[ Rob receives no applause as he steps onto Home Base to deliver his monologue ]
Rob Lowe: Thank you. Thank you. [ uneasy ] Thank you. [ sudden enthusiasm ] It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”!
Voice in Audience: [ angry ] You’ve got a lot of nerve! I have a daughter! Rob Lowe: [ confident ] No! Actually, I’m glad that this has come up, I – the incident, to which the gentleman is referring, is an unfortunate situation, and.. I regret it, it’s been, uh.. it’s been very difficult for me. But I’ve learned something. That, through, with experiences like this, you can really find the value and the loyalty of your friends. And.. I found out that I do have a lot of friends —
Voice in Audience: We’re not your friends!
Second Voice in Audience: I’ve got a daughter!
Rob Lowe: Well.. Uh.. we’ve got a great show tonight! Our musical guest, all the way from Ireland – we’ve got the Pogues! [ audience is silent ] Aw, come on.. don’t hold it against them – they didn’t do anything! I mean, they don’t even know me! [ silence ] Aw, come on! It’s Saint Patrick’s Day! [ silence ] Well.. anyway.. we’ll be right back..
Jon Lovitz: [ steps up to help ] Rob.
Rob Lowe: Jon.
Jon Lovitz: Rob, why don’t you just go change for the next sketch? I’ll handle this.
Rob Lowe: Alright. I guess you’re right.. [ glumly walks away ]
Jon Lovitz: [ to audience, excited ] Okay! The Pogues are here! [ audience cheers ] We’ll be right back!
Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.
Church Lady: Hello. I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, well, well.. Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you all. St. Patrick’s Day, what does it mean? A harmless Irish tradition? Or a chance for people to fornicate like drunken little Beastmasters? But we don’t have time to talk about that delicious subject, because we have a very special guest. For almost two years, this young man has been a knot in my corset and a hair in my Cream of Wheat. So, will you please welcome Rob Lowe.
[ Rob Lowe steps onto the set and smugly sits down on the couch ]
Well. Rob Lowe, in the flesh. I could reach out and touch you, but I’m not going to do that. Well, welcome to the show, Rob.
Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady. It’s good to be here.
Church Lady: I guess it is. Just settle down, dear. Just relax. We have lots to talk about. Now, we talked before the show, Rob and I, just so you know.. and his attorneys were present, and we all agreed that we would avoid discussing certain sensitive subjects, and stick only to a list of approved topics. Isn’t that right, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: That’s right, Church Lady. You know, I really appreciate it.
Church Lady: That’s quite alright. After all, you are my little guest. My very special guest. [ holds up list of approved subjects ] Now, let’s see.. you have a new movie out. What is the name of it?
Rob Lowe: “Bad Influence”.
Church Lady: What a lovely little title!
Rob Lowe: Well, you know.. I’m happy with it. It’s gotten some very good reviews. I play a villain, which is a stretch different for me, and the critics seemed to like it.
Church Lady: [ contemplating ] Let’s see.. so the critics thought you were believable in the role of an evil, bad demonic villain from Hell. How wonderful for you, dear.
Rob Lowe: Well.. it was a different role for me.
Church Lady: I’m sure it was quite a stre-e-etch! Very, very different. Just unlike anything.. Okay, now I rented a few of your films this week, just to familiarize myself with your.. body of work.. oh! Excuse me! I mean career.. oops! I said “rear.” I’m sorry. I’m just having trouble sticking to our little agreement! Well, anyway.. I was watching “Hotel New Hampshire”, and I noticed that you frequently expose your TNP. [ SUPER: “Tingly Naughty Parts” ]
Rob Lowe: [ confused ] My TNP? What are you talking about?
Church Lady: Oh, come on, Rob. We agreed that we wouldn’t use those words. I’m just pointing out that quite often your fans, in your films, see your young firm, lily-white B&B. [ SUPER: “Bulbous Buttocks” ] There it is, big and large, throbbing U&D, U&D.. [ SUPER: “Up and Down” ] ..T&R, T&R.. [ SUPER: “Thrusting and Releasing” ] Well.. I’m glad that we had a chance to talk about your movie. So, what else did we agree to talk about.. let’s see.. favorite foods? Pets? Acrylic blends vs. cotton – which do you prefer, Rob?
Rob Lowe: Oh, cotton. Definitely.
Church Lady: It breathes, doesn’t it? It just breathes, yes. Well, that covers our list of agreed topics. I’ve kept my end of the bargain, are you ready to keep yours?
Rob Lowe: Yes. Yes, I am.
Church Lady: Alrighty.. [ pulls a paddle out of her desk ] Well, well, well.. this is a wonderful piece of equipment. It’s Honduran mahagony, Robbie. Take a little touch there.. [ Rob feels it ] Oh, isn’t that nice? [ gets up and paces in front of Rob ] It was crafted in Spain by an old man with one tooth in his head. He was a charming fellow. Helen couldn’t believe the price I got. Are you ready to assume your position, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: [ confident ] Yes, Church Lady, I am. [ gets up and bends over in front of the Church Lady ]
Church Lady: Alrighty. I just need to warm up a little bit. [ swings the paddle back and forth for adjustment ] And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. Alright, I feel good now. Here we go, Robbie. [ swings paddle and smacks Rob in the butt ]
Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another! [ Church Lady smacks him again ] Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another!
Church Lady: [ bends down and yells into Rob’s butt ] Don’t you ever, ever, ever do that again! Get out of his buttocks, Satan! Leave his buttocks! Leave his buttocks, Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! [ continues to repeatedly smack Rob’s butt until she grows weary and flops upon the couch ] Ohhh.. I have waited so long for that.. so many sleepless nights.. You feel better, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah. [ leans against the leg of the couch ]
Church Lady: I know I do. Oh, goodness. Now in celebration of your new lease, you may do the Superior Dance with me. Hit it, Pearl!
[ Church Lady and Rob Lowe stand up and do the Superior Dance for the audience ]
Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey …..Rob Lowe …..Lorne Michaels …..Kevin Nealon …..Victoria Jackson
[ open to President George Bush delivering a message to the nation from the Oval Office ]
George Bush: Good evening. You know, a few months ago, we allwitnessed the Revolution of ’89. The fall of that Berlin Wall doing that falling thing over there. Democracy across Eastern Europe. Now, there were those at that juncture who said, “We won the Cold War – time to gloat!” But I said no. Gloating wouldn’t be prudent. Not gonna gloat. Naahh.. gaahh.. gloat. Just look at the dividends “not gloating” has paid: the Soviet Free Market System, adopted; Nicaragua, Mr. Ortega, gone! Gone! Replaced by Mrs. Chemoro, wife of slain national hero down there – widow woman, not unattractive. Available. Lithuania, independent over there. All because I didn’t gloat! Could gloat now. Easily justified: 80% approval rating. It’s good! Most popular person ever.
[ cut to Rob Lowe’s dressing room ]
Lorne Michaels: Rob, you wanted to see me?
Rob Lowe: Lorne, I’m sorry, I know it’s the last minute, but I’ve just got this weird, scary feeling.
Lorne Michaels: What about?
Rob Lowe: Well, you know, this is the first time I’ve been in front of an audience since.. you know.. the thing.
Lorne Michaels: What thing?
Rob Lowe: Well.. you know.. the tape thing, you know.. and.. what if I go out there, and the people resent me?
Lorne Michaels: Because of the tape? Will they even remember it?
Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah, you know.. I think they might..
[ Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson enter ]
Kevin Nealon: You busy?
Lorne Michaels: No. Kevin, Vic.. come in. Rob’s a little concerned that the audience might be thinking about that tape incident in Atlanta.
Kevin Nealon: Really?
Rob Lowe: Yeah. Maybe they’ll think I’m some sort of, I don’t know.. sleaze.. or a low-life.
Kevin Nealon: Wait a minute. You’re worried that Mr. Joe Average American is thinking about that? I promise you, if they ever heard of the tape, they’ve forgotten about it a long time ago. Nobody cares.
Rob Lowe: Really? You really think so?
Kevin Nealon: People are watching the show tonight wondering what we’re going to do with “St. Elmo’s Fire” or “Oxford Blues”. They’re not tuning in to see us commenting on your personal sex life. That’s none of their business, and they know it.
Lorne Michaels: I think he’s right, Rob. Vic, you’ve been pretty quiet. What do you think? Is the tape thing a problem?
Victoria Jackson: I think the tape helps you.. I mean, ifenough people know about it.
Rob Lowe: Wait a minute.. so, if I go out there, that audience isn’t going to treat me like I’m some kind of jerk?
Lorne Michaels: Why should they? You’re Rob Lowe.
Rob Lowe: [ confident ] You’re right! You know what? I feela little foolish even worrying. In fact.. I’m psyched!
[ cut back to George Bush addressing the nation ]
George Bush: So, to sum up: gloating: too soon, maybe later; Mrs. Chemoro: available; Dan Quayle: gaining acceptance at a faster rate; Ortega: gone, but still, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Arsenio Beckman…..Rob Lowe Linda Blair…..Victoria Jackson
Announcer: It’s time for “The Arsenio Beckman Show”, starring Arsenio Beckman. Tonight, Arsenio’s guest are: from “The Exorcist”, actress Linda Blair; and hot vinyl recording artist, Kool Ice Kold Soda. And now, let’s bang a gong, come on everybody, shake that groove thing for your party maestro, Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!
[ Arsenio steps out to his overly excited crowd, performing a series of weird chants to hype the audience up ]
Arsenio Beckman: I tell ya, man.. this is better than doin’ the Wild Thing! [ audience screams excitedly ] That’s my gang over there! That’s my gang over there! Man.. you know.. there is some wild stuff goin’ on out there! [ audience screams ] Did you hear what happened.. on the news today? [ audience screams ] I mean.. yeah.. yeah.. that was crazy, the news. You know what else? How about the way.. how about the way people dance, you know? [ Arsenio and his audience demonstrate the funny way people dance ] These people know what I’m talking about! Oh, that’s right! Coem on, give it up! Stand up! Give it up! [ the audience stands up and chants with Arsenio ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! People at home are saying.. [ tenses up ] ..”What the hell is this?!” Did you see what was on the front page of the “Enquirer” today? [ audience says “No” ] Susan, can we put that thing.. that thing. Can we put it up there?
[ show headline: “Human Toothpick To Marry” – audience screams ]
Now.. we’ve got a most wonderful show. A sexy, sexy lady.. Linda Blair! [ audience screams ] And some guys that I know.. I’ve been talking to them backstage – and I know you know who they are, because I’ve been talkin’ to them backstage – let’s give it up for Kool Ice Kold Soda! [ audience screams ] Okay! We’ve got a good one go-in’, so let’s.. get.. row-in’! [ Arsenio takes his seat at his chair next to the sofa ]
Before I get started, I gotta take care of some business now. I am not trying in any way to take anything away from Arsenio Hall. You know? I mean, Arsenio – man – he’s the best! I mean, he set the standard.. he.. uh.. he showed the way! But I can’t be Arsenio Hall – I can only be Arsenio Beckman! And, besides, I’ve got my own party goin’! [ audience screams ] Okay! Okay! We’re gonna bring her out now! Won’t you please, please.. I’m gettin’ a little excited here! [ audience screams ] But not that little! [ laughs with his screaming audience, the lies sideways across his chair, eliciting more screams from the bouncing audience ] Okay, okay! She’s a sexy, sexy lady! Let’s clean it out for Linda Blair! [ Linda struts across the stage and sits on the sofa across from Arsenio ] Ah, yes, yes, yes, oh yes, Linda! Linda Blair, yes, oh yes! [ touches her knee ] You did a movie – “The Exoricst”. Great film, great motion picture! Now, what.. what was it like to be possessed?
Linda Blair: I don’t know. Why don’t you possess me, and find out?
[ audience screams and jumps in the aisle ]
Arsenio Beckman: [ blushing ] Oh, man! No, no, no, no.. I like your outfit, but I gotta say one thing – it doesn’t look too comfortable there!
[ audience screams, starts tossing one another in the air ]
Linda Blair: I’d probably be more comfortable on the floor. [ sits on the floor, audience screams ]
Arsenio Beckman: Well, then, that’s just fine. I’ll just lay like this, how’s this? [ lays on floor next to her with legs in the air, audience screams ] Now, I heard.. somewhere.. somebody was saying something about you doin’ a film with somebody or somethin’.. what’s that all about?
Linda Blair: Well, I just did a film, that’s coming out, called “Revenge of the Nerds IV”.
Arsenio Beckman: Yeah, yeah.. nerds.. yeah.. ‘Cause that’s what I’ve been talking about is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance, you know? Some people, you know, they dance like this.. [ demonstrates a nerdy dance, as the audience screams and joins in ]
Announcer: Don’t leave your seat, we’ll be right back with more Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!
Alexander: Hello! I’m Alexander Johnson, of Alexander’s Fur World. And we’re havin our year-end, better-off-dead sale. Furs, furs, furs! Choose from hundreds of full-length minks. Every one of these animals was raised in the lap of luxury, and, I’m sorry to say, committed suicide due to personal problems..
[ SUPER: “Depressed Minks” ]
And that’s not all! We have a fabulous collection of evil, murdering, vicious coyotes – every one a confirmed sheep and bunny killer convicted by a jury of environmentalists, and executed under humane conditions. Believe me, they’re better off dead.
Also, review our selection of reatarded beavers..
[ SUPER: “Retarded Beavers” ]
These poor animals were unable to cope with the complex demands of beaver society, and had to be put out of their misery. We have road possums, rabid foxes, and a limited number of filthy, destructive raccoons we found dead by the side of the road..
[ SUPER: “Flattened Raccoons” ]
So come with a clear conscience, and remember: they’re animals, for crying out loud! That’s what they’re there for!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 17th, 1990 Rob Lowe The Pogues None Joe Dicso Lorne Michaels Conan O’Brien Terry Turner Bob Odenkirk Sex Tape WorriesSummary: As President George Bush (Dana Carvey) addresses the nation with the promise of not gloating, Rob Lowe worries that the audience will hate him because of the sex tape. Recurring Characters: President George Bush. Transcript
Montage
Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: Rob Lowe’s fears were correct – the audience hates him, although they love Jon Lovitz. Transcript
Irish Drinking SongsRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Nancy.
Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) paddles Rob Lowe for the sex tape incident. Recurring Characters: Church Chat. Transcript
Governor Wade Hammond
Dieter’s Dance PartyRecurring Characters: Dieter.
Clearasil
Harbaugh
The Pogues perform “White City”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man.
The Arsenio Beckman ShowRecurring Characters: Linda Blair. Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 24th, 1990 Fred Savage Technotronic None Rob Smigel Tom Davis Jim Downey Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) and her niece Enid (Fred Savage) give Donald Trump (Phil Hartman) and Marla Maples (Jan Hoks) a hard time. Recurring Characters: Church Chat, Donald Trump, Marla Maples.
Montage
Fred Savage’s MonologueSummary: As Fred Savage hits puberty while delivering his monologue, the voice of his older self (Rob Smigel) narrates the events like on “The Wonder Years.” Transcript
Gun SafetyParents (Phil Hartman, Victoria Jackson) keep hiding their gun in places that their son (Fred Savage) is most likely to look for it.
The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens. Transcript
Technotronic performs “Pump Up The Jam”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man, Grumpy Old Man.
Imaginary Friends
Shuttle Launch
Lothar Of The Hill PeopleRecurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler.
Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey Mrs. Campbell…..Nora Dunn Barry the Roadie…..Tom Hanks …..Aerosmith
Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host -Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday night, I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! [ Wayne’s mom walks past with a basket of dirty clothes ] Hey, Mom! Mom, I’m doing a show, okay?
Mrs. Campbell: Sorry, Wayne. Just doing a load of whites. On with the show. Hi, Garth. Wayne, I honestly don’t understand how you manage to get everything you eat on the front of your t-shirts.
Wayne: Uh, Mom.. this is fascinating for everyone, alright? Myself, I’m enthralled. Could you go, please?
Mrs. Campbell: Alright, I get it, I get it.. I’m good enough to do your laundry, but not good enough to be on.. [ chanting ] “Wayne’s World!” “Wayne’s World!” [ returns upstairs ]
Wayne: Good call, Mom! I think you have a firm grasp of ourrelationship. Sorry about that. Okay.. before we begin, let me start off by saying that we have a very special “Wayne’s World” this week, okay? Garth’s cousin Barry is a roadie for Aerosmith, okay? And, guess what? They’re gonna be on the show!
Garth: [ excited ] Oh! Oh! I can’t believe they’re actually gonna be here! Oh! Oh!!
Wayne: Come on, Garth, don’t go squirrelly on me. I’m counting on you, man!
Garth: Okay, man.
Wayne: Okay, the only thing is, though, that I had to promise to put Barry on as a guest, alright? So, here he is. Garth’s cousin, who’s a roadie for Aerosmith – Barry!
[ as Barry walks downstairs, Wayne and Garth jam it up for his introduction ]
Wayne & Garth: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Barry.
Barry: [ stepping over the sofa to sit down ] Hi, Wayne.
Wayne: Hi. Uh.. you know Garth, of course.
Barry: Hi, Garth.
Garth: Hi, Barry!
Wayne: Okay, first of all, good work on getting Aerosmith on theshow, man.
Barry: Well, I told ’em that going on “Wayne’s World” was good for promoting the upcoming gig at the Aurora Civic Center, and they went for it.
Wayne: Okay! Now, uh.. Aerosmith is definitely here, right?
Barry: Yeah. Yeah. They’re upstairs in the kitchen sitting right at the table there.
Wayne: [ stomping his feet on the floor in excitement ] You mean, they’re up there in the breakfast nook! Aerosmith is in my breakfast nook? Excellent! Alright!
Garth: [ waving his drumsticks ] Excellent! Excellent!
Wayne: Alright, let’s go up to the Nook Cam, alright? [ jams his guitar ] “Nook Cam! Nook Cam! Wayne’s World! Excellent!”
[ camera blends to show us Aerosmith sitting around Wayne’s breakfast nook playing poker ] Alright! The Nook Cam. They’re they are.. Aerosmith! This is amazing! There’s Joey Kramer, Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford! Aerosmith is sitting where I eat my Nut ‘n’ Honey everyday!
[ camera blends back to the basement ]
Garth: Oh! Oh! Oh, man, they’re actually here! I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [ Barry wrestles him down ]
Wayne: Garth, take a ritelin, man! Alright, Barry – you’re a roadie, right? It must be Chick Central for you, right?
Garth: Yeah! You must be a citizen of Babe-ylon!
Barry: Well.. yeah.. uh.. we get our share of the babes.. But, you know, you don’t have a lot of time, and there’s a lot of people to consider.. I mean, there’s the band, there’s the sound guy, there’s the lighting crew, there’s management, there’s tour co-ordinators, the record company.. and then, of course, us, the roadies.
Wayne: Okay.. so, what you’re saying is that roadies are the bottom feeders in the Great Babe Food Chain. Right? [ Garth can’t control his laughter ]
Barry: Uh.. that is not what I’m saying, Wayne! I mean, come on.. there’s a ton of chicks who would rather go out with roadies than with the band.
Wayne: Shyeah, right! And, later on, monkeys might fly out of my butt! Okay, let’s see what’s happening upstairs on the Nook Cam. [ camera blends again to show us Aerosmith sitting around Wayne’s breakfast nook, as Mrs. Campbell shows off the family photos ] Oh, no! Oh, no, my Mom’s there, she’s talking to Aerosmith! Oh, no! I’m dying in death! Oh, no, she’s gonna say something stupid! Oh, no, this is BRUTAL!! [ Aerosmith gets up and walks aside with Mrs. Campbell ] Oh, no! They’re leaving! She’s making them take the house tour – the Walk of Shame! [ camera blends back to the basement ] Garth! Go! My mom must be stopped! Use violence if necessary!
Garth: [ running off ] Excellent!
Wayne: Alright.. Barry.. you’re gonna do us a little demonstration of what you do on stage, right?
Barry: [ gets up ] Yeah. Okay, what I do is make sure everyone’s got their gear on, and I cue their guitars, and I bring ’em out onstage.. [ demos ] ..and I start the mikes and make the sure the scarves are always in the right place.. and then, the most important thing – I gotta do a sound check. [ pulls the mike forward ] “Check. Check. Check 1. Sibilance. Sibilance. Check. Check. Check 2. Sibilance. Sibilance.” And that’s pretty much what I do.
Wayne: Well, that’s good. [ spots Garth returning ] Hey! Did you get her to stop?
Garth: Yeah, I stopped her!
Wayne: Alright, great! Thanks, Barry. That was really interesting. Not! Okay.. look, buddy, I honored my part of the contract, alright? So bring Aerosmith on!
Barry: Yeah! [ hops over the couch and runs upstairs ]
Wayne: Alright, excellent! Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you..Aerosmith!
[ Wayne and Garth bow before Aerosmith as they come crashing downstairs ]
Wayne: Okay! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”.. o Mighty Ones!
Steven Tyler: Hi, Wayne. Hi, Garth. Thanks for having us on the show.
Garth: Oh, Wayne, I’m so excited, I.. I think I’m gonna hurl!
Wayne: Hey! Garth, get it together, man. ‘Cause if you hurl, and I catch a whiff of it, man.. I’m gonna spew. And if I blow chunks, chances are someone else is gonna honk, alright? And that’s gonna set off a parastolic reaction, alright? Okay, sorry about that! Make yourselves comfortable, welcome to Party Central.. but I’ve just got to say, I think you guys are the greatest band in the world!
Garth: Without a doubt! Without a doubt!
Wayne: Garth! Aerosmith are here!
Wayne & Garth: Whoaaaaaaaaa!!!
Wayne: We told a lot of people that you guys were gonna be on the show.. right? And they had a lot of questions, right? So, here are the Top 3 Questions they had for Aerosmith, alright? Question #1: “Is it true you guys don’t do drugs or alcohol any more?”
Joe Perry: Yeah, man, that’s right. No drugs, no alcohol.Feels great.
Wayne: No way!
Joe Perry: Way.
Wayne: No.. way!
Joe Perry: Way!
Wayne: Okay! Okay, Garth, go ahead.
Garth: Okay, the next question is for Steven: “Are those really your lips, or are they lip implants like Barbara Hershey had in the movie ‘Beaches’?”
Steven Tyler: They’re mine, man!
Wayne: Bitchin’! Bitchin’ lips!
Wayne: Cool.. Lipmeister. Okay: “With the recent developments in Eastern Europe, do you think that Communism is on the decline, or is this just a temporary setback?”
Steven Tyler: Wow, man, that’s a hard question.. But I have torespond with a qualified yes. Although it seems that Socialism is in repose, until you repsoe the Stalinist era apparatchiks, there will be no real change in the Soviet Union.
Tom Hamilton: No, I disagree, man. There’s never been ablueprint for the dictatorship of the Proletariats, so there’s bound to be mistakes. However, if you study history, you’ll see that since the rise of the nationship, Socialism has been a historic inevitability.. dude.
Garth: Excellent! Excellent!
Wayne: Fascinating. Okay, we’re just about out of time, right? But it’s always been my fantasy to play with you guys. And I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind singing the “Wayne’s World” theme with me?
[ Aerosmith agrees, so they and Wayne ready their guitars ]
Wayne & Aerosmith: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!
Chicks go mental when we go down the street! It’s Wayne and Garth who they want to meet! Yeah, we’re in the basement playing with our toys! And if you do not like it, you’re a Sphincter Boy!
Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!”
Donald Trump…..Phil Hartman Ivana Trump…..Jan Hooks Voice on Intercom…..Victoria Jackson
[ Ivana Trump storms into Donald Trump’s office at the Trump Plaza ]
Donald: Hello, Ivana. You know, I’m surprised to see you. I didn’t think we had anything to talk about.
Ivana: [ laughing ] I think we do, Donald. You see, I have no intention.. of settling for $25 million.
Donald: Well, darling, I’m afraid you’ll have to. You did sign a prenuptial agreement. [ Donald drops a very large book onto his table ] Ivana: A contract doesn’t worry me. I’ll fight it!
Donald: Well, you’re welcome to try, but Section 1 clearly states, and I quote: “In the event of a divorce, the Party of the Second Part, Mrs. Ivana Trump, will receive $25 million. Under no circumstances, and at no time, and in no country, may she request more.” Now, this is your signature and thumbprint, isn’t it?
Ivana: Well, yes, of course, you know it is. But that contract isn’t valid. You have a mistress, Donald!
Donald: Okaay.. I must remind you, Ivana.. [ leafing through contract ] ..that according to Section 5, Paragraph 2, I’m allowed to have mistresses, provided they are younger than you.
Ivana: Donald, do you actually think that I am going to take this lying down?! [ laughing nervously ]
Donald: Well.. [ leafing through contract ] ..in Section 5, you did agree to, “Take this lying down,” and “Let me walk all over you,” and then, where is it.. oh, yeah.. “Thank me, and ask for more.”
Ivana: Okay, Donald. Okay, you win. I’ll take the $25 million. But you had better believe that I am going to get EVERY CENT!
Donald: Yes. As long as you are aware that you will be paid in the giant stone coins of the Yapp Islanders.
Ivana: [ furious ] It can’t say that! It CAN’T say that!
Donald: [ showing her ] Right there. I got it from Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.
Ivana: Okay, Donald, but you just wait until I write my book, ha ha!
Donald: I should tell you that all the sordid details of this divorce are my property, and will be incorporated into my board game.
Ivana: [ crying ] Oh, Donald..
Donald: You know, Ivana, in a way, I’m disappointed. I mean, I really thought beating you would be much more of a challenge, it was.. so easy. [ Ivana cries harder ] I mean, do you realize how badly you’ve been beaten? You were easier than Merv! I mean, think of it: here you are, the mother of my children, a partner in my business, and you’re getting so little! Look, Ivana, let’s make this interesting. I’ll give you a double or nothing proposition, you’ve got two seconds.
Ivana: [ quickly agreeing ] Okay, okay..
Donald: [ placing cards on the table ] Find the red queen. [ singing ] Find the red queen. You know what I mean. There she is, now where’d she go? Keep your eye on the lady, and then you’ll know. It’s a red queen, you know what I mean. Find the lady, and you’ll get the green..
Ivana: [ deciding ] Okay.. that one, that one!
Donald: [ picks up card, reveals a jack of spades ] Oh, too bad, you lose! Nothing for you.
Voice on Intercom: [ buzzing in ] Mr. Trump, you wanted me to remind you about the “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Donald: Oh, yeah. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!
Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks Bill…..Phil Hartman Nurse…..Victoria Jackson
Jingle: “Mr. Short-Term Memory. He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree. Now there’s just no remedy. He’ll frustrate you so But he’ll never know. Because he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Hospital”.
[ segue into Mr. Short-Term Memory entering his friend Bill’s hospital room with some flowers ]
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. Hey, Bill, I, I came as soon as I heard about your leg.
Bill: Thank you, Jeff, I really appreciate that.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Appreciate what?
Bill: Well, that you came as soon as you heard.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Heard what? I don’t like the tone of your voice.
Bill: Well, that I broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no, Bill, that’s terrible! How did that happen?
Bill: Okay, get this. You know, we got all this snow last night.. so, I got the ladder out this morning and I was up on the roof sweeping the snow off with a broom. The ladder slipped on some ice and.. bam! I went down, broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What? Oh, no! You broke your leg! Bill, that’s terrible! How did it happen?
Bill: I was on the roof getting snow off with a broom, and I fell.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, my God! We’ve got to get you to a hospital!
Bill: Jeff, we’re in a hospital.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, then, we’ve got to get you a nurse. Nurse! Hello! Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse: [ rushes in ] What’s the matter?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What’s the matter? We’ve just got a man with a broken leg here.
Nurse: [ confused ] I was just here. What do you want me to do for him?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Do for who?
Nurse: [ pause ] I’ll come back later.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ turns to Bill ] So, Bill, it’s 2:00! What the hell are you still doing in bed?
Bill: I, uh.. broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no! That’s awful!
Bill: Yeah, it is.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: How did it happen?
Bill: I fell.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: That’s it? That’s it? You fell? Come on, there’s gotta be more to it than that.
Bill: Okay. I was up on the roof and I was cleaning snow off when the ladder slipped and..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Wait, wait, wait, look, look, pal. I’ve got my troubles, too. I don’t go telling them to every stranger I meet.
Bill: Jeff, it’s me. Bill.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, Bill! Oh, no! This is terrible! Could we get a nurse for this person? Nurse! Hello! Nurse!
Nurse: [ rushes back in ] What’s the matter?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What’s the matter? Hello there. I thought you might like to meet your patient. Nurse, patient. Patient, nurse. Now that I’ve broken the ice, maybe you two won’t be such strangers.
Nurse: [ angry ] Look, sir, I’m really busy, and I’d appreciate it if you would quit calling me.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, I would appreciate it if you didn’t keep interrupting us!
Bill: Well, Jeff, thanks for visiting me, your friend Bill, in the hospital because of my broken leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Huh? Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. No problem. [ looks at flowers ] Hey, Bill, these are, these are really beautiful flowers. I guess I should’ve brought you something.
Bill: Jeff, didn’t you bring me those flowers?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I.. yeah. [ grabs tag from flowers and rips it up nonchalantly ] Yeah, yeah, I sure did. I brought you those flowers, Bill. I sure did. That was me.
Bill: Hey, Jeff, could you do me a favor? Pull that screen around. I, I need to use my bedpan.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. [ pulls screen around Bill’s bed ]
Bill: Ah, thanks. I appreciate this, Jeff.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill? Bill, is that you that just called me? Bill? [ peeks behind screen ] Oh, my God, Bill! You lazy slob! Get up and use the bathroom!
Bill: I can’t! I broke my leg!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no! This is terrible! My buddy broke his leg! Don’t you worry. I’m going to get you some help. 911. [ dials phone ] Hello, hello, hello. This is an emergency. My friend’s hurt and I’ve got to get him to a hospital. What? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What? Why are you telling me this? Then why did you call me? I didn’t. I didn’t call.. [ hangs up phone ] some crank. So, Bill. Hey, it is 2:30! Rise and shine, sleepyhead!
Bill: Keep it down, Jeff. You’re in a hospital.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ frightened ] I’m in a hospital? Oh, no. Wh-what’s wrong with me?
Bill: There’s nothing wrong with you.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, don’t patronize me! I have a right to know! Why is everyone walking on eggshells? Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse: [ stomps into the room ] Look, you have done nothing but bother me, and all I have to say..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: You just give it to me straight. Am I dying?
Nurse: Of course you’re not dying.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I can take it. I can take it. I’m not? Oh, happy day! Happy day! I’m not gonna die. Do you hear that, world? I’m not gonna die! I’m gonna live! I’m gonna live. And I’m gonna make every second count.
[ Nurse looks at Bill ]
Bill: I’m sorry. He was hit by a pear.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill? Bill Tucker? [ returns to room ] Bill. I came as soon as I heard about your leg.
Jingle: “He’ll win you yet And then he’ll forget That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
Air Date:
