…..Steve Martin …..Casey Wilson …..Kristen Wiig …..Abby Elliott …..Michaela Watkins …..Lorne Michaels
[ Casey Wilson taps on Steve Martin’s dresing room door ]
[ Steve opens the door to exit, while looking back and speaking to someone offscreen ]
Steve Martin: You’re wonderful, and you’re fantastic!
Casey Wilson: Oh. I’m sorry. Are you talking to somebody?
Steve Martin: No, there’s a mirror across the room!
[ Steve joins Casey in the hall ]
Casey Wilson: Um — Steve. I just have a question about comedy.
Steve Martin: Oh, Casey, you know I never talk to cast members, unless they’ve been here at least three years.
Casey Wilson: Oh, I understand. It’s just, you know, you’re The Master!
Steve Martin: [ flattered to his satisfaction ] Oh. Well… alright. One question. Go ahead.
Casey Wilson: Um — what is comedy?
Steve Martin: [ he chuckles ] You know, I get that a lot! Comedy = Time + Precision – Hope ÷ puns + wigs.
Casey Wilson: Thank you.
Steve Martin: Now, if you’ll excuse me — I need to go and not talk to you any more.
[ Steve saunters off, as Casey breaks into the opening stanza from “They Long To Be (Close To You)” ]
[ Kristen Wiig enters the hall ]
Kristen Wiig: Casey?
Casey Wilson: [ stops abruptly ] What?! Nothing!!
Kristen Wiig: Oh… my… God! You have a huge crush on Steve!
Casey Wilson: No, I don’t — did he, did he say anything?
[ Steve re-enters ]
Steve Martin: Oh! Hi, Kristen! [ he playfully falls into her breasts with both hands positioned ] Oh, whoops! We-e-ell! Somebody doesn’t qualify for a SAG Award!
[ Steve chuckles, then wanders off, as Kristen breaks into the opening stanza from “Unforgettable”, which soon becomes a duet with Casey ]
[ Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins enter the hall ]
Abby Elliott: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Kristen Wiig: [ stops abruptly ] Nothing!!
Michaela Watkins: [ laughing ] You guys are in love with Steve, aren’t you?
Kristen Wiig: Yes.
Casey Wilson: Very much so.
Kristen Wiig: Yes.
Casey Wilson: He’s just — he’s SO real!
Kristen Wiig: So cool!
[ Steve again saunters past, this time gazing into a newspaper, looking up in time to barely notice Abby and Michaela ]
Steve Martin: Bimbo #1… Bimbo #2!
[ Steve saunters off again, as Abby starts the girls in a chorus of “At Last” ]
[ the camera pans over to find Steve standing with Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Why is it every time you host, the girls are in love with you?
Steve Martin: I don’t know. I don’t get it, either. But, frankly, now that I think about it — I do get it. [ with a sly nod to Lorne ] I’ll take care of this.
[ Steve approaches the girls ]
Steve Martin: Ladies, look — you’re all beautiful and intelligent women, but… I’m married, and I love my wife very much. And that’s why it’s very important… that she doesn’t find out about the orgy we’re about to have. [ the girls nod in understanding ] So, let’s go to Wardrobe, we’ll pick out some costumes!
Girls: Oh, okay!
[ they all turn around and walk down the hall arm in arm, everyone with someone else’s hand on their ass ]
Clarence Jernegan…..Kenan Thompson Sara Stokes…..Casey Wilson Connor French…..Steve Martin
(Opens with Clarence sitting on his TV panel show writing on his clipboard)
Jingle: Everybody got issues, you and me got issues, he and she got issues, issues with Clarence Jernegan…
(Clarence is a black nerd with buck teeth and glasses)
Clarence Jernegan: Hello. Welcome to Issues. I´m your host Clarence Jernegan. This is s show where we help you with your issues. You know, I was 2 credits away from having my degree on social work from Arizona University, so I guess you could say, this is my passion. (chortles) Well, why don´t we get started and bring out our first guest? Please welcome, Sara Stokes.
(Sara is an attractive young woman but with horrible acne all over her face)
Sara Stokes: Thank you for having me, Clarence. I really need your advice on an issue that is tearing me up inside.
Clarence Jernegan: Yeah, I can see that. Well, the first thing I want to ask you is, have you ever tried “Clearasil”?
Sara Stokes: Um, maybe when I was a teenager.
Clarence Jernegan: Ok, how about “Oxy-10”?
Sara Stokes: No.
Clarence Jernegan: Have you ever thought of using “Proactive”? You know, Puff Daddy uses that.
Sara Stokes: Wh–, why are we talking about this? My issue is with my sister.
Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really?
Sara Stokes: Yes, really. I do so much for my sister and she just does nothing for me in return. She wouldn´t even let me borrow a sweater.
Clarence Jernegan: Well, I wouldn´t either. I wouldn´t want you putting my sweater over all that mess up there.(points to her face)
Sara Stokes: Excuse me?
Clarence Jernegan: You know, if I were you I think my issue would be my pimples.
Sara Stokes: Ok, you know what? I´m ok with my skin.
Clarence Jernegan: Well, you shouldn´t be. Ok, you need to think about someone other than yourself for a change.
Sara Stokes: Ok, you are rude. And by the way, you have buck teeth.
Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?! You know what? Why don´t you take your pimples home and away from my show?(Sara leaves)
Clarence Jernegan: Bye. Umm, what can we glean from this? When you´re looking in the mirror, you´re not just looking at yourself. You are seeing what everyone else has to look at all day. Ok? Lets move on to my next guest. Please welcome, Connor French.
(Connor is a middle-aged man with a mustache, curly hair and a very noticeable pair of saggy breasts. He sits down)
Connor French: Thank you for having in your show, Clarence. I´m at the end of my rope and I really need some support right now.
Clarence Jernegan: (eyes wide open looking at the boobs) Yeah, I can see that. Have you ever tried wearing a man-bra?
Connor French: What?
Clarence Jernegan: Or you can gain a lot of weight so that it all evens itself out.
Connor French: What are you talking about?
Clarence Jernegan: You ever thought about a poncho?
Connor French: I´m here to talk about my fear of water.
Clarence Jernegan: (condescending look) Really? (stares at the boobs, close-up on boobs) Oh, you know, I see. You don´t like taking your shirt off in public.
Connor French: No. I like my physique.
Clarence Jernegan: You do-o-o?!
Connor French: Yes. I´m just scared to go in the water. You know, undertows, sharks?
Clarence Jernegan: Well, what are you scared of? You got 2 built-in flotation devices.
Connor French: What are you talking about?
Clarence Jernegan: Your man boobs!
Connor French: What man boobs?!
Clarence Jernegan: Man, those big old hussy puppies! Last question: Can I squeeze one of them?
Connor French: (upset, gets up) Listen, bucky-bucky, buck tooth! You know you got buck teeth, right?!
Clarence Jernegan: So-o-o?!
Connor French: So, I don´t have to take this! So, I´m leaving!(adjusts his saggy breasts, leaves)
Clarence Jernegan: You know, I am so blessed that Sara and Connor allowed me to help them with their issues. Well, that´s all the time we have. I will see you next week on “Issues”. Provided that I get a ride here. I´m Clarence Jernegan. This has been “Issues”.
Glenn…..Steve Martin Neil…..Will Forte Jean…..Kristen Wiig Waitress…..Abby Elliott Patron #1…..Bill Hader Patron #2…..Kenan Thompson
FADE IN:
EXT. SPORTS BAR NIGHT
INT. SPORTS BAR NIGHT
[ Several patrons are watching Super Bowl XLIII. NEIL, JEAN, and GLENN come in. ]
Neil: Well here we are.
Jean: Its too bad The Lily Pad Café was closed, but Im sure the tea & toast here will be good.
Glenn: This place is on my speed walking route, but I never had the nerve to come in.
Jean: What happened? Did you go to the nerve store?
[ Jean giggles. ]
Neil: Jean good joke.
Glenn: Lets find some chairs. My dogs are barking.
Neil: Glenn!?
Jean: I didnt know you had dogs.
Neil: I hope someones taking care of them.
Glenn: Neil, Jean its a figure of speech. By dogs, I meant feet.
Jean: At my next BBQ, Im gonna serve hamburgers and hot feet.
[ Jean giggles. ]
Neil: Jean more tasty wordplay.
Jean: Well, Ive been reading a lot of Beetle Bailey.
Neil: Well, you can really tell.
[ Neil spots a WAITRESS. ]
Neil: Little girl! Little girl! Could you help us muzzle my friends feet with a seat? Theyre really barking.
Waitress: Youre gonna have a really hard time finding one. The games started.
Glenn: Oh dear! How long does the game last?
Waitress: Like four hours
Jean: Four hours!?
Neil: Heavens to Murgatroyd!
[ Two PATRONS in Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys turn to the three. ]
Patron #1: Shut up! Were trying to watch the Super Bowl.
Glenn: Ah! The Super Bowl! That explains the proud display of all the numbered shirts!
Neil: Ive never seen a Super Bowl.
Jean: I thought I did at one time. But all I saw was one team of beer bottles playing another team of beer bottles.
Glenn: I saw a Super Bowl, but not by choice. I was in the hospital with my neighbors cat, when he literally caught my tongue. And the man next to me wouldnt pass the remote control because he was dead.
Neil: My first Super Bowl. Im on pins and needles.
Jean: I have to call you out on that. It looks like to me youre on a mixture of sawdust and peanut shells.
Neil: Oh Jean! You funky-junky-joker monkey!
Jean: Dont set me up for it if you dont want me to slam it home.
[ Jean giggles. ]
Patron #1: Guys, can you find another place to stand?
Glenn: Oh great! Heres a spot
[ The three of them move to where all the patrons are viewing the high-def TV and stand there. ]
Patron #2: Hey! Youre blocking the TV!
Jean: Excuse me, little girl. Little girl, are you sure there arent three seats?
[ The waitress nods. The two patrons stand up. ]
Patron #1: Hey! Why dont you sit on my face!?
Jean: I guess we only need two seats now.
[ Neil turns to Patron #2. ]
Neil: Excuse me, Sir? Is your face taken?
Patron #2: Yeah it is!
[ Both patrons sit down. ]
Neil: Well let me know if it opens up.
[ Glenn spots an open area near the bar. ]
Glenn: Oh! Look yonder! I see a clearing big enough for the three of us!
[ The three of them move to the bar. ]
Neil: People seem to really like their spot selection. Kudos Glenn!
Glenn: I never saw such support from what I thought was such an unsupportive group!
Jean: Im telling you its Barack Obama… hes changing things.
Glenn: All this moving and talking has made my breath smell like a garbage can at a sushi restaurant.
Jean: I have some mints. I found them in my nephews room.
Neil: The same nephew whos been in jail for selling ecstasy in plastic bags marked Mints?
Jean: Thats the one.
[ Jean pulls out a plastic bag out of her purse marked Mints. ]
Glenn: Well, I better take 20. My mouth tastes like a shoe bottom.
[ Jean gives both Glenn and Neil a handful. ]
Jean: Heres a bunch for you and heres a bunch for you.
Glenn: Oh, thank you.
Neil: Excellent.
Glenn: I must say, these mints are not the most flavorful mints.
Neil: Suck harder, Glenn. The effectiveness is in the center.
Glenn: Im sucking as hard as I can! I better take more.
[ Glenn pops more ecstasy in his mouth. The clock behind them shows an hour elapsing. ]
Jean: And then we fill our bathtubs with baby carrots and lettuce and then the bunnies will come. And then we will take the bunnies, stack them one by one until we get to Bunny Heaven. And then Ill confront Jesus and ask him, Whats your deal?
[ The clock again displays another hour elapsing. ]
Glenn: Well still call it the Super Bowl. But in our version, itll be pants and skins and by skins, I mean potato skins. And it will be decided by four, impartial judges Mary Lou Retton, a pile of my dirty laundry, a cut-out of Mary Lou Retton, and a cut-out of my dirty laundry.
[ The clock displays another hour elapsing. ]
Neil: And then Jean will see the construction of a three-story denim vagina. For which then, a helicopter will lower into Times Square. The helicopter, made of a high quality salami, will be fed to some orphans. The orphans will then be fed to the denim vagina.
[ The waitress approaches. ]
Waitress: Seriously guys were closed!
Neil: Little girl youre rude.
[ The waitress exits in disgust. ]
Jean: Thats America its a problem.
[ Each of them finishes off the last three pills of ecstasy in their hands. ]
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff….Steve Martin Lew Massey….Darrell Hammond Ray “The Monster” Krupp….Bobby Moynihan “Crazy” Pete Damashek….Jason Sudeikis Jack Vernon….Bill Hader Jack Snaad….Will Forte Gabe Silverberg….Andy Samberg
(Opens with old football footage in black and white)
Announcer: Professional football didn´t have the glamour that it has today. In the early days there was little pay and no rules. Today we journey back for another episode of “Forefathers of the game”
Caption: Forefathers of the game
(Extremely old man)
Caption: Lew Massey Head Coach Altoona Quarrymen 1929-1937
Lew Massey: The greatest player with the most meteoric rise I´ve ever coached was Billy “The Gun” Van Goff.
(black and white still of Billy holding a football)
Caption: Ray “The Monster” Krupp Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1931-1939
(old man also)
Ray “The Monster” Krupp: The quarterback we most feared? “The Gun”.
Caption: “Crazy” Pete Damashek Middle Linebacker Allegheny Miners 1929-1933
(old man)
“Crazy” Pete Damashek: “The Gun”. We hated playing “The Gun”.
(Newsreel in black and white with Billy holding a football, laughing. Cut to Billy in the present, very old)
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: They called me “The Gun” for 2 reasons. One, I had the best arm in the league. And the second reason was I always brought a gun on the field.
(Black and white still of Billy holding a gun)
Lew Massey: I remember the first time I coached “The Gun”, he got tackled and he was so mad.( black and white photo of the young couch yelling) And when he came back to the sidelines I yelled: “Well, what are you going to do about it?” And, I´ll never forget, he said: “I´m gonna get my gun”.
(Black and white photo of a young referee blowing his whistle)
(Cut to the now elderly referee)
Caption: Jack Vernon Head Official Pennsylvania Valley Football Assoc.
Jack Vernon: I was the only one official in the league at the time and there was, with good reason I should add, some uproar about a player brandishing a firearm during a game. But technically, there was no rule against it.
Caption: Jack Snaad Commissioner PVFA
(black and white photo of the commissioner sitting at his desk)
(cut to the elderly commissioner)
Jack Snaad: As commissioner of the league I moved quickly to ban firearms but there was one major loophole.
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: The rule had a grandfather clause. Anyone who had used a gun in a game was allowed to keep it.
(black and white still of Billy pointing gun to terrorized players)
Ray “The Monster” Krupp: Of course we were upset. He had a great arm and a GUN.
“Crazy” Pete Damashek: We just dropped back and he´d stand there pointing the gun at us. Daring us to rush him. I remember a whole quarter went by with him yelling: “Which one of you sons of bitches wants to eat a bullet?” (Black and white still of Billy holding off a bunch of football players at gunpoint) That´s not football.
Caption: Original Radio Broadcast October 27, 1932
Radio: Goff drops back….here comes the defense….(Bang!) The defense is running away! (Bang!) Throws….touchdown Quarrymen! (Bang! Bang!)
(another still of Billy celebrating, shooting his gun up in the air)
Billy “The Gun” Van Goff: We were undefeated going into our championship game and we would´ve won it all if not for….the incident.
Caption: 1932 PVFA Championship Game
(Black and white newsreel of the game, its snowing)
Lew Massey: In the championship game “Gun” was getting a little cocky. He would openly drink on the sidelines (Billy drinks from a flask) and so it made him more intimidating.
Ray “The Monster” Krupp: We could tell he was drunk. We decided this was our chance. Lets all out blitz him. He can´t shoot all of us.
(still of the whole team after Billy “The Gun”)
“Crazy” Pete Damashek: And we surprised him. He threw it as far as he could (Ray “The Monster” Krupp jumps after Billy “The Gun”) and turned at us, took aim….but he was still holding the football yet.(Billy looks at the football dumbfounded) He´d thrown the gun.
(black and white newsreel of a young football player with football in his hands)
Lew Massey: Gabe Silverstein was our star receiver. (still of Gabe about to make a catch) It was snowing so hard that he didn´t realize he was catching a gun until it was too late. (still of Gabe catching a gun pointed at his head)
Jack Vernon: (emotional) Gabe made 2 catches that day. A touchdown. And a bullet.
Jack Snaad: I had no choice but to kick “Gun” out of the league and thus ending one of the greatest football careers I´ve ever seen.
(newsreel of Billy shooting his gun up in the air. Bang! Bang!)
Steve Martin: We hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to Jason Mraz, Colbie Caillat. My band: Britney Haas, Craig Eastman, Skip Ward, and Michael Daves. We had a great time, thank you very much!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 31st, 2009 Steve Martin Jason Mraz None Michael Daves Craig Eastman Britney Haas Skip Ward Colbie Caillat None
A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) recalls the sweeter moments of Inauguration Day while struggling to discuss the economy and thwart an interruption from Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden. Transcript
Montage
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin jokes about how he is able to stay connected with the average man. Transcript
Chewable PampersSummary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious. Transcript
MacGruberSummary: MacGruber’s (Will Forte) ego clashes with new guy MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson). Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Note: This filmed piece aired as an actual commercial for Pepsi in between the program. Transcript
IntrovertsSummary: Introverts Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig), and Glenn (Steve Martin) venture into a sports bar to join in the Super Bowl viewing festivities. Recurring Characters: Neil, Jean. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Using Steve Martin as their pawn, Andy Samberg and Bill Hader force Lorne Michaels to watch their presentation of “Laser Cats 4Ever”. Transcript
IssuesSummary: Clarence Jurnegan (Kenan Thompson) tries to help his guests overcome the outward issues he thinks are bothering them. Transcript
MacGruber IISummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) postpones defusing a bomb to wax poetic about Pepsi and change his name to Pepsuber. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Note: This filmed piece aired as an actual commercial for Pepsi in between the program. Transcript
Madoff InvitesSummary: Confimed to house arrest, Bernard Madoff (Fred Armisen) makes a series of calls to his buddies on the outside. Recurring Characters: Bernard Madoff.
Steve and the LadiesSummary: As with the female cast members through the years before them, Casey wilson, Kristen Wiig, Mikaela Watson, and Abby Elliott cannot hide their fleeting attraction to Steve Martin. Transcript
MacGruber IIISummary: Sellout MacGruber (Will Forte) can only speak the word “Pepsi”. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Note: This filmed piece aired as an actual commercial for Pepsi in between the program. Transcript
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Impeached Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudeikis) lashes out upon his critics. Angelina Jolie (Abby Elliott) appears from out of nowhere, with greedy intentions, after Seth Meyers reads a story about the woman who gave birth to octuplets. Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen) makes crass comments about upstate New York while explaining his selection for Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat replacement. Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich, Angelina Jolie, Gov. David Paterson.
Make-Up CounterSummary: As Thomas (Steve Martin) tends to a customer (Casey Wilson), his anoying wife (Kristen Wiig) repeatedly calls his name and reminds him that they are married.
Carla Da Funkee Conductah…Rosario Dawson Riznatch…Kenan Thompson Jesse…Andy Samberg Dominique…Abby Elliott Hector…Bobby Moynihan Harry Connick Jr….Jason Sudeikis Deejay…Bill Hader Mailman…Fred Armisen K…Will Forte
(The sketch opens with the Discover Kids logo.)
Announcer: You’re watching Discovery Kids. Which means you have so many channels, your children are guaranteed to find porn. Up next, it’s “Da Learnin’ Train!”
(The animated opening sequence for Da Learnin’ Train, a hip-hop based children’s show, begins. We see a train driving past beakers and letters.)
Theme singers: All aboard Da Learnin’ Train Where learnin’ is our favorite games And the dancing has just begun On Da Learnin’ Train!
(Cut to the show’s studio, where the hostess, Carla Da Funkee Conductah, enters as a graffiti-covered train enters a graffiti-covered station. She wears overalls with a shoulder strap off and a clock around her neck.)
Carla: (Makes a pulling the whistle gesture) Whoo-whoo! Yo! Welcome to another fresh episode of Da Learnin’ Train, the show that puts the “kay” in education! I’m your hostess cupcake with the mostest rumpshake, Carla Da Funkee Conduktah. And with me, as always, is my sidekick in edumacation crime, Riznatch the Reading Racoon!
(We see Riznatch, a giant racoon holding a book and wearing a mortarboard and graduation gown.)
Riznatch: Yo, I got rabies for learning!
Carla: Now riding with us on the Learnin’ Train today are Jesse, Dominique, and Hector!
(Jesse, Dominic, and Hector, three hip-hop dancing kids with orange track suits, make their entrance to hip-hop music.)
Jesse: Word!
Dominique: Hey hey hey!
Hector: Word!
Carla: Yo! Let’s kick this show off right! Riznatch, tell our new friends about the power of books!
(The Deejay makes a few record scratches, introducing the next song, where Riznatch leads the other in dance.)
Riznatch: With a book you can do most anything, It has a hundred uses that you hear me sing You can wear it like a hat, you can swing it like a bat You can use it as a chair, you can throw it in the airYou can dance on it! You can dance on it! You can dance on top of a book!
(“DANCE ON TOP OF A BOOK!” appears on screen as Riznatch dances on the book he’s been carrying.)
Carla, Jesse, Dominique, and Hector: Word! Yeah!
(The Deejay makes some record scratches and raises his glasses at the camera.)
Voice-over: Lear-Lear-Lear-Learnin’!
Carla: Nice, Riznatch! I never knew you could do so much with a book! Now, the Learnin’ Train’s just getting out of the station, but before we pick up too much steam, let’s welcome a very special guest, Harry Connick, Jr.!
(Harry Connick, Jr. enters, to many “Yeah!”s from the cast.)
Harry Connick, Jr.: Well hey there, gang! How y’all doin’! You know I’m just thrilled to be here to promote early education, and Mister raccoon, I think you left off one very important use for books, and that’s readin’!
Riznatch: (Laughs nervously) Yeah I guess.
Carla: But we ain’t only about readin’, yo kids, let’s show this guest that we know mad math in the thunderdome! (puts her hands over her head as in ballet) Let’s do the math dance!
(The deejay makes some record scratches, then gestures to the camera as the song “Math Dance” is played, with the cast dancing along. The educational elements of the song are superimposed on the screen along with “MATH DANCE!”.)
Voice-over: Math! Digits! It’s a math dance! You take three and six and eight and two And you put ’em all together and what do you get? A math dance! Then you’ve thirty minus four minus ten minus three And what is left when you take it away? A math dance! An M-A-T-H-E Dance!
Cast of Da Learnin’ Train: Yeah!
Riznatch: I got rabies for learnin’!
Harry Connick, Jr.: (nonplussed) Okay now, see, you know I think it might actually be helpful if we actually try to solve those math problems and show kids how to add and subtract. And at the end of the song I think you might have misspelled the word “math.”
Jesse: Yo, yo, I’ll show you some spelling!
(Jesse dances to the music played by the Deejay.)
Riznatch and cast: Go Jesse! Go Jesse! Get your spell on! Get your spell on! Go Jesse! Get spell on! Yeah!
Jesse: Yeah, you just got schooled!
Harry Connick, Jr.: What? No I don’t think anyone here’s getting schooled. I don’t think they’ve even been inside of a school.
(Jesse give a dismissive gesture and walks away from Harry.)
Carla: Yo, this is the number two preschool hip-hop block party show on TV. I think we know what we doin’. (A record scratch and a train whistle is heard.) Oh snap, we got a visitor exquisitor!
Mailman: (disinterested) Yo yo yo, straight up. I got a delivery from Alphabet City, you know how I do. It’s a letter K, yo.
(The Deejay makes a record scratch and raises his glasses at the camera.)
Voice-over: K, K, K, Baby, ba-by!
(A giant letter K makes his entrance and begins dancing and rapping with the cast.)
K: Yo I’m the letter K and I’m here to say You can make words with me every night and day
Carla: Like which words?
K: Like these words, (the words appear on screen) Like Kite and Key And Kouch and Krunk And Kween and Kat And Kookies and Kream!
(K dances in a circle as the rest of the cast cheers him on.)
Carla, Riznatch, Jesse, Dominique, and Hector: Go K! Go K! You’re the number! You’re the number! You’re the number!
K: Ooooooh, K!
Cast: Yeah!
(The Deejay wraps up the song and points his index and middle finger together in a gesture.)
Voice-over: Kill-kill-kill-killin’ it!
Carla: (To Harry) A’ight, yo, what you think of the Learnin’ Train now?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Well I think it’s bad. Almost none of those words even start with the letter K.
Riznatch: Oooh, snap! He’s about to set me off!
Carla: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo, don’t let him set you off, a’ight? Let us spell him off!
(The Deejay makes a record scratch to start the next number and shakes his lips.)
Voice-over: S-s-s-spelling bee, G!
(The cast holds up cards with letters as they call them out.)
Carla: Spell it out now!
Riznatch: L!
Jesse: U!
Dominique: R!
Hector: M!
K: I!
Carla: N!
Riznatch: And yo, what’s that spell?
All six: Learnin’!
(The deejay wraps up the song and turns his head with the record.)
Voice-over: S-s-s-spell dat!
Harry Connick, Jr.: Hey, can any of you read or write?
(The cast is lost for an answer, apparently they can’t. Jesse actually shakes his head no. Harry shrugs and Riznatch stands in front of him.)
Riznatch: (frustrated) I got rabies for learnin’!
Harry Connick, Jr.: Okay, okay, you know what? Look, I’m gonna get you guys a tutor.
Carla: All right.
Harry Connick, Jr.: Yeah.
Carla: I hope he can dance! (Carla and the cast begin dancing.)
Harry Connick, Jr.: No.
Carla: A’ight, we about to take a break so stay learnin’ and stay on the train!
Announcer: The result of too many finanical institutions taking too many risks.
[ dissolve to homeowner attempting to balance his budget online ]
Announcer: Is there any safe place to put your cash?
[ dissolve to banking personnel meeting with new clients ]
Announcer: Well, at North American Savings, we’ve never lost one cent of our depositors’ money — and we never will. Because, unlike other banks, at North American Savings, we don’t make risky loans. In fact, with our unnecessarily high credit requirements, like 90% cash down on home mortgages, the banking industry’s highest non-refundable loan application fees, and proof that applicants don’t need the money… we make virtualy no loans at all, rejecting 97% of loan applications.
Announcer: So, go ahead… start that business.
[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Get that degree.
[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Purchase that dream house.
[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Buy that car.
[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Grab that dream!
[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Announcer: Although, we probably own’t be able to help — because we just can’t take the risk.
[ a banker places a “REJECTED” pin to a little girl’s dress ]
Announcer: But so long as you’re not looking for money to borrow, and simply want not to lose the mnoey you have, let us be your partner. When you need it, that money will be here. Safe and secure — every cent of it.
[ a banker leads a client into the bank’s safe: a closet stacked with mattresses. The banker takes the clients roll of bills and stuffs it under one of the mattresses. ]
[ SUPER: “Deposits do not accumulate interest” ]
Announcer: At North American Savings, protecting what you have isn’t just a priority, it’s our only priority.
North American Savings. Not losing customers’ deposits since October 1987.
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael…..Fred Armisen Isabella Lopez aka Carmen…..Rosario Dawson Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe…..Bill Hader Miguel…..Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with a shot of Mexico City. Action theme music plays.)
Announcer: La Policia Mejicana! Con Carlos Ruiz (Carlos poses, big bushy mustache) Isabella Lopez (exotic posing) y Roberto Gonzalez como “El Jefe (tall man with mustache) La Policia Mejicana! (trio poses with the Mexican flag in the background) Tonight´s episode is written by Ms. Larkin´s fourth grade Spanish class. (A photo of Ms.Larkin surrounded in her desk by six 4th graders)
(Interrogation room. Man in red coat sits in front of table. Isabella and Carlos enter the room)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Hola.(Hi)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Hola.(Hi)
Miguel: Hola. (Hi)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Me llamo Rafael. (My name is Rafael)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Y me llamo Carmen. ( And my name is Carmen)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Mas una vez, me llamo Rafael. (One more time, my name is Rafael)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Y me llamo Carmen. Como te llamas? (And my name is Carmen. What is your name?)
Miguel: Me llamo Miguel. (My name is Miguel)
Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Hola Miguel. (Hi Miguel)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Miguel, que color es su pelo? (Miguel, what color is your hair?)
Miguel: Mi pelo es marron. (My hair is brown)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Que color son sus ojos? (What color are your eyes?)
Miguel: Mis ojos son verdes. (My eyes are green)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Que color es su abrigo? (What color is your coat?)
Miguel: Mi abrigo es rojo. (My coat is red)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Donde esta la bomba? (Where is the bomb?)
Miguel: No se. (I don´t know)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: No se?! No se?! Donde esta la bomba?!(Don´t know? Don´t know? Where is the bomb?)(grabs Miguel´s arm)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael:(pulls her away) Mira, mira, mira, mira. Espera. Que pasa? (Look, look, look, look. Wait. What´s happening?)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Tu eres el policia bueno. Y yo soy la policia mala. Tu comprendes? (You´re good cop. I´m bad cop. You understand?)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Si, yo comprendo. (Yes, I understand)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Muy bueno. (Very good)
(Detective Rafael sits with Miguel)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ok, muy bien. Miguel, quieres agua? (Ok, good Miguel. You want water?)
(shot of a jug of water)
Miguel: No.
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Quieres una hamburguesa? (You want a hamburger?)
(shot of a hamburger)
Miguel: No.
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Quieres una piña? (You want a pineapple?)
(shot of a pineapple)
Miguel: No, no. Gracias. (No, no. Thank you)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Miguel, you soy tu amigo. (Miguel, I am your friend) Tu eres mi amigo. (You are my friend) Ella es su amiga.(She is your friend) Nosotros somos amigos. (We are friends) Miguel, donde esta la bomba? (Miguel, where is the bomb?) Esta la bomba en el aeropuerto? (Is it at the airport?) (shows a drawing of an airport) Esta la bomba en el supermercado? (Is the bomb at the supermarket?) (drawing of a supermarket), esta la bomba en la biblioteca?(Is the bomb at the library?)(drawing of a library)(Miguel looks worried) Ah!, la bomba esta en la biblioteca! (Ah!, the bomb is at the library!)
Miguel: Can I go to the bathroom?
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ah, ah. En español. (Ah, ah. In spanish)
Miguel: Puedo…ir…al baño? (Can I go to the bathroom?)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: No. Esta biblioteca es una biblioteca grande, una bliblioteca mediano o una biblioteca pequeña? (Is this library a big library, a medium library or a small library?)
Miguel: No se. (I don´t know)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Grande o pequeño? (Big or small?)
(Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe comes into the room)
Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Silencio! Por favor! (Silence! Please!)
Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Hola Jefe. (Hi Boss)
Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Carmen, que hora es? (Carmen, what time is it?)
(Isabella looks at the clock on the wall)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Son las dos y cuarto. (Its two fifteen)
Roberto Gonzalez aka El Jefe: Bueno, gracias. (Good, thanks) (leaves)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: Ahora Miguel… (Now Miguel…)
(Miguel is gone from the interrogation room)
Isabella Lopez aka Carmen: Ah, donde esta el criminal? (Ah, where is the criminal?)
Carlos Ruiz aka Rafael: El criminal no esta aqui! (The criminal is not here!)
Carlos aka Rafael and Isabella aka Carmen: Que lastima! (What a shame!)
(Cut to photo of Ms.Larkin´s 4th graders with their fists up in the air)
Rosario Dawson: A big THANK YOU to Fleet Foxes! And thanks to all of you cast and crew for making this such a remarkable experience — it really flew by, and I absolutely had an incredible time! I hope that that translated to you guys. This was a BLAST! A dream come true. Thank you SO MUCH, and have a GREAT rest of your Saturday!
Air Date:
