Kaufman’s Big And Tall, And Short And Small Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store
Hal Kaufman…..Rob Schneider Henry K. Kaufman…..Chevy Chase
Hal Kaufman: Hello Im Hal Kaufman.
Henry K. Kaufman: And Im Henry K. Kaufman for Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store.
Henry K. Kaufman: Wed like to take this opportunity to clear up a misconception about Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small-
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store. While some people think that Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small-
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store is only for big and tall
Hal Kaufman: and short and small
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jews, they could be and they couldnt be more wrong.
Hal Kaufman: Thats right Enrique. We included Sephardic jews in the name of our store as a point of ethnic pride because we are in face Sephardic jews.
Henry K. Kaufman: But were running out of time, so this point is, at Kaufmans Big and Tall-
Hal Kaufman: And Short and Small-
Henry K. Kaufman: Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store, every man-
Don Pardo: Thats right, Kaufmans Big and Tall And Short and Small Sephardic Jew Mens Clothing Store. Free gold star of David medallion with every purchase.
Tom Hanes…..Chevy Chase Terry Hanes…..Victoria Jackson
Tom Hanes: Hi, welcome to “Adopt-A-Pet”, I’m Tom Hanes..
Terry Hanes: And I’m Terry Hanes!
Tom Hanes: This week, we’ve got a few more abandoned pets that could really use a good home. Let’s meet one of them – [ holds a big dog on a leash ] this guy over here is Sparky, he’s a growler who loves to bark; he’s full of energy, like a little spark plug, that’s why we call him “Sparky”. [ laughs ] The best thing about Sparky is that he’s an early riser. He’s up before the crack of dawn, barking and yelping and whining and growling. He’s a very loud dog. So if you want to adopy Sparky, just call the number on the bottom of your screen. [ KL5-PETS ] Now, Sparky is not a city dog; he’s a little nervous, needs to run; loves to eat, but he’s got a little trouble digesting. I’d love to keep him, but I don’t think he’s going to get along with my other dogs – he’s kind of a scrapper.. So, please call, Sparky’s waiting!
[ phones don’t ring ]
Well.. while we’re waiting for the phones to ring about Sparky, Terry, why don’t you tell us a little about your second pet over there.
Terry Hanes: Okay. [ holds up cat ] Well, this is Fluffy, she’s an orange Calico, isn’t she adorable?
Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] Yes, she is cute.. and if you have a lot of second-hand furniture, then Fluffy is the cat for you. She loves to scratch and bite and spit. Fluffy’s not a children’s kind of cat, Fluffy is more for someone who enjoys the unpredictable, a good surprise![ phones don’t ring ]
Now, if you want to adopt Fluffy, please call us.
[ phones still don’t ring ]
Terry Hanes: [ trying to sweeten the offer ] Fluffy doesn’t like litter boxes.
Tom Hanes: And if you’ll adopt Fluffy, you’ll also get an extra-added bonus.. [ to Sparky ] Sit!
Terry Hanes: She’s pregnant!
Tom Hanes: Yeah, that’s right! Within a few weeks, Fluffy will drop a litter of kittens in your house! I’m sure she’ll make a great mother – at least, until she goes into heat again.
Terry Hanes: So, if you want to adopt Fluffy, just call the number at the bottom of your screen. [ nothing ] You should also know that Sparky is still available.
[ phone finally rings ]
Tom Hanes: Hey! Hello, Adopt-A-Pet!
Caller: Yeah, hi. Do you think Fluffy would make a good pet for my grandmother.
Tom Hanes: I wouldn’t chance it.
Caller: Okay, thanks.. [ hangs up ]
Tom Hanes: Alright! Our last pet today is really exotic.
Terry Hanes: That’s right! [ holds up picture of monkey ] Mr. Bonkers! And he’s a rhesus monkey. It’s really unusual to have a monkey for a pet.
Tom Hanes: That’s right. And it’s even more unusual to have one with syphallis.
Terry Hanes: Unfortunately, the syphallis is at a very advanced stage, so Mr. Bonkers is visually-impaired.
Tom Hanes: He’s probably also insane, but, in a monkey, that’s hard to know for sure. Either way, Mr. Bonkers is sure to make some lucky family a great pet!
Terry Hanes: Children can learn a lot from Mr. Bonkers, because his anatomy is so like our own!
Tom Hanes: [ laughs ] He just loves to scamper about the house, picking up whatever he can find and throwing it against the wall – his own excrement, for example. So, if you want to adopt Mr. Bonkers, just call the number on your screen.
Terry Hanes: Michael Jackson has a monkey.
Tom Hanes: Yeah, but his is better than ours. Well, we’re out of time, so join us tomorrow on “Adopt-A-Pet” for Reptile Day. We’ve got a really vicious snapping turtle, and a lizard that can get out of anything.
Elliot Rifkin: You sounded pretty worked up on the phone. What’s up?
Oliver Stone: [ checks to make sure no one’s in the hall, then turns on the TV ] The room may be bugged. Have a seat. [ Elliot sits ] Elliot.. have you been following the news lately?
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.
Oliver Stone: You heard about what happened to the President in Japan?
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah, that was awful! Poor guy.. so embarrassing.
Oliver Stone: Embarrassing? It was a national tragedy.
Elliot Rifkin: Well?
Oliver Stone: I want to show you something. [ plays a tape of President Bush falling underneath the table ]
Elliot Rifkin: Right. I saw this on the news. It was pretty bad.
Oliver Stone: That, of course, is the official version, the version they wanted us to see! Now.. take a look at this, the unedited footage.
[ footage shows Bush seated normally at the table, then his face starts to shake and he begins to spew vomit ]
Elliot Rifkin: [ turning his head ] I can’t watch this,sir..
Oliver Stone: You know, Elliot.. why do you think the American people weren’t allowed to see this?
Elliot Rifkin: Well.. do you think they’d really want to see it? It is disgusting.
Oliver Stone: You buy that?
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.
Oliver Stone: Elliot, three days ago, my office asked for permission to examine that tablecloth. You know what they were told? The tablecloth had been sent to the cleaners.
Elliot Rifkin: Yeah?
Oliver Stone: Doesn’t that strike you as more than a little odd?
Elliot Rifkin: Well, it was covered with puke.
Oliver Stone: Exactly! It seems to me, if the President vomits on a tablecloth, I’m gonna hang on to that tablecloth, I’m not gonna send it to the cleaners.
Elliot Rifkin: Uh, Oliver.. whart exactly..
Oliver Stone: Elliot, the point is this – the vomit is gone. The vomit is gone! No record of what he ate, or how much he ate, or how much he vomited.. All we have is this tape. Now, watch.. [ plays tape in forward and reverse, repeatedly ] Up.. back.. up.. back.. up.. and back..
Elliot Rifkin: Can I have a glass of water..?
Oliver Stone: Just a minute. Now, based on the stills of frame 235, we’ve prepared this.. [ unwraps an oversized replica of plastic vomit ] Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Elliot Rifkin: I don’t know..
Oliver Stone: An awful lot of vomit for one person, don’t you think?
Elliot Rifkin: Look, Oliver, I have another meeting.. how can I help you?
Oliver Stone: I just want you to ask yourself three questions: Who was there? Who stood to gain by making the President throw up? And who had the means to pull it off?
Elliot Rifkin: Um.. Japanese?
Oliver Stone: In their own banquet hall? No. Think. Who.. stood.. to gain?
Elliot Rifkin: [ playing along ] Lee Iacocca?
Oliver Stone: Bingo! The man wins a cigar.
Elliot Rifkin: Oliver, look.. the last three years, you have really been going non-stop. I mean.. “Talk Radio”, “The Doors”, “JFK”.. Maybe this is your time to just kick back and relax a little.. God knows you earned it!
Oliver Stone: You don’t get it, do you? You just don’t get it! [ phone rings ] Yes? Oh.. my.. God.. [ hangs up ] They’ve done it again.
Elliot Rifkin: What?
Oliver Stone: The President has wet his pants. I’ve got a plane to catch! [ exits ]
Elliot Rifkin: [ alone ] Wow.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday night.
Spokesman: Would you like your hair to have Sa-lon! finish, Sa-lon! shine, and Sa-lon! hold? Well, now you can! All your wildest Sa-lon! fantasies will come true – with new Sa-lon! Shampoo! [ holds up product ]
Follow these two simple steps: First, wash your hair; then say the word “Sa-lon!” like I do, with the accent on the first syllable. Keep saying the word “Sa-lon!” and feel your hair getting richer, fuller, fresher, thicker..
[ approaches Woman in the salon ]Say it! Say it!
Woman: Salon?
Spokesman: Sa-lon! Louder! Want it! Mean it!
Woman: Sa-lon! Sa-lon!
Spokesman: Yes! Feel it, you msut believe in the power of Sa-lon!
Woman: Yes! I feel it!
Spokesman: Here’s how Sa-lon works!
[ over animated demonstration ]
As you say “Sa-lon!”, impulses travel from your voicebox to your nerve endings, and into the hair follicle itself. The follicle is stimulated only when the accent is on the first syllable. Saying it incorrectly may seriously damage your hair.
[ in the middle of the crowd at the salon ]
Everyone!
CrowdSa-lon!!
Spokesman: New Sa-lon! And remember: if you don’t look good, don’t blame us. That’s just your hair.
[ open on three friends sitting at a table in a restaurant ]
Beth: So, I heard Jerry Brown say that nowadays we only have one party – the Incumbent Party! [ Bill laughs ] And I can see where he’s coming from.
Bill: You know.. I don’t know.. some of those Democrats make me appreciate Quayle!
Dave: That’s right.
Bill: Hey, this is a good place. Have you been here before?
Beth: No, I have not. But I like it already.
Bill: I know, these chairs alone! [ chuckles ] Anyways, you know what’s interesting…
Dave: It’s outerspace. [ Bill and Beth are confused by the outburst ] Jerry Brown. I’m sorry.. you know, where Jerry Brown is coming from, probably.. I..
Bill: Oh.. yeah, yeah.. okay.. So, you know what’s good here, is the Yankee Pot Roast.
Beth: Oh?
Dave: Yeah, that is pretty good here.
Beth: That sounds enticing.
Bill: Yeah, you’ll think you’re in Boston, but without the crazy cabdrivers!
Beth: [ laughs ] I’ve heard about those crazy cabdrivers!
Bill: Yeah..
Dave: [ starts to say something, but doesn’t ] I’m sorry.. go ahead..
Bill: Oh. Okay. Uh.. well, they’ll anything you tell them, right? If you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! [ Beth laughs ] I mean, I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys! [ Beth laughs ] And you know what else is great about Boston?
Beth: What?
Bill: The Clam Chowder.
Beth: Oh, I love Clam Chowder!
Dave: [ now responding to an earlier comment ] They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ laughs ]
Bill: [ confused ] Yeah.. yeah.. right..
Beth: Uh-huh..
Dave: The cabbies in Boston.. the training films they.. chase scenes..
Bill: Right.. Anyway, the clam chowder in Boston is truly great.
Beth: Yeah!
Bill: Hey, you know what else is great? Going to a Red Sox game.
Beth: Oh, sure!
Bill: Yeah. I was there in 1986 when they lost the World Series.
Beth: Oh, wow..
Dave: To the Mets?
Bill: Yeah.. to the Mets. So, anyways, I’ll tell you what happened. I paid $100 to a guy, right? And it turned out it was a forged ticket.
Beth: [ stunned ] No way!
Dave: Clam Chowdah!
Bill: Uh..?
Dave: You know. I mean, just the way they’re always with the Clam Chowdah! New Englandahs!
Beth: Yeah…
Bill: That’s very true.. that’s very true..
Waitress: [ approaches ] Did you folks need menus?
Beth: Uh, no. I’ll just have the Yankee Pot Roast.
Waitress: Sir?
Bill: Uh.. does the French dip come with French fries?
Waitress: Pretty much everything comes with French fries.
Bill: Good. That’s the only way I can eat French dip! [ he and Beth laugh ]
Waitress: [ to Dave ] Sir?
Dave: Oh, uh.. just a burger..
Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]
Bill: So, who’s out there? Who you gonna vote for?
Beth: I know, it’s scary.. There’s that Clinton guy, he seems okay. Is he from Florida?
Bill: No.
Dave: He’s from Arkansas.
Beth: Who’s the one from Florida?
Bill: Pee Wee Herman! [ they laugh ]
Dave: [ near hysterical ] Could we get the waiter, please! Miss!
Waitress: [ returns ] Yeah?
Dave: Um.. what about coffee and French fries?
Waitress: What?
Dave: [ laughs ] Well, you said practically everything comes with fries..
Waitress: Yeah. Well.. actually, not practically everything comes with fries.
Dave: Yeah, I know, I..
Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]
Dave: [ tense ] So, uh.. huh.. those candidates are really something..
Beth: Yeah, they are. That Pat Buchanan guy..
Bill: Yeah. Pat Buchanan’s got some interesting ideas. About as interesting as David Duke’s!
Dave: Now that Steinbrenner’s coming back, I don’t know how it’s gonna taste! [ laughs out loud ]
Beth: [ confused ] Who was that, Dave?
Bill: What are you talking about, Dave?
Dave: The.. Yankee Pot Roast.. I don’t know if it’s.. gonna taste good..
Beth: Steinbrenner..
Bill: Right. Well, that’s a possibility, Dave.
Dave: Well, what does that mena?
Bill: Well, Dave, that was about five subjects ago.
Dave: Well, I’m sorry. I’m just not a subject counter.
Bill: [ to Beth ] Yeah, well, Dave’s a ltitle behind. He’s just now recently getting into rap! Hey, did you hear Prince’s new album?
Beth: Prince?! That guy’s still around?
Bill: Well, yeah, yeah. The new album’s pretty good, the old man’s got some life in ihim.
Beth: Well, I’m more a U2 gal.
Bill: Well, they’re always doing something.
Dave: Bill’s a little behind himself, when he’s not being an ass!
Beth: What, Dave..?
Dave: It’s just that thing you said about me being a little.. behind.. uh.. I’ve just gotta stand up for a minute..
Bill: Okay. Whatever. [ contunies talking to Beth ]
[ Dave exits to the bathroom, where he stares at himself reflectively in the mirror, wondering why he can’t just get it together. He looks at the condom machine hanging on the wall, and turns away. He then notices a bathroom stall marked “Time Machine”, and quickly enters, dispensing a few condoms before he goes. ]
[ the action returns to the table moments earlier, with Dave now in full swing with the conversation ]
Bill: So, these cabbies, if you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys..
Dave: They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ everyone laughs ]
Bill: Right! Hey, you know what else is great in Boston? The clam chowder.
Rob Morrow: Well I would have never come if I knew apple breath was gonna be here.
Mike Myers: [laughs] Well youre gonna have to live with it, wont you, oh smelly one.
Rob Morrow: Oh, what have you been doin lately? Eatin the puss out of your zits?
Mike Myers: Well no stinky, I just finished a book about you.
Rob Morrow: Is that right count fag-ula?
Mike Myers: Yes its called the life and time of a man with no penis, its pretty good.
Rob Morrow: Well Im glad you found time to read for a change instead of sniffing your finger all day like you always do. [Sandler and Spade walk in.] Hey if it isnt Mr. Douche and Mr. Bag, the Finnigan twins, how are ya?
David Spade: Pretty good booger belly, considering the fact that I just got finished shaving your moms back.
Mike Myers: And how about you Johnny Dingleberry, still having those fantasies about sniffing Ed Asners feet?
Adam Sandler: Woah easy there sergeant skid marks. Actually Ive been too busy pickin out my little hairs out of your sisters teeth.
Rob Morrow: Hey pigstains, where the hells our slices?
Kevin Nealon: Coming right up you oozing wad of stink. Ok I got pepperoni for Sir Scrotum [hands slide to Morrow], and I got onion for the Hemorrhoid King [hands slice to Myers], and I got anchovies for Micro Wang [hands slice to Sandler], and a little extra cheese for Mr. Herpes Simplex [hands slide to Spade], enjoy!
Rob Morrow: Well well well, if it isnt skank fest 92. [Beth Cahill, Melanie Hutsell and Siobhan Fallon enter.] What brings you skank bags here?
Siobhan Fallon: We wanted to see what it was like to watch 4 giant gerbil stuffing mutants eat pizza, and you know what? We came to the right place.
Melanie Hutsell: So what are you chunks of steaming corn infested dung up to?
Adam Sandler: Ah, just tryin to keep ourselves disease free you baloated yeast ridden hose bag.
Beth Cahill: Throwin a party across town, you chicken choking losers wanna come?
Rob Morrow: With you scab pickin tuna queens? Sure. [all leave table]
Kevin Nealon: Hope you all get killed tonight you sons of bitches.
Phil Hartman: [sitting at his table, lifting menu from in front of his face] Sticks and stones may break their bones, but apparently names will never hurt.
Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo
…..Chris Rock Douglas Randall…..Rob Morrow Outraged Audience Member…..Ellen Cleghorne Pamela Swinson…..Siobhan Fallon
[ open on the Apollo Theater stage ]
Announcer: Please welcome Chris Rock!
Chris Rock: [ enters onstage ] What’s up! Yeah, so what’s up!
[ dissolve to Chris Rock delivering his commercial pitch ]
Chris Rock: Hi. I’m Chris Rock, and that was me at the world-famous Apollo Theater. Now, it’s a known fact that the crowd at the Apollo is one of the toughest in the world, and people often come up to me and say, “Chris, I’m white. How can I survive the Apollo?” That’s why Icreated these videotapes entitled, “Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo”. Let me show you one white person who benefited from my experience.
[ cut to tape from the Apollo, white guy Douglas Randall taking the stage ]
Douglas Randall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening? The other day I wa cleaning my pool, and you know how..
[ crowd starts booing ]
Outraged Audience Member: Oh, boy, I don’t care for! Get outta here! Hey, where’s Sinbad?!
[ Douglas is quickly pelted with lettuce and old shoes as he runs off stage ]
[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]
Chris Rock: Now, this is Douglas Randall. Now, Doug, it’s like the audience was a little rough that night.
Douglas Randall: Yeah, Chris, they were.. and I started to give up comedy, and then somebody told me about your tape.
Chris Rock: And did you return to the Apollo?
Douglas Randall: I sure did!
Chris Rock: Let’s see the crowd reaction.
[ cut to tape from the Apollo, with Douglas performing his act in the style of a black comedian ]
Douglas Randall: And then I said to Hammer, “You’d better not touvh this!” [ points to crotch ]
Outraged Audience Member: [ now elated ] Damn, that boy is funny!
Douglas Randall: Big butt? White guy got a little butt!
Outraged Audience Member: [ can’t stop laughing ]
[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]
Chris Rock: Well, Doug, I see you studied Leson 4: Big Butt Jokes. Did you have any other favorites?
Douglas Randall: Well, yeah, Chris. I did end with a James Brown toilet impression, like you suggested in Lesson 6.
Chris Rock: That’s right! you cna never go wrong with an impression of James Brown on the toilet! Well, thanks a lot, Doug. Why don’t you take care of that leg? [ Doug exits ] With my tapes, any white person can learn hoe to survive the Apollo – no matter what kind of act you have. Order now, and receive a list of “Head So Big” jokes, “Feet So Stink” jokes, and “If That Was A Brother I Think It Would Have Went Like This” jokes, and many more. Now, some of you are saying, “Chris, I’m not a coomedian. I’m white and I sing. How can I survive the Apollo?
[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” at the Apollo, and receiving negative reaction ]
[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Pamela ]
Chris Rock: This is Pam Swinson. Tough crowd, huh, Pam?
Pamela Swinson: They sure were, Chris. What do you think I can do?
Chris Rock: Well, I don’t think “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” is right for the Apollo. Why don’t you try singing “And I Am Telling You” by Jennifer Holliday?
Pamela Swinson: Do you think that will work, Mr. Rock?
Chris Rock: It always works.
[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “And I Am Telling You” at the Apollo, and receiving positive reaction as she kicks off her shoes and gets the crowd moving ]
[ dissolve back to Chris Rock holding up his tapes ]
Chris Rock: You know, there are so many white people who have benefited from my tapes. Why don’t you, too, join the ranks, and maybe you, too, can survive the Apollo?
Air Date:
Robbie Robertson & Bruce Hornsby, “The Weight”
Nirvana, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”