Pat: So, this is the apartment. Your share of the rent would be 250 dollars a month, so what do you think?
Guy: Well, space is great and I’ve always loved this building. But let’s say I move in. I like to sometimes walk around the house in my underwear. Now, would that bother you? Or…
Pat: No, I like to do the same thing!
Guy: You know what? 250 is a little steep. I’m scared I might see you naked, I’m just gonna keep lookin’. Thanks a bunch.
[ he runs out ]
Pat: Hey. Wait a minute.
[ Hedra enters ]
Hedra: Hi, I’m Hedra. Are you Pat?
[ title slide appears ]
Hedra: Wow! This place is really great. [ sees photo frame ] Who’s this?
Pat: Oh, that’s Chris. We broke up, that’s why I need a new roommate.
Hedra: Oh, that’s too bad. I’d really love to live here.
Pat: Well. When can you move in?
Hedra: Really? I can live here? With you?
Pat: Well, sure!
Hedra: You’re the greatest! I mean really. Just look at you! You have this great personality…
Pat: Oh c’mon!
Hedra: This great sense of style. You’re mysterious, and enigmatic, and that draws people to you!
Pat: Really?
Hedra: All my life, I’ve been so transparent. Little mousy Hedra. Shy and sweet with dangerous emotional problems. But you, you’re so wonderfully complicated.
Pat: Oh, well you’re not so bad yourself.
Hedra: Who are you kidding? Just look at you. We are in completely different leagues!
[ dissolve to Two Weeks Later ]
Graham: So Pat, how’s the new roomie working out?
Pat: Graham. I’m not so sure, Hedra’s a little odd. Yesterday I was missing a pair of tube socks, and I found them in her room!
Graham: Tube socks? Pat, listen to me, I have to tell you something, and it’s not just because I’m your best friend, I’m gay, and I live upstairs. But, this Hedra woman, is crazy. I mean something is very wrong with her. She’s obsessed with you.
Pat: Oh, this is madness!
Graham: Well you can’t see it, because you’re too close to it.
Pat: But why would she be obsessed with me?
Graham: Well maybe she’s in love with you. Maybe she’s gay… or straight… or or bi… I don’t know, all three.
[ Hedra enters, dressed like Pat ]
Hedra: Pat? Are you home? I have a surprise for you.
Pat: You’ve got to be kidding!
Hedra: I didn’t think you’d mind. I really love my new look.
Pat: Your look? That’s my look!
Graham: Just look at the two of you. You look like broth… sis… twins. Well, I should be going, Pat. I’ll see you. [ whispering ] She’s obsessed, obsessed.
Pat: Hedra, there’s something I need to tell you. You might have to find a new place to live. Chris is coming over tonight and we’re thinking about patching things up.
Hedra: Oh, Chris, yeah. Chris called, and said you should meet across town at Joel Grey, Joel Grey’s Stakehouse.
Pat: Our place! I’d better hustle.
[ Pat rushes out ]
Hedra: Goodbye, Pat!
[ a knock at the door ]
Chris: Pat, it’s Chris.
Hedra: One second, my darling! [ she turns off the lights and hops on the settee ] Come in!
Chris: Where? Where are you?
Hedra: Over here!
Chris: Do you have a cold?
Hedra: Yeah. Come here and let me give it to you!
Chris: In the dark, you look like k.d. Lang. [ Hedra pounces Chris ] Wait a minute, wait you’re squeezing them! You’re not Pat!
[ Chris jumps up and turns on the lights ]
Chris: Hedra!
[ Hedra knocks Chris to the ground, as Pat rushes in ]
Pat: Oh my God! Hedra, what have you done? You’ve hit Chris with one of my brown penny loafers from Fava!
Hedra: You… bitch. I mean, you son of a bitch! I mean… you creep!
[ Graham rushes in ]
Graham: Oh my God! Get her Blossom!
[ Graham’s cat attacks Hedra ]
Pat: Oh, thank you, Graham.
Graham: What are gay upstairs neighbors for?
Pat: Chris! Chris, you’re still alive!
Chris: Pat? Is it you?
Pat: Yes.
[ they make out ]
Graham: Well, I know when I’m not needed.
Jingle: “It’s time for androgyny That’s just Pat!”
Barry Green…..Phil Hartman Woman…..Julia Sweeney Defending Lawyer…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on interior, Barry Green’s law office ]
Barry Green: Have you been in an accident? Have you witnessed an accident? Have you suffered psychological damage from hearing someone describe an accident he saw? Hello, I’m Barry Green, of the law firm of Green & Fazio, here with another Litigation Myth. Myth #4: You cannot file for an accident in which you were not involved. False. We at Green & Fazio realize that when an accident occurs, it’s not just those involved who suffer. That’s why we’ve pioneered in whole new areas of accident litigation, including Bystander Trauma, Phantom Whiplash, and Near-Collision Stress Disorder. Why not come in for a free consultation and let us help you collect the money you didn’t even realize you were entitled to?
[ cut to a Woman on the street ]
Woman: I’d love to sue somebody, but don’t I need a reason?
[ cut back to Barry Green’s law office ]
Barry Green: Myth #8: In order to be successful, a lawsuit must have merit. False.
At the law firm of Green & Fazio, we know that some of the most lucrative lawsuits are nuisance suits. you see, today’s large corporations and wealthy individuals would rather settle out-of-court than deal with the headaches, the harassment, of endless emotionally draining litigation. And no one harasses defendents like Green & Fazio.
[ cut to a defending lawyer talking with Green & Fazio on his cellphone ]
Defending Lawyer: Look, Green, stop harassing me! Alright, what’ll it cost to make you go away? I’d rather settle than sit in court with a lying piece of human garbage like you!
[ cut back to Barry Green’s law office ]
Barry Green: Green & Fazio. In the fight for justice, we’re on your side.
Announcer: Dial 1-500-HARASSS. The extra S is for extra harassment.
Jane Pauley…..Julia Sweeney Bernard Shaw…..Tim Meadows Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman President George Bush…..Dana Carvey Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey (on tape)
Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” will not be seen tonight, sothat we may bring you this NBC News Special: “Debate ’92: The Challenge toAvoid Saying Something Stupid”. And now, here is your moderator, Jane Pauley.
Jane Pauley: Good evening. I’m Jane Pauley, and welcome to St. Louisfor the first in our series of three presidential debates. Tonight’s debateamong President George Bush, Arkansas governor Bill Clinton, and diminutiveTexas billionaire Ross Perot will begin in just a moment. But first, let meintroduce my fellow panelists, CNN anchor Bernard Shaw and ABC News politicalcorrespondent Sam Donaldson. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Gentlemen. [ thethree candidates enter the arena and stand behind their respective podiums ]The first question will be asked by Sam Donaldson.
Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, let’s be frank. You’re running forpresident, yet your only experience has been as the governor of a small,backward state with a population of drunken hillbillies riding around inpickup trucks. The main streets of your capital city, Little Rock, aresomething out of L’il Abner, with buxom underage girls in their cutoff denimsprancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking,shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminantly at runaway hogs.
Bill Clinton: I’m sorry, Sam, do you have a question?
Sam Donaldson: My question is: How can you stand it? Don’t you loseyour mind living down there?
Bill Clinton: Sam, you must have watched too many of my opponent’sTV spots. I’m tired of the Bush campaign trying to portray my home state assome sort of primitive Third World country. The fact is, Arkansas didhave a long way to go, but we’ve made progress. When I started as governor,we were fiftieth in adult literacy, and last year, I’m proud to say, we shotahead of Mississippi. We’re #49, and we’re closing fast on Alabama. Watchout, Alabama – we got your number!
George Bush: Can I say something here? Two years ago, I went on afishing trip in Arkansas with Baker, Fitzwater, Quayle, myself. We werechased and assaulted by a couple of inbred mountain people. I was sworn tosecrecy as to those events, but suffice it to say, they felt that Dan Quayle -and I quote – “sure had a purty mouth.” Now, if that’s the kind of progressBill Clinton brought to Arkansas.. I don’t think we need it in the WhiteHouse!
Bill Clinton: That’s not fair. Just this year we passed Mississippito become 41st in the prevention of rickets.
Ross Perot: Can I jump in here? Why are we talking about Arkansas? Hell,everybody knows that all they got down there is a bunch of ignorant inbredcrackerheads! Peckerwoods, catch me? now, can we talk about the deficit?While we’ve been jabbering, our deficit has increased by half a milliondollars. That’s enough to buy a still and a new outhouse for every familyin Little Rock!
Bill Clinton: Will you shut up!
Ross Perot: Hold it there, cracker boy, I’m not finished!
George Bush: See that right there? Kind of makes you wonder whetherthese men have the temperament to be president. Would you tell Prime MinisterMajor to shut up? Would you call Boris Yeltsin a “Crackerhead”? Who wouldn’tyou tell to shut up? Because you see, this election is about who can take theheat, who you want there when that secured phone in the White House rings at3 AM. Do you want someone who will answer the phone politely: “Hello, thisis the President. Speak slowly and clearly and tell me what the problem is.”Or do you want someone who’s cranky, who says, “This better be important,” or”Do you realize what time it is?” or simply says, “Shut up!” hangs up thephone and sleeps like a baby while the world burns!
Jane Pauley: Thank you, gentlemen. Now, Bernard Shaw has a questionfor Governor Clinton.
Bernard Shaw: Yes, Governor Clinton. If Kitty Dukakis were raped andmurdered, would you favor the death penalty for her assailant?
Jane Pauley: Mr. Shaw, really. You don’t have to answer that,Governor Clinton.
Bill Clinton: No, no, I’m happy to answer that. Obviously, none of uswant to see Kitty Dukakis raped and murdered, but if she had to bemurdered I would hope it would be in Arkansas – because no state is tougheron crime. Last year we passed Florida to become #2 in executions by lethalinjection, and first in crushed by heavy stones.
Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot? Rebuttal.
Ross Perot: I was hoping we’d get into the issues, but if this is theway the game is played – fine. So, if somebody were to lay a finger on KittyDukakis, I wouldn’t kill him right away. That’d be too easy. I’d wait fora hot Texas day, see? Tie him to a stake, get an ant trail going. You know,Texas red ants, inch long! Just love to bite into human flesh, catch whatI’m saying here? See, they’re eating him alive, nice and slow like. And I’dsit with him in the shade under an umbrella, maybe with a lemonade, sit backand say to the fella, “How do you like them apples?” And he’ll be screaming,”When am I gonna die?” and I’d say, “I don’t know exactly, and frankly, Iresent your question.” Catch my drift?
Jane Pauley: THank you. Now, let’s turn to the deficit. PresidentBush, during your term, the deficit has grown by over a trillion dollars.
George Bush: I know.
Jane Pauley: Honestly now, don’t you feel some kind of tax hike willbe needed to reduce the deficit?
George Bush: Jane, the answer is no! I will never raise taxesagain! Never, ever, ever, ever.. never, ever again! And I mean never, ever,ever, ever, never ever..!!
Jane Pauley: Thank you, Mr. Presi..
George Bush: Never, ever, ever!
Jane Pauley: Mr. President, please..
George Bush: Ever, ever again!
Jane Pauley: Sam Donaldson, with a question for Governor Clinton.
Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, this week the big story has been your1969 trip to Moscow, and your involvement in antiwar activities. Some haveven suggested that while in Moscow, you had meetings with KGB agents. Isn’tit fair to say that you haven’t really told the American people the fullstory?
Bill Clinton: Sam, this kind of attack shows how desperate the Bushcampaign has become. Yes, I did go to Moscow by train in 1969. And whileon the train, I struck up a conversation with a man in the seat next to me.He gave me a package to take to Moscow and instructed me to leave it foldedin a newspaper in a kiosk across from Lenin’s tomb. I’ve explained thismany times. Yes, the KGB did subsequently pay my way through law school,but that was the last contact I had with the KGB until years later whenHillary and I were having problems, and it was a KGB agent, Nikolai Kuznetsov,who let me stay at his place for a while until we patched things up.
Sam Donaldson: But isn’t it true that during one of the peacedemonstrations you burned an American flag in Red Square?
Bill Clinton: I tried to burn an American flag once. I didn’tlike it. It gave off toxic fumes, so I didn’t inhale.
Ross Perot: Can I say something here?
Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot.
Ross Perot: I think that’s just sad.
Jane Pauley: President Bush?
George Bush: Once again, it all comes down to trust. Who’s been there?I’ve been with Mitterand, I’ve met with Major, I know the White House.I know the door outto the Rose Garden doesn’t lock unless you pull it.I know the toilet in the Lincoln Bedroom will run all night unless you jigglethat handle. It’s not enough to flush it, you’ve got to jiggle it!I know Air Force One. I know that seat 8G does not fuly recline. If we areflying the Prime Minister of Canada to a trade conference, I alonecan say, “Mr. Mulroney, seat 8G does not fully recline, I suggest you useanother!”
Jane Pauley: All right, Mr. Bush, our time is up. Each candidatewill be allowed a brief closing statement. Governor Clinton?
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Jane. We’ve talked about many issues tonight.But this election is really about one thing – change. Over the last twelveyears, more and more Americans have found themselves working longer andharder for less and less. [ President Bush glances at Clinton and sees thevision of a hippy standing behind the podium ] We need to invest in ourpeople again. Because together, all of us, pulling as a team, we can do it!Thank you.
Jane Pauley: President Bush?
George Bush: My fellow Americans, this election is about leadershipand trust. Now, our opponents have tried to portray us as the party of therich and privileged, ignoring the fact that our economic program has createdmore opportunity for more Americans than in any twelve-year period in history. [ Clinton glances at President Bush and sees the vision of an old lady standingbehind the podium ] Well, let me tell you something: I’m not worth $3.3billion, and I wasn’t educated at Oxford. But I know how to lead thiscountry to victory in the Persian Gulf, and I can do it again here at home!
Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot?
Ross Perot: This whole thing fascinates me, really. See, you don’thave to be a Ph.D. at Harvard to know that our kids are going to inherit a$4 trillion deficit, and that’s just a crime. [ Clinton and President Bushglance at Perot and see the vision of a munchkin from “The Wizard of Oz” ]Now, if I’m president, we start cleaning up this mess on Day One. It’s gonnatake some sacrifice, no doubt about it. But I know the American people areready to sacrifice as long as it’s fair. This is your country, let’s take itback.
Jane Pauley: Thank you, Mr. Perot, don’t you have one last thing to say?
Ross Perot: No, I can’t. I’m on tape. [ looks at Bush ] Why don’t you do it, live-boy?
George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Andy Perotta…..Joe Pesci Joey Tarentina…..Adam Sandler Glenn Macera…..Dana Carvey Kevin Stubbs…..Chris Rock Stacy Tererri…..Julia Sweeney
Announcer: From Bensonhurst, Brooklyn — it’s the Bensonhurst Dating Game. And now, here’s your host — Andy Perotta.
Andy Perotta: Okay, how you doin’ over dere? Welcome to da show over here! Okay, we got one hot bachelorette backstage! But first, let’s meet the tree guys she’s gonna choose from over here. Okay, number one: Joey Tarentina. How you doin’ Joey, ready to play?
Joey Tarentina: You know it, Andy!
Andy Perotta: Hey, how’s your mother, she feelin’ better?
Joey Tarentina: Yeah.
Andy Perotta: All right, that’s good. Okay, bachelor number 2: Glen Macera. Hey, Glenny, you gonna walk home with this broad or what?
Glen Macera: That’s my plan, Andy.
Andy Perotta: Yeah. I know your plans! Okay, bachelor number 3: Kevin Stubbs.
Kevin Stubbs: What’s up?
Andy Perotta: Nothin’. Okay! We met our bachelors. Let’s bring out the main course. She’s a travel agent by day, and a terrific dancer by night. Say “hello” to Stacy Tererri.
Stacy Tererri: Hi, Andy.
Andy Perotta: Hey, Stacy, how’s your dad?
Stacy Tererri: Better.
Andy Perotta: Say hello for me. Okay, Stacy, you ready wit’ your questions over there?
Stacy Tererri: Yeah! Okay. Bachelor number 1, if I were ice cream, what flavor would I be, and what would you do to me?
Joey Tarentina: You would be like a lemon sherbet, you know? You’d be a little chilly at first, but then after some time you’re gonna melt in my mouth, and it tastes so good.
Glen Macera: Yeah!
Andy Perotta: He is the man! Okay, next up.
Stacy Tererri: Okay, number 2, same question.
Glen Macera: Hey, well, all I know is what flavor I’d be, and that’d be a banana, if you catch my drift.
Andy Perotta: Holy jeez, we got a battle here!
Stacy Tererri: Okay! All right, number 3, how ’bout you?
Kevin Stubbs: You’d be red raspberry and I’d lick you up and down and, I’d just eat every ounce of you.
Andy Perotta: Excuse me. What’d you just say?
Kevin Stubbs: I said what they said. She’d be red raspberry. I’d eat every ounce of her…
Andy Perotta: I’m askin’ you, what did you just say you would do to her?
Kevin Stubbs: I said, I’d lick her, like they did.
Andy Perotta: I heard what you said. I’m sayin’, next time you better be a little smarter.
Kevin Stubbs: But I said what they…
Andy Perotta: Hey, use your head. Okay, Stacy, ask some more questions, honey.
Stacy Tererri: Ok, number 2, I’m a romantic at heart. What would you do to show me the perfect romantic evening?
Glen Macera: Well, I’d take ya to Helio’s. Sure, my friend there works the door. We’d get a good table, have some cannoli…
Stacy Tererri: I love their cannoli.
Glen Macera: Oh, you do, honey? ‘Cause I wouldn’t be afraid to eat it right off of you!
Andy Perotta: Zing!
Stacy Tererri: Yeah, number 3?
Kevin Stubbs: You know, italian food would be a nice prelude before we go home and do the nasty!
Andy Perotta: Holy jeez.
Stacy Tererri: Okay. Number 3, I wanna know, if we were…
Andy Perotta: Whoa, whoa, hold up, I got a question for him. How’s he gonna taste that italian food if he got no tongue?
Stacy Tererri: Oh, Andy, it’s okay.
Andy Perotta: Swear to God, don’t test me today. Hear me, tree?
Joey Tarentina: Andy, can I bust his head in or what?
Andy Perotta: Hey, let me handle that. You just worry about answerin’ the questions.
Stacy Tererri: Okay, number 2. You’re a doctor, I’m your patient. What instruments would you use to treat me?
Glen Macera: I can’t answer that right now. I just gotta say, I got a sister, and it’s gettin’ me sick thinkin’ about this over here.
Stacy Tererri: Okay, number one?
Joey Tarentina: Andy, I swear to God I’m goin’ outta my mind here! Just let me kick his ass!
Stacy Tererri: And, number 3?
Kevin Stubbs: You don’t have to go to me. You can go to another doctor.
Andy Perotta: So now she’s not good enough for ya, stinkin’ low life, is that it?
Kevin Stubbs: But, I’m just…
Joey Tarentina: Andy, say the word, and I’ll whack his head wit’ a broomstick!
Glen Macera: No, Andy, let it be me. I got an aluminum in the car!
Andy Perotta: Shut up, shut up! Okay, okay, no more questions. Make up your mind. Who will it be? Bachelor number 1, bachelor number 2… 1 or 2, come on, pick! Hurry up, let’s go!
Stacy Tererri: Look, I’m pickin’ 3. I wanna know what the big mystery’s about.
Andy Perotta: Stacy, you’re gonna kill your mother and father here.
Stacy Tererri: I’ll do what I want.
Kevin Stubbs: Look, we don’t have to do this.
Joey Tarentina: Stacy, what are you tryin’ to prove?
Stacy Tererri: We’re goin’ out! Look, I’ve been with you two, so what do we win?
Glen Macera: Stacy!
Andy Perotta: No, no, no, no, no, it’s okay. Let’em go out. Okay, congratulations. There, you win dinner for two at Ranalli’s. that’s Ranalli’s, 13th street and Rutland Road. They’re gonna be there Thursday night at 8 p.m. at the Southwest entrance. That’s where they’re gonna be. It’s gonna be fun night, fun.
Kevin Stubbs: Look, I gotta get goin’.
Andy Perotta: Thursday night, you better be there! Blow a kiss, everybody. Goodnight!
Gangleader: Tommy, lock the door. Frank, pull the shades down. Hey..did you ditch the car?
Frank: Yeah, the cops’ll never find it.
Gangleader: Great. Let’s get rid of these clothes, then get to theairport.
Tommy: You think anyone at the bank will finger us?
Gangleader: I don’t think so. Let’s see if there’s anything on the news.
[ the three crooks sit down on the sofa and turn on the TV ]
Chuck Dobson: [ on TV ] Daring daytime robbery at a midtown bank. This,and other stories coming up next, on the 6 o’clock news.
Announcer: Newswatch 5. With anchorpersons Chuch Dobson. And LeslieWilson-Carr. [ the crooks wait patiently for the actual news to start ]With Bob Brock on Sports. Weatherman Chris Carlisle. [ the crooks growrestless ] Movie Critic Les Lindsay. And a health report from Dr. TimothySandley. Newswatch 5. Serving the entire New York metropolitan area.
Tommy: Okay, here we go.
Announcer: The finest news coverage available. And now, here areanchorpersons Chuck Dobson and Leslie Wilson-Carr.
Gangleader: Okay, shh..
Chuck Dobson: Good evening. We’ve got several big stories for youtonight. But, in my mind, the biggest story is the one youhave to tell us, Leslie!
Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ giggling ] What do you mean, Chuck?
Chuck Dobson: Well, a little bird told me there’s going to be a newaddition to the Newswatch 5 crew.
Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ laughing ] Well, I didn’t know you were going tobring this up.. but it’s true. Mark and I are expecting in June.
Chuck Dobson: Can you teach him to do the weather? I believe Fritzcould use a vacation. [ laughs heartily with Leslie ] We’ll be right back.
Announcer: Darling daytime robbery. This and other stories whenNewswatch 5 returns.
[ Newswatch 5 cuts to a dog food commercial ]
Jingle: I’m a Hungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog! I’m aHungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog!
Hungry Puppy Spokesman: If your puppy’s hungry, better get Hungry Puppy.
Jingle: I’m a Happy Puppy Dog. He’s a Happy Puppy Dog! Rah rah rah..it’s good!
[ the crooks become agitated, as the next commercial begins ]
Forula K Spokesman: Are you suffering from.. diarrhea? Well, why nottry the diarrhea medicine that most doctors recommend? Formula K stopsdiarrhea in its tracks..
Male Anchor: ..Well, that’s pretty much all there is to say about thisdaring midtown bank robbery. Back to you, Joyce.
Female Anchor: Thank you, David, for that exhaustive report.And News 7 returns, after this.
[ News 7 cuts to a dog food commercial ]
Jingle: I’m a Hungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog! I’m aHungry Puppy Dog. He’s a Hungry Puppy Dog!
[ annoyed ] I knew something like this was gonna happen!
Tommy: Yeah, but they really don’t do that good a job on that channel..
Gangleader: Shut up! Go back to the first channel!
[ the channel is changed back to Newswatch 5 ]
Chuck Dobson: And now a report on that midtown robbery. Wait a minute..This just handed to me. Frank L. MacNeer, the actor who played the beloveddogcatcher on “The Andy Griffith Show” has died at the age of 78. [ the crooksroll their eyes at their bad luck ] MacNeer passed away in his sleep at hishome in Glandale, California.
[ cut to video clip from “The Andy Griffith Show” ]
Dogcatcher: Andy! Andy! I’m gonna catch me that dog. Yes, sir!I’m.. gonna.. catch.. me.. that.. dog..
Gangleader: [ angrily turns the TV off ] Forget this! Let’s justsplit the money!
Frank: Aw, come on, they were almost getting to it!
Tommy: Yeah, come on, turn the TV back on!
Gangleader: They’re never gonna get to it.
Tommy: Aw, come on. If it gets to a commercial, we’ll just turn downthe volume and go over our getaway plan. We won’t even pay attention!
Gangleader: I don’t know..
Tommy: Aw, come on. Please, boss?
Frank: Yeah, we’re real curious..
Gangleader: Alright, alright.. but I don’t like it.
[ Gangleader flips the TV back on to the end of a cat food commercial ]
Chuck Dobson: We are back. Three men are still at large, after adarling midtown robbery today in midtown Manhatten.
Gangleader: Shh.. This is it!
Chuck Dobson: Police surveillance report that the three men, originallybelieved to have fled the area, are now holed up in a Bronx apartment.Incredibly, they’ve been watching television for the last half-hour.
[ a siren is heard and police lights flash outside the apartment ]
Police Bullhorn: Come out with your hands up!
[ the crooks get up ]
Gangleader: Aw, that’s just great, guys!
Tommy: Hey, hey, hey, I wanted Channel 6!
Frank: You did not!
Gangleader: Shut up, willya? We just gotta get out of here..
[ the TV pipes up again ]
Chuck Dobson: Police say there is no means of escape – except fora hidden ventilator shaft.
[ the crooks approach the TV ]
Gangleader: Shh.. listen!
Chuck Dobson: More on that ventilator shaft after these messages.
[ the crooks are aggravated. Suddenly, the police crash through the door ]
Police: Freeze! Police! You’re under arrest!
[ the crooks hopelessly surrender, Tommy kicks the TV in ]
[ open on two bullies sitting on a stoop as people pass on the sidewalk ]
Bully #1: Hey pal, can you toss my ball back? [ a man tosses the ball back ] Nice toss. Oh, a ten-year-old girl called, she wants her way of throwing back!
Bully #2: Yeah, and by the way — the inside of a closet just called, it wants you back!
Bully #1: Oh, and Richard Simmons just called, he wants his wrist back.
Bully #2: Yeah and sir, a sexuality wrestling match called, it wanted you, its arena, back.
Man: Listen, you little punk! One more peep outta you and I’ll hit you so hard it’ll change your last name! Got it?! Got it?!! I wanna hear, “Yes, Sir”!
Bully #2: Yes sir. [ the man walks away ] My dog after he drinks outta the toilet called, he wants his breath back!
[ a pretty girl walks past ]
Bully #1: Aye, how you doin’? So what’s your name?
Tiara: Tiara.
Bully #1: Tiara? Yeah? Well a Times Square hooker just called, she wants her name back.
Bully #2: Yeah and by the way, a rock group called, they wanted what they usually kick outta their hotel room at 5 in the mornin’ back.
Tiara: Grow up, losers. [ she walks away ]
Bully #1: Oh, good one. A retarded 5th grader just called, she wanted her witty retort back.
[ a long-haired dude walks past ]
Bully #1: Excuse me, 1975 called, it wanted its hairstyle back.
[ two guys walk past ]
Bully #2: Hey, guys. Siegfried and Roy just called, they want their relationship back.
[ Woman walks past ]
Bully #1: Oh, Ma’am. A girl in a convertible Rabbit with a vanity plate that says, “cutie” but should say “stuck up bitch” called. She wanted you, her mirror image, back.
[ a fat guy walks past ]
Bully #1: Hey! The Vanity Fair cover with Demi Mirror, Moore called. It wanted her stomach back!
Bully #2: Oh, I nearly forgot. A carnival worker who does nothing but clean up elephant crap all day called. He wanted his reason for living back.
Fat Guy: [ outraged ] Hey, man, I got problems! BIG problems!! The last thing I need is two pukes like you on my case!! I’m tellin’ you, man, DON’T get on my bad side, cause I’m a real rain! [ he storms off ]
Bully #2: By the way, a laboratory chimp locked up in a closet for the last 6 months called, he wanted his body stench back.
[ man walks past ]
Bully #1: Hey, excuse me. A tub a crap just called, it wants its evil twin back!
Bully #2: [ as tow more bullies walk up ] Hey guys-at-large.
Bully #3: Oh, hey, there you are. I had a message for you. What was it? Don’t tell me. Herve Villechaize just called, and he wants his chances of ever getting laid now that he’s not on TV back.
Bully #4: Oh yeah, guys, Kenny Rogers’ t-shirt called and wants its pit stains back when you get a chance.
Bully #1: Oh yeah? Well… a guy called and he was want, he wanted…
Bully #3: Right.
Bully #4: Okay, well those were most of the messages. Whatever. [ they leave ]
Bully #1: Yeah. You two take it easy.
Bully #2: Man, those were good. Those guys are out of our league.
[ a pigeon struts past ]
Bully #1: Aye, pigeon! Iceberg Slim called, the pimp, he wants his strut back.
Bully #2: Hey, a sewer rat called, he wanted his self esteem back.
Husband: [ eating a cup of yogurt ] Mmm. Honey, this is greatyogurt.
Wife: That’s Not Yogurt.
Husband: Not yogurt? Come on, it sure tastes like yogurt.
Wife: That’s Not Yogurt.
Husband: No. Come on, taste it. Mmm.. Not yogurt?
Wife: No, Honey, look.. [ holds up container ] That’s Not Yogurt.
Husband: [ puzzled ] Hmm.. Then, what is it?
Announcer: I’ll tell you one thing – That’s Not Yogurt!
Husband: Well, if it isn’t yogurt, then what did I just swallow?
Announcer: Wouldn’t you like to know!
Husband: Yeah. I would.
Announcer: Well.. That’s Not Yogurt!
Husband: Look, I understand that. But what is it? Is it, like, somesort of sour cream? Is it, like, buttermilk? Cottage Cheese?
Announcer: That’s Not Yogurt!
Wife: No, seriously.. my husband is allergic to certain kinds offood.. so he really sort of needs to know exactly what it is.
Announcer: Sorry. But all we can tell you is – That’s Not Yogurt!
Husband: Look, I have a right to know what I just ate!
Announcer: It drives people crazy, trying to figure out the secretto the great That’s Not Yogurt taste. It’s smooth, thick, and creamy.. witha perfect mix of sweet and sour, just like real yogurt. Only, That’s NotYogurt!
Husband: Alright, come on.. what is it?
Announcer: Actually.. it is yogurt.
Husband: [ joyful ] Really.
Announcer: No. That’s Not Yogurt! That’s Not Yogurt! You’ll swearyou’re eating yogurt, but you’re not. It’s something else.
Female Voiceover: From the makers of Those Aren’t Olives.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon, and I can’t wait to hear the news because I haven’t read the papers all week.
On Thursday, Ross Perot finally broke his silence and announced he’d run for President. However, in the middle of his announcement, he shocked the nation by revealing his true identity:
Ross Perot: “My name is Adrian Cogiano. I am nine years old, almost ten.”
Kevin Nealon: The fact that he’s only 9 disqualifies Mr. Perot from running, but since he’s an admitted liar, it makes him a more credible candidate.
Although he’s denied being an egomaniac who’s just trying to gain power, several photos have surfaced, indicating that there may be some validity to those accusations. [ show photo of Freddy Krueger ]
Presdent Bush boasted this week that the nation’s employment figure rose by 1/10th of 1%. A study revealed that the employment rise was a result of Ross Perot’s paid volunteers.
President Bush took to the rails last week, campaigning through Ohio and Michigan by train so he could take his message directly to those Americans most affected by his presidency; in particular, the hobos riding in the freight car.
And, in a related story, Neil Bush.
Well, the candidates have finally agreed on the debates, over Clinton’s objections that the dates conflicted with World Series play offs and major football games. Bush agreed, providing the dates don’t conflict with the New England Horseshoe Pitching Finals in Kennenbunkport.
Last week, we at “Weekend Update” erronously reported that visitors to New York were stunned when sprayed by Mace. What we meant to say was that the stunning matiste display is visiting New York. My apology.
A U.S. aircraft carrier accidentally blasted a Turkish destroyer with missile fire yesterday, during an exercise mission in the Aegean Sea. The newly-appointed commander of the carrier, Capt. Joseph Hazelwood, could not be reached for comment.
Yom Kippur, the Jewish holy day of atonement, starts at sundown this Tuesday. For those asking to have their sins forgiven that day, President Bush suggests you blame everything on Congress.
Several renowned doctors questioned the nutritional value of milk this week, and even warned of the possible harm it could cause to children. In the future, the dairy industry said the expiration date on the carton will apply to the person drinking the milk.
A study has found that prolonged exposure to laughing gas could hinder a woman’s ability to become pregnant. Additionally, so could rotting teeth, bad breath and body odor.
On Thursday, Magic Johnson signed a $14 million recording contract. I never even knew the guy could sing. Well, live and learn, I guess!
Mario Cuomo this week.
In a major stunt to boost ratings, Mariel Hemingway shocked viewers this week by briefly appearing nude in a scene on ABC’s “Civil Wars”. ou may recall the uproar caused last season when Hugh Downs pulled the same stunt on “20/20”.
Kevin Nealon: Here’s one of my favorite “Update” features – the Hollywood Minute with David Spade. David?
David Spade: Okay, alright! Thank you, Kevin, and we’re gonna start with a little gossip:
Michelle Pfeiffer and Fisher Stevens finally called it quits. Now every single, male loser in the country thinks he has a shot with her. guess what? It’s not gonna happen. It’s called Reality, look into it.
Michael Bolton: big star, popular musician.. guess what? You’re bald, and we all know it. I don’t care how long you grow your hair in the back, we all know what’s happening on top! I know you sold nine million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one!
Billy Crystal. I got three words about your Jack Palance jokes – Let It Go! You got a year of material off one ad-lib, move on.
Madonna’s got a new sex book coming out, where she’s naked. It sells for $50. Guess what? I already saw you in Penthouse for $5 – good luck!
Marla Maples told the press this week she thinks Donald Trump will marry her. Well, guess what? It’s not gonna happen. It’s called Strung Along!
Hey, Soon-Yi. This little troublemaker. Next thing you know, she’ll be breaking up the Clarinet Band. I smell a Yoko!
Hey, I wanted to see “Wind” this weekend, but guess what? It blew away!
[ show Erik Estrada ] Hi. I need work.
Hi, I’m Leather Face, have we met? It’s called sunscreen, look into it.
Hi, I burn bridges.
Madonna, Billy Ray Cyrus, Kevin Costner. All the people who will still have a career next year, take one step forward. Not so fast, Billy Ray!
That’s the Hollywood Minute! Back to you, Kevin!
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, David!
And who could forget, historically, today’s date is the first anniversary of October 3rd, 1991.
Gregory Kinglsey, the twelve-year old boy who divorced his natural parents last week, has inspired Eddie Munster to bring a divorce suit against his parents, Herman & Lily Munster, who, Eddie says, dressed him like a freak, fed him spiders, and locked him in a coffin at night. If he wins, he said he’ll change his name to Sean and be adopted by his own natural parents, Gomez & Morticia Adams.
After a long career slump, Jackson Browne finally had a hit last week.
A government panel revealed this week that troops in co-ed units had sex during the Persian Gulf War. Half the troops said it hurt their moral; the other half said it kept morale up for short periods of time.
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.
Air Date:
Arrested Development, “Tennessee”
Spin Doctors, “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”
