[ANDY SAMBERG and MOLLY SIMS make eye contact in a nightclub.]
Andy Samberg: [singing] “Locked eyes from across the room” “Down my drink while the rythem booms” “Take your hand and skip the names” “No need here for the silly games”
[Andy and Molly are dancing in the club]
“Make our way through the smoke and crowd” “Love is on the sky and I’m in your cloud” “We move in close as the lasers fly” “Our bodies touch and the angels cry”
[Andy and Molly are making out in a hallway]
“We leave this place and go back to yours” “Our lips first touch outside your door” “It the whole night we’ve got in store” “Whisper in my ear that you want some more”
“And that’s when I jizz in my pants” I won’t apologize that’s just absurd “I’m not at fault for the way that you dance” “And that’s when I jizz in my pants”
“Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say that you’re a slut” “It was your fault that you were rubbing my butt” I’m very sensative so I’ll say that’s a plus” “Now I’ll go home and change.”
[JORMA TACCONE strolls through a grocery store.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “I need a few things from the grocery” “A few things that come alone mostly” “Left my heart broken not looking for love”
[Akiva Schaffer’s spinning LP’s on a turntable in the grocery store. JAMIELYNN-SIGLER checks out Jorma’s items at the register.]
“I had a suprise in my eyes when I looked above” “At the checkout counter I saw her face” “My heart stood still in time and space” “Never thought I could be real again”
“The look in her eyes said ‘I need a friend'” “She turned to me and that’s when I said it” “Looked me dead in the face, asked ‘cash or credit'” “And that’s when I jizzed in my pants”
“Don’t look there’s like there’s anything wrong with me” “Though were going to need a clean-up on Aisle 3”
[The janitor, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, grimaces.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “Don’t look like you’re not impressed” “To be fair you were flirting a lot” “And the way you bag cans I was bubbling a knot”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
Jorma Taconne: [singing] “One more frown and I’m going to pay with check”
[Andy leaves a movie theater.]
Andy Samberg: [singing] “Last week I saw a film” “As I recall it was a horror film” “Walked outside into the rain” “Checked my phone and saw you rang”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Jorma’s driving a convertible on the Upper West Side.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “Driving down the street, red lights flashing” “Need to get away, need to make a dash” “A song comes on that reminds me of you”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
Andy Samberg: [singing] “Today my alarm goes off”
[Andy wakes up from bed.]
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Jorma opens a window.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “Open ed my window and a breeze rolls in”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Andy’s watching TV on his futon.]
Andy Samberg: [singing] “At the end of SIXTH SENSE” “When Bruce Willis was dead”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Jorma holds a vine of grapes.]
Jorma Taccone: [singing] “I just ate a grape”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants” “Jizzed in my pants”
[Andy and Jorma are performing outside.]
Andy Samberg: Alright guys, can we…
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “I jizz my pants all the time” “When you’re right next to me” “And when were holding hands” “It’s like you’re having sex with me”
“You say I’m premature” “And I say it’s just like esctasy” “And when it comes around” “I feel it’s just a neccessity”
Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing] “And I jizzed in my pants”
[Andy, Jorma, and Justin rap over and over on the chorus.]
[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside a post office ]
Virgania Horsen: Do you hate the post office? The long lines? The rude employees? The danger of terrorism?
[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting on a pony in front of a green-screen image of a meadow ]
Virgania Horsen: Well, hey — why not give me your mail? I’ll deliver it!
[ cut to product card ]
Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.
[ cut to images of Virgania on the horse jmp-cutting to the center of the screen ]
Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, horsie! Just give me your mail, and tell me where you want it to go!
[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen bouncing around on horseback ]
Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!! We offer express mail!
[ cut to Virginia sitting on horsebak holding a stick and carrot in front of the pony’s face ]
Virgania Horsen: Looks like this mail’s gonna get there early.
[ cut to Virgania eating the carrot ]
Virgania Horsen: Or extra slow!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a UPS truck ]
Virgania Horsen: Yeah, right! No thanks!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a FedEx truck ]
Virgania Horsen: Bad ideas! Terrorists can stop that!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a US mail truck ]
Virgania Horsen: Don’t trust it!
[ cut to green-screen image of Virgania horsen on a baseball field, batting a parcel of mail into a mailbox on the next green-screen ]
Virgania Horsen: Home run!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting horseback in front of the green-screen ]
Virgania Horsen: If you want to ride a horse with me, that’s fine, too. There’s plenty of room!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing next to her horse in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a mailman in the invisible split-screen ]
Mailman: [ deep=voiced ] Hello, ma’am! Would you be able to help me deliver these letters to my mother for me?
Virgania Horsen: No problem! Right away!
Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Also, would it be okay if I rode on that horse with you?
Virgania Horsen: That’d be just fine!
[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ]
[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback ]
Virgania Horsen: With horses, you don’t need stamps. [ she swats an image of a stamp away ] You need stermps! [ reveal image of Virgania giving the thumbs-up on a stamp ] Which are stamps, but larger.
[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback, riding down a street and tossing mail ]
[ cut to Virgania Horsen addressing camera ]
Virgania Horsen: Just send whatever you want delivered to:
Virgania Horsen PO BOX 56425 Bloomington, ND
I’ll deliver for you!
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing by a river in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a lumberjack in the invisible split-screen ]
Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Hey! Can you deliver this toaster to California?
Virgania Horsen: No problem!
Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] And this letter, too?
Virgania Horsen: I think I can handle it!
[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ]
[ cut to product card ]
Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.
[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of the meadow ]
[ Barack Obama steps toward chair within dark setting ]
Barack Obama: Hello. I’m Barack Obama. [ he sits ] For the past few weeks, my transition team and I have been in Chicago laying the groundwork for my presidency. One thing has become clear: no matter the circumstances, I… amd gonna keep cool.
[ SUPER: “COOL” ]
[ background breaks into shades of blue-colored squares ]
Barack Obama: Examples? Let’s take Hillary Clinton. You remember her? She ran against me in the Democratic primary, and told superdelegates I couldn’t win in a general election. Hey, she brought up William Ayres before anyone. Did I exact political revenge? [ pause for coolness ] Nope. I brought her in. Why? Because… I keep it cool.
[ SUPER: “COOL” ]
[ cut to 5 boxy split-screen images, two of the boxes filled with poses of Obama ]
Barack Obama: [ scat ] “I take my kids to school I don’t lose my… temper It’s my only rule I keep it cool!”
[ cut to split-level blue-toned background ]
Barack Obama: And what about… Joe Lieberman? There’s a character. Supported John McCain. Even spoke at the Republican convention. And what did I do with Joe Lieberman? Did I strip him of his chairmanship, make him a pariah in his own party? [ coolly ] Nooooo, sir. I said let’s keep Joe close. Why? Because if given a choice… I choose cool.
Barack Obama: And, then… there’s John McCain. Mmm mmm mmm. It would have been easy to turn my back on John McCain. But I didn’t. I sat down with him, and we announced we were gonna work together to take on the critical challenges facing this nation. So, why did I do it? I think you know the answer to that. I keep it cool.
[ SUPER: “COOL” ]
[ cut to 5 boxy split-screen images, two of the boxes filled with poses of Obama and one of just his shoes ]
Barack Obama: [ scat ] “I never played the fool Don’t like pol-i-tics as u-su-al I keep it cool!”
[ cut to close-up of Obama on black background ]
Barack Obama: When I accomplish a mission, there isn’t going to be a banner. I’m just gonna do this: [ he stares coolly at the camera and nods ]
[ SUPER: “Barack Obama” ]
Announcer: This has been a message from President-Elect… Barack Obama ]
John Malkovich: Thank youuuuu! Thank you, thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is my third time hosting, but my first time at Christmas… and I… think it’s very clear that no one has more Christmas spirit than me. Uhhh — I mean, look at me! I’m FILLED with Christmas cheer. So the powers that be asked me if I might be willing to spread a little joy. So I am going to read a holiday classic: “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”.
[ a fireplace set is quickly assembled behind Malkovich ]
[ Malkovich sits in a chair and dons a Santa Clause hat as a group of children surround him on the floor below ]
John Malkovich: Now… I’ve invited all the children of the people who work here up on the stage, for this… moment. This will be our Christmas present to all of you.
[ he opens the book and reads ]
“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”
[ Malkovich removes his Santa’s head and scratches his pate ]
Itchy, itchy, itchy!
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. In the hopes that Saint Nicholas would soon be there.”
[ aside ] Now, you know what they say about hopes — they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.
[ the children stare at Malkovich with bare expressions ]
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“The children were nestled, snug in their beds, While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.”
Now, here’s a question: True or False. During the holiday season, the suicide rate increases significantly. [ the children don’t answer ] Right? Well, you get back to me on that.
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.”
You — you know that the state of California has a home invasion law, where it’s actually legal to shoot someone just for entering your residence? And I’m telling you — I mean, perfectly legal. Did you know that? [ no response ] Well… it’s true!
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, Gave a luster of midday to the objects below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.”
Now, did you know… that it is estimated that Santa’s sleigh weighs 353 thousand tons. So… traveling at 650 miles per second would create such an enormous friction, that Samta and his reindeers would burst into flames. You understand? Like the meteor entering the atmosphere. [ he leans in ] This is a scientific fact.
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“With a little old driver, so lively and so quick, I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick.”
You know, in Portugal, they don’t actually call him Saint Nick. His name is Pai Natal. And, unless children leave him a stick of butter, he steals one of their toes. [ the children are quiet ] It is rather terrifying. Oh, by the way — [ he reaches for a candy dish ] If any of you guys are in the mood for a treat, here’s a bowl of Hall’s Mentholyptus. No? Okay. [ he puts the dish away ] Suit yourselves. When I was a child, we used to suck on pennies. You know what I’m saying? And it was a delight. [ he flips through the pages of the book ] You know… I’m getting a sense that not many of you are enjoying this. I mean, am I correct in this assumption? [ the kids remain silent ] Okay. Well, anyway… kids, let’s put it this way: you have rendered all of this… useless. Okay? I’ll just skip to the end.
John Malkovich: [ continues ]
“But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
So… Merry Christmas, children. You know what? Pai Natal is coming, and he is going to feast on all your toes! [ to the audience ] Well! That went better than I thought. We’ve got a great show. T.I. is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Himself/Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont…..John Malkovich Madame Marie de Tourvel…..Kristen Wiig Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil…..Michaela Watkins Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny…..Andy Samberg
[ open on scrolling still imaes of John Malkovich ]
Announcer: John Malkovich. One of the greatest actors of stage and screen, is returning to Broadway to reprise one of his most famous roles: ??, from the 1988 film “Dangerous Liasions”. Except, this time, all the seduction, lust, and deception takes place in a hot tub.
[ dissolve to theatrical poster ]
Announcer: Don’t miss John Malkovich, in… “J’accuzi”.
[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Madame Marie de Tourvel lounging a jaccuzzi ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: You see, within a week I shall have concluded my business.
Madame Marie de Tourvel: I see.
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Even so… [ he reaches across to her in the hot, steaming waters ] I’m not sure I’ll be able to bring myself to leave.
Madame Marie de Tourvel: Oh, please! [ she pushes him aside ] You must!
[ she attempts to swim away from de Valmont and climb out of the jaccuzzi, but he stops her ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Are you still so… anxious to be rid of me?
Madame Marie de Tourvel: You know the answer to that.
[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: “J’accuzzi” is, for me, a… re-imagining of the “Dangerous Liasons” story — and, by “re-imagining”, I mean scenes from the movie, but… this time they take place in a hot tub.
[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil lounging a jaccuzzi ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Now! Yes, or no! It’s up to you, of course. I will merely confine myself to remarking that a NO will be regarded as a declaration of war! A single word is ALL that’s required!
Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil: Alright. War! [ she whips out a fan from below the water and begins to fan herself ]
[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: If you loved Glenn Close in the original… please call her and tell her that she should be in this production. The girl we have playing her part is not very good. None of the actors are. You would think people would want to work with an actor of my caliber, but it turns out the hot tub is a real deal-breaker.
[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont engaged in a swordfight duel with Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny, who promptly slays de Valmont to his final death ]
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Fetch the surgeon!
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Will you do me one final request?
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Of course.
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Take… [ he holds up a stack of wet letters ] these letters. [ and, at that, he drowns beneath the water’s surface ]
[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: I know what you’re thinking. I thought up with the title, “J’accuzzi”, first, and then worked backwards to come up with the play. Well… congratulations, geniuses! You caught me! And, the point is, if you want to see me dressed as a French aristocrat, in a hot tub, without getting to know me socially… come see “J’accuzzi”!
[ dissolve to John Malkovich and the cast taking their bows while submerged in the jaccuzzi ]
Announcer: “J’accuzzi”. Now playing at the Wintergarden Theater. Tickets still available — all of them.
John Malkovich: [ subdued ] Listen — thanks to T.I., abnd thanks to this cast and crew here, who make this the greatest gig in show business. And, thanks, all of you. Thank you very much.
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on interior, government office. A politician sits at the desk with their back and chair turned to obscure their identity. ]
Announcer: And now, a message from Secretary of State designate, Hillary Clinton.
[ Hillary Clinton turns around, a mischievous grin on her face ]
Hillary Clinton: You thought I was goooone, didn’t you! [ the audience cheers, as Poehler waves to her fans ] Hello! I’m Hillary Clinton, and I am SO excited to come before the American people tonight with the news that I will be serving in Barack Obama’s cabinet as Secretary of State. For me, this job is almost a dream come true! I so look forward to doing whatever Barack Obama ask of me in this difficult time. And, let’s be honest: it is a difficult time. In fact, one could say there has never been a worse time in our nation’s history to step into the presidency. Boo-hoo!
Seriously, would you rather fix the economy, or travel the globe? Point: Hillary! [ she laughs ] I think Barack Obama deserves the chance to fix our problems, and, should he fail to fix them, I guess by using his amazing charisma, or whatever… I will be there to lend my considerable experience. Because in today’s global economy, one could argue there’s no job more essential than Secretary of State. But the question isn’t “Is my new job better than being President?” Or “Is it better than being a senator from New York?” The question is: “Is my new job better than being Governor of Alaska?” [ she smiles smugly ] And the answer is: “Yes!” [ she beams ] “Yes, it is!” But I do want to take a moment… to reflect on Sarah Palin and her historic campaign. MOM IT UP!! BEST OF LUCK TO YA’!!
While I’m excited about the opportunities ahead, I also have a heavy heart. My appointment means that I will be leaving my post as New York’s Junior Senator. It has been such an honor to serve you, the citizens of my home state of New York. [ she chuckles loudly ] Oh, who am I kidding? This is NOT my home state! It NEVER was my home state! [ fast-paced ] Pack up the house in Chappaqua, Bill! What’s that? We never unpacked? Even better! [ she laughs ]
Bill Clinton’s Voice: Did somebody say my name?
[ Bill Clinton enters the frame, much to Hillary’s disappointment ]
Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello, Bill. Hi.
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Bill Clinton: I just want to say how happy we are… to be back in your lives, America. You voted for change… but you ain’t never gonna change this! [ he grasps Hillary’s shoulder ]
Hillary Clinton: We Clintons are here to stay! You may think we’re down, but, like the South, vampires, and Britney Spears… we will rise again!
Bill Clinton: You can complain about us all you want, but we’re gonna keep saying what we’ve been saying for sixteen years.
(Opens with a house decorated for Christmas at night. Cut to the living room, there´s a Christmas tree, Mom and Dad are decorating. Son Glenn joins them)
Glenn: Hey, mom, dad. Everything looks great.
Mom: Well, look how nice you look Glenn.
Glenn: Oh, thanks, mom. I´m wearing dad´s tie.
Dad: Hey, just don´t come around telling me you´re wearing my boxer shorts.
(They share a hearty laugh)
Mom: Now, where are the twins?
Glenn: They´re still upstairs. They´re super excited.
Mom: Ah, you know, those 2 will not stop talking about what they want for Christmas.
Dad: Tell me about it.
(The dorky twins appear wearing matching sweaters)
Mom: Merry Christmas boys.
Twin 1: Ma.
Twin 2: Ma.
Twin 1: Did you get us a calculator?
Twin 2: Are we getting a calculator?
Mom: (playfully) I´m not telling you. You´ll have to wait.
Twin 2: Glen, guess what we´re getting for Christmas?
Twin 1: Yes, yes. A calculator!
Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator!
Glenn: Yeah, that´s great.
Twin 1: Do you have any idea how fast we´re gonna do math problems?
Twin 2: Square roots!
Twin 1: Lighting speed.
Twin 2: We´re getting a state of the art calculator by Texas Instruments.
Dad: (playfully) Guys, we don´t know what you´re getting. Nobody promised you anything, OK?
Twin 1: Da-a-ad! Come on, who you kidding´? We didn´t ask for anything else.
Twin 2: When we went to Macy´s, I saw you ask the guy at the counter in front of the calculators!
Mom: OK, enough. Now who wants to help me get this stockings up?
Glenn: I´ll do it.
Twin 1: Yes, so, ma, ma, ma…
Both twins: Ma!
Twin 1: Are we gonna get a calculator?
Twin 2: That´s all we want, ma.
Twin 1: I´m gonna add so many numbers together!
Twin 2: I´m gonna keep dividing numbers until there´s like 50 numbers after the decimal!
Glenn: Why don´t you use the calculator in your computer?
Twin 1: Shut up, Glenn!
Twin 2: Nobody cares what you think! Is it almost midnight?
Mom: It is a minute past midnight. Time to open up presents.
Dad: All right, here we go.
Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator!
Twin 1: Calculator!
Twin 2: Calculator!
Dad: (picks up gift wrapped box from under the tree) This box is for Glenn.
Glenn: Aw, man…
Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator. That´s what we´re gonna get.
Glenn: (opens present) Oh, no way! Nintendo Wii!
Dad: That´s right. Good going. Enjoy it, Glenn.
Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator. I can feel it.
Glenn: Thanks, mom and dad. You guys are the best. (hugs them)
Mom: Awww…
Twin 1: Ma, ma…can we open up our presents now?
Dad: (gives them a gift wrapped box) Here you go. Now that´s for the both of you.
(The twins stare at the box dumbfounded. They sit, speechless)
Twin 1: God, to Paul and Aidan.
Twin 2: I´m gonna need freakout control.
Twin 1: (shakes box a little) So, this is about the size of a Texas Instruments A 100. I can feel it.
Twin 2: I´m gonna start crying.
Mom: Why don´t you just open it?
(The twins open the present up. Twin 2 holds a white calculator in his hand. They look at each other and freak out)
Both Twins: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Twin 1: Oh, my God!! We got a calculator!!
Twin 2: Its the best day, I ever had! Its a calculator! Finally, this…a calculator!!
Twin 1: Oh, my God!!
Twin 2: I can´t believe this!! Oh, ma! That´s unbelievable! ( gets up and gives hugs to Mom, Glenn and Dad)
Twin 1: Oh, my God! (gets up and hugs Mom, Glenn and Dad) Thanks you, ma!
(Twins sit back down)
Twin 2: A calculator!
Twin 1: Thank you! Oh, my God! Look, look (pointing at the calculator)…we own this now!! We own it! We can do anything we want!
Twin 2: Its a calculator!
Twin 1: Oh, my God! (hugs his twin by the neck and throws himself in the couch)
Twin 2: I´m never gonna forget this! Its a calculator!
Twin 1: Its ours!
Twin 2: Take a picture of this!
Glenn: Sometimes I can´t believe I´m related to them.
Mom: They´re pretty brilliant.
Dad: They certainly are.
Twin 1: Umm, do…umm, 89 X 56.
(Twin 2 presses buttons on calculator. Both twins look at the result)
Both Twins: WHOOOOAHHH!!
Twin 1: Do 17.5 divided by 374.
Twin 2: I´m gonna, whooooaa, I´m gonna try like 9, 9, 9, 9 times 0! (punches the buttons on the calculator, the twins look at the result)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 6th, 2008 John Malkovich T.I. None Jamie-Lynn Sigler Molly Sims Justin Timberlake Swizz Beatz Jorma Taccone
A Message from the Secretary of State DesignateSummary: Newly-appointed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) swears she doesn’t hold a grudge against Barack Obama for getting to be president. Note: Amy Poehler returns from maternity leave. Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
John Malkovich’s MonologueSummary: John Malkovich reads “The Night Before Christmas” to a group of crew members’ children, but keeps interrupting the story to educate them about the real story behind the traditional tale. First Hosted: 88j. Transcript
Gas RightSummary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one’s butt cheeks.
ShanaSummary: Office workers (Will Forte, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson) are enamored by new girl Shana (Kristen Wiig), who possesses great sex appeal until she walks and talks.
Cool ObamaSummary: Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) points out just how cool he is. Recurring Characters: Barack Obama. Transcript
La Rivista Della TelevisioneSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews John Malkovich and shows a clip from his sex film “Being Vinny Vedecci”. Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, crew members. Transcript
Virgania Horsen’s Pony ExpressSummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) offers an alternative to traditional mail services that could be under terrorist attack. Recurring Characters: Virgania Horsen. Transcript
TwinsSummary: All twin brothers Aiden (John Malkovich) and Paul (Fred Armisen) want for Christmas is a calculator. Transcript
T.I. performs “Whatever You Like”
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Plaxico Burress (Kenan Thompson) gives gun-carrying tips, then accidentlaly shoots himself again. 9-year old David Rasmussen (Andy Samberg) offers tips on how to meet girls. Boy George (Fred Armisen) doesn’t see anything wrong with his recent crime arrest. Recurring Characters: Boy George.
The Lost Works of Judy BlumeSummary: Awkward teenager Gertie (John Malkovich) harbors a secret she hopes won’t be revealed at a slumber party.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about “Jizz In My Pants”. Transcript
T.I. & Swizz Beatz perform “Swing Ya Rag”
J’accuziSummary: John Malkovich stars in a version of “Dangerous Liasions” that is set in a jacuzzi. Transcript
…..Seth Meyers Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Arianna Huffington…..Michaela Watkins Zell Miller…..Will Forte
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is still on assignment. Here are tonight’s top stories:
The heads of Detroits Big Three automakers went to Washington on Tuesday to beg Congress for a $25 billion bailout. While heads of Japans automakers had sex with beautiful women and then slept like babies.
It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes. [ image: Palin’s book, titled “Jus’ Tellin’ My Story” ]
Health groups are demanding that Phillip Morris withdraw their new product, Virginia Slims Superslim Lights, which come in a lipstick sized pack of 20 cigarettes, that they say are “clearly designed to appeal to teen girls.” Plus, while you smoke one, it talks to you about “Twilight”.
The Disney Channel group, Cheetah Girls, was removed from the Macys Thanksgiving Day parade after semi-nude photos of one of its members appeared online. Although, I dont know why theyre holding the Cheetah Girls to a higher standard than Snoopy. [ image: black-barred photo of Snoopy ]
In recent days, Barack Obama has started to fill out his cabinet positions, inclusing Secretary of State. Here now, to discuss these choices, former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth. Where’s Blondie?
Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — Amy’s not here.
Bill Clinton: [ adjusting his tie ] You have to give me a heads-up when there are gonna be changes like that.
Seth Meyers: I-I’m sorry.
Bill Clinton: And, Amy, wherever you are, I just want to say: [ he mimes a telephone with his fingers and mouths “Call Me” ]
Seth Meyers: Okay. So, anyways — the cabinet.
Bill Clinton: Yes, the cabinet. Uh, Seth, I am here tonight to make a very exciting announcement. And, even though I’m not supposed to say anything, I — I can’t help myself! After the holiday, Barack Obama will officially appoint ME… Husband to the Secretary of State.
Seth Meyers: You mean, he will appoint Hillary Secretary of State?
Bill Clinton: Say it however you want to say it, Seth. The point is, I am honored. Now, it’s true that this move will make Hillary the Secretary of State, and it is gonna be great. But I just want to say to all of those world leaders out there who thought they were gonna be dealing with a cool operator like Barack Obama: SUR-PRIIIISE!! You got Hillary! [ he chuckles heartily, then bites his lip ] Best of luck to ya’! Whatever excuses you despots and tyrants are gonna use to explain your bad behavior, just throw those right out the window — she sees through ALL of them! There are only three you’re gonna need when Hillary shows up: I… am… sorry! [ he smiles ] It don’t work all the time, but sometimes it’s a good place to start.
Seth Meyers: Okay. Now, uh — one of the hold-ups to Hillary’s appointment were your finances, but reports are you’ve agreed to turn everything over to the Obama transition team.
Bill Clinton: You know, Seth, I was just hoping for someone to ask me about my finances. If I TOLD you how much I made for a speaking engagement without you asking me, it would sound like bragging! Because it is a SICK number! I mean, you can’t believe what people pay me for talking. Talking! My second all-time favorite activity! [ he smiles ]
Seth Meyers: So what will this appointment mean for Bill Clinton?
Bill Clinton: Well, now, the position of Husband to the Secretary of State is a position that requires a lot of international traveling. I’ll be honest — I’m looking forward to spreading American goodwill. I’m gonna spread it from the snow-topped peaks of the Himalayas, to the topless beaches of Rio… to the bottomless beaches of Abisa. Yeah. So, in conclusion, I will take my show on the road. I will support Barack Obama. And I will not allow my finances to screw this up for Hillary, because, if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: the LAST thing I want to do… is screw Hillary.
Seth Meyers: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Clinton!
Bill Clinton: [ mimes telephone again, then exits the news desk ]
Seth Meyers: Its been confirmed that the government is developing tiny, insect-like robots which would be used to spy on enemies and possibly attack them. So, sorry for ever doubting you, Gary Busey.
A new report shows that a large number of Americans are “alarmingly uninformed” about the history of the U.S. and its founding principles. Experts say the number could be as high as 1 in 4. [ image: John McCain, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama, Joe Biden ]
Suri Cruise, the 2 year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, tops the Forbes.com second annual list of “Hollywoods 10 Hottest Tots”. Which begs the question: What the hell is going on at Forbes.com?
President Bush, this week, said he will do all he can to help Barack Obama with his transition into the White House. Here to comment, political pundit, and creator of the Huffington Post — Arianna Huffington.
Arianna Huffington: Oh! Hello! Hi, Seth! Hi! I’m Arianna Huffington. You know… this George Bush, he’s done it again. He says he wants to help Barack Obama with his transition. Listen! George! You hae done e-nough! Don’t do anything else! Don’t! Don’t even water a plant.
Seth Meyers: So I take it you’re not a huge fan of George Bush?
Arianna Huffington: Oh, listen, Seth, please! It’s like this country was a brand new BMW, and George Bush smashed it into a tree. And now, he’s tossing the keys to Barack Obama and he says, “Enjoy! It’s all yours!” You know?
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I see… yeah…
Arianna Huffington: Listen! Listen! Two nights ago, I was having drinks with Madeliea Albright and Chuck from the “Gossip Girl”… and, you know, they agree with me: George Bush helping out Barack Obama is like the Skeletor helping the He-Man. You know? It’s crazy. It’s like an arsonist who burns down your house and then asks, “Do you need help moving?”
Seth Meyers: Okay, um — well, uh — [ he chuckles ] Maybe we should just focus on some of the positives.
Arianna Huffington: Okay. Good! Okay. Uh, let’s see… the good news is that politics is sexy again — and I should know, I had sexy for breakfast, so… I mean, the only thing sexual about the Bush administration is the war in Iraq. Really! I mean, it’s pornographic, this war. We went into a foreign place — totally unprotected — there’s a big surge, we don’t pull out — it’s disgusting! You know — you know what I am talking about — ’cause I sure don’t. Okay, good night!
Ron Howard, this week, praised Angelina Jolies efforts as a working actress and mother of six, and complimented her for coping with such “huge undertakings”. I have to agree, though this is the first time Ive heard them referred to as “undertakings”.
Debby, the oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a zoo at the age of 42. Debby is survived by her two daughters, Cindy, Crystal, and her stepson, Kareem. [ image: black bear cub ]
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz gave birth, Thursday, to a boy named Bronx Mowgli. As in: “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wentz. Bronx Mowgli got beat up at school again.”
On December 2nd, the state of Georgia will hold a special run-off election between Republican Saxby Chambliss, and Democrat Jim Martin. Here to comment, is former Georgia senator Zell Miller.
Zell Miller: It’s good to be here, Seth!
Seth Meyers: So… you’re a registered Democrat, yet you’ve been campaigning pretty hard for the Republican candidate, Saxby Chambliss.
Zell Miller: Seth, I would sooner drink hemlock than vote for that namby-pamby Jim Martin! I mean, what kind of name is that — Jim Martin?! You know, back in my day, a guy named Jim Martin comes up to you and says he’s runnin’ for the Senate, you put him in a BARREL and send him over a WATERFALL!! I want a man up there with a name I can TRUST! A man with a name like the guys I grew up with! A man with a name like Saxby Chambliss! Or Zackamore Hooberry! Goolsby Scroggins! Mortimer Fapp! Derval Mackinaw! Ebenezer Yakbain! Jasper Quazzeltoot! I used to work in a saloon with a guy named Peabody Tilcutt! Now, I don’t know a thing about his politics, but I would vote for that man for President of the United States! Unless his running mate had a name like Jim Martin! That’s why I’m voting for Saxby Chambliss!
Seth Meyers: So, that’s the only reason you’re voting for him?
Zell Miller: What, just think of what will happen to this country if a man like Jim Martin is elected to the Senate! You know, next thing you know some guy named Mark Smith gets in there! And then John Brown! And then Mike Black! And then, soon the entire country is being run by Browns and Blacks!
Seth Meyers: You know, out of context, umm — that could sound pretty bad, so maybe you want to retract that last statement?
Zell Miller: ZELL MILLER RETRACTS NOTHING, SETH!!! ow, trust me, you do not want a guy like Jim Martin in the Senate!! Okay? You’d be much better off with a man named Bernhart Barnthistle!! Or Templeton Thappletrap! Fitzner Blout! Beezleton Kernwinkle! Kip Joggletog! You know, I’m kinda runnin’ out of names here — but you get the point! Oh, thought of another one: Clementine Dimplethippy!
Seth Meyers: So, this really is just about the name?
Zell Miller: [ outraged ] Oh, okay! It looks like we got a Jim Martin supporter here!! You’re lucky I left my scabbard in my hot air balloon!! Oh, got another one! Foster Macadoodledoodiedoo!!
Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Is that even a real name?
Zell Miller: [ stands and runs ] Oh, where’s that scabbard?! Where’s the scabbard?!
Seth Meyers: Alright, Zell Miller, everybody!
[ image: Madonna ] This week, a British court released a cougar back into the wild.
In an interview in “The New Yorker”, Prince reveals that, since he joined the Jehovahs Witnesses two years ago, he has started leaving his gated community to knock on doors and preach the word of his Christian denomination. Finally creating an occasion to say, “Oh, my god, hide, Prince is coming.”
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
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