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SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Pregnant in Heels

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 20

Pregnant in Heels

Announcer…..Seth Meyers
Rosie Pope…..Abby Elliott
Shoshanna Bunt…..Tina Fey
Shoshanna’s husband…..Taran Killam
LT…..Jay Pharoah

[open on BRAVO ident, followed by Pregant In Heels titles and establishing shots of New York and Rosie Pope]

Announcer: This week on BRAVO: it’s an all new Pregnant in Heels

[Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: Hi! I’m Rosie Pope Matehnity Conciehge.

[Exterior and interior shots of Rosie Pope’s shop]

[Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: I provide mah pregnant clients with anything they wahnt. No matter how extreme.

[Rosie Pope hands a Martini glass to a pregnant woman, then proceeds to hold a miniature Martini glass under her skirt]

Announcer: And she’s got her work cut out for her with millionaire mummy-to-be: Shoshanna Bunt.

Shoshanna Bunt: I’m the president of ‘Shoshanna Bunt PR’, we are a PR firm that represents other PR firms. I love being pregants [sic]! I’ve already lost 35 pounds.

[She applauds herself with false humility]

[Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Announcer: Watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.

Shoshanna’s husband: I’m sorry what’s wrong with your voice?

Rosie Pope: Well, I was born in England, then moved to America and every morning a thousand bees sting my tahngue.

Announcer: And – lots of demands!

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie, when my baby is born I wanna make sure that the delivery room is, like, total VIP. No randos!

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No uglies.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No fatties.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No docties that’s doctors.

Rosie Pope: Whoa.

Shoshanna Bunt: And I wanna have a water birth, but instead of water I want diet coke.

[Sound of record scratching. Rosie Pope and Shoshanna Bunt exchange tense looks.]

Announcer: And! We have this guy!

[Cut to LT in Rosie’s shop, holding up a tiny shirt with ASS printed on it.]

[Cut to testimonial]

LT: I am not a person, as I am a collection of choices.

[Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Shoshanna Bunt: I just found out that babies are born naked, which is disgusting!

Rosie Pope: Yah. I’m way ahead of you.

[She holds up a stick with a tiny stylish hat, tiny tie and tiny waistcoat attached to it]

Rosie Pope: Prop your legs up and I’ll get this outfit to the bahbyh.

[Shoshanna does]

Rosie Pope: Don’t worry. It’s just like building a ship in a bottahl.

[Rosie starts aiming the stick at Shoshanna]

Announcer: Plus: we’ll pad the boring moments with signature BRAVO music.

[Cut to Rosie, Shoshanna and husband exchanging looks for a minute, while BRAVO’s signature music plays.]

Announcer: And cuts to a dog!

[Cut to a dog]

[Cut back to Shoshanna, back to the dog, back to Rosie Pope]

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie’s the best. She even got a celebrity to make a personal appearance in my ultrasound.

[Cut to a picture of Shoshanna’s ultrasound with Kanye West next to the fetus]

[Cut to exterior of a hospital]

Announcer: Rosies’s even there on the big day!

[Cut to delivery room. Rosie and LT stand by Shoshanna as she gives birth. Rosie lets out a distressed Whoooaaa as the doctor delivers the baby.]

Doctor: It’s a boy!

Shoshanna Bunt: Don’t cut the cord, I might wanna return it.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: [distracted by her ring] Thanks, Rosie!

Rosie Pope: You’re wahlcome!

LT: I did not help at all!

[Cut to ‘Pregnant In Heels’ titles]

Announcer: ‘Pregnant In Heels’! Only on BRAVO! Right after an all new ‘Loud Old Bitches’ and ‘America’s Next Dumb Gay Guy’!

Submitted by: Bon Nitsch

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Hallmark “Mother” Collection

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 20

Hallmark “Mother” Collection

Man…..Paul Brittain

[ open on Man addressing a Mother’s Day card at his kitchen table ]

Announcer: It’s Mother’s Day. And there’s no better way to express your feelings than Hallmark.

[ the man places the card in front of a vase of roses on the kitchen counter ]

Announcer: Because every mother is special — but your mother is most special of all.

[ Mother enters the kitchen and picks up the card addressed to her ]

Announcer: Because it’s you… in a dress.

[ reveal man dressed as his mother and smiling ]

Announcer: Introducing… the Hallmark “Mother” Collection. For weirdos. Because you’re not just a good son… you’re also a wonderful mother.

[ “Mother” hugs the homemade card, then places it on the refrigerator next to a lock of hair ]

Announcer: So show yourself you care. Because your mother will never leave you as long as you keep dressing like her… and talking like her… and being a good boy.

Because you’re crazy — about Mother.

The Hallmark “Mother” Collection. Available this Mother’s Day.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 20

Goodnights

…..Tina Fey

Tina Fey: Thanks to Ellie Goulding, Maya Rudolph, Darrell Hammond, Michael Bolton! Jeff Richmond, for the music and for letting me have another kid. And everyone have a great Happy Mother’s Day — be nice to your mother tomorrow!

[ Maya Rudolph laughs snidely ]

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates Debate

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 20

GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates Debate

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jimmy McMillan…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fox News slide ]

Announcer: And now, a special Fox News presentation. Live, at Daniel Webster College in ??, New Hampshire, it’s the 2012 Republican Presidential Undeclared Candidates Debate. With your host… Shepard Smith.

[ dissolve to Shepard Smith ]

Shepard Smith: I’m Shepard Smith. My voice is both reassuring and deeply unsettling. [ he smiles maniacally ] Welcome to this week’s second GOP debate. On Thursday, five official Republican candidates squared off in South Carolina. The debate included Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santora — and I’m gonna stop there before I fall asleep! Why don’t we shift from the candidates we don’t know much about, to the candidates we wish we knew less about. Please welcome former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ he nods ] Aw, gee whiz… I’ve been smiling for the last four years, but, I… I haven’t been happy once! [ he chuckles nervously ]

Shepard Smith: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: I love the 90’s!

Shepard Smith: Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

Michele Bachmann: [ facing the side of her podium ] It’s a pleasure to be here!

Shepard Smith: Current famous person Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin: It’s just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. And I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won’t twist my words by repeating them verbatim.

Shepard Smith: The Andrew “Dice” Clay of the real estate world — Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: The ratings for tonights debate are gonna to be HUGE! As big as last Sunday’s “Apprentice”, where Star Jones got so mad she almost popped a staple! Plus, at the end, we finally killed Osama bin Laden. Osama, boom, youre fired!

Shepard Smith: Finally, he was uninvited but fought his way through security and refuses to leave. Former New York gubernatorial candidate and current member of the Podium’s Too Damn Expensive Party — Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: Allow me to reintroduce myself! My name is Jimmy McMillan, and I believe, with the help of America’s voters, I can be this nation’s LAST Black president!

Shepard Smith: We begin with Mitt Romney. Mr. Romney, you ran and lost in 2008. What makes you think you have a chance this time?

Mitt Romney: Well, people say a lot of things about Mitt Romney. They say I’m rich and disconnected, they say I’m a dead fish. They say I look like a villain in a Lifetime movie: [ waving his hands ] “Look out, Meredith Baxter-Birney! I’m gonna get you! Aiiiggghhhh!! What am I doing, why won’t they let me talk?” [ he chuckles nervously and shrugs ]

Shepard Smith: Good question! Newt Gingrich. You’re never gonna be president, and I have a feeling you don’t really want to be. Would you like to duck out early?

Newt Gingrich: [ he nods ] Yeah, I’d love to!

[ Gingrich jumps down from his podium and waves goodbye to everyone, even high-fiving Jimmy McMillan on his way out ]

Shepard Smith: Bye, Newt! Michele Bachmann. When MSNBC wants to scare liberals into caring about elections, they have you on as a guest. How can you win over the independent voters?

Michele Bachmann: Shepard, I’m hoping to establish a “Fatal Attraction” situation with America. At first I will come off as intense, and even a little bit sexy. [ she turns to pose seductively, as the camera zooms closer ] Over time the intensity will become overwhelming, and you’ll begin to fear what I will do if you make me angry. A crazy woman untethered can be a dangerous thing. Cars get keyed, boxes of excrement will be found on your doorstep. You’ll decide it’s just safer to marry me so you can keep an eye on me. America? I challenge you to a staring contest. And it begins… now. [ she stares intensely at the camera ]

Shepard Smith: Mark me down as scared AND horny! [ he smiles mischieviously ] Sarah Palin. Many thought you need to bone up on policy in order to be a serious candidate in 2012. Instead, you seem to have done the opposite, focusing on reality television and Twitter. What, if anything, new do you have to offer the American people?

Sarah Palin: Well, first I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world’s great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric. As for boning up on experience and policy, I’m planning a trip to the Middle East where I will be filming a cameo in “Hangover 3: The Third Hangover”. Those fellows go to a bar, and I’m there! I also recently purchased Rosetta Stone: English. But the important thing for people to know is that Im going to be running for president every four years for the rest of my life! Its my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers!

Shepard Smith: Donald Trump. Go!

Donald Trump: [ standing behind a gold podium ] You’re welcome! [ he pauses ] You know theres a great American movie called “Citizen Kane”. Its about a man who kicks ass and makes a TON of money! I havent seen the ending of this movie but I assume it ends with him happy AND president. I want to be your Citizen TRUMP! And if you criticize me, just remember: Youre rubber and Im gold, so whatever you say doesnt matter because Im gold and youre losers. [ he turns to Palin ] Except you. Sarah Palin, I like you. [ she cocks her finger at him ] If you want to be my vice-president, all you have to do is sell more chili than NeNe Leakes over the course of a hot summer day in Times Square. To conclude: This is a great time for this nation’s greatest man — ME! “Celebrity Apprentice”, Sundays at 9pm, only on NBC! Bing-bong-boom! You’re fired! I’m hired, as President. You’re fired! “The Apprentice”!

Shepard Smith: Finally, Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: [ standing behind a cardboard podium ] First, I want to address those in the Birther Movement who claim that I was born a billy goat. Your suspicions are confirmed. PART C! I have recently received intelligence that Osama bin Laden is hiding in the ocean! So I will not rest until I find him! [ he holds up a scuba mask ] So this Mother’s Day, vote for ME: The Black Lorax! Noww let this debate… BEGIN!!

Shepard Smith: That concludes tonight’s debate. In closing, I would like to congratulate Barack Obama on his re-election. I’m Shepard Smith, and I’m a silly little catfish! Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 20

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Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

May 7th, 2011

Tina Fey

Ella Goulding

None

Maya Rudolph

Darrell Hammond

Michael Bolton

Akiva Schaffer

Jorma Taccone

Osama bin Laden Video WillSummary: In pre-taped footage, Osama bin Laden (Fred Armisen) reads his ironic last will and testament.

Recurring Characters: Osama bin Laden.

Transcript

Montage

Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Expectant mothers Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph perform a duet for their unborn children (Kristen Wiig, Kenan Thompson).

GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates DebateSummary: The offputting nature of Sarah Palin (Tina Fey), Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) and other Republican long-shots during an undeclared candidates debate almost assures victory for the Democrats in 2012.

Recurring Characters: Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Shepard Smith, Newt Gingrich, Jimmy McMillan, Michele Bachmann.

Transcript

Below The WavesSummary: In a knock-off of “The Little Mermaid”, a happy musical performance by an underwater princess (Tina Fey) and her sea creature friends is disrupted by the floating dead body of Osama bin Laden.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The Lonely Island looks forward to laying down a track with Michael Bolton, but the singer is more obsessed with singing about “Jack Sparrow” and “The Pirates of the Carribbean” than a hip-hop club beat.

Transcript

Ellie Goulding performs “Lights”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: The Devil (Jason Sudeikis) comments on the death of Osama bin Laden, who’s already making an ass of himself in Hell. Muammer Gaddafi’s two best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) try to defend him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. City Correspondent Stefon (Bill Hader) on Mother’s Day tips.

Recurring Characters: The Devil, Stefon.

Birthing SeminarSummary: Parents-to-be endure viewing a supposedly outdated birthing video that proves to be more nauseating than educational.

Bedelia’s SleepoverSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad invites her mom (Tina Fey) to attend a teenage sleepover with her.

Recurring Characters: Bedelia, Bedelia’s Mother.

Ellie Goulding performs “Your Song”

Pregnant in HeelsSummary: Pregnancy coach Rosie Pope (Abby Elliott) prepares Shoshanna Bunt (Tina Fey) for a glamorous delivery.

Transcript

Googie Rene’s Slightly Damaged Prom Wear BarnSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells prom dresses and formal wear at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.

Hallmark “Mother” CollectionSummary: The perfect greeting card for weirdos with a strong Mother fixation (Paul Brittain).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Two A-Holes at a Book SigningSummary: The A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) bother Tina Fey during a “Bossypants” book signing.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Ralph the AssistantSummary: Tina Fey struggles to get along with her dumb assistant (Andy Samberg).

Greek Game ShowSummary: Greek contestants can’t lose on their ethinc-based game show.

Late Night with Tyler PerrySummary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) interviews Tina Fey on his new late night talk show.

Great Women WritersSummary: A documentation of the great women writers who inspired Tina Fey to follow in their craft, although the announcer concentrates only on making riffs about their bad looks.

Transcript

MeditationSummary: Ravi (Paul Brittain) tries to lead a meditation class despite constant interruptions from his mother (Nasim Pedrad).

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Mary Shelley

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 19

Mary Shelley

Mary Shelley…..Helen Mirren
Male Guest #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Guest #2…..Bill Hader
Male Guest #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig
Frank Stein…..Fred Armisen
Igor…..Paul Brittain

[ open on photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] Author Mary Shelley was one of the most notable female writers of the Romantic Period. Her greatest triumph came in 1818, when she published her classic novel, “Frankenstein”.”

[ dissolve to Mary Shelley’s apartment ]

[ SUPER: “A Very Dramatic Reenactment” ]

Male Guest #1: A loud huzzah to Mary Shelley, and her new gothic novel “Frankenstein: A Modern Prometheus”!

Guests: Huzzah!! Huzzah!!

Mary Shelley: Thank you all so much, your kind words flatter me.

Male Guest #2: It was a brilliant imagination that crafted the chraracter of The Monster.

Guests: Here, here!!

Male Guest #3: Mary, I say — it looks like you have another guest arriving!

[ a Frankenstein-like man enters the apartment with a toolbox ]

Frank Stein: Hey, how you guys doin’?

Mary Shelley: Oh, no, no. That’s just my landlord. I beg pardon — were we making too much noise?

Frank Stein: No, no. I wanted you you guys, to let you know, uhhhhhh — [ waving his arms frantically ] we’re having soem trouble with the hot water, so I gotta check the pipes.

Male Guest #1: I say, good man, have you read your tenant’s wonderul new book?

Frank Stein: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh — you know, I wasn’t gonna mention the book, you know, but, you know, since you brought it up, you know, I read it and I was kinda curious, you know, how’d you coem up with “The Monster”?

Mary Shelley: Well, while on holiday in Switzerland, I became fascinated with this idea of re-animating dead matter —

Frank Stein: Uh-huh.

Mary Shelley: How science could bring to life what God had sought to kill.

Frank Stein: Yeah. I also think you’re making FUN of me a little! You know?

Mary Shelley: What on earth could you mean?

Frank Stein: Well, Mary, I’m reading the book, you’re describing the Monster and he’s got green skin, you know, he’s got a flat head. I thought, okay, it’s just a coincidence, but, you know, the bolts? Come on, Mary! You know, that’s a clavical base, I got hit by a horse!

Mary Shelley: The Monster is a creature of my imagination, he’s — he’s not based on you, Frank!

Female Guest: [ confused ] I-I-I’m sorry? Your name is “Frank”?

Frank Stein: Frank Stein. Yeah.

Female Guest: Truth be told, Mary, that is a little similar.

Mary Shelley: Frankenstein is the name of the doctor! The Monster is just called… “The Monster”!

Frank Stein: Yeah, but, you know, over time people are just gonna LUMP ’em together, you know? In like a hundred years, people are gonna be like, “Boy, that Frank Stein is a stupid monster!” You know?

[ the guests murmur their agreement ]

Frank Stein: [ waving his arms and growling ] I don’t want to make this a whole thing! Let’s just forget it, I’m gonna go fix the pipes, have your party!

[ Frank Stein wanders off to the side to work on the pipes ]

Male Guest #1: Mary, would you be so kind as to read a passage from the book?

Mary Shelley: Oh! Very well! [ she puts down her tea and picks up the book, as Frank Stein growls in the background ] “I beheld the wretch — the miserable monster whom I had created –”

Frank Stein: Oh, I need a screwdriver!

Mary Shelley: “His jaws were opened, and he muttered some inarticulate sounds –”

[ Frank Stein growls in the background ]

Female Guest: Mary! Your words gave me quite a chill!

Mary Shelley: [ putting her book down ] It is. It is a little cold in here, isn’t it? Why don’t I stoke the stove.

Frank Stein: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Absolutely NOT! Fire BAAAAD! Fore BAD, everybody! It gets in the halls, the smoke and everything! Fire bad! It’s a blanket rule!

Male Guest #3: No, we get it… we get it… [ looking up ] Good God!! Who is THAT?!!

[ hump-backed teenager Igor enters the room ]

Igor: Hey, Dad.

Frank Stein: Hey, Igor.

Igor: Mr. Wordsworth says there’s a bird caught in his apartment, and that it’s ALIVE!

[ Frank Stein nods ]

Male Guest #2: Your son’s name is… is Igor?

Frank Stein: Yeah! [ to Mary ] Thank you for that, by the way, that’s uh, that’s really classy. He’s a kid! Nice work.

[ Frank Stein and Igor exit the apartment ]

Male Guest #1: Hmm…

Female Guest: So is the Monster really based on him?

Mary Shelley: Oh, yes! One-hundred percent!

Male Guest #3: And did he actually throw a little girl into a well?

[ Frank Stein re-enters the apartment ]

Frank Stein: No-o!! I accidentally pushed a girl into a birdbath, and she was FINE, by the way!

Mary Shelley: That’s not what I heard!

Frank Stein: Yeah, you know what? You STINK! I hope you NEVER write a famous book again!

[ cut to photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: …and she didn’t.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: The Roosevelts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 19

The Roosevelts

Franklin Roosevelt…..Bill Hader
Elenour Roosevelt…..Helen Mirren
Joel Surnow…..Fred Armisen
Adolph Hitler…..Taran Killam
Aide…..Bobby Moynihan
Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott
Wellesley Van Aarden…..Paul Brittain
Teddy Roosevelt…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Reelz graphics ]

Announcer: This week, Reelz Channel debuted the acclaimed eight-part movie event, “The Kennedys”, a series critics called “Rife with Historical Inaccuracy”, “Complete Fiction”, and “Sucky”. And next week, we take down another Democratic dynasty with… “The Roosevelts”. Learn ALL of FDR’s dirty secrets:

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt standing next to a wheelchair ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? What is this?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s a wheelchair.

Franklin Roosevelt: What’s it for?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s going to get you elected President. Now, SIT DOWN and ACT SICK!

Announcer: From the creator of “24” and the producer of “The Kennedys”, Joel Surnow, comes a story SO shocking… it HAS to be true.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? Who is this man?

Elenour Roosevelt: He’s Adolph Hitler! And he’s going to START the war that’s going to make YOU a hero!

Adolph Hitler: But, Elenour, I TOLD you — all I vant to do is PAINT!

Elenour Roosevelt: You’ll do EXACTLY as I say! [ she slaps Hitler across the face ]

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: You know, did I take liberties? Sure! But it’s TV — you GOTS to! Besides, we had a historian on the set!

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Yes. I was on the set, but mostly as an object of ridicule and derision. Often, the producers would yell, “Hey, History Guy! Think fast!” And then throw a cup of ice at me. I did NOT enjoy my time on this project.

Announcer: Finally… a movie that dares to show you the steamy sexual intrigue of the Roosevelt White House.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour and ]

Aide: Mr. President. There’s a “Norma Jean” here to see you.

Franklin Roosevelt: Send her in!

[ Marilyn Monroe enters ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ] “Happy Birthday to you…”

Franklin Roosevelt: It’s not my birthday!

Elenour Roosevelt: But it is mine!

[ Elenour leans in to french-kiss Marilyn Monroe ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Even if Elenour Roosevelt was a lesbian, it’s HIGHLY unlikely she’d have an affair with Marilyn Monroe, who was five at the time.

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: When I heard “lesbian”, you KNOW I had to run with it! And, as for Marilyn, I saw pics of the women Elenour was really friends with… poof! You’re welcome!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. 10% Accurate… but 20% Entertaining.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour ]

Franklin Roosevelt: [ reading a speech ] “Nothing to fear but fear itself…”

Elenour Roosevelt: Now, THAT’S a good line!

Franklin Roosevelt: Speaking of lines, we should do some… cocaine.

[ Elenour smirks, as Teddy Roosevelt enters ]

Teddy Roosevelt: Hello again, family! I have returned!

Together: Teddy Roosevelt!!

Teddy Roosevelt: Yeah!

Elenour Roosevelt: We thought you were dead?

Teddy Roosevelt: Well, that’s what I wanted people to think! So I could be a spy — [ he looks at the camera ] For the Russians! [ he claps his hands and holds them out ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: [ shaking his head ] No, I-I-I don’t know why Teddy Roosevelt looked at the camera, or why he was Black! But… it was still better than the scene where Elenour orders the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

[ cut to a naked Elenour Roosevelt on the phone ]

Elenour Roosevelt: Emperor Hirohito? [ seductively ] Tora Tora Tora…!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. Only on the Reelz Channel. When evetyone else passes… it shows up on Reelz!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Perspectives Photo Studios

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 19

Perspectives Photo Studios

Rhonda…..Kristen Wiig
Friend…..Nasim Pedrad
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Customer…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Paul Brittain
Model…..Bobby Moynihan
Curt Ponzovski…..Bill Hader
…..Seth Meyers

[ open on two women at lunch, as Rhonda frowns at her cell phone ]

Friend: Rhonda, what’s the matter?

Rhonda: Remember that guy I met at the bar last week?

Friend: Yeah.

Rhonda: Well, he just sent me a picture of his penis… it’s disappointing.

Friend: [ looking ] That’s it? Pass the magnifying glass.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you send someone a picture of your penis, you want it to look as impressive as possible. And now it can, thanks to Perspectives Photo Studios!

[ cut to clip of Spokesman taking cell phone photos of a customer’s pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: At Perspectives, we use a series of cutting-edge photographic techniques to give your male member the perfect close-up.

[ Spokesman and Customer look over the photos that were taken ]

Customer: That’s the one! That’s great!

Spokesman: Right there. That’s good.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: First, we ENHANCE the size of your penis, by putting it next to smaller objects like this “regular” sized banana.

[ close-up of miniature banana next to Spokesman’s finger ]

[ full shot of Spokesman holding up the banana and giving a mischievious wink ]

[ reveal clips from a photo shoot using the tiny banana technique ]

Spokesman: You got a weird, skinny one? Well, it might not look as skinny next to this… [ holds up tiny object ] soda can! Cheers to that!

[ return to Rhonda’s friend looking at cell phone photo ]

Friend: Oh, my God, is that the Statue of Liberty? [ she holds out the cell phone ]

Rhonda: Welcome to America!

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Then, we employ other techniques. Such as: Clever Angles.

[ show on ground looking up ]

Spokesman: Temperature Control.

[ Spokesman holds hair dryer to customer’s genitals ]

Spokesman: Partial Arousal.

[ Spokesman tickles customer with a long feather ]

Customer: Single man operation?

Spokesman: Yeah, it’s just me… I-I have a gal that works the desk, but that’s more just eye candy.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Puppet Legs.

[ Spokesman takes pixellated photo of customer with fake puppet legs dangling from the sides of his genitals ]

Spokesman: And, of course, if all else fails, there’s always… Using Another Dude’s Wang.

[ Model steps in to offer his genitals for Customer #2’s photo ]

Model: BOOM!!

Spokesman: We also do Action Shots.

[ Customer #2 performs a jump-kick and a jumping jack as his photo is taken ]

Spokesman: Group Shots.

[ Customer poses next to woman and children with his genitals exposed ]

Spokesman: And some fun Candid Shots, to show you have a sense of humor!

[ Customer holds a pair of Groucho glasses above his pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: Still not convinced? Well, just ask these creeps:

[ cut to Curt Ponzovski, “The Ponz” ]

Curt Ponzovski: I met this girl, and we’d already been on zero dates, so I decided to send her a picture of my penis. At Perspectives, they put a golf pencil next to it, so it looked WAY bigger! [ he laughs sadistically ] You could tell the police were impressed!

[ cut to Seth Meyers, “America’s Comedian” ]

Seth Meyers: Hi! I’m the real Seth Meyers. You know, when I’m not laying down the laughs on “Weekend Update”, I’m shootin’ off pics of my peen to every lady in my phone book. [ he turns sideways as a photo is snapped ] You’re welcome, Martha Stewart.

[ cut to Spokesman in office, surrounded by framed pixellated photos ]

Spokesman: Come down to Perspectives Photo Studios today!

[ cut to final jump-pose by Customer, with logo ]

Jingle: “Perspectives Photo Studios.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Stars

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 19

Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Stars

Mort Mort Feingold…..Andy Samberg
James Franco…..Paul Brittain
Kourtney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Ricky Martin…..Taran Killam
Will Smith…..Jay Pharoah
Helena Bonham Carter…..Helen Mirren
Tim Burton…..Bill Hader
Johnny Depp…..Paul Brittain
Muammer Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold, Celebrity Accountant, doing taxes for the stars!”

Mort Mort Feingold: [ in circle ] That’s me!

[ dissolve to Feingold’s office door ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, James Franco! I see you left “Occupation” blank.

[ reveal a grinning, squinty-eyed James Franco ]

James Franco: Yeah! Well, uh, I didn’t know which JOB to put down! I’m a film maker, I’m a conceptual artist, matador, sniper, cobbler’s apprentice —

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, okay! I’ll put down “Actor”. Any write-offs?

James Franco: I had some, uh, “expenses” from when I hosted the Oscars.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, I guess I’ll just tax those off to your Verizon bill — ’cause you PHONED IT IN!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “His rates are fair! IRS beware! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Welcome, Kardashians!

[ reveal posing Kardashian sisters ]

Kardashian Sisters: [ whiny-nasally ] Hiiiiiiiiiiii!!!

Kim Kardashian: This is taxes!

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay. Any activity in the last fiscal quarter?

Kim Kardashian: Yeah. We gave Khloe her own show.

Mort Mort Feingold: Mmm. Okay, well, we can write that off as “Charity”!

Kourtney Kardashian: [ handing over a sheet of paper ] Here’s our income statement.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, let’s see. For letting them film you hang out and walk around on your fun little shows, you made… [ he glasses fly off ] EGG SALAD!! $65 million?! The Kardashians are IN THE BLACK!!

Khloe Kardashian: Ususally, it’s the other way around.

Mort Mort Feingold: [ to the camera ] I walked into THAT one!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s a real catch, gonna save you some scratch! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Ricky Martin! I see you made a lot of money on your memoir.

[ reveal a smiling Ricky Martin ]

Ricky Martin: Yes! In it… I revealed I was a gay man!

Mort Mort Feingold: En, yeah, yeah. What was it called, “Ricky Martin for Dummies”?

Ricky Martin: You know, Mort Mort, a lot of people were surprised to find out I was gay!

Mort Mort Feingold: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s another bombshell: [ to the camera ] I’M JEWISH!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’ll set up your trust fund! He’s got a few bunions! Mort Mort Feingold loves liver and onions!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Welcome, Will Smith!

[ reveal a grunting Will Smith ]

Will Smith: You know I LOVE you, Mort Mort! You are one-foot tall with a two-foot brain! Whoo!

Mort Mort Feingold: Uh-huh. So I see you put down your kids, Jaden and Willow, as your dependents?

Shaun White: Izzay, no — I’m THEIR depedendent! The Smith genes are cranking out their heads! You should get your daughter to be a pop star!

Mort Mort Feingold: Yeah, I’ll try. [ holding up framed photo ] But she looks like THIS!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s not a cheato! That’s his credo! Mort Mort Feingold is friends with DeVito!”

[ reveal photo of Danny DeVito with an extra-tiny Mort Mort Feingold ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay! Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton!

Tim Burton: Good evening.

Mort Mort Feingold: It’s ten a.m.!

Helena Bonham Carter: We live in eternal night.

Mort Mort Feingold: Alright, well, I live in Schenectady. So… [ he glances at his paperwork ] Uh, your return looks pretty good.

Helena Bonham Carter: I watch my expenses carefully. hat’s why I keep my eyes open all the time.

Mort Mort Feingold: Yes. I’ve noticed. Do you have your receipts?

Tim Burton: [ passing origami across the desk ] I made them into a dream spider.

Mort Mort Feingold: What am I gonna do with this?! And why is Johnny Depp here?!

Johnny Depp: [ rising ] Uh — my watch got caught in Helena’s hair.

Mort Mort Feingold: Lox and bagels!! What a bunch of WEIRDOS!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’ll save you the big bucks! He’s got acid reflux! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Muammer Gaddafi!

[ reveal a stern-faced Muammer Gaddafi ]

Muammer Gaddafi: Hello, Mort Mort.

Mort Mort Feingold: Get out of my office!! You’re a ruthless dictator, you murdered your own people, and you’re an anti-Semite!

Muammer Gaddafi: I have an IMMENSE oil fortune. I can give you a commission of TEN per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: NO! I don’t want your filthy blood money!

Muammer Gaddafi: [ without blinking ] Eleven per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: [ holds his breath for a few beats, then: ] I’ll think about it!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold!”

[ fade ]