Month: October 2018

Roommates

Nancy…..Sara Gilbert
Lisa…..Ellen Cleghorne
Laura…..Melanie Hutsell
Jennifer…..Rob Schneider

[ three college girls excitedly enter their dorm room following registration ]

Nancy: Wow, it’s so cool we all like the same kind of music and everything!

Lisa: Oh, yeah!

Nancy: Looks like we’re gonna be real good roommates!

Laura: But where’s our fourth roommate? I hope she comes today.

Lisa: Yeah.. um.. do you know anything about her?

Nancy: Well, we got this card, it says her name is Jennifer Kenton, and she wnet to Hermington Boy’s Academy in Cincinnati.

Lisa: Boy’s Academy? That’s a weird name..

[ a knock at the door ]

Nancy: Oh! I bet that’s her!

[ Jennifer enters – she’s really a boy ]

Jennifer: Hi! I’m your new roommate, Jennifer Kenton. Pleased to meet you!

Nancy: Uh, hi.. I’m Nancy.

Lisa: I’m Lisa.

Laura: Laura.

Jennifer: Hi, Nancy.. Lisa.. Laura.. how are you? I’m really looking foreward to rooming with you this year! It’ll be fun! I can tell already!

Nancy: Great..

Jennifer: So! Whattaya say we all take a shower? It’s pretty hot out! [ all the girls decline the invitation ] Suit yourselves! I’ll just unpack! [ begins to unpack his stuff ]

Nancy: So, uh.. Jennifer..

Jennifer: Yep?

Nancy: Are you sure that you have the right room?

Jennifer: Sure, I’m sure! Wentworth Hall, Room 106! Say! I’ve got some clean towels here! I’ll just go ahead and put them in the bathroom, just in case anyone wants to take a shower! [ exits to bathroom ]

Nancy: I’m telling you – I could swear that was a guy!

Laura: Yeah, I thought we were supposed to have single-sex rooms?

[ the sound of running water can be heard from the bathroom ]

Jennifer: The shower works! In case anyone was wondering! [ re-enters room ] Hi, girlfriends! I’ll ust keep unpacking! [ continues to unpack, placing a poster of a bikin-clad woman on the posterboard ]

Nancy: Uh.. what’s that? It looks like the kind of poster a boy would put up.

Jennifer: No, no – that’s my cousin! She’s a model! I hate her, because she’s so thin! Back to unpacking! [ returns to his bag ] You know, I’m kind of short on underwear, is it okay if I borrow some of your underwear?

Laura: Well.. uh.. okay.. you want a bra, or panties?

Jennifer: Either is fine. Either one! [ thinking ] Both! How about both? [ Laura hands him a set ] Thanks! Hey.. speaking of underwear, isn’t it great that it’s just us girls here, and we can walk around in just our underwear, and not feel self-concious about it? If you want to, just go ahead – no problem here!

Nancy: [ pulls jockstrap out of Jennifer’s bag ] Uh.. is this your jockstrap, Jennifer?

Jennifer: No, no! That’s my cousin’s jockstrap! My other cousin! The one that’s a guy! How’d that get in there? That’s crazy! Hey, I’m getting hungry! How about we get out of here, and go to the dining hall? [ the girls agree with the sugestion ] Well.. we can’t go dirty! Come on, let’s take a shower!

Nancy: Hold on, Jennifer, or whatever your real name is. You can give it up, I mean, we all know you’re a man!

Lisa: Yeah, we’ve been on to you the whole time!

Jennifer: What?! [ gasps in shock ] I can’t believe you’re saying this to me! Sure, I may not be as pretty as you, or look as feminine as you, or have breasts as plump and round as your.. but my own roommates telling me I look like a man?! I’ve never been so upset! [ removes camera from bag ] And to think, I was just about to share with you, my new underwater camera that even takes pictures in the shower!

[ Candace enters ]

Candace: Hi! i’m Candace, I’m your new roommate! There was a mix-up at the housing office, but they figured it out, and here I am!

Jennifer: I think there has been a mix-up! I’m obviously not wanted here! And here’s some advice for you, Candace: watch out for this bunch! They can’t tolerate anyone even a little bit different than them! And I hope you’re not big on hygeine, because there’s no hope of ever getting them in the shower!

[ exits angrily, as Candace makes acquaitances with the other girls ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Sara Gilbert’s Monologue

…..Sara Gilbert

Sara Gilbert: Thanks so much! That’s really nice of you, but listen, I don’t have a lot of time. Uh, I’m not really supposed to be here. As you may know, I left “Roseanne” this year to go to college.. and this week I’ve missed a whole bunch of classes – you know, to be here in New York for the show? I didn’t want to get in trouble, so I kinda lied. I told my professors I was sick with the flu. I think they bought it, but i’m worried one of them might tune in and see me here. So, if you guys could be kind of cool and not say anything, I’d appreciate it!

Okay, great! Uh.. oh, also, there’s something else – Roseanne and Tom don’t know that I’m at college. Uh.. you know, I told them I was leaving the show because I was sick with the flu. Don’t say anything to them, either, you know? Thanks, and you guys are great!

Oh.. my parents.. My parents don’t know anything about my going to college, or being on “Roseanne”, or anything! They think I’ve been up in my room studying for the last five years. If anyone asks about the show tonight, just tell ’em it was that Urkel kid that hosted.

Anyway, we got a great show – Counting Crows is here! And, remember, I’m very, very sick.. [ feigns cough ] So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

Lunch Lady Land

…..Sara Gilbert

Adam Sandler: This is a song about the high school experience sung through the eyes of the person who – more than anyone else – puts young people on the right path. I’m not talking about the teachers, I’m not talking about the coaches, I’m not even talking about the guidence counselors. I’m talking about a person we call.. The Lunch Lady.

[ singing ]

Woke up in the morning, put on my new plastic glove.
Served some reheated salsbury steak with a little slice of love.

I got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of..
Just know everything’s doing fine down here in…
LUNCHLADY LAND

Well I wear this net on my head..cuz my red hair is fallin’ out.
I wear these brown orthapedic shoes cuz I got a bad case of the gout.

I know you want seconds on the corn dogs,
but there’s no reason to shout.

Everybody gets enough food down here in the magical..
LUNCHLADY LAND.

(G. E. Smith & band joins in)

Well yesterday’s meatloaf is today’s sloppy joes.
And my breath reaks of tuna
and there’s lots of black hairs comin’ out of my nose.
AH
Hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders
navy beans, navy beans, navy beans, navy beans.
hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders
navy beans, navy beans..MEATLOAF SANDWICH.

Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe ooh-yeah

(with Chris Farley)

Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe -YEAH

Then one morning that I woke up to see
aw the pepperoni pizza was lookin at me.

It screamed why do you burn me and serve me up cold,

I said a I got the spatula – just do what you’re told.
And the liver and onions started joining the fight
and the chocolate pudding pushed me with all its might
and the chop suey slapped me and it kicked me in the head
it’s called revenge LunchLady said the garlic bread

I said what did I do to make you all so mad?
You got flabby arms and your breath is bad.
And the green beans said you better run and hide

but then my friend Sloppy Joe came and joined my side.

He said if it wasn’t for the Lunch Lady the kids wouldn’t eat ya
You should be shakin’ her hand and sayin’ pleased to meet ya

She gives you a purpose and she gives you a goal

You should be kissin’ her feet or kissin’ her mole
Now all the angry food just leave me alone,
And we all live together in our happy home a thanks to
Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe yeah
Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe ooh yeah
Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe yeah
(slower) Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe well..

Me and Sloppy Joe got married.
We got six kids and we’re doin’ just fine.
Down in Lunch Lady Land
OHH WOAH!

Transcribed by Richard Wludyga

SNL Transcripts

Gap Girls At The Mall

Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Boss…..Chris Farley
Missy…..Sara Gilbert
Tammy…..Rob Schneider

Lucy: Hurry up and munch those fries, we’ve got to get back to work soon! [ smirks ]

Kristy: Oh, no.. I can’t fold anymore, my hands are killing me! I think I’m getting that Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.

Lucy: You don’t have it – you can only catch it from a computer.

Kristy: Well.. it’s definitely some sort of a syndrome.

Lucy: Maybe you’re getting Cheesball Syndrome, from folding all those cheesy sweaters we just got in!

[ they laugh like cats ]

Kristy: No joke! I’m so sick of that palce! The next customer that comes in, I’m gonna go, “Hi! Welcome to the Gap! Can I sell you some crap?”

Lucy: [ giggles ] I dare you!

[ the Boss enters the Food Court, and sits with the Gap Girls ]

Boss: Hey, girls! Did I miss anything?

Lucy: Nothing. Kristy’s being stupid again!

Boss: Hey, that reminds me – I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson likes shopping at K-Mart, ’cause.. there was a sale! [ laughs ]

Lucy: You scrwed it up, Dumbo! He went shopping at K-Mart, ’cause he heard little boys’ pants were half-off.

Boss: Aw, that’s right..

Lucy: He’s so out of it, he’s a freak!

Kristy: [ alarmed ] That’s not fair! You guys are already convicted him! All of his charges are based on hearsay and contenture! It’s all circumstantial, anectodal evidence!

Lucy: What?

Kristy: I’m just telling you what I heard.

Lucy: Do you even know what those words mean?

Kristy: No! [ laughs ]

Boss: You guys have been watching too much Court TV!

Kristy: I know.. have you been following the Mennondendez Trial?

Boss: Yeah! Did you see their lawyers hair?

Lucy: Oh, my God! She’s guilty of a bad perm!

Boss: Really. I ob-ject! I mean, it’s like being represented by Sammy Hagar!

Kristy: Hey, which one of the brothers got his thing cut off?

Lucy: Um.. I think that’s the older one.. [ grbs handful of fries ] God, I love these fries!

Boss: [ laughing ] If you love’ em so much, why don’t you marry ’em! [ eats some fries ] Can I have some?

Lucy: Um.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..

Boss: [ munches away ] These are good!

Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?

Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?

Boss: [ grabs Lucy’s collar ] Lay off, man, I’m STARVING! [ pause ] Diet starts Monday!

[ Tammy and Missy enter from the Donut Hut ]

Missy: Oh, look, Tammy, it’s the Gap Girls, and they’re eating. What a surprise!

Tammy: So, Kristy, you still going out with that a-hole Paul?

Kristy: [ silently ] Maybe..

Lucy: No way! You said you were gonna blow him off!

Kristy: I know.. but you guys don’t understand him..

Missy: I understand – he’s a loser! You’ve got to get rid!

Lucy: Ya, and he’s so mean to you. Doesn’t he always tell you you look like you’ve slept on your face?

Kristy: Yeah.. but he’s just really honest.

Missy: Well, what about when you reminded him that he owes you $600, and he punched you in the neck?

Kristy: Well, he’s just really sensitive – he’s a Cancer.

Lucy: [ weepy-wyed ] Kristy, listen to yourself! I hate to see this happen to you! You’re my best friend!

[ everyone tries not to laugh ]

Boss: Really, Kristy. Give him the keys to the street, and do it tonight!

[ Four Days Later ]

[ Tammy and re-enter the Food Court to almost identical positions ]

Tammy: So, Kristy, still going out with that a-hole Paul?

Kristy: I can’t believe we’re all wearing the same thing we did four days ago!

Lucy: No, we aren’t!

Kristy: Trust me – we are. Anyway, I told Paul to haul ass!

Missy: More like he told you!

Kristy: Not even. He came over, and I went to get the mail, and when I came back, and I was all, “Did you use my phone to call a girl?” And he was all, “No!” So I picked it up, and I hit redial, and, lo and behold.. [ imiiates dialing noise ] “Hello?” I’m all, “You’re busted, sweetie.. and so are you, Paul! GET OUT!!

Lucy: Wow! you are the queen of phone trickery!

Missy: So, how are those fries Kristy? Trying to put a little chunk in your trunk?

Kristy: Me? You’re the one looking a little loose in the caboose – you Donut Hut slut!

[ everyone oohs ]

Boss: Yeah, Missy! You’re so dumb.. when they were passing out brains, you thought they said “Trains”.. and then, you got on it.. on a train, then went for a ride!

Missy: That didn’t even make sense!

Boss: Shut up!

Missy: Whatever!

Kristy: Really, whatever!

Tammy: Whatever!! Have fun making minmum wage, girls!

[ Tammy and Missy turn and exit ]

Kristy: You, too.. creep.

Lucy: Geez.. those two are always..

Kristy & Lucy: O.T.R.!

Boss: [ gasps ] you two are terrible!

[ they laugh as the scene zooms out to fade ]

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 15th, 1994

Sara Gilbert

Counting Crows

None

John Bobbitt on Court TV

Recurring Characters: John Bobbitt, Tonya Harding.

Sara Gilbert’s Monologue

HiberNol

(Repeat) See: 11/14/92.

Roommates

Simon

Recurring Characters: Simon.

Gap Girls

Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy, Cindy.

Counting Crows performs “‘Round Here”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Blossom

“Lunch Lady Land”

EuroDisney

Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner.

Rob Schneider’s Girlfriend Theater

Counting Crows performs “Mr. Jones”

20 Questions With Bryant Gumbel

Recurring Characters: Bryant Gumbel.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 10

93j: Jason Patric / Blind Melon

The Road To Self-Improvement

Don LaPre….David Spade
Kevin….Jason Patric
Mark….Tim Meadows
White Girl….Melanie Hutsell
Black Girl….Ellen Cleghorne
Overweight kid….Chris Farley
Death Row Inmate….Phil Hartman

Caption: The following program is a paid advertisementbut if you think it’s a real show then who’s to sayyou’re wrong. Go with your instincts and don’t letanyone tell you what a “real” show is.

[Pleasant music theme. Don LaPre is enthusiaticallytalking with his friend Kevin in a homely kitchen overcoffee]

Announcer: And now it’s time to journey down The Roadto Self Improvement with your host Don LaPre.

Don LaPre: Hi, I’m Don LaPre and I have a question foryou. Do you find that sometimes there’s not enoughhours in the day to do all the things you want?

[Kevin is kinda slow]

Kevin: Yes, sometimes but not that often cause I don’t have a job.

Don LaPre: Well, in general, don’t you think it’s safeto say that most people run into a time-constraintproblem sometime in their lives?

Kevin: Yeah, sure.

Don LaPre: That’s right. And it’s easy to fix. It’seasy to do. With my system you’ll save so much timesoon you’ll be saying ‘Airport, Shmairport’.

Kevin: Why–why would I say that?

Don LaPre: You know, like, if you were late for theairport and you didn’t care because you wouldn’t belate for the airport or anything else in life becauseyou’ll have so much extra time.

Kevin: That sounds great. What do I do?

Don LaPre: Slow down, Kevin. Tell me something, if youwere walking down the street and you saw a door with asign on that said, “Behind this door lies wealth,fortune and happiness”. Would you want a key to thatdoor?

Kevin: Sure.

Don LaPre: But what if there wasn’t a lock on thatdoor and yet it still wouldn’t open. What would you do then?

Kevin:[unsure]Uh,I’d try to open it?

Don LaPre: But what if you didn’t even know the doorexisted?[blank look on Kevin]Ok,I’m losing you. Forgetthat. There is a door and I’m the key to opening it.Isn’t it exciting? My system in saving time is easy tofollow. Anyone can do it.

Kevin: But I’m mildly retarted.

Don LaPre: So am I. So are most people. It doesn’tmatter. My system is easy to use because all you do isabbreviate or shorten the words that you use in everyday life.

Kevin: I still don’t follow.

Don LaPre: Ok, I’ll slow down. Let’s say I used thissentence. “Hey, ‘Kev’. I just got back from my ‘vacay’in Hawaii and I’m feeling a bit under the ‘weath’ soI’ll fill you with the ‘detes’ later”. Now how longdid it take me to say that?

[Kevin looks for a second to his watch]

Kevin: 11 seconds.

Don LaPre: Exactly. Because I shortened the words.Saying it the old-fashioned-way would’ve taken upto…14 seconds. But if you talk my way all the timeyou’ll have extra hours at night to study, read orenjoy your favorite cd. It’s that simple.

Kevin: But this system may take years to learn.Shortening words? I’m still confused.

Don LaPre: Don’t change the ‘sub’. I’m here to tellyou this system is incred-ible.

Kevin: Ohh, I see. At first I was having a little’troub’ but now I get it.

Don LaPre: Hey, slow down, Kevin. Don’t turn the’tabes’ on me. It’s still my show.[Forcedlaughter]Kevin, once you paid and listened to all ofthe 5 tapes of this system you’ll be able to ‘abbrev’any words in your ‘vocab’. Watch.

[Cut to suave, handsome black guy in a gym]

Mark: Not only does shortening words saves time but itmakes the ladies ‘H to T’–Hot to Trot. Watch this,Don.[A black girl and a white girl appear. Don holdsthem one on each arm]Hey, ladies. Did you hear the newDoobie Brothers album went ‘Quad Plat’?

Black Girl: Ooohhh. He means quadruple platinum.

Mark: Yeah, you know, I used to have a girlfriend in’Calif’ but I couldn’t handle a long ‘d-relath’.

White Girl: You’re as cool as they come, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, come on ladies. We’re ‘hist’.

[Back to Don, Kevin holds up cup]

Kevin: I’m sold.

Don LaPre: And mom, the kids will love it!

[Cut to overweight kid in a park]

Overweight kid: Supercalifragilisticexpialidoch—-hahahahaha, I’mgonna use my extra time to play Legos! Yay!

[Back to Don]

Kevin: But I don’t know how to play Lego.

Don LaPre: It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to knowhow to play Lego. You can spend you’re extra timedoing anything you want. Look.

[Cut to death row inmate in prison]

Death Row Inmate: Next month I’m gonna be executed by’Leth Injects’. So every minute counts. Thanks, Don.And by the way, ‘Airport Schmairport’.

[Back to Don who gives a thumbs up]

Kevin: Don, I don’t see how anyone can pass up thisamazing system. It sells itself.

Don LaPre: Well Kev, unfortunately it doesn’t. Sofolks, make a call to the number on your screen andI’ll se you again tomorrow night at 2 a.m. Buh-bye.

[Don gives a thumbs up and keeps talking to Kevin]

[Pleasant theme music]

Caption: The Road to Self Improvement. $49.95 for 5tapes. 1-600-Sav-Time.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
…..Richard Simmons

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. The big news is that I Linda Richman, saw Barbra Joan Streisand in concert in Las Vegas, Nevada. She was so beautiful, and her voice was like buttah. But wait, it gets better. She invited me on stage. Hand to God, I was on stage with Barbra Streisand. It was just like when Merv Griffin used to invite Mrs. Miller up from the audience. Now I’m getting a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: a Thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master. Discuss! There I feel better. Let’s go the phones. The number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk, no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Linda. You saw Barbra in Vegas. Did you do any gambling?

Linda Richman: Are you kidding? I played the slots so much I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome. I can’t even open a door. I was hoping that Robert Redford would offer me a million dollars but instead a dry cleaner from Newark asked me to move over. Evidently I put on some weight. I’ve been trying so hard. I’m at my wit’s end. (doorbell rings) Who is it?

Voice of Richard Simmons: It’s me Richard Simmons!

Linda Richman: Richard Simmons, Come in I love you!

[ Richard Simmons runs onto the set ]

Richard Simmons: Linda you look wonderful.

Linda Richman: Start!

Richard Simmons: Linda I’m so jealous. You were on stage with Barbra Streisand. What was she like?

Linda Richman: Oy God. She’s a pistil in my scheinel ponnum. A scheina cup. Mitin drinin dura hommelginnum homelmitzvah etzel betzel tookel hyam yenkel sem out my kyahh.

Richard Simmons: That’s what I thought.

Linda Richman: Exactly.

Richard Simmons: Linda, that’s not the only reason I came to visit you. I thought you looked so beautiful on that stage.

Linda Richman: Thank you Richard.

Richard Simmons: And it makes me so verklempt to see those extra pounds under those cute little pants.

Linda Richman: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Richard Simmons: Linda, look at me. Be honest. It’s you holding the fork.

Linda Richman: Richard, you have ibbaboodled in the cappie.

Richard Simmons: Linda you know I’m right.

Linda Richman: You’re right Richard. Please help me.

Richard Simmons: You know I’ve sold a lot of Deal-a-Meals, and helped people. So I made a deal that is more motivating to you. Deal-a-Streisand.

Linda Richman: Deal-a-Streisand?

Richard Simmons: (sings) Linda can you hear me? Linda can you hear me?

Linda Richman: Anything please just help me.

Richard Simmons: (sings) I’ll show you how to live not eating candy you’ll be a ball of buttah. Just turn the card around and use them now.

Linda Richman: Can I still eat Italian?

Richard Simmons: (sings) People. People who eat pizza have the highest cholestrol in the world.

Linda Richman: What about dessert?

Richard Simmons: Dessert? (sings) I can’t bring you blincent anymore!

Linda Richman: I’ve been eating so many desserts. I feel a little guilty.

Richard Simmons: There’s nothing to be guilty of.

Linda Richman: I just remember when I couldn’t eat anything. Anything.

Richard Simmons: (sings) Memories. Wipe the cream off Apple Pie. Don’t need those extra calories. Kiss the fat goodbye.

Linda Richman: Thank you Richard you made me feel so much better.

Richard Simmons: But Linda remember something: (sings) Happy days are here again. The sky above is clear again. So let’s sing a song about happy thighs.

Linda Richman: Boom Boom Boom.

Richard Simmons: Happy Tooshes.

Linda Richman: Boom Boom Boom.

Richard Simmons: Happy neck.

Both: Boom Boom Boom. Happy days are here again.

Linda Richman: That’s all the time we have. Thank you Richard.

Both: Barbra, we love you!

(scene fades)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 8th, 1994

Jason Patric

Blind Melon

Richard Simmons

Andrew Giuliani Acts Up

Recurring Characters: Rudolph Guiliani, Andrew Guiliani.

Jason Patric’s Monologue

The NFL on Fox

The Road To Self-Improvement

Don LaPre (David Spade) invents word abbreviations to move through life quicker.

Blind Melon performs “No Rain”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Mister Intense

Coffee Talk

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Where’s The Rest Of Me?

Hand model Fabrice (Patric) loses finger in accident, searches for will to live.

Blind Melon performs “Paper Scratcher”

Herlihy Boy Dog Sitting Service

Recurring Characters: Mr. O’Malley.

Ski Lift

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
David Dinkins…..Tim Meadow

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon

President Clinton pulled a muscle in his back this week. He was given painkillers by Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, who suggested taking two legalzied drugs every six hours while listening to the complete works of Pink Floyd.

Clinton’s doctors confirmed that the pain in the President’s back was a charley horse. They said if the pain was any lower, they would have called it a Ross Perot.

Later, President Clinton said that, while he did put some painkillers in his mouth, he never swallowed.

And, during a Chanukkah celebration this week, President Clinton wanred children: “Shhh! Don’t tell anyone I’m Jewish!”

Although this weeks repairs to the Hubble telescope were successful, the cost of sending NASA’s astronauts to make the repair was phenomenal. So, next time President Clinton feels he may just hire a couple of Mexican astronauts to do it at half-price.

Well, Xerox executives got in the Christmas spirit this week, by hanging mistletoe over the time clocks so 10,000 employees could kiss their jobs goodbye.

Kevin Nealon: Now, with a final message to New York, the honorable Mayor David Dinkins. Mayor?

Mayor David Dinkins: Thank you, Mr. Nealon. Now, first of all, I’d like to wish everyone across this great nation a happy holiday, and also a prosperous New Year. Now, I know that this is a national TV show, so I’d like to ask everyone else to just be patient for a moment while I address my fellow New Yorkers. Since this is the last broadcast of “Saturday Night Live” of this calendar year, this is the last time I’ll be able to speak to the city. Because after January 1st, 1994, I will no longer be Mayor of New York, because you voted me out of office. So I’d like to address the City of New York. Can you get closer?

[ camera zooms in, as the lights go dim, creepy music plays, and a scowl grows on Dinkins’ face ]

I’ll get you for this! You hear me? You messed with the wrong man! And don’t think you can hide, ’cause you can’t! Everywhere you go, I’ll be waiting! Because I’m the King of the Night! Let me give you a little scenario: you’ll be walking down the street alone, and suddenly you’ll feel something behind you! Is it your imagination? Or is it me, David Dinkins, lurking in the shadows, dressed in my black, skintight jumpsuit? I may be old, but I move like a cat! And this cat bites, baby! [ hisses ] I’ve got a highly-trained sense of smell, and night vision like that of an owl! And powers beyond that of a mortal man! And I’ll get you! So, have a happy New Year, New York! And, remember – January 1st, you are mine! Back to you, Mr. Nealon.

[ camera zooms out, lights reappear ]

Kevin Nealon: Mayor Dinkins, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Mayor. Hey, I voted for the guy.

A survey showed that 63% of all shopping mall Santas have college degrees. It also showed that they’re not doing it for money, but using the disguise to hide from student loan officers.

Ted Turner has purchased the rights to the once-too-often-rerun film “It’s A Wonderful Life”, and is limiting the number of broadcasts to three this holiday season. Since the announcement, letters have been pouring in, urging Turner to buy the rights to the Tony Little infomercial.

And more bad news for Michael Jackson this week, when former friend and companion Bubbles the Chimp revealed that he was actually a 12-year-old boy paid by Jackson to live in a monkey costume.

Video game companies are reportedly getting ready to “rate” video games for violence, sex and profanity. The move comes after the controversial release of Nintendo’s Long Dong Donkey Kong.

And finally, Lorena Bobbitt was arrested again this week, for attacking Frosty the Snowman and cutting off his carrot.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

White Diamonds Perfume

Von Rye…..Phil Hartman
Card Player…..Mike Myers
Elizabeth Taylor…..Sally Field

Announcer: Elizabeth Taylor.. for White Diamonds.

[ open on Von Rye challenging a Card Player at the table ]

Von Rye: ..And I raise you.

Card Player: I.. am afraid I’m a little short.

Von Rye: [ sinister laugh ]

[ Elizabeth Taylor enters the room ]

Elizabeth Taylor: Not so fast, von Rye.

Von Rye: [ stunned ] Elizabeth Taylor! It’s you!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] It’s been a long time.

Von Rye: I can’t believe it. You haven’t changed in twenty years!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] You flatter me!

Von Rye: You’re a vision! Those clear, violet eyes.. those cheekbones.. My God, but you’re lovely!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] These.. have always brought me luck! [ holds up a diamond earring ]

Von Rye: It’s flawless.

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] Yes. Three carats.

Von Rye: No. I meant your skin. Are you some kind of sorceress? Have you discovered some new fountain of youth?!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus, laughs ]

[ dissolve to product on table ]

Announcer: White Diamonds. The intriguing new fragrance from Elizabeth Taylor.

[ out of focus Elizabeth stands behind product ]

Elizabeth Taylor: There’s nothing in the word.. as timeless.. as.. [ breathy ] White Diamonds.

SNL Transcripts