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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19

75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Reagan’s Hipness

Ronald Reagan…Chevy Chase
Saxophonist…..Garrett Morris

[Open on Reagan playing improvised blues on an organ, accompanied by a band. The black saxophonist sits on a stool behind Reagan, smiling]

Ronald Reagan: [Stops playing and addresses camera] Oh, hi. I’m Ronald Reagan. [Super: “THIS IS NOT RONALD REAGAN”] Oh, sure, I play the organ, too. [chuckles] Did you think I was just a politician or an actor? Nahhh! [to Saxophonist] Take it, boy! [Resumes organ playing]

[Saxophonist’s smile vanishes as he gets up from his stool and walks over to Reagan, obviously offended by Reagan’s “boy” remark. Saxophonist looks at the band and points to Reagan in disbelief]

Ronald Reagan: You know, I’m doing this to kinda prove a point. I wanna show the people of this great nation of ours that a conservative like me can, well, also get with the hep, pop, young music generation. Take it, boy!

[Reagan resumes playing. Saxophonist starts to put the saxophone reed in his mouth. He takes it out and leans on the organ, again shocked by Reagan’s remark.]

Ronald Reagan: And that’s not all. I like to get down with the colored people. People with the real soul. That natural rhythmic sense that, well, that brought them out to the polls in North Carolina and Texas to vote for me. Take it, boy!

[Reagan resumes playing again. Saxophonist removes the saxophone’s strap from his shoulder and glares at Reagan.]

Ronald Reagan: That’s right. See, I’m an ex-governor, an ex-actor, and a keyboard player. And there’s nothing I like better than to get with the underprivileged. Take it, boy!

[Saxophonist sets his instrument down, grabs Reagan as he utters another “Take it, boy” and punches him in the face. Reagan flies off the organ bench and into a pair of folding chairs as the music stops. Slowly getting up, he looks into the camera]

Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19

75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Final Days

Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis

Pat Nixon…..Madeline Kahn
President Richard Nixon……Dan Aykroyd
David Eisenhower…..Chevy Chase
Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner
Henry Kissinger…..John Belushi

[ open on Pat Nixon at her desk at San Clemente – half-empty bottle of gin on the desk ]

Voice: Mrs. Nixon, maybe you should go upstairs to bed now.

Pat Nixon: [ drunk, maintaining control ] No thank you, Ron, I’ll be alright.

Voice: Alright. Good night, Mrs. Nixon.

Pat Nixon: Good night.. [ starts writing in her diary ] “Dear Diary.. it’s twelve o’clock, and once again I find myself alone. Dick’s leg swelled up today, and he was in intense pain. Good! The ocean is calm here at San Clemente.. quite a contrast to the stormy final days in the White House. I’ll never forget the night of August 7th.. I had just gone down to the pantry to get some refreshments, when I heard Dick’s voice. As usual, he wasn’t speaking to me, he was talking to Abe Lincoln..”

[ flashback to White House hallway – President Richard Nixon talking to Abe Lincoln’s portrait ]

[ SUPER: “The White House – August 7, 1974” ]

President Richard Nixon: [ despairing ] Well, Abe, you were lucky. They shot you. Come on clot! Move up to my heart! Kill me! Kill me!

[ Julie and David Eisenhower enter the room ]

David Eisenhower: Ah, Mr. President? Julie and I were thinking maybe you should go upstairs and get some rest. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning.

President Richard Nixon: [ wincing at the sight of David ] Ugh! He does look like Howdy Doody!

Julie Eisenhower: Daddy, you’re not going to resign, are you?

President Richard Nixon: No, no.. a pessimist would resign. I’m an optimist.

Julie Eisenhower: It’s the pessimists who want you to resign, isn’t it, Daddy?

President Richard Nixon: THat’s right, Princess. Remember that army hospital I visited in Vietnam? There was a young enlisted man from Des Moines, Iowa. He had been hit in the eye with a surface-to-air missile. And he only had four pints of blood left in his body, and as youknow, a man normally has eight pints of blood in his body. Now, the pessimists in this country would say that that boy was half-empty, while I like to think he was half-full!

David Eisenhower: That’s right, Mr. President. You know, I was talking to two reporters from the Washington Post this morning, and they said they thought you were half crazy, but I told them I like to think of you as half-sane!

President Richard Nixon: Thank you. Now, if you’ll leave me alone, I’m in the middle of a meeting.

David Eisenhower: [ looking around for others ] Meeting?

Julie Eisenhower: Okay, Daddy, if it’ll make you feel better. [ she and David leave ]

President Richard Nixon: [ walks over to portrait of JFK ] You! Kennedy. You looked so good all the time. They’re gonna find out about you, too. The president! Having sex with women within these very walls. That never happened when Dick Nixon was in the White House! Never! Never! Never!..

[ flashback to Pat writing in her diary ]

Pat Nixon: “Never.. never.. never.. never.. never.. never.” [ sips drink, gains control of herself ] “I think Henry Kissinger was the first one to suggest that resignation was inevitable. He told Dick not to think of it as a resignation, but as “humiliation with honor”. I think the last time they spoke to each other was on that same night..”

[ flashback to White House hallway ]

President Richard Nixon: Never! Never! Never!

Henry Kissinger: [ enters ] Mr. President, Mr. President.. I just spoke mit your lovely daughter und charming son-in-law, und zey expressed a deep concern for your vell-being, which I, of course, share, und zey suggested zat I come down und cheer you up.

President Richard Nixon: You know I’m not a crook, Henry. You know that I’m innocent.

Henry Kissinger: [ long pause.. coughs ]

President Richard Nixon: I am! I’m telling you, Henry: I had nothing to do with the bugging of Watergate! I had nothing to do with the cover-up! with the break-in to Daniel Ellsberg’s psychiatrist’s office! Or with the man who was killed in Florida!

Henry Kissinger: Vhat man was killed in Florida, Mr. President?

President Richard Nixon: You don’t know about the little Cuban who.. ah.. never mind. [ gets on his knees ] Henry, get down on your knees and pray with me.

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President, you’ve got a big day tomorrow, why don’t ve get in our pajamas und go sleepy?

President Richard Nixon: Don’t you want to pray, you Christ-killer?

Henry Kissinger: I don’t vant to get into zat again, Mr. President. Excuse me, I’ve got to go warn the Strategic Air Command to ignore all presidential orders.

President Richard Nixon: Alright, thanks, Henry. [ Kissinger exits the room ] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!

[ flashback to Pat at her diary ]

Pat Nixon: “Dick wasn’t anti-Semitic.. he hated all minorities. I remember once an aide referred to the Vietnamese as Gooks and Chinks. Dick said that that was wrong. He said a Chink is someone who’s from China, and is Gook is anyone of the Oriental persuasion. A Chink is always a Gook, but a Gook isn’t always a Chink.. it was that way on that same night in Auguest..”

[ flashback to President Richard Nixon talking to a portrait of FDR ]

President Richard Nixon: And you! Franklin Delano Roosenfelt. you were a Jew, too, weren’t you? Jewboy! Jewboy! [ turns to portrait of Lincoln ] What is happening to me, Abe? Everything’s falling apart, Why me, Abe? Why me?!

[ the lips on Lincoln’s portrait move ]

Voice of Lincoln: Because you’re such a dip!

[ flashback to Pat at her diary ]

Pat Nixon: [ slurring ] “..because.. you’re.. such.. a dip!”

Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat! Pat! Where are you? I’m cold.

Pat Nixon: Well, dear Diary, I must close now.

Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat, it’s chilly in here.

Pat Nixon: Throw another tape on the fire!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19

75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Namibia Fondue Sets

Mark Mbutu…Garrett Morris

[Open on black man dressed in African clothing. He speaks in a slow, hesitant manner]

Mark Mbutu: Hello. I’m Mark Mbutu from the newly emerging African nation of Namibia, a former German colony located in southwest Africa. Namibia is an undeveloped nation, and we are appealing to you as world citizens. We need your fondue sets. Many people in the United States received these fondue sets as gifts for anniversaries, birthdays and housewarmings, and often put them up on a shelf and forget about them. There are thousands of Namibian housewives who could cheer up an otherwise dull dinner party with one of these sets. Oh, please think, please give, please send. We already have enough of the little sterna cans for underneath the sets from when the Germans were here, so only send the fondue pots themselves, and the long fark–forks if you have them. [Dissolve to address on green background] Our address is: Fondue Sets For Namibia, Box 180, Namibia, West Africa. [Dissolve back to Mbutu] Oh, and we would like to thank Mr. and Mrs. Norman Prager for sending us the Water-Pik and the deluxe toaster oven. [Raises fist] Thank you!

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “WEARING UNDERWEAR MARKED THURSDAY” ]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19

75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Madeline Kahn’s Monologue

…..Madeline Kahn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Madeline Kahn!

Madeline Kahn: Oh, my my, my, my! Hello! And thank you, and, to get right to the point, what are we going to do, um — it’s Mother’s Day very soon — in a half-hour or so, it’ll be Mother’s Day — and what can we do? I mean, you know, there doesn’t seem to be any way to repay, you know, what a person’s mother gives. I mean, you know, my mother gave me birth — I don’t know about yous. And then, you know, I gave her a scarf. And sometimes she gives me strength, and I give her nothing. And it’s just very upsetting. And I didn’t do ANYTHING this time, because I’ve been so busy, so, um… I do have this wonderful opportunity, and perhaps I could speak for all of you — [ she smiles ] in singing a little something… to Mother. And, here it is:

[ singing ]
“M is for the many things she gave me.
O is for the other things she gave me.
T is for the thousand things she gave me.
H is for the hundred things she gave me.
E is for everything she gave me.
R is for the rest of the things she gave me.
P is for the presents that she gave me.
Put them all together, they spell “MOTHERP.”
The one who means the world to me.”

[ she shrugs and smiles, as the audience applauds ]

We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19

75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Not For Ladies Only

Barbra Walters…..Gilda Radner
Marlene Dietrich…..Madeline Kahn

Barbra Walters: Good evening, and welcome to “Not For Wadies Only”. I’m Baba Wawa, and tonight we’ll be talking to an actual wiving wegend – the incwedible Mawene Dietrich.

Marlene Dietrich: Thank you. It’s gweat to be heah.

Barbra Walters: Mawene, what is it wike to be wiving wegend?

Marlene Dietrich: Wet me just say, it’s been a weawy wich expewience.

Barbra Walters: I’m so impwessed. Mawene.. you are so with and swender. How do you stay so swim?

Marlene Dietrich: Swimming keeps me swim. My daily wegimen incwudes swimming twelve waps in my pool. It’s wonderful for my wegs.

Barbra Walters: Mawene, tell us the secwet of your perpetual youth.

Marlene Dietrich: I only eat healthy foods. I get massaged weguwally, and.. I’ve had evewything wifted.

Barbra Walters: [ incredulous ] You mean you’ve had your wegs wifted?!

Marlene Dietrich: Evewything, even my weah.

Barbra Walters: Your what?

Marlene Dietrich: My weah.

Barbra Walters: Your wear?

Marlene Dietrich: What?

Barbra Walters: Dwop it.

Marlene Dietrich: You bwought it up. [ laughing in ] Of course, wooking gwamowous on film isn’t all beauty secwets. A wot of it is wighting. I do all my own wighting.

Barbra Walters: I didn’t weawize you wote.

Marlene Dietrich: I don’t. I wight.

Barbra Walters: You’re weferring to.. [ moves her fingers as though typing ] ..typewriter witing, wight?

Marlene Dietrich: [ pointing to lights ] I’m weferring to ewectwic wighting. You see, in pictures, bwight wighting can be vewy unfwattering, particuwawy if it makes my wegs wook white. Baba, am I wong to want to appear wadiant?

Barbra Walters: No, that’s very weasonable.. [ to herself ] Hawy Weasonuh.. Hawy Weasonuh.. five million dollars.. I’m wich! [ to camera ] Well, we’ve wun out of time. Before we go, I wanted to mention what a beautiful fur you have on. Is it mink?

Marlene Dietrich: No, it’s just a silly wabbit.

Barbra Walters: Well, Mawene, it’s been a weal pweasure. I thank you. [ into camera ] Don’t forget to dwop in next week when our guest will be Elmer Fudd. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 8th, 1976

Madeline Kahn

Carly Simon

The Muppets

Gary Weis

Paul Shaffer

Howard Shore

Marilyn suzanne Miller



Season 1: Order Now! Reagan’s HipnessSummary: Ronald Reagan (Chevy Chase) demonstrates his hipness by performing a piano piece and abusing a black musician (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

Montage

Madeline Kahn’s Monologue

Wilderness ComedianSummary: A Las Vegas comedian (John Belushi) performs his act for animals in the wild.

Transcript

Not For Ladies OnlySummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) and Marlene Dietrich (Madeline Kahn) have difficulty understanding each other during an interview.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Slumber PartySummary: Girls (Madeline Kahn, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Jane Curtain) discuss sex while at a slumber party.

Transcript

Namibia Fondue SetsSummary: African native (Garrett Morris) makes a plea for unwanted fondue sets.

Transcript

The Muppets

“I Feel Pretty”Summary: After being created, the Bride (Madeline Kahn) Of Frankenstein’s Monster sings “I Feel Pretty.”

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) sees nothing wrong with “violins” on television. Chevy Chase repeats the top story for cows.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Super-Absorbent Dry Hose

Carly Simon performs “Half a Chance” & “You’re So Vain”Note: Because Carly Simon was too shy to perform in front of a live audience, her musical appearance was pre-taped.

Note: One of the members of Carly Simon’s band was unable to perform, so Chevy Chase grabbed a cowbell and took his place.

Final DaysSummary: Pat Nixon’s (Madeline Kahn) diary entries chronicle Richard’s (Dan Aykroyd) last days in office.

Recurring Characters: Pat Nixon, Richard Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower, Henry Kissinger.

Note: The photo of Abraham Lincoln calls Richard Nixon a “dip” in the sketch, though, in the original script, he was to use the word “schmuck”, which was censored because it was believed the viewing public associated the word with penis.

Transcript

Gary Weis FilmSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Ray Charles’ “New York’s My Home” accompanies footage of sports fans around the city.

Chinatown

Imitations By KahnSummary: Madeline Kahn and Gilda Radner perform odd imitations.

Madeline Kahn performs “Lost In The Stars”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Claudine Longet Invitational

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Tryman…..Chevy Chase
Jessica Antlerdance…..Jane Curtin

[ This sketch is a parody of Claudine Longet, an actress and singer who began as Andy William’s wholesome wife and later lived a jet-set lifestyle, known for her trips to Cancun hotels and Dominican Republic hotels in the summer, Vale in the winter as well as flings with playboys. ]

Tom Tryman: Good afternoon, this is Tom Tryman!

Jessica Antlerdance: And this is Jessica Antlerdance!

Tom Tryman: And, of course, we’re here in Vale, Colorado, to cover the Claudine Longet Invitational! This is, of course, a men’s freestyle skiing competition!

Jessica Antlerdance: So, without further ado, let’s go to the slopes. Well, we certainly have a beautiful day for it, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Right you are, Jessica. And, of course, first out will be Helmut Kindle. Helmut is a 24-year-old Frenchman – I’m sorry, he’s a West German. And this is his second run of the day, I believe. He had an initial time of 41.8. Looking very good here.

Jessica Antlerdance: That’s right, Tom. But Helmut injured his ankle last month, and that’s bound to affect his performance here today.

Tom Tryman: He caught an edge there, but he seems to be okay, he’s in good shape.. actually, I think he’s a little..

[ a shot rings out, as Helmut falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! He seems to have been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet! Yes.. and I’m afraid Helmut Kindle is out of this race!

Jessica Antlerdance: Yes, it’s a shame, but that’s all part of the exciting world of professional skiing, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Well, he definitely seems out of it, Jessica, and I couldn’t agree more. Now, here comes the man to beat — we’re going to be seeing him in a second. Of course, Jean-Paul Baptiste. A 28-year-old civil engineer from Verne, Switzerland. And he’s strong, he’s agile, he’s got a great deal of power, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: He’ll need all the power he’s got on those mobiles, Tom.

Tom Tryman: Look at the way his legs absorb those shocks, as he manuevers his way down this bumpy terrain. There’s a very nice move there, a lot of spring, he’s really playing this hill.

Jessica Antlerdance: It’s easy to see why he won a Bronze Medal in Innsbrook. He’s a strong skiier, and a fierce competitor.

Tom Tryman: Mmm-hmm! Well, I would have to say, it’s a very fast time up to this point. Uh.. he’s doing very well – and there’s a very nice move – uh.. I would say, at this halfway point, he’s gonig to take third, or maybe even a second-place..

[ a shot rings out, as Jean-Paul falls into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!

[ Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..

[ second shot rings, as Jean-Paul falls back into the show ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he’s down! No, he’s down this time.. no, no! No, he’s getting up!

[ Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in diffivcult situations.

Tom Tryman: I can’t believe he’s going for the finish line.. and –

[ third shot rings out, Jean-Paul is down for good ]

Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again.. again, he’s been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he’s down to stay, Jessica.

Jessica Antlerdance: We’re running a little late, Tom, so let’s just cut to a few highlights of this event.

Tom Tryman: Alright, let’s do that.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Uh.. here, she mistakenly dropped her gun and it went off.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Jessica Antlerdance: Uh.. here, she was just showing the gun to a friend.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Yeah.. I think she was just cleaning her gun here, wasn’t she?

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: And, once again, of course, showing the un to a friend.

[ show skiier falling into the snow ]

Tom Tryman: Here, I think she just put the gun down in the snow, and it went off by mistake.

Jessica Antlerdance: That looked almost like skeet shooting!

[ Tom and Jessica laugh playfully ]

Tom Tryman: You must mean ski shooting!

[ Tom and Jessica laugh more sardonically ]

Tom Tryman: Oh, well. This has been Tom Tryman.

Jessica Antlerdance: And Jessica Antlerdance.

Tom Tryman: Here in Vale, Colorado, at the Claudine Longet Invitiational.

Jessica Antlerdance: Ski shooting, that’s very funny! [ laughs ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

[ Backstage, in a cobwebby corridor. Scred and Ploobis enter. ]

Ploobis: Oh, Mighty Favog! Are you in here anywhere?

[ Just offstage, The Mighty Favog coughs. ]

The Mighty Favog: I’M OVER HEAH!

Scred: He’s over here, chief.

Ploobis: I heard his voice…

Scred: Yeah, yeah. Oh wow!

[ They find The Mighty Favog sitting on a crate, abandoned and covered in cobwebs. ]

Ploobis: Oh! Oh, Mighty Favog!

The Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME.

Ploobis: Listen. Things are in a terrible state?

The Mighty Favog: YER TELLIN’ ME?

Ploobis: Listen. Our land of Gorch is gone forever.

Scred: Yeah, they burned our scenery.

Ploobis: They burned our scenery… we’re no longer booked on the show… and they said, they said we’re puppets, and we don’t even have a lower half. So what do we do?

The Mighty Favog: DON’T LOOK DOWN.

Scred: Ohhh… This is terrible! Our world is coming to an end!

The Mighty Favog: YA WANT YER GOD’S ADVICE?

Ploobis & Scred: Oh, please! Please!

The Mighty Favog: DON’T BEG… MY ADVICE IS —

Ploobis: Yeah?

The Mighty Favog: FORGET IT.

Scred: Huh?

Ploobis: Forget it? What do you mean, forget it?

The Mighty Favog: I MEAN FORGET IT. PACK IT IN. QUIT.

Scred: Oh, no. No, no.

Ploobis: We can’t do that.

The Mighty Favog: SURE YA CAN. LISTEN. YOU’RE ONLY PUPPETS. YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL. YOU JUST GET PUT AWAY IN THE TRUNK.

Ploobis: Oh! Oh! Scred — I can’t handle this, Scred.

Scred: Oh, Mighty Favog… where’s the trunk.

The Mighty Favog: IT’S RIGHT OVER THERE.

Ploobis: Oh, no! Not the trunk, anything but the trunk!

The Mighty Favog: IT DON’T HURT TO GET IN THE TRUNK. PUPPETS DON’T HAVE FEELINGS.

Ploobis: Oh… do you believe this is really happening?

The Mighty Favog: JUST OPEN IT UP, AND GET RIGHT IN…

Ploobis: It’s latched… just a sec…

[ They try to open a big prop trunk, but they have trouble… ]

The Mighty Favog: YA CAN’T OPEN IT, YOU’RE PUPPETS!

Ploobis: We’ll get it in a minute!

Scred: Just rip it open! You’re strong.

[ They manage to get the trunk open. ]

Scred: Oh, look! Everybody else is already in here! Hiya, Wisss! Haven’t seen you since November.

Ploobis: Oh, look at that.

[ Peuta pops up in the trunk. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! Where have you been?

Ploobis: Oh, it’s been one of those days, Peuta.

Scred: Everybody shove over, we’re comin’ in…

Peuta: Oh! Ploobis! You can’t get in here! There’s no room to breathe!

Ploobis: Peuta… you’re a puppet. You don’t breathe, you’re not alive.

Peuta: What?

Ploobis: Oh, I don’t want to talk about it. Just get down here…

Scred: Oh! Wait a minute, I’m not in yet!

Ploobis: Get in here, Scred… Oh! There’s Vazh… Hi there, Vazh, how are ya…

[ The trunk closes. The Mighty Favog is the only one left. ]

The Mighty Favog: NOW. IF I COULD JUST TALK THE PRODUCER INTO LETTING ME HOST THE SHOW… RAHHHHRRR…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

The Muppets

…..Raquel Welch
…..Chevy Chase

[ Backstage… Scred and Ploobis sneak in. ]

Scred: C’mon in, chief, the coast is clear.

Ploobis: Rrruhhr? Yeah. Gee, I wonder why they wouldn’t let us in the studio?

Scred: Mmm, I dunno. Probably the guard just didn’t recognize us.

Ploobis: Well, that’s very strange… cause they all know and love us! Everybody loves the Muppets!

Scred: [ unconvinced ] Mmm hmmm.

Ploobis: Here, listen, Scred — [ He grabs Scred by the neck and throttles him ] — We’re loveable! Never forget that, Scred! Mmmrrmm. [ He releases Scred. ]

Scred: Yes, oh affectionate one!

Ploobis: We’ll just have to find somebody and ask ’em when we come in the show, that’s all.

Scred: Hey, here’s somebody now.

[ Guest host Raquel Welch enters. ]

Raquel Welch: Well, hi there! You’re the Muppets, aren’t you?

Ploobis: Uh, yes, yes! That is indeed us, yes.

Raquel Welch: Oh, I always thought you people were so loveable.

Ploobis: Ya hear that, Scred? [ POW! ] That’s true, lady, yeah. We’re known far and wide for being loveable.

Scred: Hey, chief, that lady is Raquel Welch!

[ Ploobis turns and checks her out. ]

Ploobis: Oh… oh, yeah. Well, uh, ahem. Yeah. You sure are Raquel Welch… all over, aren’t you. Ahmmm.

[ Scred strokes her arm. ]

Scred: Feels like Raquel Welch, too!

Raquel Welch: Careful, there.

Ploobis: Uh. You know, uh. Ahem. You know, we Muppets are very, very loveable. I mean. [ He snuggles up to her. ]

Scred: [ whispering in her ear ] Relax, baby. Relax.

Ploobis: You know, as a matter of fact, until you’ve made it with a Muppet, uh…

[ Applause. Raquel laughs. ]

Raquel Welch: Uh, uh… wait a minute, lover. Are you talking about making love to me?

[ Ploobis and Scred giggle. ]

Ploobis: Well, uh… heh heh…

Raquel Welch: Because — you guys are just puppets, right? I mean, you don’t even exist below the waist.

Ploobis & Scred: Uh… well…

[ They look down, nervously. ]

Raquel Welch: I mean, all you are is the top half of a person, right?

Ploobis: Well, uh… yeah, but, uh…

Raquel Welch: So that kind of makes you just a lot of talk. All talk, right?

Scred: Well, I’m pretty good with my hands!

Raquel Welch: I’ve noticed.

[ Chevy Chase enters. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh… I’m sorry, boys. Ploobis, Scred?

Scred: Yeah?

Chevy Chase: You’re not on this week, I’m sorry.

Ploobis: Yeah, but we’re supposed to be… we work this show…

Chevy Chase: Yeah, I know, but I guess you didn’t get the call. I’m sorry, Raquel — is everything okay?

Raquel Welch: Oh, yeah, it’s okay. They’re just all talk anyway.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Hunnh. I’m leaving!

[ Ploobis exits. ]

Raquel Welch: Awww…

Scred: Oh, uh… I’m sorry about this, Raquel. And, uh, by the way, I just want to apologize for what I said before, because I can see you get hit on all the time.

Raquel Welch: Yeah, but never by a Muppet before.

Scred: Oh, well, if you’d like my number —

[ Chevy grabs Scred’s snout. ]

Chevy Chase: Scred? Scred? You’re not on this week. Okay?

[ He pushes Scred offstage. ]

Chevy Chase: I’m very sorry about that. They didn’t know, nobody gave them the call — I think the bees or the sharks are on, or something’s on, but you’re doing very well so far, everybody loves the show, the song was great, and uh, all I can say is, relax, and, uh, take your shirt off.

Raquel Welch: Well…

Chevy Chase: Well, Raquel, this is your right as an American. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do that.

Raquel Welch: All right. I don’t have to, right?

Chevy Chase: No, you don’t have to.

Raquel Welch: Cause this is a tasteful show with a lot of class, right?… Now, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to introduce to you a lovely lady, in fact, a genius in the world of contemporary music, Miss Phoebe Snow…

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18

75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Great Moments In Herstory

Jane Russell…..Raquel Welch Howard Hguhes…..Dan Aykroyd Skip Dixon…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] “Great Moments In Herstory”.

[ dissolve to close-up of haystack ]

Female Announcer: [ over text ] “It is the autumn of 1941. Jane Russell is cast in Howard Hughes’ motion picture “The Outlaw.” The mysterious billionaire aviation pioneer proves to her that his skill for design and invention is not only limited to flight aerodynamics.”

[ camera pans over to Jane Russell seated in front of the haystack ]

Jane Russell: Mr. Hughes — Howard — I’ve been waiting three hours and fifteen minutes. If you’re not out here in 10 seconds, you’ll be flying solo tonight!

Voice: Jane! It’s me, Howard. Guess what? Guess what?! Guess what!

Jane Russell: What?!

[ Hughes steps forward ]

Howard Hughes: I’m right here.

Jane Russell: Listen, Boss — you’d better pull this movie together. First you fired the director, hire yourself, then you don’t show up on the set for three weeks. You’re the most unprofessional Texas billionaire I’ve ever met.

Howard Hughes: [ grabbing her waist ] I love you, Jane! I love you! I love you! I have personally attained a land-speed of 565 miles-per-hour. Kiss me, baby!

[ Hughes holds a handkerchief between their lips and kisses Russell, then tosse the handkerchief over his shoulder ]

Jane Russell: Look — I’ve put in a lot of flying time with you, buddy, and you said you’d make me into a big star! Well, I want OUT of this cheap Western!

Howard Hughes: I love you, Jane! And do you know why I love you? I love you because the United States is soon going to be at war with the axis powers, and our love is MUCH more than being able to create a machine gun that can fire 400 rounds of 50-caliber ammunition per second! Ohhh, Jane! Our love is like an industry meeting the needs of war! Sex! War! Sex! War! Sex is what we need to save this picture, Jane!

Jane Russell: Sex? You hermit, I’m Jane Russell! [ she pushes Hughes away ] I’ve got the BEST gazongas in the business!

Howard Hughes: Gazongas. Gazongas! That’s it! A light so powerful, it could deflect off the moon! From relay station to relay station to Earth! Satellites and rockets! Gazongas! Chronic beams bouncing from planet to planet! Gazonga! Gazonga! Our men linked electronically! That’s why I have personally designed a brassiere for you!

Jane Russell: Oh, brother. Well, Boss, I go through bras like you go through socks, so, uh…

Howard Hughes: Well, this one’s going to change the look of women in film, Jane. Skip, bring out the bra! You’re gonna love this one, we’re on our way.

[ Skip wheels out a mechanical bra fitted with propellers ]

Howard Hughes: This is Skip Dixon, my most trusted Mormon welder.

Jane Russell: Howdy.

Howard Hughes: Start it up, Skip!

Skip Dixon: Okay.

[ Skip turns the bra on and the propellers start to spin ]

Howard Hughes: Alright, put it on, honey! [ to Skip ] Cut the motors, cut the motors!

Jane Russell: I can’t wear that thing!

Howard Hughes: Why not? It’s a 72-hour model. Wait’ll you feel the air!

Jane Russell: Well, it hasn’t even been safety-checked yet. My God!

Howard Hughes: Well, then, I’LL put it on! I know this thing is the BEST in its class! I’ve worked DAY and NIGHT to build this thing! Day and night! [ he pulls the bra over his clothes ]

Jane Russell: It needs to be safety-checked, Howard.

Skip Dixon: But, Boss, uh —

Jane Russell: It’s very dangerous, Howard!

Skip Dixon: Uh — uh —

Jane Russell: It could kill us all!

[ Hughes turns the bra on, which causes him to be thrust about the room with the propellers spinning ]

Jane Russell: Oh, my God! Oh!

Skip Dixon: BOSS! BOSS!

Jane Russell: Oh! Oh! Howard!

[ Hughes is wrestled to the ground, as the propellers continue to spin ]

Female Announcer: [ over text ] “Hughes tested the bra unsuccessfully several times. Finally an acceptable model was agreed upon and in 1946 “The Outlaw” was released and Jane Russell became the girl with the golden gazongas.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been another “Great Moment in Herstory”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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