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SNL Transcripts: Tim Robbins: 10/03/92: Sunday Morning Videos

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 18: Episode 2

Sunday Morning Videos

Jeffrey Wu…..Rob Schneider
Reverend Owen E. Veneble…..Tim Robbins

[ Theme music plays over the title card. ]

Jeffrey: Welcome back to Sunday Morning Videos. I’m Jeffrey Wu. And with me is the Reverend Owen E. Veneble, who has a syndicated religious radio program, and is active in the teen faith movement. Owen, you’ve been talking to the kids out there … what’s on their minds?

Reverend Owen: [ Southern accent, big smile on face, glances at camera throughout ] Well I’ll tell ya. All the kids are talkin’ about power. “Gotta get a powerful job, gotta be in a gang, be a powerful guy in the neighborhood, gotta buy me a powerful car.” That’s not power. You wanna know what real power is? Real power is being able to talk to the Lord every day.

Jeffrey: That is so true.

Reverend Owen: I mean, that’s a powerful position, havin’ a pipeline with the Lord. No king in his great big powerful castle’s gonna have that kinda power.

Jeffrey: He’s not gonna come anywhere near it. No, sir.

Reverend Owen: You know what else they like to talk about? Gettin’ high. “I’m gonna take this great new drug and get high. I’m gonna fly high as a kite.” Well I’ll tell ya about a real high: that’s the high you get with a spiritual communion with the Lord.

Jeffrey: Absolutely.

Reverend Owen: That’s a long lasting high, friend. That is heaven-high! No hangover, no withdrawal, no cold turkey!

Jeffrey: I read you loud and clear.

Reverend Owen: I’ll tell you somethin’ else the kids are talkin’ ’bout more and more, and it’s makin’ me kinda sick: great sex. “Gotta get me some great sex, gotta get me a condom so I can have great sex. Gotta read me some pornography ’bout how to have great sex. Gotta find a prostitute who’s gonna give me great sex!” Well I’ll tell you some’m, that’s not how you get great sex, no sir.

Jeffrey: Certainly not.

Reverend Owen: No sir, if you want truly great sex, you gotta get yourself a gymnast, or an aerobics instructor! That’s right, you gotta get a girl who works out regular, reeeal tight muscles, lean and strong and flexible! Ho yeah, you’re not gonna get any kinda real good sex with some ol’ fat prostitute standin’ on the corner!

[ applause, laughter ]

Jeffrey: Let’s talk about drugs some more. So many kids these days are looking for an escape, when the Bible tells you how to really get high.

Reverend Owen: I think I covered that, son. Anyway, you know where else you get great sex? Ballet dancers, man! They can bend, and spin, dance around yer’ body …

Jeffrey: I think I hear what you’re saying, but isn’t the best sex really the sex you have with the Lord?

[ The Reverend takes offense, and knocks Jeffrey out of his chair with a punch. Jeffrey picks himself up and sits back down. ]

Reverend Owen: You make me sick, man!

Jeffrey: I think you misunderstood me. What I was trying to say was, I think the most satisfying sexual relationships are the ones in which our partner is a vessel, if you will, through which we make love with the Lord. [ The Reverend socks Jeffrey again, and now looks angry. Jeffrey picks himself up and sits back down. ]

Jeffrey: That’s all the time we have. We hope you’ll join us next week on Sunday Morning Videos, featuring the premiere of Tower of Light’s “New Day Rising”.

[ The theme music plays as the lights dim ]

[ SUPER: “A Production Of Trinity Broadcasting Television” ]

Jeffrey: [ to the Reverend ] Now, what I was saying about sex with the Lord …

[ The Reverend knocks Jeffrey down again, gets up and walks towards him as the scene fades to black. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

A Message From Ross Perot

A Message From Ross Perot

Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement.

[ open on Ross Perot seated in an armchair ]

Ross Perot: Well, hi, I’m Ross Perot. And I paid for this television time to address you, the American people. This week, I received the highest honor I ever could imagine, when my volunteers asked me to jump back in and run for President. See, see now, I’m not a wuitter – a quitter woudn’t jump back in the race! And that’s just what I did – you see? You see that? So your premise that I’m a quitter, it’s just bogus to begin with, see? But, alright, I know the way the game is played, so let’s just go with your premise for a minute – that I’m a quitter. Well, if I’m a quitter, why am I back in the race? See? Case closed!

Now, now I want to focus on the issues in the campaign, but it seems these people in the press want to focus on my business practives, or soem fella I might have fired, or my physical appearance – my ears, maybe. I got funny ears – fine! Okay? So, let’s have a debate on my ears, okay, is that what you want? Okay, here’s the deal on my ears – large oversized lobes, filled with wax and covered with thousands of spiky hairs! Are you happy? You happy? You got your lead story? You go do your story on that – I’m gonna talk about real issues.

Now, Myth #665: that I’m short. Let-let’s just run with that premise for a minute. I-I-I find it fascinating that everybody’s going bonkers about my height, when this country’s going down the tubes like crack through a goose! Now, let’s just, let’s just accept your premise that I’m short! Do you call 5″-5′ short? ‘Cause that’s what I am, see? Do you realize that if 68% of the women in this country took a shower with me, they’d be looking up at me. Now, if that’s short, then fine, go write your midget article while I save this country from ruin, okay? Case closed.

Now, this Inspector Perot thing. Now, that’s just sad, see? That’s just sad! I-I-I won’t even dignify it with a comment, see? I find it fascinating that people are interested in my use of private investigators to ensure my people are operating according to the law. Now, what’s wrong with that? Hell, I had myself investigated once! Found out I had a wife and five children. Now, that fascinated me, I never saw myself as the type to settle down!

Now, let-let-let’s just get off- [ cracks up, audience joins in ] Alright, I’ll pause, up to you, Whatever! Now, let’s just get all that personal stuff out the way, okay? ‘Cause I don’t have time, see? Now, those other guys, they don’t want to talk about the deficit. Now, I found that humorous to the point of absurdity, see? The deficit’s like some crazy aunt living down in the basement – everyone knows she’s there, but no one wants to talk about her! Now, if you don’t deal with her, she’s just gonna get ornerier and stinkier, see? I say, take the bitch upstairs, slap her around, and hose her down!

Now, see? See, now, it ain’t gonna be easy, this deficit. It’ll take some sacrifice, we gotta tighten that belt. Now, you may have heard some of my program – 50-cent-a-gallon gas tax to help build our infrastructure – but I know all you good Americans are willing to share the pain if it’s equal and fair.

So, Step 1: a National Curfew, nationwide, lights out, 8:45 pm. Now, you may say, “Ross, what am I gonna do after 8:45?” Well, I suggest you sleep – you’ll be glad you did when you hear that National Wake-Up Siren at 4:45 am. And don’t you worry, folks, you won’t sleep through it; it’ll be loud! Now, this way, you can start your fifteen-hour work day at 5:30 am, be back in bed by lights out. Now, what does this accomplish? First of all, this curfew cuts our energy consumption by 21%, reducing the deficit by $700 billion in the first ninety days alone! Now, simple, easy, cut and dried.

Now, let’s take the issue of waste. You know, I find it fascinating that so much time and money is wasted on so many different kinds of shoes. Now, if every American could wear the same style shoe, we could save over $18 billion the first year alone! Now, you might ask, where does such a show come from? Well, it’s already been designed by the volunteers. [ holds up shoe ] Here it is. This unisex, water-resistant shoe is handsome, stylish, and comes in all three sizes – small, medium and large! Case closed! Now, you ask any honest American – they’d be willing to wear one style of show to save their children from financial ruin; it’s obvious! and, if they didn’t want to, I’d say they need to be investigated. But that’s up to the volunteers – I’m just their servant, see?

Now, that’s all I gotta say right now, and I know this might have been painful for you, but I want to leave y’all with a smile on your face, so, in closing, I’d like to sing a little song my Grandma used to sing to me when I was a kid in Texarkana.

[ stands up, dances, and sings ]

“Mama’s lil’ baby loves shortnin’, shortnin’,
Mama’s lil’ baby loves shortnin’ bread.
Put on the skillet, put on the lid.
Mama’s gonna make a little shortnin’ bread.”

Alright. Now.. thank you. [ laughs maniacally ] That just brings a smile on my face! Set you smiling? Case closed. Everything’s gonna be alright. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

Tim Robbins’ Monologue

Tim Robbins’ Monologue

…..Tim Robbins
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Phil Hartman

Tim Robbins: Thank you! It’s great to be here, uh.. but, in a way, a little surprising. You see, I have this new movie out – “Bob Roberts” – and, um.. thank you. And, in the movie, I express some of my views about the nature of power in America, and how different corporations and the television networks they control distort information for their own purposes. So, it’s kind of ironic to be here working for General Electric. As you know, GE owns NBC. Yes, GE owns quite a few interesting companies- [ stops ] You can put the cue cards awy, Tony, I’m on my own out here, okay?

[ cue card guy slinks away ]

Yes! General Electric is quite an amazing conglomerate. In fact, if you thought General Electric made mainly kitchen appliances and light bulbs, you’d be quite mistaken, you see? General Electric actually makes a great deal of its profits making things like.. [ thinking ] ..triggering devices.. for nuclear warheads. You know the slogan – [ singing ] “G.E. We bring good things to.. death.”

Director’s Voice: Uh, Tim?

Tim Robbins: Yeah, Davey!

Director’s Voice: Would you mind coming backstage? Lorne wants to see you.

Tim Robbins: [ chuckling ] I thought this might happen! [ walks off stage ] Sure, Davey, I’ll come back and talk to Lorne! This is gonna be interesting! [ walks down the hall, past a couple of suits ] Ohhh.. I see the company suits came out for this one – a little nervous, guys? Hey, which division are you from? Germ warfare! [ laughs ]

[ Tim walks past an angry-faced Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Tim.

Tim Robbins: [ stops, turns back ] Oh. Lorne. Yeah. The monologue is going great, don’t you think? They’re not laughing, but they’re thinking.

Lorne Michaels: Tim, uh-uh-uh.. I’m upset.

Tim Robbins: Why? Because I’m attacking G.E.?

Lorne Michaels: Yes.

Tim Robbins: Why? Because.. G.E. pays your check, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Yes. Tim, I don’t know why you didn’t do the monologue we agreed on.

Tim Robbins: What? This? [ pulls script out of his jacket and reads ] “Wow! Second show of the 18th season – let’s hear it!” Uhhhhhhh.. this is crap, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Hey! Some of our best writers worked on that “crap”.

[ Tim throws script to the floor ]

Lorne Michaels: Hey! Don’t throw that away. [ reaches down to retrieve script ] A lot of this can be used next week, for Joe Pesci.

Tim Robbins: Lorne, what’s the point of my doing the show, if I an’t let people know that G.E.’s part of the shadow government? Responsible for everything from Iran-Conta, to the assassination of-

[ screen goes fuzzy, then jumps to NBC logo ]

Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night Live”, usually seen at this time, has been cancelled.

[ cut to dark bedroom, as Lorne Michaels bolts upright in bed ]

Lorne Michaels: Aggghhhh!!

[ Phil Hartman rises from the space next to Lorne, and turns on the light ]

Phil Hartman: Lorne? Are you okay?

Lorne Michaels: I just had the most terrifying nightmare!

Phil Hartman: It’s alright, Lorne. Would you like me to get you some warm milk.

Lorne Michaels: No.. Phil, it’s okay. It’s just that it seemed so real. Who’s the host next Saturday?

Phil Hartman: Tim Robbins. And it’s gonna be great, he’s got that terrific monologue!

Lorne Michaels: Oh, right.

[ dissolve back to Tim Robbins standing at Home Base, smiling ]

Tim Robbins: Thank you! It’s great to be here! Wow! “Saturday Night Live”! Second show of the 18th season! I had a pretty good summer, I have a brand new movie out – “Bob Roberts”! Go see it! Stick around – Sinead O’Conner is here, another big hit! We’ll be right back after this message!

SNL Transcripts

Cooking with Dennis Miller

Cooking with Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller…..Dana Carvey
Nicky…..Phil Hartman
…..David Spade

Announcer: Iiiit’s “Cooking With Dennis Miller”! And now, it’s him!

[ open on Dennis Miller standing behind a faux kitchen set ]

Dennis Miller: Good afternoon. I got a great show. We’re gonna make some nice, uh.. pepper steaklets here. They’re low in fat, they only take twenty minutes; we’re gonna cook up some ratatouille right here. What is that, Picay? It sounds like a Gene Krupa tune, huh?

Nicky: An extended solo for Mr. Krupa!

Dennis Miller: Hey! Picay knows Krupa, huh! It caught me off guard, I’m like Oswald coming out for that prison transfer! Okay, well, what can I tell ya’? You see Bush on the campaign trail the other day, you see what he was eating? I mean, the guy’s 68, he’s woofing down this sausage some vendor’s handing him. I got a grandfather who’s 68, we don’t even let him eat a banana! [ laughs, tosses hair ] Okay, okay, we got a great show.. I’m a.. I’m a little out of it right now. Nicky, should I tell them what just happened, huh?

Nicky: Do what you must – your call!

Dennis Miller: Hey, I gotta unload this! I’m not being duplicious here, but I’m sorry, I’m just getting killed trying to book guests! I mean, the Galloping Gourmet is just playing hardball! I got Julia Child nailed – I mean, she was down for this Friday. But a half-hour ago, I get this call. She can’t do it because the Galloping Gourmet is threatening to ban her if she does my show – hey! I mean, we’re not even in the same time slot in the midwest – the Double G’s pulling my big guns away! What’s that all about, Nick guy?!

Nicky: [ chuckles ] I wish I knew!

Dennis Miller: Yeah, I mean, geez, I’m just trying to have my show here. i’m just trying to help people eat healthy meals that are inexpensive, easy to prepare! Okay. Fine. [ drinks from water bottle ] I gotta keep liquid in me. Still got a great guest, he’s my old buddy from “Saturday Night Live” – David Spade, everybody!

[ David Spade enters the set, as Dennis starts pounding noogies on him ]

Dennis Miller: Loosen up! Loosen up, for Christ’s sake! You’re so tight on me, Spookly Spoodly Doddly! Now, what do you got for me? Are you ready to crush some peppercorns, babe?

David Spade: Yeah.. yeah, I am. And I’m sorry about this Galloping Gourmet thing, that’s wrong.

Dennis Miller: Look, it’s the cooking biz! I’m just not going to socialize with the guy, okay? We used to shop at Farmer’s Market together. I’m telling you, Spooky, it’s cut-throat out there! Now.. the Cooking Cajun, he wouldn’t chill my guests, he’s a class man, okay! Alright. Okay. Look.. we start with two tablespoons of the olive oil, brush the steaks there, Spooky; heat the rest in a frying pan. Give me the red wine there, Spoodly!

David Spade: Hey, you know, uh.. I cook for my dates sometime. My last girlfriend broke up with me, and I said, “Do you think we’ll ever get back together again?” She said, “The chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded in rent-a-car.” So, that’s not good.

[ spattered applause ]

David Spade: You like that one?

Dennis Miller: Spudly? You’re doing your act on me, huh? Geez, I’m trying to get some steaklets going here, you’re going into your Dating Chunk, huh? What’s that all about? I’m getting hit from all sides! Criminy, I’m like Earnie Shavers after the 8th round here.

David Spade: I’m sorry, Denny.. that was uncalled for.

Dennis Miller: Listen, I need a friend today, okay? Just chill out. I got the G-squared guy to deal with.. Tommy Tang’s got a developmental deal at Viacom. I got enough trouble with Vicki Lawrence. Criminy, that’s like Burnett-lite over there. And that Christina chick, she’s bilingual; she’s got the language thing on me, Spooky.

David Spade: Yeah, I know.. [ changing subject ] Well, anyway, I got the garlic clove ready to-

Dennis Miller: I mean, I’m kicking myself for not taking Spanish, but geez! Tommy Tang. You like his food? What’s that all about, huh? Tommy, hey! The wok thing is over, okay? It reeks of ’87! I got a wok in my house – I use it to hold firewood, okay?

David Spade: Hey, listen.. did I tell you I’ll be at the Laugh Factory in Columbus on October 6th, and Zanie’s in Chicago, October 12th – come by!

Dennis Miller: You know, I had Prudhomme on last week, now I got no spatula! Walked out with it, apparently. Like he doesn’t have his own! Where were you, Nicky, huh? You’re my eyes and ears over there.

Announcer: This has been “Cooking with Dennis Miller”! Tomorrow night: Victoria Jackson!

SNL Transcripts

Larry King Live

Larry King Live

Larry King…..Kevin Nealon
Brian Wilson…..Tim Robbins
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: Welcome to “Larry King Live”. Tonight: founder of the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson, tells his personal struggles with personal life and private addictions. Now, here’s Larry King!

[ dissolve to hyper Larry King opening his show ]

Larry King: Good evening! Beach Boy Brian Wilson, recovering alcoholic, manic-depressive, diet pill addict, and now, author of his own autobiography Wouldn’t It Be Nice?, a major bestseller. We’ll include your calls in a bit. The alcohol, diet pills – related to your music upbringing?

Brian Wilson: I think so.. But the diet pill issue was related to my weight gain.

Larry King: [ laughs like a squirrel ] That’s funny!

Brian Wilson: Yeah. I looked more like a beach ball.

Larry King: [ laughs like a squirrel ] That’s a riot! [ changes tone ] And the drugs?

Brian Wilson: They allow me to escape from memories of being abused by my father, which led to manic-depression.

Larry King: Uh-huh. And a manic-depressive is – in a thumbnail, if one could do that.

Brian Wilson: Well, manic-depressives have severe mood swings, either very high or very low. They’re horribly painful.

Larry King: Uh-huh. And depression can be triggered by anything, right?

Brian Wilson: Yeah.. I try to avoid stress..

Larry King: Good idea. Keep the stress to factor to a minimum – WACO, TEXAS!! HELLO!! [ Brian jumps back in panicked fear ] Our guest is Brian Wilson; the book is Wouldn’t It Be Nice?; the publisher, Simon & Schuster; the disease, manic-depression. Hello.

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: Larry! Larry.. Larry.. Larry.. I-I-I just wanted to say, I’ve changed my mind again. I’ve decided to pull out of the race. I think it’s the right thing to do, Larry.

Larry King: Do you have a question for Brian?

Ross Perot: No question, Larry. You see, I-I just wanted to make my announcement on your program. You see? You see?

Larry King: ROSS PEROT!! [ turns to Brian ] Did it rattle you when people learned of your mental illness?

Brian Wilson: Well, I try not to let.. things rattle me any more.. my psychiatrist has me on a.. on a drug called Lithium..

Larry King: Uh-huh. and what does that do?

Brian Wilson: It keeps me calm, more or less!

Larry King: POWELL, ALABAMA!! HELLO!!

[ hang up ]

Larry King: A hang-up. Where did you go for your treatment?

Brian Wilson: [ nervous ] Uh.. I have a, uh.. a live-in psychiatrist in Los Angeles-

Larry King: LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA!! Right?

Brian Wilson: Uh.. right.. I-I.. he suggested I go to a clinic in Miami-

Larry King: MIAMI, FLORIDA!!

Brian Wilson: Yes.. And I was gonna go in Cincinn- anyway.. I’m back on my feet..

Larry King: Helped you slow down and relax.

Brian Wilson: Y-yes.. very soothing support..

Larry King: BOONESVILLE, MISSOURI!! Brian Wilson is the guest; lithium is the drug; manic-depression is the disease; the book, Wouldn’t It Be Nice?; published by Simon & Schuster. Next week: Robert Ludlum. Hello.

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: L-Larry? Larry! Are you there? Here’s the deal.. here’s the deal, see? I’m back in! I just talked to the volunteers, and I’m back in! I’m jumping in with both feet, I’m as serious as a heart attack!

Larry King: Did you have a question for Brian?

Ross Perot: What’s that, Larry?

Larry King: Ross, did you have a question for Brian?

Ross Perot: No, sir! But I’m definitely back in! I’m as ready as a ham sandwich at a church picnic! Now.. uh.. hell, forget it – I’m back out!

Larry King: Alright, thank you, Ross! Alright. BANGOR, MAINE!!

Caller #1: Hi, Larry. I’m a doctor, and, from Brian’s appearance, I was wondering if he was taking any other drugs?

Larry King: How ’bout it, Brian – any other drugs?

Brian Wilson: Well.. I’m also on a sedative called Halcium..

Larry King: Uh-huh. And then?

Brian Wilson: Well, uh.. it keeps me calm.. gives me a.. a sense of balance..

Larry King: LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, TENNESSEE!! Brian Wilson is the guest; balance is the word; lithium, the drug; the book, Wouldn’t It Be Nice?; I’m Larry King at CNN. Hello!

Caller #2: I would like to know what Brian’s plans are for the future?

Brian Wilson: Uh, um.. I’m not gonna look that far ahead.. I’m just taking one day at a time..

Larry King: That’s the way to do it, one day at a time – like that TV show with Valerie Bertinelli. Who will be with us tomorrow. Who was that other girl on the show; she also had an addiction problem. From the Mamas & The Papas, what was her name?

Brian Wilson: Uh.. Mackenzie Phillips..?

Larry King: Right. We go to ROANOKE, VIRGINIA!! Mackenize Phillips is the name; the show, “One Day at a Time”; our guest is Brian Wilson; the word is balance; the drug, lithium; manic-depression, the disease; the book, Wouldn’t It Be Nice. I’m Larry King! Next week, Robert Ludlum; the book, The Born Supremacy. Last call, hello?

Caller #3: Um.. I’m sorry.. I’m a little confused.. Who’s on your show tonight?

Larry King: [ laughs ] Brian Wilson!

Caller #3: Uh.. never mind. When is MacKenzie Phillips gonna be on?

Larry King: How ’bout it, Brian? Mackenzie Phillips, when will she be on?

Brian Wilson: Uh.. I don’t know..

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: Larry! Larry! I got a question for Brian! See, now? Now, how do you write songs – which comes first, the words or the music? Also, I’m back in the race!

Larry King: Tomorrow night, Valerie Bertinelli from “One Day at a Time”; the actress, MacKenize Phillips. From Los Angeles, California, the Mamas & The Papas; lithium, the drug; balance. Next week: Robert Ludlum-

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: Larry! Larry, I’m out! This process is degrading, it’s just sad!

Larry King: I’m Larry King from Washington, arrividerci!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tim Robbins: 10/03/92: Founding Fatherss

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 18: Episode 2

92b: Tim Robbins / Sinead O’Connor

Founding Fathers

Thomas Jefferson…..Tim Robbins
George Washington…..Kevin Nealon
Benjamin Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Announcer…..Don Pardo
Clive Bradshaw…..Tim Meadows
Reporter #1…..Chris Farley
Reporter #2…..Rob Schneider
Reporter #3…..David Spade
Reporter #4…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #5…..Tom Davis

[ Fade in on Jefferson and Washington standing together inside Independence Hall. Jefferson holds the Declaration of Independence in one hand, a quill in the other. ]

[ SUPER: “July 4, 1776” ]

Jefferson: General Washington, you realize that by signing this declaration, we may well be signing our own death warrants.

Washington: Quite correct, Mr. Jefferson. But as Ben Franklin so aptly put it, “We must indeed hang together, or assuredly, we shall all hang separately.”

Jefferson: Where is Mr. Franklin, anyway?

Washington: If I know Franklin, he is down in his laboratory tinkering with one of his harebrained — whaaa?!?

[ Washington is taken aback as Benjamin Franklin fades into the room. ]

Franklin: Tom, George … your nation is in dire peril!

Jefferson: Well, we are quite aware of that, Mr. Franklin. That is why we sign this document today …

Franklin: No! Your country needs you in nineteen ninety two! Let’s go …

[ All three of them fade out of the room ]

[ SUPER: “Donald Bellisario presents”]

Announcer V/O: From the producers of “Quantum Leap” comes …

[ SUPER + V/O: “Founding Fathers“]

[ Washington, Jefferson and Franklin are seen in a spiral vortex ]

Announcer V/O: Answering the call of a troubled nation, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and inventor Benjamin Franklin travel forward to the twentieth century, courtesy of Franklin’s quantum time warp machine.

[ Fade to TNN Special Report ]

Clive Bradshaw: Good afternoon. I’m Clive Bradshaw with a TNN special report. In a moment we will go live to the senate caucus room for the eagerly awaited press conference, in which the founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and inventor Benjamin Franklin, will present their recommendations for curing America’s ills. Oh! [ Cocks an ear as he hears something in his earpiece ] I understand the founding fathers are arriving at the caucus room.

[ The press waits in front of an empty table, which is no longer empty when the founding fathers materialize into their chairs. ]

Franklin: Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, my fellow Americans … after much study and soul-searching, General Washington, Mr. Jefferson and I are now ready to humbly offer our recommendations for reform. General?

Washington: Thank you, Mr. Franklin. I guess that it would be safe to say that, as we studied your problems, we kept coming back to one overriding concern: the crippling federal deficit. Mr. Jefferson?

Jefferson: And because this deficit threatens the very foundation of our great democracy, the three of us have put together this deficit reduction plan. It includes basically an increase in the tax rate on the upper income brackets, a cap on entitlements, and increased cuts in military spending. It’s all here in the package, but we’ll certainly open the floor to questions. Yes?

Reporter #1: Yes, uh, did any of you own slaves?

Washington: Um … yes. Yes, I did.

Jefferson: I did as well. We both own plantations.

Franklin: Next question.

Reporter #2: President Washington … did you ever sleep with your slaves?

Washington: I beg your pardon?

Reporter #2: Did you ever have … sex with any of your slaves? You know … have sex with any of your slaves?

Washington: [ offended ] Look, I did not travel through time to subject myself to that kind of question, and I most certainly refuse to dignify it with a response! Now if there are any questions concerning our deficit reduction plan … yes?

Reporter #3: Yes, uh, this is for Mr. Jefferson. I read somewhere that during the Revolutionary War you avoided serving in the Continental Army.

Jefferson: Yes, I thought I could be of more use in the Virginia legislature.

Reporter #3: Well, then how can you expect the American people to trust you?

Jefferson: I’m Thomas Jefferson.

Reporter #3: Yeah … [ sits down ]

Franklin: Yes?

Reporter #4: Um, uh, President Washington, um, did your wife Martha approve of your having sex with slaves?

Jefferson: Can I jump in here? Uh, I just want to remind you all that we’re talking about the eighteenth century. And yes, most landowners in Virginia had slaves. And yes, it was common for a master to take as his mistress a negro wench …

[ The three of them react in embarrassment ]

Jefferson: … I think I said the wrong thing.

Washington: Look, look – we do have a very important deficit reduction package to talk about. Is there any way we can get off this slave sex issue?

Reporter #5: Um, i-is that your real hair?

Franklin: [ shrugs, to colleagues aside ] I’m sorry, gentlemen, I …

[ Fade back to the shot of the founding fathers in a spiral vortex ]

Announcer V/O: Next week on Founding Fathers, Ben transports himself to 1962 to help president John F. Kennedy …

[ Fade to — ]

Franklin: [ dressed as Marilyn Monroe, singing seductively into a microphone ] Happy Birthday, Mr. President … Happy Birthday to yoooouuu …

[ Fade to title card ]

Announcer V/O: … on Founding Fathers!

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I think a good movie would be
about a guy who’s a brain scientist,
but he gets hit on the head
and it damages the part of the brain
that makes you want to study the brain.

SNL Transcripts

Caracci’s Pizza

Caracci’s Pizza

Caracci Cashier…..Kevin Nealon
Caracci Chef…..Rob Smigel
Caracci Cook…..Tim Robbins
Caracci Sauce Boy…..Adam Sandler
Caracci Sweeper…..Rob Schneider

Caracci Cashier: People in this town argue about a lot of things.But there’s no argument about the best pizza – Caracci’s. At Caracci’s Pizza,we never drop a pizza on the dirty floor, pick it back up and serve it to youlike it never happened. Bu-u-ut, by some chance, let’s say you didcatch one of us dropping a pizza on the dirty floor and selling it to you..