Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a Party

Marjorie Pettibone…..January Jones
Husband…..Bill Hader
Guests…..Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Jenny Slate

[ title card: “A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a Party, with Marjorie Pettibone, Crown Instructional Films, Copyright 1952” ]

[ open on 50’s housewife Marjorie seated at her kitchen table ]

Marjorie Pettibone: Hello! I’m Marjorie Pettibone. Inthis modern age, a lady faces many challenges, none greater than hosting the perfect cocktail party.

[ cut to Marjorie standing in her kitchen, as her husband enters ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Party planning begins in the morning, when your husband tells you you are throwing one. This is great news! Before he goes, hand him his briefcase and newspaper.

[ she hands him these items and leans in for a kiss on the cheek that isn’t delivered ]

[ cut back to Marjorie seated and addressing the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: Avoid looking at the newspaper, as it may give you ideas.

[ cut to close-up of notepad, with list: “TO DO: 1. Make Food, 2. Mix Drinks, 3. Do Bust Exercises, 4. Shock Therapy” ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: There’s so much to do:

Hollow out a pineapple, and fill it with shrimp salad.

Make a 20-pound gelatin, and fill it with beef and marshmallows.

Whip up a fun Polynesian punch: 1 part maraschino cherries, 1 part fresh orange juice [ from a concentrate can ], and a dash of gin! [ an entire bottle of Beefeater is poured into the bowl ]

[ cut to Marjorie finally doing her bust exercises ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: There’s still time for a few quick buster exercises…

[ the doorbell rings ]

Marjorie Pettibone: [ she stops ] And the guests are here!

[ cut to Marjorie standing to greet each incoming guest, as her husband sits comfortably behind her with a drink in hand ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: A lady knows how to greet each individual guest in accordance with their social standing:

Greet men by the word “Mister”, followed by their full name.

Greet women by their husband’s name, or not at all.

Greet a divorced woman by her attorney’s name. Be sure to make note of the flaws in her figure and bust that brought about the divorce, so that you may learn from them.

Homosexuals should be addressed as “Missus, or “Miss”, depending on their age.

Address cats by their full name, but dogs AS “Mister” and then their dog name. Because cats are girls and dogs are boys.

When greeting a Jewish person, please bear in mind that, like Italians, they tend to speak with their hands. It is important to give them two arms’ length of ethnic distance so that they may complete their gestures.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: If a black person arrives… [ she shakes her head and laughs ] Just kidding. A black person won’t arrive. That’s an example of party humor.

[ cut to various examples of party interaction ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: The party is in full swing now, and everyone is having a gas. Nod and smile as your husband tells a humorous story. [ she smiles, despite the dirty gesture he makes regarding her anatomy ] There you go.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: After a few drinks, it is time to wake the children.

[ show Marjorie leading the kids around the room, to the delight of everyone there ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Put them in hats, and parade them once around the room in a single loop, and then the kids can go back to bed until the next party.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: After a long night of smoking cigarettes and eating gelatin, you may feel the urge to visit the powder room. A lady does not do this while company is present. Wait until all your guests have gone home and the house has been cleaned, then you may go to the woods to relieve yourself. If it ends up being diarrhea, you must leave society and live in the woods as an animal. Never return.

[ show more scenes of party interaction, including Marjorie’s husband openly flirting with one of the female guests ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: The party is a grand success, and your husband is very happy. You’ve entertained your friends, and kept a cool head throughout.

[ cut to Marjorie smiling in the kitcehn as she lights a cigarette ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Life is truly grand.

[ iris to end title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

Goodnights

…..January Jones
…..Black Eyed Peas

January Jones: Thanks to Darrell Hammond, Lorne, cast and crew. I had a wonderful time, and, once again, The Black Eyed Peas.

[ the camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

WIIX News

Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Sarah Reynolds…..January Jones

[ open on anchorman Gil in the WIIX studio ]

Gil: Well, I can tell you ONE thing: No one loves the Main Street Basket Festival more than this guy! [ he points to himself and chuckles, then glances off-screen and shrugs ] And now, I’m happy to announce the return, once again, of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence, but now she’s back and here she is — Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle!

[ cut to Michelle Dison standing in front of a Dairy Queen ]

Michelle Dison: Thanks, Gil. It’s good to be back. Today, I am so excited to meet and introduce to you a real hometown hero. This Dairy Queen I’m standing on front of was held up at gunpoint, and if it wasn’t for the bravery of one DQ employee, that dangerous criminal would still be at large. Let’s meet her! Sarah Reynolds!

[ Sarah Reynolds awkwardly steps forward, giggling ]

Sarah Reynolds: Hi! Oh, my God! I can’t believe I’m on the television news! Hi, Nana! Hi, Aunt Pauline!

Michelle Dison: Wow! [ she holds her gaze on Sarah, then comes back to Earth ] Sorry. Uhh — I went somewhere! [ she laughs ] Um — uh — walk us through what happened today.

Sarah Reynolds: Yes, Ma’am. Uhhh — I was cleaning up a rainbow sprinkles spill, and, all of a sudden, a man in a ski mask BURST IN!

Michelle Dison: [ riveted ] Really?! Cool! [ she smiles ] You’re funny! [ she shakes her head ] Uh — I’m sorry. I, uh — I — I didn’t hear a word you said! [ she laughs ] I was, uh, staring at your mouth! I was looking at your lips. I — I didn’t hear you.

[ cut to Gil in the studio, holding his shaking head in his hands ]

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Um — j-j-just continue.

Sarah Reynolds: Anyway, he came up to me, pulled out a gun, and pushed it into my face.

Michelle Dison: Not your pretty face! [ she laughs ] I like it! Your face! FACE it! Let’s face it together! Let’s face each other in the dark! [ she laughs, then regains her composure ] I mean, uhh — if — if it’s dark, and I had your face, uh, I’d have to kiss myself! What am I — ? What I’m saying is, you have — you have good genes. And you have good jeans! [ she laughs ] You look good in your jeans! [ she laughs ] I mean, a lot of people do… but you — you do! I love jeans! I’m into jeans! I am into your jeans! [ she shakes her head ] No. I am not — I am not in your jeans now. Why — why would I be in your jeans? [ she laughs] Sorry, Gene!

[ cut to Gil ]

Gil: No, it’s Gil.

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Back to me — Michelle!

Sarah Reynolds: Uhh — so, he has a gun in my face, and I completely panicked! Completely —

Michelle Dison: I’m sorry — I just have to say, uhh — you could be in the movies! [ she laughs ] But just don’t move to L.A., that’s too far away from me! [ she laughs ] No, I mean, I — I don’t, uh — I don’t know you. You can move wherever you want! [ she laughs ] But if you did move, I would help you pack! [ she laughs ] And we could wear, uh, overalls with nothing under them! [ she laughs, and shakes her head ] No. not nothing. We could just wear… flesh-toned tanktops! so, uh — so it looks like nothing!

Sarah Reynolds: Flesh-toned tanktops? What?!

Michelle Dison: Uhh — you would look really good in a flesh-toned tanktop! [ she laughs ] Sorry. Uh — what’d you do next?

Sarah Reynolds: Uhh — well, without thinking, I just grabbed a hot crock of butterscotch dip, and I just FLUNG it in his face!

Michelle Dison: HEIGH-OHHHHHH!!! You smell good! [ she laughs ] A little breeze just brought some of your… scent my way. [ she laughs ] Are you, uh, are you wearing perfume?

Sarah Reynolds: No. Just a little… body oil?

Michelle Dison: [ she nods her head profusely ] Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[ cut to Gil, open-mouth stunned ]

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Okay.

Sarah Reynolds: Are you alright?

Michelle Dison: [ in a whisper ] Okay.

[ return to Gil ]

Gil: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, she’s fine! Look, I’m gonna, uh, I’m gonna jump in here! So, Sarah, you managed to dial 9-1-1 —

[ cut back to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: [ interrupting ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You dial 9-1-1, the cops come, the bad guy’s in jail, you’re a hero — boom! You’re probably hungey! I’m famished! We’ve both had a rough day! [ she giggles ] One more question: uh, do you like Red Lobster?

Sarah Reynolds: [ confused ] What?

Michelle Dison: The restuarant. Red Lobster. [ she laughs ] I bet you do, ’cause you watch what you eat! [ she laughs ] You look like a mannequin! I’m gonna take clothes off of you! [ she laughs, then shakes her head ] No… no. Not off of you as a person. Just you… as a mannequin… would make clothes look so appealing, I would want that outfit off of you… for me… to have… on… myself. [ she laughs ] But you’re smaller than I am, so… I could just EAT YOU! [ she laughs ] You could fit inside me! Get inside me! [ she laughs ]

[ cut to Gil, staring wide-eyed while biting a pencil ]

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Uh — uh — uh — no, I’m not saying that — I mean, as a food. Uh — speaking of food, let’s hit it! [ she laughs ] Let’s hit the lob! [ she sings: ] “The Red Lo-o-o-o-ob!”

Sarah Reynolds: [ nervously ] Are we done?

Michelle Dison: I should tell you, uh — so we can talk about other things at dinner — I have had a rough half-year. Uh, short story short: My ex-husband left me again, this time for a haircut photographer. Uh, so I am not in the best place right now. [ she laughs ]

Sarah Reynolds: Well, you know, I think I’d better go, uh — Nana and Aunt Pauline, I’m coming home!

Michelle Dison: [ squealing ] And I’m gonna drive her! [ she laughs ] Let’s go together! [ singing ] “Get out of my dream, and get into my car!” [ she laughs ] Billy Ocean! Let’s go to the ocean! Or we could eat food from the ocean — at the Lob! [ she laughs ] Uh — again, that’s short for… The Red Lobster. [ she laughs ]

Sarah Reynolds: Michelle, I just gotta say… when that man put his gun in my face, that was the most freaked-out that I’ve ever been in my life — until I started talking to you. You too kthe worst day of my life, put it in a waffle cone, and dumped a bunch of creep sprinkles all over it. I hope you get some help.

[ Sarah exits the scene ]

Michelle Dison: [ glumly ] Gil?

Gil: Yep?

Michelle Dison: Uh — did that go okay?

Gil: No. Nothing about it did.

Michelle Dison: [ waving her arm ] Oh! There’s a bee! I’m allergic! Oh, my god! It went in my shirt! [ she screams as she whips her shirt off, revealing herself half-naked in her bra; she clumsily covers herself and tries to regain her composure ] Gil?

Gil: And there it is! Thanks, Michelle! See you in another… month.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

Cloud Gazing

Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Kelly…..January Jones

[ open on couple lying down on the grass somewhere in San Francisco, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background ]

Jason: I’m so glad we did this.

Kelly: I know. It’s the perfect first date, with the perfect man.

Jason: [ he chuckles, as he gazes into the sky ] Look at all these clouds. It’s too bad we already ate — there might be a chance of meatballs!

Kelly: [ she laughs with him ] What?

Jason: Oh, uh, it’s… just a reference to that movie, “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”?

Kelly: Ohhh. That’s funny. Sorry, I haven’t seen a movie in a while. The last one I saw in the theater was probably… “The Wiz”?

Jason: [ incredulous ] “The Wiz”? Wow, that’s — you saw that in the theaters?

Kelly: Yeah, I “Wiz” not that into seeing movies! [ she laughs out loud at this joke ]

Jason: [ laughing ] Yeah… yeah… [ pointing ] Hey, look at that cloud. It’s like a sailboat, you know? You see, there’s the mast, and the sail, and the hull of the ship right there.

Kelly: [ looking ] Hmm… It doesn’t really look like a ship, it looks more like a… puffy, cloudy, cloud blob.

Jason: Yeah. Yeah, I mean that’s… more accurate, I guess. I just thought it might be more fun to, you know, use your imagination. You know? “Use your illusion”! [ he laughs ]

Kelly: [ laughing ] What?

Jason: Ah, that’s a Guns N’ Roses reference. I thought you might have listened to Guns N’ Roses growing up.

Kelly: Ohhhhh… that’s funny. That’s music, right? God, I can’t remember the last song I heard. Oh! It was “Muskrat Love”, by Captain & Tennille!

Jason: That’s the last song you heard?

Kelly: Well, it’s the last new song I heard. And, right now, I’m in “Muskrat Love” with these clouds! [ she laughs out loud at this joke ]

Jason: [ speechless ] Yeah. You’re very pretty. [ he chuckles ] Hey, what about that cloud? What do you think that looks like?

Kelly: A cottonball.

Jason: Anything else?

Kelly: A cottonball made of clouds.

Jason: That’s a little worse. you wanna try again?

Kelly: Two clouds!

Jason: Okay, we’ll stop there. Yeah, I was gonna say it looks like a T-Rex, you know? You see, there’s a head and a tail and two tiny arms?

Kelly: Yeah, but when they built dinosaurs, they didn’t use clouds.

Jason: [ he glances at her like she’s an idiot, then glances all around him ] Am I on “Punk’d”, or something?

Kelly: [ she laughs uproariously ] Yeah! Wait… what?

Jason: Uh — “Punk’d”. It’s a TV show. I don’t know why I thought you would get that.

Kelly: No… well, yeah, I’m not really up on my television.

Jason: Hmm.

Kelly: God, what was the last TV show I saw? Oh, right — it was the final episode of Trapper John, M.D.”

Jason: Really? “Trapper John, M.D.”?

Kelly: Yeah. Why? Is he your doctor?

Jason: No. No, he’s not even, uh — you know what? Why don’t we, uh, we’ll just be quiet for a while, just enjoy the scenery. Not even gonna worry about… talking.

Kelly: I guess I will keep my Trapper shut! [ she laughs out loud at this joke ]

Jason: [ laughing ] You are a very pretty, pretty woman!

[ they laugh together ]

Kelly: Thank you!

Jason: Oh, you’re welcome.

Kelly: [ pointing ] Oh, hey! What about that cloud? It looks like a sun.

Jason: Well, that is the sun.

Kelly: And what about those clouds? What do those clouds look like?

Jason: Uh, those ones flying? Those are birds. Yeah.

Kelly: And that tree?

Jason: [ having had enough ] Kelly, I’m gonna go!

Kelly: Well, why, why, why? I like this cloud game. And I like you. [ she rubs her face across his arm ] I like you a lot!

Jason: Yeah, I’m gonna go through with this. Okay, uh —

Kelly: Yay! [ she claps ]

Jason: Yeah.

Kelly: [ pointing ] Oh, and look — that cloud looks like a painting!

Jason: Oh,good! A painting of what?

Kelly: A cloud.

Jason: Right… right. Very good.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

A Message from the Vice-President of the United States

Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Vice-Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a Message from the Vice-President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Joe Biden seated behind desk in the Oval Office ]

Joe Biden: Hey-o! Large and in charge! The President’s away, and Joe will play! [ he chuckles ] Now, as many of you know, on Thursday, the president embarked on an 8-day trip to Asia. So, for the next week, Joe’s running things!

Now, before the President left, we talked policy; mainly, the policy about the Oval Office, and how I’m not allowed in it. [ he chuckles ] So why am I here? Because Joe Biden follows his heart, not instructions. That’s right. And Joe’s got a big ol’ heart! That’s why I thought I would do something nice for the president! So, I’m gonna take one of the things — one of the major problems facing this administration — and fix it, before he gets back. Yep! Just knock it out!

Now, I know I have to keep it simple because I only have a week to fix something. So I narrowed it down to three choices: Afghanistan… the economy… or Health Care. I can get ONE of these done! Alright?

Now, let’s start with Afghanistan. I would love to fix what’s going on over there — I really would — but there’s one problem: Afghanistan is a MESS! [ he chuckles ] It can’t be fixed! Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s just a corrupt, barren, backwater hellhole of a place! I mean, it’s worse than Scranton! They’re not very good at democracy in Afghanistan. You know what they’re good at? Growing drugs. [ he chuckles ] Real good! Yeah, some people will say Afghanistan is getting better. Well, of course it is! It’s the worst place on earth! It can only GET better! Afghanistan’s a lot like the contestant on the first episode of “The Biggest Loser”! You know, just because it loses five pounds, doesn’t mean it’s suddenly Miss America. I mean, come on, she’s still a FAT GIRL! [ he chuckles ] Hey look, I’m just giving it to ya’ straight — Biden-style! That place is a mess!

Now, my second choice was to fix the economy. Now, the problem there is: we already did it! I said it once and I’ll say it again: The stimulus is working. Now I know that might be tough to swallow if you’re unemployed, but look at me! [ he waves his hand in front of his face ] The stimulus is working. Right now, there are THOUSANDS of new jobs being created every day across America. Foreclosure lawyers and repo men, temps and bankruptcy specialists. So don’t tell me no one’s hiring. The quality of the work force is improving, too. If you drive behind a Home Depot right now, you’ll find a bunch of guys back there ready to help you put in a new deck! You’re gonna find fellows with Master’s degrees, former professors, and accountants. I mean, it’s amazing. And it makes me proud to be an American.

That brings us to number three: Health Care! Now here’s something I can fix and here’s how we’re gonna do it: We’re gonna cave in like crazy. That’s right. The president wants to pass a health care bill SO BAD… that he will literally sign anything. [ he chuckles ] You could water it down however you like. As long as it’s a stack of paper with the words “Hhealth care” on it, HEY! He’ll sign it! [ he chuckles ] I mean, remember that public option that was such a big deal? Gone! Poof! What happened?

Now, there’s more! Let ol’ Joe run down the compromises we’re cool with:

First, to those Republicans who want the bill to protect doctors from medical malpractice suits, you win! We’ll agree to a provision that would make it ILLEGAL to ever sue a doctor, and I mean EVER! If you need a new arm and he puts a leg on there by mistake, sorry! Hey, it’s better than nothing! You’ll just have to walk back home sideways. Put it in there. We will sign it!

Some folks are mad as hell that this health care plan might cover illegal immigrants. Fine! Fine! We’ll do whatever it takes to appease you immigration hardliners. You want to make sure that no copies of the bill will be printed in Spanish? Okay! Heck, how about a provision that forbids the treatment of any children under three who have their ears pierced? Put it in! We’ll sign it! We gotta pass this puppy!

Now, a lot of you are concerned that this is gonna cost taxpayers billions of dollars. Don’t worry! Ol’ Joe’s got you covered. I’m gonna ask that the Senate bill include a middle class tax cut, which is ALWAYS popular with both Democrats and Republicans. Now, some of you out there are asking, “Joe, how are you gonna pay for a $1.2 trillion plan by cutting taxes?”

[ he pauses, as if considering a response, then continues without answering ]

Finally… because I know how important a bipartisan bill is to this president, I want to make an offer to the first Republican senator to come across the aisle and sign on to this bill. You can write one provision of your own in the bill and seal it in this envelope, right here. [ he holds up an envelope marked “CONFIDENTIAL” ] I promise I won’t show it to the president until after he signs the bill into law. It can be whatever you want. You want a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage? I don’t know, that’s fine. Maybe a national holiday for Kenny Chesney, or a law that makes it illegal to be Nancy Pelosi. Whatever! Sky’s the limit! The important thing is that, when the big man gets back, he focuses on how I got the bill passed, and not on who picked the locks in the Oval Office.

And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 14th, 2009

January Jones

Black Eyed Peas

None

Darrell Hammond

None

A Message from the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: While President Obama is out of the country, Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) plans to quickly solve the Health Care dilemma.

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

January Jones’ MonologueSummary: January Jones meets obsessed “Man Men” fans, the “Mad Mennies” (Jason, Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen).

Transcript

TodaySummary: While singing, Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) is assaulted by members of the Black Eyed Peas.

Recurring Characters: Kathy Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb.

Rear WindowSummary: While filming her first scene in an Alfred Hitchcock (Bobby Moynihan) movie, Grace Kelly (January Jones) can’t stop farting.

Recurring Characters: Alfred Hitchcock, Jimmy Stewart.

WIIX NewsSummary: Once again, reporter Michelle Dison (Kristeen Wiig) finds herself strangely attracted to the young woman (January Jones) she’s interviewing for a story.

Recurring Characters: Gil, Michaelle Dison.

Transcript

A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a PartySummary: In a 1952 short film, a housewife (January Jones) demonstrates proper party-throwing etiquette to make her husband (Bill Hader) look good in front of his peers.

Transcript

Black Eyed Peas perform “I Gotta Feeling”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) uses racist rremarks to explain why he’s leaving CNN. Kim Kardeshian (Nasim Pedrad) can only talk about herself while attempting to discuss her sister’s celebrity-studded wedding. Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte) sing lyrics instead of commenting on the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Recurring Characters: Lou Dobbs, Jon Bovi.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HydeSummary: Dr. Jekyll (Bill Hader) seeks more funding for his serum, which relunctantly turns him into a gay Mr. Hyde.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: No matter what room he enters, a guy (Fred Armisen) can’t avoid walking in on his roommate (Andy Samberg) while he’s on the toilet.

Transcript

Black Eyed Peas perform “Meet Me Halfway”

Cloud GazingSummary: Jason (Jason Sudeikis) tries to get romantic with Kelly (January Jones) while looking up at clouds, even though she clearly has no imagination skills.

Transcript

Goodnights/Black Eyed Peas perform “Boom Boom Pow”Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Glamour GirlSummary: A crisis breaks out, but superhero Glamour Girl (January Jones) is slow to react because she takes too much time getting herself put together.

The Cougar Denb>Summary: Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and two new friends (Abby Elliott, Jenny Slate) interview a pair of airline stewardesses (January Jones, Fergie).

Recurring Characters: Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and fellow emcee (January Jones) promote an under-underground rock festival.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak.

Note: This sketch would be tweaked and later performed on the episode hosted by Blake Lively.

Tyson ProductsSummary: Mike Tyson (Kenan Thompson) promotes his frozen dinner line to a hungry family.

Recurring Characters: Mike Tyson.

Huckler’s PopcornSummary: Spokeswomen (January Jones, Jenny Slate) pitch popcorn product.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift

The View

Whoopi Goldberg…..Kenan Thompson
Kate Gosselin…..Taylor Swift
Barbara Walters…..Nasim Pedrad
Joy Behar…..Fred Armisen
Elisabeth Hasselback…..Kristen Wiig
Nicholas Cage…..Andy Samberg

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, we’re back with hot topics. Filling in for Sherri Shepherd today is Kate Gosselin.

Kate Gosselin: Hi.

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, now, you are on a press tour for no reason. Is that right?

Kate Gosselin: Thank you Whoopi. Actually, that’s right. I’m doing lots of press.

Barbara Walters: You know Kate, for someone who has absolutely no experience in this industry, other than wrangling a bunch of kids into a mini van on camera, you seem very self assured.

Kate Gosselin: Thank you for saying that Barbara. Actually, every day I practice emphatically talking in front of a mirror.

Joy Behar: You know, the only thing that I practice in front of a mirror is sucking in my back fat. So what? Who cares?

Whoopi Goldberg: I don’t even own a mirror. The last time I looked in the mirror I gave myself one of these… And you know what was weird? The mirror gave me one of these!

Elisabeth Hasselback: Kate, I just wanna say you have beautiful hair. I’ve heard many people make fun of your hairstyle, and I think it’s beautiful. It’s like a gorgeous waterfall of human hair in the front, and in the back a patriotic fireworks display. In the front, a fun slide and in the back, an exploded hedgehog. Perfect for the busy mom with children. Beautiful hairstyle. A beautiful American hairstyle. America.

Kate Gosselin: It is. Actually, you know, the hardest thing about being a mom is having patience. Cause sometimes the paparazzi say they’re going to be someplace at ten and they don’t show up until eleven.

Elisabeth Hasselback: You’re a busy mom, with beautiful hair. It’s like the front is walking into a job interview and the back is leaving a rock concert.

Barbara Walters: Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, ladies, let’s get back to hot topics. Now this Swine Flu has become even more serious than before. There are reported cases as far away as China, India, and as I said before, China. One problem that they are foreseeing is that they’re not going to have enough of this H1N1 vaccine.

Whoopi Goldberg: Oh, H1N1, H2B4, K67B, R2D2. These cats sticking letters after numbers and numbers after letters. I don’t go to doctors. The last time I went to a doctor, he poked his head into the room and said “Are you naked yet?” and I said “Honey child, I ain’t taking off my crocks.”

Joy Behar: You know, the only shot I want is a shot of kahlua after looking at my neck wrinkles. I look like I’ve got frisbees around my neck. So what? Who cares?

Whoopi Goldberg: Uh oh. Joy, you’ve got a lot of jokes lined up for this one. I can tell by the look on your face.

Joy Behar: Okay, thanks Whoopi. Okay, here we go. The only shot I want is a shot of David Caruso getting out of the shower. Who cares? So what? My doctor told me that I have so much upper arm fat that if I was pushed out of a tree, I would glide, like a squirrel. Who cares? So what?

Kate Gosselin: Ha ha, ha ha, ha, you are so funny. Actually, you know what else is funny? How I got this hairstyle. My hairdresser was halfway through giving me the Rachel when his blowdryer exploded on the back of my head.

Elisabeth Hasselback: You guys, H1N1 is really serious. This is scary. The government cannot come into my house and tell me to get vaccinated. I put anti-bacteria gel everywhere in my house. Every corner. Every corner near my cell phone, my crepe maker, the ceiling fan, the banisters leading to my bathroom. Every corner. Every corner. Every corner. Corner. Corn-er. Every.

Barbara Walters: All right, ladies. Let’s bring out our first guest. He’s a very prominent actor, he’s starred in dozens of films, including my favorite, ghost rider, please welcome Nicholas Cage.

Nicholas Cage: Hi, hi. Hi, how are you? Hi. Thank you for having me here today.

Joy Behar: So you’re broke now, right?

Nicholas Cage: Yes I am. Uh, unfortunately my business manager made some grave errors with my money, and, uh, it’s gone.

Barbara Walters: So what’s next for Nicholas Cage?

Nicholas Cage: I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.

Barbara Walters: Really?

Nicholas Cage: Yeah, maybe there’ll be a treasure map on the back, or, uh, maybe I’ll just make another movie. You know, something where I walk around and I go, “Ah, watch out!”

Barbara Walters: Fascinating. I look forward to seeing that on the silver scream. Kate, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule. I know you have to dash off to a book signing at Barnes and Noble.

Joy Behar: Oh, you have a book out?

Kate Gosselin: Actually, no. I’m just walking up to people and asking them if they want me to sign whatever book they’re holding.

Nicholas Cage: Oh, I do that too.

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, well, we’ll see you all tomorrow when our guests will be Kristen Stewart and Wanda Sykes.

Submitted by: Felicia Poppleton

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift

Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Drivers

Samantha Samuels…..Taylor Swift
Dad…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on gawky teenager addressing the camera in front of blue background ]

Samantha Samuels: Hi. I’m Samantha Samuels. You know, teens have gotten a lot of flak recently for DWT, or: Driving While Texting.

[ cut to footage of teenager texting while driving ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: And, it’s true — driving while texting can be very dangerous.

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: But teens aren’t the only bad drivers. In fact, many of the worst drivers… are parents. That’s why I founded: Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Driving. [ reveal product card ] Or… T.R.A.A.A.P.D. We’ll teach about such serious problems as:

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Lecturing.

Dad: Okay. Well, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start ACTING like an adult!!

Samantha Samuels: You’re driving on the sidewalk.

Dad: You — [ he looks up at the road and twists the wheel ] Whoa! Whoa!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom, who’s reaching behind the back seat ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to get somthing out of Your Purse.

Samantha Samuels: Mom! I don’t need a tissue!

Mom: I think you do!

Samantha Samuels: Mo-o-o-o-o-mmmmm!! [ cars start honking ] STOP!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to Balance Hot Coffee.

[ Dad places the coffee cup between his legs, then screams as it topples ]

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Racing to Nordstrom for a Sweater Sale.

Mom: [ leaning out of window ] Out of my way, nimrods!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Giving the “Birds and the Bees” Talk.

Dad: And then the man will take… that erection, and… he will place it in the, uh —

[ having had enough, Samantha jerks the wheel ]

Dad: Hey! No! No! You will NOT crash this car!

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: These unsafe driving habits are practiced by parents everywhere. And there’s more. Like:

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Arguing with the GPS.

GPS: Turn left.

Dad: Ah, you don’t know what you’re talking about!

GPS: Turn left.

Dad: NO!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While revealing Family Secrets.

Mom: You know, before me, your father was married to a Korean woman.

[ Samantha grimaces ]

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving while Trying to Find a Cellphone You Dropped.

[ the cellphone is ringing, as Dad roots around with one eye on the road ]

Dad: Where the hell is it?

Samantha Samuels: [ leaning forward ] I think it’s inside the dashboard.

Dad: How the hell did that happen?!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Having a Sarcastic Conversation with the Car in Front of You.

Dad: No, no, no, no — don’t use your turn signal! After you, Your Highness! After you! [ his eyes widen ] Oh! He’s got a gun! e’s got a gun! [ he pulls Samantha under the dashboard ]

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Singing Along to a Song You don’t Know the Lyrics to.

Mom: [ singing badly ] “Let’s build a love gate. See a love frame. Do you hear doves? Is it a pain? Am I in the way…”

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: See? Maybe teen drivers aren’t so bad after all. Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday.

[ Mom steps forward ]

Mom: Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car?

Samantha Samuels: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-o-ommmm!! Get out! You’re ruining my commerical!!

[ product card ]

Dad V/O: This ad was paid for by Samantha Samuels… with money she stole from her dad’s desk. Samantha…!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift

Carter N’ Sons BBQ

Ronnie Carter…..Bobby Moynihan
Father…..Fred Armisen
Mother…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Diner…..Andy Samberg
Elvis Impersonator…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on disclaimer ]

Announcer: “The following commercial was filmed in 2002 before the outbreak of the Swine Flu virus”

[ dissolve to commercial ]

Ronnie Carter: Hi! I’m Ronnie Carter! Come on down to Carter N’ Sons, where, one taste of our signature pulled pork barbecue, and you’ll have…

Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!

Ronnie Carter: YEEEEE-HAWWWWW!!!

[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]

Announcer: The management of Carter N’ Sons would like to clarify that “Swine Fever” is not related to the H1N1 Virus, or “Swine Flu”.

[ Ronnie Carter approaches a family dining in his restaurant ]

Ronnie Carter: Howdy, folks! Enjoying your meal?

Father: Enjoying it? Heck, I got Swine Fever!

Mother: I got it!

Kids: WE got it!!

Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!

Ronnie Carter: THIS Swine Fever is CONTAGIOUS!

[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]

Announcer: “Swine Fever” is a metaphor meant to symbolize a craving for Carter N’ Songs Barbecue. It was created for an ad campaign several years ago, well before the “Swine Flu” or H1N1 epidemic.

[ cut to Male Diner eating at table ]

Male Diner: My doctor said this Swine Fever’s gonna be the death of me!

[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]

Announcer: “Swine Fever” is not contagious and not even a medically classifiable disease.

Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!

[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]

Announcer: We promised to shoot a new commercial soon but we didn’t have the money because business has been way down due to the confusion about “Swine Fever”.

[ cut to Elvis impersonator holding up a rib ]

Elvis Impersonator: I got Swine Fever, and I gots it bad! Thank you! Thank you very much!

Ronnie Carter: One taste of Carter N’ Sons, and you’re GUARANTEED to leave with…

Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!

Ronnie Carter: And the only cure for Swine Fever is… MORE BARBECUE!! [ he wipes the sweat from his brow ] Hoo-wee! I hope we have enough!

[ cut to barbecue plate ]

Ronnie Carter V/O: And don’t forget to try our special Sausage And Ribs Sampler!

[ new disclaimer appears over this part of the commercial ]

Announcer: We recognize that this spells S.A.R.S. We regret the coincidence.

[ cut back to Ronnie Carter laughing ]

Ronnie Carter: I’ll see you there!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift

Roomies

Lexie…..Nasim Pedrad
Bennett…..Andy Samberg
Anna…..Taylor Swift

Lexie: Honey, you sure you don’t mind staying in tonight?

Bennett: Hey, it doesn’t matter where we are, Lexi, as long as we are together.

Lexie: EWW, Bennet! That’s the worst!

Bennett: I know I’m adorable right?

Lexie: Yes. You still wanna watch Master and Commander?

Bennett: Yeah, or we could play Master and Commander!

Lexie: BENNET! Stop it.

Bennett: Oh no. Is that your roommate?

Lexie: Yeeah. *gasp* ANNA!!!

Anna: Lexi, I’m back!

TOGETHER: OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SOO MUCH! I missed you so much! I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU!!!

Lexie: You’re my everything!

Bennett: wow.. Have you been out of town or something?

Lexie: Nooo she’s been at work. At her part time job at Bath and Body Works!

Anna: For TWO HOURS!!

TOGETHER: Oh I missed you! I love you soo much! You’re everything to me I missed you!

Lexie: Bath and Body Works is THE worst!

Anna: So is being away from you!

Lexie: BENNET!! Look whose here!

Bennett: Hi Anna.

Anna: BENNNNEEETT!!! What are we watching?

Lexie: Master and Commander, but not until you get in your jammies!

Anna: BENNNETT!

Lexie: Ohkay hurry.. hurry!

Anna: Okay I will.

Lexie: Oh wait don’t go!

Anna: I have to.

Lexie:Don’t go yet. don’t go don’t go don’t go NOOO! Isn’t she cool?

Bennett:She’s ah- she’s definitely cool. Have you thought any more about getting your own place?

Lexie: Yeah kinda… [ cell phone rings ] Oh my god I’m sorry I’m so sorry. I’m gunna have to take this. Hello? Hi! How are you? Wha- What happened? OH I’m just sitting here. It’s Anna. Yeah he’s still here.

Bennett: She’s calling you from the other room?

Lexie: Shhhh. I’m sorry Hun what did you say? Aww I miss you too! Are you in your jammies yet? Well then come on out then. Oh ah- hahaha then see you soon! That was Anna.

Bennett: Yeah I know. Hey do you wanna go hang at my place?

Lexie: Oh I dunno. Anna just got here and I don’t think she’s gunna wanna go out.

Anna: Look I brought snacks!

Lexie: Snacks for my tummy!! Give it here. Give it here!

Anna: Do you want some blanket?

Lexie: Thank you!! awwwwwww

Anna: HEEY BENNETTT! Do you want some blanket!?

Bennett: I’m Okay

Anna:BENNNEEET!! I missed you!

Lexie:I missed you too! Quit your job!

Anna:I want to so bad!

Lexie: You’re the only person I wanna hang out with! Hey I was gunna tell you something…

Anna: *GASP* Hay is for horses and chicken and fish.

Lexie: Hit me three times and ill grant you a wish!

TOGETHER: 3,2,1, BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak (x4)BARRAK OBAMA!! Burrrrr..

Anna:Does he get it? Hey Bennet? Do you get it?

Lexie: *GASP* Hay is for horses and chicken and fish!

TOGETHER: Hit me three times and I’ll TRIPLE your wish. 3,2,1 BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak-

Bennett: Guys. GUYS! Look your inside jokes are really cute and everything but I dunno I thought tonight was gunna be just about us hangin out.

Lexie: That’s weird.

Anna:N-no I get it. I guess um- I guess I’ll just head back to my room now.

Lexie: [ grabbing Anna’s leg ] no. No. Noo. NOo. NOO. NOOo. NOOO. NOOOO. NOOOOOOOOO

Bennett: What’s wrong?

Lexie: Nothing. She’s just like a really great person.

Bennett: You wanna hang out with Anna don’t you?

Lexie: Oh- umm no I’m totally fine with… this.

Bennett: Look if it really means that much to you-

Lexie:Great. HEY ANNA!

Anna:Hay is for horses and chicken and fish.

TOGETHER: BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak. BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak. BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak. BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak.

Submitted by: Nikki Daoust

SNL Transcripts