…..Kevin Nealon …..Chris Rock Operaman…..Adam Sandler
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon. [ turns to face second camera ] And I’m Kevin Nealon. And now, our top story.
A Colorado woman was arrested this week for stalking the President with a loaded revolver. A court-appointed psychiatrist examined the woman, found her to be competent, and returned the gun.
And, in a peace offering to “Murphy Brown”‘s baby this week, Dan Quayle sent a handwritten note of welcome, along with a cute, stuffed animal.
Kevin Nealon: Well, a Gallop Poll shows that 78% of American voters feel that the media manipulates too many people into believing what they want them to believe. [ faces the audience to delive a subliminal commentary ] I would have to disagree with that. I mean, you can’t tell someone who to vote for – Clinton – The media simply covers the day’s events – Iran Contra – whether it’s Bush’s proposed economic plan – Big Joke – or whether it’s Perot deciding whether or not to re-enter the race – Don’t Bother – or the feud between Hollywood and Dan Quayle – Idiot – I do think, however, that the media should back off of Mr. Quayle – Big Wedgie – Now I would definitely say that voters make up their own minds – Clinton – I really do.
Al Gore this week.
Following the final break of the Soviet Union, former President Mikhael Gorbachev has revealed the secret of his famous birthmark, and shocked onlookers by wiping it off with his hand. “It was just a decal,” said the fun-loving Russian.
Kevin Nealon: As you all know it is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live and most of us here feel that it is like the first day of school. Here, with his comments, is Chris Rock.
Chris Rock: Thank you, Kevin, Thank you. Now for most people the first day of school is a happy time, but not for me. You know why, because I was buster school. That meant I had to wake up every morning at 6 o’clock and go to school and compete with white kids that didn’t have to wake up until 8. Now that’s not fair. Say I got a low mark on a test and I got a teacher going ” Chris can’t read.” Well, Chris is tired, give me a nap and I’ll pass the damn test. You know why I hated school. I hated school, because I was the only black kid in my grade. I felt like Franklin from the Charlie Brown Show. You ever see Franklin. 25 years, not one line. You know everybody’s got their own little character. You know, Linus has the blanket, Lucy’s a bitch, Schmoly plays the piano, Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian. Give him something, damn, give him a Jamaican accent or something(speaks in Jamaican accent), “C’mon Charlie Brown leave me alone”. 25 years man, and they never even invited him to the parties. No, but Snoopy’s dancing his ass off. I got to go, man I don’t know what to say. A damn dog. (referring to Snoopy dancing)
Kevin Nealon: Thank you Chris. Chris Rock everybody.
Kevin Nealon: And now, for a look at people in the news, here’s “Update” correspondent, Operaman.
Operaman: [ singing ] Gracia, Kevin, Gracia.
[ pictured: Ross Perot ] Perot es candidato No, no candidato Si, candidato No, no candidato Do ah poopa Or get off da potta!
[ pictured: Mia Farrow ] Oh solo mia Mia solo Soon-Yi incesta Woody addio
[ pictured Madonna ] Es Madonna? No, es Bambina Es Madonna? No, es Virgin-ah Ah! El cracko! Es Madonna!
[ pictured: Dan Quayle and Murphy Brown ] Enuffo! Enuffo! “Topico over exposo!”
[ pictured: Jay Leno ] Leno chin-o. El produche. Mucho close-oh Mucho boffo El peacocko ultimatum Leno chin-o blow her off-oh.
[ pictured: Sarah Ferguson ] Fergia, Fergia Nippola, Nippola Nippola, Nippola Nippola, Nippola Cantalopas el protrudo Operaman grande stiffo Bye-bye!
[ Kevin gives Operaman a standing ovation, as do Nicholas Cage and Cher from the audience ]
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.
Former mayor Marion Barry, in the race for a D.C. City Council seat, has a new slogan: “Vote For Me, I’m Still a Crack Politician.”
Geraldo Rivera celebrated his show’s 1,000th episode this week. Appropriately, that’s just about enough videotape to stretch to Uranus and back.
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.
Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks Leon Norwood…..Nicolas Cage Undecided Male Voter 1…..Chris Farley Undecided Male Voter 2…..Adam Sandler Undecided Female Voter 1…..Melanie Hutsell Undecided Male Voter 3…..Rob Schneider Beverly Timko…..Julia Sweeney Undecided Female Voter 2…..Ellen Cleghorne
[ open on Ted Koppel standing in front of a brick wall ]
Ted Koppel: The presidential election is just thirty-eight days away. And, still, many viewers remain undecided, disillusioned and alienated. Candidates on both sides find themselves in the position of a young man dating a very neurotic woman: He can wine her, dine her, and sweet talk her all he wants, but he still might not get any. Tonight, a cross-section of these undecided voters are in our studio, and they’ll be given a chance to do something unusual in a presidential campaign: They’ll talk directly to one of the candidates, and voice their concerns.
[ dissolve to “Nightline” logo ]
[ dissolve back to Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: Hello, I’m Ted Koppel. And thiiiis… is “Nightline”. Our guest tonight is Gov. Bill Clinton, who is joined by his wife Hillary. Welcome, Gov. and Mrs. Clinton.
[ pan to reveal Bill and Hillary Clinton, as Bill stands to take his own podium ]
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Ted. I appreciate the chance to be here tonight to talk to these nice people about the REAL issue in this campaign: the economy.
Ted Koppel: Well, Governor, let’s take our first question from one of our undecided voters. Yes, Sir?
Leon Norwood: Hello, Governor. My name is Leon Norwood. I heard you say in a speech you were gonna cut middle-class taxes to increase consumer spending.
Bill Clinton: Yes.
Leon Norwood: Well… isn’t that the same old tax-and-spend we always hear?
Bill Clinton: Well, Leon, I meant we would cut your taxes, so you would have more to spend.
Leon Norwood: There it is! “Tax” and “Spend”.
Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, if I may, Sir. [ to Leon ] Just because the words “tax” and “spend” appear in the same sentence, it doesn’t make it a bad thing. There are other words in there — verbs and modifiers that change the meaning.
Bill Clinton: Well, actually, Ted, Leon has a really good point, and I apologize if I haven’t made myself understood. [ Hillary smiles at Bill ] Our economic plan would include a middle-class tax cut, investment in the infrastructure, education and job training paid for by taxes on the rich.
Ted Koppel: [ to Leon ] Does that help at all?
Leon Norwood: No. I’m sorry, I’m just not satisfied with your answer. I wish I could be… but I’m not.
[ Leon storms off the stage ]
Ted Koppel: Alright. Do we have a question for Mr. Clinton? Yes, Sir?
Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh-uhhhh… yeah… uh — I was watching television, and, uh — that thing in New York? Where you got the job that you got now? And, uh, everybody talked about how you’re gonna, uh, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, and, uh — do — do real good. You know, where all those guys were in New York?
Ted Koppel: The convention. The Democratic Convention.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Right, Ted! [ he shakes his head ] And… then, there was this other thing where these days, uh, were saying that what you were saying was wrong. And, uh, you shouldn’t be doing it, and… that it… that it was bad?
Ted Koppel: The Republican Convention.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Right.
Ted Koppel: Go ahead, please.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Well… I got really bored.
Bill Clinton: Well, that is a really good point. Sometimes I wonder how we, as politicians, can get so bogged down in this campaign rhetoric that we forget the real issues like health care, jobs, and education. And that’s why I’m here tonight: to answer your questions.
Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh… I didn’t have a question.
Ted Koppel: Then, sit down… NOW! [ he returns to his seat, as another undecided voter saunters forward ] And, audience, please: Before you step up to the mike, please have a question in mind.
[ Undecided Male Voter 2 gives this a moment’s thought, then returns to his seat as well ]
[ Undecided Female Voter 1 steps forward ]
Ted Koppel: Ma’am? Do you have a question?
Undecided Female Voter 1: See, it’s like, you look all around, and you see all this stuff? And, everybody’s got stuff but me! Where’s mine?! Where’s MY stuff?! I’m young, man! I should have stuff, too! WHERE’S MY STUFF?!!
Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a really good point. I hear this a lot. I think if this election is about anything, it’s about… “stuff”. It’s about the fact that, under Reagan, Bush, Quayle, more people are working harder and harder for less stuff.
Bill Clinton: Exactly! Where is your stuff? We’re in danger of raising the first generation of Americans who… will have less stuff than their parents.
Undecided Female Voter 1: Stuff! Yeah!
Ted Koppel: So, has Gov. Clinton influenced the way you will vote?
Undecided Female Voter 1: I’m… not voting ’til I get my stuff!
Ted Koppel: Your lips are moving, but I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Thank you. [ she returns to her seat, as another undecided voters steps up ] Yes. Your question?
Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, Governor? In all the talk in the election, I have yet to hear either candidate say a word about the economy. People are out of work. Now, if you have a plan to get us out of this mess, I wish you’d tell us!
Ted Koppel: I believe the governor has already answered that question.
Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t.
Ted Koppel: Yes, he did.
Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, no, he didn’t.
Ted Koppel: Yes… he did.
Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t!
Ted Koppel: Look, it may not be an answer that you like, and it may not be an answer that I like. But I will tell you, and you WILL believe me — he DID answer the question!
Undecided Male Voter 3: I — I don’t think so.
Ted Koppel: Don’t make me come down there and SLAP you around! Don’t think I won’t, I’m incredibly strong.
[ an older woman stands up and waves at Ted ]
Ted Koppel: Now, does the lady behind you have a question for Gov. Clinton?
Beverly Timko: Yes, uh — I’m Beverly Timko, and, actually, my question is more for Hillary Clinton.
[ Hillary jumps to her feet, greatly alarmed ]
Hillary Clinton: Oh — no. No, no — really. I’m not here for questions, I’m here to support Bill and to do this. [ she smiles ]
Ted Koppel: Really?
Beverly Timko: Well, uh — uh — it’s not a political question.
Hillary Clinton: Oh. Well, I — [ she glances at Bill ]
Bill Clinton: Go ahead.
Hillary Clinton: No.
Bill Clinton: Just do it. [ to Beverly ] What’s your question?
Beverly Timko: Uh — uh — I heard that — I heard you gave a recipe for cookies on the “Today” show, and I missed the ingredients, and I was just wondering if you could give them to me.
Hillary Clinton: [ cheerily ] Well, Beverly, I would love to! It’s a cookie I make for Chelsea and Bill —
Bill Clinton: Take it from me, they’re great!
[ they laugh ]
Hillary Clinton: Thank you! I call them Chewy Chocolate Chip. It’s very basic: a cup of flour, teaspoon of soda, teaspoon of salt, a cup of unsalted butter, a cup of sugar, a cup of brown sugar, two eggs, and a 12-ounce bag of chocolate chips. Nuts are optional!
Ted Koppel: Ma’am, I trust her answer was satisfactory?
Beverly Timko: Actually… no.
[ Hillary frowns ]
Ted Koppel: In what way was it unsatisfactory?
Beverly Timko: Well, uh — she didn’t really say what the ingredients were to the cookies.
Ted Koppel: I believe that she did.
Beverly Timko: Well… she didn’t say anything about butter.
Ted Koppel: She did mention one cup of unsalted butter.
Beverly Timko: Well, if you say she did, she did — but I know what I heard.
Bill Clinton: Uh, Ted, in all fairness to the lady, maybe it is Hillary’s fault.
Hillary Clinton: [ fuming ] No! No!
Bill Clinton: I’m just saying that, sometimes you can get so specific in giving the recipe, that the overall vision of the cookie is lost.
Hillary Clinton: No. No, no, no, no. I said butter! Ted?
Ted Koppel: She did say butter.
Beverly Timko: Whatever. She did not answer my question. Thank you. [ she steps away ]
Hillary Clinton: Well! Would you like me to talk slower? Maybe I could draw PICTURES!!
Bill Clinton: Alright, let it go…
Hillary Clinton: Go ahead — don’t vote for him! I’ll be fine! I have a job! I’M A LAWYER!!
Ted Koppel: Mrs. Clinton — Mrs. Clinton, I could watch you go on all night. You’re like a sex-crazed sex kitten with a whip, and it’s exciting to watch. And we only have time for one more question. Yes, Ma’am?
Undecided Female Voter 2: Governor Clinton, uh — why… do movies cost so much? Not to make, but to go see.
Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a very good question —
Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, that is NOT a good question.
Bill Clinton: Well, Ted, every voter is important —
Ted Koppel: Governor, try to salvage some shred of dignity. You’re leading, for God’s sake. [ to the camera ] Thank you for joining us. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiis… has been “Nightline”.
Nicolas Cage: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! First show, 18th season, that to me is cool! Come on! You know, this has really been a terrific Fall – I’ve got a hit movie out, “Honey moon In Vegas”.. but, for me, the most fun thing about the movie was working with Sarah Jessica Parker. I mean, she was real funny, and really great.. and she has the most beautiful, big breasts. I mean, they were so pretty, and I was, like, this close to them every day! It was just.. it was so fun! The last time I had that much fun, it was “Moonstruck”, because Cher has this, this really incredibly, beautiful ass! I mean, it’s so great! I have to tell you – if you ever see Cher in peron, do yourself a favor, get up close to her and see for yourself. But I think it would really be unfair if I didn’t mention Kathleen Turner..
Director’s Voice: [ interrupting ] Uh.. Nick.
Nicolas Cage: Yeah? Davey.
Director’s Voice: Could you come backstage for a minute, I think Lorne wants to talk to you.
Nicolas Cage: Uh.. okay. [ to the audience ] I’ll be right back. [ walks past a female page ] It’s going pretty good, huh? I was a little nervous at first.. but once I got rolling – POW!! [ reaches Lorne in the hall ] Hi! Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Nick, thanks for coming back. I wanted to talk to you about something.
Nicolas Cage: Okay, but if it’s not too long, because I really don’t want to lose the audience.
Lorne Michaels: Look, Nick, I think you should stop talking about your leading ladies’.. body parts.
Nicolas Cage: Okay.. um.. may I ask why?
Lorne Michaels: Well, I-I-I think the audience kind of finds that offensive.
Nicolas Cage: Wh-hy? It’s true, isn’t it? What, am I wrong about Sarah’s breasts? They’re beautiful, aren’t they?
Lorne Michaels: Uh.. of course, Sarah’s breasts are beautiful. I just don’t want the audience to think you’re sexist.
Nicolas Cage: Sexist?! I’m not sexist! That’s the last thing I am!
Lorne Michaels: Alright, Nick. If you’re going to talk about killer bods, I think you should mention.. Sophia Coppola.
Nicolas Cage: [ outraged, grabs Lorne ] HEY!! THAT’S MY COUSIN!!
Lorne Michaels: You see..? I-I-I-I did that to prove a point. You see, when you’re talking about someone that’s close to you, it’s different, isn’t it?
Nicolas Cage: [ now understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, you’re right! Oh, God! They must hate me! I mean, what are we going to do?!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
Nicolas Cage: [ nervous ] Well, they-they-they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!
Lorne Michaels: No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.
Nicolas Cage: Well, maybe if I just go out, and retract everything, just take it all back..
Lorne Michaels: No, no.. I think dropping the whole subject is the way to go.
Nicolas Cage: No, I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Okay.
Chris Farley: [ excited to see Cage walk past him ] Hey, the monologue’s going great, man!
[ Cage returns to Home Base ]
Nicolas Cage: Uh.. uh, one thing I forgot to mention – James Caan is also in the movie.. and he has the best ass! Believe me, Cher’s got nothing on James Caan! Well, we’ve got a great show tonight! Bobby Brown is here! Great ass!! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ open on Tiny Elvis’s mansion, Tiny E. and the boys in the living room ]
Tiny Elvis: Hey, Sonny, Red, you boys having a good time?
Red: Count on it, Tiny Elvis.
Sonny: Takin’ care of business, Tiny E!
Tiny Elvis: Well, that’s good man, that’s real good. Hey, Sonny, Red! Look how big that lamp is, man! That’s hu-u-uge!
Sonny: [ laughs ]
Red: That’s right, E!
Tiny Elvis: Well, man, I don’t know how I’d ever turn that thing off, man. That is enormous!
Sonny: That’s right, Elvis, that’s a big lamp! [ slaps his knee ]
Tiny Elvis: Sure is, man. That’s a really big lamp!
Red: That’s hilarious, Elvis!
Sonny: Yeah, Elvis, you’re really funny!
Tiny Elvis: Hey, man.. look at that salt shaker, man. That is huge! Man, I’ll never be able to use all that salt, man. That is way too much!
Red: Yeah, that’s a big salt shaker, Elvis!
Tiny Elvis: Sure is huge, man.
Sonny: That’s hilarious, Elvis!
Red: Score another one for the Tiny E!
Sonny: Man, we can’t keep up with you!
Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying it’s a big salt shaker, that’s all.
Red: [ laughing ] There he goes again! That’s why he’s the Tiny E.
Sonny: Hey, stand next to it. Come on, E, that’d be real cute!
Tiny Elvis: [ taking offense ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying, man?
Sonny: What’s the matter, Tiny E?
Tiny Elvis: What, are you calling me “cute”, man?
Sonny: I’m sorry, Tiny E..
Tiny Elvis: Hey, man, I’m not cute! I’m a blackbelt in karate! I got a good mind to climb up your shirt and give your lower a lip a roundhouse kick!
Sonny: I’m sorry. Sorry.
Tiny Elvis: Well, I could split your lip in 79 kicks, man!
Red: Well, he didn’t mean anything by it, Tiny Elvis.
Tiny Elvis: Well, alright.. let’s go for a ride.
Red: I’m with you, Elvis.
Sonny: Count me in, Tiny E.
Tiny Elvis: Well, tell Joe to bring the car around.
[ the scene shifts to the boys riding with Tiny Elvis in his car. Tiny Elvis stands atop the dashboard. ]
Tiny Elvis: Turn left here, man!
Driver: You’re the man, Elvis.
Sonny: Good call, Tiny King.
Tiny Elvis: Hey, man! Look at that knob on that radio! Man, that is hu-u-uge!
[ the boys laugh ]
Sonny: Man, you’re going tonight, Tiny E!
Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying that’s a big knob, that’s all. Alright, it looks pretty dead out. Tiny E’s gonna get some shuteye. [ curls up on the dashboard ]
Driver: You do that, Tiny E!
Sonny: Oh, look at him, Red. That’s adorable!
Red: Yeah, he looks like a tiny mouse.
Driver: You know what would be really cute? If Elvis would lay his little head down on a miniature marshmallow.
Red: [ laughing ] Hey, put a little acorn on his head and use it for a helmet!
[ the boys laugh harder ]
Sonny: Man, he’s so cute, he’s like a buttercup!
[ the boys keep laughing, as Tiny Elvis wakes up ]
Jack Handey V/O: I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
plus shop for all your baby needs. britax car seats, similac, baby registry and more.Get $10 offyour first order of diapers use code JALX4547$49 min. total order Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 1
[ open on a married couple trying to think of a name for their unknown baby ]
Wife: I was thinking about Joseph.
Husband: [ turned off ] Joseph?
Wife: Yeah. Joseph.
Husband: Well.. it’s a nice name, but the kids are gonna call him “Joe Blow”. I mean, as long as you know that. Or “Sloppy Joe”, you know.. “How are Mr. & Mrs. Schmo?”
Wife: Well, I guess that’s true..
Husband: I mean, it’s a nice name.
Wife: Well, that’s alright. How about John? That’s nice and simple.
Husband: What, are you serious?
Wife: Well, yeah.
Husband: John? You want to do that to the kid?
Wife: Do what? Husband: [ mimicking ] “Hey, John! Hey, let’s go to the john. Huh, John? Let’s go!”
Wife: Well.. wouldn’t he outgrow those jokes?
Husband: Look, kids are mean. I just want him to have a happy childhood, too.. but, “Long John Silver”? I mean, I don’t know what to say!
Wife: Okay, okay, okay.. Well.. um.. what about Peter?
Husband: Oh, right. Sure. Peter. Let’s just put him up for adoption right now, save the kid a lot of agony. I mean, obviously – no Peter, no Dick, no Rod! Can we just discuss this intelligently, please?
Wife: Yes, we can. [ thinking ] Okay.. um.. William.
Husband: William. Good. “Wee Willie!” “Chilly Willy!” “Willie Wonka! Hey! Where’s your chocolate factory?! Oompa-Loompa” every day of his life!
Wife: Ddi you get teased a lot as a kid?
Husband: [ defensive ] No, I did not. Did you tease a lot of kids? Because, judging from these names you’re picking, you don’t seem to be very sensitive.
Wife: Okay, I’ll just keep trying.. What about Fred?
Husband: [ sighing ] Please.. Fred, Frank.. lease, the F’s are no good. If he’s fat, it’s just a disaster.
Wife: Okay, alright. Um.. Sam?
Husband: Great. Sam. “Uncle Sam.” “I want you.. to be ostracized!“
Wife: Then, let’s Paul.
Husband: Right. Paul. “Hey, Paul, where’s Peter and Mary?!”
Wife: What?
Husband: Peter, Paul and Mary. “Hey, Paul! Play me a folk song, and then I’ll beat the crap out of you!
Wife: Well, at this point, I’d just settle for anything. How about.. Jack?
Husband: [ thinking ] Hmm.. yeah.. yeah, Jack’s a fine name.
Wife: Really?
Husband: Oh, yeah.. as long as we make his middle name O’Lantern! Because that is what everyone’s gonna call him!
Wife: Okay.. fine.. what about ben?
Husband: Ben! Oh, fine, we’re giving birth to a big bear? Great! “Gentle Ben!” “Hey, Ben, where’s Jerry? Get me some ice cream, or I’ll beat the crap outta ya’!
Wife: We could call him “Benjamin”.
Husband: Sure. Benjamin. Harrison! “Hey, Benjamin, how’s that tariff coming?! Montana a state yet?!”
Wife: Well, what about.. Todd?
Husband: [ stretching for an excuse ] Todd.. Todd.. Tad! “Tadpole!” Our son’s a tadpole! “Hey, Tadpole, I don’t like you! Thank your parents!”
Wife: Now, come on, I said “Todd”, not “Tad”. You changed the name, that’s cheating.
Husband: Yeah, and it took five seconds. It might take a kid ten.
Wife: [ sighing ] Okay.. what about Harry?
Husband: “Hey, Harry, where are the Hendersons?!”
Wife: Oh, come on! Nobody even saw that movie!
Husband: Kids saw it! Alright, one more.. come on, we can do it..
Wife: Alright. Um.. Nate.
Husband: “The Nate Rockne Story.” “Hey, Nate, where’s the Gipper?”
Wife: What?
Husband: [ pacing the room ] Na-ate! Na-ate! Do you like that sound? Well, you better get used to it! [ his wife walks across the room ] Hey, where are you going?
Wife: [ leafing through book ] I’m looking at this Baby Name book, I thought it could help us.. [ looking through book ] How about Bjaardker?
Husband: [ intrigued ] Oh?
Wife: Bjaardker. It’s Icelandic.
Husband: [ considering ] Yeah.. that’s a tough little name to crack. That could be good. [ puts his face up to his Wife’s belly ] Hey, Bjaardker, little fellow. You might just have a good childhood, after all. [ Wife laughs ] Talk to you later.
Wife: I love you.
Husband: I love you. [ they kiss, as the doorbell rings ] You sit, honey.
Wife: Alright.
Husband: [ answering the door ] Yes?
Telegram Deliverer: Hi, how you doing? I’ve got a telegram here for a Mr. & Mrs. Asswipe Johnson. I’m supposed to read it. [ holds telegram ] “Dear Asswipe & Emily: Congratulations on your upcoming blessed event. All our love, Bob & Diane.” Here you go, Sir. [ hands him the telegram ]
Husband: Uh.. listen.. that’s “Os-wee-pay“.
Telegram Deliverer: [ confused ] What?
Husband: Uh.. forget it, forget it.. [ closes the door and sits next to his wife ]
Wife: That was really nice of Bob and Diane.
Husband: [ sighs ] Yeah, but why do they have to mention my name so much?
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 26th, 1992 Nicolas Cage Bobby Brown Jan Hooks Lorne Michaels Cher Rob Smigel Terry Turner Bonnie Turner Christine Zander Husbands and WivesSummary: Woody Allen (Dana Carvey) and Soon-Yi Previn (Rob Schneider) awkwardly run into Mia Farrow (Jan Hooks) and Alan Dershowitz (Rob Smigel) outside the movie theater during a presenation of “Husbands and Wives”. Recurring Characters: Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, Soon-Yi Previn, Tony Roberts, Alan Dershowitz, Frank Sinatra. Transcript
Montage
Nicolas Cage’s MonologueSummary: Nicolas Cage delights in talking about his female co-stars’ body parts. Transcript
The Adventures of Tiny ElvisSummary: Tiny Elvis (Nicolas Cage) marvels at the enormity of the normal-sized objects that surround him. Transcript
Ross Perot Makes a DealSummary: Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) offers complete strangers money to perform bizarre stunts for his own pleasure, as proof of his own power. Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey recalls his Uncle Caveman. Note: Hub, Helios. Repeat from: 91l.
Bobby Brown performs “Humpin’ Around”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Kevin Nealon delivers a subliminal commentary about Bill Clinton. Chris Rock comments on the first day of school. Opera Man (Adam Sandler) sings about Madonna and other recently celebrity gaffes. Transcript
Baby NamesSummary: Mr. Asswipe Johnson ( Nicolas Cage) is extra-sensitve about choosing a name for wife’s (Julia Sweeney) expectant child. Transcript
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey muses on the top thing an Indian can do. Transcript
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Dana Carvey) moderates a Q&A session between Gov. Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) and a series of stupid-yet-undecided voters. Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Bobby Brown performs “Good Enough”
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders what frightens ants the most.
The Queen Shenequa ShowSummary: Queen Shenequa (Ellen Cleghorne) raps with Bobby Brown. Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders a world gone mad. Transcript
Mr. Casual Sex
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey offers a suggestion of what to do if you go temporarily insane. Note: Repeat from: 91l.
SummaryToo bad for Dana Carvey. Republican President George Bush wasn’t re-elected during the 1992 season, nor was Independent candidate Ross Perot elected. Instead, the victory went to Phil Hartman.. uh.. make that Democratic candidate Bill Clinton. Carvey said goodbye to frequent cold opening shouts of “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”, then said goodbye to six-and-a-half years of being a cast member to leave “SNL” midseason. More and more, the newer, younger cast members were dominating the show from the old-school antics of Carvey, Hartman, Kevin Nealon and Mike Myers. Chris Farley began to portray a portly motivational speaker named Matt Foley, David Spade created “Hollywood Minute” as a forum for making snide comments about celebrities more famous than himself, and Adam Sandler took to singing badly-rhymed acoustic guitar offerings. A highlight of this season can be found in guest appearances by former cast member Jan Hooks, who returned periodically to portray America’s staunchiest First-Lady alongside of Hartman’s President Clinton.
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