Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 17th, 1980

Steve Martin

3-D

Paul & Linda McCartney

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Weekend Update Exclusive ReportSummary: It’s been 122 days since Paul McCartney was busted for possession of marijuana, and Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) hopes to land an exclusive interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin recites a series of tenets entitled “What I Believe”.

Transcript

Real Incredible PeopleSummary: Overly enthusiastic hosts (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) are amazed by the normal feats of everyday people.

Transcript

Messy BurglarsSummary: Franklin (Bill Murray) and Phil (Steve Martin) break into a couple’s (Harry Shearer, Laraine Newman) just so they can make a mess, but then their mothers (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) break in to clean up the mess.

3-D performs “All-Night Television”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) tries to serenade Paul McCartney dwonstairs by singing a medley of Beatles tunes.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

The HominidsSummary:

Transcript

Weekend Update Exclusive Report IISummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) finally gets Paul and Linda McCartney’s attention and conducts his interview.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Coming Up”

Reagan DinnerSummary:

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

Stretch MarksSummary: The new album from aging songstress Patty Caldwell (Gilda Radner).

Transcript

Deer CrossingSummary: A pair of deer (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner) cautiously try to cross the interstate after other deer (Bill Murray, Tom Davis) are hit by passing cars.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin, Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Despite outraged protests from Saudi Arabia, PBS will broadcast “Death of a Princess”, a controversial docu-drama which tells the story of a Saudi princess who was executed for the crime of adultery. The Saudis have threatened to go into productino of their own docu-drama, entitled “Death of a Jewish-American Princess”, about a girl from Great Neck, Long Island who dies from complications of a nose job.

Out of the Rose Garden for the first time in six months, President Carter said he would have attended President Tito’s funeral, only if the late Yugoslav leader was buried in Philadelphia where Carter was campaigning.

And Pope John Paul II is calling his trip to Africa a “complete success.” The Pontiff has baptized thousands, exchanged ideas with African leaders, and recruited several good-looking prospects for the Vatican baskbetball team.

Bill?

Bill Murray: In a surprising victory for President Carter, the Russian Olympic Committee voted unanimously to boycott their own Summer Games in Moscow. The Soviets said that Carter’s boycott forced them to take a long, hard look at themselves, and they are ashamed at their own behavior.

Researchers at the NYU Medical School have discovered that, by applying ice packs to their testicles, they can raise the sperm count and cure certain types of male sterility. Subjects who tested this cold-compress treatment were able to impregnate their wives, who gave birth to Eskimos.

And a dozen of Thomas’s English Muffins, wearing pencil-thin mosutaches, were able to talk their way into the Library of Congress this morning, and stole a copy of “Treasure Island” by Robert Louis Stevenson. It’s the fourth time this year that muffin made it past library security.

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Almost 30,000 refugees have sailed from Cuba to Florida in the past two weeks. There was some concern that, among the refugees, are hundreds of social undesirables, such as mental patients, violent criminals, friends of Bebe Riboso, and members of Desi Arnaz’s original band.

The St. Petersburg Highway Department had to collapse the Tampa Bay Bridge yesterday, in order to apprehend a car that drive onto the bridge without paying the toll. The car apologizes to other cars and buses that were inconvenienced by the incident.

The remains of The Three Stooges were put on display at the Tate Gallery in London, last week. As always, Curly was the most popular.

Bill?

Bill Murray: Thank you. [ holding up paper ] This just in — Secretary of State Edwin Muskie has just resigned because of a dispute with President Carter over next week’s surprise hostage rescue attempt. Carter is trying to get Muskie to postpone his decision until after the attempt fails.

And Rosie Ruiz surprised everyone when she finished first in the South Carolina Democratic Primary last Tuesday. State election officials had doubts, however, claiming she entered the race at the last minute. But Rosie tearfully continued to stick to her story that she DID run in the Primary, and she plans to keep the deledates she won, taking them with her on a camping trip to the Pocono Mountains.

[ image: Jane Curtin smiling with Walter Cronkite ] CBS News anchorman Walter Cronkite categorically denied reports that he would accept the nomination as John Anderson’s running mate. Cronkite, shown here with a local hosebag, repeated the denial in his own familiar words, “That’s the way it is.”

Jane, just what did you have to do to get Mr. C. to pose with you?

Jane Curtin: [ snidely ] Bill, I don’t have to tell you a thing — as a journalist, I’m protected by the First Amendment!

Bill Murray: Well, good — at least you used some protection.

Jane Curtin: And now to talk about himself, is Weekend Update’s Social Sciences Editor Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Jane! Since the Al Franken Decade started, a lot of people have been coming up and asking what they can do for me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Now, the other day I was standing outside of Rockefeller Center, trying to get a cab, and I was trying to think what I was going to do for this week’s spot… and I came up with this GREAT idea! This hilarious idea! And then, some guy… walks up to me, and he says, “Hey! Al Franken!” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] “I’m sorry to bother you… but I’d just like to say I really enjoy your work.” So I say, “Get lost, I’m trying to think.” So the guy leaves, and by this time… I’ve forgotten the idea. This great idea I’d be doing for you now, if it hadn’t been for this SCUM… who interrupted my thought process. Okay — so I get in the cab, and I start thinking: “How did this happen to me, Al Franken?” [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] And I figured it happened because I was trying to get a cab. I should have… a limosine. I mean, let’s be reasonable: Here I am — Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] — one of NBC’s few bright spots… and I’m forced to wait for taxis with you ordinary people out on the street. So I started thinking: “Who does NBC give limos to, anyway?”

Okay — now there are some cast members here on “Saturday Night Live” who do get limo service from NBC. I’m not gonna complain about that. These people are my friends, it would seem a bit… petty. But Garrett? Okay. Anyway… I found out that NBC gives limosines to Tom Snyder and to Gary Coleman. Now, taste aside, these guys do star in their own shows, so I can’t really complain about them, either. But now, get this — who know who gets complete door-to-door limo service from NBC? Fred Silverman. Now, here’s a guy… who is a total, unequivocal failure. Okay? The guy’s been here two years… and he hasn’t done diddly-squat. Okay? And he gets a limo! Okay… [ he grabs a chart ] now, here’s a list of the top ten-rated shows this season in TV. Now, there’s some A’s there… some B’s… some C’s… uh… some S’s. You see those? You see any N’s? Not one N! [ he puts the chart down ] Why? ‘Cause Silverman is a lame-o! But he still gets limosine service. I like to call it “A Limo for the Lame-o.”

Okay. Now, this is where you come in, and you can help me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] I want all of you to write NBC and pressure them to get me a limosine. Now, just send a letter or a postcard to:

GET AL FRANKEN A LIMO!
c/o Fred Silverman
NBC-TV
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Now, this is VERY IMPORTANT! Write this address down, NOW! Get a pencil and paper, and write it down! Here, I’ll wait for you. [ he waits ] Now, I’m sure you’ve got a pencil SOMEWHERE in the house. Go get it. Don’t worry — I’ll yell… I’ll YELL so you won’t miss anything! [ yelling ] Now, if ENOUGH of you write… Silverman will HAVE TO GIVE ME THE LIMO!! Even though I’ve just DECIMATED HIM, that’s the WAY THINGS ARE AROUND HERE! He’s TIMID, INDECISIVE, and he’s EASILY PRESSURED!! HE’s WEAK!! Okay — once again, now that you’re back. That’s:

GET AL FRANKEN A LIMO!
c/o Fred Silverman
NBC-TV
30 Rockefeller Center Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10020

Okay. Now, if this works, and I get my limo, you’ll be doing me… Al Franken [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] a great favor! And, hopefully, I won’t be bothered by people like you! But if you do happen to see me getting out of my limo, or maybe in a fancy hotel or restaurant, or perhaps this summer in London or Paris or Minneapolis… don’t come up to me unless you happen to be an attractive female, who is prepared to engage in sexual intercourse with me… Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Al. That’s the news. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Restaurant

Stan…..Bob Newhart
Nadine…..Jane Curtin
Waiter…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open in romantic restaurant, as violinist plays for diners and crosses past Stan and Nadine’s table ]

Stan: [ taking Nadine’s hand ] Nadine… I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but I feel like… we’ve known each other forever.

Nadine: I know, Stan! It seems more like ten years instead of just ten days.

Stan: Nadine, I know this may seem crazy, but… well, i’ve ben thinking about it for quite a few days now, and… if I were to ask you to marry me… do you think you might say Yes?

Nadine: [ she laughs ] I can’t believe this!

Stan: Does that mean Yes?

Nadine: [ nervously ] Well, don’t you think we’re rushing it a little? I mean, people are gonna think we’re crazy!

Stan: Well, who cares what people think? I mean, I know that these last ten days have been the happiest days of my life.

Nadine: Well… I — I —

[ the Waiter stumbles in with their food ]

Waiter: A salad for the lady…

Nadine: Thank you.

Waiter: The lamb chops for the gentleman… asparagus… [ he tries to place all this food on the tiny table ] Excuse me… Would you like some sour cream with the…?

Stan: No! No! We’re fine, we’re fine. [ the Waiter leaves ] Are you sure you don’t… you don’t want anything more? You must get very tired of, you know, eating salads!

Nadine: Oh, no, no! It’s plenty! With the salad dressing, it makes it very filling!

Stan: What about Saturday?

Nadine: What about Saturday?

Stan: Getting married. How about next Saturday?

Nadine: Well… I thought you’d at least give me a couple of weeks’ warning?

Stan: Hey — I mean, if we’re gonna do it, let’s do it! I mean, is there something the matter, honey?

Nadine: Well… there’s something I have to tell you. And I’m afraid that after I tell you, you won’t want to marry me.

Stan: Honey, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me not want to make me marry you.

Nadine: This is different. Uh — it’s something I think I should have told you a long time ago. I used to be a lot different than I am now.

Stan: Don’t worry about it! I’ve been around a little myself. I mean, I know I’m not getting Kristy MacNichol, you know!

[ they laugh ]

Nadine: No, no — it’s not like that. I-I… I don’t know know how to tell you… [ a beat ] I used to weigh 260 pounds. [ she pulls a picture out of her purse ] This is me. [ she hands him the picture ] Well?

Stan: [ looking at the picture ] Well… it looks like it was taken on a nice day.

Nadine: I think I’m gonna go to the ladies room. Excuse me.

Stan: [ stopping her ] Sweetheart… sweetheart, please. I mean, do you think something like this would make me NOT want to marry you? I mean, that this would make me somehow stop loving you?

Nadine: I… I just thought that once you saw that…

Stan: Nadine, you shouldn’t rush to thoughts like that. I mean… my mother is even a little… a little fat. I mean, nothing like this. But… a little!

Nadine: [ grabbing a large roll ] I didn’t think it would make any difference… but, you know, I wasn’t sure! [ she laughs as she eats the roll with a large slab of butter ]

Stan: How, uh — how, how many years ago was this taken?

Nadine: [ chewing ] Oh! That was taken about four months ago. It was right before I had my jaw wired shut. [ pointing to his food ] Would you give me a piece of that? Just a teeny, tiny… [ he grabs a small piece ] No, no — here. [ she grabs a larger piece and chews a huge mouthful ] I didn’t have any solid food for about three months… [ she swallows ] That’s how I thinned down. It worked a LOT better than when I had my intestines tied off. No. It worked okay… but as soon as I got untied, I gained the weight right back! You know?

Waiter [ returning ] Is everything satisfactory?

Stan: [ annoyed ] Yes, yes! Fine, fine. Thank you.

Nadine: Can we have a dessert menu?

[ the Waiter nods and exits ]

Stan: Listen, uh… Nadine, about Saturday? You know, maybe you’re… maybe you’re right about, you know, about giving ourselves a little more time! [ he chuckles nervously ] I mean, you know, we’ve got the rest of our lives, right? What’s… [ she grabs a large piece of food and stuffs it into her mouth ] What’s… what’s the rush, right?

[ the violinist steps closer, but Stan shoos him away ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

The Mr. Bill Show

(Scene opens at a newspaper stand. A newsdealer grabs a stack of papers and shows us the latest headline)

Newsdealer: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Mr. Bill gets twenty years in Sing Sing

(Cut to Sing Sing prison where Mr. Bill and Spot are in a jail cell. Mr. Bill is lying on his bed playing harmonica while Spot is howling.)

Guard: Awww cut that racket out Mr. Bill! You got a visitor. Come along. (Opens Mr. Bill’s cell.)

Mr. Bill: A visitor? Really? Now who could that be? (sees Miss Sally with a cake in the visitor room.) Miss Sally!

Miss Sally: Oh hi Mr. Bill. I brought something to cheer you up.

Mr. Bill: Oh boy! You know, I wasn’t sure you would come. Listen Miss Sally, I want you to know that I didn’t rob that bank. I was framed.

(Spot barks)

Miss Sally: I know you didn’t, Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: You do? Oh boy, that’s great. Listen, I’m going to work hard and be a model prisoner and I’ll be out of here in no time. I swear Miss Sally.

Miss Sally: Oh I know. The warden seems really nice and he says you’ll be out really soon if I’m nice to him.

Mr. Bill: (Sees it’s a picture of Warden Sluggo) Oh no! You stay away from him. He’s up to no good.

Miss Sally: (Holds Mr. Bill’s hand) Oh, don’t worry Mr. Bill. I wait for you no matter how long it takes.

Mr. Bill: Gee, oh boy yay! (goes back to his cell) She touched me, hey! And she’s going to wait for me too.

Guard: (Locking Mr. Bill back up) Yeah that’s what they all say. I wouldn’t count on it.

Mr. Bill: Oh no. I know Miss Sally. She’ll wait. Gee, I can’t wait to get started. Maybe I can get a job in the laundry room.

(Spot barks. Mr. Hands arrives and sticks his hand through the window)

Mr. Hands: Psst, Mr. Bill? It’s me Mr. Hands remember? Listen I heard about the bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll have you out of here in no time.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, I’m staying. Listen, if I’m good, I figure I’ll be up for parole in ten years maybe.

Mr. Hands: Nah, Miss Sally won’t wait that long. (Shows Mr. Bill a picture of Miss Sally with Warden Sluggo) Look she’s already cheating on you.

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Miss Sally! How could she?

Mr. Hands: Say, maybe we can shoot the lock off. (Shows Mr. Bill a cake with the words “Look inside” written on it)

Mr. Bill: But I don’t have a gun.

Mr. Hands: Here I brought one.

Mr. Bill: Where?

Mr. Hands: Here (pulls a gun out of the cake)

Mr. Bill: Wait a second Mr. Hands, You be careful with that. Don’t point it at me.

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry, don’t worry. Here cock the hammer for me (positions the gun where the hammer is in Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: Oh, But it already is.

Mr. Hands: Okay! (Shoots the gun and the hammer pierces Mr. Bill’s hand. The bullet ricochets off the lock and goes through Spot)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Showing an escape with an X where Spot is.) See I brought this escape map. Maybe we can tunnel our way out.

Mr. Bill: Oh no, you just want to be mean. Now get out of here and leave us alone. Okay?

Mr. Hands: (With an axe) Gee I hope I hit the right Spot! (Hammers Spot where the X is. Water comes pouring out and starts flooding the room)

Mr. Bill: I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: I better get you out of here before you drown.

Mr. Bill: No wait, Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

Mr. Hands: Say, maybe I can yank the bars out. (Ties some rope to the window bars and puts some on Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait! You dropped that rope on me! (Mr Hands drives his car with the rope attached and pulls Mr. Bill in between the bars) Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Ooh you’re stuck! Gee, maybe this will loosen the bars (places some dynamite in the bars)

Mr. Bill: No wait that’s dynamite! Don’t wait stop! (Mr. Hands detonates the dynamite, exploding Mr. Bill who is sent into the prison yard and the sirens start blaring) Ohhhhhhh! Oh no! Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Uh oh! They see you! And the warden says he has you covered. So you better stand up and reach for the sky.

Mr. Bill: (Still stuck in the bars) But I can’t, I’m stuck. So don’t shoot okay? (The guards start shooting) Oh no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They got me! Ohhhh! (the words “The End” are shot into Mr. Bill)

Mr. Hands: Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Bob Newhart’s Monologue

…..Bob Newhart

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Bob Newhart!

Bob Newhart: Thank you! Thank you!

Now… have many of you saw — a couple of weeks ago, there was an encore and Broderick Crawford was the host of “Saturday Night Live”. Did you… see that? [ the audience applauds ] And… Broderick had one of the great shows — “Highway Patrol” — in the early days of television. But… I think people tend to romanticize early television. It was not all that great. There were a lot of programs on that were not… First of all, they would put anything on… because people would watch anything that was put in front of, you know, on the television set. Prticularly, one show — they used to have travelogue shows, and they weren’t… quite as slick as they are today. What they used to do was get a professor from some university, who was on a sabbatical — in Peru or somewhere — and, uh, he’d take his 8mm Browning and shoot a lot of footage, and, uh… and then they would build a show around him, and he was not a trained television personality. The show would start off with a very saccharine announcer, who came out. This program was called “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” It’s kind of an insult to them, I suppose, but that’s what it was called. And, uh… he came out, and he said this:

“Uh, ladies and gentlemen… welcome, once again, to “Strange Peoples, Strange Lands.” Our guest in the studio is Dr. Nicholls Ross. Dr. Ross has recently returned from a trip to Peru. He has brought back some very exciting film with him, which he calls “The Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.” Dr. Ross.”

[ Newhart steps back and assumes the character of Dr. Ross, struggling to locate the mark on the ground where he’s supposed to stand ]

[ high-pitched ] “Well, thank you — thank you — thank you very much. This, uh… this was indeed a very exciting trip that we made… [ he coughs ] to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. [ pointing ] As you can see, uh, here in the film now, we’re driving into the modern city of San Sebastipol… [ he coughs ] a modern city cut out of the heart of the Peruvian jungle. And you see, uh — you see us loading up our boats… and the couple up there on the dock, interestingly enough, is the, uh, American consulate and his very charming wife, uh, Gloria. They, uh… they had thrown… they had thrown a farewell party for us the night before, at the, uh, American Consulate. The, uh, the woman you see directly to the left of the, uh, the American consulate and his very charming wife Gloria… is my wife Margo. She had, uh… she had hoped to, uh, take the trip with us — uh, however, she, uh, she came down with a sudden attack of dysentary and… [ he coughs ] this, uh, this made it impossible for her to go. [ he pauses ] Uh — on our… on our trip. [ he coughs ]

Well, here — [ he points ] Here, you… here, you see us some two days later once again, being towed off a sandbar in the harbor of San Sebastipol. We’re still a little… a little hungover from the… from the farewell… farewell party thrown by the American… American consulate and his very charming… [ he coughs ] charming wife Gloria.

Here, you see us some two days later, once again loading up the boats in the, uh, in the harbor of San Sebastipol… and a couple I’m sure you all recognize by now — the American consulate… and Gloria. Just, uh, just get a glimpse here of my wife trying… trying to make it back to the house. [ he coughs ] We only had, uh… we only had three, uh… three weeks in which to cover the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans, and we’d already… we already blown a week in the harbor of San Sebastipol.

[ pointing ] So here you see us finally under way and arriving late that afternoon at the first city of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. The… then atives here were quite superstitious, and it so happened that our arrival, uh, coincided with a total eclipse of the sun. And the, uh… the natives began to beg us to please return the… big red ball to their sky. [ he smiles ] Which, uh, which we did, of course! Just… it just shows you there are lighter moments in… in even a trip as serious as ours.

[ pointing ] Here you see us arriving at the second of the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans. They had a rather unusual custom in this particular village, of… of providing each male visitor with what, uh, what you might call a sort of, I guess, bride, for his stay there. [ he laughs ] We, uh… we tried to explain to them this was not… this was NOT a custom in our country, uh… However, an adage we learned throuh many years of travel… “When, uh, when in Rome, do as the… do as the Romans do.”

We, uh… we spent a total of two-and-a-half weeks in this village… [ he appears guilty ] Which only… which only left us one day in which to cover the other five Lost Cities of the Incans. Thank you… thank you very much.”

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Newhart smiles ]

Thank you very much! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Goodnights

…..Bob Newhart

Bob Newhart: Good night! Happy Mother’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Dave’s Variety Store written by: Matt Neuman

Dave…..Bob Newhart
Betty….Gilda Radner
Pete…..Bill Murray
Ruth…..Laraine Newman
Harry…..Harry Shearer
Mrs. Parker…..Jane Curtin
Tom…..Tom Davis
Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Isaac Stern’s nephew…..Paul Shaffer
Alan…..Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, Dave’s Varuety Store, as the phone rings ]

Dave: [ answering phone ] Hello! Dave’s Variety Store. Oh, hi, Katie. No, things are kinda slow today. As a matter of fact, your mom and I were thinking of closing up soon. I will. Good night, sweetheart. [ he hangs up ]

Betty: [ entering from back room ] I, uh, put those boxes out in the back, honey.

Dave: Oh, good, we could use the room.

[ Pete and Ruth enter the shop ]

Ruth: Hi!

Pete: Hi, Dave. Hi, Betty.

Dave: Hey, hi, Pete! Hi, Ruth! How are you two today?

Ruth: Terrific!

Pete: Yeah, everything’s just fine, Dave. Say, Dave — would you have any of those… [ miming with his hands ] glass prisms? You know, those things that you hold up to the sunlight, and it breaks the light into rainbows?

Dave: [ thinking ] Yeah… yeah, I think we do.

Betty: Yeah! How many do you want, Pete?

Pete: Oh, two would be great, Betty.

Betty: Oh. [ she grabs two glass prisms ] There you go.

Pete: Hey, what do I owe you for these?

Dave: Uh… let’s say five dollars.

Pete: [ taking out his money ] That’s all I’ve got! Great! Thanks, Dave!

Ruth: Maybe we’ll get together this weekend?

Betty: Oh, I’ll give you a call! [ she wraps up the glass prisms ]

Ruth: Oh, great!

Pete: Thanks again!

[ Pete and Ruth exit ]

Dave: Honey, why don’t we go to a restaurant tonight?

Betty: Oh, not tonight, Dave. I mean, I just have that half-a-roast in the refrigerator.

[ Harry enters the shop ]

Dave: Hi. What can I do for you?

Harry: Well, I’ve been running all over town trying to find a copy of “Oh My Pappa” by Eddie Fisher. Any chance that you would have it?

Dave: Sure… sure, we got it. [ to Betty ] Honey, you know where “Oh, My Pappa” is, don’t you?

Betty: Oh, I’ll get it! [ she exits to the back room ]

Dave: Been having a hard time finding that record, huh?

Harry: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I mean, not one store has had it in stock in twenty years. The darn thing’s been out-of-stock since 1956!

Betty: [ re-enters with the record ] Here you go!

Harry: [ examining it ] You really do have it! That’s amazing! How much is it?

Dave: Uh — four dollars.

Harry: Sounds good to me! [ he pays ] Wait’ll my wife hears this!

Betty: [ she hands him his change ] There you go.

Harry: Thank you! [ he exits ]

Betty: Oh, uh, Dave? Did I tell you that Mrs. Parker called?

Dave: [ glancing outside ] Speak of the Devil!

[ Mrs. Parker enters ]

Dave: Hi, Mrs. Parker!

Mrs. Parker: Hey!

Dave: We were just talking about you.

Mrs. Parker: [ pleased ] Oh! Is it ready?

Dave: As ready as it’ll ever be. [ she giggles, as he pulls up a balloon ] Here you go — a pink balloon filled with pretzels. It was pretzels?

Mrs. Parker: [ examinging it ] Ohhh, yes… yes, it’s wonderful! I don’t know what I would do without you two.

Betty: Oh, you’re sweet, Mrs. Parker!

Dave: You, uh — you want me to put this on your account, of course?

Mrs. Parker: Mmm-hmm. Well, I’ll see you again soon, which will be the next time Ray lets me take the car! [ she exits, as Dave chuckles heartily ]

Betty: She’s something, isn’t she?

Dave: A real lulu!

Betty: Now it’s pink balloons!

Dave: [ he chuckles ] Honey, uh — do we have to have that roast tonight?

[ Tom steps up and clears his throat, as Betty points him out ]

Dave: Uh — yes, sir?

Tom: Yeah, uh… I was curious — do you have a machine to wash dirty poker chips? [ he pulls chips from his pocket ]

Dave: Y-yes, we do. But it shuts down at five o’clock, and it’s almost six now.

Tom: Oh.

Dave: Uh — unless you’re interested in buying a machine.

Tom: No, no, no… I can come back tomorrow. What I was really interested in was, uh — do you have a large medieval crossbow made out of white chocolate?

Dave: I, uh, I believe so. Uh, Betty, get me that chocolate crossbow — the white chocolate.

Betty: Oh. Right.

Dave: It’s wrapped in foil!

Betty: Uh-huh!

Dave: I hope you don’t mind?

Tom: No, are you kidding? What do I owe you for this?

Dave: That’ll be, uh, nineteen dollars and fifty-seven cents.

Tom: Yeah… yeah. [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Okay.

Betty: [ returns ] Here you go!

Tom: Ahhhh!

Betty: Good eating to ya’!

Tom: Great!

Dave: [ hands over his change ] Here you go.

Tom: Thank you very much! [ he exits ]

Betty: Dave, uh — there’s only two of the white chocolate ones left.

Dave: Oh, boy… Okay, I’d better order some more. How are we doing on the, uh, bittersweet ones?

Betty: Oh, that’s okay — we’re alright on the bittersweet.

[ Garrett enters ]

Dave: Yes, sir?

Garrett: Yeah. [ he pulls out a shopping list ] Uh, here we go, let’s see… oh, here! Here it is! [ reading ] I’d like one dead turtle, frozen in a block of ice… Uh… and…

Dave: [ glancing back ] Honey, you want to bring out the frozen turtle?

Betty: Right! [ she exits into the storeroom ]

Garrett: I want a half-a-television… Isaac Stern’s nephew… a square basketball… a #4 pencil… a dozen Dewey buttons…

Dave: [ chuckling ] Whoa, whoa! You gotta go one item at a time here! Uh — that was half a TV?

Garrett: Yeah, yeah… half a television.

Dave: [ reaching under the counter ] Okay, here you go… [ he pulls up half of a television ] Got that right there.

Garrett: Oh, yeah, yeah!

Dave: Okay, and, uh… Isaac Stern’s nephew.

Garrett: Isaac Stern’s nephew, yep!

Dave: [ calling out ] Honey, while you’re down there, bring up the Stern kid, will ya’?

Betty: Dave! Dave! Which one?

Dave: Oh! Uh, I forgot to ask you — Jeff or Mark?

Garrett: Oh! Jeff! Definitely Jeff, man!

Dave: [ calling out ] Jeff!

Betty: Alright!

Garrett: I want the label.

Dave: And that was…?

Garrett: A #4… no, no, I changed my mind. Give me — instead of the #4 pencil — uh, give me two square basketballs.

Dave: You’re the customer!

Garrett: Right. Yeah.

[ Dave places two square basketballs on the counter ]

Dave: Here you go.

Betty: [ returns with Isaac Stern’s nephew in tow ] Okay! Here you go, Sir! He’s a little dusty, but… [ she laughs ]

Dave: I hope you got $32 on you, because that’s what all this is gonna come to.

Garrett: Oh, I do… and I am very glad to pay it! [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Come again.

Betty: Uh — here, Sir, I’ll help you with the Stern kid. Come on.

Garrett: Thank you very much.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: So long, folks!

Betty: There you go.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: Bye bye.

Betty: You have a car?

Garrett: Yeah, we got it. [ he exits ]

Betty: Alright. Bye bye. [ to Dave ] God knows what he’s gonna do with that frozen turtle!

Dave: [ laughing ] You know what, Betty? It’s, uh… We should close up.

Betty: Yeah. Well, you’d better call the distributor before we leave, we’re getting low on a few things.

Dave: Yeah.

[ as Betty flips the Open-Closed sign around, Alan tries to enter the shop ]

Betty: Sir, I’m terribly sorry — we’re closed!

Alan: [ frantic ] I need one thing — please, I need one thing. Please?

Betty: Well, what? What?

Alan: I need a propeller beanie. Please! I need it bad!

Betty: Propeller beanie?

Alan: Yeah.

Betty: [ she grabs one ] Alright, here you go. It’s right there.

Alan: [ he spins the propeller, then places the beanie over his head ] Oh, this is terrific! Oh, great.

Betty: Uh — two dollars.

Alan: [ he pays ] Thanks a lot, lady! Thanks a lot. [ he exits ]

Betty: You’re welcome. Uh-huh. Bye bye. [ she locks the door ]

Dave: [ on the phone ] Yeah — television halves… #4 pencils… uh, Dewey buttons, and, uh, I think that’s about it.

Betty: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait… Let me speak to Arnie for a minute.

Dave: Hold on, Arnie! [ he hands the phone over ]

Betty: Uh-huh. Arnie, uh, we’re gonna need some more of those propeller beanies. [ Dave chuckles ] Yeah, okay. [ she hands the phone back to Dave ]

Dave: Right, Arnie, that’s it. Oh! Uh, Arnie? Are you still there? Yeah, hold on. Just a… just a hunch, Arnie — yeah, listen, do you still have those inflatable Chet huntleys? Yeah, give me about half a dozen. Thanks, Arnie! [ he hangs up ]

Betty: Oh, Dave! You certainly are hot tonight!

Dave: [ laughing ] Well, come on — let’s go eat, honey.

Betty: It was sort of quiet today, huh?

Dave: Well, it’ll pick up tomorrow!

Betty: Yeah!

[ they exit to the back, as the camera pulls back on the set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Peacockmania” ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

The Dating Zone

Jim Lange…..Bill Murray
Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin
Shonda The Cat Lady…..Laraine Newman
Colleen Fernman…..Gilda Radner
Don Johnson…..Bob Newhart
Rod Serling…..Harry Shearer

[ open on game show set, “Spanish Flea” playing, as Jim Lange rushes onstage ]

Jim Lange: Hello, out there! I’m Jim Lange, and I hope you’re ready to play America’s favorite past time — “The Dating Zone”! Before I introduce tonight’s lucky bachelor, why don’t we get to know tonight’s three lucky bachelorettes? And heeeeeeee’re they arrrrrrrre!

[ the set slowly swivels around to reveal tonight’s three bachelorettes ]

Jim Lange: Bachelorette #1 hails from The Bronx, New York — she collects swizzle sticks and cocktail napkins; a former go-go dancer, she hopes one day to be a go-go dancer again; meet: Iris de Flaminio!

Bachelorette #2 comes to us from Marina del Ray — she enjoys decorating with snakes and piercing delicate tissue with hot-rinse precision tools, with whipped potatoes from 50 feet; let’s say Hello to Shonda the Cat Lady!

And Bachelorette #3 is the Mata Hari of the group — we don’t know where she’s from, and she doesn’t know where she’s from; her hobbies are staring and trying to milk animals that don’t give milk; her favorite vegetable is herself, just kidding! Let’s meet Colleen Fernman!

Now, it’s time to meet the lucky guy who gets to score with one of these luscious lovelies — and I don’t mean Poise! [ he guffaws at his joke ] Let’s make him feel welcome — Don Johnson!

[ Don steps out relunctantly, carrying a bag of groceries ]

Jim Lange: Well, Don, I guess you’re just rarin’ to go!

Don Johnson: [ confused ] I — uh — see, I don’t belong here. This, uh — there’s been some mistake. I-I-I need to get back home, my wife’s waiting for me.

Jim Lange: It looks like loverboy’s got a case of the jitters! Okay, Don — have you got your prepared questions? [ he takes Don’s groceries ]

Don Johnson: Mmm… uh — no.

Jim Lange: Well, look in your breast pocket there!

[ Don begins to fish through his pockets, as “The Twilight Zone” music plays and the camera pans over to a dark stage with Rod Serling standing in the middle ]

Rod Serlinge: Meet Don Johnson. He’s an ordinary man who goes out to pick up a few groceries for his wife. On his way home, he innocently accepts a free ticket to a TV game show, and finds himself trapped in a nightmare for which there is… no escape. Soon, he will be forced to choose between… [ slow pan across the bachelorettes ] Bachelorette #1, a sagging, burned-out boozehound; or Bachelorette #2, a bizarre deviant with a talent for torture; or Bachelorette #3, a woman-child whose mind swims with wisps of a life once pathetic… now tragic. Poor Don Johnson. He has just stumbled into… “The Dating Zone.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve back to game show set ]

Jim Lange: Alright, Don “Juan” Johnson! Let’s let the good times roll with the first question!

Don Johnson: [ looking at the card in his hand ] Do I — do I have to read this?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Oh, come on, come on!

Don Johnson: You don’t understand — I-I love my wife.

Jim Lange: [ guffawing ] Come on!

Don Johnson: Alright, uh — [ reading the card ] “Bachelorette #1: If I were an ice cream cone… what would you do to me, and what flavor would you want me to be?” [ he grimaces ]

Iris de Flaminio: I would let you get HOT and MELT… and then I’d catch the driplets with my tongue. And I would hope that you’d be Rum Raisin!

Don Johnson: [ disturbed ] Oh… okay. [ reading next card ] Uh — “Bachelorette #2: What are the three things you’d consider essential for a great date?”

Shonda the Cat Lady: Uhhhh — uh, let’s see, um… manacles… raw meat… and, let’s see… a makeshift plywood pillory. Yeah.

[ Jim guffaws loudly and touches his wrist with a sizzle ]

Don Johnson: Who is — who is that? What’s she talking about?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Don, you’re just gonna have to wait and find out! Come on, come on!

Don Johnson: [ reading ] Uh — “Bachelorette #3: What animal would you say you are most like?”

[ Colleen bounces her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: Bachelorette #3? What animal would you say you are most like?

[ Colleen continues to bounce her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: #3? Is someone there?

Jim Lange: [ enjoying this ] In a way, yeah!

Don Johnson: Uh — #2: What animal?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Um — what’s that insect that bites the head off its mate during sex? You know the one? Um…

Don Johnson: Uh — a praying mantis?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Don Johnson: Num– Number — #1?

Iris de Flaminio: I know this doesn’t exactly answer the question, but, in all honesty, I’d just like to sincerely say that I could show you a good time, sexually. I get a lot of guys who stay right through to the morning!

Don Johnson: Look, I’m — I’m — I’m a happily married man.

Jim Lange: Well, I don’t think these babes really give a hot damn whether you’re married or not, Don! So just go on and ask that next question, alright?

Don Johnson: Uh — [ he reads the card ] “Bechelorette #3: If you were doing a crossword puzzle, and you needed a 5-letter word for “Cat”, beginning with “P” and ending with “Y” –”

[ the theme music pots up ]

Jim Lange: Uh-oh! The time is up! Now, while Don decides, let’s hear some of the PRIZES our runners-up will receive! Don Pardo?

Announcer: Well, Jim — how about those Lapkiss Lucite Bar Stools? [ product slid appears ] The bar stools you LOVE to sit on! Or — [ new product slide appears ] How about a complete set of handsome Mexican Tourister Luggage? And, last but not least — [ new product slide appears ] An elegant Blt Buckle Hole Punch Kit by Fleschmaker! IF it’s a hole by Flaschmaker… you KNOW it’s not there!

[ dissolve back to Jim Lange ]

Jim Lange: Thank you, Don Pardo! And now the time of reckoning is upon us! Will it be… Bachelorette #1… Bachelorette #2… or Bachelorette #3?

Don Johnson: I — I can’t decide. I don’t want any of them. I — I mean, I don’t date!

Jim Lange: Well, now you do, Don! So, go on — make a selection.

Don Johnson: Uh — [ he shrugs ] Num– Number Three.

Jim Lange: Congratulations, #3! Come on, Don — let’s meet the bachelorettes you didn’t meet. Bachelorette #1: Say Hello to Iris de Flaminio! Coem on ot here, Iris!

Iris de Flaminio: [ stepping down ] You’ll NEVER know what you’re missing! You’re probably KICKING yourself right now, huh? [ she smacks Don playfully across the chest ]

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] And Bachelorette #2: Shonda the Cat Lady!

Shonda the Cat Lady: [ stepping down ] If you change your mind, I’ve got some tongue clamps back at my place!

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] You’re a good sport! And now, let’s meet our lucky winner — your date-to-be: Bachelorette #3! She’s a real space cadet, and hopes someday to have a personality! Meet Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she stretches out in her seat and glances around aimlessly ] Cooleen Fernman! [ she steps off in the wrong direction ] Colleen! [ she steps in the other direction ] Colleen Fernman! Come here, Colleen! [ she finally steps down ] Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she bumps into Don ] Ha, what a couple! You really look good together! [ she nuzzles against Don ] Well, I hope you both like to DANCE, because you’re gonna boogie ’til you DROP to the disco beat of Jerry Kravat’s Disco Orchestra in the revolving restaurant high atop the Holiday Inn in lovely Bakersfield, California! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, boy! Alright, you all ready to blow a big kiss? Alright?

[ Jim Lange blows a wet kiss to the audience and laughs, as the words “WET KISS” fly onto the screen ]

[ dissolve back to Rod Serling ]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Don Johnson, oppression’s minion… tyranny’s good sport. He accepted a free ticket and paid with his future. Now, he’s locked in an eternal hell fate… [ Colleen wanders past Serling ] In “The Dating Zone”!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Pink Lady and Carl

Carl Sagan…..Harry Shearer
Mie…..Laraine Newman
Kei…..Gilda Radner
Marvin Hamlisch…..Paul Shaffer
…..Howard Johnson
…..Lou Marini
…..David Sanborn
…..Howard Shore

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “During the past few months, NBC has brought you new television experiences in live music and live theater. Tonight, live from Studio 8H, NBC presents a new concept in public service informational programming, featuring the distinguished television scientist, Dr. Carl Sagan.

[ dissolve to Carl Sagan ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening! I’m Dr. Carl Sagan. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! Thank you so much. And these are my two new and very good friends Mie and Kei… the remarkable Pink Lady! [ Mei and Kei surround Sagan as he wraps his arms around them ] And we are “Pink Lady and Carl”!

[ title card appears as the girls bow ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Tonight, the girls and I are going to explore some of the mysteries of this thing we call The Universe. [ to the girls ] Isn’t that right?

Mie: Yes! We can’t wait to find out all about time and space!

Kei: Like where’s our parking space… and what time we have to be here!

Carl Sagan: Hardly something! You know, one of the questions that’s been most baffling to astronomers — and one that fascinated me, until I got kind of busy — is the story of how the universe itself originated. It’s the science of cosmology, and here to help us to explain the nature of existence… is a close, personal friend of the entire universe — Mr. Marvin Hamlisch!

[ Marvin Hamlisch appears from behind a rotating facade of the set ]

Marvin Hamlisch: Hi, Carl!

Carl Sagan: Marvin, have you met Mie and Kei?

Marvin Hamlisch: [ sniffling ] Yes, as a matter of fact we… we met backstage in Make-Up! They were getting blusher applied to their sushi! You know what I mean?

Kei: My boy-friend took me to see mo-vie you did mu-sic for — “The Stink”!

Marvin Hamlisch: That’s “The Sting“. You know, I’m an important man in this business. Take it easy, or you’ll be back opening shopping centers in Hakido!

Carl Sagan: [ holding up a homemade atom ] Say, uh, Marvin — you know waht this is, of course?

Marvin Hamlisch: Oh… of course. It’s the atom. But… but what does this have to do with the universe, Dr. Sagan?

Carl Sagan: Well, a few years ago, astronomers, using new, very sensitive x-ray telescopes, picked up radio waves that were older than anything else ever recorded by man. Now, what we now think is this radio noise… is the explosion left over from the original Big Bang… that formed our cosmos. vI thought they were formed b North American Soc-cer League!

Mie: Not Cos-mos, stu-pid! — The Cos-mos!

Carl Sagan: Aren’t they something! Now, this Big Bang Theory of the universe is the one that’s most popular with scientists right now.

Kei: Oh, yes! Carl… we have that in Jap-an!

Carl Sagan: You do?

Mie: Sure! That what happens when a bullet train hit a daschund!

Carl Sagan: Well… not really. But here’s Marvin with Mie and Kei to illustrate an idea that may be equally as valid as the Big Bang Theory of the universe. It’s the… Big Band Theory.

[ Hamlisch sits behind his piano and plays, as Mie and Kei climb on top and dance ]

[ members of the SNL Band and perform a jazz-rock version of Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” ]

Carl Sagan: [ clapping ] That is remarkable, Marvin! Remarkable girls. Just remarkable.

Marvin Hamlisch: Thank you. Thank you. But I’ve still got one question, Doctor…

Carl Sagan: Well, what is it?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… Is the universe expanding forever? …Or will the whole process reverse itself one day, and… turn itself around and everything start to get smaller?

Carl Sagan: Well, that’s the… muckingly intriguing thing, Marvin! We… just don’t know!

Marvin Hamlisch: Well, gee… if YOU don’t know, I’d better get out of here!

Mie: Oh, what your hurry, Marvin?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… I’d hate not to win another Oscar before this whole mishiga starts shrinking, you know what I mean?

Carl Sagan: Marvin, I know that, in all seriousness, you actually have to go tape a cerebral palsy special. Thank you for dropping by.

Marvin Hamlisch: Hey, wait a minute — I didn’t get to mention that I wrote the theme of “Good Morning, America”…

Carl Sagan: [ pushing Marvin away ] Marvin Hamlisch! What a guy! Well, you know, next week we’ll explore the surprising detective story of unraveling the development of human intelligence, with our special guests: Erik Estrada and Gloria Loring.

Mie: Oh, Carl! You know… we like you!

Kei: Yes! You are very smart!

Carl Sagan: Well… thank you, girls. [ he laughs ] You’re smart, too! Uh — before we go, is there anything else you know how to say in English?

Mie & Kei: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday… Night?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 10th, 1980

Bob Newhart

The Amazing Rhythm Aces

Bruce Cockburn

None

None

Sarah Paley

Max Pross

Alan Zweibel

Pink Lady and CarlSummary:

Recurring Characters: Carl Sagan, Marvin Hamlisch.

Transcript

Montage

Bob Newhart’s MonologueSummary: Bob Newhart performsstand-up about an early televised expedition to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.

Transcript

The Dating ZoneSummary:

Recurring Characters: Iris de Flaminio, Colleen Fernman, Rod Serling.

Transcript

The Amazing Rhythm Aces perform “Who Will the Next Fool Be” & “Third-Rate Romance”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:

Transcript

The LetterSummary: After soldier Jeremy Travers (Peter Aykroyd) dies in battle, Col. Jessup (Bob Newhart) promises to write his mother, but the time keeps getting away from him.

Bruce Cockburn performs “Wondering Where the Lions Are”

Dave’s Variety StoreSummary: Dave (Bob Newhart) and his wife Betty (Gilda Radner) run a store in which they have every ridiculous item in stock that customers happen to ask for.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: After “Mr. Bill Goes To Jail” for a framed bank robbery, he becomes Mr. Hands’ unwitting escape partner from Sing Sing Prison.

Transcript

RestaurantSummary: Stan (Bob Newhart) is eager to marry Nadine (Jane Curtin) after a brief courtship, until she reveals that she’s only been slender since just before they started dating.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts