Emcee…..Mike Myers Model…..Laura Kightlinger Male Contestant…..Alec Baldwin Female Contestant…..Janene Garofalo Larry Templeton…..Chris Farley
Emcee: [ opens game show, speaking in Japanese ]
Model: [ banters with Emcee in Japanese ]
Emcee: [ introduces Male Contestant ]
Male Contestant: [ responds ]
Emcee: [ introduces Female Contestant, blows her a kiss ]
Female Contestant: [ responds, waves ]
Emcee: [ in his best English ] Mil-wau-kee.. Wis-con-sin.. Rarry Temperton.
Larry Templeton: [ confused ] I-I-I’m.. sorry.. I don’t speak Japanese.
Emcee: Larry-san! [ rambles Japanese too quick for Larry to interpret ]
Larry Templeton: I-I don’t understand.. There’s been a little mistake..
Emcee: [ continues further, telling a joke in Japanese and laughing ]
Larry Templeton: [ laughing politely ] You see, my wife Mary and I are here on vacation.. It’s a lovely country, everyone’s been great. Anyhoo, the concierge at the hotel said, “Do you wanna go to a game show?” Well..
Emcee: [ interrupts, confusing Larry fufther ]
Larry Templeton: See, I thought she meant see a game show, not be on a game show! Big mistake! Big.. mistake!
Emcee: [ reads question in Japanese ] Nana ju, hiaku, hochi juhotchi? Akira-san?
Male Contestant: Nana ju?
[ buzzer sounds ]
Emcee: Shasira-san?
Female Contestant: Hiaku?
[ buzzer sounds ]
Emcee: Larry-san?
Larry Templeton: Me? I don’t know.. I’m sorry.. Does anybody here speak English? Do you guys speak English? I..
Emcee: Larry-san: nana ju, hiaku, hochi juhotchi.
Larry Templeton: Could I pass? You know what, I pass! Uh..
Emcee: Nana ju, hiaku, hochi.. juhotchi.
Larry Templeton: H-hochi.. ju-hotchi..?
[ Larry wins Y50,000, Emcee cheers ]
Larry Templeton: [ pleased and surprised ] Really! Alright! Well! Hanuka! Hanuka! [ laughs ]
Emcee: [ reads next question ] Kagamoosha, dokie dokie, ka, Godzilla. Tick-tock tick-tock..
Larry Templeton: I-I-I’m sorry.. kas-mooch?
Emcee: Kagamoosha, dokie dokie, ka, Godzilla.
Larry Templeton: Ah. [ writes his answer ]
[ timer goes off ]
Emcee: Akira-san!
Male Contestant: Kagamoosha!
[ his answer wrong, Male Contestant places his hand on a napkin and slices it off with a knife ]
Larry Templeton: [ disturbed ] OH, MY GOD!! DO YOU SEE THAT?!!
[ Emcee laughs, moves on to Female Contestant ]
Emcee: Shasira-san!
Female Contestant: Kagamoosha?
[ her answer wrong, Female Contestant complies with game show rules and slices her hand off as well ]
Larry Templeton: GOOD LORD!! In the name of all that’s sacred!!
Emcee: Larry-san? [ reaches for answer ]
Larry Templeton: [ pulls answer away, shaking ] You know what? I shouldn’t be here..!
Emcee: Larry-san! [ grabs answer and pulls it from Larry, reading it ] Godzilla? Godzilla.
[ buzzer sounds; Larry’s answer is correct, he wins Y200,000 ]
Larry Templeton: Really! That was great, thank you very much! 200,000 Yen! how much is that in dollars? [ laughs ]
[ Larry is led to the Bonus Round, which consists of an electrical device that is attached via jumper cables to Larry’s pants ]
Larry Templeton: Hey, excuse me, I won. What the heck are you doing here? Just a second here.. [ Emcee laughs ] MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE!! [ Emcee prepares to ask question ] MARY, CALL THE AMERICAN EMBASSY!! [ Emcee asks question ] I DON’T KNOW!!! [ Emcee prepares to pull electrical switch ] NO, WAIT!! WAIT!! I know it, I know it!! [ nervous ] Uh.. Kwa-.. ki-.. sur-.. pi-.. ne-.. ku..?
Emcee: Kwakisurpineku?
Larry Templeton: [ confident ] Yes! Kwakisurpineku! [ laughs ]
Emcee: Hunji! Does it count!
[ judges shake heads no ]
Larry Templeton: [ elated ] Kwakisurpineku! Kwakisurpineku!
[ gong sounds ]
Emcee: Ohhhh.. Kwa-ki-sur-pi-pi-ku! [ pulls electrical switch, shocking Larry ]
Larry Templeton: AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!
[ Emcee and Model wave goodbye as game show ends ]
[ open on exterior shot, United Nations Building, with accompanying SUPER:
“Dr. Joycelyn Elders Surgeon General
Statement On Dismissal
Washington, D.C.” ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: a statement by Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. President Clinton dismissed Dr. Elders yesterday, after she advocated teaching masturbation in public schools.
[ dissolve to interior press room, as Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders stands before the podium ]
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders: [ clears her throat ] First of all.. I want to thank the President.. for the opportunity I have hi-ad over the li-ast two years.. to serve the people of the United Sti-ates.. particularly, the children. And even though I will be leaving this post, I will continue to fight for the children.. and for their bi-asic, medical and sexual needs. As I have sa-aid, time and time again.. if masturbation is not taught in the home, then it must be taught in the schools! Every year.. many of our young people.. graduate from high school complete unable to masturbate! And of those who can, most are able to do so only at a fifth-grade level! And.. how many of our children must die.. in masturbation-related accidents? Because they have not been taught the proper techniques of self-gratification? This.. is a national shame!
Now.. what I am proposing.. will not cost a lot of money – pornographic films, X-rated videos, dirty magazines.. The resources and infrastructure are in pli-ace! As my last act as Surgeon General.. I have sent out two hundred and fifty million copies of this instruction pamphlet in English and Spanish.. [ holds up the pamphlet ] ..entitled “How To Masturbate”. It does not take long to read: Step 1, Step 2; then Repeat. I am not proposing that masturbation be mandatory! Wait, yes I am! In the sense that every child will have to do it. Now, how will this new policy be implemented? Some have propsed a moment of silence.. at the beginning of the school day. Those who choose to observe during the moment of silence, may observe any religion they wish, as long as they simultaneously masturbate!
[ a giant hook is stretched out behind Elders, ready to pull her away from the podium in an effort to cut her speech short ]
Now.. I would like to emphasize.. that I do not speak for the President.
[ the hook is retreated from Elders’ back, the cause for alarm no longer imminent ]
Although, on this issue, I have been assured, privately, that we are in total agreement.. [ the hook returns and pulls Elders away from the podium, as she struggles for freedom ] ..as is the First Lady, the Vice-President, the Speaker of the House.. [ pulled away once and for all ] ..Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!“
Jack Handey V/O: People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blonde hair.
Bride-To-Be…..Janene Garafalo Maid Of Honor…..Laura Kightlinger Friend…..Ellen Cleghorne Male Dancer…..Chris Elliot Lawyer…..Alec Baldwin Judge…..Michael McKean Groom…..Jay Mohr
[ open on a group of women surrounding the Bride-To-Be at the bridal shower. The Bride-To-Be, sitting between her tow best friends, open up a gift that’s revealed to be skimpy lingerie ]
Bride-To-Be: Aw, you guys!
Friend: Hoooo! Sexyyyy!
Bride-To-Be: [ elated ] This will come in handy on my wedding night!
Maid Of Honor: Oh, sure!
Bride-To-Be: Thank you! Thanks a lot! You guys are great!
Maid Of Honor: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.. the night’s not over.
Bride-To-Be: [ excited by the prospect of what she hopes is coming ] What did you do?
Maid Of Honor: [ smirking ] Mmm-hmm! First of all – tomorrow, you know, you’re a married woman. But, tonight, as far as I’m concerned, you’re still.. single!
Bride-To-Be: [ laughing ] What did you guys do!
Maid Of Honor: Alright.. ladies, shall we? Let’s do it!
Friend: Wait, I gotta get the camera!
Bride-To-Be: What, what..?
Friend: [ now filming every second of the non-stop action ] Ready?
Maid Of Honor: Ready!
[ a giant cake is wheeled into the room. As The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” begins to blare through the room, a male exotic dancer, balding in a hairy sort of unappealing way, pops out from the middle of the cake. ]
[ the Male Dancer begins to strut his stuff in front of the Bride-To-Be ]
Male Dancer: This is for you! Here we go! Now we’re doing it! [ begins to shake his bootie in front of the Bride-To-Be ]
Bride-To-Be: [ disgusted ] Uggghh!!
[ Make Dancer grabs a tower and grinds it across his crotch, then holds the towel to the Bride-To-Be’s face, disgusting her ]
Bride-To-Be: Euuggghh!!
Male Dancer: [ licks his fingers in what’s supposed to be a sexy move ] Oh! It’s getting hot in here. Well, let’s cool things off.. shall we..? [ he grabs a water bottle and pours the water all over his body, then collapses onto the Bride-To-Be on the couch ] Ohh.. sorry.
[ the music picks up, a faster piano beat. Male Dancer dances frantically on the floor, before squeezing next to the Bride-To-Be and the Maid of Honor sitting on the couh, and he proceeds to lick his hands in front of them ]
Bride-To-Be: Oh, that’s gross!
[ Male Dancer removes his shirt, revealing hairy patches all over his stomach and back ]
Male Dancer: Ohhh.. I’m so sorry..!
[ the music shifts to the “Alley Cat Song”, as Male Dancer begins to do a slow tap on the carpet ]
[ dissolve to footage of the Bridale Shower, as seen from the videotape being presented in a court of law ]
[ pull back to show Lawyer standing beside the TV playing this testimony, as he turns the TV off ]
Lawyer: So, Your Honor, I think the video speaks for itself. [ stands behind the Bride-To-Be and her Groom ] And not only has my client had horrible nigtmares, but on her honeymoon.. she was unable to have intercourse with her husband.. because she could not get the image of THAT MAN!! [ points to the Male Dancer ] ..out of her head!
[ cut to Male Dancer in the Witness Box with a big grin on his face ]
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I’ve never seen anything so disturbing and frightening! Judgment for the Plaintiff – in the sum of $2 million! [ slams gavel ]
Male Dancer: Oh! Thank you, Your Honor! [ blows a kiss to the judge, then looks back at the camera with a wide grin ]
[ cue music: “Mr. Bojangles”, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band ]
[ dissolve to flashback-dream image of the Male Dancer doing his gyrations at the bridal shower ]
[ open on Mike and Dennis standing at the podium presenting items from their celebrity auction ]
Mike: Welcome, everyone, to our Celebrity Memorial Auction. We’ve got some remarkable items on the block today, so let’s get right to it. First up.. Lot 1-B: Anthony Hopkins’ Oscar award. [ holds up the Award ]
Dennis: That’s right, Mike. This is a, uh.. 1991 – this is the one he won for, uh.. for “Silence of the Lambs”. How ’bout that? Something, huh? Now.. we recently acquired this when Mr. Hopkins died. So..
Bidder #1: Uh.. excuse me. Yeah. Anthony Hopkins isn’t dead.
Dennis: Uh, right.. well, actually.. he, uh.. he gave up the Oscar because he needed the money.
Bidder #2: Uhhh.. isn’t Anthony Hopkins, like, a millionaire?
Mike: Uh.. no. The bidding will start at $5,000! Do I hear $5,000?
Bidder #3: $5,000.
Mike: $5,000. I see $6,000?
Bidder #2: $6,000.
Mike: $6,000.
Bidder #4: $7,000.
Mike: Do I see 8?! No? [ a beat ] Going once.. twice.. Sold! For $7,000!
Dennis: That’s for you.
Mike: Next up.. Lot 2-B.
Dennis: Oh, yes! Now, this-
Mike: A big handful of Meryl Streep’s jewelry!
Dennis: Oh, now, this is a beautiful collection there, Mike. We’ve got, uh.. everything here. We’ve got earrings.. we’ve got pearl necklaces.. we’ve got, uh.. some silverish things here – I don’t know, I guess they’re bracelets.
Mike: This collection was very important to Meryl. She kept it hidden in a steel safe, which was built into the wall of her bedroom. The only way you could reach the safe.. was by sawing through the wall and ripping out a section of it.
Dennis: Yeah.. really tough.
Bidder #4: Um.. pardon me. Um.. why do you gentlemen have this.. stuff?
Mike: Uh.. we got it when Meryl Streep died.
Bidder #3: But Meryl Streep is not dead.
Dennis: [ quickly ] She needed the money.
Mike: Okay! Do I hear $10,000?
Bidder #3: $10,000.
Mike: Uh, do I hear-
Bidder #1: $12,000!
Mike: $12,000! Anyone for $13,000? [ no more bids ] Going once.. going twice.. sold for $12,000! Here, uh.. let me, uh.. wrap that up for you, sir.. [ puts it behind the podium instead ] Ah.. we’ll get to that later. Okay, folks.. let’s take a moment to preview some of the items that will be auctioned during our afternoon selection. Lot 4-C: Sylvester Stallone’s TV and stereo.
Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is a beauty, ladies and gentleman. The TV is a 25-incher.. the stereo has a programmable CD in it – and, look what I found today, Mike! [ opens stereo, pulls out a CD ] It’s got the new Eric Clapton CD in it! [ laughs ] Yeah, I didn’t know it had that in it! That’s something else! You’ll love it!
Mike: And, also, of course.. Lot 6-C: unopened mail addressed to Tom Selleck.
Mike: Alrighty. Next up on the block is Lot 3-B: Robert Redford’s wallet and credit cards!
Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is one of my favorites. This is, uh.. hmm.. beautiful leather. And uh.. the credit cards in here, Mr. Rdford used extensively while he was filming the feature film, uh.. “Quiz Show”. Uh.. I don’t know if any of you are familiar with that. And, please notice inside that there is a $50 bill.
Mike: So, the bidding will start at uh.. $50. Do I hear $50?
Bidder #4: $50.
Bidder #3: $75!
Bidder #1: Hey, uh.. yeah.. excuse me? Those credit cards are cancelled, right?
Mike: Uh.. I don’t believe so.. Dennis?
Dennis: Well, as of yesterday evening, they were still active!
Bidder #1: $300!
Bidder #4: Uh.. mmm.. $400.
Mike: Do I hear five? [ no more bids ] $400 once.. $400 twice.. sold, for $400!
Bidder #4: Excuse me – do you have any other celebrity wallets? Because I’d be willing to pay for a Robert De Niro.
Mike: Uhh.. I think we can do that.. Dennis?
Dennis: Ah, that shouldn’t be a problem. You come back and see me next week.
Mike: You know whose wallet is very easy to get, is Jimmy Stewart.
Dennis: Yes!
Mike: Oh. Speaking of, uh.. next week, I should mention a couple of very items we’ll be auctioning off next Thursday. There’s Lot 3-F, right here: photographs of Sigourney Weaver sleeping. [ holds up the photos ] And, uh.. here’s one of Sigourney Weaver looking very frightened and angry.
Dennis: [ looking ] Oh, yes.. ouch!
Mike: Not to mention, Lot 5-F: a blackjack once used to knock Gene Hackman unconcious. [ holds up the blackjack ]
Bidder #2: Ah.. uh.. what movie was that in?
Mike: I’m, uh.. “The Robbery”. Uh.. now, we have Lot 4-B: a grab bag of Christian Slater’s possessions. [ holds up the grab bag ]
Bidder #3: What’s in the grab bag?
Dennis: Alrighty.. let’s just take a see here.. [ spills thr contents from the grab bag ] Ah, look at that – we’ve got soem nice pewter candlesticks here.. there’s a watch.. we got a clock radio over here.. and, look at this, there’s an autographed picture to Christian from William Shatner, that says, “Warp Speed Ahead – your good friend, William Shatner.” That’s something! There you go!
[ cut to Christina Slater sitting in the crowd, the studio audience going crazy with applause ]
Christian Slater: Uh.. excuse me. How exactly did you guys get that stuff?
Mike: [ suddenly nervous ] Uh, hey.. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.. I’m gonna set that aside just for you, sir.. okay? No charge.
Dennis: That’s over here.
Mike: Uh.. now we come to our final lot of the morning – Lot 5-B: Grace Kelly’s burial dress.
Dennis: [ holding up the stained white dress ] There you go. Now, this was the actual dress that she was buried in. It’s very rare. Very nice, very rare.
Christian Slater: [ elated ] Aw, man, I gotta have that! $40,000!
[ open on Roseanne sitting in session with Psychoanalyst ]
Psychoanalyst: Alright, Roseanne, let’s work, uh, some more on your multiple personality disorder. At our lkast session, we exploited several of your multiple personalities, and I think we made some real headway. Now, I want you to just close your eyes and just relax. [ Roseanne closes her eyes ] Are you relaxed?
Roseanne: Yes, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: Alright. Who would like to talk first?
[ Roseanne drifts into her first personality ]
Roseanne: Hello, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: [ somewhat bored by the proceedings ] Hello. Who am I speaking to now?
Roseanne: My name is Leesha. And I love to have sex!
Psychoanalyst: [ curiosity now suddenly piqued ] Ohhh..
Roseanne: I’m kind of a whore.
Psychoanalyst: Okay, Leesha.. why don’t you tell me about yourself?
Roseanne: Well, sex liberates me, Doctor! I’ll have sex with anyone at any time! And I love to talk about sex all the time, too! I love oral sex – is that wrong, doctor?
Psychoanalyst: Well, do you feel that it’s wrong?
Roseanne: No! I love sex. Especially giving oral sex! Would you like me to tell you a story about how much I love to give oral sex?
Psychoanalyst: Well.. if you’d like.
[ without warning, Roseanne drifts into a separate personality ]
Roseanne: Hi, I’m.. Mandy! I’m six years old!
Psychoanalyst: [ startled ] Hey, hey, hey! What happened to that last woman?!
Roseanne: Tomorrow’s my birthday!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, your birthday, huh? You don’t say.. well..
Roseanne: I want a pony!
Psychoanalyst: Well, I.. I don’t know how practical that would be here in the city.. listen – uh, is that last woman around? I, uh, I think her name is.. Linda.. or something..
Roseanne: [ speaking as herself ] Mary wants to talk to you?
Psychoanalyst: Who?!
Roseanne: Mary! The lady who works in a library!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, Mary, she’s that – do I have to talk to her, I hate her.
Roseanne: [ drifts into the next personality ] Hello, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: Oh, Mary! Hey, good to see you there, how are things at the library..?
Roseanne: Oh, I love irt at the library, everything is so orderly and quiet at the library.
Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, yeah.. it’s nice with the. the books there. Listen, uh, Mary, uh.. let me talk to the whore! Is she around?
Roseanne: Who?
Psychoanalyst: The whore! I think her name was.. “Leek”.. or.. “Leesi”, or something.. one of them weird names..
Roseanne: [ quickly drifts into another personality ] Hello, Doctor! I don’t think we’ve met before, my name is Brenda!
Psychoanalyst: [ now completely bored ] Oh.. hello there, Brenda..
Roseanne: I wanna kill someone!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, really..? Well, isn’t that something, huh..?
Roseanne: I want to kill Leesha!
Psychoanalyst: Well, she’d better be careful, then.. hey, hey, wait a minute! LEESHA!! That’s the WHORE!! No! you can’t kill her!
Roseanne: Why shouldn’t I?! You said she’s a whore yourself! She’s nothing but a dirty whore!
Psychoanalyst: Yeah, yeah.. but it’s not her fault, you know? It’s.. it’s society!
Roseanne: I have so much rage inside of me, I must kill someone!
Psychoanalyst: Whoa, whoa, whoa now, Brenda.. rage is something that, uh.. you have to learn to deal with, you know? [ thinking ] Hey, I’ll tell you what – why don’t you go kill that librarian! And, while you’re doing that, I’ll have a chat with our friend the whore! Try to talk some sense into her!
Roseanne: [ changes personalities once more ] Hello, Doctorrr. How have you been? It’s Margaret.
Psychoanalyst: [ ready to crawl out of his skin ] Oh, Margaret.. oh yeah, yeah.. aren’t you that old lady that’s afraid of birds, or something..?
Roseanne: Well, not all birds.. just the sparrows. I’m so afraid that they’ll try to pick my eyes out! Why am I so afraid of the sparrows..?
Psychoanalyst: [ trying to speed things along ] Well, uh, you know, at your age, you gotta be careful there.. you know, them sparrows could be pretty, uh.. Listen, Margaret, uh.. put on the whore!
Roseanne: [ changes personalities ] It’s Brenda! I just killed the whore!
Psychoanalyst: [ outraged ] You what?! You killed the what?!
Roseanne: Yeah! I killed the whore! And I feel so much stronger now!
Psychoanalyst: Well, that’s just great! I can’t believe this! I’m so angry right now! You killed the interesting personality you had in the bunch! You’re some piece of work, lady! It’s ridiculous! Ridiculous! Alright, snap out of it there, Sally! Betty! Whatever the hell your name is! Session’s over! You’re done!
Roseanne: [ coming out of it ] Oh.. well.. I feel a lot better. How did it go?
Psychoanalyst: [ feeling deflated ] Oh, it went great! Hey! I’ll tell you what – we’ll see you next week, we’ll have some great conversations about, uh.. libraries and birds!
Hugh Stockton…..Kevin Nealon Tom Manley…..Chris Farley Karen Shelton…..Roseanne John Leland…..Chris Elliot
Announcer: A message from the people at USAir.
Hugh Stockton: Hello, I’m Hugh Stockton, President of USAir. As you may have heard, USAir has suffered several crashes in the past few months. Since then, we’ve taken solid steps to reaffirm our dedication to flight safety. We call it the USAir four-Point Safety Guarantee.
Point 1: We won’t try to fly planes that are missing parts.
Point 2: No more skimping on fuel. From now on, we’ll measure the fuel, to eliminate the guess factor.
Point 3: Only qualified pilots, with real qualifications. No more imposters!
And, Point 4: Free McDonald’s Happy Meals for kids under 12. That’s a Hamburger or McNuggets, fries, a medium drink, and a surprise toy insid.
As you can see, our flight safety is really.. “taking off”. Just last weekend alone, every one of our flights landed safely. and we’re confident that next weekend.. we’ll make it two in a row. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s hear from some of our USAir’s 26,000 employees.
Tom Manley: Hi! I’m Tom Manley. And I’m a mechanic here at USAir. These planes don’t take off until I – or one of these guys – say so. And now that our contract’s been settled, you can be sure we’re working for USAir, and not against it.
Karen Shelton: Hi, I’m Karen Shelton. And, as a US-Air flight attendant, I don’t do much to help flight safety.. but, on the other hand.. I don’t do much to hurt flight safety, either. If I wanted to, like, sabotage a plane, I would have no idea how to do it, because I just don’t have the training! I guess, you could stick something in the air intakes to cut the fuel line or something, but I don’t know, I’m just talking!
John Leland: Hi. I’m John Leland, and I’m a USAir pilot. And I think I speak for practically all my colleagues when I say that I do not have a death wish. I have no strange compulsion to intentionally crash a plane. [ chuckles ] And, well, it’s a good thing, because God knows it would be easy! Easier than not crashing it, which, actually is very difficult. How can we be sure that no USAir pilot has a death wish? Well, we can’t. But, uh, if there were any who did.. they probably would have crashed their planes by now! So.. [ chuckles ] ..you think about that!
Hugh Stockton: Still worried about flying USAir? Look at it this way – the other airlines crash their share, too, believe me. Let’s face it.. air travel is just.. very, very dangerous. But, if you’re gonna take the risk, it might as well be with us. Because, at USAir, we learn something from every crash. That’s a guarantee.
… Norm MacDonald … David Spade Naomi Green … Janene Garofalo … Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits atthe WU desk and organizes his sheaf of papers. Music.SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …
GATT passed in the senate this week, 76 forGATT and 24 no idea what the hell GATT is.… So that was a close one.
USAir is beginning a campaign to restore passengerconfidence. I think just two little words will dothat: “We’ve landed.” … [scatteredapplause]
Blimpies has started supplying subs for Delta Airlinesto serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta isgiving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in itsrestaurants. … [applause]
Standing outside a New York City courtroom this week,Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorkers whocalled her names such as “slut” and “whore.” Observerssay the situation grew even worse when the crowdrealized who she was. … [cheers andapplause]
Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. [waves]Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! …[cheers and applause mixed with a sort of “can’tbelieve he just said that” whoo-ing] Ahhhh, well -[David Spade, seated just off camera, says somethingquietly to Norm who responds:] I don’t know.
Norm MacDonald: Well, professional baseball andhockey are still on strike and here with a commentaryis David Spade! David. [Cheers and applause as we panover to Spade in suit and tie.]
David Spade: All right! Thank you, Norman. Iwanted to send a message to the players and owners andsay, Is it really worth it? Come on. Let’s put it inperspective, folks. These athletes better look downthe road a bit ‘cuz guess what?! Baseball’s theonly thing ya do! Huh? Yeah. What? Uh huh. … It’snot even a real job! Hi! …
Guys, you’ve got families to support so braceyourself. ‘Cuz if you stop playing, in about threeyears, you’ll be hearing stuff like: “Wow, you’re theCy Young winner. You must have a really strong arm.Okay, the jackhammer’s a little tricky so you gottastay on top of it.” … “No way! You’re a catcher?Wow, that’s perfect ‘cuz you might have to catchsomeone if they fall out of the Ferris wheel somake sure they … keep the – safety bardown.”
And hockey players – here’s another group of guys withskills that translate well into the real world. “Hey![snaps fingers] Quick! We need a doctor, anelectrician and a guy who can skate backwards! …Stat!”
See what’s happening here? It can be a rough ride. AndI can talk. I’ve been in a similar situation. Thissummer, I decided I was gonna go on strike here atSaturday Night Live if I didn’t get a big fat raise.I’m worth it!, I told myself. They oweme. Well, the president of NBC looked at me andsaid, “And you are…?” … [cheers and applause] So -I decided to come back – for the love of the game.And, uh –
Also, in the big picture, I’m lucky. Deep down, I knowit. And they know it. And all of, heh, you know it…. But, uh, you know, come on. Like I couldn’t bereplaced by any kid from “Saved By the Bell”?Let’s get serious. … Like Screech couldn’t stand onan airplane and say, “Buh-bye! Buh – bye. Buh – bye.Z-z-z. Buh-bye.” … [applause] Oh, yeah, it’s easierthan it looks. …
But, guys, I do feel sorry for ya. Ya haven’t beenable to play your road games so that means, for thelast eight months, you’ve had to have sex with yourown wives. Now nobody wants that. … [more “can’tbelieve he just said that” whoo-ing and applause -Spade turns briefly to Norm and raises his eyebrows insurprise – apparently, Norm gave him the line] So,take my advice: start negotiating and playball! Back to you, Norm. [cheers andapplause]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah!
David Spade: There ya go.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, David. DavidSpade.
David Spade: Thank you for that joke. [Normshakes Spade’s hand and Spade exits.]
Norm MacDonald: Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmerwas attacked and killed by another inmate this week.[cheers and applause] Just before the fight, Dahmerthreatened, “Hey, don’t mess with me, pal. I used toeat guys like you for breakfast!” …[applause]
And a, uh, a priest – a priest says that he got Dahmerto believe in God before he died. Asked if this wouldget Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, uh, “No, butit was fun to make him think so.” …
And now, here with a commentary on the death ofJeffrey Dahmer, from the American Civil LibertiesUnion, Naomi Green. Naomi.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to humorless butpassionate civil rights advocate Naomi Green.]
Naomi Green: Thank you, Norm. Each week, inprisons around the country, serial killers are thevictims of vicious taunting, physical abuse, and evenmurder. Last week’s tragic death of Jeffrey Dahmer isonly the latest grim statistic. How many more JeffreyDahmers have to die … before we as a nation say,”Enough!” and start to commit the resources necessaryto protect these, our most vulnerable prison inmates?… Otherwise, are we to become a nation where all menare created equal except for serial killers?… And endowed with unalienable rights exceptfor cannibals? … And entitled to equal protectionunder the law except for necrophiliacs?! … Ihope not! In the days following Jeffrey Dahmer’sdeath, I’m sure we all asked ourselves the samequestion: why him? God, why Jeffrey Dahmer?!Should I have been there? Could I have done something?… But, as hard as it is to accept, the fact remains,nothing we can do now will bring Jeffrey Dahmer back.Though, maybe, if we learn from this tragedy, somegood can come of it. And, Jeffrey, if you’re out therewatching–
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Naomi,I mean, wait a minute here. Let’s remember, I mean,this Dahmer guy, you know, he wasn’t a saint.
Naomi Green: Oh, really, Norm? You, as thearbiter of taste, the man who knows what good is, whois a better person than Jeffrey Dahmer?
Norm MacDonald: I don’t know, uh – John Elway….
Naomi Green: Is he, Norm? Is he?
Norm MacDonald: Look, no offense there, lady,but you’re really giving me the creeps, you know?…
Naomi Green: Am I, Norm? Am I?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Get out o’ here. NaomiGreen, ladies and gentleman. [Cheers and applause aswe cut back to Norm who tries to read the next newsitem only to be interrupted by a man’s hand reachinginto view to give Norm a news bulletin:]
And, in foreign news today, there’s, ah – oh – ah -This just in, ah – [reads the bulletin aloud] Denverpolice report that Broncos quarterback John Elway …has been taken into custody in connection with thedisappearances of more then a dozen local teenagers…. Well, I guess I owe Miss Green an apology.
[Cut wide to reveal Naomi Green still sitting besideNorm:]
Naomi Green: [arms folded] Do you, Norm? Doyou? …
Norm MacDonald: Get out o’ here, would ya?!Geez! [Cheers and applause as a smug Naomi Greenfinally exits – Norm mutters to himself before jumpinginto the next news item:]
Yippee! Jerry Rubin died last week! … Oh, I’m sorrythat should read, uh, “Yippie Jerry Rubin died lastweek.” … Sorry about that. I’m sorry. My mistakecompletely. Just – I didn’t read it right. …
And now, it’s time for Weekend Update’s movie reviews.This week, I saw “Interview with the Vampire.” Andhere’s – here’s my review, um: “Not gayenough!” … [some applause]
Last week, Queen Elizabeth won ten pounds in hercountry’s national lottery. However, she has no plansto quit her job as Queen of England. … Yeah,I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. You think Ididn’t know? …
A Brooklyn man crossing an expressway on Monday washit by at least ten cars. According to police, theman’s body was spread over a two block area. Policealso reported that various organs were flattened onthe road and that his spine had been ripped out of historso. The man is currently resting in stablecondition at St. Mary’s Hospital. …
The new ad campaign for Duracell batteries is alreadyhaving a dramatic effect. Over seventy percent ofconsumers say they now find the batteries, quote,”creepy and disturbing.” … [scatteredapplause]
Norm MacDonald: Tonight is the seventh night ofChanukah and here, to sing a Chanukah song, is – AdamSandler! [Cheers and applause as we pan over to AdamSandler and his trusty guitar]
Adam Sandler: [chuckles at Norm’s introductionand tells him:] That was cool! [to crowd] Thank you,thank you, thank you, thanks, thanks very much. Um,well, uh, w-when I was a kid, ah, th-th-th-this timeof year always – always made me feel a little left outbecause, uh, in school, there were so many Christmassongs, and all us Jewish kids had was the song”Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” and, uh … so, uh, Iwrote a brand new Chanukah song for you Jewish kids tosing and I hope you like it!
[plays guitar and sings] Put on your yarmulke, Here comes Chanukah! So much fun-ukah To celebrate Chanukah!
Chanukah is The festival of lights; Instead of one day of presents, We have eight crazy nights! But when you feel like the only kid in town Without a Christmas tree, Here’s a list of people who are Jewish – Just like you and me! …
David Lee Roth Lights the menorah. So do Kirk Douglas, James Caan, And the late Dinah Shore-a! Guess who eats together At the Carnegie Deli? Bowser from “Sha Na Na” And Arthur Fonzarelli! … Paul Newman’s half Jewish And Goldie Hawn’s half, too; Put them together – What a fine-looking Jew! …
[Cheers and applause, Sandler has to pause beforecontinuing:]
You – You don’t need “Deck the Halls” Or “Jingle Bell Rock” ‘Cause you can spin a dreidel With Captain Kirk and Mister Spock (Both Jewish!)
Put on your yarmulke, Here comes Chanukah. The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-a Celebrates Chanukah.
O. J. Simpson —- Not a Jew! … But guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Carew! (He – he converted. Ahem.) We got Ann Landers And her sister, Dear Abby; Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish – Not too shabby! … Some people think That Ebeneezer Scrooge is. Well, he’s not, but guess who is? All three Stooges! …
[More cheers and applause, Sandler says, “Oh,boy.”]
So – ho – So many Jews are in Show biz. Tom Cruise isn’t But I think his agent is! …
Tell your friend Veronica It’s time to celebrate Chanukah; I hope I get a harmonica On this lovely, lovely Chanukah; So drink your gin and tonic-a But don’t smoke marijuana-kah; If you really, really wanna-kah, Have a happy, happy, happy, happyChanukah!
[Tremendous cheers and applause that continues to theend of the news]
Happy Chanukah, everybody! Thank you. [waves as wepull back to include Norm]
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody!Yeah!
Adam Sandler: Thank you. [points to Norm]Norm!
Norm MacDonald: [impressed, either with Sandleror all the applause he’s generated] Oh, my God.[Sandler shakes his head and waves again] The GreatSandu! [straightens his disorganized sheaf ofpapers]
Adam Sandler: Oh, my!
Norm MacDonald: [points to Sandler] He’s a -he’s a fine-lookin’ Jew!
Adam Sandler: Right on!
Norm MacDonald: [waves] That’s all the news!Good night and good luck!
[Music. Sandler waves. Norm shakes hands with Sandlerand says something complimentary to him, then removesthe microphone from his necktie as we fadeout.]
Air Date:
Beastie Boys, “Sure Shot”
