President George Bush…..Dana Carvey Dan Quayle…..Jeff Renaudo
President George Bush: Well, good evening! You know, this is the first I’ve talked to you, the American people, since Tuesday, the day the people of New Hampshire delivered their message. Yes, I got it! Now, message received, loud and clear. Thank you, people of New Hampshire. You did your job, sent me the message, the message I got. Roger, Wilco! [ laughs ] Message received! You know, came in this ear, bounced around this cranial area right here, going round and round and round. Didn’t come out this ear – stopped! Got it!
Now, don’t worry, you Super Tuesday people. New Hampshire did your work, they sent their message.. [ mimics telegraph ] ..got it! Received! Got it, didn’t want to get it, but got it, got it good! And just to show you I got the message – and I got it – gonna write it down, message right here. [ takes out piece of paper and a marker ] Message being written right now. I’m moving the implement that will form the letters that will spell said message, the message that I got. And here is that message.. [ holds up sign reading “You’re Pissed!” ]
[ Dan Quayle enters ]
Dan Quayle: Hi, George!
President George Bush: Well! Dan! My little Vice-President! Well, come on up here, Skipper! [ sits Quayle on his lap ] Look at you, growing like a weed, there! Sprouting up.. looks like somebody needs a trim!
Dan Quayle: We did good in New Hampshire, didn’t we, George? We got 53%! We won!
President George Bush: Well, Dan, that’s nice of you to say. But, let me tell you, for a sitting President, 53% is not good. It’s bad! It’s bad!
Dan Quayle: But you’ll beat Buchanan, won’t you! He’s ugly! [ hides his head in Bush’s arms ]
President George Bush: Oh, now, now, now.. He’s very emotional. now, Dan, take her easy. He’s not as cute as you are, little Skipper – never will be – but we don’t want to go negative. You see, the people were sending us a message. They don’t think we care about them.
Dan Quayle: But we do! We do care!
President George Bush: Well, now, good, DAn.. that’s good. Smart boy, talented.. always learning, always growing.. give me a smile. Give me a smile. Love those pearly whites! Well, now, run along now, someone’s bedtime, there you go!
Dan Quayle: [ gets up ] We’re gonna win! [ exits ]
President George Bush: Alright.. atta boy.. Bush.. Bush/Buchanan.. nah.. [ laughs ] To sum up: message received; Roger, Wilco; got the message.. [ holds up sign ]; no more message needed, got it; Dan Quayle, still gaining acceptance; “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiigghhhtttt!!“
Verne Lundquist…..Phil Hartman Scott Hamilton…..Dana Carvey Brian Deming…..Jason Priestly Tracey Wilson…..Julia Sweeney
(The opening animation of CBSs coverage of the XVI Winter Games in Albertville is shown)
Verne Lundquist: Hello, Im Verne Lundquist. Were about to witness one of those dramatic moments that makes The winter Olympics, we here at CBS are associated with. Brian Deming, a young man from Rockford, Illinois, a real Cinderella story. A man who was not expected to win a medal here in Albertville. Can with an impressive performance tonight Vault himself into contention into the Gold Medal in Mens Figure Skating. Our own Scott Hamilton is with us. (Scott appears) Scott, what does Brian need tonight.
Scott Hamilton: Well Verne, Brian needs a 5.6. Thats a 5.6 to pass Alexander Yolonov for a silver medal and he needs a 5.8 for a gold. He cant afford a big mistake but I watched Brian in practice today and he was exquisite. All he has to do is skate the program he skated this afternoon and Brian will have his medal.
(Brian skates onto the ice)
Verne Lundquist: Thank you Scott. Heres Brian now, hes taking his position on the ice. (Brians mother is shown in the crowd) And there we see Brians mother, the woman the story of sacrifice, we are all very familiar with. Driving Brian 120 miles every day, back and forth to Chicago seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year for sixteen years so he could train with Marty Schienholtz. Quite a story. We have reached the moment of truth. Lets watch [The music starts and Brian starts skating]
Scott Hamilton: What a bold choice of music. Now this first move coming up is a triple twist lutz. Its very crucial to his per (Brian jumps and wipes out)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Well, thats too bad. Thatll cost him the gold.
Verne Lundquist: Oh thats a shame, Scott.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, very very disappointing. But hes not letting up. He still looks like he can really (Brian jumps and wipes out again)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Well, thatll cost him even the bronze.
Verne Lundquist: Really, just for that fall.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, it was just so totally out of control.
Verne Lundquist: But hes gotten up and hes continuing on.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, you really have to admire how this man has hung in there and– (Brian wipes out again)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Verne Lundquist: What was he trying there?
Scott Hamilton: Well that was a double axel, Verne, but he mustve caught an edge because he just wiped out.
Verne Lundquist: But hes up again. What courage. It looks like hes perhaps injured himself.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, he seems to be favoring his (Brian just falls down this time)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Well, that was awful.
Verne Lundquist: He should quit now, shouldn’t he?
Scott Hamilton: Yes, hes just totally out of his routine. I would say hes completely (Brian falls again)
Verne and Scott: Oh!
(Cut to Verne and Scott)
Verne Lundquist: Could this cause permanent
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Verne Lundquist: permanent
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Verne Lundquist: damage?
Scott Hamilton: Yes, he really should
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: Someone should really stop this, but Olympic rules prohibit
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: anyway from actually
[Cut back to the ice where Brian is now sliding on his belly]
Verne and Scott: Oh!
Scott Hamilton: You know, I think the important thing about the Olympics is (Brian falls again) to come here to Olympics and compete and give it your best and I can say as a former Olympian is the greatest thrill is just having been there. (Brian crashes into the boards) And thats something that Brian will have for the rest of his life.
Verne Lundquist: Oh, whos skating next Scott?
Scott Hamilton: Randy Bauer from Germany Verne. Hes a very graceful and technical superior skater, but he doesnt have the flamboyance of a Franz Pennick.
Verne Lundquist: Franz from Switzerland, a civil worker from Zurich whose wife is expecting a baby at any minute.
Scott Hamilton: Yes, quite a human drama there.
Verne Lundquist: And of course well be going to highlights of the Womens Alpine Skiing later in the broadcast and that exciting run Uli Gerhart this afternoon in the Giant Slalom. But back to Brian Deming who appears to be wrapping up his heroic performance here in Albertville, yes. (Brian finishes with a gash over his right eye and a bloody lip) We are waiting for Brians scores. Right now, lets go down to Tracey Wilson whos with Brian.
[Cut to Tracey and a completely out of breath Brian]
Tracey Wilson: Brian, that was a bold choice of music. (Brian nods)
[The scores appear on the screen]
Tracey Wilson: Here are the scores, (FRA) 0.1, (AUS) 0.1, (USA) 0.1, (EUN) 0.0, thats the Russian judge. (CAN) Oh, theres a 0.2, (GER) and another 0.0, (GBR) and another 0.0. Brian, are you disappointed? (Brian nods) Brian, is there anything that you can say?
Brian Deming: (grabs the mike) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!
Spokesman: If you’re concerned about auto safety, you probably know about this.. [ holds up air bag ] ..the air bag. Experts agree it’s your best chance of surviving a collision. But there’s one drawback to the concentional air bag – it may save your life, but what do you eat while waiting for help to arrive? We at Jiffy Pop think we have the answer – the Jiffy Pop Air Bag. [ Air Bag pops open ] It’s quick, and easy.
[ show demonstration of car engine ]
Upon impact, the Jiffy Pop kernals in the steering column are instantly fed to the engine block, where they’re with oil from the crankcase. As the corn is popped, the bag expands, protecting the driver from injury, and, best of all, providing a delicious low-calorie treat. It’s as fun to eat as it is to make.
[ show Actual Reenactment ]
EMS: [ rushes to smashed car ] Are you okay?
Driver: [ calmly eating her popcorn ] Mmm-hmm. How the other driver?
EMS: Not too good. How’s the Jiffy Pop?
Driver: Great!
[ pan to Spokesman in foreground ]
Spokesman: The Jiffy Pop Air Bag. Because we don’t want you to walk away from your next accident on an empty stomach.
Announcer: The Jiffy Pop Air Bag. Now in Chedder Cheese.
[ SUPER: “Warning: During collision, some kernals may remain unpopped” ]
Johnny Hildo…..Jason Priestly Seventh Grader…..Mike Myers Kristen…..Siobhan Fallon Mr. Wilson…..Phil Hartman Coed…..Melanie Hutsell Black Male Student…..Chris Rock Black Female Student…..Ellen Cleghorne Richmeister…..Rob Schneider Guard…..Chris Farley Cellmate…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer: And now, “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part One: The Seventh Grade.
Johnny Hildo: Hi, guys!
Seventh Grader: Hey, Dildo!
Johnny Hildo: Uh.. that’s “Hildo”.. with an H.
Seventh Grader: Uh, yeah.. whatever.. Dildo!
[ they all laugh at him ]
Announcer: We continue with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The Twelfth Grade.
Johnny Hildo: Hi, Kristen! Uh.. will you go to the Homecoming Dance with me?
Kristen: Oh.. I already have a date, Dildo.
Johnny Hildo: [ pause ] Okay, I understand. Uh.. by the way.. that’s “Hildo” – H-I-L-D-O. Hildo.
Kristen: Oh. Okay. Thanks, anyway, Dildo! [ runs off ]
Announcer: We continue now, with “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”. Part Two: The College Years.
Johnny Hildo: Uh, Mr. Wilson.. I was wondering if I could talk with you about the Sociology exam.
Mr. Wilson: Well, it’s gonna be a tough one, Dildo.
Johnny Hildo: Yeah.. listen.. that’s “Hildo”, with a “Ha”, not a “Da”, okay?
Mr. Wilson: It sounds good, Dildo. But you’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got a class to teach. [ enters classroom ]
Coed: [ passing through hall ] Hey, Dildo!
Black Male Student: [ passing through hall ] What’s up, Dildo!
Black Female Student: [ passing through hall ] How you doing, Dildo!
Richmeister: [ passing through hall ] Dil-do-o-o-o-o!!
Johnny Hildo: My name is Hildo, alright! Hildo, dammit! Hildo-o-o-o-o!!
[ cut to newspaper headline: “Crazed Dildo Kills Seven” ]
[ cut to jail cell, Johnny Hildo being placed inside ]
Guard: Well, here’s your new home, Dildo. Hope you like it. Hey, here’s your new roommate.
Cellmate: What’re you in for, Hildo?
Johnny Hildo: [ stunned ] Did you just call me “Hildo”?
Cellmate: Yeah. That’s your name, isn’t it?
Johnny Hildo: Yeah! But, my whole life..
Cellmate: Allow me to introduce myself.. [ extends hand ] ..I’m Larry. Larry Bagina.
Announcer: This has been “The Life And Times Of Johnny Hildo”.
Jack Handey V/O: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
…..Kevin Nealon Crystal Blue Persuasion…..Ellen Cleghorne Cajun Man…..Adam Sandler
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Kevin Nealon.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening Im Kevin Nealon and Im an admitted lazy and illiterate American worker.
Well in San Diego yesterday, President Bush said to best way to avoid medical bills is to stay healthy. He also added the best way to live long is not to die.
Jeffrey Dahmer, who was accused of luring victims to his home and drugging, killing and dismembering them, has changed his plea in court to guilty but insane. Ironically President Bush has changed his campaign slogan to guilty but insane after luring voters to the polls, misleading them, vomiting and killing the economy.
In a survey of a thousand Americans, 58% said they believe that President Bushs economic plan is a gimmick, 24% said they believe its a gizmo and 18% believe its just one of those doohickeys.
Well Boris Yeltzin visited the US, Canada and Britain this week. Russia claims it wasnt an official or planned visit but merely Boris wondering around in a drunken stuper.
It was learned this week that 62 year old PLO leader Yassir Arafar has finally stelled down and married his 28 year old secretary. Sorry ladies.
On a scale of one to ten, Gennifer Flowers gave presidential hopeful Bill Clinton a 9 as a lover. She said it would have been a ten but he had no healthcare plan.
Well the New Hampshire primary is heating up and like most Americans, I dont make my final choice of who Ill vote for until the evening gown and swimsuit part of the competition.
Britains Queen Elizabeth II celebrated forty years on the throne this week. She might want to try some laxatives.
Well this week the Haitian boat people were ordered back to Haiti from the Guatanamo Bay refugee camp in Cuba. Just returned from Port of Prince, Haiti is our star Carribean reporter Crystal Blue Persuasion. How are things in Haiti?
Crystal Blue Persuasion: Things are terrible Kevin. You see, I dont know how we could have let them people go back to that God for saken country. I have seen more concern for holes in the ozone and for Wheres Waldo than human beings. But you know I told them Haitians nobody cares about you because #1, you speak French, OK? We hate the French in America you know? Theyre snotty and they dont wash and their language- it dont make sense you know? It dont spell the way it sounds. Oui, oui, o-u-I- we. O-u-I spells o-yoo-ee. What, theyve never heads of phonics? And #2 nobody cares because you dont have any famous movie star spokesperson. Them crippled children, they have Jerry Lewis. Stray animals have Betty White and you know why them Cubans are here in this country right now. 2 words- Ricky Ricardo. Trust me now, if Jacques Cousteau was Haitian, them refugees would be in New York right now. See Im Jamaican, why do you think Im here huh? Why do you think 1.5 million Jamaicans are here right now? Because we give you so much, we give you Jamaican beef patties, we give you reggae, we give you the whole Marley family. Bob Marley, Lisa, Ziggy, and 2 words- Harry Belafonte. I rest my case.
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Crystal Blue Persuasion.
Well hundreds of spectators watched on Groundhogs day Sunday as Punxatawney Phil came out of his hole, saw his shadow and was shot dead by Pat Buchanan, indicating no more weeks of winter, spring, summer or fall for the groundhog.
You know theres been a lot of people throughout history whove eventually died
There are at least 6 criminal cases being tried in US courts this week. Noriega, Dr. Kavorkian, Jeffrey Dahmer, the LAPD and John Gatti. Fortunately, all the verdicts are in and here they are in no particular order. Guilty, not guilty, not guilty, not guilty, guilty, guilty but insane tough one Mike.
Well one of the witnesses at the Mike Tyson trial said that when Tyson came on to her, she got rid of him by simply giving him the phone number for the weather. Testifying next week that Tyson also harassed her will be the weather lady.
Larry Holmes defeated Ray Mercer in a 12 round fight last night. The win will now fit Holmes against George Forman in whats being termed the Angina in Carolina.
You know, there are a lot of people out there
Well it seems the JFK controversy just wont die. New evidence backing the lone gunmans single bullet theory was uncovered today. The Warrant commission concluded that a single bullet entered Kennedys shoulder, made a quick left and then a quick right, out of his throat into the armpit of governor Conley, even through Conleys wrist and then into his, his, his uh knee right here. The bullet then lodged onto a nearby freight train, traveling to a Dallas airport, onto a plane over to Italy, hanging out there for a few years and then continuing its path into the body of Pope John Paul II. After disappearing for some time it suddenly showed up in Albradril, France today where it will compete in the mens downhill slalom. Its not known if the bullet will be representing Cuba, the Mafia or the CIA.
This year the International Olympic Committee announced there would be stricter rules and regulations at the 16th Olympic games. During the opening ceremonies, 6 musicians were promptly hung after hitting 2 wrong notes.
Every year thousands of people from all over the world have flocked to New Orleans for Mardi Gra. Here to fill us in on what to expect from his years Mardi Gra is Weekend Updates Cajun Man.
Cajun Man: Keeeeeh-von.
Kevin Nealon: Now I bet at the Mardi Gray theres a lot of Cajun food huh?
Cajun Man: Onion.
Kevin Nealon: Hm, that sounds good. Now what is the Mardi Gra all about?
Cajun Man: Celebration.
Kevin Nealon: Folks get pretty happy down there dont they?
Cajun Man: Intoxication.
Kevin Nealon: Theres so many people down there I heard too. Bet it must be hard to find a hotel isnt it?
Cajun Man: Make reservation.
Kevin Nealon: Good idea. Any hotel rooms you might recoomend?
Cajun Man: The Hilton.
Kevin Nealon: They have good entertainment down there?
Cajun Man: Magician.
Kevin Nealon: Great. I guess youll be drinkin a few beers yourself down there wont ya?
Cajun Man: Rehabilitation.
Kevin Nealon: You were just havin a beer back stage.
Cajun Man: Fell off the wagon.
Kevin Nealon: Well we all have our weaknesses I guess.
Cajun Man: Only human.
Kevin Nealon: Uh, maybe we should just change the subject.
Cajun Man: Lets move on.
Kevin Nealon: Sorry. Anyways uh, they got those wild parades down there, I bet you could meet some pretty beautiful women huh?
Cajun Man: On occasion.
Kevin Nealon: Well I understand that you were hangin out with a pretty exotic dancer last year, what happened there?
Cajun Man: Infection.
Kevin Nealon: Thats tough. You took care of that?
Cajun Man: Uh yea, penicillin.
Kevin Nealon: Well I hope this year youre gonna make sure to uh
Cajun Man: Use a Trojan.
Kevin Nealon: Well Im just glad that you learned a valuable lesson Cajun Man.
Cajun Man: Me too, Nealon.
Kevin Nealon: Thanks Cajun Man. By the way, if Im ever down there, whats your room number at the Hilton?
Cajun Man: 7-11.
Kevin Nealon: Guess I should have known that.
Cajun Man: Yep, dumb question.
Kevin Nealon: Cajun Man everyone!
Cajun Man: Kevin Nealon! [gives thumbs up]
Rumors of a mutually beneficial agreement between the US and Japan surfaced this week. According to the reports, the plan suggests that we will agree to stop building cars if the Japanese agree to stop driving them. And Mattel now reports that the most popular toy in America is the Pinata in the shape of Japan.
As a gesture of good will, France is sending New York City 6 public pay toilets. The toilets will replace the Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor, your gotta go masses.
On the medical front, the FDA continues to sanction the use of scalene breast implants for women, saying the scalene implants are not only safe but if your husband or boyfriends gets a sore throat, he can gargle your breasts.
You know in a closing Id like to add a brief footnote about all the Japan bashing across the country. [Mr. Subliminal- commentary appears across screen]
As an American, I think this behavior is an outright shame- fashion- and to be honest with you, I dont want to be involved in any way- ring leader. Now when Japans Prime Minister said Americans lack work ethic and were lazy- cheap shot- all he meant was we should learn to work properly from Monday to Friday- too long. I say lets stop being so insensitive to the Japanese- bastards. Lets face it, our failing economy is not their fault- George Bush. I dont know, maybe we could learn something from the Japanese- sneak attack. Im speaking from my heart. I mean actually theyre very diligent workers- anal retentive- and that I think should count at least for something- buy American. Im Kevin Nealon- big star- and thats news to me.Kevin Nealon: Im Kevin Nealon and thats news to me.
[ open on Mike Tyson Trial at the Indianapolis Superior Court ]
Prosecution: Your Honor, I would like the medical report on abrasions admitted as evidence.
Defense: Your Honor, I object! This is not evidence in this case. Sexual relations were consensual, and any abrasions were simply the results of my client’s larger-than-average anatomy.
Prosecution: Your Honor, we’ve heard this ridiculous argument, and once again I must object to this line of defense. Mr. Tyson’s “larger-than-average anatomy”, this alleged “endowment”, is unfounded and unsubstantiated!
Judge: Counsel will aproach the bench. [ Prosecution and Defense step up to the bench ] I’m afriad I have to agree wih Prosecution here.
Defense: Your Honor, my client is prepared to support this argument.
Judge: Well, if Defense is ready to present such evidence, you may proceed. But, I caution you, it had better be relevant to this case.
Defense: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Tyson?
[ Mr. Tyson stands up, opens his jacket, and unzips his pants. With his back to the camera, we hear a loud thud, as his penis drops to the floor. The Judge is stunned by the enormous size. ]
Judge: I’ll allow it. [ sips water ]
Prosecution: Your Honor, again, I object to this line of defense. We all know that size does not matter, it simply doesn’t matter!
Judge: [ still looking at Tyson’s enormous penis ] The relevance of size has never been determined by a U.S. Court.. therefore.. we’ll allow it.
Prosecution: Your Honor, I request permission to address the impact of this new evidence with the jury.
Defense: Uh, we have no objection.
Judge: Very well. The evidence is admitted. The prosecution may address the jury.
Prosecution: [ stands before the jury, working his way through them to the right ] Ladies and gentlemen.. the judge has ordered you to consider this new.. “piece” of evidence. [ female juror sits wide-eyed, mouth agape ] How you consider it, will be up to you! [ male juror gives the “okay” sign to Tyson ] The Defense is asking you to characterize this evidence as exceptional! Larger-than-average!! But let me caution you: if we come to the concluson that size is somehow relevant, we are sending a powerful message into every home and locker room in America! [ black juror nods his head ] Let us take a moment to consider the evidence. Let’s ask ourselves: what is large? Who among us is qualified to determine what is large? [ female juror in the back raises her hand slowly ] In order to judge the evidence as larger-than-average, we must first determine what is average! Six inches? Five? Let’s say a man who is five-foot-ten-and-a-half and maybe.. perhaps just a smidgeon under five inches. And I’m talking about just the hair! Would that be considered average? [ female juror in front shakes her head no ] Well, certainly it would be considered adequate? [ two feamle jurors in the front look at one another, then simultaneously shake their heads no ] But is it not true, that it isn’t the size, it’s what you do with it? [ two female jurors again shake their heads no simultaneously ] All I’m saying, is size is not important! Believe me, I’ve heard this all my life! That size doesn’t really matter!! It’s irrelevant!!
Defense: Your Honor, I object!
Judge: Sustained.
Prosecution: It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean! It’s a fact! We’ve all heard that!
Defense: Your Honor?
Judge: Sustained.
Prosecution: Alright, then I’ll rephrase it.. It doesn’t take a long hose to put out a fire!
Defense: I object.
Judge: Sustained.
Prosecution: Alright.. I’m only saying, it’s not the axe, it’s how you swing it!
Defense: Your Honor, please.
[ Judge starts banging her gavel ]
Announcer: Coming up on Court TV, testimony from John Gotti’s manicurist.
Air Date:
Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Under The Bridge”
Teenage Fanclub, “The Concept”
