Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 13



Search Now:

89m: Tom Hanks / Aerosmith

Black History Moment

Andy Rooney … Phil Hartman

Don Pardo V/O: [over a graphic that reads: BLACKHISTORY MOMENT] NBC is proud to present another BlackHistory Moment. And now … Andy Rooney.

[Dissolve to elderly, gray-haired Andy Rooney, seatedat the desk in his cluttered office, addressing thecamera.]

Andy Rooney: February’s Black History Month in thisgreat multicultural nation of ours. I think I knowjust a little bit about history because, at themoment, I AM history. But did you know that GeorgeWashington Carver, a black man, introduced thecultivation of peanuts to America? He also inventedpeanut butter. He was a wonderful man. And did youever notice how peanut butter tastes better on darkbread? Dark beer is better, too. And black bean soupis much better than white bean. Dark is just better.And black is best. I’m Andy Rooney and I like blackpeople. I really do. … It’s fags I hate.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 13





Search Now:

89m: Tom Hanks / Aerosmith

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

…..Tom Hanks
Abraham Lincoln…..Bob Odenkirk

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tom Hanks!

Tom Hanks: [ limping ] I can’t believe this.. I’m hosting this show now for the fourth time, and just now I banged my knee on this thing backstage.. and it’s killing me, but I’ll be alright..

Dave Wilson: [ on overhead loudspeaker ] Tom? Are you okay?

Tom Hanks: Yes, Davy.. yes.. I’ll be fine. It’s swollen up a little bit.. but it’s gonna be alright. I’ll be fine.

Tom Hanks’ Inner Thoughts: Oh, God, it hurts! It hurt somuch! Why does it have to hurt this much?!

Dave Wilson: We can get somebody to look at it..

Tom Hanks: No! No! It’s alright! Stop making a fuss!

Tom Hanks’ Inner Thoughts: Dear, God.. I know you have been good to me.. “Splash, “Big”, “Turner & Hooch” – now out on cassette – but, please, grant me this one last request. Please make this pain stop! Please.. make.. this.. pain.. sto-o-p!

[ Tom collapses to the floor ]

Dave Wilson: [ in control room ] Oh, my God.. I think he’s dead.. [ the other Control Room operators put their fists in the mouthes ]

[ Tom’s Inner Self arises from his dead body ]

Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: Wow! I’m glad that’s over! Ahh.. I feel great! In fact, I feel wonderful! I’ve never felt so wonderful, so free, so light! All the pain is gone! [ he floats through the set [ Am I really light as air? Free of trouble, free of care? No more more worry, no more burden. All because my leg stopped hurtin’! [ floats over to his dead body ] Oh! Look at that poor man.. I wonder who he is? He looks so sad lying there.. But, still.. I feel wonderful! And I must tell the others! I must share my happiness with them! [ runs into the Control Room, where everyone is near tears ] Hello, everybody! Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Isn’t it wonderful! Isn’t it glorious! [ runs into the hall, where everyone is moving in slow motion ] What is going on? Why is everybody so agitated? What are these vibrations I’m feeling? Is something wrong? [ notices Victoria Jackson cryingin Phil Hartman’s arms ] Victoria, why are you crying? There’s nothing to be sad about. Everything is wonderful! Phil. Phil! Tell her everything is wonderful! Don’t you understand? Why don’t you answer me? You’re acting like you can’t even hear me!

Abraham Lincoln: [ offstage ] They can’t hear you, Tom.

Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: [ looking around ] What? What? Who said that? [ runs into the hall and finds Abraham Lincoln ] Mr. President, it’s you ! Tell me.. what’s happening? Why can’t I make them understand?

Abraham Lincoln: Because they exist on a different plane from us, Tom.

Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: You mean.. all that pain.. what happenedbackstage.. that I bumped my knee? I’m.. dead?

Abraham Lincoln: No, Tom. You’re an incredible pussy.

Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: I’m frightened, Mr. President.. I don’t like this place. I want to go back!

Abraham Lincoln: Then you must cling to life, Tom. You must want to live.

Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: Oh, but I do! I do, Mr. President. I want to live!

[ Tom spins through a spiral, then slowly wakes up where his body collapsed ]

Tom Hanks: Wow..! [ relieved ] Aw.. have we got a great show for you tonight! Aerosmith is here.. and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 17th, 1990

Tom Hanks

Aerosmith

None

Joe Dicso

Tom Davis

Conan O’Brien

Bob Odenkirk

Dave Wilson

Andy Murphy
Trump Prenuptial AgreementsSummary: Thanks to a slick prenuptial agreement, Ivana (Jan Hooks) won’t be getting anything from Donald Trump (Phil Hartman) following their divorce.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ivana Trump.

Transcript

Montage

Tom Hanks’ MonologueSummary: After banging his knee backstage, Tom Hanks falls dead and has an out-of-body experience.

Also Hosted: 85e, 87l, 88a, 90h, 91s, 96a, 05q.

Transcript

Red Square McDonald’s

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) relunctantly allows Garth’s (Dana Carvey) roadie cousin Barry (Tom Hanks) to be a guest just so he can get Aerosmith on the show.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Mrs. Campbell.

Transcript

Tales of RibaldryRecurring Characters: Evelyn Quince.

Aerosmith performs “Janie’s Got a Gun”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Mr. Short-Term MemorySummary: Mr. Short-Term Memory (Tom Hanks) absentmindedly visits a friend (Phil Hartman) in the hospital.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Short-Term Memory.

Transcript

Eye On Chest Hair

Jensen Syringe Company

The Mob

Jensen Syringe Company II

Aerosmith performs “Monkey on My Back”

Girl Watchers CruiseRecurring Characters: Girl Watchers.

Black History MomentTranscriptJensen Syringe Company III

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

We Are World

…..Quincy Jones
Tarzan…..Kevin Nealon
Tonto…..Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein…..Phil Hartman

Quincy Jones: Ladies and gentlemen, here are Tonto, Tarzan & Frankenstein, performing “We Are The World”.

[ dissolve to Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein singing ]

Tonto, Tarzan & Frankenstein: [ singing ]
“We are world
We are children
We are one who make bright day
Please start giving

There choice we make
Saving own lives
To make bright day, you, me”

Tonto: [ enthusiastic ] Whole audience, sing!

Tonto, Tarzan & Frankenstein: [ singing ]
“We are world
We are children
We are one who make bright day
Please start giving

There choice we make
Saving own lives
To make bright day, you, me”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

The Bob Waltman Special

Bob Waltman…..Kevin Nealon
Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn
Marion Barry…..Quincy Jones
Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: This Tuesday at nine, it’s “The Bob Waltman Special”. A rare look into the private world of some of the country’s biggest celebrities.

[ dissolve to file photo of Leona Helmesley accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]

Bob Waltman V/O: Billionairess Leona Helmesley. The self-annointed queen of the Helmesley hotel empire. She lived a life of opulence.. but, now, she faces charges of tax fraud that could put her behind bars for four years.

[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Leona Helmesley ]

Bob Waltman: You.. you’ve been called everything from the.. Wicked Witch of the West, to.. Tough Bitch. How does that make you feel.

Leona Helmseley: [ sternly ] I’m an executive. I’m a woman. I’m tough. So they call me a bitch.

Bob Waltman: Even with a new appeal, the likelihood of spending several years in a small prison cell, away from your lvoed ones.. that’s gotta hurt.

Leona Helmseley: It hurts. It, uh.. it’s unfair. [ brief sniff ]

Bob Waltman: No longer able to enjoy the luxuries that you worked so hard for, and deserve.

Leona Helmseley: It’s unfair, you know? It’s, uh.. [ another sniff ] Oh, come on here, wait a minute, you’re not gonna make me cry! I know that happens to a lot of your guests, but, uh.. after all, I do have to live up to my reputation. [ sniffs ]

Bob Waltman: Oh, no, no.. that’s all right. Everyone’s allowed to have emotions. Especially victims. Now.. as a child, you were abandoned by your parents?

Leona Helmseley: [ extended pause ] Yes. [ sniffs ]

Bob Waltman: And I understand that recently, you had to fly.. coach?

Leona Helmseley: [ breaks down into tears ]

Bob Waltman: And now they’re taking it all away from you. How does that make you feel?

[ Leona collapses into herself, unable to stop the flow of tears ]

[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]

[ dissolve back to title graphics ]

Announcer: “The Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.

[ dissolve to file photo of Marion Barry accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]

Bob Waltman V/O: Marion Barry. He was a talented politician who had risen to national prominence. Then, suddenly, his political career – like the crack he purchased from the FBI – went up in smoke. He’s determnied to tough it out. But is he tough enough?

[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Marion Barry ]

Bob Waltman: You were mayor of the nation’s capitol.. an inspiration for so many.. and, then.. the arrest.. the humiliation.

Marion Barry: Ve-ry unfortunate. But that’s behind me now, and I’m looking forward to clearing up my name and getting re-elected.

Bob Waltman: Yet, because of the harrassment and.. entrapment.. everything you’ve worked for is gone. Your career.. your family.. your reputation – all gone. And you can never get that back.

Marion Barry: [ with regret ] Yeah.. I-I guess, uh.. sometimes things just ha-happen. Uh.. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to- [ tries to hold back his tears ]

Bob Waltman: No, no, no,no.. that’s all right. There’s no, uh.. there’s no reason to be ashamed for showing our feelings. It’s okay. [ continues the interview ] Your future looks bleak.. your personal problems are mounting.. ever ask yourself “Why?”

Marion Barry: [ sniffs several times, then holds his hand to his nose for a giant snort ] Well, I-I-I, uh.. I-I think the biggest tragedy is that I let my family down.. [ sniffs, sniffs ]

Bob Waltman: Where do you see Marion Barry in three years?

Marion Barry: [ crying ] I-I don’t know-ow..

Bob Waltman: A broken man?

[ Marion Barry sniffs his way into more deep tears ]

[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]

[ dissolve back to title graphics ]

Announcer: Bob Waltman. Opening doors and touching hearts. No one gets closer.

[ dissolve to file photo of Tammy Faye Bakker accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]

Bob Waltman V/O: Tammy Faye Bakker. PTL survivor, supporter and wife of Jim Bakker.

[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Tammy Faye Bakker ]

Bob Waltman: Tammy, you–

[ mascara already running, Tammy immediately breaks down into a heap of tears ]

[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]

[ dissolve back to title graphics ]

Announcer: Bob Waltman. No one gets closer.

[ dissolve to file photo of Ronald Reagan ccompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]

Bob Waltman V/O: Ronald Reagan. Sportcaster-turned movie star-turned fortieth President of the United States-turned private citizen. Certainly a proud and illustrous career. He has everything in the world to be happy about. But is he?

[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Ronald Reagan ]

Bob Waltman: Mr. President. Did you hear about the little girl who lost her parents in that plane crash?

Ronald Reagan: [ appearing lost ] Well.. no, I didn’t. Nancy and I have been busy setting up camp in Los Angeles. She has a book out, you know?

Bob Waltman: Hmm. What about the fathers, that were left behind on the Titanic? Kissing their children goodbye for the last time?

Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’ve often though how those men were.. heroes. And, luckily, they.. build boats better now.

Bob Waltman: Any regrets in your life, Mr. President?

Ronald Reagan: No, I’m very happy, no complaints.

Bob Waltman: What if anything ever happened to Nancy? you-you ever think about that?

Ronald Reagan: [ thinking ] Well.. no. Nancy’s got her ,i>book, you know? I.. I worked with Errol Flynn in the pictures. now, that’s when Hollywood was magic!

Bob Waltman: Whast if you go first.. and Nancy is left alone?

Ronald Reagan: Well.. [ rubbing his eyes as a strange mist floats through the air ] Now.. Nancy stays.. pretty busy thiese days.. dinner parties for her book tour..

Bob Waltman: Mmm-hmm. Knowing it will never be the way it was.

[ camera cuts to long-shot to reveal Bob wearing a face mask as he holds a canister of tear gas (clearly labeled) beneath Reagan’s body ]

Ronald Reagan: Well, I.. I, uh.. I, uh.. [ changes thought ] Pat O’Brien! [ rubs his eyes ] Oh, boy..

Bob Waltman: It’s okay, we all have feelings.

[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile underneath his protective face mask to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]

[ dissolve back to title graphics ]

Announcer: The “Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller

Music Intro: “Oh! You Pretty Things”, David Bowie.

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

Nelson Mandela will be released tomorrow, from a South African camp. This photo of Mandela, taken nearly three decades ago, is the world’s last image of the anti-Aprtheid leader. To ease the shock of seeing what 27 years in a South African prison can do to a man, Pictoria released this picture today: [ old image of Nelson Mandela cuts to a fresh photo of Dick Clark ]

Dennis Miller: Brutal. Okay, um.. alright. [ looking at camera, but points back to the green screen for his next joke ] Um.. no, no. That’s not the right joke, we’re gonna do this joke. [ image of Andy Rooney appears ] Thank you, guys. Uh.. [ in his best Andy Rooney voice ] “Did’ja ever put your foot in your mouth?”

Andy Rooney denied he was a racist, and pointed to his earlier work in TV, including the popular “Amos ‘N Andy Rooney Show”.

Hundreds of thousands of Russians marched in Moscow this week, as loudspeakers blarewd the new Soviet national anthem:

Song:: Theeee.. party’sssss.. overrrrrr.. It’s time to call it a dayyyyy…”

Due to the unstable nature of the Communist ideology, the Russians this week made a minor change in their official symbol. [ hammer and sickle stand upright in the shape of a question mark ]

And.. according to the Washington Post, the United States has finally regained its international leadership. As of this week, we’re the only country in the world with a Communist party.

Dennis Miller: John Gotti, reputedly the nation’s top Mafia boss, has scored his third court victory in four years yesterday. A New York Supreme Court jury found Gotti not guilty of assault and conspiracy charges. Don Pardo, tell ’em what the jury has won!

[ game show music pots up ]

Don Pardo: [ over picture of luggage ] Dennis, the Gotti jury will get a complete set of matching Samsonite luggage! Preferred by smart juries everywhere, just in time for their world cruise!

Dennis Miller: Love-ly!

Don Pardo: [ over picure of cruise ship ] Yes, Dennis! Thanks to Mario Perillo, they’ll sail away on a Perillo luxury cruise liner! Dressed in a complete travel wardrobe of fasion from the House of Gambino. Foremost in traveling clothes!

Dennis Miller: And where are they going, Don?

Don Pardo: [ oer picture of Rome ] Dennis, they’ll sail to exotic Rome, Italy! Where they’ll bask in luxury accomodations, having the time of their lives!

Dennis Miller: How long will they be gone, Don?

Don Pardo: Until the next tri-ial, Dennis!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Don Pardo!

[ Dennis pulls out a paperweight haped like a hand with a knife stuck through it ]

Jurors will also receive this commemorative Luca Brasi paperweight.. to, uh.. constantly remind them of what a wise decision they made.

You know, I just wanted to tell you, because Quincy’s here this week, and I did a little research. I looked in to see what my rap name is, and.. uh.. oddly enough, my rap name is also Dennis Miller.

You know.. while visiting Panama last week, Vice-President Quayle was given an up-close and personal demonstration of jungle warfare that proves properly-camoflauged soldiers can easily blend in with deadwood.

And, President Bush joked this week with Topp’s baseball card company president Arthur Shorin, after receiving a book of baseball cards and bubble gum at a meeting in the Oval Office. Shorin said, after the past eight years, it was nice to give bubble gum to a president and know that it wouldn’t interfere with his walking.

And President Bush, this week, defended his decision to attend a February 15th drug summit in Colombia, and said he would not do anything stupid or macho. Bush also appointed Mayor Mario Barry to chair a committee to see if there are more drugs in Colombia.. or the District of Columbia.

President Bush, this week, took time to pose knowingly with three devices that he has absolutely no clue about.

And, according to biological experts in Brownville, Texas, killer bees are now 150 miles from the Texas border and heading north. The bigconcern in Texas is that the bees will take jobs from Americans.

One final note in the Superbowl: While nobody watched the second half and wouldn’t have been aware of this fact, the game was so lop-sided that 49er quarterback Joe Montana agreed to play the second half on one leg.

[ over a picture of a ferocious-looking otter situated in a swamp ] An older, but nonetheless feisty, Mark Sptiz this week reiterated his intention to participate in the 1992 Summer Olympics.

Dennis Miller: Nice to see he’s growing the moustache back.

You know, it was annouced this week by ABC’s TV program chief that the new half-hour Elvis Presley sitcom has ballooned to a one-hour show.

And a warrant is out today for Eddie Antar, the founder of the Crazy Eddie chain, for illegally taking $52 million of the company’s money Naturally, Eddie’s lawyers say they’ll plead insanity.

And.. one of last month’s Avianca crash victims was found to have swallowed several cocaine-filled condoms. However, smugglnig has been ruled out, as that was the in-flight meal on Avianca Flight 52.

Dennis Miller: “Stewardess? I’ll have the ribbed!”

And.. Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue came out this week, and included candid shots of Wayne Gretzky, Joe Montana, and Magic Johnson.

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am out of here!

Music Out: “Oh! You Pretty Things”, David Bowie.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Driving Miss Daisy

Miss Daisy…..Jan Hooks
Hoak…..Quincy Jones
Boolie…..Phil Hartman

[ open on footage of car driving down the road ]

[ dissolve to car interior, grumpy Miss Daisy sitting in the back seat, as chauffeur Hoak mans the steering wheel in the front ]

Hoak: Sure is a beautiful day, isn’t it, Miss Daisy?

Miss Daisy: You be quiet! Wouldn’t know what it’s like outside, you’re driving too fast for me to see anything!

Hoak: Now, Miss Daisy.. the speed limit’s 25 miles an hour, and I’m only going five.

Miss Daisy: Well, it’s too fast! I like to go backwards. And look here – you keep your eyes on the road!

Hoak: Now, Miss Daisy, I’m a grown man, and I know how to drive.

Miss Daisy: Well, then, why are we going to the Puggly Wiggly this way? I always take Mulberry Road.

Hoak: But Mulberry Road’s in Alabama, Miss Daisy.

Miss Daisy: Well.. it’s the way I’ve always gone!

Hoak: [ has now had enough ] Miss Daisy? You know what your problem is?

Miss Daisy: No, Hoak. But I imagine you’re gonna tell me.

Hoak: Well.. it seems to me like you an old, ugly, dried-up sack of fertilizer, Miss Daisy.

Miss Daisy: That is the last straw, Hoak! I’m tired of your backtalk! You are fired!

Hoak: You can’t fire me, Miss Daisy! ‘Cause I quit! [ casually steps out of the moving vehicle ]

Miss Daisy: [ now fearing for her life without a driver behind the wheel ] Hoak! Hoak! You get back in this car!!! [ screams ]

[ cut to stock Toonces footage of white car flipping over the side of a cliff, crashing to the ground below ]

[ dissolve to Miss Daisy cooped up in bed, as her son Boolie enters the room ]

Miss Daisy: Boolie? Is that you?

Boolie: How you feelin’, Mama?

Miss Daisy: Oh! Well, just fine. I’m ready to go on out to the Piggly Wiggly now. Have you found a driver for me yet, boy?

Boolie: Yes, I did, Mama. It wasn’t easy findin’ out that wouldn’t talk back, but I managed.

Miss Daisy: Wellll.. you’re a good boy, Boolie. What’s his name?

Boolie: I’m not sure, Mama.. he gave me his card here, but it’s.. kinda hard to read.

Miss Daisy: [ glancing at the card quizzically ] Hmm..

[ dissolve to opening Toonces theme ]

Jingle:
“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car! Tonight’s episode: “Driving Miss Daisy”.

[ dissolve to Miss Daisy in the back seat, with Toonces at the wheel in front ]

Miss Daisy: Now, this is much, much better! No backtalk! I can just relax, and enjoy mysaelf at last! [ looks out the window, suddenly filled with worry ] Excuse me? Where are you going? You just.. you just passed the Piggly Wiggly! Now, you turn this car around, right now, do you understand me? Turn around! [ Toonces hits the pedal instead ] You’re going too fast! Slow down!! [ screams as the car twists out of control ]

[ cut to stock Toonces footage of white car flipping over the side of a cliff, crashing to the ground below ]

Jingle:
He drives around
all over the town.
Toonces the Driving Cat.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Sharing The Swimsuit Issue

Tarzan…..Kevin Nealon
Tonto…..Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein…..Phil Hartman

[ Tonto sits at kitchen table, as Tarzan enters and pours a cup of coffee ]

Tarzan: Mmm. Good coffee. Change brand?

Tonto: No. Tonto clean pot.

Tarzan: Where Frankenstein?

Tonto: Him at mailbox again.

Tarzan: Frankenstein lurk at mailbox all week.

Tonto: Maybe him expect important letter.

Tarzan: Hmm.

[ Frankenstein meanders into the room, hiding a mystery object behind his back ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein! Any mail for Tarzan!

Frankenstein: Ugh!

Tarzan: Then.. what hide behind back? Show Tarzan!

[ Frankenstein relunctantly reveals the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ]

Tarzan: Ooh-h-h! Swimsuit Issue!

Tonto: Hmm. Tonto get second.

Tarzan: Tarzan pay for subscription, Tarzan look first!

Frankenstein: [ pleading ] Friend! Friend! Friend!

Tarzan: Frankenstein right. Him share first look with two best friends.

Tonto: Put magazine table. That way all can see.

[ Frankenstein raises table up with one hand, clearing the surface for the vantage of viewing the magazine collectively ]

Frankenstein: Ugh! Ugh! Uggggghhhh!!

[ Tonto and Tarzan share the excitement with Frankenstein ]

Tarzan: Jane had body like that once. Before Boy.

Frankenstein: Uggghhhh!!

Tarzan: Hmm. Tarzan buy.. swimsuit for Jane like that.

Tonto: Hmm. How Jane look in suit?

Tarzan: [ woeful ] Jane never wear for Tarzan.

[ Tazan flips through numerous full-page ads, as Frankenstein vividly grunts his disappointment ]

Tonto: Many ads, this issue.

Frankenstein: Ba-a-a-add!

Tarzan: No, Frankenstein! Advertising not bad! Advertising help sell swimsuit issue!

Frankenstein: Ugh!

Tarzan: [ points at magazine ] Look! There four-wheel drive vehicle Tonto want!

[ Frankenstein continues to grunt ]

Tonto: Tonto agree, Frankstein. Get to good part!

[ they all grunt their excitement over the magazine ]

Tonto: This look interesting.

[ Frankenstein gets excited at the pictures ]

Tonto: Mmm. Magazine say this woman six-foot-one. Oh-h-h! Tonto live on her like reservation!

Tarzan: Tarzan not throw her out of tree for eating cracker!

[ Frankstein grabs at a page he likes, and throws himself on top the table over it ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein! Get hold of self!

Tonto: Frankenstein embarrass Tonto! See Tarzan? Him enjoying magazine, not disgrace self.

[ Tarzan pulls Frankstein up on his feet ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein must understand swimsuit issue. Fantasy! Dream! Not real!

Frankenstein: Ugggghhhh!

Tarzan: Yes. See? [ flips through the pages ] Them not real. This woman not look that good real life. Not dressed this way!

Tonto: Tonto read many thousand picture taken. Editor need make-up.. many hour.. Lighting create illusion.. pefrect woman.

Frankenstein: [ growls ]

Tarzan: Beside.. Tarzan, Tonto, Frankenstein.. just regular guys. Never meet this kind women.

[ Frankenstein crumbles into tears ]

Tonto: But.. does not mean three guys can’t have good time looking.

Frankenstein: Good! Bad!

[ the trio sit back down to leaf through the swimsuit issue, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Pumping Up with Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on “Pumping Up with Hans & Franz” logo over image of a red heart ]

Announcer: And now, a special Valentine’s Day presentation from Hans & Franz.

[ dissolve to Hans & Franz on their set ]

Hans: Good evening. Once again, I am Hans.

Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.

Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap their hands ] ..you up.

Hans: You know, Valentine’s Day is coming. But just because we are alone tonight, don’t be thinking we are losers.

Franz: Ya! We could very easily come out here with a lovely liebchen on each arm, but what would that prove?

Hans: Ya! It would only provoke a flabulance of jealousy and envy!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. Valentine’s Day is a time for serious reflection.

Hans: Ya. Time to consider the relationship between a man and his most important love.

Together: His muscles!

Hans: Happy Valentine’s Day, muscles!

Franz: This one’s for you.

[ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ]
“You’re just too pumped to be true
Not one ounce of flab from you.
You’re just like heaven to touch
I want to hold you so much.”

Hans: [ singing variant of Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called To Say I Love You” ]
“I just called
To say
I pumped you!
I just called
To say how big you are!”

Franz: [ singing variant of Andy William’s “Theme From Love Story” ]
“Where do I begin
You’re to tell a story of the flab that I have seen.”

Hans: [ singing cariant of The Commodores’ “Three Times A Lady” ]
“You’re once.. twice..
Three times the size of a normal muscle!”

Franz: [ singing variant of Frank Sinatra’s “Stranger In The Night” ]
“Losers in the night
Exchanging flab.
Muscles are not tight
You know, their tone is bad.”

Hans: [ singing variant of Richard Harris’ “MacArthur Park” ]
“Someone left his buttocks in the rain
I don’t think they can be tightened
And it makes me very frightened!
‘Cause I’ll never have that pumpitude agaaaaaaiiiinnnnn!
Oh, noooooooo!!
Oh, noooooooo!!”

Together: [ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ]
“I love you, muscle!
And, if it’s quite alright..
“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Goodnights

…..Quincy Jones

Quincy Jones: Now I know how Mike Tyson feels, after this show. I want to thank everybody.. and the audience.. the greatest band, the greatest staff, the gretest artists. I love you, good night!

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