ron: I can’t believe you remember that.

Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.

Ron: I can’t believe it.

Richard: Yeah.

Marilyn: Yeah.

Ron: I used to say …

Marilyn: Yeah?

Ron: [playfully, to the cat] “What do YOU wantfor DINNER?!”

[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rollshis eyes.]

Ron: That right?

Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kittydishes you used to have?

Richard: [with gusto] With the name onit!

Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,though.

Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!

Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Canwe see ’em?!

Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?

Richard: Great! Let’s go in there!

[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush forthe kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]

Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.Don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. I’m preparingsomething very special for dinner, I don’t want you tosee. Back up. Back up.

[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofaand sit.]

Marilyn: Oh, oh. It’s a surprise.

Ron: That’s it. I’m gonna go get the drinks.Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nodand chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?

Marilyn: All right. Right.

Ron: Okay!

[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.They are extremely distressed as they wrack theirbrains.]

Richard: Okay, all right, it’s a name. I thinkit’s a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.

Marilyn: It’s on the DAMN DISH in thekitchen!

Richard: Ah, it’s a name. It’s the name of acartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes thecat, talks to it] Popeye?

Marilyn: No, no.

Richard: Popeye? Popeye?

Marilyn: No.

Richard: Damien?! Damien?!

Marilyn: No.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No. No, no.

Richard: R2-D2?

Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!

Richard: It’ll come to us. It’ll come to us.

Marilyn: I’m going crazy. I can’t even thinkstraight.

[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]

Ron: Stingers!

Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] Allright!

Richard: Those look great.

Ron: Stingers!

Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go forit.

Ron: Okay.

[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]

Marilyn: Mmm.

Ron: [to the cat] None for you.

[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back toRon to get rid of him.]

Richard: Could I have another, please?

Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.

Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.

[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ronexits.]

Marilyn: I hate that cat.

Richard: My eyes are watering likecrazy!

[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off theirclothes.]

Marilyn: Look at my dress — it’s my favoritedress!

Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look atthis! Look at this! Look at this!

Marilyn: When we came in–

Richard: We’re gonna have to burn theseclothes. We’re gonna smell like cat urine andeverything else.

Marilyn: When we came in the door, did yousmell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn’the ever change the litter box? It’s like a zoo inhere.

Richard: How old is this cat? Isn’t it gonnadie soon?

Marilyn: I don’t–

[Ron returns without the stingers.]

Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We’re gonna have togo get some more creme de menthe!

Marilyn: I love this kitty.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,baby.

Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USEYOUR PHONE?!

Ron: Yeah. Sure.

Richard: Thank you!

Ron: Go ahead, Rich.

[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, anddials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of theroom. She picks up Ron’s unfinished stinger.]

Marilyn: Uh, could I – could I have an olive inthis?

Ron: An olive? In – in a vodka stinger?

Marilyn: Yeah.

[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes thestinger from her.]

Marilyn: It’s great.

Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for thekitchen]

Marilyn: It’s the best, it really is.

Ron: Ohhh, we’re havin’ some time, huh?

Marilyn: Yeah, havin’ some time.

[Ron exits.]

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!It’s Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What’sRon’s cat’s name? No, no, no. That’s his – that’s hisex-wife. What is his cat’s name? Yeah, it’s a movie orsomething like that.

Marilyn: Call Andrea.

Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?I’ll try her.

[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger forMarilyn.]

Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHERPHONE CALL?!

Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. Noproblem.

[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron handsMarilyn the drink.]

Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]

Ron: [chuckles]

Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it’s greatnow.

Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.Come back here.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?It’s Richard. I’m here with Ron. And his cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin’great?

Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Hiscat. You know, the white cat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat’s name,she’ll smile at you.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Youknow, you know, the cat that smiles when you say itsname, Andrea.

Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea…

Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU tosay it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Thewhite cat. Ron’s white cat that’s all over thehouse.

Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.

Marilyn: [to Ron] I don’t believe she can dothat.

Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can doit.

Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea… [completely loses it, to the astonishment ofRon and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT’S NAME?! WHAT ISIT?! WHAT IS THE CAT’S NAME?! WHAT IS RON’S CAT’SNAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITSNAME?! … BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,THAT’S WHY!!!! WHAT’S THE DAMN CAT’S NAME?![beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionateand friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!

[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look atthe cat. Richard has apparently made Hermansmile.]

Ron: [to Richard] You did it!

Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He’ssmiling!

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposedtext reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.J.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Bubba’s Wash, Fayetta’s Dry

Bubba Hightower…..Bill Murray
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson…..Denny Dillon

[ open on interior, Bubba’s Wash Fayetta’s Dry, as the phone rings ]

Bubba Hightower: [ peeking out from behind a washing machine ] Fayetta, if that mouth of yours is empty for a change, could you grab the phone?

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: You never used to talk to me like that when we was married.

Bubba Hightower: When we was married, you was home like you supposed to be, instead of hanging around here making me worry over you half to death. Now, come on!

[ she stands to answer the ringing payphone ]

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Fayetta’s Wash, Bubba’s Dry. Yeah, hold on. [ to Bubba ] It’s that mangy thing from the diner, wanting you to waste some more of your MONEY on her!

Bubba Hightower: First off — it’s BUBBA’S Wash and Fayetta’s Dry! You know that! And second of all, anybody who’s seeing one of the lowlife Watson Brothers ain’t got NO reason to come down on ME! Huh, Miss Priss? [ into the phone ] Hey, Pretty Girl! Shoot, you about to run me ragged. I can’t keep up with you, you feisty thing! Well, that’s Old Spice — I’ve been wearing it for years. Yeah, there are about thirty women right here now beating my door down, you know?

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Hey, why don’t you let ’em out?!

Bubba Hightower: Excuse me, Sweetheart, but that sorry excuse of an ex-wife of mine’s having one of her STUPID fits. And the only known cure is shoving another one of them Payday bars down that highway of a throat of hers. I’ll call you back, Sweetest of Mine. [ he hangs up ] Fayetta, there is only ONE reason you are here. And that is because some greenhorn judge gave you one half of my hard-earned, operated laundromat! Now, just keep to your one-half — the dryers… and I will keep to my one-half — the washers! Okay?

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: No OKAY, Mr. Big Time! You keep to your dryers, and I’ll keep to my washers! What do you know about color-fast cottons?! You singlehandedly bleached the star right off Ed Carruthers’ Texaco shirt! She had to send all the way to Lobo for a new one!

Bubba Hightower: Oh, THAT’S it, Fayetta! [ he puts up his dukes ] Dig in! Come on, dig in! Dig in!

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now you KNOW you never been the same since you got that shrapnel in your head! If I was you, I’d go SUE the U.S. Army and tell them to put your head back on right!

Bubba Hightower: Don’t start on my plate! My plate is MY plate! Don’t start on my plate!

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Did you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash that you can pick up pieces of PAUL HARVEY and bits and pieces of CLEVELAND without ever going near no radio?!

Bubba Hightower: She don’t — she don’t CARE about my plate! She cares about ME, Bubba Hightower! She don’t even know about no plate!

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Oh, she don’t even KNOW?!

Bubba Hightower: No!

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: She don’t even know that if she takes up with YOU, she’s gonna be spending the night with Radio-Free Europe?! She don’t even know that she’s gotta line all your HATS with a HALF-INCH of industrial fiberglass?! And does she even CARE about who’s who in Phillipine nightlife?!

Bubba Hightower: [ fuming ] Well, at least I ain’t UGLY!! [ he turns his back ] — Like that Pillsbury Doughboy you’ve been serenading! Why don’t he wear clothes that fit? He get ’em from H.E.W., or something?

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well!

Bubba Hightower: He always looks like ten pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack!

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, Bubba, it don’t matter what he looks like on the outside, ’cause his insides is always PURE and UPLIFTING all the time!

Bubba Hightower: Oh, is thaaaat riiiiight? [ hopping around the room ] Is thaaaat riiight? Miss Fayetta. Lurlene. Dawson. Hightower. Dawson, again! Oh, well! I just happen to PICK UP that ol’ Watson boy — the fat doughboy — on my plate the other day, and he was talking about you — and what he said can’t be repeated by no Christian.

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: What’d he say?

Bubba Hightower: No, Ma’am, I — I ain’t talking.

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, you was talking a MINUTE ago, Mr. Smarty! Now, OPEN your mouth and TALK!! I said TALK!!

Bubba Hightower: I said “No!”, Fayetta, and I think I’d better mean “No!” So go on, now, about your business and leave me alone.

[ Bubba crosses the room as Fayetta stands to retrieve laundry from a dryer ]

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Bubba? Was he making fun of me?

Bubba Hightower: [ fiddling with his wrench ] Yeah.

[ contemplative silence ]

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Yuo know what I miss most? Matching up your socks.

[ Bubba puts down his wrench and approaches Fayetta, smiling ]

Bubba Hightower: He don’t wear Old Spice, do he?

[ Fayetta shakes her head no ]

Bubba Hightower: Oh, damn it.

[ Bubba kneels down, kisses Fayetta passionately and crashes his back onto a dryer ]

[ the radio voice of Paul Harvey pipes into the air ]

Voice of Paul Harvey: Page Two — Cost of Living…

Bubba Hightower: Alright, quick, Fayetta — get my hat, will you?

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, you know absent-minded me — I threw ’em all away!

Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you!

Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Why don’t you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash to get a hat for you, honey!

Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you! I swear, I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! Where’s the hat?!

[ Bubba chases Fayetta around the table, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Celibacy: The New EXcuse” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
March 7th, 1981

Bill Murray

Delbert McClinton

None

Bonnie Bramlett

Mark King

Paul Shaffer

Neil Levy

Brian Doyle-Murray
It Just Doesn’t MatterSummary: Bill Murray tells the worried cast to ignore SNL’s bad ratings and to adopt a laissez-faire attitude towards performing on tonight’s show.

Note: Despite Bill Murray’s pep talk, this would be the final episode for Gilbert Gottfried, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance and Patrick Weathers, as well as writer/non-credited performer Mitchell Kriegman.

Transcript

Montage

Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: An excited Bill Murray tosses a woman in the audience over his shoulder. Eddie Murphy rushes out to stop his antics, whereupon the duo proclaim themselves a star-powered comedy team.

Transcript

Formula for the Good LifeSummary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) speaks favorably of the chemical industry.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Script in DevelopmentSummary: The revisions in a writer’s (Bill Murray) mystery novel are acted out behind him as he types.

Transcript

Altered WalterSummary: Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) gets stoned in a sensory-deprivation tank, much to the changrin of his wife (Denny Dillon) and Dan Rather (Joe Piscopo).

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather.

Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Givin’ It Up For Your Love”

Saturday Night NewslineSummary: Dr. Jonathan Lear (Mark King) shows off photos of DNA molecules.

Bio: Mark King (1958-) is the bass player for the band Level 42, who would later appear as musical guest in 1986.

Transcript

Chapstick CelebritiesSummary: “Chapstick” is the new last name preferred by celebrities everywhere.

Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis Jr.

Saturday Night Newsline IISummary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks result in awards given to SNL’s original cast.

Transcript

Nick RiversSummary: Nick “Rivers” (Bill Murray) entertains passengers aboard a Mardi Gras cruise along the Mississippi River.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Note: Paul Shaffer’s last official episode as leader of the SNL band is marked by his appearance in this sketch.

Transcript

Saturday Night Newsline IIISummary: Sports reporter Joe Piscopo suggests softer sticks as a solution to hockey violence.

Note: Charles Rocket references his F-bomb from the last episode, by asking “Did you say puck?” in response to Joe Piscopo’s report.

Transcript

“Cut Flowers”Summary: In a film by Mary Pat Kelly, an indecisive man (Brian Doyle-Murray) visits a florist (Bill Murray).

Transcript

No Sex With MarySummary: To avoid starting a scandal, Mary Cunningham’s (Gail Matthius) new co-executives insist that they’re not sleeping with her.

Transcript

What’s The Cat’s Name?Summary: Ron (Matthew Laurance) house guests (Bill Murray, Ann Risley) try in vain to remember the name of his cat.

Transcript

Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Shotgun Rider”

Bubba’s Wash, Fayetta’s DrySummary: Bubba (Bill Murray) and Fayetta (Denny Dillon) are forced to share their laundromat after their divorce.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius

…..Charles Rocket
…..Gail Matthius
David A. Stockman…..Gilbert Gottfried

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.

Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.

Our top story: For the first time in his life, Frank Sinatra had a drink today with a man who does NOT have a nickname. Make a note of it!

Upon his arrival in Cebu City, Phillipines, The Pope said, and I’m quoting now, “The selfish pursuit of sexual pleasure and the fear of permanent committment are destructive forces and, as such, should be restricted to the state of California.

Gail?

Gail Matthius: The United States postal service got approval to raise the price of a stamp to eighteen cents. The additional revenue will go toward improving their service. That means that now you’ll get the wrong mail a day earlier! [ no response ] Okay.

The drought continues in the Northeast. To make sure that all New Yorkers conserve water, Mayor Koch announced that the city is piping in all its water from Three Mile Island. In New Jersey, reservoir levels are so low that a woman in Newark turned on her sink, and out popped Jimmy Hoffa’s pinky ring. [ the audience groans ] It’s true.

Charles Rocket: Would you believe that this is a photo of a congressman’s wife? Well, it is! And this is how she’ll look in next month’s Playboy. Her name: Rita Jeanerette. Her husband: John Jeanerette, an ABSCAM victim, and, as you can see, apparently he needed the money for a breast lift. [ he stomps his feet ] Rita also revealed that she and her husband once made love on the steps of the Capitol Building. And, as many Washington insiders know, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, Margaret Trudeau was frequently seen late at night in a skimpy negligee, slithering up to the Washington Monument. That’s not all! Yes, and there was Truman Capite, who once spent the night in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Oh, Truman, come on now, huh? Well, the pressure of Washington, I guess, leads to strange behavior.

In Las Vegas, fire marshalls have asked the city’s hotels to increase their fire safety standards. Well, Caesar’s Palace has come up with the quickest way to evacuate their guests. What do they do? Hey! I’ll answer that for you. They have installed smoke alarms that play a recording of Eddie Fisher singing “O, My Papa”!

Gail?

Gail Matthius: The State Department announced that is is becoming more and more alarmed as Cuba continues to ship arms and weapons to the Communist guerrillas in El Salvador. The chances of american intervention are growing: Bob Hope is already practicing how to say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish! [ no response ] In Spanish.

Heavy fighting in El Salvador. Many casualties resulted when a guerrilla bugle boy panicked. Instead of sounding retreat, he played… The Best of Herb Alpert.

Charles Rocket: The latest trend in music — no, not Herb alpert! It’s coming from — of all places — Italy! Inspired by Jamaican rock, the new sound is called… Ragu music. Incidentally, it is performed by an Italian religious group called the… Pastafarians.

And now, budget director David A. Stockman with a message for the nation’s nearly needy. Mr. Stockman.

David A. Stockman: This week, a great many of you found out that you are not truly needy, but only nearly needy. In other words, you WON’T be getting food stamps any more. But I’ve come up with a new way you can earn back those food stamps and, at the same time, help fight crime. We call it the “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” program. How does it work? It’s simple. If you qualify as a nearly needy person, you can hunt down wanted criminals and turn them in for food stamps. Can you catch a mugger? If you can, we’ll give you enough foo stamps for a hearty breakfast of Ham and Eggs and all the coffee you can drink. Still hungry? Bring us an armed robber, and we’ll feed you for a week. And that’s not all. Gun down a suspected murderer, and we’ll give you $10,000 cash tomorrow, and you can forget about food stamps. If you only wound a suspect, and he gets away… you get nothing. For further details, this pamphlet. [ he holds up a pamphlet ] “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” is available at your post office, along with a list of wanted criminals and local nutjobs. Remember: We’ll double your stamps if you bring your suspect in alive.

Charles Rocket: Thank you, Mr. Stockman.

Well, this week Mr. Reagan announced other budget cuts, which included a 15% reduction in funding to the theater arts. When asked whether this would severely hamper the education of future performers, Mr. Reagan replied, and I’m quoting now: “Hey! I made it without learning how to act!”

Well, that wasn’t all. 83 big programs were whittled down to the bone, totaling over $41.4 billion in cuts. Food stamps, Medicaid, subsidized housing, child nutrition, student aid, mass transit, cuts, cuts, cuts that affect all of us! [ outraged ] Listen here, Ronnie, baby! If you want to save money, why don’t you have Nancy shop at Sears?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]

Charles Rocket: Oh, and a lot of you are asking me right now, with mental telepathy: “Where’s Joe Piscopo, huh?” [ in Piscopo’s frantic style ] Okay, he’s at ringside with the super fight between Rocko Weineretto and challenger Weindulah! Which will be seen later, LIVE, on this evening’s program! For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. Good night, and… watch out.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy
Mr. Speedy…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on toy model of a housing project, with SUPER: “MISTER ROBINSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD”, as police sirens sound ]

[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as Mr. Robinson enters ]

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
“It’s… one… hell of a day in the neighborhood
A hell of a day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
I’ve always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend
Maybe when there’s nobody home… I’ll break in!
So… come out with some folks and a smoke
You bring the stash, ’cause Robinson’s broke!
Will you be mine?
Won’t you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?”

[ he finishes changing into his sweater and shoes ]

Mr. Robinson: Hi, boys and girls! I’m all alone today. But that don’t mean you can stay too long. My wife will be home from work soon. Can you say “BITCH”? I’m sure you can. That’s our special word today, you know. Come see. [ he steps over to an easel with the word “BITCH” on it ] It’s a very special word! Do you know any? I’m sure you do! They come on all colors — Black… White… Puerto Rican. Go practice your new word to see if you’re saying it right. Walk into Mommy’s room… and say “BITCH!” I’ll wait! [ a beat ] Did Mommy slap you? Then you said it right!

[ a buzzing sound at the front door ]

[ Mr. Robinson purses his lips ]

Mr. Robinson: Who can that be? I’ll go and check! [ he walks up the short flight of stairs and stands before the door ] WHO IS IT?!!

Muffled Voice: It’s me!

[ Mr. Robinson turns to the camera and purses his lips ]

Mr. Robinson: It’s Mr. Speedy! He has a package for me! [ he opens the door to let Mr. Speedy shuffle inside ] Hello, Mr. speedy! What did you bring me today?

Mr. Speedy: I brought you a chemistry kit! It cost you $125!

Mr. Robinson: Oh! A “chemistry kit”. “$125”, huh? [ he shoves Mr. Speedy into the hall and slams the door shut ] I ripped him off! You should never play with chemicals unless you know what you’re doing, boys and girls. Can you say “Richard Pryor”? We will play with this a little bit later, but right now let’s take a trip to our wonderful, magical city of fantasy. [ he steps over to a cardboard model of his building ] Oh, look — a bombed-out building! What could you do with this building? Could you live in it? Could you corner somebody in it and take his wallet? Our neighbors are having so much fun, our friends can hardly wait to go out and play! [ he reaches down for a toy cab ] Oh, look — Mr. Taxicab Driver is driving through our neighborhood! [ he pulls a string to drag the cab past the building ] Think he’ll pick up one of the people from our neighborhood? No way! [ he smashes the toy cab with a Coke bottle ] Can you say “Throw a Coke bottle”?

Well, since I have to walk to work — I can’t catch a cab — I gotta walk 63 blocks. So… I’ll see you tomorrow, because you’re special!

[ singing, as he changes his shoes ]
“Tomorrow
Tomorrow
I’ll soak my feel tomorrow
‘Til they feel… brand new!
‘Til then, I hope you’re feeling… happy
My neighborhood is very… crappy!
A very happy tomorrow to you!”

Goodbye, boys and girls! See you later.

[ dissolve to the prop exterior of Mr. Robinson’s building, as one of the room ignites with a flash ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Backstage Revenge

…..Charlene Tilton
…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Todd Rundgren

(the dressing room, backstage. Tilton sits on the same bench, reviewing the script for tonight’s show. Gilbert Gottfried comes in and notices her sitting there.)

Gottfried: (shyly) Um … Charlene?

Tilton: Hi, Gilly!

Gottfried: (sits down) You know, tomorrow, we have the day off. And I was wondering if you’d like to have brunch with me. I mean, I know this place in Brooklyn, you can get unlimited Bloody Marys for five bucks.

Tilton: Aww. (puts her hand on his shoulder) Hey Gilly, uh, I’m really sorry, but I’m having brunch with Charlie at the Plaza.

Gottfried: Oh. Well, well, maybe tomorrow night we can see a movie. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing “Insatiable” again.

Tilton: Well – Gilly, that’s very nice of you, but uh, I promised Charlie I’d see a show with him. He’s got these great tickets for “Evita.”

Gottfried: Oh, you and Charlie … Ann must be feeling terrible.

Tilton: Ann? What are you talking about?

Gottfried: Oh, oh, you didn’t know that Ann and Charlie have been having this torrid love affair … Ann’s carrying Charlie’s baby.

Tilton: (her jaw drops. she closes the script and suddenly becomes spiteful) That two-timer! I’ll get Charlie Rocket.

(she gets up and leaves)

Gottfried: (now sullenly jealous) Charlie Rocket. How come HE gets to take out all the hosts? Sally Kellerman, Jamie Lee Curtis, Malcolm MacDowell … (stands up) How come nobody wants to go out with me?

Todd Rundgren: (passing by) Uh, uh, Gilly? I’ll go out with you. (tongue in cheek)

(Todd walks out of shot. The camera zooms in on Gottfried’s scowling face)

Gottfried: That Charlie Rocket. I’ll get him if it’s the last thing I do.

(cliffhanger cue)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts