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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Troff ‘n’ Brew

Bill…..Steve Martin
Male Co-Worker #1…..Bill Murray
Female Co-Worker…..Jane Curtin
Male Co-Worker #2…..Garrett Morris
Male Patron…..Tom Davis
Waitress #1…..Gilda Radner
Female Patron…..Rosie Shuster
Ray Swangen…..John Belushi
Ray’s Friend…..Dan Aykroyd
Waitress #2…..Laraine Newman
Other Patrons…..Anne Beatts, Jim Downey, Brian Doyle-Murray, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller

[ open on group of four co-workers approaching elevator ]

Bill: So… where are we going to take lunch?

Male Co-worker #1: For God’s sake, let’s pick someplace close by.

Female Co-worker: Well, there’s Fujiwa.

Male Co-worker #2: No, no… Japanese food makes me sweat.

Female Co-worker: How about that Italian place?

Male Co-worker #1: I had Italian last night, if you don’t mind.

Bill: How about that new place, the Troff ‘n’ Brew?

Female Co-worker: Oh, I don’t know… I’ve been there once, and it was all right…

Bill: Come on! Let’s go there! It’s close by, they know me in there, it’s got great lighting, great chili. Come on, let’s go.

[ the elevator dings ]

Male Co-worker #1: I could use some chili.

[ they step into the elevator and grumble amongst themselves as the doors close ]

[ dissolve to the interior of the Troff ‘n’ Brew, Male Patron #1 leaning over a bucket drinking beer straight from the tap as Waitress #1 works the spigot. He then dunks his head into the bucket of beer. ]

[ slow pan across the chili trough, as various patrons lean over to eat their lunch, including Ray Swangen and his buddy ]

Ray’s Buddy: Ray… I’ll tell ya’ — I gotta go next week, and I gotta entertain Herb Cochran’s wife, and I was wondering if you could get me some tickets for the Yankee-Red Sox game. It might give me the opportunity I’ve been looking for to, you know, take his temperature, saw off any old wounds.

Ray Swangen: Uhhhh — no problem! I’ll send a memo to, uh, to Doris, and I’ll set it up. I’d like to have Herb Cock in my corner!

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah. Absolutely.

[ Waitress #2 steps forward with a fresh bucket of chili ]

Waitress #2: Everything okay here?

Ray’s Buddy: Yeah! It’s good!

Waitress #2: Heads up! More chili!

[ she pours the chili out of the bucket and even scoops the bottom of the bucket by hand. Ray and his buddy lean over to eat the fresh chili. ]

[ Bill and his co-workers enter and grab their bibs ]

Male Co-worker #2: Hey! This place is really nice! Who owns these Troff ‘n’ Brews, anyway?

Female Co-worker: Somebody told me it’s another Dining Associates chain. Six or seven of ’em just opened up in the city.

[ the two co-workers dig into the chili ]

Female Co-worker: This place isn’t always crowded. It’s good chili — I have to be careful not to eat too much, though.

[ pan over to Bill and his fellow co-worker digging into the chili ]

Male Co-worker #1: You know… we had better send that Telex out to Detroit right after lunch. I’m gonna step over here to a brew basin and wash this down with some cold brewski.

Bill: Yeah, I could suck back some cold beer.

[ they walk over to the beer buckets ]

[ pan over to Ray and his buddy slurping beer from a bucket in the far corner ]

Ray’s Buddy: Hey, Ray?

Ray Swangen: Yeah?

Ray’s Buddy: Who’s picking up the tab for this feast?

Ray Swangen: I’ll do it. I’ll sign in my company — I’m known here. [ he looks up ] Hey, Waitress!

Waitress #1: [ stepping forward ] Yes, Sir!

Ray Swangen: Uh — I’d like a tab. You know? Ray Swangen Industries.

Waitress #1: Uh, yeah — how many heads?

Ray Swangen: Two.

Waitress #1: Two head! Alright. Sign here. [ Ray signs the tab ] Thank you!

Ray’s Buddy: Ah, beautiful! Thanks a lot, Ray! I’ll get you next week.

Ray Swangen: Ah, whatever.

[ they continue to sip beer from the bucket, as an announcement comes over ]

P.A. V/O: The Troff ‘n’ Brew is closing for a one half-hour hosedown. Please stop feeding, pay your check, and LEAVE by the MAIN exit present!

[ Waitress #2 begins hosing off patrons’ faces ]

P.A. V/O: Please deposit your bibs in the Bib Bin and head to the MAIN exit! One half-hour hosedown —

[ patrons corral toward the exit like cattle, and make just as much noise in the process ]

[ pan upward into the audience, where one man peers over the balcony onto the stage with great interest ]

[ the camera zooms onto the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Looked Better In Ticket Line” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Theodoric Of York

Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin
William…..Dan Aykroyd
Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Joan…..Jane Curtin
Hunchback…..John Belushi
Drunkard…..Bill Murray

Announcer: [ over scolling SUPER ] “In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. The art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. The medieval barbers were the forerunners of today’s men of medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.”

William: Hello, Theodoric of York. Well, it’s springtime, and I’ve come for my haircut and bloodletting.

Theodoric of York: Hello, William, Son of Malcolm the Tanner. Have a seat. Broom Gilda, you start on William’s hair, and I’ll open a vein here.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: How’s that baby I delivered last Christmas when your wife died?

William: Oh, the little fellow is deformed.

Theodoric of York: Oh, that’s right. I remember now. [ cuts William’s vein, as his blood spills into a bowl ]

William: Ahhh..

Announcer: And now, it’s time for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”.

Theodoric of York: There you go. Looks like I have another patient. I’ll be back in a minute to see how you’re doing.

William: Right. Thank you.

[ Theodoric approaches Joan, who stands next to her daughter ]

Joan: Hello, Theodoric, Barber of York.

Theodoric of York: Hello, Joan, Wife of Simkin the Miller. Well, how’s my little patient doing?

Joan: Not so well, I fear. We followed all your instructions – I mixed powder of staghorn, gum of arabic with sheep’s urine, and applied it in a poultice to her face.

Theodoric of York: And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?

Joan: Oh, yes. But she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.

Theodoric of York: Well, let’s give her another bloodletting. Broom Gilda.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Theodoric of York: Take two pints.

Broom Gilda: Yes, Theodoric.

Joan: Will she be alright?

Theodoric of York: Well, I’ll do everything humanly possible. Unfortunately, we barbers aren’t gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago, they thought a disease like your daughter’s was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.

Joan: Well, I’m glad she’s in such good hands.

Hunchback: [ pulls Drunkard forward in a cart ] Is this Theodoric, Barber of York?

Theodoric of York: Say, don’t I know you?

Hunchback: Sure, you worked on my back.

Theodoric of York: What’s wrong with your friend here?

Hunchback: He broke his legs.

Drunkard: I was at the festival of the vernal equinox, and I guess I had a little too much mead.. and I darted out in front of an oxcart. It all happened so fast. They couldn’t stop in time.

Theodoric of York: Well, you’ll a lot better after a good bleeding.

Drunkard: But I’m bleeding already!

Theodoric of York: Say, whos the barber here?

Drunkard: Okay, okay, just do something for my legs.

Theodoric of York: Well, the three of us will get you up on the gibbet here. [ turns Drunkard upside-down, then spreads his legs apart ] Okay, now this is gonna hurt a little. What we’re doing is separating your broken bones, and if you don’t feel better tomorrow, we’ll just cut his legs off about here.

Drunkard: Okay. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna feel better tomorrow!

Theodoric of York: I guess this will teach you to go easy on the mead. Broom Gilda put a few leeches on his forehead.

[ Broom Gilda complies ]

Drunkard: Thank you.

Theodoric of York: [ to William ] When was the last time you came in for a worming?

William: I guess I’m due.. but I don’t have time today. Please accept my payment – this fine, fat goose. [ hands over goose ]

Theodoric of York: Thank you. Broom Gilda will give you your change. [ returns to Joan ] So, how’s the little patient doing?
Joan: She’s worse. She’s looking pale.

Theodoric of York: Well, if she’s not responding to treatment, I’m afriad we’ll have to run some more tests. Broom Gilda, bring me the Caladrius Bird.

Joan: Caladrius Bird?

Theodoric of York: Yes. The Caladrius Bird is placed beside a patient. If the bird looks at a patient’s face, she will live; but if it looks at her feet, she will die. Okay, now, Freddy, come on out. [ unleashes bird from cage, but it just flies off ] I don’t know how to interpret that. Did you see Broom Gilda?

Broom Gilda: No.

Theodoric of York: Well, I guess, take another pint from Isabelle – and while you’re at it, take two pints from the bird.

Broom Gilda: [ feels paitnet ] She’s dead.

Joan: Dead! Dead! I can’t believe it! My little daughter dead!

Theodoric of York: Now, Mrs. Miller, you’re distraught, tired.. you may be suffering from nervous exhaustion. I think you’d feel better if I let some of your blood.

Joan: You charlatan! You killed my daughter, just like you killed most of my other children! Why don’t you admit it! You don’t know what you’re doing!

Theodoric of York: [ steps toward the camera ] Wait a minute. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I’ve been wrong to blindly folow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a “scientific method”. Maybe this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! [ thinks for a minute ] Naaaaaahhh!

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber”, when you’ll hear Theodoric say:

Theodoric of York: A little bloodletting and some boar’s vomit, and he’ll be fine!

[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Extra-Sensory Conception” ]

[ pan to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert

Don Kirshner…..Paul Shaffer
Jake Blues…..John Belushi
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Don Kirschner ]

Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner, and welcome to “Rock Concert”. In 1969, Marshall Checkers, of the legendary Checkers Records, called me on a new blues act that had been playing in a small, funky club on Chicago’s South Side. Today, with the help of Jerry Erdegan, and the staff of Pacific Records, their manager, Morey Daniels, and with the support of fellow artists Curtis Selgado and the Cray Band, they are no longer an authentic blues act, but have managed to become a viable commercial product. So now, let’s join “Joliet” Jake and his silent brother Elwood – The Blues Brothers.

[ pan down and dissolve to Jake and Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, performing on the stage below ]

Blues Brothers: [ singing ]
“I went balling the other night
I started drinking and got real tight
I blew each and all my friends
I felt so good I had to blow it again

I said Hey bartender
Hey man, looka here
A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer

Well I saw a chick sitting on the end
I said Baby can’t we be friends
You’re looking sweet as you can be
Well come on down and drink with me

I said Hey bartender
Hey man looka here
Draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer
Elwood!

Well we was having so much fun
I didn’t know it was half past one
I turned around to have on more
I looked at the clock and it was half past four

Hey bartender
Hey man look a here
A draw one, draw two, draw three, four glasses of beer

Well jukebox girl is everything
All the cats began to sing
I heard somebody called and said
Last round for alcohol

I said Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Hey bartender
Draw one, two, three, four glasses of beer.”

[ pan out and dissolve back to Don Kirschner up above ]

Don Kirschner: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

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  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Love Story

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Harold…..John Belushi

[ open in couple’s bedroom, night ]

Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.

Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?

Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!

Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.

Betty: Harold, are you listening?

Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]

Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?

Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?

Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!

Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!

Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.

Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!

Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!

Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!

Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.

Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.

Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]

Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?

Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!

Harold: [ smugly ] I know!

Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!

Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!

Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?

Harold: Yes.

Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!

Harold: You are?

Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.

Harold: Really?

Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.

Harold: Oh.

Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.

Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.

Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.

Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!

Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?

Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?

Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.

Harold: Alright.

Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.

Harold: Right.

Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!

Harold: Right…

Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!

Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready!

[ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]

Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!

Harold: I love the rubber gloves!

Betty: Yeah!

Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?

Harold: Sure, sure!

Betty: Okay!

Harold: Come on!

Betty: Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves!

[ they disappear under the covers and turn the lights off ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

King Tut

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: I’d like to talk seriously just for a moment. One of the great art exhibitions ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen – or King Tut. But I think it’s a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, T-shirts and posters. And three months ago I was up in the woods, and I wrote a song. I tried to use the ancient modalities and melodies. I’d like to do it for you right now. Maybe we can all learn something.

Steve Martin:
(King Tut. King Tut.)
Now when he was a young man, he never thought he’d see
People stand in line to see the boy king.

(King Tut)
How’d you get so funky?
(Funky Tut)
Did you do the monkey?
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
King Tut)

Now if I’d known they’d line up just to see him
I’d have taken all my money and bought me a museum.

(King Tut)
Buried with a donkey.
(King Tut)
He’s my favorite honky
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
King Tut)

(Tut! Tut!)
Dancing by the Nile!
(Disco Tut! Tut!)
The ladies love his style!
(Boss Tut! Tut!)
Walkin’ for a mile.
(Rockin’ Tut! Tut!)
He ate a crocodile.
(Oooooh, wah-ooooh)
He gave his life for tourism.

[ saxophonist pop out of crypt for a solo ]

Steve Martin: [ places electric blender at saxophonist’s feet ]Golden Idols! He’s an Egyptian!

Steve Martin:
Now when I die, now don’t think I’m a nut
Don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut!
(King Tut)
He could have won a Grammy.
(King Tut)
Buried in his jammies.
(Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
Born in Arizona)

Got a condo made o’ stone-a
(King Tut)

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: I think this has been a great show tonight, and I’m really happy to be here. I really want to thank, individually, the members of “Saturday Night”… because they’ve really been — [ moves his hand in a talking motion ] “Yeah, you’re a great show… yeah, yeah, yeah…” A great pee — proo — people of group to be with! I — I mean that sincerely when I say that, too! So, thanks a lot! We’ll see you — I don’t know how soon!

[ Steve waves to the crowd as the cast join him on stage ]

Announcer: Next week: Watch an encore performance of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Mary Kay Place and musical guest Willie Nelson. We’ll return live in three weeks on Saturday night, May 13th, when our host will be Richard Dreyfuss. And I’m here ALL THE TIME, if anyone wants to listen. This is Don Pardo, saying… “Good night.”

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  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Two Wild and Crazy Guys

Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Cliff…..Garrett Morris
Fox #1…..Gild Radner
Fox #2…..Laraine Newman

[ those Wild and Crazy Guys, Yortuk and Georg Festrunk swingingly entertheir bachelor pad ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, Georg my brother, there will certainly be alot of swinging in our bachelor pad tonight!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughing and swinging ] Hold it! Let’s catchsome rays!

Yortuk Festrunk: You and what Army! [ they both laugh andswing ] Forget about it! [ they swing-motion towards their wet bar ] Ah, that fox bar was really something tonight. It was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal.

Georg Festrunk: And here is a thing I will tell you: thattwo swinging foxes have the hots-on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ pours some drinks ] Why not? There’s nothingpreventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!

Georg Festrunk: [ sips his drink and toasts Yortuk ] We are.. two wild and crazy guys!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ walks into the living room ] Oh, no.. our bachelor pad certainly is messed around. Soon, will be the foxes. Where is the portable floor vacuum that we brought with us from Czechoslavakia?

Georg Festrunk: Wait here now, and you’ll find out! [ hewheels out the oversized industrial floor vacuum – Yortuk sucks upeverything lying on their coffee table ] This floor vacuum is such awonderful household convenience that we’ve wanted for many years!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yes! Usually, in Czechoslavakia, only high party officials of the Communist Party can get them right away!

Georg Festrunk: I’m glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Fox-es! [ they put the vacuum away and swing successfully to the front door to answer it – no foxes, just their neighbor Cliff ] Cliff? Look who it is standing here, our swinging American buddy, Cliff.

Georg Festrunk: Slap my hand, black soul man! [ extends his hand, Cliff slaps it ]

Cliff: [ extends his hand for a slap back, but Georg is mesmorized staring at his own slapped hand ] Uh, hi Georg, hi Yortuk. Hey, man, I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys wanna go?

Yortuk Festrunk: No way! That’s your funeral! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Don’t come crawling to us. Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk Brothers!

Cliff: [ perplexed ] You.. got two ladies coming here tonight? I don’t believe it.

Georg Festrunk: We cruised for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!

Cliff: Wait a minute.. if these chicks were so interested, why didn’t they just come back with you, man?

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. They had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices.

Cliff: Uh, what..? The Statue of Liberty..?

Georg Festrunk: They told us that in America, many American parkrangers distribute birth control devices.

Yortuk Festrunk: Poor foxes. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.

Cliff: O-kay.. Yortuk, George.. sit down for a minute, I’ve got to talk to you. [ they all sit down on the couch ] Now, these chicks.. are not going to show up.

Yortuk Festrunk: Who told you that?!

Cliff: Man, you guys have been hosed, baby.

Georg Festrunk: [ excited ] Hosed?! Count me in! [ he andYortuk laugh ]

Cliff: No, no, no, no.. Uh.. hosed.. tricked.. I mean, they stood you up, man. They’re not coming here. These ladies figured, “Hey, we got these two Czechoslavakian dudes trying to pick us up – what do they know? Let’s hose ’em.” These chicks were lying, man.

Georg Festrunk: [ sad ] I blame myself.

Yortuk Festrunk: This really bums me out.

Georg Festrunk: We sure have a drag.

Cliff: Hey, look.. you’re good guys, man. But sometimes you come on too strong, man. Now, when we’re out partying, if you want to score with girls, you can’t keep running around yelling.. [ stands up and imitates the brothers ] ..”Let’s swi-i-ing! You wanna swi-i-ing?” Man, you gotta be cool, man! You’re in America! This is America!

Yortuk Festrunk: Cliff, you’re standing on the base now. Tonight, we did not swing successfully. I’m gonna talk with my brother Georg. [ they communicate for a moment in their native language ] Cliff, we have decided the Festrunk Brothers do not cruise correctly for fozes.

Georg Festrunk: We will never swing again..

Cliff: Look, come on, you guys.. now, look, don’t take it so hard. Let’s go to that party, man!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Who can this be?

Georg Festrunk: Someone for Cliff..

[ they move slowly to the door, barely swinging – but it’s the foxes ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Now are the foxes!!

Georg Festrunk: Hey, foxes! Clean up your act! [ the brothers laugh ]

Fox #1: Hi, Yortuk. Hi, Georg. Sorry we’re late.

Yortuk Festrunk: No hassles, man. Hey! Listen to Georg’s joke!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! [ to Fox #2 ] “How many astro-sign medallions can you wear?”

Fox #2: I don’t know, I..

Georg Festrunk: “Next time, try five of them!” [ the brothers laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Let’s go, chicks! Le-e-et’s swing!

[ they swing towards the bedroom – Georg notices Cliff still sitting onthe couch ]

Georg Festrunk: It’s okay, Cliff. Many American girls enjoy you, too. They enjoy your protruding buttocks all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ at the wet bar with the girls ] So get off myback, you big sex machine! Let’s get it on!

Georg Festrunk: So, now you know. We are.. two wild andcrazy guys!

[ pan out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Roy Rogers Trigger-Happy?” ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Dancing In The Dark

Man…..Steve Martin
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ open on a disco bar, people dancing and having fun ]

[ slow pan to Man sitting at bar alone lighting a cigarette, his eyes happento gaze on Her – Woman sitting at a table with two friends, who turns tonotice Him looking at her. He gets up, suave, reaches for her, as timestands still around them. He drops his cigarette to the floor, and togetherthey crush it with their feet, the moment beginning. ]

[ He takes her hand, and they dance straight across the floor. He runsahead, she follows behind, as he takes her hand and spins her in a circle.One foot in front of the other, they dance further across the room, thenseparate hands and throw them wildly in the air as they continue to dance,straight out of the scene and amongst the audience. He grabs her, and dipsher. They sit on the apron of the stage for a second, then she gets up anddances through the audience to the top of the stage they just sat below. Hefollows her atop the stage, retreats, then runs back up as she jumps intohis arm and he spins her around three times. They rub their backs on oneanother, then twist around, grab hands, stretch out and spin three moretimes. She falls into his chest, as he drags her to the back of the stage.He then grabs her raised leg and spins her around twice. They dart towardeach end of the stage, then he jumps down the steps so she can jump into hisarms. ]

[ Maniacally now, he carries her to her table and drops her back intoher chair. Then, as if nothing had happened between them, he returns to hisbar stool and lights another cigarette, as time returns to an animated state, and they remain strangers in the night. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 22nd, 1978

Steve Martin

The Blues Brothers

None

None

Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Brian Doyle-Murray

Al Franken

Mitchell Laurance

Rosie Shuster

Howard Shore

Anne Beatts

Tom Schiller
Rock ConcertSummary: Don Kirshner (Paul Shaffer) introduces brothers Jake (John Belushi) and Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd), who perform “Hey, Bartender”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin performs a magic trick that involves pickpocketing an unsuspecting audience member (Bill Murray).

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Hey You!Summary: Woman (Gilda Radner) garners attention by using the perfume for one-night stands.

Note: Repeat from: 77g.

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: Georg (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are glum when Cliff (Garrett Morris) convinces them they’ve been “hosed” by a couple of chicks (Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner) who have kept them waiting so they can pick up borth control devices at the Statue of Liberty.

Recurring Characters: Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk, Cliff.

Transcript

Theodoric of York, Medieval BarberSummary: Theodoric of York (Steve Martin) improvises medicinal tactics even though it remains an unperfected art in the medieval age.

Recurring Characters: Theodoric of York, Broom Gilda.

Transcript

Dancing In The DarkSummary: Time stands still as strangers (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner) dance wildly through a swanky nightclub.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Dan Aykroyd pays Garrett Morris to pick up a supply of marijuana so he can perform a paraquat test. Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin perform a Point/Counterpoint on federal aid for abortions.

Transcript

Steve Martin performs “King Tut”Transcript

Love StorySummary: Husband (John Belushi) and wife (Jane Curtin) fill each other with tales of extramarital affairs in order to help get themselves in the mood for one another in the bedroom.

Transcript

Swan Lake BalletSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, ballerinas perform “Swan Lake” alongside hip hop dancers.

Troff ‘n’ BrewSummary: Business executives (Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi) feast like hogs at the trendy Troff ‘n’ Brew restaurant.

Transcript

Nerds Science FairSummary: Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray) enter their Dialing For Toast exhibit in the school Science Fair, where they compete against Charles “The Spaz” Knerlman (Steve Martin) and his scret project.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Charles Knerlman.

The Blues Brothers perform “I Don’t Know”

Next Week In ReviewSummary: Maxine Universe (Laraine Newman) moderates as psychics (Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin) predict world events of the very-near future.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker

Johnny…..Bill Murray
Susie…..Laraine Newman
Teacher…..Jane Curtin
Josh Ramsey…..Michael Sarrazin
Student…..Garrett Morris
Cheerleader #1…..Rosie Shuster
Cheerleader #2…..Anne Beatts
Teammate…..John Belushi
Mr. Ludlow…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Ludlow…..Gilda Radner

[ open on classroom setting ]

Johnny: Hey, Susie — I haven’t told my parents yet, but I’ve decided not to go away to college next year so that we can get married.

Susie: Oh, Johnny! That makes me SO happy!

[ they kiss ]

Teacher: Okay, okay — quiet down, class! Quiet down! Now… for Home Room, we have a guest — Mr. Josh Ramsey, who was nice enough to come over from the County Health Clinic to talk to us. Mr. Ramsey?

[ the class claps ]

Josh Ramsey: Thank you, Miss Henderson. I’ve come to talk to you all on a problem that’s reached near-epidemic proportions here at Lincoln High. I’m talking, of course, about venereal disease.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker”.

[ Josh Ramsey appears in iris over title card ]

Announcer: Starring Peter Fonda as Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker.

[ dissolve to full classroom set once again ]

Josh Ramsey: Now, I heard some of you giggle when I said “V.D.” — and, actually, that’s quite natural. People giggle at things they don’t understand — especially sex. That’s right — sex! And it’s virtually impossible to get V.D. except through sexual contact. ANYONE who tells you you can get V.D. through a doorknob or a toilet seat is just full of PRUNES! V.D. can cause blindness, insanity, even death! Let me show you something here… [ he holds up a grotesque photo, causing one female student to gasp ] Yes. This is a picture of a man in the third stage of syphillis. If you have a genital sore, a body rash, a burning sensation when urinating, or a milky emission, you may have venereal disease. Now, we at the County Health Clinic want you to come in and see us if you think you MIGHT have V.D.! And there’s NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Anybody can get V.D.: Middle class, intelligent, nice people. Now, are there any questions?

Student: [ reluctantly ] Uh… yeah. Uh… did, uh, you ever, uh, have V.D.?

Josh Ramsey: [ taken aback ] Nooo!

[ the bell rings ]

Teacher: Now, wait just a second! Wait just a second, everybody! Now, I think what Mr. Ramsey said is very important, and I want you all to think about it. Okay… you can go.

[ everyone rushes out of the classroom ]

Johnny: [ to Susie ] Hey, uh… see you after the big game tonight.

Susie: Okay, Johnny!

[ Johnny exits the classroom, as Susie pauses, then approaches Josh Ramsey ]

Susie: Uh — Mr. Ramsey, I wonder if I could come visit you at the Clinic?

Josh Ramsey: Sure. Why not after school?

Susie: Well… I’d have to skip cheerleader practice, but… I guess it’s kind of important.

[ music sting, as we dissolve to the exterior of the V.D. Clinic ]

[ dissolve to school hallway, as two cheerleaders meet at the lockers ]

Cheerleader #1: It isn’t like Susie to miss practice!

Cheerleader #2: I hope there isn’t anything wrong!

Cheerleader #1: God… I hope not!

[ dissolve to V.D. Clinic, zoom in to window ]

[ dissolve to Susie in Josh Ramsey’s office ]

Susie: …So I decided to come see you.

Josh Ramsey: I’m glad you did, Susie. It certainly sounds like V.D. to me.

Susie: Do I get my penicillin shot now?

Josh Ramsey: Well, let’s wait until the tests come back. But NO SEX, Susie!

Susie: Oh, I know. Well… thanks. I guess I’ll go now.

Josh Ramsey: Fine — as soon as you give me the list of your sexual contacts.

Susie: [ worried ] Sexual contacts?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. You know — any boys you’ve had sex with. Or girls. [ Susie gasps ] Not — there’s nothing to be embarrassed about!

Susie: [ sobbing ] But… I can’t!

Josh Ramsey: Susie… friends with whom you’ve had sex with could suffer irreversible physical and mental damage, if you don’t tell me who they are!

Susie: But… but JOHNNY!!

Josh Ramsey: [ he grabs a pen and writes ] Johnny? Johnny who?

Susie: We were gonna get married! If he finds out I have V.D., he’ll know I had sex with someone else.

Josh Ramsey: Maybe he gave it to you.

Susie: Nooo. Johnny’s super-straight! I must have gotten it that one time, that one STUPID time!

Josh Ramsey: Susie… you owe it to the other boy and, most of all, you owe it to Johnny. Now, tell me — Johnny’s last name?

Susie: I can’t! I love him!

Josh Ramsey: Don’t you realize — he’ll find out sooner or later!

Susie: No! Maybe he doesn’t have to. Maybe… I could get one of my girlfriends to SEDUCE him and… then he’ll think SHE gave it to him! It’s a weird idea, but a possiblity!

Josh Ramsey: Susie, you can’t play games with venereal disease. It’s a LOADED pistol pointed right at your CROTCH!

[ dissolve to Johnny and his teammate coming out of basketball practice ]

Teammate: I’m feeling great!

Johnny: Yeah, me, too, man! We’re gonna STOMP Washington tonight, for sure!

Teammate: Yeah!

Johnny: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Teammate: Okay.

[ Johnny enters the boy’s room ]

[ from within, he screams painfully, then emerges from the boy’s room ]

Johnny: Boy… my penis sure hurts when I urinate!

Teammate: [ thinking ] Hey… you heard what that guy from the health clinic said? Maybe you got V.D.!

Johnny: Ah, I gave that a thought, but it’s impossible! He said that the only way you can get V.D. is from sex. The only girl I’ve had sex with is Susie!

Teammate: Well, maybe she gave it to you.

Johnny: [ sour ] If you ever say that… about Susie again… I’ll KILL you!

Teammate: Okay… okay…

[ Johnny storms off, as his teammate makes faces in his wake ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of a basketball game being played, as an intercom irises in the middle ]

Intercom V/O: Your attention, please. Your attention, please. Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please come to the First Aid station. She has venereal disease. Repeat: Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please report to the First Aid station immediately. She has venereal disease.

[ dissolve to the Ludlow household, as Johnny enters ]

Mr. Ludlow: Well, Son… I heard you won the game.

Johnny: Yeah.

Mr. Ludlow: [ chuckling ] It must feel great!

Johnny: Yeah. [ he sits next to his dad ]

Mrs. Ludlow: No. Something’s wrong. A mother can ALWAYS tell!

Mr. Ludlow: [ reading the newspaper ] Ah, there’s a picture in the paper of Susie Edwards. She’s a friend of yours, isn’t she, Johnny? [ he looks at the newspaper again ] It says here… she has venereal disease.

Mrs. Ludlow: Maybe you shouldn’t be seeing that kind of girl, Johnny.

Mr. Ludlow: [ still reading ] It says here that health authorities are looking for two boys who have had sex with her — one named Johnny.

Mrs. Ludlow: Johnny?!

Mr. Ludlow: Johnny? Have you been… being with Susie Edwards?!

Johnny: Yes! I’ve had SEX with her, if THAT’S what you mean!

Mrs. Ludlow: OHHH, MYYY GODDDD!!

Mr. Ludlow: HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX!! [ he swats Johnny with his newspaper ] Did you do it with any OTHER LITTLE SLUTS?!!

Johnny: NO!!! I loved Susie! I wanted to marry her!

Mr. Ludlow: [ outraged ] MARRY her?!! How could you want to marry a girl you’ve had SEX with?! My mother once told me: “Why eat GARBAGE on your wedding night when you can eat STEAK?!”

Johnny: [ crying ] I’m so confused!!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Mr. Ludlow: The doorbell! Who could THIS be at THIS time of night?!

[ he answers the door to Susie and Josh Ramsey ]

Josh Ramsey: Hi. I’m Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker. [ he shakes Mr. Ludlow’s hand ] You must be Johnny’s father.

Mr. Ludlow: Yes… I am.

Josh Ramsey: If it’s okay, we’d like to have a few words with you.

Mr. Ludlow: Does she have to come in?

Josh Ramsey: I think it’s the right thing to do, Mr. Ludlow.

Mrs. Ludlow: [ upset ] Alright! She can come in, but she CAN’T use the BATHROOM!!

Susie: [ sobbing ] Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow… [ she sits next to Johnny ]

Johnny: Well — if she’s coming in, I’m leaving!

Josh Ramsey: Now, wait a minute, Johnny! Susie came here at MY insistence.

Susie: I’m sorry I hurt you, Johnny! I hope you don’t HATE me!

Johnny: I’m sorry, but… I do.

Josh Ramsey: It’s okay to hate her, Johnny. She knew the risks she was taking when she had sex with another boy.

Susie: It was just ONCE! I SWEAR it!

Johnny: I’m sorry, but I can’t believe you any more, Susie. I never want to see you again!

[ the phone rings ]

Mrs. Ludlow: I’ll get it! [ she answers the phone ] Hello?

Voice on Phone: Hello. This is the County Health Clinic. Is V.D. Caseworker Josh Ramsey there?

Mrs. Ludlow: Yes, he is. Mr. Ramsey, it’s for you.

Josh Ramsey: Oh. Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow. [ he takes the phone ] Josh Ramsey.

Voice on Phone: Josh — those test results are in on the Edwards girl. It’s not gonnorhea — she’s got a simple yeast infection.

Josh Ramsey: Ahhhh. Thank you, Seth.

Voice on Phone: Check that.

[ Josh Ramsey hangs up the phone ]

Josh Ramsey: Well, say, everybody. I have some interesting news. It seems that Susie doesn’t have venereal disease after all. It’s just a simple yeast infection.

Mr. Ludlow: Yeast infection?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. An unpleasant infection caused by any number of things, but NOT V.D. Well, I guess you won’t be needing that penicillin shot, Susie.

Johnny: [ confused ] But how come my penis hurts so much when I urinate?

Josh Ramsey: Well… it’s probably non-specific urinthritis aggravated by Susie’s yeast infection. Nothing serious, Johnny. Just ease off sex for a while, stay away from alcohol, and drink a lot of cranberry juice… you’ll be fine.

Susie: [ sweetly ] Johnny… do you still hate me?

Johnny: [ he grins ] Yes. I still hate you.

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

SNL Transcripts

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