Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14

88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close’s Monologue

…..Glenn Close
…..William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I’m really excited, I’m really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part – the monologue – is something I’ve really been dreading.. um.. I’ve been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my `Mom always said, “Just don’t talk about yourself, it’s rude to talk about yourself, especially in public.” So, you know, I’ve never felt comfortable doing it – I don’t feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I’ve already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I’ve asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt’s entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn’t much time, and a lot to cover, so let’s get started. I’ve known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she’s right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: “Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work.” And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night – always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I’m a friend of Glenn’s, so I’m prejudiced – but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America’s hardest-working actres, she’s also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14

88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close’s Monologue

…..Glenn Close
…..William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I’m really excited, I’m really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part – the monologue – is something I’ve really been dreading.. um.. I’ve been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my `Mom always said, “Just don’t talk about yourself, it’s rude to talk about yourself, especially in public.” So, you know, I’ve never felt comfortable doing it – I don’t feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I’ve already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I’ve asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt’s entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn’t much time, and a lot to cover, so let’s get started. I’ve known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she’s right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: “Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work.” And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night – always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I’m a friend of Glenn’s, so I’m prejudiced – but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America’s hardest-working actres, she’s also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14

88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close’s Monologue

…..Glenn Close
…..William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I’m really excited, I’m really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part – the monologue – is something I’ve really been dreading.. um.. I’ve been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my `Mom always said, “Just don’t talk about yourself, it’s rude to talk about yourself, especially in public.” So, you know, I’ve never felt comfortable doing it – I don’t feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I’ve already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I’ve asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt’s entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn’t much time, and a lot to cover, so let’s get started. I’ve known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she’s right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: “Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work.” And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night – always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I’m a friend of Glenn’s, so I’m prejudiced – but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America’s hardest-working actres, she’s also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14

88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close’s Monologue

…..Glenn Close
…..William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I’m really excited, I’m really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part – the monologue – is something I’ve really been dreading.. um.. I’ve been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my `Mom always said, “Just don’t talk about yourself, it’s rude to talk about yourself, especially in public.” So, you know, I’ve never felt comfortable doing it – I don’t feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I’ve already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I’ve asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt’s entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn’t much time, and a lot to cover, so let’s get started. I’ve known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she’s right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: “Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work.” And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night – always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I’m a friend of Glenn’s, so I’m prejudiced – but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America’s hardest-working actres, she’s also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 25th, 1989

Glenn Close

Gipsy Kings

None

William Hurt
Bookstore Under SiegeTranscript

Montage

Glenn Close’s MonologueSummary: Glenn Close asks friend William Hurt to tell the audience more about her.

Bio: Glenn Close (1947-). Film and stage actress; 1984 Tony Award winner for “The Real Thing”; films include: “The Big Chill” (1983), “Fatal Attraction” (1987), “Dangerous Liaisons” (1988).

Also Hosted: 92i.

Bio: William Hurt (1950-). Actor; Academy Award winning Best Actor for “Kiss of the Spider Woman” (1985); other films include: “Body Heat” (1981), “The Big Chill” (1983), “Broadcast News” (1987).

Transcript

Big RedNote: Repeat from: 88g.

Alex’s Support GroupSummary: Support group members find discomfort in Alex’s (Glenn Close) romantic stalking quest.

Recurring Characters: Brad.

Transcript

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) play a clip from their fantasy dinner date video.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz, Helmut.

Gipsy Kings perform “Bamboleo”Bio: French Rumba Catalana band; members: Nicolas Reyes, Paul Reyes, Canut Reyes, Patchai Reyes, Andre Reyes, Diego Baliardo, Paco Baliardo, Tonino Baliardo.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: George Michael.

Transcript

49th Annual Westminster Mad Dog Show

Circle Mad Dog FoodRecurring Characters: Wilford Brimley.

Master ThespianRecurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Nine Different LevelsTranscript

Gipsy Kings perform “Djobi Djoba”

Jealous of Janelle

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Beev…..Phil Hartman
Nancy…..Jan Hooks
Caller…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Okay, like, welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Alright, here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, man, it’s time to party! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Now, let’s bring out our first guest! His name is Beev, and he owns Wishing Well convenience store! So, here’s Beev! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!”

[ Beev walks downstairs slowly, then sits between Wayne and Garth ]

Hi, Beev! how are you, man?

Beev: I’m alright, Wayne, how are you?

Wayne: Excellent!

Beev: How are you, Garth?

Garth: Excellent, Dad!

Garth: Bonus! So, Beev, what gives? How come you moved the pop cooler from the back of the store all the way to the front of the store, huh?

Beev: Well, Wayne, as you know, Wishing Well convenience store has experienced a rash of.. shoplifting lately. Especially of the.. soft drinks! So I thought I’d move the cooler to the front of the store, where I can keep an eye on it.

Wayne: Alright, that’s a great idea, good work, Beev. But, Garth, I’ve got a question for you. Your dad is Beev, right?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: At home, is he a goof, or what? I mean, does he tell you not to do stuff, like read the magazines, and stuff?

Garth: Sometimes, you know, he’s just a normal dad, you know, but I wish he’d get his teeth fixed, so people wouldn’t keep calling him the “Beev”, it’s really bogus.

Wayne: [ laughs ] Okay, now it’s time for Wayne’s Top Ten! [ jams ] “Wayne’s Top Ten! Top Ten! Party Time! Top Ten!” Alright, tonight’s Top Ten topic is the Top Ten Things That Beev Says.

Alright, number ten: “Hey, you kids, buy something or leave.”

Number nine: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number eight: “Either you empty out your pockets or you are banned from the store.”

Number seven: “Should’nt you kids be in class?”

Number six: “Eat your junk food outside the store.”

Number five: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number four: “Wayne’s the coolest guy in the world.”

Number three: “All the chicks dig Wayne big time.”

Number two: “I wish I could be as cool as Wayne.”

And number one: “Hi, my name is Beev.. I’m a big fag.”

Beev: [ angry, stands ] You little punk! You’re banned from the store, you long-haired freak!

Garth: [ aghast ] Hey, Wayne.. that’s, like, my dad, dude!

Wayne: Alright, take a pill, alright, I’m joking, okay! Don’t go mental!

Beev: I’ll see you at home, Garth! [ exits upstairs ]

Garth: Later, Dad.. Wayne, you goof! I can’t believe it!

Wayne: Garth, chill, okay? Alright, Beev can’t stay, he has other commitments. So let’s bring out our next guest. Her name is Nancy, she’s an excellent babe, please welcome Nancy! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!” [ Nancy jumps on the couch ] Hi, Nancy, how are you, babe?

Nancy: Hi, I’m okay, Wayne, you?

Wayne: Good, good.. Okay, let’s get to the point – do you stuff?

Nancy: No. But I know who does.

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Who?

Nancy: Sally.. Susan..

Garth: Susan?! What a gypola, man!

Nancy: Yeah.

Wayne: Okay, the next question is – do you like Garth?

Garth: Aw, shut up, you gimp!

Nancy: [ laughs hysterically ] No-o! I have a boyfriend!

Wayne: What do chicks think about us?

Nancy: Well.. a lot of girls like Garth, because he’s real quiet. But most girls think you’re conceited, Wayne.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Uh-huh. Way.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Way! Sorry! You think you’re so cool, just because yu’ve got a show.

Wayne: Man, that is so bogus!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Well, if you think I’m conceited, you’re wrong, alright?

Nancy: Uh-uh.

Wayne: Because I’m just trying to impress you, because I.. really like you, you know? I think you’re an excellent person, I think you’re great. I love you in every way. [ sings “Dream Weaver” ]

Nancy: [ touched ] Really?

Wayne: Fished in!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: [ mimes reeling in a two-punder ]

Garth: We caught us a 100-pound chick, dude! Get the net, man!

Nancy: Shut up! you guys are gross! All the girls think you’ve got the mugs, anyway.

Wayne: Shyea, right!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Hey, Nancy..!

Nancy: What?

Wayne: ..sucks!

Nancy: I’m going away, you guys are goofs, I’m getting out of here. [ exits upstairs ]

Wayne: Alright, later, Nance. Alright, let’s go to the phone, okay? Hello, you’re on the air, welcome to “Wayne’s World”.

Caller: Hey, Wayne, man, I am grossed out!

Wayne: Grossed out? Why, what happened?

Caller: I was neking with my girlfriend, and she blew chunks on me!

Wayne & Garth: Oh, man, that’s gross, dude!

Caller: Tell me about it! These big, gnarly chunks!

Wayne: Alright, stay calm, man, stay calm.. I have a question.

Caller: Okay, what?

Wayne: Alreight, do you still have puke on your face?

Caller: No, I washed it off!

Garth: Did you change your shirt, dude?

Caller: Yeah!

Wayne: Okay, where’s your girlfriend now? Are you in danger of being puked on again?

Caller: No, no, man, she passed out.

Wayne: [ excited ] Ex-cell-ent!

Garth: You’re golden, dude!

Caller: What do you.. ohhhhh.. now I see what you guys are getting at! Alright, see you later! [ chanting ] Wayne’s Word! Wayne’s World!

Wayne: Alright, see you later! Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week. Until then, good night, party onnnn!!

Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice

Mr. Subliminal…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Leslie Nielsen
Bartender…..Jon Lovitz
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Policeman…..Phil Hartman

[ Ted walks into a bar with Mr. Subliminal ]

Mr. Subliminal: Two beers, please.

Ted: I just can’t get the hang of it..

Mr. Subliminal: That’s because it’s new to you. Believe me, Ted, subliminal advertising can be very, very effective.

Bartender: Alright, gentlemen, here’s your beers.

Mr. Subliminal: Thanks, partner – on the house – that was quick – on the house – what do we owe you?

Bartender: Uh.. forget about it – on the house!

Mr. Subliminal: Oh? Thank you very much! Hey.. you know something – free cash – this is a real classy place – free cash – first time we’ve been here.

Bartender: Oh, I’m glad you like it. I’ve been working here for years.

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, no kidding- free cash – that’s great!

Bartender: [ opens cash register and drops cash on the counter ] Here ya go.

Mr. Subliminal: What’s this for?

Bartender: It’s free cash, take it.

Ted: [ chuckles ] This is a real nice place!

Mr. Subliminal: No, really – free cash – we can’t take this – your wallet – I mean, what would we do with it?

Bartender: Well, don’t be ridiculous! [ drops his wallet on the counter ] Here, you take my wallet, you can put it in there!

Mr. Subliminal: Well, okay, if you insist! [ takes wallet, turns to Ted ] You see?

Ted: See what?

Mr. Subliminal: [ spots an attractive Woman on the next barstool ] Hi! Come here often?

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, come on. That’s the oldest line in the book.

Mr. Subliminal: Hey, sorry if I was out of line – lonely – I just thought that you might – lonely – you know, like to talk.

Woman: Well.. I am feeling a little.. lonely. It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of guys hitting on me all the time, you know?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, believe me – hot sex – I’m not hitting on you – hot sex – I just can, you know, understand that lonely feeling!

Woman: [ nods ] You do, don’t you?

Mr. Subliminal: Sure do.

Woman: You seem like a very sensitive man.

Mr. Subliminal: Well..

Woman: And.. sexy, too! [ giggles ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ turns and whispers to Ted ] You gonna get the hang of it?

Ted: Uh.. yeah..

Mr. Subliminal: [ to Woman ] The name’s Phil, Phil Maloney – kiss me – and it’s a real plasure meeting you – kiss me – a real pleasure!

Woman: [ quickly jumps in and kisses him ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ catches his breath ] What was that for – your place – I mean, that was nice – your place – I mean, and you are..?

Woman: I’m Wanda! What do you say we go to my place?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, great!

Woman: It’s a five-story walk-up, I hope you don’t mind..

Mr. Subliminal: Mind? – hotel – No, I don’t mind – luxury hotel – maybe I’ll lose some weight – your treat – [ laughs ].

Woman: Better yet – how about we go away to a luxury hotel – I’ll pay! How about that?

Mr. Subliminal: Great idea – horny – there’s one right around the corner – handcuffs – let’s go!

Woman: Okay, let’s go!

Mr. Subliminal: Okay, then – spank me – let’s go1

[ they rush out of the bar ]

[ a beautiful woman sits next to Ted ]

Ted: Ahhhhh, yeah, I think I’m beginning to see.. [ notices the woman next to him ] Yeah..

Policeman: [ enters bar ] Alright! Who owns the white volvo out front?

Ted: Uh.. that’s mine, Officer. Is there a problem?

Policeman: Yeah, it’s a $50 problem. You parked in front of a fire hydrant. Let me see your license.

Ted: Uh.. oh, yeah, sure, Officer.. Uh.. to be honest, Officer – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – TIE ME UP! – it was dark.

Policeman: What did you say?

Ted: I said – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – SPANK ME! – it was dark.

Policeman: Hot sex? Spank me? Alright, pervert, come on, you’re going downtown! [ drags Ted away ]

Ted: Uh, no, Officer, please – KISS ME! Officer, no – KISS ME! Officer, no – HORNY! Please – YOUR PLACE! Officer..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Geritech

Stagehand…..Bob Van Ry
…..Leslie Nielsen

Stangehand: Here are the script changes, Mr. Neilsen.

Leslie Neilsen: Thank you, Bobby. [ puts script down, looks at camera ] Hello. I’m Leslie Neilsen, liver spot sufferer. You know, people ask me, “Leslie, after so many years in television and movies, are you at all embarrassed about appearing in ads for Blotch-Off?” [ holds up product ] A livder spot remover from Geritech that works while you sleep. The answer is no, becuse Blotch-Off really works. You see, I used to covered with ugly, embarrassing old-age spots. you see, that could be a real problem in my profession.

[ walks over to second product ]

Not as big a problem, however, as a loss of bladder control. Now, imagine doing a scene with some lovely young actress, and soiling both your costume and hers. Now, that can be embarrassing. That’s why I wear Dripmaster.. [ holds product ] ..the undergarment from Geritech that takes the worry out of walking around. In fact, I’m relieving myself right now!

[ steps aside to next product ]

I’m just stepping over here now, because I’d like to tell you about something that I’m really proud of. Bung-King Hemmorhoidal Cream. You may think your hemmorhoidal preapration is top-notch, but Bung-King from Geritech is the only hemmorhoidal cream with that.. [ bell rings ] ..patch of lanolin. So, the next time you feel that burning, painful itch, reach for Bung-King, the only hemmorhoidal cream and suppository with my face on it.

[ walks to the side again ]

Now I know you’re thinking about.. [ echo ] ..diarrhea! Well, I’m just an actor, but I get diarrhea all the time. That’s why.. [ holds up product ] ..Solidex is always in my medicine cabient, and in my make-up kit.

Stangehand: Ready for another take, Mr. Neilsen.

Leslie Neilsen: Well, gotta go! [ smiles ] And I’m ready, thanks to Blotch-Off, Dripmaster, Bung-King and Solidex. Now, I can concrentrate on my craft.

Announcer: Ask for the Geritech line of personal products when you have a problem that’s embarrassing.

Leslie Neilsen: Tell them.. Leslie sent you!

Announcer: Meet Leslie Nielsen at a Wal-Mart near you, and ask Leslie to sign your Dripmaster carton!

Leslie Neilsen: If you think I’m embarrassed endorsing the Geritech line of products, you just don’t know me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 18th, 1989

Leslie Nielsen

Cowboy Junkies

None

Kim Alexis

Beverly Johnson

Cheryl Tiegs

Bob Van Ry

Andy Murphy
Iran’s Most WantedRecurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

Montage

Leslie Nielsen’s MonologueBio: Leslie Nielsen (1926-). Actor; his older, more serious, films include: “Forbidden Planet” (1956), “The Poseidon Adventure” (1972); became synonymous with film comedies after being cast by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker to play a comic role straight in “Airplane!” (1980); collaborated with the same group to star in short-lived TV series “Police Squad” (1982), which begat the “The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!” (1988) film trilogy; later comic roles include President Harris in some of the “Scary Movie” films; also serves as president of the International Better Hearing Institute.

Neuburg’s Bleu Cheese CoolerNote: Repeat from: 88e.

Mr. Subliminal’s ApprenticeRecurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

Transcript

Snap Decision

The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Bio: Kim Alexis (1960-). Model/actress; 1984 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model.

Bio: Beverly Johnson (1952-). Model; one of the first black models, and the first to appear on the cover of Vogue magazine in 1974.

Bio: Cheryl Tiegs (1947-). Model; considered one of the first supermodels; featured on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue in 1970, 1975, 1983.

Cowboy Junkies perform “Sweet Jane”Bio: Country/alternative rock band; members: Michael Timmins, Alan Anton, Peter Timmins, Margo Timmins.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The 1960’s Movie

GeritechTranscript

Cowboy Junkies perform “Misguided Angel”

Saying The Wrong Things

Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Nancy Simmons, Beev Algar.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 11

88l: Ted Danson / Luther Vandross

Living With Hogs

Husband…..Ted Danson
Wife…..Nora Dunn
Neighbor…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, close-up of Husband and Wife sitting on couch reading the newspaper ]

Husband: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. murder and war, corruption.. crazy world out there.

Wife: I know, I get depressed just thinking about it.

Husband: You know, I think I’d go nuts myself, if it weren’t for the hogs.

[ cut to wide shot, numerous hogs pacing around the living room, often bumping into one another with comedic results ]

Wife: I know what you mean.

Husband: Oh, I wonder what’s on the tube. You seen the TV Guide?

Wife: I think the hogs have it.

Husband: [ rummages amongst the hogs, finds the remote ] Hey, look – pearls! [ laughs ] Just kidding!

Wife: You got it?

Husband: Yeah.

Wife: Hey, as long as you’re up, can you move that hog over there? [ points ]

Husband: Yeah.

Wife: Just to the right. [ Husband moves the hog over an inch ] Great!

Husband: Not bad, huh? [ sits back on couch ]

[ phone rings ]

Wife: [ gets up to answer phone, excusing herself to hog in the way ] Hello.. Why, I’m sorry you feel that way.. Are you sure..? Okay. [ hangs up phone ]

Husband: Who’s that?

Wife: Ohh, the new cleaning lady quit.

Husband: Again? Well, did she say why?

Wife: She didn’t say. She just quit!

Husband: Well, that doesn’t make any sense. [ thinking ] Unless, maybe.. it’s the hogs.

Wife: No, no.. I think she was just unhappy.

Husband: Boy, you know, sweetheart, I’ve been thinknig about the hogs..

Wife: What about the hogs?

Husband: Well, you know, it’s just that, sometimes, I look at this apartment, and I look at our lives, and I look at the hogs..

Wife: Yeah, the hogs?

Husband: I don’t know, sometimes I think we just, you know, should start over.. just go somewhere with nothing!

Wife: What do you mean, without the hogs?

Husband: No, no.. I mean, with just the hogs. You know, quit the firm, move out into the country.. or maybe even just a new apartment.

Wife: I know, you always think that way when the new cleaning lady quits.

Husband: Yeah, you’re right.. [ doorbell rings ] I’ll get it.

Wife: Watch out for the hogs, please.

Husband: It’s alright. [ answers door ] Yeah?

Neighbor: I’m your downstairs neighbor. I’m here to complain about.. the hogs.

Husband: Well, why? Did they do something wrong?

Neighbor: Yes! They exist!

Wife: Well, what is it, what’s the matter?

Husband: Well, I think something wrong with the hogs here, I think.

Wife: No! no, the hogs are fine!

Neighbor: No, they are not fine! They root around on my ceiling day and night! They are ruining my life!

Husband: You know, it’s awfully easy to blame all the problems of the world on hogs.

Wife: Yeah, blame it on the hogs.. blame it on the hogs.. everybody else does.

Neighbor: What about the stuff dripping down into my living room? What about the smell? What about the squealing?!

Wife: Now, wait a minute here! Our hogs do not squeal!

Neighbor: Oh?! Well, maybe it was the hogs next door! Or perhaps the ones across the hall! Or maybe some wild hogs slipped in past the doormen! Or maybe, just maybe, the bacon in my refrigerator wasn’t quite DEAD yet!!

Husband: Hey, fella, that’s enough! I think you’d better leave!

Wife: Yes, I do.

Neighbor: Excuse me.. [ stumbles toward the door ]

Husband: You just make your way out of here right now!

Wife: Watch out for the hogs!

Neighbor: Well, you can believe I’m gonna be bringing this up at the next Tenant’s Meeting! [ exits ]

Husband: You know, if he wants to play that way – fine! I’ll tell you, there’s some complaints I’ll bring up about his cat!

Wife: Oh, just ignore him, he’s not worth it. Let’s just sit down and relax!

Husband: [ calming down ] You’re right.. you’re right.. I’m sorry. [ sits ] Oh, you know, this is the life! You know, you can really be yourself in a room full of hogs.

Wife: Yeah, they don’t go around judging you, that’s one thing you can say about them.

Husband: Right. And they accept you the way you are. And I’m not saying they’re easily impressed. You know, you still have to earn their respect!

Wife: Yeah, but it’s not that hard.

Husband: Exactly.

Wife: [ thinking ] Hey, let’s go out in the kitchen and just fix up a big bucket of slop, so we can sit here and watch them feed, huh?

Husband: Honey.. I love you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts