Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 10th, 2009 Neil Patrick Harris Taylor Swift None Liza Minnelli None
The Rachel Maddow ShowSummary: Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott) interviews disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudekis) and his Sente appointee, Roland Burris (Kenan Thompson). Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich. Transcript
Montage
Neil Patrick Harris’ MonologueSummary: Neil Patrick Harris makes a point-for-point criticism of former child star Fred Savage’s SNL hosting stint in 1990, and is then made the object of poorly-constructed jokes by a group of goofy audience members (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Bobby Moyhnihan) and Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg). Recurring Characters: Mark Wahlberg. Transcript
TodaySummary: The fourth and final hour of “Today” is a train wreck, as co-hosted by chatty Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) and an insufferable Hoda Kotb (Michaela Watkins). Tensions build when they welcom a fitness instructor (Neil Patrick Harris) to the set. Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford.
Save BroadwaySummary: At Sardi’s, a group of Broadway performers struggle to find a way to keep the faltering economy from preventing the cancellation of their long-running stage shows. Transcript
PenelopeSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups the other members of a gropu therapy session by bragging of her close friendship with Liza Minnelli. Recurring Characters: Penelope, Lou.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Doogie Howser, M.D.” theme song.
Taylor Swift performs “Love Story”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) makes excuses for his latest traffic violation. Will Forte sings a song about the BCS. Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.
Two First NamesSummary: Neil Patrick Harris welcomes other famous celebrities with two first names, while shunning wanna-bes like Daniel-Day Lewis (Bill Hader). Recurring Characters: David Lee Roth, Jamie Lee Curtis, Daniel-Day Lewis.
Fran & FrebaSummary: Long-nailed air traffic controllers Fran (Neil Patrick Harris) and Freba (Kristen Wiig) gab about co-worker Gil (Will Forte).
Frost/Other Peopleb>Summary: In a trailer for the “Frost/Noxin” sequel, David Frost (Neil Patrick Harris) ineptly interviews a slew of other 70’s-era celebrities with little to hide. Recurring Characters: David Frost, Richard Nixon, David Bowie, David Crosby, Paul Lynde. Transcript
Taylor Swift performs “Forever & Always”
Whopper VirginsSummary: Burger King execs (Neil Patrick Harris, Kristen Wiig) discover immigrants (Bobby Moyhnihan, Michaela Watkins, Fred Armisen) who not only have never eaten a Whopper but are also unable to comprehend its purpose. Transcript
Emcee….Jason Sudeikis Aunt Jonie….Michaela Watkins David Culhane….Andy Samberg Tina Culhane….Abby Elliott Bob Kemp….Hugh Laurie Gayle….Kristen Wiig Ex-Boyfriend….Fred Armisen Friend of a cousin….Will Forte Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with a sign announcing a wedding. Banquet Hall B. Culhane Wedding. Cut to the wedding. A 50 ish woman with thick eyeglasses makes a toast to the newly married couple Tina and David)
Aunt Jonie: (mic in hand) …and I know you just think of me as your crazy aunt Jonie, heh! But I just, I just wanna say that David and Tina, I´m so happy that you have found each other because you deserve nothing but happiness. And I love you guys. (raises glass)
All: Awwwwww.
(Emcee is a young guy in a tuxedo)
Emcee: (gets the mic back) That´s very nice. Very, very nice. All right, we have had a long, long night of toasts that seems like everyone had something to say, tonight. But we´re gonna move on and now its time to get up and boogie. So we´re gonna– (a man with unkempt hair and a cheap suit whispers on the emcee´s ear) Oh, what did you say? (more whispering) Absolutely, sure. Yes, ok, one last toast. Final toast, here we go.
(Emcee gives the mic to Bob)
Bob Kemp: I´m sure a lot of you know me. I´m Bob Kemp. I have been friends with Tina´s dad for, uh, how long has it been? Gus? How long has it been? Nick? How long has it been? How long has it been? Steven? Kevin? How long has it been? How long has it been? I´ll be back.
(gives mic to the emcee)
Emcee: Ok, all right. That was great. Ok,(a young long-haired dude steps up to the emcee) Last toast, last toast.(gives the guy the mic)
Ex-boyfriend: Yeah. So, Tina look, we ended bad. Yes, that´s right, ex-boyfriend to the bride at the wedding! Congratulations. David seems to have a lot of money. You know, uh, Tina I was thinking about the last time we had sex. Something wasn´t right. I don´t mean physically, physically… physically was great. (newlyweds are uncomfortable) So passionate, so glorious, so inventive. It was always great. We never had a problem in that department. But we´ve all moved on. I moved on and sure I still think about you when I make love and I´m sure you do too. So, uh, have fun.
(Ex gives mic back to emcee)
Emcee: Ok, great. There we go, wow, ok so…the toasts are now officially—(a woman with an oxygen tank and tubes down her nose goes to the emcee) Hi.
(emcee gives her the mic)
Gayle: Hey. (breaths heavy into the mic) My name is Gayle. The boss of the groom. I was not invited to this wedding and I do not have a ride home. In fact if anyone has a car that will fit me and my oxygen tank, we´re in business. Ugh, I have to pee so bad! I gotta end this speech now.
(hands back mic to emcee)
Emcee: Ok, great. All right, ok, thank you Gayle. Ok, so now its time to go dancing…(Bob comes back) Yeah, ok sure. This is it. No more after this. (emcee gives him the mic)
Bob Kemp: Ok, I think I figured it out. I believe Tina´s dad and me been friends for 32 years. I came to this number because I had a Corvette for 1967, 1968. Then I got a Datsun, I must´ve had that Datsun until…let´s say 1974. (emcee walks behind him desperate, hands in his head) Then came the Fiat, well anyway, I met Dave in between the Datsun and the Corvette. No, it was before the Corvette. Or was it the beetle? Ok, I´ll be back.
(Emcee gets the mic, losing patience)
Emcee: Ok, uh, all right. Thank you. Ok, now we only got 15 minutes left to dance…(a guy snatches the mic off the emcee´s hands)
Obnoxious guy: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-at?! (drops mic to the floor, causing feedback, walks away)
(emcee picks mic up)
Emcee: What the hell is that? Sorry about that. I don´t know who that is. (a guy with blond hair and silver sunglasses walks up to the emcee) Oh, (whispers to the guy) You´re killing me, you´re killing me. Ok, here we go. Final one.
(emcee gives him the mic)
Friend of a cousin: I´m a friend of a cousin. This is such a great, great time for love. Why wouldn´t it be? It´s winter time. Chestnuts are roasting as they say. Its also the dawn of a new political era. And I think a great mistake´s been made with this Obama. But love endures, love heals, love will help tamper the effects of putting a black man in Office. Love abides, love abides. To the two of you, a great couple. A great white couple. I wish you the best. I wish you put simply, love.
(emcee close by to end it)
Emcee: Love, love. All right.
(Bob gets the mic back. Emcee is furious with himself)
Bob Kemp: Ok, I got it, I got it. It was 27 years, cause I wasn´t factoring in my Dodge Aztec. Which reminded me that I had a Chrysler Le Baron at one point. Which when I look back at all the cars, it is probably the most reliable car I have ever owned. Yeah. So, here´s to the couple. From someone whose been married 7 times. Let me tell you. Keep your books separate.
(Emcee gets the mic back)
Emcee: Ok, great. Ok everybody. Get up now, we´re going over to the dance floor. Time to boogie.
(Opens with an office meeting. Some employees sitting in a conference room. Tom is the boos, he stands at the head of the table. A gloomy mood is in the room)
Tom: (worried) Good afternoon everyone. You´ve been working extra hard these past months. Appreciate you coming in. There´s coffee and the….Philadelphia branch sent over cookies, so help yourselves…
Employee 1: Tom, what´s all this about? We´re hearing a lot of rumors about layoffs.
Lisa: Yeah, I got an e-mail. It freaked me out a little.
Tom: Yeah, well there´s gonna be some serious changes starting tomorrow.
(Marcus is on the opposite of the table but he reaches to the plate of cookies, almost laying his whole body on the table to get them, eats cookie)
Employee 1: How serious are we talking here?
Tom: I´m hearing they might be shutting down whole departments.
Employee 1: I knew it, I knew it.
Employee 2: I told you, I told you.
Marcus: Oh, awesome. Sorry. (reaches for more cookies)
Lisa: Tom, what about us? Are we going to lose our jobs?
Tom: I don´t know, Lisa. This whole year is full of surprises.
Employee 3: Oh, man. The holidays are coming up.
Employee 2: The worst were to happen, we still get a severance package, right?
Tom: Of course, well, I mean I´m assuming so.
Marcus: (eating cookies, like nothing is happening) Um, my last one. Don´t tell my trainer, he´s gonna kill me. Our little cookie secret.
Employee 3: I don´t understand how they could not give us 3 weeks notice.
Marcus: Yes.
Employee 1: Yeah, tell me about it. Is that asking too much?
Tom: I know, I know. Its been tough on me too, guys.
Marcus: Sorry, guys. (Laying across the table to get the cookies) I´m a cookie mouse.
Tom: Marcus, you want to move the cookie tray to you? Would that make it easier?
Marcus: No. I´m done. But somebody should arrest this cookie company for cookie-cide.
Employee 2: I can´t believe this is happening.
Tom: I´m sorry everybody. This whole nightmare just landed on my desk this morning.
Employee 4: Not your fault. Everyone is going through it.
Marcus:(taking more cookies) Is anyone gonna have this? The butter strippy ones…
Tom:(upset) Marcus!
Marcus: Uh-huh?
Tom: You may want to pay attention to what´s going on! Your department, Internet sales, is one of our biggest expenses!
Marcus: I wish I could stop. Should put a security guard for cookie patrol. (eats cookie)
Employee 1: Marcus, enough! You understand the gravity of what´s going on here?
Lisa: Will you stop pretending you can´t control yourself? Just eat the damn cookies!
Marcus:(settles in the middle of the table) Don´t have to tell me twice.(eats cookies) Its got almonds in it, that one. (the group watches in disbelief) I think its dark chocolate. (eats more cookies) I´m bad. Gonna have to take me to cookie court. Guilty as charged, your honor. Cookie crimes.(bites into cookie) Oh, orange peel, orange peel. There´s ginger in it too.
(Another employee enters the conference room)
Employee 5: Afternoon. (looks at Marcus on the table eating cookies) Are you eating those cookies?
Marcus: Yeah. Is there a problem?
Employee 5: Well, they´re a prototype from the Gogolex Corporation. They´re not cookies at all. They´re stool softeners.
Marcus: I have a question. Which is closer, the men´s room or the ladies?
Employee 1: Get out this way, get out this way. (points towards door)
(Marcus leaves but turns and takes one last cookie before leaving again)
Marcus: Excuse me.
(Conference room is silent for a few seconds, employee 1´s hand slowly creeps towards the plate of cookies)
Kanye West: [ singing ] “I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to What I had to do, had to run from you I’m in love with you, but the vibe is wrong And that haunted me, all the way home So ya never know, never never know Never know enough, ’til it’s over love ‘Til we lose control, system overload Screamin’ no no no, no no I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you So I keep it low, keep a secret code So everybody else don’t have to know
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down You keep ya love locked down, you lose
I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to I can’t keep my cool, so I keep it true I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move I can’t keep myself, and still keep you too So I keep in mind, when I’m on my own Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone How many times did I take ’til I finally got through you lose, you lose I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to See I had to go, see I had to move No more wastin’ time, you can’t wait for life which is wastin’ time, where’s the finish line
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down You keep ya love locked down, you lose
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to I met no one new, I got no one new I know I said I’m through, but got love for you But I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to Gotta keep it goin’, keep the lovin’ goin’ Keep it on a roll, only God knows If I be with you, baby I’m confused You choose, you choose I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to Where I want to go, I don’t need you I’ve been down this road, too many times before I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, you lose So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, you lose.”
Hugh Laurie: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, boys and girls… Sweetcheeks, thank you so much. You know, it’s wonderful to be back here, uh, on the show. It’s also wonderful to be back in the great city of New York. Especially — I have to tell you — at this time of year, because New York, at Christmas, is truly a magical place. Uhhh — on Thursday, for example, I had an amazing Christmas-y experience here in New York. It was straight out of Charles Dickens — I had my pocket picked. Um, this little chap grabbed my wallet and he disappeared into the crowd. I tried following him, but, uh, weirdly, the crowd started doing this very complicated dance routine. So… I lost him. That’s a sort of “Oliver Twist” joke — never mind! It was a nuisance because the wallet had, you know, the driver’s license, credit cards… and $65,000 in cash. I just pray that I’m covered.
Uhhh — besides being the Christmas show, this is also, of course, the last show of 2008. [ the audience applauds ] And what an amazing year it’s been. On the plus side: you’ve had the most exciting election in the history of American politics. [ the audience screams and cheers ] Of course, on the minus side: everything else. In fact, I suppose, for half of you, even the election was a bit of a downer.
Um… you know, but let’s put all of that behind us, because… this is a time for giving. And, in the spirit of giving, I asked if I could give, tonight, each member of the audience… a present. [ the audience cheers their approval ] A little bit like Oprah. Not too much. Uhh — and they said NO! They just said NO! I sid, “Uhhh, not even a tiny, cheap one?” And they said NO! And I said, “Well, then what about one nice one? To just one member of the audience?” They said NO! I said, “What –?” And they said, “SHUT UP!” And they said, “You can give ONE tiny, cheap one… to one member of the audience.” [ the audience cheers as a stagehand brings a huge gift-wrapped bag to Laurie ] So, on behalf of “Saturday Night Live”, I would like to give… [ reaches into bag, pulls out tiny object ] this chapstick… to uh… [ looks among the audience ] to… you, Madam. [ he hands the chapstick to a woman in the audience ] So… it’s hardly used… A very Merry Christmas to you.
Woman: Thank you!
Hugh Laurie: Could you give me the bow back, please?
[ he pulls the bow off the chapstick and deposits it back into the gift bag ]
Never mind the recession. Christmas is Christmas! [ he grabs a microphone ] Alright? We must embrace the joy of the season. So, with your kind indulgence… I would like to begin the show — as I like to begin every show that I’m hosting this evening — with a medley of classic Christmas songs. [ the audience cheers ] No, wait — there’s a catch. I should explain — uh — that if you sing more that three seconds of any song… you have to pay royalties on the whole thing. Uh — yeah. Anyway, here it is. Merry Christmas!
[singing ]
“I’m dreaming of a white Chri–
You’ll never find shee–
Rudolph the Red–
So this is Christma–
The weather outside–
Bom ba ba bom bom–
I’m gonna make you–
Chestnutssss.”
[ he shrugs ]
We have a great show tonight! T.I. is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ open on Hugh Laurie standing onstage with the cast. He covers his ear in confusion. ]
Hugh Laurie: Am I on now?
[ Kanye West suddenly jumps up to join them onstage ]
Hugh Laurie: [ waving his arms ] That’s it! That’s it! I’ve had a fantastic time, I hope you’ve enjoyed it! Thanks to Kanye West! Maya Rudolph! Goodbye and good luck to Amy Poehler! Thanks to all of you! Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!
Nancy….Casey Wilson Judith….Kristen Wiig Phil….Jason Sudeikis Hugh….Hugh Laurie Will….Will Forte
(Opens with a shot of a house decorated for Christmas. It is snowing. Cut to a family dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere while they eat in silence)
Nancy: Anyone want another crescent roll? (lifts up basket) Phil? Crescent roll?
Phil: (annoyed he holds up 2 crescent rolls) Look, look.
Hugh: Nancy, stop it.
Nancy: Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.
Judith: Looks like we´re getting a lot of snow tonight.
Will: (offended) What?!
Phil: (dripping sarcasm) Wow, wow!
Nancy: Weather girl over here!
Hugh: (sarcastic) Snow?
Phil: Al Roker, thank you. Who´s 100?
Will: (angry) That´s some helpful information. That is really nice. What´s it gonna be in a week? Is it gonna rain?!
(Judith gets up from the table)
Phil: Judith!! Judith!! Sit DOWN!!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!!
Phil: Sit down!! Sit down!!
(Judith sits down angrily. Silence)
Nancy: Is anyone ready for dessert?
Hugh: (angry) Well, let see! Scalloped potatoes still on my plate! Green beans still on my plate! Honey baked ham still on my plate! So I´d say no! I´m still eating.
Nancy: So, no?
Hugh: No.
Nancy: No? No?
Judith: He said no.
Nancy: I heard him, I heard him.
(Hateful looks go back and forth between the family members)
Will: Wow, I´ve never had potatoes like this before.
Nancy: (offended) No, uh-uh, uh-uh. It was a tone, it was a tone.
Will: What did I say?!
Phil: (uncomfortable to Hugh) Can you please move over a little?!
Hugh: No, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh… no!
(That talk over each other, a cacophony of “No”´s and “uh-uh”´s)
(Judith has enough. She gets up from the table to leave and the family explodes on her once more)
Phil: JUDITH!! JUDITH!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!!
(Judith sits down enraged. Silence)
Nancy: Anyone need more wine?
(Everyone raises their glasses hungrily for wine)
Will: Yes!
Hugh: Yes!
Judith: Yes!
Phil: Yes! Red wine, please!
Hugh: (drinks) Ah, mother´s milk.
Phil: Oh, shut up! Shut up!
Hugh: What?! What?! What?! I say it once a year! Once a year!
Nancy: You know what?! F Christmas! F you! F you! F you! F you, Judith!
Judith: Oh, F you too. (Judith gets up from the table again)
Phil: Judith!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!! SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Phil: SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!!!
(Judith sits down fuming)
Nancy: Another Christmas is ruined! You know, this is worse than the cruise! Merry F´ing Christmas! YOU KNOW WHAT?!
Hugh: DAMN I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IT!!!!
(Silence. Hugh gets up and stares out the window)
Hugh: (sweetly) Silent night….holy night….all is calm…
Nancy and Judith: All is calm….
Hugh: All is bright….
Nancy and Judith: All is bright….
(Everyone stands up and hug one another while they sing with love)
Everyone: Round yon virgin, mother and child….holy infant, so tender and mild…sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.
Hugh: (angry) Ok, I wanted to sing the piece on my own!
(Family resume angry fighting, Judith finally leaves the table and the family call angrily after her)
C-SPAN Announcer…..Jim Downey Christopher Dodd…..Darrell Hammond Rod Blagojevich…..Jason Sudeikis Evan Bayh…..Will Forte Richard Shelby…..Bobby Moynihan Elizabeth Dole…..Casey WilsonRobert Byrd…..Bill Hader Patti Blagojevich…..Kristen Wiig
[Open on C-SPAN bumper that reads: LATER: President Bush Addresses Elementary School Students.]
C-SPAN Announcer: Later, President Bush attempts to justify his place in history to a group of skeptical third graders. But first [C-SPAN bumper dissolves to another bumper that reads: NEXT: Governor Blagojevich (D-IL) Testifies Before Senate Banking Committee.], we take you live to a hearing of the Senate Banking Committee, where Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is about to shake down Congress for money.
[Dissolve to a wide shot of the Senate Banking Committee members, Senator Richard Shelby, Senator Elizabeth Dole, Senator Christopher Dodd, Senator Evan Bayh (though the name plate is misspelled, Byah), and Senator Robert C. Byrd, seated as the hearing commences amid the studio audiences cheering and applause]
Christopher Dodd: Governor Blagojevich, youve asked for an opportunity to address this committee today, in order to request your own personal bailout package, which you claim is essential if you are to, quote, achieve true financial independence and enjoy the lifestyle youve always dreamed of, end quote.
[Cut to Governor Rod Blagojevich, seated across from the Senate Banking Committee panel, nodding]
Rod Blagojevich: F[bleep]in A, Senator.
Christopher Dodd: Youre currently facing federal charges for attempting to sell, to the highest bidder, the Illinois Senate seat left vacant by the election of Senator Obama. Why do you feel entitled to a government bailout?
Rod Blagojevich: First of all, Senator, because it was a federal prosecutor who spiked my deal to sell the Senate seat in the first place. And second, because if I dont get this bailout, I swear to God, I will appoint some psycho motherf[bleep]er who will tear this fr[bleep]in place apart! Believe meI will do it and you will NOT be happy!
Christopher Dodd: Fair enough. The chair recognizes the gentleman from Alabama.
Richard Shelby: Governor Blagojevich, I have looked over your proposal here, and I will agree: it is quite detailed. You have offered to appoint a well-qualified senator chosen by your state legislature, and in return, you asked for the following: $750,000 in cash, your Visa and Discover cards paid, your nephew Mickey appointed head of the Centers for Disease Control, U.S. attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, quote, whacked, andand the leather jacket pictured on page 112 of the October GQ.
Rod Blagojevich: Mm-hmm. Thats right. Its the one Troy Aikmans wearing.
Richard Shelby: Well, right off the bat, I can tell you, a couple of these items are going to be difficult.
Rod Blagojevich: Uh-huh. All right. What about an ambassadorship?
Evan Bayh: Uh, excuse me. An ambassadorship?
Rod Blagojevich: Yeah. Like, I dont know, Turkey.
Evan Bayh: Governor, lets be clear: you are not going to be named ambassador to Turkey. Uh, right now, thats one of our most sensitive diplomatic posts.
Rod Blagojevich: [chuckling] Hey, relax [puts up his hands defensively], Im not actually going to go there. Its a no-show job.
Evan Bayh: Well, forget it.
Rod Blagojevich: All right, well, in that case, I guess Ill have to appoint myself to the Senate.
[Everyone on the Senate Banking Committee panel groans, No! and Come on!]
Rod Blagojevich: Let meuh, let me ask you guys something. What do senators make these days?
Christopher Dodd: $169,300 a year.
Rod Blagojevich: Fr[bleep]k?! Thats it?!
Christopher Dodd: Thats it.
Rod Blagojevich: With health benefits?
Christopher Dodd: Yes.
Rod Blagojevich: And what about the hours? Do you guys have to come in on Mondays and Fridays?
Elizabeth Dole: I wouldnt get too deep into this, Governor. Im fairly certain this body is not going to seat you.
Rod Blagojevich: Really?
Elizabeth Dole: Andand let me add something: In my opinion, you are a disgrace to the state of Illinois. [briefly considers what she just said]: Well, maybe not to Illinois, but you know what Im sayin. If you were the governor of any other state, you would be a disgrace to that state.
Rod Blagojevich: [after a brief silence] F[bleep]k you! [a beat]: Hey, would any of you guys be interested in purchasing the actual wedding ring of President Abraham Lincoln? Cuz I got it, and yes, it is for sale–$250 Gs. [slides in a wooden jewelry case and opens it, revealing a skeleton hand with a gold wedding band on the ring finger]: The hand is included unless, of course, you dont want the hand.
Robert Byrd: Uh, uh, are we to infer, Governor, this sacred artifact was looted from the tomb of our 16th President on the Illinois State Capital Ground?
Rod Blagojevich: Well, lets just say that, on completion of the sale, the buyer will receive a certificate of authenticity along with the videotape to back it up.
Robert Byrd: My God, youre nothing but a common grave-robber! A body snatcher! A resurrectionist!
Rod Blagojevich: [as he closes the jewelry case] Senator, I did not come here to be called names. Do you want the ring or not?
Robert Byrd: NO, I dont want the ring!
Rod Blagojevich: Fine, fine. Suit yourselves. Ive got a buyer in Japan whos offered two million yen. I just thought it would be nice if the ring stayed here in this country, thats all. Cowch[bleep]s!
Evan Bayh: Governor, I think what youre doing is just plain wrong, and I hope you realize two million yen is only about $18,000.
Rod Blagojevich: Really? [realizes hes been cheated]: That motherf[bleep]er!
[Rod Blagojevichs wife, Patti, suddenly leans into the frame]
Patti Blagojevich: I wanna be on the board of NASA!
Christopher Dodd: Would security please remove this person?
Rod Blagojevich: No, no, no, Senator, this is my wife, Patti.
Patti Blagojevich: [to Rod] I wanna be on the board of NASA!
Rod Blagojevich: No, sweetie, honey. Look, theyre not gonna. They say youre not qualified.
Patti Blagojevich: Well, f[bleep]k them! I just got my Class 3 real estate license.
[Cut to a brief reaction shot of Senators Dodd and Bayh watching Patti chew out her husband]
Rod Blagojevich: [covers the microphone at his side] Honey, why dont you go wait in the car?
Patti Blagojevich: [points at him accusingly] You promised. F[bleep]ker! [leaves. Rod looks slightly embarrassed]
Christopher Dodd: Well, Governor, I think this committee has heard about enough today. Unless you have something more to add, I move we adjourn this hearing.
Rod Blagojevich: Okay, just one thing, Senator. I want to thank the committee for allowing me to testify here today. It really is an impressive settingthis hearing room. And I think we can all agree; it would be a real shame if something were to happen to it.
Christopher Dodd: [not following] What do you mean?
Rod Blagojevich: Oh, you know, likeyou know, like a fire or something. These old buildings with the old wiringtheyre always catching fire. If youre interested, I, uh, I have some friends who can keep an eye on the place when no ones around. They can also watch your cars, too$2500 a month.
Evan Bayh: You want the government to pay you extortion money in return for not burning down the U.S. Capitol Building?
Rod Blagojevich: That is what Im proposing. Yes.
Christopher Dodd: Governor, let me ask you: are you retarded?
Rod Blagojevich: [offended by the question] Hey, hey! First of all, Senator, the correct term is, developmentally challenged. And yes, I am mildly developmentally challenged. Though, obviously, it has not affected my performance as governor.
[Cut to Senators Dodd and Bayh, stunned over Blagojevichs stupid remark]
Rod Blagojevich: But I can see Im wasting my time here, so you know what? [slides the jewelry case with Abraham Lincolns wedding ring inside towards him]: I think Ill just head over to the Supreme Court, to see if any of those guys are any easier to deal with, instead of you stupid f[bleep]s. [presents a pink parking slip]: So, if youll just validate my parking ticket here, Ill be on my way. And one last thing: Go f[bleep]k yourselves! Also: Live from New York, its Saturday night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 13th, 2008 Hugh Laurie Kanye West None Maya Rudolph None
Blagojevich HearingSummary: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudeikis) testifies and curses before the Senate Banking Committee for his own financial bailout. Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich, Robert Byrd, Evan Bayh, Christopher Dodd, Elizabeth Dole. Transcript
Montage
Hugh Laurie’s MonologueSummary: In order to avoid copyright infringement laws, Hugh Laurie sings a medley of three-second excerpts from his favorite Christmas songs. First Hosted: 06d. Transcript
Sarcastic Christmas DinnerSummary: Members of a family (Hugh Laurie, Casey Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Kristen Wiig) make sarcastic remarks to one another over a tense Christmas dinner. Transcript
Wedding ToastsSummary: Offbeat members of the Culhane family continuously interrupt the emcee (Jason Sudeikis) at the wedding reception of David (Andy Samberg) and Tina (Abby Elliott). Transcript
Kayne West performs “Love Lockdown”First Performed: 05a. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: New York Governor David Paterson (Fred Armisen) comments about ousted Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and mocks New Jersey. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” following Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s scandal. Amy Poehler’s announcement that she’s really leaving “SNL” is interrupted by a wandering Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen).
Magical LampsSummary: A trio of singing lamps (Hugh Laurie, Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig) take their shopkeepers (Fred Armisen, Michaela Watkins) hostage, shoot a grandfather clock (Will Forte), and star in a new Broadway musical.
The Cat’s Christmas LetterSummary: An exasperated husband (Hugh Laurie) types up the family’s Christmas letter in their dead pet cat’s voice, as dictated by his nutty wife (Kristen Wiig).
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: As the boss (Hugh Laurie) announces impending company layoffs, employee Marcus (Fred Armisen) can’t keep his hands off what he thinks are delicious cookies. Transcript
Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader Show´s Director….Fred Armisen Assistant….Will Forte Vinny´s Son….Bobby Moynihan Chef Boyar G´s….Kenan Thompson, Andy Samberg John Malkovich
(Opens with Italy´s RAI TV logo)
Caption: RAI
Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista della Televisione e con Vinny Vedecci.
Vinny Vedecci: Regazze, regazze. Tempo de La Rivista della Televisione con mio! Vinny Vedecci!
[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson, Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in his white suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket over his shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posing with a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]
[Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit, ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]
Vinny Vedecci: Hey, hey! Caseando, caseando. Mio, Vinny Vedecci con eta noche. Isetaliano, eh, eh, cinema italiano, conoserando “In the Line of Fire”, “Rounders”, “The Changeling”, toro serebandes! John Malkovich!
(Vinny gets up and shakes hands with acclaimed actor/director John Malkovich, they sit down)
Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, eh, eh, John Malkovich. Buono sera, John Malkovich. Posiento, dona mataros, pos setegando, sorabando, (John is lost, looks around) Sina e maracando?
John Malkovich: I´m sorry, I don´t…I hope is not a problem but I don´t speak Italian.
Vinny Vedecci: (blows air, head hangs low) Serabando! BANDO!! (angry Italian words towards the show´s director)
(Show´s director is sitting down next to the camera eating spaghetti and smoking at the same time. As usual his assistant next to him eats his spaghetti like nothing is happening)
Show´s Director: Tipar! lider lucci! que parla italiano, miachi!
Vinny Vedecci: Te parle? Italiano, italiano? Parle italiano? Excuse me, he says that you told him that you could speak Italian.
John Malkovich: No, that is patently untrue!
Show´s Director: (angry) Satuando dara suo boca!
John Malkovich: What is he saying?
Show´s Director: (angrier) Stucco! Per favore! Signore setarato eh? Per favore, signore!
Vinny Vedecci: He, he just said that he loved you in “Con Air”.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
Show´s Director: (more angry Italian)
John Malkovich: That´s very nice. I´m sorry I lost my temper.
Vinny Vedecci: Ok, ok. “Being John Malkovich”, heh, heh, heh, yes, yes. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich!
John Malkovich: Yes, that´s from the film, yes.
Vinny Vedecci: I can be John Malkovich.
John Malkovich: I´m sorry?
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Hello, my name is John Malkovich.
John Malkovich: I don´t sound anything like that.
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) No, you sound exactly like this.
John Malkovich: No, I don´t.
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Yes, yes you do. Yes, bande barando. (to his director) Doesn´t he sounds like this?
Show´s Director: Della cosa, John Malkovich.
Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich. Eh, John Malkovich, eh pffft! John Malkovich. In Italy there is similar film called “Being Vinny Vedecci”.
John Malkovich: Really?
Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Roll clip, roll clip, roll clip.
(cut to Vinny smoking and walking into a room. Passionate moaning is heard. Vinny smiles and looks at an orgy taking place in the bed. The naked bodies are pixeled. Vinny looks at the camera)
Vinny Vedecci: Mande grazie!
(Vinny joins the orgy in bed, cut back to the studio)
Vinny Vedecci: (smiles proud) Eeeeh, eh, Vinny Vedecci, eh. What do you think, eh?
John Malkovich: Uh, I think its pornography.
Vinny Vedecci and the director: OWWWWW!!!!!
Vinny Vedecci: (upset) Bende, baratesito…!
Show´s Director: (angry) Cierto!, cierto! Per favore! Toti la grazie!
(John and the director get into a shouting match, talking over each other)
John Malkovich: There´s is a word in my language for your behavior! And the word is RUDE! That is a sex…that is a sex movie!!
Vinny Vedecci: Excuse me, excuse me. Sex movie?
John Malkovich: Yes!
Vinny Vedecci: Pornography….is sex movie?
John Malkovich: Yes!
Vinny Vedecci: (humble) Grazie, grazie, grazie.
Show´s Director: Grazie, signor.
(Vinny takes out a XXX dvd box set of “Being Vinny Vedecci”)
Vinny Vedecci: Vinny Vedecci is pornography, 20 hours, 8 discs!
(A little boy dressed in a sailor suit arrives)
Vinny´s Son: Papa!, Papa!
(the kid sits on Vinny´s lap)
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, it is my little boy, it is my little boy! I promised him he could ask you question about movie.
John Malkovich: Ok.
Vinny´s Son: Conola bocia de la fache….
Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. Ask him in English, ask him in English. Go, go, go.
(the kid sits on Malkovich´s lap, pinches his cheeks)
Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. How do they make you face goes big on the wall and when the popcorn and the coming truck and butter and the same truck and why and how and how.
(kid pinches Malkovich´s cheeks again)
John Malkovich: Well, that, that´s a lot to answer.
(kid wails, crying)
Vinny´s Son: Buuaaaa!!!
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, he´s so sensitive, he´s so sensitive. Oh, oh, oh.
(Vinny gives the kid a cigarette, lights it for him. Kid calms down)
Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. (blows smoke)
Vinny Vedecci: Go, go, go. Oh, well, well. That´s all the time we have. My apologies to Chef Boyar “G´s”.
(cut to a rap duo dressed like Chef Boyardee, gold medallion, big clocks. They wave it off like its cool)
Vinny Vedecci: Thank you to my guest John Malkovich. Arrivederci, arrivedercci! Oh, hey, hey.
(Vinny´s son spits out his lit cigarette and Vinny gives him another, lights it for him. Malkovich is speechless)
Caption: La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci
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Air Date:
The Rachel Maddow ShowSummary: Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott) interviews disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudekis) and his Sente appointee, Roland Burris (Kenan Thompson).
