CIA Field Op…..Jason Sudeikis Cuban Woman…..Rosario Dawson
[ open on footage of Guantanamo Bay ]
Announcer: Guantanamo Bay. Since 2001, we’ve been keeping America safe from its enemies. But on Tuesday, January 20th… we’re GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!!
[ stamp reads: “Going Out Of Business” ]
[ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]
CIA Field Op: Hi! I’m CIA Field Op, David (muffled)! By Executive Order, Gitmo — the world’s largest terrorist detention center — will be closing its hard-wire gate, and that can only mean ONE thing!
[ reveal stamp ]
Announcer: EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!
[ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]
CIA Field Op: Hoods! Blindfolds! Shackles! Chains! Dog bowls for people! If it’s used to humanely detain or interrogate prisoners, we’ve got it! And we’re passing the savings onto YOU!!!
[ cut to image of a car battery ]
Announcer: C-c-c-car batteries!!
[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]
CIA Field Op: [ chuckling ] That’s right! Car batteries! Jumper cables! Box springs! All slightly used! All for low, low prices! You’re gonna be SHOCKED at the savings!
[ cut to CIA Field Op thrashing in front of electrical bolts and dollar signs ]
[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]
CIA Field Op: Polaroid cameras! Polaroid film! You’re not gonna find a better bargain in any other detention camp! Hey! But don’t take it from me! Take it from this Cuban lady!
[ cut to Cuban Lady holding up various items ]
Cuban Lady: Me, I got some jumpsuits… I got two-thousand pair of these shower slippers… I got this painting of this man — [ Donald Rumsfeld ] I don’t know him, but he looks like my Tio Pepe, so I buy it.
[ cut to close-up of Rumsfeld’s mouth, moving ]
Painting: Hola!
[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]
CIA Field Op: Why torture yourself with high prices? When it comes to deals, at Guantanamo Bay, we speak your language! Take a look at this: a wooden board! Just $9.99! Jugs of water, just $5.99! German Shephards, only $1 each! But TWO, get the THIRD one free!
[ show three dogs lining up on a slot machine, with “WINNER!” tags over dog barks ]
[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]
CIA Field Op: Git’Mo parking!
[ cut to CIA Field Op doubled ]
CIA Field Op: Git’Mo Savings!
[ cut to CIA Field Op tripled ]
CIA Field Op: Git’Mo of EVERYTHING you need!! GITMO!!!
Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Guantanamo Bay Going Out of Business Sale!
[ reveal map ]
Announcer: Fly to a foreign country, then fly to Cuba. Have an old man in a ’57 Chevy drive you to the base. When the guards ask you your business, say: “OPERATION SAVINGS!”
[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]
Gilly….Kristen Wiig Mr. Dillon….Will Forte Liam….Bobby Moynihan Sam….Kenan Thompson Cyndi….Rosario Dawson Female Teacher….Casey Wilson
(Opens with an outside shot of Bridgewater Academy. Cut to a classroom. Mr. Dillon is the teacher and reads from a book. He has a moustache and glasses)
Mr. Dillon: Ok, uh, class, uh lets pick up where we left off yesterday on page 55. On the last chapter Margaret Doublecracker just landed on Giraffe Island. Now let’s read and see what she finds.
(A milk carton hits the blackboard splashing some milk)
Mr. Dillon: Who did…?, did someone?…who just threw a milk carton at the blackboard? Was it you, Liam?
(Liam is a well-groomed kid with a tie)
Liam: No. I´m a good kid. Just ask my stupid stepdad.
Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?
(Sam is a black kid with 2 casts on each arm. Shows his broken arms)
Sam: Don´t look at me, Mr.Dillon.
Mr. Dillon: Cyndi, did you throw that milk carton at me?
(Cyndi has braces and 2 ponytails)
Cyndi: Of course I didn´t, Mr.Dillon. But you´ll be happy to know that I saw who did it and I´m not afraid to say. It was Gilly.
(Gilly has a goofy smile and big,frizzy hair. Almost like an afro. A big pink ribbon is on the top of her hair)
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?
(Nothing from Gilly with her goofy smile)
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y-y?
Gilly: Uh-huh.
Mr. Dillon: Gilly? Did you throw that milk carton?
Gilly: Sorry.
(Gilly gets up and dances with some spastic moves)
Jingle: Her name is Gilly and she did it again, causing lots of ruckus like a barnyard hen, she´s always making trouble, prepare to burst your bubble…knock-knock, who´s there? Its Gilly!
(Gilly poses, her hand under her chin)
Gilly: Sorry.(sits)
Mr. Dillon: Ok, lets go around the room and everyone can read one paragraph. I´ll start. Ok, um, Giraffe Island was an island full of giraffes. Margaret have never felt so sure….
Cyndi: Ow! Ow! Ow!
(Cyndi has 3 pencils stuck in her body. One sticks out of her head, two on the shoulder)
Mr. Dillon: Cyndi? What´s going on?
Cyndi: Mr.Dillon! I was just here reading ahead, noticing typographical errors in the book, when a certain someone who I´m not afraid of, attacked me with a bouquet of pencils!
Mr. Dillon: Was it you , Liam?
Liam: No, Mr.Dillon! I was busy doodling a giraffe eating my stepdad.
Mr. Dillon: Sam, did you do this?
Sam:(holds broken arms up again) I can´t move my arms! So, once again, not possible.
Cyndi: Mr.Dillon!, Mr.Dillon! I know who did it!(points at Gilly)
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?
(Nothing from Gilly with the goofy smile)
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y? Did you stab 3 pencils into Cyndi´s body? Gilly-y-y?
Gilly: Sorry.
Mr. Dillon: We´ll have a talk after class, young lady. And Cyndi please remove those pencils. You´re grossing me out.
Cyndi: Yes, Mr.Dillon.(removes pencils)
Mr. Dillon: Ok, lets just move on to your homework assignment. I asked you all to write about your perfect island where you most like to live. Sam?
(Sam gets up and stands next to Mr.Dillon)
Sam: “My perfect island” by Sam Jeffers. The island that I most like to live is called “No Gymnastics Island”. Where you don´t have to take gymnastics when you don´t want to and you break your arms up real bad…(sniffs) what the…?
Mr. Dillon: What´s that burning smell?
(Smoke arises)
Liam: Aaaaaahhhh!!! (Liam´s tie is on fire. Mr. Dillon throws a glass of water on him) Oh, oh thank you, Mr.Dillon! My tie was on fire!
Mr. Dillon: Ok, I can see that. Who set Liam´s tie on fire? Was it you, Liam?
Liam: No, it wasn´t me! I swear! I was getting ready to read my essay “No Stepdad Island”.
Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?
Sam: You´re kidding me, right?
Mr. Dillon: Cyndi, did you set Liam´s tie on fire?
(Cyndi looks over to Gilly with fear on her eyes. Gilly puts her index finger across her neck while looking at Cyndi)
Cyndi: For my own protection, I´m gonna say I have no idea what you´re talking about.
Sam: Hey, I´m on Oxycontin for kids so I´m gonna spill it. It was that one.(points at Gilly)
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?
Gilly: What?
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y-y?
Gilly: Uh-huh.
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?
Gilly: Yes.
Mr. Dillon: Gilly?
Gilly: What?
Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?
Gilly: Uh-huh.
Mr. Dillon: Gilly?
Gilly: Yes.
Mr. Dillon: Did you set Liam´s tie on fire?
Gilly: Sorry.
Mr. Dillon: I´ve had enough of you. Come on up to the front of the class.
(Gilly limps while walking up to the class)
Cyndi: Oooh, hey, she´s making fun of my limp!
Mr. Dillon: Gilly?
Gilly: Sorry.
Mr. Dillon: I´m starting to think that maybe you´re the one causing all the trouble around here.
Sam: Yeah, quick thinking, David Caruso.
(Sound of arrow hitting something. A voice is heard on the hall)
Voice from the hall: Owww!
(A female teacher runs into Mr.Dillon´s class)
Female Teacher: Someone just shot an arrow into the principal´s ass! Sorry children, the buttocks.
Mr. Dillon: An arrow? That´s terrible! And we say bum in here.
Female Teacher: I apologize. In the bum´s ass, but I did find this attached to the arrow.
(Its Gilly´s pink bow ribbon. Gilly´s pink bow is missing from her afro)
Mr. Dillon: Gilly, when we weren´t looking for a second, did you shot an arrow into the principal´s ass? oh, umm, I mean buttocks?…oh,um I mean bum?
Gilly: Uh-huh
(The female teacher is terrified of Gilly)
Female Teacher: Oh, hi Gilly. I didn´t know this was your bow. I like it, here, ok. (leaves the class very scared)
Mr. Dillon: Ok, your behavior is entirely….(gunshot BANG!) Gilly-y-y? Did you just shoot me in the foot?
Gilly: Uh-huh. (gives a .38 revolver to Mr.Dillon)
(BANG! another gunshot)
Mr. Dillon: And again in the same foot?
Gilly: Sorry. (gives a .25 automatic pistol to Mr.Dillon)
Jingle: Knock-knock, who´s there? Its Gilly!
(Gilly shoots another automatic gun up in the air. BANG!)
Cut to: Open Night Sky, partly cloudy. Camera Zomms out and we see ALADDIN and JASMINE on the MAGIC CARPET.
Aladdin: Happy 10th anniversary, Jasmine.
Jasmine: Oh, Aladdin, this really takes me back. I cant remember the last time we took the magic carpet for a spin.
Aladdin: (confused) Whats that supposed to mean?
Jasmine: Nothing, we just havent gone out in a while.
Aladdin: Yeah, well, whose fault is that?
Jasmine: (sighs)
Aladdin: Im sorry, Happy anniversary.
Jasmine: You, too.
Music: A whole new world, from the animated motion picture Aladdin by the Walt Disney Company.
Aladdin: (sings)”I can hardly believeIts been ten years alreadyNow, tell me princessDid you imagine married life like this?”
Jasmine: (sings)”Fighting in front of friendsEating dinner in silenceHas it only been ten years?Cause it feels like eighty-five.”
Both: (sings) “The spark is goneHow did we let things get so bad?Wed love to call it quitsBut we have kidsSo I guess were stuck in this charade.”
Jasmine: (spoken) I remember your carpet rides being a little more exciting. Flips and spins and stuff.
Aladdin: (spoken) Yeah, well, I guess were just carrying a little more weight these days!
Jasmine: (surprised, angry) I have three kids! Whats your excuse?
Aladdin: (angrily) Stress! Yeah, okay. Dr. Greenberg said we have to spend one romantic evening together per week. So, why dont we just, you know, get this over with?
Jasmine: (angrily) Well, I wish you could hear yourself right now!
Aladdin: (angrily) Well, I wish I was dead! Well, guess what? I already used all my wishes!
Jasmine: Yeah, I noticed that you didnt come home last night!
Aladdin: I was working, okay? Im the sultan! Some of us on this carpet have jobs!
Jasmine: Oh, please! If it wasnt for me, youd still be an illiterate bread thief who hangs out with a monkey all day instead of an illiterate sultan who hangs out with a monkey all day!
Aladdin: (yells) Hes the prime minister!
Jasmine: (angrily) You`re an idiot! (sings) “I could`ve had a career!”
Aladdin: (sings) “Not this again!”
Jasmine: “My teacher said I have promise!”
Aladdin: “It was the Learning AnnexThey say that to everyone!”
Jasmine: “Youre just mad I wont show you my poems!”
Aladdin: (spoken) I dont want to see your stupid poems!
Jasmine: (spoken) Yeah, well, I dont want to see your stupid genie friend crashing on our futon any more!
Aladdin: Yeah, hes out of work. Give him a break, okay?
Jasmine: He was supposed to stay two weeks, its been ten years. And he never stops making these noises and jokes and these rapid fires and impressions, its exhausting!
Aladdin: If you hate the genie so much, then answer me this: How come one of our kids is blue?
Jasmine: (sings)”I slept with the Genie!It was the worst sex of my lifeHe talked the entire timeIn many voicesSome of them were borderline racist.”
Aladdin: Yeah, I know the ones. So, what do you want to do?
Jasmine: (spoken) Well, we cant get a divorce, not in this economy.
Aladdin: (sighs)
Aladdin: (sings) “I guess were stuck…”
Jasmine: (sings) “Until the kids…”
Both: “Go off to…”
(Both sing at the same time)
Jasmine: “Vassar.”
Aladdin: “College.”
Aladdin: (spoken) No, no, no, Im not going to have a kid go off to Vassar. I also had sex with the genie, by the way.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 17th, 2009 Rosario Dawson Fleet Foxes None None None
ABC News Special: Vice President Dick Cheney: The Final InterviewSummary: Diane Sawyer (Kristen Wiig) interview outgoing Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond), who insists that he has no regrets. Recurring Characters: Diane Sawyer, Dick Cheney.
Montage
Rosario Dawson’s MonologueSummary: Rosario Dawson speaks against Spanish stereotypes while Fericito (Fred Armisen) maintains his posture. Recurring Characters: Fericito.
North American SavingsSummary: The bank that lets you save your money without the bother of collecting interest in these hard economic times. Transcript
Da Learnin’ TrainRecurring Characters: Harry Connick Jr. Transcript
Guantanamo Bay Going Out Of Business SaleSummary: CIA Field Op (Jason Sudeikis) announces that all torture devices and accessories must go, now that the new administration is closing down the detainment camp. Transcript
Aladdin AnniversarySummary: On their ten-year anniversary, Aladdin (Jason Sudeikis) and Jasmine (Rosario Dawson) sing the frustrations of married life aboard their magic carpet. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Fred Armisen and Andy Samberg are “A Couple of Homies” who manage to remain good friends without kissing.
GillySummary: Frizzy-haired Gilly (Kristen Wiig) performs pranks and misdemeanors in the classroom while dancing to her own theme song. Transcript
Fleet Foxes perform “Mykonos”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bernard Madoff (Fred Armisen). Travel correspondent Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig). Larry the Goose (Andy Samberg) tells his side of the Flight 1549 crash-landing story. Recurring Characters: Judy Grimes.
La Policia MexicanaSummary: Isabella Lopez, Carmen (Rosario Dawson), Carloz Ruiz (Fred Armisen), and El Jefe (Bill Hader) interrogate a suspect (Bobby Moynihan) using basic Spanish 101. Transcript
The ViewSummary: Salma Hayek (Rosario Dawson) and Ricky Gervais (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
BK Exec….Neil Patrick Harris Translator….Kristen Wiig Romanian 1….Fred Armisen Romanian 2….Michaela Watkins Romanian 3….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with shots of rural life in Budesti, Romania)
Caption: Budesti, Romania.
Announcer: What happens if you take Eastern Europeans farmers who have never eaten a burger and ask them to compare a Whopper vs. Big Mac in the world´s purest taste test. This are the Whooper Virgins.
(Rural Romanian farmers are led inside a Burger King headquarters office. A Burger King executive and a translator are in a table with a Romanian man. In front of the Romanian man are two burgers. The Romanian picks up the two burgers up, like he wants to go away with them.)
BK Exec: Sir, put the burgers back on the plate now.
(Romanian talks his native language)
Translator: This food will feed my village for a month.
(Cut to the BK Exec and the translator with a Romanian woman)
BK Exec: So, congratulations on being a Whopper virgin
(Translator translates. Romanian woman answers)
Translator: She´s not a virgin. (Romanian woman explains) It was her uncle.
(Cut to the BK Exec and the translator with another Romanian man. This man is laughing like a maniac and has the burger on his head.)
Romanian 3: Hahahahaha!!!! hahahahaha!!!!
(Cut to the Romanian woman. She can´t pick up the burger, finally she picks it up vertically and eats it that way)
(Cut to the first Romanian. He is pleading with the BK Exec)
Translator: He says he will say whatever you want, just let him bring this food back to his village.
(Cut to the third Romanian dude. He still laughing like a maniac. He is given a large Coke. He cracks up even more and washes a napkin in the Coke)
Romanian 3: Huh? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!hahahahaha!!!!!
(Cut to the Romanian woman afraid of the lettuce and tomato from the burger, slapping the burger away)
(Cut to the first Romanian man. He is crying, sobbing to the BK Exec)
Translator: He says he cannot. His soul is crying for them.
(Cut to Romanian 3)
BK Exec: Now tell him to choose.
(Translator translates to the Romanian. Romanian slaps the burger down like a button.)
Romanian 3: Eeeehh!!! (speaks his language, translator explains to BK Exec)
Translator: American game show.
(Cut to Romanian 1. He explains to the BK Exec in his language)
Translator: I apologize for my behavior. I apologize from my heart. It will never happen again.
(Romanian 1 then takes the burgers and runs out the door)
BK Exec: (gets up) Hey, hey! Pete! Pete!
(Romanian 1 is brought back forcefully, he resists and curses in his language)
Translator: He says you´re the devil. Devil. (Romanian 1 then throws the burgers from the table out the door) He´s telling Yakov to take the burgers. Save yourselves.
(Burger King logo)
Announcer: The Whopper Virgins. Maybe this wasn´t a good idea.
(Cut to Romanian 3 still cracking up like a maniac. Now the translator and the BK Exec both have burgers on their heads)
…..Neil Patrick Harris Guy #1…..Bobby Moynihan Guy #2…..Bill Hader Guy #3…..Fred Armisen Mark Wahlberg…..Andy Samberg
Neil Patrick Harris: Thank you. Wow. Thank you thank you very much. It is…it is just wonderful to be here tonight. This is honestly a dream come true for me. Some of you may know me from the show “How I Met Your Mother”, that I am currently on, but, a little known fact – I almost hosted SNL back in 1990 when I was the star of a different program called “Doogie Howser MD”. Which, by the way, one of the first television shows created on a dare.I remember I was in the running to host, but ultimately, they went in a different direction. They chose Fred Savage from “The Wonder Years”. Thank you for not applauding. I was fine with that. I mean, was I disappointed? Maybe. It’s hard to remember. I mean, it was 18 years, one month and 14 days ago. But hey, that was 1990. A lot has changed since then. We’ve both moved on, there’s no use dwelling in the past, right? Though if you do dwell on it, take it out on the Fred Savage Show, as I was doing earlier today. You’ll notice that even though everyone says it’s so good, it has flaws. I mean, he opened with the church lady, where he played a tiny church lady…who can hit a home run with that? I remember his second sketch ran about five minutes and 35 seconds and he took a third beat and an extra pause, and I turn to my girlfriend back then and I was like “what, is he allergic to timing?” and she was like “why won’t you kiss me?” and I was like “later, I mean, look at this guy”.
But that was a long time ago. And now, finally at long last, it is my turn. Nothing can spoil this moment. We have a great –
Guy #1: Hey, hey Neil, I love you in How I Met Your Mother. Hey, you wanna know how I met your mother? I went to a fireworks factory and asked for their best bang.
Neil Patrick Harris: Okay, well thank you for bringing that energy to the show.
Guy #2: Hey hey hey hey hey. You know how I met your mother? I saw her in line at the welfare office. OH!
Neil Patrick Harris: So wait, you were in line for welfare too?
Guy #2: No!
Neil Patrick Harris: So anyway, we have a –
Guy #3: Hey, Neil, Neil Neil…you know how I met your mother? They had a story on the news, yeah. Elephant escapes from zoo. OH!
Neil Patrick Harris: Wait, wait. You saw her on the news. Then you didn’t actually meet her.
Guy #3: No, ’cause then she goes to a plastic surgeon and he goes “I wanna refund.”
Neil Patrick Harris: The plastic surgeon wanted a refund?
Guy #3: No, ya see he goes….he goes “No refunds”.
Neil Patrick Harris: You didn’t really think that one through, did you?
Guy #3: No I did not.
Neil Patrick Harris: Guys, c’mon…can you not do this now?
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, cool it guys c’mon.
Neil Patrick Harris: Mark Wahlberg! You know these guys?
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah. They’re my three best friends. They based “Entourage” on us. [points to guy#1] This is Turtle, [points at the other two] and these are the other two.
Neil Patrick Harris: That must be a lot of fun for you guys.
Mark Wahlberg: It is. Anyways, it was good talkin’ to ya Neil. Say hi to the cast of How I Met Your Mother for me, okay?
Neil Patrick Harris:We’ve got a great show for you. Taylor Swift is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Rachel Maddow…..Abby Elliott Roland Burris…..Kenan Thompson Rod Blagojevich…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on “The Rachel Maddow Show” title card ]
[ cut to Rachel Maddow ]
Rachel Maddow: Good evening, I’m Rachel Maddow! [ audience applauds ] It’s been a wild and controversial week in the U.S. Senate, beginning Tuesday when Rod Blagojevich appointee Roland Burris showed up, hoping to take his seat as the new senator from Illinois, only to be turned away at the front gate. Burris joins us now, from Washington.
[ reveal Burris on satellite ]
Roland Burris: Uh — hello, Rachel! Please call me “Senator” Burris.
Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s not official yet. It’s been quite a week for you. Tell us what happened on Tuesday.
Roland Burris: Alright, Rachel. As you know, I was appointed by my dear friend, the honorable and recently impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich.
Rachel Maddow: Yes. And, because of that, you were warned many times that your appointment would not be recognized. Yet, you flew down to Washington anyway
Roland Burris: Uh, I sure did, Rachel. I am four-time elected official — statewide — so I know when it’s time to go to work. I went on Priceline.com, and I found myself a very reasonable ticket on Southwest Airlines. And, before I knew it, I was landing at an airport within a 50-mile drive of the greater D.C. area. [ swivels his arms ] “Price-line ne-go-ti-a-torrr!“
Rachel Maddow: So, you just showed up. What did you expect would happen?
Roland Burris: Well, I expected to be sworn in an seated as a “U.S. senator”, but I guess it was not my day. I was told that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was kindly escorted out of the building. [ image: two security guards escorting a smiling and waving Burris down the Senate steps ] But don ‘t worry, Rachel — I’m sure that the matter will be cleared up. I’m very qualified: I’ve held FOUR state positions, and three of them have been Comptroller.
Rachel Maddow: Fair enough. Tell us what happened after you were turned away on Tuesday.
Roland Burris: Uh — well, on Wednesday, Rachel, I was very happy because I was able to meet with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Thatg meeting was very productive.
Rachel Maddow: And what did he say?
Roland Burris: Well, he told me that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was escorted out of the building. [ image: similar as before, except Burris looks more downbeat ]
Rachel Maddow: Sorry to hear that. What happened the next day?
Roland Burris: Well, on Thursday… I proudly walked through the Senate door. And then, after breaking away from my tour group, I noticed that, uh, someone had left a Fire Exit open. So I proceeded to take my rightful place as Junior Senator by commando-crawling through the ceiling vents. As I was approaching the Senate floor, I collapsed through the ceiling, causing me to plunge into some kind of coffee break room.
Rachel Maddow: And, what happened then?
Roland Burris: I was told my credentials were not in order”, and, again, I was escorted out of the building and given the number to a local Jamaican taxi service.
Rachel Maddow: Yes, we have a picture of that.
[ image: same as earlier, but now Burris is disguised in a fake beard and moustache ]
Rachel Maddow: Now, it looks like you’re wearing a disguise of some sort.
Roland Burris: Yes, I… thought my fellow senators would find it humorous!
Rachel Maddow: Okay. So, did you try again on Friday?
Roland Burris: Uh, no, Rachel. See, last night I needed to blow off a little steam. So I went to a popular D.C. nightclub called Oxygen. There, I explained to the gentlemen at the bar that I was a four-time elected official and three-time comptroller. But, when I got there, I was told that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was escorted out the building. [ image: two bouncers leading Burris past the V.I.P. ropes ]
Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry to hear that. Now, Harry Reid has stated that this has nothing to do with race. Do you believe that?
Roland Burris: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Harry Reid never wanted this race to come down to this, and I’m sure that the other ninety-nine White senators feel the same way. They would love to see the Black population of the Senate rocket UP to 1%! Rachel, I’m a dreamer. I envision a day when the U.S. Senate will have the SAME percentage of African-Americans as, say, the state of Utah. Or… the Country Music Awards.
Rachel Maddow: Well, good luck to you, Mr. Burris.
Roland Burris: Thank you!
Rachel Maddow: Joining is now is the man who appointed Mr. Burris — Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. [ reveal Blagojevich on satellite ] Good evening, Governor.
Rod Blagojevich: Ah… you thought I’d gone away, didn’t ya’? Well, sorry to spoil your parrty there, Billie Jean King!
Rachel Maddow: You must be pleased that your appointee might actually make it into the Senate, even after Harry Reid said he would never seat someone you picked.
Rod Blagojevich: Couldn’t be happier, Ellen!! [ Rachel frowns ] So, it’s like I said to Harry Reid on the phone — and I, I’m gonna watch my language here by substituting a word. I said: “If you ‘SEX’ me, Harry, I will ‘SEX’ you so hard you’ll wish you’d never been born!” Then I told him to go “SEX” himself, and then I hung up the phone!
Rachel Maddow: Governor — Governor, yesterday you were impeached by the state legislature, 114 to 1.
Rod Blagojevich: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, it’s closer than I thought. And, you gotta understand, getting impeached in Illinois is… nothing! It’s like a PRANK, you know? It’s — it’s just part of the swearing-in ceremony! You got me, k.d. Lang?
Rachel Maddow: I suuppose. And you maintained your innocence in a press conference yesterday, where you had several sick and handicapped people stand behind you. Don’t you find that a little exploitive?
Rod Blagojevich: Exploitive? “SEX” you!
Rachel Maddow: Governor, when will you leave office?
Rod Blagojevich: Never! Never, Chachi! I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck here like a Dutch kid with his thumb in a DIKE! [ he grins ] Sound familiar, Kyle MacLachlan?
Rachel Maddow: Alright, okay! Okay, I’m cutting you off! Thank you to Mr. Burris — no thanks to Governor Blagojevich — and “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”
Neil Patrick Harris: That’s it! Thank you to Taylor Swift! Liza Minnelli! This has been an unbelievable week — the cast and the crew, they’re extraordinary. THank you, Lorne. Have a great night, everybody! Thanks for watching.
David Frost….Neil Patrick Harris Richard Nixon…..Darrell Hammond Assistant…..Jason Sudeikis David Bowie…..Bill Hader David Crosby…..Bobby Moynihan Paul Lynde…..Fred Armisen Fred “Rerun” Berry…..Kenan Thompson
Caption: Frost/Nixon
Announcer: Critics are raving for Ron Howard´s Frost/Nixon. The gripping real life drama of David Frost historic interview with a fallen Richard Nixon.
(Cut to David Frost interviewing Richard Nixon in a room)
David Frost: (British accent) Are you saying that the President of the United States is allowed to do something illegal?
Richard Nixon: I´m saying that when the President of the United States does it, is not illegal.
David Frost: You know that we´re taping, right?
Richard Nixon: Wha–? Uh?
(An assistant comes out and interrupts)
Assistant: No, no, no. Stop the interview! Stop the interview! Mr. President, come on!
(Cut to a still of Frost looking intrigued)
Announcer: And to top off that success we put together this hastily ensemble sequel. Frost/Other People.
Caption: Frost/Other People
(another still with Frost holding a pencil, arched eyebrow)
Announcer: Watch as David Frost takes on other celebrities of the 70´s. Like David Bowie.
(cut to the interview room)
David Frost: And even though you sing again and again about traveling through space, you´re not an astronaut and have in fact, never left the Earth.
(David Bowie circa 1970 has red punkish hair and a lighting bolt drawn across his face)
David Bowie: Well, let me stop you right there, because—
David Frost: I mean, can you even name all the planets?
David Bowie: Come on, man. Don´t do this to me. I´m an artist, man. Just let the children boogie.
(same assistant interrupts, he has red, punkish hair like Bowie)
Assistant: Ok, all right, all right. Don´t say another word, Bowie. This interview is over.
Caption: Frost / Other People
Announcer: After the success of Nixon, David Frost just couldn´t leave it well enough alone.
(another still of Frost looking smug)
Announcer: And now watch him go for the jugular again and again.
(another still of Frost screaming and another pointing mad as hell)
Announcer: See the tension of Frost´s 5 part interview that finally cracked David Crosby.
Caption: Frost / Crosby
(Cut to interview room with famous druggie, folk-rock pioneer, David Crosby. He has long hair and handlebar mustache)
David Frost: Mr. Crosby, are you in fact, a coked up walrus?
David Crosby: Yes!
(same assistant interrupts, has handlebar mustache too)
Assistant: Ok, all right. That´s it. Interview is over!
(David Crosby swats to invisible bugs around him)
Announcer: Rolling Stone magazine raves: “I like anything, so this counts” and The New York Post says: “Long Island Perv, Cops Plea” You´ll be riveted as you watch him go after game show staple Paul Lynde.
(Cut to interview room with Frost and a very nervous Paul Lynde. He has a very gay blue handkerchief tied around his neck)
Paul Lynde: Ask anything you want. I don´t have anything to hide. Oh, wait. I have everything to hide!(stammers nervously) Just look in my closet. It´s huge in there. Big enough for two. Nothing in there but shoes though. I´m heavy on the shoes but I´m light on the loafers.(breaks down, almost crying) Did I just say that?
(assistant interrupts wearing the gay blue handkerchief)
Assistant: All right, stop.
Paul Lynde: He hasn´t asked a question yet!
Caption: Frost / Other People
Announcer: Its over 90 minutes of people from the past sitting and talking in chairs.
(cut to various stills of Frost´s face)
Announcer: Watch as David Frost takes on none other than Fred “Rerun” Berry.
Caption: Frost/Berry
(Cut to interview room with “Rerun” Berry wearing a red beret and suspenders)
David Frost: In the “What´s Happening” episode entitled “Doobie or not Dobbie”…
Fred “Rerun” Berry: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on…
David Frost: You, Dwayne and Rog are invited by the Doobie Brothers to one of their concerts even though they asked you specifically not to make a bootleg tape.
Fred “Rerun” Berry: No, hold on, hold on. I see where you´re going with this. We went to the concert because we were fans of the Doobie Brothers.
David Frost: Let me get this straight. Three young black men from Los Angeles are fans of the Doobie Brothers?
Fred “Rerun” Berry: (breaks down and cries) It was the only band we could get.
(assistant interrupts wearing red beret and suspenders like “Rerun”)
Assistant: Ok, let´s go Rerun. Let´s go.
Fred “Rerun” Berry: Shabba doo, hit the music!(gets up and dances 70´s style with the assistant)
Caption: Frost/Other People
Announcer: Frost/Other People in theaters just in time for Award season. Uh…what? Its too late? Oh, damn.
Phantom of the Opera…..Jason Sudeikis Mark from Rent…..Neil Patrick Harris Mr. Mistoffelees…..Bobby Moynihan Music Man…..Bill Hader Wicked Witch…..Michaela Watkins Black Man…..Kenan Thompson Puppeteer…..Abby Elliott Little Orphan Annie…..Taylor Swift Blue Man Group…..Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Will Forte Chicago Ladies…..Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson Dude from Stomp…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Broadway scenery ]
[ newspaper headlines appear on the screen:
“BROADWAY TICKET SALES HIT NEW LOW”
“16 SHOWS TO CLOSE BY FEBRUARY”
“CURTAINS FOR BROADWAY?” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Sardi’s ]
[ dissolve to interior, where a throng of Broadway characters sit in conference ]
Phantom of the Opera: Can we get settled down? Can we get settled down, please? Okay? [ the room quiets down ] As you know, Broadway is in trouble, and that’s why we’re all here. Now, you all know me — I am the Phantom of the Opera.
Mark: And I’m Mark from “Rent”, the Pulitzer Prize winning musical!
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Unbelievable. Alright, look, guys — we know it’s bad out there, and we are ALL struggling!
Mark: Yeah, and some people are having a hard time paying “Rent”!
Phantom of the Opera: [ groaning ] Please. Don’t do that any more. Okay, first off: is everyone here?
[ reveal the costumes characters in the room ]
Mark: Well, everyone except Jeremy Piven — but I don’t think he has a good excuse.
Phantom of the Opera: Ah, I don’t doubt it. Alright, well, that’s okay. Alright, we need everyone’s best ideas to save Broadway. Alright? So, let’s get started. [ looks into the crowd ] Yes. You.
Mr. Mistoffelees: [ singing ] “Meow, meow, meow, meow!” It is I, the magical Mr. Mistoffelees, and here’s my suggestion: [ he twirls ] We need to feel the wonder!
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Oh, man… oh, you people from “Cats” think you’re so great, you know that? Seriously, you think you’re the Michael Jordan of Broadway.
[ the room expresses their confusion ]
Phantom of the Opera: You guys don’t know who Michael Jordan is?! Guys, he was like the… the… Tommy Tune of basketball!
[ this analogy sparks an ounce of recognition ]
Phantom of the Opera: There you go… there you go. Yeah, that’s right… yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, come on! Alright, guys, who’s next? [ he points ] Alright, what about you, Music Man?
Music Man: [ singing ] “We’ve… got… a… devil, a pickle, put them in two C’s!”
Phantom of the Opera: Uh-huh…
Music Man: [ singing ] “We’ve got to find real jobs, weeeeellll, we’ve… got… trouble! Right here in New York City. I’m talkin’ Trouble with a Capital T, that rhymes with C, And that stands for…” CutCo Knives.
[ he stops to holds out the product ]
Now… just $49.95!
Phantom of the Opera: Okay. Stop! Stop, please! Professor, just stop!
Mark: Hey, for what it’s worth, those knives are amazing. They’re like the “Rent” of knives.
Phantom of the Opera: Ohhhh, cool it.
Wicked Witch: Hey! Can we just stop f-in’ around, okay? Because if “Wicked” closes, I have very limited job options! I mean, look at me!
Mark: Well… you’re green. Maybe you could be in “Shrek: The Musical”.
Wicked Witch: Wow. That’s racist.
Phantom of the Opera: No! No! That’s not racist!
Mark: That’s not racist, lady.
Phantom of the Opera: No, that’s enough! That’s enough, okay? And, for the record, Broadway is an inclusive place. No one… here is racist, okay? Moving on. [ he points ] Yes. You. From “The Color Purple”.
Black Guy: I’m sorry, I’m not “The Color Purple”.
Phantom of the Opera: Okay.
Mark: From “Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk”?
Black Guy: I — I wrote “Miss Saigon”.
Phantom of the Opera: Eeek! Okay. Uhhh — alright, alright, what’s your idea?
Black Guy: [ meekly ] Isn’t it time we revive “Miss Saigon”?
Puppeteer: Ugh! Are we almost done here?
Phantom of the Opera: What?! Why? Where do you have to be?
Puppeteer: I don’t have to be anywhere, but… [ in puppet voice ] “I need to get to my new job! I give massages behind a Thai place on the Lower East Side! With my mouth!”
Phantom of the Opera: Okay! I get it! I get it. I get it. Thank you.
[ suddenly, Little Orphan Annie stands ]
Little Orphan Annie: Hey, everyone! Why so glum? [ singing ] “The sun will come up… tomorrow!”
Phantom of the Opera: No.
Little Orphan Annie: “Bet your bottom dollar, tomorrow!”
Phantom of the Opera: Annie! Annie! No! Annie, sweetie? Not the time, okay? Please?
Little Orphan Annie: Yeah, watch yourself, Phantom — I’ve had a hard-knock life, okay? Someone stands up to me, I BREAK them!
Phantom of the Opera: Alright… okay. Guys! Come on, okay? We’re creative people! We just need ONE good idea!Anyone! Anyone at all! Blue Man Group?
[ Blue Man Group taps a tune on a plastic pipe ]
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Aw, man. You know, sometimes you guys can be a bunch of blue dicks.
Mark: [ excited ] Hey! What about the ladies from “Chicago”?
[ the two ladies from “Chicago” stands and perform a quick routine before returning to their seats ]
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Not helpful. Not helpful at all. What about you, dude from “Stomp”?
[ the Dude from Stomp stands up and bangs two trash can lids together ]
Phantom of the Opera: Wow! Wow! Still relevant. Okay. Alright. So no one has any ideas. I mean, no one?
Mark: Wait, wait! I’ve GOT it!
Phantom of the Opera: What?
Mark: We could put on a big show… with lavish costume and huge, expensive sets! We’ll charge, like $150 a ticket!
[ the room goes wild with excitement ]
Phantom of the Opera: No! no! No! GUys, no! That’s the thing that isn’t working any more!
Mark: No, no! [ piano music begins to play ] And at the end, we’ll all join hands…
Phantom of the Opera: [ confused ] Where the hell is that coming from..?
Mark: …and we’ll sing the anthem of the 90’s!
Phantom of the Opera: Please, don’t…
[ Mark takes the Phantom’s hand and sings a chorus from “Rent” ]
Phantom of the Opera: No! Mark! Stop!
[ the other Broadway stars join in the chorus ]
Phantom of the Opera: NO!! STOP!! STOP!! OKAY?! OKAY, THAT’S IT!! YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!! [ he raises his hand to the ceiling ] GOOOOOOO!!!!
[ suddenly, a normal-sized chandelier drops from the ceiling ]
Phantom of the Opera: GO!! GO!!
[ the chandelier crashes to the floor ]
Mark: Wow. Really?
Phantom of the Opera: I’m sorry. No, that’s usually a show stopper. I don’t think so… [ recollecting his thoughts ] God! This meeting is awful! It cannot get any worse!
[ a scream and crash comes from outside ]
Phantom of the Opera: What was that?
Black Guy: [ looking ] Well, it was the fiddler on the Roof. He jumped.
[ as everyone gets up to look, “There’s No Business Like Show Business” plays to fade ]
Air Date:
