[ Music Open: “Every Breath You Take”, The Police ]
Allison McGrath: Hi, and welcome to “Stalk Talk”. I’m your host,Allison McGrath, and as usual we are joined by four stalkers, men and womenwho seem to have a difficult time letting go of their ex-lovers andconsequently follow them around and scare them very much. Let’s say helloto our guests. Our first stalker is Brian, who broke up with hisgirlfriend..
Brian: 5 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago.
Allison McGrath: Oh. And what’s the girl’s name?
Brian: “Bitch.”
Allison McGrath: Okay. Let’s move to our second stalker, Marty.
Marty: Hello. I’m Marty.
Allison McGrath: Hi, Marty. Now, your stalk victim broke up withyou in the fifth grade.
Marty: She didn’t break up with me! We decided to see otherpeople.
Allison McGrath: And, yet, you’re still upset with her, aren’t you,Marty?
Marty: [ laughing nervously ] Oh, no, I wouldn’t.. Yes.
Allison McGrath: Um.. fine. Danny, you’re a stalker, too?
Danny: Uh, yes. I’ve been stalking a certain someone for the pastfour-and-a-half years, non-stop around the clock.
Allison McGrath: Well.. [ laughing ] ..you’re here now, soI guess you’re not stalking her all the time!
Danny: Uh, no. I have a friend stalking her for me right now.
Allison McGrath: Great. That brings us to our final stalker. Afemale stalker. Say hello to Ellen.
Ellen: Hi. Can I just take a minute to talk to David Hasseloff forjust a second? [ to the camera ] David, you can marry as many girls asyou want, but I will always be true to you, my love. Damn you toHell!
Allison McGrath: Okay. Now, uh.. Brian. Uh.. how did yourrelationship end?
Brian: With “Bitch”?
Allison McGrath: Uh.. yeah..
Brian: Say it!
Allison McGrath: Uh.. okay.. How did your relationship end with”Bitch”?
Brian: It was hard. Like any relationship, there were good days..ups and downs.. good days, bad days.. She started to answer the phoneagain, I really thought we had a good chance to put things back together.Until that tennis instructor used his magic powers to get “Bitch” to fallin love with him.
Allison McGrath: Magic powers?
Brian: Spells, withcraft, what not. You see, in real life.. she lovesme, but she’s under the influence of this agent of the Devil.
Allison McGrath: Um.. alright.. Marty, why do you think your girlbroke up with you?
Marty: Broke up with me, what? Did she tell you that?
Allison McGrath: Um.. no.
Marty: We’re not broken up.. I mean, we’re just taking a little timeto sort things out.. [ laughs nervously ]
Allison McGrath: Well, seventeen years to sort things out?
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Brian: Do you suspect any involvement by the forces of evil?
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Allison McGrath: Uh.. Ellen, as you said before, you’re in love withDavid Hasselhoff, of TV’s “Knight Rider”..
Ellen: Yes, I love him. He’s on “Baywatch” now, okay?
Marty: He’s good. I like him, too.. a lot! [ Ellen gives hima dirty look ]
Allison McGrath: Well, Ellen.. David obviously hurt you bad. Whendid you guys go out?
Ellen: Well, you know.. David and I aren’t a real “going-out”kind of couple.. Our idea of a perfect night is to order Chinese food andwatch Cary Grant movies.. [ laughs ]
Allison McGrath: And what does David Hasselhoff’s wife thinkof that?
Ellen: [ angry ] I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear you say that!
Allison McGrath: I’m sorry, but have you ever even actually metDavid Hasselhoff?
Ellen: [ teeth clenched ] “No! I have never met David Hasselhoff! But I have seen him, and I’ve watched him manytimes.. and he welcomes my watching like a lover should!
Brian: Do you have those infra-red goggles?
Ellen: No.
Brian: Me, neither. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t need thesemodern devices.. that help me see in the dark. I mean, stalking issimplicity in itself. It’s a person.. and the person he’s hunting.
Brian: But.. that’s me. Now, this guy.. [ acknowledgesMarty ] ..I’ll bet he’s got the best goggles money can buy.
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Danny: Excuse me? So, I can wear those infra-red things, and hang ona tree branch and watch her sleeping in an upstairs bedroom at night?
Marty: [ nodding ] Yes!
Danny: [ elated ] Oh-ho, yeah!
Brian: You see? They’re like that, young stalkers. They’re kids.It’s a generation thing, I guess.
Allison McGrath: Um.. stalkers, give me your best stalking story.Let’s start with Ellen.
Ellen: Yeah. Okay.. it was the eighth episode of the 88-89 seasonof “Knight Rider”.. David had just started to grow his hair too long, youknow? And I thought it needed to be cut. So, I snuck onto his set and I hidunder his trailer with a pair of scissors.. but he never showed up! Heknew that I was there! He needed a haircut, but he left melying there like a fool! I hate you, David Hasselhoff! I hate you!!
Allison McGrath: Boy, talk about crossed signals! [ laughs ]
Ellen: [ laughs back and shrieks ]
Allison McGrath: Okay, uh.. Brian, how about a stalker story?
Brian: Well.. “Bitch” had gone over to the tennis instructor’s houseafter work.. no doubt as a result of his voodoo. Naturally, I was 50-75yards behind her at all times.. “Bitch” had been there about two hours,during which I was hiding in the bushes reading a comic book. I got kindof bored, so I started making bird noises.. like this.. [ demonstratessome wild bird noises, as Marty laughs ] What’s so funny?!
Marty: [ laughing ] It’s just that I’ve done that!
Brian: Oh. Well, anyway.. I’m making these bird noises.. all of asudden.. the warlock comes out with his tennis racket. I guess hewas looking to beat the hell out of this crazy bird that’s interrupting hisdemon seance with “Bitch”. So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in thestreet screaming, “I’m the bird! I’m the little bird! And the Bitchwill burn in Hell!” I must have run fifteen blocks before the copspicked me up.
Allison McGrath: Oh, you were arrested for disorderly conduct?
Brian: Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.
Allison McGrath: Okay. Um.. Marty, how about a story?
Marty: [ laughing ] I liked his story!
Allison McGrath: Yeah. That’s nice. I bet you’ve got a goodone, though?
Ed Glosser…..Christopher Walken Female Employee…..Julia Sweeney Male Employee #1…..Phil Hartman New Employee…..Rob Schneider Male Employee #2…..Adam Sandler Delivery Boy…..Chris Rock
[ Female Employee drops her styrofoam cup while pouring some spring water.Ed Glosser picks it up for her, then accidentally grabs her hand, fallinginto a trance ]
Female Employee: Are you alright?
Ed Glosser: [ pause ] You have a daughter..
Female Employee: Yes?
Ed Glosser: She’s at home with the housekeeper..
Female Employee: Yes?
Ed Glosser: The housekeeper just waxed the kitchen floor..
Female Employee: Yes?
Ed Glosser: Your daughter’s running.. on the wet kitchen floor..
Female Employee: [ panicking ] And?
Ed Glosser: She’s leaving footprints..
Female Employee: Yeah?
Ed Glosser: The housekeeper’s annoyed.. she has to do that part of thefloor over again..
Female Employee: Really?
Ed Glosser: It’s not too late! You can call her.. and save her!
Female Employee: Um.. I have some work to do, but I’ll call her later.Okay? Say, how did you get these powers, anyway?
Ed Glosser: [ looks into the camera ] I.. don’t.. know..
Announcer: Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic. During a brief power outage,Ed Glosser’s tanning booth experiences a slight malfunction. Forfeiting adarker base, he instead gains the mildly impressive ability to foretellinsignificant events of the immediate future. This is his story..
Male Employee #1: Ed, I want you to meet Bob. He just joined usover in Accounting.
New Employee: Nice to meet you! [ shakes Ed’s hand ]
Ed Glosser: [ falls into his trance ] Tomorrow.. on the way to work..you’re gonna buy a cup of coffee..
New Employee: [ anxious ] Yeah?
Ed Glosser: Then you’re gonna hail a cab..
New Employee: Uh huh! Does the cab crash?!
Ed Glosser: No.. you’re gonna leave the coffee in the cab!
New Employee: Okay.. I guess I’ll just have to get another cup whenI get here.
Ed Glosser: Look! you don’t get it! You’re wasting coffee!
Male Employee #1: Ed, Ed, Ed.. what’s the big deal? It’s just a cupof coffee! Look, we’ve got a whole pot of it over there.
Ed Glosser: accidentally touches the male employee’s arm and fallsback into his trance ] At lunch.. you’re gonna treat yourself to a vanilla icecream.. you’re gonna eat it too fast.. you’re gonna get an ice cream headache..it’s gonna hurt.. real bad.. right.. [ touches the middle of his forehead ]..here.. for eight, nine seconds..
Male Employee #1: Ed, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.But you’re giving everybody the creeps.
Ed Glosser: I didn’t ask for these powers! Theyjust came to me!
Male Employee #1: Well, I see a large stack of papers on your desk..and I see you finishing them all by five o’clock! [ laughs and turns to leave ]
New Employee: Hey, uh.. nice meeting you. [ starts to shake Ed’shand again, but retreats and leaves ]
Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey! Psychic Man! What do you seehappening in the World Series – Toronto or Atlanta?
Ed Glosser: [ upset ] I can’t believe you’re asking me to use mypowers in that way! [ turns to leave, but Male Employee #2 grabs Ed’sarm and sends into another trance ] You’re eating a bag of pistachios.. youwill find that one is very difficult to open..
Male Employee #2: Yeah?
Ed Glosser: You’re not going to be able to open it with your fingers.. you’re gonna have to use your teeth.. it’s gonna taste very bad..
Male Employee #2: Just the one nut?
Ed Glosser: Yes!
Male Employee #2: Alright.. well, thanks for thattip. I’m going to go call my bookie now. [ leaves ]
[ Ed sits in the office, annoyed ]
Delivery Boy: [ enters carrying a bag ] Excuse me, did you order atuna fish sandwich?
Ed Glosser: Yeah.. [ pulls out some money and places it in theDelivery Boy’s hand, falling into another trance ] You have a car..
Delivery Boy: Yeah?
Ed Glosser: [ pause ] Could you give me a lift home? Nobody aroundhere likes me.
Delivery Boy: Sure. Why not?
Ed Glosser: [ still in trance ] There’s going to be traffic.
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey James Stockdale…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Ross Perot driving a car along a country road, with Admiral James Stockdale as his passenger ]
Ross Perot: Beautiful day, isn’t it, Admiral Stockdale? Yeah, I just adore driving! I just adore it!
James Stockdale: WHERE ARE WE GOING?!!
Ross Perot: Ah, that don’t matter! We’re just going for a ride, we’re just eating up the highway! See, we’ve been working real hard. This here’s like a joyride, so I say en-joy!
James Stockdale: YOU’RE THE BOSS!!
Ross Perot: That’s right! Now, you wanna hear some music? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, today you’re gonna get all the music you want! [ he flips through channels only to be greeted with static ] Aw, I don’t believe it! You see? Is that how the game is played, Admiral? They can’t put a tranmitter out here so good, honest, decent American people can hear some nice country music. And I just think that’s sad!
James Stockdale: GOVERNMENT’S IN..! IN GRIDLOCK!
Ross Perot: Well, there you go! Now, that was vintage! That was one of the finest moments in any debate I’ve ever seen. I mean, talk about Pin the Tail on the Donkey — that’s just what you did! You were A-1 in that debate! You had an H-Bomb, them other fellers had a slingshot!
James Stockdale: PING-PONG MATCH! IT… was… a.
Ross Perot: Well — yes, sir! You won it, hands down! I tell ya, those press people? They’re just loony! They say you’re a drag on the ticket? They must have been watching a different show! When you were quiet there for an hour, that was WORLD CLASS! Showed you ain’t just talk! You know, a quiet man, a lot going on upstairs. Them others just went shooting their mouthes off!
James Stockdale: WHO AM I?! WHY AM I HERE?!
Ross Perot: Well, you’re the Admiral! You’re taking a joyride! [ he cackles with glee ] Oh, I get it! You’re quoting yourself, right? “Who am I?” Now, that lnie there, that was precious! Adn you know, Admiral, when you were wandering around there — remember that? When it looked like you were gonna go over to Gore’s podium? Well, that was — Margo and I, we just loved that! It showed you were restless, had places to go, people to see!
James Stockdale: I’M OUT OF AMMO!!
Ross Perot: [ cackling ] Perfect! Perfect! And the part where you were stopping and stuttering — GRAND SLAM, I’ll tell you! Shows you weren’t rehearsed, like those other two. A president needs to be spontaneous, and the American people know it.
James Stockdale: GRIDLOCK!!
Ross Perot: That’s right. And the way your mind drifted — showed your open to new ideas. And, Admiral, when you took your glasses on and off nervously, and when you forgot your hearing aid was off, like you didn’t know where you were — well, that was just stunning! And I adored it, and so did Margo and all my kids.
James Stockdale: I’M HUNGRY!
Ross Perot: Admiral, we ate at Denny’s a half-hour ago. You had a double cheeseburger. Your belly’s full. I rest my case.
James Stockdale: [ suspicious ] Where are we…?
Ross Perot: Ain’t this pretty country, Admiral? Aren’t you having fun? We’re miles from anywhere, see? Now, now take a look over there — [ he points ] There’s a ten-point buck deer. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s a symbol of American strength — right over there, Admiral!
James Stockdale: [ looking ] WHERE!!
Ross Perot: Right, right over there. Look, I’ll pull up so you can get a better look. [ he stops the car ] Now, do you see it now? Do you see it?
James Stockdale: NO!!
Ross Perot: Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve seen it — Why don’t you get out and take a better look? You deserve it. I’m trying to think of you. Go on, Admiral.
[ Stockdale exits the car ]
Ross Perot: That’s right. Go on out there. Now, take a few steps. It’s worth it! Now, go on. That’s right.
James Stockdale: I DON’T SEE IT!!
Ross Perot: Take a few more steps, and, and, and just go on! Go on!
[ satisfied, Perot kicks the car into gear and drives off like a bat out of Hell ]
Ross Perot: I’m doing this for the young people, that’s right!
[ Perot’s car phone rings ]
Ross Perot: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it’s a done deal! Yeah, I fixed it. No, no, he went quietly. Now, tell the Press we have no idea where he is, and make sure all this is ready for Larry King Wednesday night. By then, I think we can definitely take care of — [ he looks in his mirror ] Oh, bull shoot! I don’t believe it! I’ll get back to ya’.
[ reveal Stockdale frantically running alongside the car ]
James Stockdale: WHAT HAPPENED?!! WHERE DID YOU GO?!!
Ross Perot: Is that you, Admiral? I-I-I-I’ll tell ya, these brakes are tricky in these American cars! And that’s just sad! Let me try again here!
[ Perot slams the brakes ]
Ross Perot: Lesson for today? Never try to ditch a war hero. Tenacious with a Capital T.
[ Stockdale re-enters the car ]
James Stockdale: I’m hungry!
Ross Perot: Alright. Well, where do you want to go, Admiral? There’s an Astro Burger at the next exit. Waht do you say?
James Stockdale: “Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”
Christopher Walken: Thank you. Thank you, good to see you. I’m excitedto host the show. You know, these are difficult times for a lot of people.And with the election coming up, there’s a lot of uncertainty. Sixty yearsago, Irving Berlin had some thoughts on the subject..
[ singing ] “There may be trouble ahead, But while there’s moonlight and music, And love and romance, Let’s face the music and dance.
Before the peddlers have fled Before they ask us to pay the bill, And while we still have a chance, Let’s face the music and dance.
Soon, we’ll be without the moon, Humming a different tune and then, There may be teardrops to shed, But while there’s moonlight, and music, And love and romance, Let’s face the music and dance, dance! Let’s face the music and dance!”
[ Christopher dances with Ellen Cleghorne, then Melanie Hutsell, then anaudience member ]
Christopher: Jan! Will you dance with me?
Jan: No Chris, I have to get ready, my hair’s a.. okay.
[ Christopher and Jan dance ]
Lorne Michaels: Jan, what are you doing?
Jan Hooks: Nothing. [ scurries off ]
Christopher Walken: Jan! Come back!
Lorne Michaels: Chris, I can’t allow this.
Christopher: Why not, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Because, Chris, these people are not professionaldancers; someone could get hurt.
Christopher: Would you dance with me?
Lorne Michaels: No, no, no..
[ Christopher grabs Lorne and dances through the halls with him ]
Christopher and Lorne: [ singing ] “Soon, we’ll be without the moon, Humming a different tune and then..”
Melanie, Julia, Ellen and Jan: [ singing ] “There may be teardrops to shed, So while there’s moonlight, and music, And love and romance, Let’s face the music and dance, dance!”
[ Christopher returns to stage and finishes the song with them ]
Delivery Boy: Package for Mrs. Collier. [ hands her package ]
Mrs. Collier: [ reading box ] “Happy Birthday, from Larry.” Mybirthday was three weeks ago. Well, that’s my brother.
Delivery Boy: Ma’am, I think you might want to check the shippingdate on that.
Mrs. Collier: [ checks ] October 3rd? He did mail it on time!
Delivery Boy: That’s right. It’s not your brother’s fault, ma’am. It’s ours.
Mrs. Collier: [ appalled ] That is unacceptable! He went through alot of trouble, and you guys just sat on the package for a month!
Delivery Boy: You’re absolutely right, Ma’am. It isunacceptable. [ hangs his head in faux shame ]
Mrs. Collier: [ sighs disgustedly, slams the door ]
[ Delivery Boy faces the camera ]
Delivery Boy: At Jiffy Express, we know how important it is to beon time. And we also know that sometimes you just can’t make it. That’swhen you call Jiffy. We’ll take the package – and the blame.
[ cut to a secretary handing the Delivery Boy a package ]
Secretary: This was due in Cleveland last month. I could be fired.Can you help me?
Delivery Boy: No problem, Ma’am. You can count on us. [ grabs thepackage and walks off to begin his mission ]
Voiceover: When it has to be there overnight, call the other guys.When it had to be there three weeks ago, call Jiffy. First, we’ll backdatethe receipt. Then our technicians will age the package, according to yourspecifications. We can stain it, soil it, recreate delivery mishap andtrauma.. even simulate international misrouting.
[ cut to Delivery Boy explaining the tardiness to an Upset Recipient ]
Delivery Boy: And after it got to Hong Kong, well.. we just lost trackof it. Luckily, it turned up in our warehouse.
Upset Recipient: [ grabbing package ] You guys are pathetic!People get fired over this kind of thing! [ slams his door ]
Delivery Boy: [ to the camera ] I know.
Voiceover: Jiffy Express. When you’ve got no one else to blame -call us.
Jack Handey V/O: If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The nightair is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.
[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, before it opens and a womanruns out screaming ]
The Continental: [ spotting his nighttime visitor ] Don’t mind her.That was merely my sister, running to meet her lover. Every moment spentwithout him is an eternity for her. Please. Come in. [ kisses hisvisitor’s hand and shows her into his apartment ] You know, when you called, my heart sang. Allow me to take your wrap. No? I see. You’ve only cometo reclaim your misplaced glove, then you must go. But don’t you see, I willbe devestated if you don’t join me for at least one glass of fine champagna.Please. Your coat. [ camera shakes no ] I beg you. What kind of hostwould I be if I did not attend to your beautiful coat, my little wildflower.Come on. [ seizes her coat and flings it upon the coat rack ] There, thatwasn’t so bad, now was it? Now, please.. won’t you make yourselfcomfortable on the settee, as I look for this glove.. [ walks across theroom ] which you happen to forget when you fled from my apartment last week. Sit. Please.
[ he sits next to her ] You know.. I think it was no accident.In fact, I believe there are no accidents. [ smokes his cigarette ] Thisglove is an excuse. Admit it. You find me as irresistable as Ifind.. [ camera spins around and quickly zooms towards the door, blockedsuddenly by the Continental’s desperation to have her stay ] Forgive me,my little frightened, wide-eyed doe. I see I’ve upset you. If I move awayfrom the door, will you promise to sit and banter with me, if only for abrief few moments. [ camera shakes yes, so the Continental walks away, but quickly jumps in again when the camera attempts to leave ] You broke yourpromise! So I broke mine. I do not like to play games. I wil find yourglove, and you will go. But first, a glass of fine champagna.
[ he walks over to a table to pour the champagna into two glasses ] Youknow, champagna is not champagna unless it comes from the province ofChampagne. I learned that in Bartending School. [ bring their champagne tothe settee ] Sit, please. [ hands his visitor her glass ] Forgive me if myhungry eyes feast on the banquet of your sumptious decolletage. [ champagne isthrown in his face ] The champagna you have thrown stings my eyes. You are afiery vixen. You have a spirit.. like a frolicksome colt. [ glass is heldbefore him ] Ah! I see you have changed your mind about the champagna. Noone can long resist the lure of those delicate bubbles.. [ reaches for thebottle ] ..each whispering the same message of love. [ the champagne isagain thrown in his face ] Thrown champagne in my face once, shame on you. [ adjusts his soaked fake moustache ] Throw champagna in my face twice, shameon me. Very well. I will find the glove.
[ he puts his glass down and walks over to his bookcase ] If you will holdthe steps for me, my darling.. I will fetch this object of your desire. [ heclimbs the ladder, grabs a box, and looks down upon his visitor’s cleavage ]Oof! The view from here.. is intoxicating.. oh.. like fine champagna. Verywell, I will find this glove. [ pulls a white glove out of his box ] Theglove of a woman. I must confess, I have quite a collection. [ pulls outa red glove ] This I found in a taxi cab. [ pulls out a beige glove ] Thisone belonged to the girlfriend of a roommate. [ pulls out a yellow glove ]This I purchased at a garage sale. [ pulls out another white glove ] Ah,here we are. This, unless I’m dreadfully mistaken, we’ve found your glove?[ camera shakes no ] No? In that case.. [ pulls out another red glove ]..this is the glove you seek. [ camera shakes no ] Then, surely..[ pulls out a third red glove ] ..this is your glove. [ hand reachesfor the glove ] Ah! Eureka! Our quest has ended. [ hands her the glove,then pulls it away before she can grab it ] Ah.. dare I say it, this callsfor a glass of champagna! [ puts his box away and climbs down the ladder ]That is, if you promise not to throw it in my face. No? Very well. Iappreciate your honesty, so I guess there is nothing left but to returnyour glove to you, and then you can go and return yourself.. to Him.[ holds her hand ] You know, your hands say everything about you.. Sofine and delicate. You know, I received a doctorate in the study ofPalmistry, from the University of Budapest. Allow me one brief glimpse..[ examines her hand ] Yes! See here, your lifeline is very long!So is your faith line.. but most intriguing of all.. your love line.[ he bends down and licks her hand, as she slaps him and heads for the door ]But! I haven’t called for your car yet! Must you fly so soon, my littlesongbird? Must you fly so soon? Please! Very well, go.. but allow me onelast moment to drink the intoxicating vision of you. Eyes blazing, your hairflowing, chest heaving.. [ she runs into the hallway ] Wait! Youforgot your coat. [ hands it to her ] Please, allow me to.. [ she slamsthe door behind her and runs ]
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.
[ a detective leans against a lamp post on a dark night in the city ]
Detective: [ singing ] “Temptation lingers in the lamplight, Upon her lips a shadow falls. She loves to flirt, she loves to tease, Beneath her skirt, some new disease. The Boulevard of Broken Balls.
Her lovers lurk in every doorway With prices written on the walls So if you’re rich and have the cash, You’ll get an itch, you’ll get a rash. The Boulevard of Broken Balls.
You hear the whispers in the darkness The laughter echoes and enthralls They’re taking bets you’ll never know, Your gigalette’s a gigolo, The Boulevard of Broken Balls
She leaves a token of your romance, A souvenir that hops and crawls. You bring the crabs home to your wife, She stabs you with a butcher knife. The Boulevard of Broken Balls.”
Air Date:
10,000 Maniacs, “These Are Days”.
