Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes
Goodnights
…..Christoph Waltz
Christoph Waltz: Thanks to Alabama Shakes! Thanks to my friends from “SNL”! And thanks to YOU! You’re fabulous!
Category:
SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: Triumph Cruise
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes
Triumph Cruise
Dean…..Jason Sudeikis
Diana…..Cecily Strong
Reggie Davis…..Jay Pharoah
Victor LaStrange…..Bill Hader
Mike…..Tim Robinson
Dan the Animal Man…..Bobby Moynihan
The Captain……Fred Armisen
[ open on exterior, Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph — Tuesday ]
[ dissolve to interior, Fiesta Ballroom ]
Dean: Okay, hello! Hello, everyone! Okay? And, uh — folks, welcome back to the Fiesta Ballroom, here on the Carnival Cruise Triumph. Okay? I’m your Cruise Director — Dean. And this is my Assistant Cruise Director — Diana.
Diana: And, can I say, for people who have not showered in four days — you guys look great!
Dean: Yeah! Yeah, you do, yeah! And, hey, guys — Just because we’re stuck in the middle of the ocean, you know, with no working toilets… it doesn’t mean we can’t have some FUN! Alright?
Diana: Mmm-hmm!
Dean: Ah, but first — a tiny update.
Diana: Uh, yeah. Now, as we informed you yesterday, a tugboat is pulling us back to shore — which is GREAT news!
Dean: Yeah, it sure is. But, a slight snag. The tow line broke.
Diana: Waaa-waaaaah!
Dean: Yeah… yeah… okay. But dry those eyes and get ready to laugh! Because, up next — you knoe him from the Punchliner Comedy Brunch — please welcome ship comedian Reggie Davis! Reggie, come on out!
[ Reggie Davis steps forward ]
Reggie Davis: Yes, yes! What up! [ he laughs ] You know — If Chris Rock were here, I’d bet he’d say: [ as Chris Rock ] “Don’t anybody wanna go on a cruuuuise? You’re all gonna DIE on this boat!” What else, what else, what else, what else…? [ he puts his hand to his face ] I’m sorry. Okay? I can’t tell no more jokes. There’s DOOKY on the WALL, man! How does DOOKY get on the WALLS?!! How does it happen?!!
[ Diana pishes Reggie aside ]
Dean: Okay! Alright! Okay! Uh, that’s Reggie Davis, everyone! He’s a funny guy, right?
Diana: Yeah! And if anyone here is gonna be in Seattle next weekend, Reggie will be headlining at Funny Bone.
Dean: Hey, speaking of headlines — One of the helicopters flying above us dropped doqwn a couple of papers, so we thought we’d catch you up on what you missed this week, alright?
Voice: There is no God!
Dean: Hey! Hey, hey! There IS a God! There IS a God! He has NOT abandoned us, okay? Alright, let’s see what’s in the news. [ he glances at a newspaper ] Uh — the Pope resigned. Oh, Lord!
Diana: Oh, wait — okay. [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey, here’s soemthing fun: Norrth Korea successfully launched a… mmm-mmm! Nope!
Dean: [ he glances at a newspaper ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here we go! I got one! Oh, hey — You guys remember Oscar Pistorius? Huh? Remember that? The Olympic spritnter who ran on blades?
Diana: What an AMAZING story! So uplifting!
Dean: Absolutely! Well, it says here that… [ he glances at the newspaper and shakes his head ] Nope! No, no…
Diana: [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey! TThis is interesting! Okay, you guys might think you have it bad… but do you have it worse than [ reading ] “4,000 Stranded On Night Mare Cruise”… That is about US!
Dean: That’s us, yeah. Okay, that’s enough! Enough of the headlines! [ he tosses the newspaper aside ] Who likes MAGIC, huh? Okay, because mentalist Victor LaStrange is here to amaze you!
Diana: Victorrrrrr!!
[ victor LaStrange steps out ]
Victor LaStrange: Can I have a volunteer, please? [ he points ] You, Sir! [ Mike runs up ] What’s your name, Sir?
Mike: Mike.
Victor LaStrange: How you doing, Mike?
Mike: Real bad.
Victor LaStrange: Alright. Look into my eyes. [ Mike stares into his eyes ] You are a CHICKEN! [ he snaps his fingers, as Mike begins to cluck ] Now you’re MIKE! [ he snaps his fingers ]
Mike: Oh… [ he groans ] Oh, no! I’m back on this godforsaken boat! Make me into the chicken again! [ desperately ] I WANT TO BE THE CHICKEN!!
[ Diana rishes Victor and Mike away, as Dean resumes his duties ]
Dean: Guys, guys, guys, guys! Okay, thank you! Uh — whoo! Uh, that was kind of weird!
Voice: Turn us all into chickens!!
Diana: Okay, no! Guys… guys… It is not better to be a chicken than a person!
Dean: No! I mean, yeah, it’s bad here, but it’s not that bad! Okay?
Diana: Mmm-hmm!
Dean: Now, before we move on, we want to designate a few areas of the boat as toilets, okay? Alright? Uh, what have we got here? [ he glances at the log ] The Superstar Karaoke Bar… is now officially a toilet, okay?
Diana: Yeah. The, uh, the Blue Iguana Cantina is now a toilet.
Dean: Okay, just in time. Okay, good. And the Bonsai Sushi restaurant is… well, that;s still a sushi restaurant, so you’ll want to get in there soon before it becomes a toilet!
Diana: Hey, Dean!
Dean: Uh-huh?
Diana: You know what I think?
Dean: Uh-oh!
Diana: I think it’s about time Dan the Animal Man makes a visit!
Dean: That’s a GREAT call, Diana! What a REAL passenger favorite this guy is! He’s been delighting you all week — Please welcome Dan the Animal Man and his monkey Coco!
[ Dan steps out carrying a monkey skelaton ]
Dan the Animal Man: WHO ATE COCO?!! WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS?!!
Dean: Okay… alright… Gvie it up for Dan the Animal Man!
Dan the Animal Man: WE STILL HAVE FOOD!!!
[ Diana walks Dan aside ]
Dean: Okay! There we go! Alright, somebody ate Coco, huh? No, guys! No, guys!
Diana: Hey, guys? We all have to start behaving better.
Dean: That’s very true, okay? And on that note, I know some of you thought it would be funny — it was funny — to lie on the top deck upstairs and spell out the words KILL US” for the news helicopter? That’s not funny.
Diana: No, not funny at all.
Dean: Mmm-hmm. Don’t like it. We have to keep our heads up, and we can get through this thing together. Okay?
[ Diana is handed a note ]
Diana: Dean?
Dean: Yeah?
Diana: I just got some good news.
Dean: It’s about time!
Diana: I’ve been told we have a crew member who does a mean Michael Jackson!
Dean: Uh-oh, that sounds like fun! Bring him up here!
[ The Captain appears, wearing one silver glove, and performs some not-so-funky dance moves ]
Dean: Okay.,, wow. So, I don’t need to tell you guys that was the Captain, obviously, who is clearly going insane.
Diana: Okay, guys — that about wraps it up. Remember, only ten hours until we reach…. [ raising the roof ] Mo-bile, Al-a-ba-maaaaaa!
Dean: [ as a note is handed to him ] Okay, uh — well, now here’s some good news. alright?
Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”
SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: JaMarcus Brothers
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes
JaMarcus Brothers
Woman…..Cecily Strong
Man……Taran Kllam
Marcus JaMarcus……Kenan Thompson
Darnell JaMarcus……Jay Pharoah
Englebert JaMarcus…..Christoph Waltz
Woman: Its Friday night and me and my man are about to get all up and down sexy.
Man: Noice.
Woman: But I need something to get me in the mood, to make my body groove.
Marcus JaMarcus: I think we can help you there. Hello girl, were the JaMarcus Brothers.
Darnell JaMarcus: Im Darnell JaMarcus.
Marcus JaMarcus: And Im Marcus JaMarcus. I was named in a big ol hurry.
Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah! And were here to make your body tingle-tangle with our new CD full of songs like this:
Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, lets get down tonight.
Darnell JaMarcus: Hey girl!
Marcus JaMarcus: Baby, turn off all the lights.
Darnell JaMarcus: Turn off!
Marcus JaMarcus: Were gonna treat your booty right.
Darnell JaMarcus: So right girl!
Engelbert JaMarcus: Lets have sex like crazy!
Man: Hey! Who is that other guy?
Woman: Thats the third JaMarcus brother, Engelbert.
Man: Im confused.
Woman: Whats confusing? Some people have three children. And their songs are sexy, like this next track:
Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, you better lock the door.
Darnell JaMarcus: Yeah girl.
Marcus JaMarcus: Do it on the sink and flow.
Engelbert JaMarcus: I like that!
Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, were gonna get it on.
Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah!
Marcus JaMarcus: Making love till the break of dawn.
Engelbert JaMarcus: Im going to listen inside your butt!
Woman: Mmh, yeah! If you close your eyes, you can hardly tell which JaMarcus brother is an adopted white virgin.
Man: Im pretty sure I can tell.
Woman: Its not who you think.
Man: Is it Engelbert?
Woman: Okay, it is who you think. But you definitely cant tell who wrote which song. Songs like:
Female voice: Booty So Fine, Beggin for Dat Booty, Please Explain What We Do Now That Were Naked, Backside Nasty, Chocolate Lovin, Where Does My Penis Go? Point to Where, Freak in da Sheets, Lets Take a Shower, Ill Go First and Then You Can Go, Up Underneaf Dat and I Bet You Did Not Expect That Birthmark, I Apologize, But It Is Beyond My Control! I Was Born with It, Im Engelbert.
Man: Yeah, heres a question: are there songs with just two of the JaMarcus brothers?
Woman: I know what youre looking for. Heres a song with just Marcus and Engelbert.
Man: No, thats not what I was looking for.
Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get naked?
Engelbert JaMarcus: Ho, ha, yes!
Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get dirty?
Engelbert JaMarcus: I said yes!
Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get nasty?
Engelbert JaMarcus: And yes again!
Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna make love?
Engelbert JaMarcus: With our privates!
Female voice: So order now the JaMarcus Brothers CD Now Is the Time for a Tickle Fight, He He!.
Woman: And guess who named that CD?
Man: Engelbert did.
Woman: No, actually Darnell did.
Man: Oh weird?
Woman: Thanks JaMarcus Brothers, Im onna put on your CD right now and make love to my man.
Man: Actually no, I couldnt get a boner right now if I tried.
Male voice: The JaMarcus Brothers. Order today.
Submitted by: Jacques
SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: What Have You Become?
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes
What Have You Become?
Mack Montgomery…..Christoph Waltz
Donald Latimer…..Kenan Thompson
Patrick Vance…..Bill Hader
Meredith Fine…..Aidy Bryant
Donald’s Grandfather…..Jay Pharoah
Great-Grandma Ernestine…..Kate McKinnon
[ open on GSN graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching… The Game Show Network.
[ dissolve to game show set ]
Mack Montgomery: Hello! and welcome to America’s… newest game show. I’m your host — Mack Montgomery — and I just LOVE this game! Before we get started, let’s meet our thre contestants! First, it’s Donald Latimer.
Donald Latimer: Hey, Mack!
Mack Montgomery: Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Donald Latimer: Oh, sure thing! I’m a self-employed entrepreneur… and when I was little, I loved space… and now I have the highest score on Space Invaders in all of Alabama!
Mack Montgomery: Wow-how! That’s impressive! Next up is Patrick Vance. Patrick, tell us about yourself.
Patrick Vance: Well, I’m 38 years young! I was Valedictorian in high school and college, and — this is kind of embarrassing — I love Katy Perry! [ he laughs ] Last year, I saw her concert, like, a hundred times.
Mack Montgomery: Wow! That’s committment! Finally, we have Meredith Fine. Meredith, what’s going on with you?
Meredith Fine: Well, I live in Ontario, California! I have one beautiful daughter, who’s seventeen! And I like to knit, but I’m not very good! [ she laughs ]
Mack Montgomery: [ laughing along ] Okay! What a crew! Donald has the highest score on a video game, Patrick is Katy Perry’s superfan, and Meredith is decent at knitting. It’s time to play:
Audience: [ as graphic appears ] “What Have You Become?”
Mack Montgomery: Donald! You’re up first. Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”
[ soft piano music plays ]
Donald Latimer: Well, I, uh… [ he pauses and reflects with great horror ] Oh, my God…! I love space…! I could have been an astronaut! A self-employed entrepreneur — that’s not even REAL! I don’t DO anything!! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!!
[ buzzer ]
Mack Montgomery: Ohhh, sorry, Donald! Patrick, it’s your turn. You’ve paid for parking at a HUNDRED Katy Perry concerts —
Patrick Vance: [ proudly ] At least!
Mack Montgomery: Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”
[ soft piano music plays ]
Patrick Vance: [ he suddenly drops his smile ] Oh, God! My God! I follow Katy Perry on tour. I go alone. I tell everyone my daughter’s in the bathroom, but… I don’t have a daughter… What have I become?
[ buzzer ]
Mack Montgomery: Sorry, Patrick! We can’t accept that — and, Patrick.. Patrick… neither should you.
Patrick Vance: [ he nods ] I know…
Mack Montgomery: Alright, Meredith — you had a chance earlier to say ANYTHING about yourself, and you chose that you were bad at KNITTING! So your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”
[ soft piano music plays ]
Meredith Fine: [ smiling ] Okay! I see what you’re trying to do, Mack, but it’s not gonna work, so stop the music, okay? I always wanted to be a mom, and now I have a beautiful daughter and I’ve become exactly what I want!
[ ding ]
Mack Montgomery: Ah-ha! Good for you! Quick follow-up: Are you happy?
Meredith Fine: NO!! My daughter’s a BITCH!! [ she breaks into tears ]
[ buzzer ]
Mack Montgomery: Thought so! Okay, time for Round Two!
Donald Latimer: Uh, I don’t want to play if you’re gonna keep asking the same question!
Mack Montgomery: Of course not — that would be cruel! So, instead, to ask the questions — let’s bring out each of your oldest living relatives! First up, it’s Donald’s GRANDFATHER!
[ Donald does a double-take at his grandfather towering over him ]
Donald’s Grandfather: Donald! What have you become?
[ piano music swells ]
Donald Latimer: [ near crying ] Oh, God…! Grampy! You fought in TWO wars! Yesteray, I fought a parking ticket — and I LOST! [ crying ] What have I become?!!
[ buzzer ]
Mack Montgomery: Aw, rough day for Donald! Patrick, your question is a two-parter, and it comes from your Great-Grandma Ernestine!
Great-Grandma Ernestine: Patrick… What have you become?
Mack Montgomery: And the second part?
Great-Grandma Ernestine: [ holding up Patrick’s graduation photo ] What happened to this bright, young boy?
[ piano music swells ]
Patrick Vance: Uh… you knew Elenour Roosevelt… All I know is the name of Katy Perry’s cat. It’s “Kitty Purry“. [ he breaks into a pathetic cry ]
[ buzzer ]
Mack Montgomery: Awww, sorry, Patrick! Meredith, onto you.
Meredith Fine: You know what, Mack? How about I ask you a question?
Mack Montgomery: [ laughing nervously ] That’s not how the game works!
Meredith Fine: [ sternly ] What have you become?
Mack Montgomery: Well, uh… a GAME SHOW HOST…! [ his face turns serious, as piano music swells ] But I wanted to dance… “Mama! Let me dance!” “No, boy! You’ve got to go to Game Show School!” “But, Mama! My feet want to move!” “They belong behind a podium, boy!” “Mama! No!” [ buzzer sounds ] Oh, God…! What have I become?!! [ ] I want to dance! Let me fly!
Announcer: That’s all the time we have! Join us next week, for an all new “What Have You Become?”
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
February 16th, 2013
Christoph Waltz
Alabama Shakes
None
None
None Triumph CruiseSummary: Triumph Cruise directors (Jason Sudeikis, Cecily Strong) try to keep passengers calm with onboard entertainment as the situation deteriorates around them.
Transcript
Montage
Christoph Waltz’s Monologue
Summary: Despite being from Austria, Christoph Waltz endures German stereotype gags, then sings the Austrian favorite “Smile, Damn You, Smile!”
What Have You Become?Summary: Game show format examines the empty lives of its host (Christoph Waltz) and contestants (Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Aidy Bryant).
Transcript
Papal Securities
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) gives retiring Pope Benedict XVI (Christoph Waltz) the kind of financial advice he needs to survive on a fixed income.
Transcript
Tiffy
Summary: At a party, Tiffy (Nasim Pedrad) always comes in late to the conversations of her social peers.
Djesus Uncrossed
Summary: In a new movie by Quentin Tarantino, Jesus (Christoph Waltz) rises from the dead and conquers his enemies with a deadly sword.
Transcript
JaMarcus BrothersSummary: Couple (Cecily Strong, Taran Killam) enjoys the romantic soul stylings of the JaMarcus Brothers Marcus (Kenan Thompson) and Darnell (Jay Pharoah), but cringe at the inexperienced stylings of their adopted white brother Englebert (Christoph Waltz).
Transcript
Alabama Shakes performs “Hold On”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Sen. Marco Rubio (Taran Killam) explains his awkward water grab while rebutting President Obama’s State of the Union Address. Russian native Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) comments on the meteorite that exploded over Russia this week. ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) screams his comments about the turbulent season for the L.A. Lakers.
Recurring Characters: Stephen A. Smith.
Regine at the Club
Summary: While at a trendy club, Louis (Christoph Waltz) introduces his friends to his new girlfriend Regine (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: Regine.
Fox & Friends
Summary: Steve Doocey (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer), and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) discuss President Obama’s State of the Union Address with Ted Ngugent (Bill Hader), then question U.K. Food Standard agent (Fred Armisen) about England’s horsemeat scandal.
Recurring Characters: Steve Doocey, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Ted Nugent.
Alabama Shakes performs “Always Alright”
Secret Admirer Letter
Summary: Jennifer (Cecily Strong) is creeped out by a poorly-written secret admirer letter, unaware that it was sent by Dimitri (Christoph Waltz) the shy foreign security guard in her office.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
SNL Transcripts: Justin Bieber: 02/09/13: Super Bowl XLVII
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 13
Super Bowl XLVII
James Brown…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah
Dan Marino…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill Cowher…..Tim Robinson
Steve Tasker…..Taran Killam
Dimitri…..Bill Hader
[ open on Super Bowl XLVII graphics ]
Announcer: We now return to the Super Bowl, on CBS!
[ dissolve to game booth ]
James Brown: Welcome back to the Super Dome! I’m James Brown, here with Dan Marino and Coach Bill Cowher and Shannon Sharpe. For those of you just tuning in — twenty minutes ago, there was a power surge that knocked out a number of lights in the building. and we’ve been told the game will NOT resume for another fifteen minutes.
Shannon Sharpe: [ incredulous ] Another fifteen minutes?! That’s what they said fifteen minutes ago! Don’t make us watch those First Half highlights again! I can’t watch those again!!
James Brown: Alright, well, no reason to panic, Shannon. There’s plenty to talk about.
Dan Marino: Is there? Because I’m running on FUMES, man!
Bill Cowher: We did a SIX-HOUR pre-game! What more is there to say?
James Brown: Just be cool. [ he chuckles nervously ] Now, for another update on the situation, we throw it back down to our own Steve Tasker, who’s on the sidelines! Steve?
[ cut to Steve ]
Steve Tasker: Well, not much new to report, J.B. The lights went out, and now they’re trying to get them back on. Some players are stretching… Some are not. And as a favor, I’d like to ask you NOT to come back to me, because I have NOTHING to add! Back to you, J.B.!
[ return to the game booth ]
James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks, Steve. [ a beat ] That seems like it’s been about fifteen minutes, huh? [ he glances off-camera ] No? It’s been less than one minute? Oh. Okay! Well, uh — as a reminder, tomorrow on CBS, it’s “2 Broke Girls”. “2 Broke Girls”! Very funny show! Now, Bill, as an ex-coach, who do you think is helped by the blackout?
Bill Cowher: Well… as I’ve said seven times in the last fifteen minutes… I can see it having advantages for both sides. [ James Brown is stone-faced ] That’s… all I’ve got, J.B. I am real sorry, pal, but that is all I’ve got.
James Brown: Alright. Well, Dan, what do you think the quarterbacks are thinking?
Dan Marino: Well, if I’m Colin Kaepernick, I’m thinking, “We need to score some points.” And if I’m Joe Flacco, I’m thinking, “Let’s keep this lead!”
James Brown: Wow! Wow! Wow! Oh, that was great, Dan! You should save that one for your REEL!
Dan Marino: Hey, come on!
James Brown: Now, Shannon, you’ve played in some Super Boels. What are the players thinking right now?
Shannon Sharpe: Well… This is only conjection, but if I’m out there and there’s been NO power for TWENTY minutes, I start to think: “Who on this team are we gonna eat first?” The obvious choice is the punter, because he’ll be the easiest to catch. But, then, if you need a punter later in the game, you don’t have one because you ATE him! So…
James Brown: You started thinking about that after twenty minutes? [ he stares into the camera ] What do you get when you cross two ladies, a cupcake shop, and no money? “2 Broke Girls”! Tomorrow on CBS! [ he chuckles ] It’s a very funny show! [ a sheet of paper is handed to him ] Oh, thank God! Our research team has just handed me… [ he glances down ] anagrams of some of the players’ names. [ he gives a dirty look off-camera ] Alright. Well, the letters in Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith’s name can be re-arranged to spell “Hermit Story”. Uh… Vernon Davis can be… “Vain Vendors”. And Colin Kaepernick is “Cocaine Kelp Rink”. [ he glances off-camera ] You serious about this? Alright, we’ll be right back after this commercial break.
[ cut to low-budget commercial of a guy dancing to techno music ]
Dimitri: I’m Dimitri, and I want to dance at your next party!
[ SUPER: “555-0199” ]
[ return to the game booth ]
James Brown: I’d like to offer a quick apology. I’ve been told we’ve run out of proper commercials, and had to show a WEIRD one. Anybody else got a question?
Shannon Sharpe: I do. I do. Uh — When the clock in the stadium stops… do we stop aging?
James Brown: What?! [ he glances at the camera ] Caroline visits a psychic to learn about her romantic future, on an all new… “2 Broke Girls”! “2 Broke girls”! If it ain’t broke, don’t watch it! That’s a funny show! In fact… can we watch it now? [ he glances off-camera ] No? Alright. Oh! I’ve just received word that our own STEVE TASKER on the sidelines has some new information! Steve!
[ cut to Steve ]
Steve Tasker: I don’t know who told you that, J.B. And I’m willing ot bet that YOU made it up! Suffice it to say, I have NO new information — Back to you, J.B.
[ return to the game booth ]
James Brown: [ shifty-eyed ] Back to you, Steve.
[ return to Steve ]
Steve Tasker: [ fuming ] You can’t “Back to you” me, I just “Back to you”ed YOU! Back to YOU!!
[ return to game booth ]
James Brown: And right back to you!
[ return to an empty space ]
James Brown: Oh, you son of a — [ he pounds his fist ] So, Dan — uh, news came out this week that you fathered a child, uh, in an extramarital affair —
Dan Marino: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! We agreed that that was off-limits!!
James Brown: That was BEFORE, Dan Marino!!
Dan Marino: Oh, come on!
James Brown: This is a NEW WORLD now!! We have to fill AIR TIME now! We all gonna have to ADMIT to some stuff!!
Dan Marino: Okay, then — why don’t YOU admit to something?!
James Brown: Fine! I’ve never seen the show “2 Broke Girls”! I mean, I’ve seen actual broke girls! But they didn’t look like pretty white girls in aprons! Shannon! Go!
Shannon Sharpe: Okay. Ray Lewis knows who killed those people, because it was HIM!!
James Brown: OH!! That is JOT true! That is NOT true!
Shannon Sharpe: I had to say something! I HAD TO!!
[ suddenly, the lights come back on ]
James Brown: Oh! Oh! Oh, and the lights are back on!
Shannon Sharpe: Okay… okay, I really need to leave this game before Ray is done, okay? I really need to leave!
James Brown: Alright. Well, we’ll be back with the second half after this, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”
SNL Transcripts: Justin Bieber: 02/09/13
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 13]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
February 9th, 2013
Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber
None
Whoopi Goldberg
Micahel Patrick O’Brien Super Bowl XLVIISummary: Super Bowl commentators James Brown (Kenan Thompson), Dan Marino (Jason Sudeikis), Bill Cowher (Tim Robinson) and Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharoah) try to fill the awkward silence when the power suddenly goes out at the Superdome.
Transcript
Montage
Justin Bieber’s Monologue
Summary: Justin Bieber attempts to woo girls in the audience with his inadequate knowledge of Black History Month trivia.
The Californians
Summary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) dates Devin’s (Bill Hader) estranged wife (Cecily Strong), showcases canyon paintings, and counsels a runaway teen (Justin Bieber) among overexaggerated valley accents and driving directions within every conservation.
Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Rosa, Trey.
Bieber Doubles
Summary: Snot-nosed Justin Bieber isn’t impressed with the team of body doubles assembled by his head of security (Jason Sudeikis).
Bravo
Summary: An unnecessary preview of some of the many other “Real” series coming soon to Bravo.
Justin Bieber performs “As Long As You Love Me”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: After his bones were recently discovered, King Richard III’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) defend his tyrannical nature while quietly airing his dirty laundry. Corey, the one Black guy in every commercial (Kenan Thompson), comments on how thrilling it is to lead that cliched lifestyle.
50’s Romance
Summary: Billy Zuccarelli (Justin Bieber) woos Angie (Cecily Strong) in the style of the world’s worst “Grease” spoof.
The Miley Cyrus Show
Summary: Now an adult, Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) attempts a more mature style to her talk show as she gabs with Justin Bieber fan Pete DeFalco (Justin Bieber).
Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Bill Ray Cyrus.
Protective Brother
Summary: When Heather (Nasim Pedrad) brings her new boyfriend Michael (Justin Bieber) home to meet the family, her older brother Eddie (Taran Killam) acts overprotective of her, especially after the hapless lad accidentally combines the words “glad” and “nice” into an awkward “Glice” greeting.
A Sexy Valentine’s Day Message
Summary: Justin Bieber arrogantly offers a video guide to how he treats the ladies on Valentine’s, with a little over-the-top crudemess from a guy known as Taco (Bobby Moynihan).
Justin Bieber performs “Nothing Like Us”
Valentine’s Dance
Summary: Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) and others make announcements at the Valentine’s Abstinence Dance organized by Social Committee Head Bryce Dunham (Justin Bieber).
Recurring Characters: Principal Frye, Steve Kane.
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Inauguration Night
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 12
12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar
Inauguration Night
Aide…..Taran Killam
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on exterior, White House, Inauguration Night ]
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama relaxing in front of the fireplace, as Aide hands him a tall flask of beer ]
Aide: Can I get you anything else, Mr. President?
President Barack Obama: Uh, no, I’m fine. Thank you for everything.
Aide: Well, good night, Mr. President, and congratulations again. That was very moving, having your Inauguration fall on Martin Luther King Day.
President Barack Obama: Uhhh, yes, uh… that was, uh, that was pretty special.
[ Aide exits, as Obama sips his beer ]
President Barack Obama: [ toasting himself ] To four more years!
[ the clock chimes, as a huge puff of smoke appears ]
Voice: Barack! Barack Obama!
[ the Ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. steps forward ]
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: It is I, the Reverand Martin Luther King, Jr.! And I have come to visit with you, on the night of this historic Inauguration!
President Barack Obama: This is incredible! Dr. King, there’s so much I want to discuss with you!
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: And I with you, Barack! Please, have a seat.
[ they lean back in their chairs ]
President Barack Obama: So, uh… tell me, Dr. King, uh — Have I lived up to the promise in your legacy? Are we on the right track for our nation?
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Oh, we’ll get to all that, Barack. We’ll get to that. But, uh, first things first — Did you, uh… did you see that girl Beyonce?
President Barack Obama: Uh, excuse me?
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: That girl Beyonce! Did you see her out there? ‘Cause I was like, [ high-pitched ] “Whaaaaaattt?!”
President Barack Obama: Well, Beyonce… well, yes, Sir, she’s a very beautiful woman.
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Beautiful?! [ he chuckles ] Raquel Welch was “beautiful”. Beyonce is like, “Daaaaaamnnn!!” I had to keep pinching myself — I thought I was having another one of my “famous” dreams!
President Barack Obama: Dr. King, she was there to sing our National Anthem.
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Was she, though? “Access Hollywood” would beg to differ.
President Barack Obama: “Access Hollywood”?
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Yeahhhhh, they said she was lip-synching! And I was like, “And I care, why? #JayZis1LuckyMan!””
President Barack Obama: Dr. King, uhhhh… can we please discuss MORE important issues? Uhhhhh… there are very real changes facing this nation!
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, speaking of change — What’s up with Michelle’s bangs?
President Barack Obama: I’m sorry?
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Her baaaaaaaangs!! What, is she guest-starring on “The New Girl”? [ he chuckles to himself ] When she finally gets those bangs cut, she’s gonna be like, “I can see at last! THank God Almighty, I can see at last!!”
President Barack Obama: [ outraged ] Dr. King!!
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Ohhhhh, really?! Come on! Relax! I’m joking around! Can’t we just be two guys talking real for a second? Why do I have to be serious and stately for all of eternity? And, besides — Today is my day off! [ he laughs ] You get it? Martin Luther King Day!
[ Aide knocks and re-enters the room ]
Aide: Uh, Mr. President? Is everything okay in here? I heard voices.
President Barack Obama: [ nervously ] Uh, uh, uh, yeah. I was just thinking out loud. I’m good.
[ Aide exits ]
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: [ annoyed ] Man, WHY you making rxcuses to him?! Just be like, “I’m the first Black president! Shut the Hell up and go to sleep!”
President Barack Obama: Dr. King, do you have any serious advice for me?
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Oh, yes, I do! Yes, I do! You’re doing a good job, Barack. I’m proud of you. But, there’s still work to do. You’re he first Black president, but we’re STILL waiting for our first Black magician… There hasn’t been a Black King of England… and, uh, it is 2013 and there’s still not a single Black child in the band One Direction.
President Barack Obama: I mean, do you think there are any that want to be?
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: Probably not. Probably not, no. But, tonight, enjoy yourself! You have EARNED it.
President Barack Obama: Thank you, Dr. King. [ he extends his hand ]
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: You’re welcome. [ he stands ] And, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go visit Cornel West and tell him to TAKE IT DOWN about 30 notches. So, uh…
President Barack Obama: Here we go.
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: You want to do this together?
President Barack Obama: Uh…
Ghost of Martin Luther KIng, Jr.: I mean, it’s not every day they let a Black GHOST open the show!
President Barack Obama: Okay, uh… well, let’s do it!
Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!”
SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Adam Levine’s Monologue
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 12
12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar
Adam Levine’s Monologue
…..Adam Levine
…..Andy Samberg
…..Cameron Diaz
…..Jerry Seinfeld
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Adam Levine!
Adam Levine: Thank you very much! WOW! What a tremendous honor — [ a woman in the audience Whoos ] Thank you! Wow! What a tremendous honor to be here hosting “Satuday Night Live”. I’ve been here with my band Maroon 5 before, but this time it is JUST me! And because, like all successful singers, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would overreach and try acting. Also, I’ve been a coch on “The Voice” for the last two years. So, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] So, tonight, I just hope you don’t judge me too harshly.
[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Andy Samberg in a smoking jacket and pipe ]
Andy Samberg: Fat chance, loser!
Adam Levine: Samberg! What are you doing here?
Andy Samberg: I could ask myself the same question.
Adam Levine: What?
Andy Samberg: That was, as they say, a joke. And it’s literally one of TENS of jokes I could teach you — if you join my team.
Adam Levine: Wait a second… Andy, you want to coach me?
Andy Samberg: That’s right. Yuo need my wisdom. After all, I was in over a hundred Digital Shorts, as well as three live sketches. And I’ve dealt with my fair share of singers-turned-actors — Timberlake, whatever…
Adam Levine: Yeah, we get it, we get it… whatever.
Andy Samberg: The point is: Let me coach you. We have so much in common: We’ve both slept with between two and and five-hundred women… and we both have angelic singing voices. [ singing ” ” ] “This! Voice! Is as good as yours! Oh, yeah!” [ the audience applauds ] I rest my case.
Adam Levine: Don’t clap for that; that was terrible singing. Well, I — you know, I guess, Andy, if you think you can help —
[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Cameron Diaz in vintage wear ]
Cameron Diaz: Not… so… fast.
[ the audience cheers wildly ]
Adam Levine: Cameron! Cameron!
Cameron Diaz: [ whooping it up ] Yayyyyyyy!! Oh, yeah! I’m the Aguilera of the group, I’m high-energy, I love everything, and I never put my hands down!
Adam Levine: Wait… so… Cameron, you want to coach me?
Cameron Diaz: That’s right, Adam. And if you want to succeed in comedy, you have to check your pride at the door. You have to be willing to fall down, you have to be willing to shake your butt. You have to be willing to take a handful of Ben Stiller’s spooch, and put it right in your hair, and spike it up like a mohawk!
Adam Levine: R-really?
Andy Samberg: Hey, we’ve all done it, so…
Cameron Diaz: Wait, when did you do it?
Andy Samberg: [ smiling nervously ] Ah, I was just saying stuff!
Cameron Diaz: Adam, listen — I have hosted before. So, trust me, the first thing that you should do as a host… is take off your shirt.
Adam Levine: Whaaaatt?!
Cameron Diaz: Your shirt! Just take it off!
Adam Levine: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. When you hosted, did you take your shirt off?
Cameron Diaz: Listen… what happens off-camera is not important. The important thing is: Lose the shirt.
Andy Samberg: I would… Yes. I would also suggest losing the shirt — from a “comedy” standpoint. [ he pulls up a bottle of lotion and squirts his left hand ]
Adam Levine: Guys… guys… Everyone, calm down — epecially Samberg. Calm down. I’m NOT taking my shirt off.
[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Jerry Seinfeld ]
Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right! He’s NOT taking his shirt off!
Adam Levine: Jerry Seinfeld! Wow!
Jerry Seinfeld: [ with bite ] Hellooooo, Adam.
Adam Levine: Wait… wait a minute. You… want to help me… host?
Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right, Adam! I should be your coach! I get you — Appealing, not as Jewish as your name… I know that tacket inside and out! I spent NINE years on THIS netowrk threading that needle. And I had to work HARD at it. I didn’t have an “interesting” look — like some people! [ he glares at Samberg and Diaz ]
Cameron Diaz: Wait… “Interesting”?
Andy Samberg: That’s fair for me. That’s fair.
Jerry Seinfeld: So, please, Adam… When it comes to your coemdy, be smart, be clever, be one step ahead of the audience! THAT’S where you use your Jewishness. You never rub their nose about how you’re one step ahead of them — and that goes for ALL Jews, by the way. So, please, whatever you do, DON’T take your shirt off!
[ by now, Levine has done just that, and the women in the audience are beside themselves ]
Adam Levine: Thank you! Thank you! That’s GREAT advice! Great advice, Jerry, thank you. We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight! Kendrick Lamar is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!
SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 12
12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar
Goodnights
…..Adam Levine
Adam Levine: Thanks to Kendrick Lamar, Andy Samberg, Cameron Diaz, and Jerry Seinfeld! Good night. [ he shakes his head ]